Journal
******NOTE***** I have changed this page around a little by putting my last entry first so you don't have to scroll to the bottom every time*****
January 27/2003
Today I don't know where I am heading. My directions are all hazey. My instincts are all blended together with past experiences. I am confused at the least. I have been speaking with my eldest son and found he is a wealth of wisdom..he said he learned it from me. If this is so..why do I feel so confused? Why is it that I second guess myself enough so that I can't separate my instincts from self-doubt or past experiences. Que Sera Sera...that's where I have to leave things and this is a difficult thing for me. The words, "sabbatoge" and "turtle shell" come to mind. Is there a way to go backwards in time?
November 16/2002
This is one of those rare days that just kind of melt your heart. It's one of those days that someone tells you they have thought about you and they do something really special. Today someone has put a smile on my face and a smile in my heart. Thank you for a very special day!!!!!!
September 26/2002
Have you ever had one of those days when you hide in your own uncertainties and insecurities? Millions of questions plague my mind today. I guess the only truth is that if something is made of matter, it will never spoil. On the other hand, if it was only a moment of light, like the explosion of a star, it dissipates and becomes invisible. I guess if I really think about it, one is loved because he/she is loved. There is no reason for love. I am finding today I am afraid of loving. I want to find a cave and hide in it. It's all about my fear again and that risk that is so "risky" for me. I took a step outwards and thought about "trust" some time ago. I'm not sure about trusting. Things are very confusing for me today. All I want to do is hide and remain quiet. Stillness comforts me.
August 18/2002
April 28, I asked, "What am I supposed to learn?" This has been a year long lesson for me. Being a Scorpio it has been a hard lesson to learn. It was not long ago I was reading something that mentioned one should always ask the question, "What am I supposed to learn?" The first time it popped up for me was when I was moving to a new job sight. The question was asked but I fought hard not to hear the answer. Being a Scorpio I always like control. I like to know what's going on. I like to know the bottom line. That's me!! It was a month after that I took some time to reflect and meditate. Once I became open the answer to my question was, "I have no control!" Once I accepted this small but very significant fact, at least as far as my own personal being is concerned, life is so much easier for me. It's not only being a Scorpio that being in "control" is such an important thing for me, but something I needed somewhere deep inside of me. I realize that not being in control is okay because the universe has awesome powers and does bring us exactly what we need when we need it when we are open to accepting it.
June 06/2002
"Don't give into your fears because if you do you won't be able to listen to your heart."
June 05/2002
It is always easier to go back to what we know than to risk. I have always been alone at the side of the road. Lately he has walked with me. This brings up a fear in me because I have learned so much about salt water tears.
May 30/2002
Sometimes I want to run and hide. I, too, am afraid. No one ever knows anything for sure. I try to sort things out im my mind. It is not easy. What am I willing to give up? What am I willing to win? I think the universe already knows the answer. I think I already know the answer; I'm just afraid to ask.
April 29/2002
My path is unclear to me. Coincidences continue to occur. The universe still speaks to me. It is good to sit in silence and listen. It is good to look into someone's eyes with whom you have developed a deep bond with. It is good to be able to be yourself. I recognize this treasure that I have. One can not put a price on it for it is much more valuable than gold or any precious gems. I thank God for him. He is my bulwark and my anchor. He holds me up gently. His heart is good.
April 28/2002
Everything feels like goodbye today. Salt water tears. Loss. Nothing lasts forever. Everything says goodbye.
There is always this pain in my heart. Tears welling up from somewhere. Not understanding, "Why?" Yet, nature speaks to me softly within its unchanging tranquility. The storm and turmoil are within me; not outside of me. The universe is exactly where it should be. I am exactly where I am meant to be. Why the "unrest?" I feel the wind moving gently across my shoulder and my face. The suns rays embrace me. Birds sing melodies to me. Trees give me their shade and some give me fowers to comfort my crying eyes. The water on the lake rocks me gently. Yet, pain still wells up in my heart today. Where is the goodness of man? Maybe a tear falling to the ground is a way of saying goodbye - a way of healing. Why do we need tears? How many tears have to fall before the end? Whose responsibility is a tear? Is it yours? Is it mine? Who will answer for it? Me? you?
I am here. This is all I know. God gives me strength that I need. The universe provides everything. The path is never clear but it is my path. What am I supposed to learn? My eyes and heart can see further than most, but it is never enough. To what purpose is it all?
Who are they that remain behind with me?
