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Once upon a time a woman turned 30 and thought to herself, "It's high time that I learned how to use this internet thingy that I've heard so many folk speak of". So, she went to the computer shop and came home with a brand new, shiny lap top, with heaps of power and an inbuilt modem, with which she proceeded to connect to the world wide web.

At first, the web seemed a strange place. The woman was dazzled by the array of information she discovered there. In confusion she stumbled from super highway to super highway, until she chanced upon a place called The Halloween Party. This was a room containing an odd assortment of folk from around the globe. They were a welcoming bunch, and soon began teaching the woman the value of such things as chat etiquette, and how to extract meaning from large groups of odd letters.

Thus began the woman's initiation into the strange world of chat, and thus began her addiction to this past time. Now you too can share the addiction. All you have to do is read through the pages of this web site, and you will learn why strange and mysterious forces continue to lure weary web travellers into a life devoted to chat ...


Chat Classics

Here are some classic chat moments, to further whet your appetite
for the finer points of this web art form ...

calilover21: hello room I am a 22 year old marine sgt 6 foot about 185. I have light brown eyes. If you wanna talk pm me.
ugly bloke: *swinging watch in his face* and when I count to 3 you will wake up!
Misery Chastain: and start singing "It's not unusual..." by Tom Jones every time someone says the word hi!!!
ugly bloke: and buy everyone a drink...


Wolfman™ :
OOPS...You Have Timed Out! There is a five minute time out factor due to inactivity. If you feel that it was shorter than that, try configuring your browser as it suggests in our HELP FILE. If you do not have Netscape, try to set your browser to check the documents it reads each time, rather than relying on a version in the cache. You can also try reloading the page when you first enter a room, before posting a message. If your handle has bad HMTL, or is very complex, this may cause a problem.

WOLFMAN'S TRANSLATION You sorry bastard...where you having fun? Well too bad, because we timed your ass out! We know it wasn't really 5 minutes...too bad, what are you going to do about it, you whining, simpering little fool! WE have the power, and we will do whatever the hell we want to do!


Ping:*slingshots back into the room on her virtual bungee rope*


Cobra: I know your all going to miss me, especially you Scully.....so here's a big kiss and hug from me......
Scully: I think you have mistaken me for someone who actually cares deary


Wolfman™ : How do you work this thing??????
Reverend: Just push some keys...then some other keys...sometimes use your mouse a bit...be prepared to get timed out a lot...that just about covers it! That's all it says in the manual for Windows 98 :)
Wolfman™ : Really? I couldn't find that part...had to figure it out for myself!
Reverend: It's at the back, after the "How to beat your computer with a stick" section!
Wolfman™ : Ah, that explains it...couldn't find a stick, so I skipped that section...


horney: so where you from??? how old are you???
oranges: I'm not you're type - I have a pulse ...


Ping: *groans* Wot am oI loike???
Reverend: About five foot seven, long blonde hair, large ..... personality


mr. X:
Q: "Mr. X, don't you have anything better to do?"
A: "No."


Gina: I'm 5'6, long brown hair, deep brown eyes and a great body! *S* I'm from England! U?
Taz: Are you mail or female??
Ping: you mean you can't tell by her post-mark?


mr. X: Files are busy; try again in a few seconds ..... bite me.
Reverend: *chomp*
(V)ulder: Tasty???
FnkyEnglishBird: Ummmmmmm....tastes like chicken.


vsnl: I have entered the room
Reverend: Well spotted, Sherlock.....


(following is a desperate attempt by one chat loser to get rid of another of her own kind)
brown eyed girl: does anyone, besides Syphony, want to talk to me?


DQ: MISERY HOW DO YOU PUT YOUR REPLY UNDER WHAT I SAID
Misery Chastain: Well first you need the blood of three virgin chickens which have been soaked in olive oil for two days......or alternatively you could just 'cut and paste' *g*


~*Girl Face*~: I have long light brown hair and blue eyes 115 5'4 17yrs. from Texas!!
Zackdela§moka: Want an award?


~Vampyr~Queen™~: * In the midst of conversation, a black myst begins to seep through the chatroom floor boards.... it slithers its way to the center of the room and collects into two large piles.... the myst builds into a large pile and then dissolves.. in its place is a large, black throne...the second pile builds and then creeps back to the floor, unvailing a girl.... she's dressed in a long red dress and a black cape clings to her shoulders... she seats herself on the goth throne and lifts her head, to peer at the room... eyes of ice... she speaks....*

§alu†a†ions, my minions....
~Vampyr~Queen™~: No Salutations? I'm insulted.....
Santa Claws: vamp--whatever happened to the traditional... -hello-


Misery Chastian: I'm not here right now but please leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to you!!! *Beep*


AlBi: Hey Ping, what's this? :)</B>
Ping: It's my smiley...
AlBi: Why does it have all those extra bits?
pearoneeka: I think it's time we had a special talk


GL: Every thing is fine now your here
Miss Thang: "your" is spelt "you're". Next
JOLT!MAN™ : If you dig mis-spelled words, yer gonna be here for a LONG time pointing out people's mistakes....LOL
Miss Thang: Nah - it's just my special way of saying "Don't bother"!


