Look what you have done to me, for me. I am a child. I am a women. I am a spirit. I am alive again. Reborn. You were there for me when that painful birth took place. I am your baby.
I refused to become
bitter, yet I was afraid of becoming lost in
fantasy. And this is what we saw emerge:
I wait and listen...
The pain is not screaming so loudly now,
only soft whimpers. Just knowing that I
hear and care has helped. Maybe I should
not have shut the pain up for so long
without revisiting. Maybe the healing
comes from visiting and revisiting and
saying I hear and I care until the love
I have for myself is greater than all of
the injuries and insults and abandonment
of others.
"I left it for someone other than me to
be the one who cares." I expected that
someone to come to me in the form of a
father or a friend or a lover or a
daughter or even God himself. No, all of
the above. I wanted everyone to love me.
And kept score. How pitiful I became.
How poor.
I guess I have poured judgment upon
myself for judging others -- when I was
just as guilty -- of not loving me. It
makes sense to me now and the child is
not crying anymore. She turned aside to
see this great sight. I could have loved
her myself! That wellspring of life that
comes up from within and never runs dry
and keeps flowing so that it spills
over, spills over to others or not, no
matter, just spills over. There is no
condemnation, there is no judgment.
There is no score. There is no lack.
There is no pain.
I do love her. With all her faults and
limitations, she is very precious. A
thing of beauty and joy and a gift back
to the creator and to herself. It took
you to show me this. In little bits
and pieces, while I badgered you. I
asked you "How can you be so sweet?" I
did not mean that as a compliment, I
truly wondered, "how can you be so
sweet?".
I am smiling now.
I love you, I really love you
now. Not in fantasy, but in truth. You
spilled over and primed my pump. Nothing
changes. Nothing was ever wrong.
For the first time in years and years, I
am ready for love. And now I know that
the longing, the aching goes away all by
itself when it is replaced by the williness
to be loved. Oh, the willingness to be loved!
I should be attending to more important
business
Waves of smiles lap at the shore of my
lazy mind
The first time I heard your voice
I returned again and again
I awakened this morning ready for
you
Distant Shores
When we have reached some distant
shore
And yet I pray
Seek not those shores
I am listening with my heart. I am
saying hush, hush to the sound of pain.
For it is the pain which always speaks
first when I open my heart. It wants to
be consoled. But there is no consolation
for the past. My memory is connected
to events which cannot be changed. Those
memories and pain are not in a separate
box somewhere. They are wrapped around
my heart like a tangled fishing line and
to try to remove them is not
possible.
Ready
I should be doing something -
anything
But I am not
I am stretching and dreaming and
breathing deeply
as if these things mattered the most
wrapped in a soft cloud of love
Invisible arms caress my thirsty skin
and stroke my hair
I hear the rythym of your last words
some of the day, some of the night
the patterns becoming more familiar to
me now
I put my hand to my mouth
my eyes wide with disbelief
I was not ready for you
I was terrified of intimacy
of signing a quit claim deed on my
heart
but I could not stop listening
to hear the rythym of your last
words
Slowy, gently, they guided me in from my
desparate flight
I landed safely
like a wounded bird
and find ourselves alone
Will we then know what love was for
and why we were not known
Who sealed us up
who shut us off
Who set these walls around us
To come so far and never meet
Some unseen hand upon us
You are not there
No distance to be going
For life is not a compass point
It comes by way of knowing
So you just are...
I know not where
I feel you all around me
Sometimes I turn and catch your
smile
Or feel your eyes upon me
which are not ours
Though lonely now we are
Just still yourself and be my love
The journey is not far
In this small time
in this small space
the distant shores will reach you
And all that you will ever know
A still small voice will teach you
And hold your hand and guide your
heart
to turn you to within
Where untold splendour waits for you
Where life and love begin