April 27/2002
NOBLE1
Safety, friendship, companionship, encouragement, trust, laughter, giving, acceptance, learning, and most of all joy. For all these I thank you.
April 19/2002
RELATIONSHIPS
I want to build a bridge to cover approximately 45 miles of ocean. I need help to do it. Communication is the connecting passage that allows learning of another's sentiments. Our thoughts, opinions, values, ideals, beliefs, and desires are important to us.
March 22/2002
FORGIVENESS: It does not equal forgetting; some things can not be erased. It is a means for healing and moving on. It is necessary for growth and movement. Why is it that we have such a hard time forgiving? Why is it that we choose to remain stagnant so much of our lives? Life is full of wonder and magic and we should breathe it all in before we have no more chances. To love is to forgive. If we can not forgive can we love? Love comes in many forms and so does forgiveness. It's the heart that must be forgiving so it can allow room for more love rather than be filled with hurt and anger. Just a thought anyways!!
March 18/2002
I chose to remove what I had written here before. I will,however, keep the quote because it's one I think should be repeated often. Lest we forget.
A Quote:People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel. (unknown) I know I will never forget how you made me feel.
March 17/2002
It's been a long time. I'm at my place of energy today. The sun has finally found me after a long dark winter. Its rays caress me warmly. I can't help but smile. Coincidences fall around me like the rays of the sun. Everything has fallen into place for me since I last spoke. I have been to the Buddhist Temple and the Sikh Temple. I have learned much. I have met many wonderful and interesting people who have brought me exraordinary meaning from their cultures and most of all from sharing their souls. I have been blessed over the past year!
Spring is here to remind me of new beginings. The frost is no longer existent here now. People walk past me exchanging smiles, not knowing who I am. I feel like a secret; a mystery to be solved. I'm full of wonder about the future. Where will the universe lead me now? What strange and curious paths will lie in front of me? I remain open.
I watch two lovers pass by and I question love. Love can be for a moment or a lifetime. It can be a gentle touch, a warm embrace, or passion within the soul. Sometimes I wonder if love is described too losely by some. In any case, it's always too brief. Nothing lasts forever; or does it? In some small, but not insignificant way, I know I'll go on forever. Photons make sure of this. Buzz Lightyear said it best: "To the universe and beyond!"
March/2002:
It was a magical, mystical time. It was then that an extraordinary experience took hold of me. I think that no matter how hard I try to describe it, I never can. It was tremendous! How is it that I was found when I chose to be lost? All I can say is that if the universe wills it, it happens. There is an energy out there and I am blessed to have been one chosen to experience it. I am blessed to have met him. Now, I also understand why things happened the way they did. There is nothing in the world that can keep a soulmate from a partner. There is no distance that can stop life from happening. Everything happens for a reason. There are no coincidences. Sometimes I wonder if my mother had a hand in it all. I know she still watches over me. God and my mother directing the universe so I can live. What a thought! I don't mean live in the way most people interpret it. Life has to be lived from the soul. It has to be felt and shared. I forgot that for awhile. I forgot how to dance. I remember now.
July 13/2001
Okay, here I am willing to risk appearing as a "fool"! I am writing this journal and sharing my thoughts on a regular basis or at least as often as I can. I have decided that if I fear appearing as a "fool" I will take no risks. If I take no risks what lessons will I learn? I know the lesson I need to learn is to "trust". This is clear to me when I question why I keep repeating the same experiences. I believe we repeat experiences until we learn the lesson we are supposed to learn. Trust does not come easily for me and I'm sure I can say I have never completely trusted. Today is the 67th day and as I was sitting here contemplating on giving up for the third day the phone rings. It's a friend I haven't heard from in a couple of months. She asked if I heard from him. I said no and that I was thinking it was time to let go. She told me to believe what the psychic told me. She feels I will hear from him again. Question is, "How long am I willing to wait?"
July 11/2001
psychic energy
What is it that leads us to do something different?? Today I went to the store to pick up some brownies for our pot luck at work. Outside the store was a stand with flyers on it. Now if you know me...I hate flyers!! What do I do? I reach down and not only do I pick one up but two. So anyway I take one home with me and I notice this little ad (another thing I never do..read the flyers or the ads) and the ad highlights "Psychic Wednesdays"! Phone for more information! Guess what I did? Right! I phoned. I had a wonderful talk with the lady who will be holding meetings. Now, she also writes a column called, "The Soulwalkers Guide to Everyday Living". I read that too and was impressed by what she said about Scorpio. I didn't connect the ad with the column as they were on different pages. All I can say is I am impressed with the way all this worked out. I am going to try to go to her meetings starting July 24, but even if I don't get there I have learned so much from her just by talking on the phone. Life is an exciting journey!!
