Random Thoughts Archive

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Archive

BAD PICK UP LINES:

-I don't have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out?
-I wish I was crosseyed just so I could see you twice.
-Your eyes a bluer than the water in my toilet.
-You smell like fritos! That's why I'm giving you this hungry stare...
-You're so hot, you're gonna melt the elastic in my underwear.
-My love for you is like diarreah, I just can't hold it in.

"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."--Dave Barry

Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and... [Excuse me a minute.]

It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss.

Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians.

It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics.

Darkwing Duck Entrances!
"I am the bubble gum that sticks in your hair!"
"I am the ingrown toenail on the foot of crime!"
"I am the itch you cannot reach!"
"I am the paper cut that ruins your day!"
"I am the parking meter that expires while you shop!"
"I am the plot-twist in the 2nd reel!"
"I am the terror that flaps in the night!"
"I am the weirdo who sits next to you on the bus!"
"I am the winged scourge that pecks at your nightmares!"
I am the wrong number that wakes you at 3 am!"

"Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky and say "Storms suck!.

One is never lonely with a rubber duckie.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Dyslexics of the world, untie!

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

Don't be so open-minded your brains will fall out.

Grow your own dope... plant a man.

Dain bramaged.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

If you mix milk of magnesia with vodka and orange juice, do you get a Phillip's screw driver?

I'm reading this fantastic book on memory improvement, but I forgot what it's called.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

No, no, no! said the penguin, I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder!

Surprise! Surprise! That's not my ear canal either!

Oh no! The leak is coming from the Global Positioning Satellite System again!

Mommy Mommy, Little Johnny replied, is that why the soufflé is burnt?

Tokyo? Said the nun, You fool, I said take the hoe!

And then my dad farted and it smelled and I said to my father you farted and it smelled.

And slowly, the sheep turned to each other and glared silently.

Whew! said the blonde, I thought you meant the vacuum-insulated sealable container with the heat reflective inner surface!

No wait, you don't understand, said the fat man, Pop Tarts are a substitute for my mother's love!

As they opened the door they realized they were terribly mistaken. The dog was only taking a nap.

Yeah, said the Scottsman, but at least I don't have a scented hand soap named after ME!

As she spoke he whirled the egg beater around and yelled EGG BEATER!

Isotope? He replied, That's no isotope!

Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."

Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.

If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak

All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left-handed.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Why is it when we duck they call us chicken?

What did cured ham actually have?

If a man has no fingers, can he press charges?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Can you blow a balloon up under water?

How do they get the air inside the bubble wrap?

Why do police officers wear tight clothes and dressy shoes? wouldn't that make them slower when chasing someone?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours crying their heads off?

What would happen if everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time?

If the weather man says "it's a 50% chance of rain" does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?

Why do they put Canadian bacon on Hawaiian Pizza?

How come, in the Mini Wheat’s commercials, Sweets has a Brooklyn accent and Wheat’s has an English accent? They're attached at the back, wouldn't they have been raised in the same place?

If no one buys a ticket to a movie, does the movie still play?

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

There's a fine line between an attitude problem and thinking clearly..

They call television a medium. That's because it is neither rare nor well done..

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words..

Die Schnecken sind meine Freunden! - The snails are my friends! .

Wooden shoe rather be Dutch?---OK, OK I know it's a corny pun, But I like it!.

Punctuality: the virtue of the bored..

Don't try to out-weird me, three eyes. I get weirder things than you in my breakfast cereal. - Zaphod Beeblebrox, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

"If I ever meet myself, I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what's hit me." - Zaphod Beeblebrox, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Sad to think that when the letters 'WWF' are mentioned, most of us think of wrestlers, before the World Wildlife Fund....<

If you accidently ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?

If you try to fail and suceed, what did you just do?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?

Why do British people never sound British when they sing?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?

If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

What colour would a smurf turn if you choked it?

Life is full of disappointments, and I'm full of life!

I always try to do things in chronological order

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

I went for a walk last night and Mom asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. - Marin County newspaper's TV listing for The Wizard of Oz

"I'm your huckleberry." - Val Kilmer, Tombstone

Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. - Jack Handy

And now for some feedback: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, you're it.

Help, I've fallen and I can't... Hey, nice carpet!

Einstein said that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence. Answering yourself, however, is a sign of insanity.

The quantity of consonants in the English language remains constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. i.e.: When a Bostonian 'pahks' his 'cah,' the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to 'warsh' his car and invest in 'erl wells.'