JOLT!MAN™ : Ooooo! A lawyer? You wear those cute little Marcia Clark micro-mini skirts too? The kind that make a juryman forget "guilty" and "innocent" and think only "legs!...LEGS!..."
Miss Thang: Why bother. They'd only look at my legs until I opened my mouth - and then all hit the deck! Apparently in the patriarchal legal system the benefit of legs does not outweigh the disgust of a woman having a brain


MystressMarilyn: When did they let the humorous people in? They're ruining it for me!
Wolfman: So just exorcise them...force them to watch the weather channel non-stop, they'll leave soon enough!
buttocks....!: I like the weather channel. It's factual, concise, and perpetually interesting.
Wolfman: But the plot is always the same, and the character development is almost non-existent!


MOOKS: well I'm a princess living in Siberia. my name is Shani and I can belly dance.
Wedding_Ping: I'm a warrior princess living in England. my name is Xena and I can do at least a hundred interesting things with a small dagger and my breasts...
ugly bloke: I'm just an ugly bloke from wherever I'm from, and I can make really silly faces......beat that!
Wolfman: I'm a highly intelligent amoeboid lifeform which spontaneously arose from an old potato salad, and about all I can do is mimic human conversation on the net...
Lady Josephine: I am a 6' 1" Amazon from the deserts of the American southwest. I know how to take my husband's paycheck and spend it. Also...I can snap my fingers and he will make love to me. Does it get any better???????


Don Juan: Anyone have personal pics to swap?
buttocks of ice: I have a nice one of my first ever car...I'm prepared to swap it for around £20 cash if you are interested?


(I don't normally put my own stuff on my page, but this was a request)
THE ROCK: ANYBODY WANT TO CHAT WITH MR. SEXY
AlBitross: OK *looking around* Do you know where I can find him?
kess: *LMAOPIMP* Please put that up on your page!!!:)


Chat Daemon MOSES has entered the room
iconoclast: HERE WE GO AGAIN!
kess: *gets drink and sits back to watch the fun* ;)
iconoclast: I hope that is a completely unreligious drink.....*g*
kess: *grin* Sure is, got it from a friend of mine...she went to a wedding in Cana...;)


Chatters are known for their wit, their distinctive handles and their signature exits (although some seem to find leaving a chat room particularly difficult). However, there is nothing like a unique entrance to announce the individual character of one who is truly gifted in the art of Classic Chat. Following are some of the most memorable entrances of all time


Chat Daemon: buttocks....! has entered the room.
buttocks....!: *bump*


Chat Daemon: buttocks has entered the room.
ugly bloke: oi, stop arsing about!


rude: Chat Daemon: ugly bloke has entered the womb.
ugly bloke: DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


BrideOfSuicide: *The bride arrives with an axe in one hand a bunch of black roses in the other* Please take a rose if you need a smile today *S*
THE JOLT!MAN™ : *takes a rose*
*Wonders what the axe is for, but doesn't ask...*


Wolfman: AARRROOOHH!!! The Wolfman has arrived!!
Greetings to everyone!


Chat Daemon: Imsickofhandles has entered the room.
Imsickofhandles: greetings and salutations to anyone who bothers to read this.


Chat Daemon: buttocks...! has entered the room.
Wolfman: Hey, it's everybody's favorite cleft
buttocks...!: *scratch*...oooh, thats better!


538: someone would like to chat


Here are some pieces of "friendly" advice and comments for people who are just a little bit too desperate for a chat


AngelBaby7: Ok, no one is talking to me!
++ JOLT!MAN™ ++: Say something interesting and I'll consider it...


™retskcirT: I guess no ones wants to talk to little ol' me! Oh well, I'll entertain myself~
Wedding_Ping: *sets up a video camera and sits at the ready with a note-pad*


buttocks..>>:
come on down!
anyone who says "you all suck", in the next 5 minutes!


WONDERwoman*s*: wanna chat?
Priñçe Ålåriç™ : In a chatroom? Don't be bloody ridiculous!


moparman100: GHOSTBUSTER/F- HI WANT TO CHAT
ghostbuster/f: maybe


brenea: Hello is there anyone here that would like to chat with a 29/f.
Rude: go on then if I must


cleo: Anyone wanna chat to a 17 year old female.you won't get bored under any circumstances.
butt y hell: I bet I would.