July 10/2001
Time....where does it go? It has been four years since my mom passed away. I will never forget the night she said good-bye. Her spirit travelled 400 miles and woke me out of a deep sleep to say good-bye. I miss her so much.
July 08/2001
Remember the "silent power"??? You felt it as a child if you were lucky enough! It was the feeling you got as you held the warm dirt in your hands, as you climbed that tree, as you lay in the grass, as you watched the clouds turn into different shapes, as you felt the rain on your face, as you spun in circles, as you felt the energy!!!! Remember being alive? That's how I felt all day today as I sat and felt the wind and the sun and remembered. Today was euphoric!!! This euphoria carried over from the day of the crows.
July 07/2001
Okay...tonight my next coincidence arrived!!! I was online (ICQ) sitting on invisible and in my mind I was wondering what I was missing by being on invisible. I went onto connect and a fellow came online and said hello. Well, guess what....very similar interests as me!! We had a good talk about synchronism and our experiences and beliefs. We have spoken a few times and he has sent me some information to read on Taoism.
July 06/2001
The day of the crows
I have been watching the crow outside my office for about two months now. He is rather intelligent. He loves to change his voice and sometimes he sounds like a chicken and other times a woodpecker. He watches me almost as much as I watch him. I don't know what my facination with this crow is. It is like he is a companion of mine. Today, the crow sits on the roof in front of me with a mate. They just sit together for a long time. Just being. The warm sun beats down on them and every once in a while they stretch out their feathers. I just stand and watch for about fifteen minutes. It is nice to just be! I have a good feeling inside. I feel euphoric! Internally I feel like good things are coming my way. I relish this feeling and want to hold it for as long as I can.
Now interesting part of this is that my morning horoscope said: A part of you is trying very hard to hang on tightly to the past, Beverley. Be careful of being so adamant about this that you do not allow anything new to enter into your life. There is important information coming your way. Although this information is unexpected, and perhaps even uninvited, it is most likely extremely important for you to listen and understand. Use it to get your mind buzzing with new ideas - you can only benefit!
So, here I am enjoying the feeling, watching the crow and his mate and my co-worker comes outside. I love to talk to her about some of my recent experiences...mainly because she doesn't think I am all so crazy. Anyway, I mention my horoscope and talk about this message. I am fairly excited waiting for this unknown message! She said to me, "Maybe you already got the message." This took me by surprise because I was waiting for some clear, written message.
In a moment, I knew my message was the crows!! Now what the meaning is I am not exactly sure but I can tell you that the feeling that I got while watching them was a feeling one needs to pay attention to. I think I need to do some research on the crow!!
July 05/2001
Okay, I blew the application last night for the position I was applying to. I don't believe I sabatogged it. I had it all prepared, sent it out, checked my email, it was wrong....I lost it off word. Gone!! Just like that!! It's okay, it wasn't meant to be. I should have known that I guess. The energy wasn't right for it.
Today I had a phone call from a co-worker who I haven't seen or spoke to for a few years. She got my phone number from work. She phoned to ask how my application went. I told her. We both confirmed it was okay, I was right where I was meant to be. As our conversation went on we both ended up discussing psychic energy. She has been studying about it for the last two years. She gave me some information and a contact person. Interesting isn't it how things seem to fall into place? Who would have guessed I would hear from her? I'll just remain open here and see where the path leads.
As for him? I wait. I see pictures in my mind. I take the risk.
July 02/2001
Question: Were we but characters in a collision of time?
Tao: that underlying connection with others. A synchonistic event is the manifestation of it.
Synchronicity can pave the way for people coming together. By unraveling the circumstances through which two people meet to enter a significant relationship, the delicate, unseen hand of fate, destiny, synchronicity, or underlying Tao - by whatever name the matchmaker is called - can be discerned.Jean Shinoda Bolen
I had the experience of meeting him. It was a true synchronistic event. I didn't know it at the time. I sit here in absolute awe at how the circumstances unfolded. I don't know what the universe, the divine, the mystical, or the powers that be have in store for me but I know it's not over. I wait for the next coincidence.