Do you prefer Spanish, French or Italian cooking? I don't mind. I want a boiled egg.

"The quality of my life would be greatly reduced if I did not have nostrils." - 'Weird Al' Yankovic

No-one suspects the butterfly!

If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!

A grade 9 history test question: Give the number of automobiles produced in America during the year of your choice. My answer? 1806: none

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. - Albert Einstein

"Life is tough, it's tougher when you're stupid." - John Wayne

You ARE what you eat.

"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..." - General John Sedgwick, Union commander in the Civil War, speaking his last words as he was watching enemy troops during the Battle of Spotsylvania Court House.

If you blow in a dog's face-he'll get mad at you, but take him for a ride in the car - the first thing he does is stick his head out of the window!

Anything too stupid to be said... is sung.

"I don't read books, but I have friends who do." - George W. Bush

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

"SPOOOOOOON!" - the Tick

Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?

How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that? What the ... - a fly.

Don't worry, even if the earth is taken over by aliens, they'll still speak English- Something I learned from movies

Sure, when... - OINK FLAP OINK FLAP - Well I'll be darned!

Today's subliminal thought is:

640 Kilobytes of computer memory ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates, 1981

If a chicken and a half can lay an egg and a half in a minute and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick all the seeds out of a dill pickle?

Sacred cows make the best burgers.

You know that thing you ate last night that tasted like chicken- it wasn't.

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears

May your life be like toilet paper - long and useful.

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I feel like I should have a great idea right now. But I don't.

For comic effect, add the words, 'in bed' to the end of any fortune cookie, to find out the REAL meaning.

'If you're so evil, why don't you... EAT THIS KITTEN!
' 'mew!'
'No way, Mister... that's just WRONG!' - The Tick

One bright day, in the middle of the night, two dead boys stood up to fight. Back to back, they faced each other. Drew their swords, and shot each other. The deaf policeman heard the sound, and put those boys back in the ground. If you don't believe this lie is true, ask Harry the blind man, he saw it, too.- I don't know where this is origionaly from, but I read it at amused.com.

The following was submitted by John Scotten-

In Atlanta, Georgia, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
In Breton, Alabama, there is a law on the town's books against riding down the street in a motorboat.
In Alaska, it is illegal to look at a moose from the window of an airplane or any other flying vehicle.
Impotence is grounds for divorce in 24 states in the United States.
Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath once a year.
The Los Angeles Mirror printed a story in 1959 that announced that rock music "tightens the cow's glandular system and deters milking," with a strange headline that claimed "Rock 'n' Roll Makes Cows Tighten Up."

"Opportunity knocks only once, if you hear a second knock it's probally a Jehovah's Witness."- amused.com

Write your questions down on the back of $20 dollar bill and send them to me.

If someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head.

How can 'up for it' and 'down with that' mean the same thing?

If you receive something that says 'Send this to everyone you know,' pretend you don't know me.

Is there anything less meaningful than the first three quarters of a basketball game?

The Number 1 Change to the White House Website....URL officially changed to DubyaDubyaDubya.whitehouse.gov.

The number 2...Shiny things. Lots more shiny things.

How many entrees can Taco Bell make with the same five ingredients?

"Have you ever eaten chicken on a cold day? The chicken is cold too." -Jordan Anderson

Pizza Pringles are evil I tell you. EVIL!

Why are the monkeys attacking my eardrums?

I've got a narcissistic pyromaniac living in my house.

Why?... Why?... FOR THE LOVE OF CHEESE, WHY???

I don't want to watch the 24 hour Marvin the Martian marathon Mommie.UhhhhHuh.

"You're an Evil man!"- Jordan

Epilogue: Mary killed the lamb that night. And ate it for a meal, She sighed after a greasy bite, "I should have had the veal"

An average American has a vocabulary of 10,000 words; but I have 10,002, because I just made up "pfitz-kokkie" and "sheents."

Do you ever forget which way a 3 goes?

Have you ever looked up your nose and been really surprised?

Whoever says nothing's impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

"Do you ever wonder where all the farts go?... They go into the atmospere and form the 'fart zone.' It's just above the ozone layer. This, people, is why we MUST PROTECT THE OZONE LAYER!" - Steve Martin

It doesn't take much to please me, just give me a block of cheese and a one pronged fork.

Isn't it weird that 'natural' gas has to be produced?
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