Rambling Thoughts, Basically, A Cry For Help

Well, I just finished watching Mad City. It's the kind of move that leaves you feeling all dead. Empty and worthless. It's a good movie. It shows you how to feel what you can't admit. Not just what they show, about the media, but it makes you start to think aobut your own life in totally unrelated ways.

Sometimes we can be so stupid. Any little thing can mess up everything, when you did it for such a worthless reason. What you had was worth alot more than what you traded it for.

I feel so... empty. So hopeless. I'm lost and, God... I can't find my way back. It's a very scary feeling. You feel you'd do anything to fix what you messed up, or, just to... end the pain.

Your left with cold hands to comfort you. Stale words to feel the empty spaces. And no one knows what it feels like. Just because by societies standard it wasn't right, it's suddenly, not supposed to matter anymore.

And go on. Tell me about God. Lecture me. But why would He give me this feeling if it was all wrong?

I try so hard. To pretend, to make myself and everyone else believe that I'm okay. And I want to give them what they want so bad. But I can't. I just can't.

How am I supposed to live if I can't be who I am? If I cause shame?

Have you ever heard that song by Radiohead? Karma Police. It sounds just like how I feel. I don't really understand what it means, but the music always describes my emotions.

I wish I could give you something. Teach you how to not mess up your life like I did mine. So you wouldn't have to feel what I feel. This pain that hurts so much I almost don't feel anything anymore. I'm almost emotionless.

I know. I appear to be... fine. Like nothing hurts. But God it does.

Losing my friends because they didn't like, what was it they called it? My ways. That's a killer. And losing them right after I lost the person I loved... so much.

Then feeling my mother's shame. Feeling... not... good enough. And lying. To fix everything. To get everything beack on track. To save my public image and my mother's pride. To save, perhaps, my future career.

It's so much to take on all at once, and sometimes, I just want to let me dissapear into a fake person. Parts of my are already lost.

I just want to be loved. I just want you to please love me... for who I am.