June 30/2001
quote: "The moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never have otherwise occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would come his way." W.H. Murray
You know it wasn't long ago I read the book: Celestial Prophesies and learned about coincidences. When we are open to them we become alert to this vast system of energy and become connected with it. The universe if full of this energy and we can engage in the flow of it. I have connected with this energy. Everything about me feels differently now. This is a mysterious and wonderful place to be right now. The book said people will bring you messages...answers to your questions.
One of the most profound ones I received was one night as I was on a net chat. This person popped in from out of nowhere and immediately there was a "connection". That week I was questioning all this stuff about celestial energy and messages. Well, I asked him the question: "So tell me what do you think of psychic energy?" This was his answer: "Believe in them. They are real. The power of thought, ESP, dreams, aura, etc." I never heard from him much after that. It's like he was there to tell me not to question, that was the message. Said and gone.
The quote by W.H. Murray was brought to me by a co-worker. It was written on the inside of a candy tin. I thought how marvelous it is that these messages are being brought to me in so many ways. It's like I'm being led on a path.
I can feel this energy when I am alone with nature or the universe. It is a mystical feeling. I can feel colours of light swirling around me. I feel a peace with the universe. I can't hold on to it for long..but when it's there..there is nothing else like it.
June 29/2001
WHEW!!!! My site was down for a few days..I am so happy the problem was fixed! Thank you Angelfire!!!
Everything was disappearing on me this week. I think I lost my mind somewhere too (smile). Maybe it's thing I'm going through. My horoscope for this week was:
Scorpio is known as the sign of death and rebirth. I am going through a death, not of my physical being, but of what used to be important in my life. I'm told to use my deep wisdom and like the snake, shed off the old skin and start afresh. The rest of the year is highly appropriate for this activity.( I should add that I follow Mac McLaughlin's horoscope write ups). Well, I like Mac's style..it sure seems to fit with everything I am experiencing lately. Change!! Big time change!! I am almost overcome with it. It is happening everywhere in my life: my thoughts, ideas, beliefs, values, ideals, spiritually, emotionally, in my work, and basically every part of my entire being. A part of me loves the challenge of facing this change. It's like an exciting mystery and it is full of intensity. The other part of me fears it a little. I wonder how people will react to my changes, especially those close to me. Being a Scorpio is not easy anyway. I hope I can keep this journal up so we can all take a look back and see what comes of all this.
One of the most important lessons, I have finally realized, is that I need to learn "trust". I have always been skeptical about lots of things and true to the Scorpio spirit, if I can't get to the bottom of it then there's something missing. I analyze things to death! I am practicing to lighten up a little. Now in saying this, there is one certain thing that I am "trusting". I am waiting as patiently as I can. The second lesson is to keep my fundamental requirement to "sabbotage" under control. So far this week I have tried to or certainly thought about sabatoging several things. The good news is I haven't thus far.
June 21/2001
I am going through a time where I recreate myself. I am just like the phoenix creating a new life from out of the ashes. Negative energies die off and new positive ones emerge within me. I need to remain focused and assist them. I must prepare for my new life. I will not say good-bye yet. It does not feel right. Somehow I believe that the recreation of this new life that is taking place within me includes you.
How can I say good-bye?
June 15/2001
A Quote:People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel. (unknown) I know I will never forget how you made me feel.
June 14/2001
I'm here today in my place of honesty. I have a question: "How does one have faith without question? Does anyone that have that pure faith? Deep inside I want to believe without question but doubt is always present. Now, if I have faith and things were not what they appeared or things did not happen that I expected: "Where would that leave my faith?"
It is beautiful here today! A cool fresh pine-smelling breeze surrounds me. The sun warms me just right. I love it here. I love to be alone with nature. A little brook runs past just ahead of where I sit. It's song is like a lullaby carrying me to distant lands.
Maybe it is time for me to say good-bye and like the brook move on. I look up at the trees and their branches wave as if to say good-bye. The clouds move on their way as well. I know the same sun warms you but I wonder if this same cloud over me will pass over you in time. I don't want to say good-bye: It hurts too much. The truth is I am afraid. I am afraid what I have believed was not truth. It is easier to hide than face the truth I guess.
I pick some wild rose petals to remind me of you. I press them gently into my mind along with my memories of you. I know I must let go and with that thought a tear rolls down my cheek. I am glad I am alone right now. I hope you will remember my love for you fondly because it was no mask - it was real.
