"No longer will we have to sit idly by while our younger, more attractive rivals snag the choice men," she went on to say. "Sure, I was angry and bitter at first when Monica started going on about how the President was nailing her. But then I realized that, with the aid of some electronic equipment and a total lack of conscience, I could do something about it. So now, even though I'm still too hideously ugly to have a chance of getting laid in a Mexican brothel, I feel validated because my underhanded actions and betrayal of someone I called a friend may bring down a Presidency."
"I've struck a blow for frumpy, repulsive hose-beasts around the world," Tripp concluded.
When asked to comment, President Clinton called Tripp's statement "Hogwash, but what else could you expect from a hog like her?" He further contended that Tripp's points were largely negated by the fact that Lewinsky is "no beauty queen herself" and that, in fact, Tripp had caused grave harm to the cause of unnattractive women seeking sexual relations with the Chief Executive because there is now "no way I will consider sacking down with anyone other than a totally righteous babe. These ugly chicks just aren't worth the hassle."
First Lady Hilary Rodham Clinton was unavailable for comment, as she was engaged in writing her keynote speech for Tripp's Ugly Woman Victory party, to be held this evening at the Bella Abzug Memorial Library and Hog Farm.