And now, to lift the tone of this page, we have some poetry. Who says the chatters in the Halloween Party are nuthin' but low brow scum-sucking amoebas ... ??


Ashfleeburgoobn:
She's a lot like you,
but she don't look like you,
and she don't act like you,
and she don't think like you,
and she don't kiss like you.
Ok, she's not you, but she'll do fine.


AlBi: *sings*
You say tomato and I say tomatoe
You say potato and I say potatoe
Tomato, tomatoe
Potato, potatoe
Let's call the whole thang off ...
Reverend: It's the Dan Quayle Spelling Song!


Morcheeba:
SHROOMS, SHROOMS, WHAT A TRIP,
THE MORE YOU EAT THE MORE YOU FLIP.
THE MORE YOU FLIP THE BETTER YOU FEEL,
SO EAT A SHROOM AT EVERY MEAL......


dagnabbit:
walking down the street and what do I hear?
a little baby boy crying for my beer
gave him a sip, but he wanted the whole bottle
so I took off on my motorbike and gave it full throttle
*S*


Arachne:
I caught a cold
It made me sneeze
It would not go
And I was not pleased
I could not find my hankerchief
That is how I discovered old Greensleeves


Blank Luke: (to the tune of Spice Up Your Life)
STAGGER TO THE LEFT....
SLICE UP YOUR WIFE!!!!
STAB HER TO THE RIGHT.....
SLICE UP YOUR WIFE!!!!


AlBi: *sings*
     Here comes da bride
     Fair, fat and wide
     Slipped on a 'nana skin
     And went for a ride ...
Wedding_Ping: *cackles*
ugly bloke:
     Here comes the groom
     he's still got the broom
     done all the house work
     but still has to clear his room
Wedding_Ping: *smirks*


This poem began with one of the Rev's memorable entrances, and then line by line was added by Ping, Oranges, uggers and me (AlBi):
Oh he flies through the air with the greatest of sleaze.....
That daring old fart on his flying black fleas ...
His cassock a-flapping he soars like the bees...
And oh so damned painful he lands on his knees....
We all got the picture, no more singing, please ...
Yeah let's knock it off, it's time for a sneeze
I felt my heart stop now it's started to seize ...
We sound like we're suff'rin a mental disease...
Why not take a piccie.. everyone say cheese!!
I'll bring the camera if you'll bring the grease...
It's time for the picture, now everyone freeze ...


(here is a joint poem that was written by a few chatters, including Moooooonfish and oubliette)
I've been all around the world trying find something new..
I've been through all the chat rooms, I've talked to all of you ...
I listened to the words U say to each and every line
And I've only just discovered that it's all a waste of time.



I once was asked in chat for pictures of myself. I was somewhat paranoid about this whole internet thang, so these were the pics I supplied:


Here's a picture of me, feeding a Quokka, on Rottnest Island, in Western Australia

Look Ma, Only Hands!!



How about this one? (I'm the one on the far right, signing the marriage certificate at my sister's wedding!!)

Hey, who stuck their thumb in the way?



Here I am climbing Ularu (Ayer's Rock) in central Australia

How can I see AlBi, with a jumper over her head?



Inside the Minds of the Paranoid and Unimaginative

This is what I imagine goes through the minds of those scary people who can't quite seem to get the hang of chatting:

"Hi, I'm one of those losers on the 'net who just can't seem to have a real life, so we settle for a virtual one. Trouble is, we can't even have a decent virtual life. This is why we are so scary. We are the people who enter chat rooms and say "will somebody please talk to me", without ever saying anything interesting ourselves. When someone does talk to us (someone else very lonely and insecure), the conversation usually runs something like this:
Chatter 1: OK, I'll talk to you. What do you want to talk about
Chatter 2: I don't know. What do you want to talk about
Chatter 1: I don't have any exciting news - I thought you might
Chatter 2: No. I don't
etc.

Another of my favourite past times is to enter a room and contribute this conversational gem:

I'm bored

Or how about this ol' time favourite:

This room sucks

Then there's this brilliant attempt at starting an on line chat:

Hello, is anyone there?

So there you have it, a quick glimpse into the world of the cyber brainless. Maybe, one day, we too will learn how to Classic Chat. Until then ... *high pitched whining voice* ... will somebody please talk to me!??! "



[ Intro to this Site ] [ Classic Chat ] [ Different Chat Styles ]
[ Over 18s Chat Classics ] [ Newest Chat Classics ] [ Pics of Hall Chatters ]
[ Contact the Webmeister ]