June 14/2001
2:07pm I noted the time on this one. I was experimenting while having my cigarette break. I was told to throw my question to the universe and I did. I quietly had my cigarette after I threw out the question. I closed my eyes and just felt the sun and the small breeze. I turned to unlock the door and go back inside when I happened to notice the most beautiful cloud I have ever seen. It was in the most perfect shape of a heart. I wish I had a camera. Not only that but just below to the left of it was another heart. What are the chances? Does the universe answer?
June 13/2001
The Colours of Love
Suddenly I feel a soft gentle warmth wrapping around me. I smile and think of love. Love has many personas. To each face of love there is a parallel mask. Love can be ill-defined, illusionary, or absolute. Love can be receptive, dismissive, or rejuvenative. Love comes in all colours: white, yellow, red, blue, purple, and even black. The colour of my love ranges from white to black. The colours of the universe. The character of love I dislike the most is "dismissive". It's colour is black but not like the black in the universe; it is like the black of grief, pain, suffering, and even death. If one is to love let them love without the presence of black. Let the colours of love flow within you like the blood through your veins. Let it give life to others rather than despair.
June 11/2001
I Love This
You know that I need to go away, away, away: yes, yes, I can’t go on here anymore. You know there are always the angels and the archangels, thrones, powers, cherubims, seraphims--the whole choir there. But here these baptised beasts always make themselves heard, these and nothing else. I’m going away from here. Walking one arrives: if not to the grave, at least a little bit outside this human, too human world. (Letters IV, 185)“A Would-Be-Dirty Mind”: D.H. Lawrence as an Enemy of Joyce
June 09/2001
The Turtle
Lucky turtle! She carries her her nice hard shell around with her where ever she goes. It helps to keep her safe from predators. Predators still come though and sometimes the turtle is not safe in that nice hard shell of hers. Sometimes I am like the turtle. I too, have a shell and can feel very safe inside of it. I think my shell is harder than the turtles. Over the last month it has grown unimaginabley strong. That's the way I want it for now. Maybe some day I won't need it any more, but for now, it stays.
June 08/2001
I did put it up as there are some that like to read what I write. So it's up along with another one I wrote.
June 02/2001
Seek first to understand: Stephen R.Covey
Why is it I always see things retrospectively? I should have sought first to understand and then to be understood. I made a big mistake here and I can't express how bad I feel about it. It's rather difficult to forgive myself. I feel rather weak because I am running away from what from what I feel. I believe though that if I don't do some running that I won't be able to handle the feelings. I wrote a new poem called: "They Eyes of the Poet". I haven't decided if I will put it on my site yet.
June 01/2001
Funny thing how I thought about about the mustard seed last night. I spoke to the mother of a little boy today. She had fled a very abusive relationship and was struggling every day to get through her fears and trying desparately to get her life on track. She was almost overcome with every thing she wanted to do. She had no idea how she would get to where she wanted to go. I talked to her about the mustard seed. Sometimes that's about all the faith we have in anything. If we can act on that tiny seed of faith in whatever we do, we can do great things. We can make things happen. Things don't happen all at once. They happen over time. When we first start out, we are never really sure of the outcome. It's like going to high school or college for the first time, a first job or a first of anything for that matter. We take that little step forward in faith and in due time our faith on that matter changes. We become stronger! We move mountains! Thinking about this, I realize I have moved many mountains in my lifetime. I know she will too because she understood the mustard seed.
May 31/2001
The Mustard Seed
God said if I had as much faith as a mustard seed I could transfer mountains. I'm sure I have that much faith. Tonight I will put a grain of mustard seed inside my pillow. This will be a symbol of my faith and it's not so much that I want to transfer the mountain but that I want the mountain to come to me.
May 29/2001
No I didn't miss the 28th..just don't share everything.
I did submit my application for that positon. Whew!! I wasn't sure until I walked into work and then bang! I just went for it. So we'll see. I'm nervous...you bet I am. Probably means I be panelled. Last time I had four people interview at the same time I thought I would pass out, but I made it and got my present job. So, if I make it good it means a lot of new experiences ahead of me and if I don't it's okay because I love what I do now anyway.
I went for a walk today to my place of honesty again:
I'm here today, I crush a small piece of a sprue tree between my fingers to release the fragrance. Hmmm, wonderful! I wonder how this one small piece can release so much fragrance, yet it's not released int the air the same way. There are so many trees here one would think that the whole place would smell like this one small insignificant piece. Maybe we need to look deeper into things and find what's really here. The fish are gone. I guess they must have been placed in the pond for the people to practice fly fishing. The duck and her babies are nestled up on the edge of the pond. Wonder why the male of the species always are so much more colorful than the females.
I think of him and smile. He has won my heart and I wonder when he'll let me know I have his.
May 27/2001
Change:
I desire change even though I feel comfortable with the way my life is going. I am very happy with my job, I think I have done fairly well raising my children, I believe I'm a pretty smart person, and generally life is good. My children are grown now. I have a new sense of identity that comes with their sprouting their own wings. I have been looking at applying for a new job..I have to decide on that one by tomorrow. I know I would be good at it and can certainly have a lot more doors open for my future. I think about moving out of the city. I think about starting a new life of my own. I think about what direction my life will take. Who knows? Thinking is a good start anyway and I usually think and then surprise everyone with a decision.
May 26/2001
I have nothing to say today.
May 25/2001
"If you love someone - set them free - if he comes back to you he's yours - if he doesn't he never was."
This was one of the most difficult things I had to do. My heart wanted to say plead for him to stay. To cry out, "Stay, I love you." I couldn't do it for two reasons: First, because it would be trying to gain control of something my heart wanted but maybe he couldn't handle it or didn't want it at the time. So, if I did plead and got what my heart wanted so badly he may have remained out of guilt and tried to be someone he was not. Would I really want that? No! Things have to come from the heart and because I loved him I had to let him go. The second reason is, that I would never know inside if his love for me was "real" or he remained out of guilt. In my heart I believe his love was "real". If he never comes back I will know it was his heart's decision not to. The pain in my heart is great right now and I feel "broken". I know all things come to pass in time. There is one thing I do believe: I want what's real in life. Love is always grand in the beginning but it's when the challenges arise that I want someone who will be willing to face them with me. Commitment is a strong word: to entrust, to carry into action, and to pledge. Now why should I expect anything less?
May 24/2001
My goldfish died. I had two of them. I bought them when they were very small and they grew very nicely. It's my fault they died: I neglected them. I should have changed their water and I didn't..I was just lost to everything...nice price they paid for my blues!
May 23/2001
SELF PITY DAY: The young man that I trained is working in our office this week. I walked into his office and asked him this question: "Why is it that the thing I like most about myself is also the thing I hate most about myself?" I was having an incredibly tough day today giving people information they didn't want to hear and old clients, no longer mine, calling me because of a rapore established in the past. It was frustrating to say the least..there is only so much of me. Well, you already know I am going through a tough time and having to deal with my own feelings and thoughts, so now here I am still the caregiver I was born to be. Everyone leans on me. I am not really complaining that they do because that is a part of who I am; the part I like about myself. What I hate about it is: "Who is there for me?" When I find myself alone and really would like a shoulder of my own to cry on there isn't one. I have had to be "tough" and quite frankly I am getting pretty tired of it. Maybe that's why I have been in hiding lately. I've been feeling quite alone. I know this feeling will pass and I'll be back to normal pretty soon, but for now this is where I'm at.
May 22/2001
I am visiting my place of "honesty" and as I do I write this: Today, I sit on the park bench and watch the ducklings in the pond. They have grown a lot since last week. Last time I watched them they were just little yellow fuzzy balls. Today they are almost three times the size and their fuzz has almost turned to grey feathers. They swim away from their mother now and seek their own food and fun. Mom still watches over them but not as closely. The pond is full of fish now. They are all over a foot in length and some are catfish or suckers of some sort and some look like overgrown glodfish to me. I wonder if they have been here all along or just in hiding. It's very nice and peacefull here today. The hot sun beats down and warms me almost too much. My feet are too hot: time to buy sandals. Maybe I'll cut my hair this summer. I can hear the laughter of some small child in the distance. Birds are singing different melodies. Why do I come here? To find that connection again. This was where I felt that "honesty". This was where I believed with all my heart and still do. I watch as a mother pulls a turtle out of the pond. The turtle discarded by someone who bought it from a pet store and then let it go here. She shows it to her son, who looks to be almost a year old, and her small dog. The dog backs away and the child clings to his mother. It is always fear of the unknown. It really doesn't matter how many years we have behind us; the unknown makes us fear. What a challenge to still step forth! Anyway, I never told him how I felt that day we were here. I wish I did, but maybe, just maybe, he can feel it too.
May 20/2001
Well, I worked on my website for hours and hours today. What a lot of work! Scanned the pictures, uploaded the pictures, made albums, and you know what..I still couldn't stop my thoughts!
May 19/2001
"Just when I thought I was used to yesterday, along came today". I don't know who said this but it is how I have been feeling lately. I am trying to hide from the world. I have some deep thoughts and feelings that I am trying to sort out lately. So I will just sit and hide out in my computor room and build my website.
May 16/2001
It doesn't do a body good to stay up until 3am but I had a good night. A good friend of mine came over and we had good time. I had a few heart to heart chats with some aquaintances and I have learned something from each one. I have three quotes I found today:
Sophocles:"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is Love."
Euripides:"Love is all we have, the only way that each can help the other."
Leo Tolstoy:"All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I Love."
May 15/2001
I took a Keirsey Temperment Test: I'm an idealist. I make up no more than 8-10 percent of the population. I am involved in personal growth and strive to discover who I am. I like to help others make the journey.I don't like conflict and confrontation because it puts up barriers. I dream of creating harmonious relationships. I am an incurable romantic. The idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension of life that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith is more important to me than material things. I hold myself to a strict standard of personal integrity. I am true to others and true to myself. I am very hard on myself if I hurt or am dishonest with someone. I am without question filled with love and goodwill. I cherish a few warm and sensitive friendships. I strive for a special rapport with my children. I wish to find a soulmate with whom I can bond emotionally and spiritually so we can share our deepest feelings and complex inner worlds.
Do I believe this test to be accurate? Yes, I do. Why don't you take the test at http://keirsey.com
May 14/2001
It rained today. I spent a lot of time building my web site. The remainder of my time was spent differentiating between the following words:
Logic: Sound thinking by rules of reasoning.
Fear: Anxious concern.
Heart: The moral distinguished from the intellectual. The innermost deeply felt.
Intuition: Quick and ready insite. Knowing without reasoning.
Observation: External by hearing, touching, smelling, and tasting.
Introspection: Making inferences.
Today I feel like moving somewhere very remote. I'd like to live in a log cabin. My children are grown now and have lives of their own so maybe I need to make some changes. I think I will open my mind to the possibility of moving. I never did like a busy city anyway.
May 13/2001
It's one of those days where I need to get out and make contact with the universe. I need energy badly today. I have a place I now call my place of honesty and decide to go there. I feel quite disguntled when I arrive but I persevere because something inside me says I must do this for awhile. So I go and I take a walk off the beaten trail. I stand in the trees near a small brook. I take some deep breaths and try to empty my mind. I close my eyes and concentrate on the sounds around me. I can hear the different tones in the water from the right and the left of me. I can hear the leaves in the trees whispering to me. I can hear the flys as they pass me by. I can hear the chatter of a squirrel. I can hear the chirps of the birds. Slowly I open my eyes and I take notice of every variation of greens and browns and the various colours and shapes of the flowers and the trees. I look upwards to the tops of the trees and notice their heights. I feel small and insignificant. Through the trees I see the see the sky painted with a few clouds and rays of light coming through the branches. I take as much in as I can. I leave this secret place and take a walk on the trail that everyone else follows. I try not to notice the people as they pass by because I want my mind to remain blank. I look instead at the pebbles on the ground. I walk without purpose and without thought.
I come to a bench and I sit awhile in front of a pond. I notice a duck with her ducklings. I notice the large
fish in the pond. They weren't here before. Suddenly, I hear music coming from across the pond. I go to investigate. It was "Falun Dafa Week". I graciously took one of the papers handed to me. Interesting. Falun Dafa: an advanced cultivation practice in accordance with the essential nature of the universe: Truthfulness-Compassion-Forebearance. I smile now and walk back to my car. I feel better and as I walk I notice people smiling at me. I smile back because that's the way I feel.
May 12/2001
Today my son Elton married Anita. I am so proud to have her as my daughter. She is just such a warm and tender person. She is my confidant. They married in my home. It was a small but significant wedding. Monica, Cheryl, and Megan put up some wonderful decorations. Megan picked the most wonderful lilacs and flowers from her parents farm and made beautiful bouquets. They are girls to be proud of and I am so proud of them. Anyway, Elton and Anita had a memorable ceremony. It was their time and I know that they will dedicate their lives to one another forever. I know I have taught my sons well. They have all picked partners that will compliment the rest of their lives. I am very proud of my children and their partners.
