NARRATOR: Arh'm Jim Ross! And welcome to Mr. T. versus Todd Manning! Now Arh wanna remind everybody with a little disclaimer. Todd and everyone else belongs to ABC. Mr. T belongs to his damn self. And Arh appear courtesy of the WWE. Now, ain't nobody gettin' paid for all this, this is a site just to entertain people, and by God, that's what we're gonna do. Now, with all of that outta the way, lemme get on with this story...
NARRATOR: In Llanview, Pennsylvania, wealty socialite Blair Cramer overhears her no-good estranged husband Todd Manning on the phone talking to his investors.
TODD: Okay. Here's what we're gonna do. I'm going to buy the old folks home and kick them all out! Then I'm going to fire all the police, and burn down the orphanage.
NARRATOR: By God, he's Satan himself!
BLAIR: Oh, no! Todd's going to go after the old folks, the police, and the orphans! Renee, what am I going to do?
RENEE: Blair, there's only one option: We Need Mr. T!
NARRATOR: In a time of great need, Renee, like so many others before her, calls one of the world's greatest heroes, Mr. T!
MR. T: Lookie here, skinny rich lady! It's 6:00 am in Los Angeles! That's 9:00 am in yo' time! It's too early fo this jibba jabba! Why'd you wake me up fo?! You betta have a good reason--
RENEE (vo): Mr. T darling, you have to come help us!
MR. T: This betta be good, I ain't had my milk yet!
NARRATOR: Using state-of-the-art espionage technology, Renee has patched through Todd's cell phone.
TODD (vo): Wha-whaddya mean you won't do it?! FINE! I'll do it myself! I'll kick the old people out myself! Then I'll fire all the cops myself! And I'm damn sure gonna burn down the orphanage myself!
RENEE: And he lied to Blair that her baby boy died, and he wasn't!
MR. T: WHAT?! Kickin' old folks?! Firin' the police?! Lyin' to baby's mamas? Burnin' down orphanages? Skinny rich lady, ain't no way this Manning sucka's gonna get away with this!
MR. T: I'm fitna go to Llanview, Pennsylvania! That sucka's gonna get a lesson in respect! I pity the fool that messes with law-abiding citizens! And I pity that Manning fool because I'm gonna hurt him. Bad.
NARRATOR: And like he has done so many times, Mr. T., keeper of the peace, has come to defend the world against the forces of evil.
NARRATOR: At the same time that Mr. T gets in his 1982 customized GMC van, Blair confronts that no-good sonofa--
MR T.: Hey, J.R. fool! Watch your language!
NARRATOR: Sorry... her no-good husband with the knowledge of his nefarious misdeeds...
BLAIR: You bastard! How could you do something so rotten?!
TODD: Easy: I'm rich. Yeah, I shouldn't have lied about Jack, but c'mon! Who cares about the po-pos? I don't! We don't need the old people! They're gonna die anyway! And what's the big deal about the orphans?! That's one less bum off the street! Kill 'em all, I say! Kill... them... (his voice lowers to a Vince McMahon-like growl) all.
NARRATOR: What the hell is this?! What in the hell is this?! SOMEONE TELL ME WHY, DAMMIT!
BLAIR: How could you? (weeps) You're a terrible man! I can't believe I married you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I want a divorce!
TODD: No. You can't have a divorce! I'm going to terrorize all the people in this damn town! I'm gonna bury everybody, starting with that buttinsky Sam Rappaport! And nobody's gonna stop me!
NARRATOR: Mah God, this is makin' me sick! This is not right! What a by God charlatan! Arh've seen men shot for less, for God's sake! Leave her alone, for the love of God!
BLAIR: Oh, that did it. GET OUT! Get the hell out of my house! I never wanna see you again! You'll never see the kids again! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!
NARRATOR: YES! SHE THREW HIM OUT! THANK GAWD!
BLAIR: Get the steppin', Todd! GET THE-- What the--?!
NARRATOR: From out of nowhere appears the 1982 customized GMC van! That could mean only one thing... Mr. T. is here! And business is damn sure about to pick up!
TODD: Oh, no. Not him! How'd he get here so quick?
MR. T: Your days of disrespectin' law-abidin' citizens are over, fool!
And my van is fast, sucka!
BLAIR: Now you're gonna get it, you bastard!
NARRATOR: Who's bad now, ya big bully?
TODD: Wha-what am I worried for? He can't hit me! It's against his role model status!
MR. T: You're right, Manning fool. I'm a hero. It's against my role model status to hit people.
MR. T: But I can still throw you, sucka!
TODD: NO! You can't do this to me! I'm rich! I'm powerful! I'M TODD MANNING, DAMMIT!
MR. T: Too Late, fool! Yo behind's a frisbee, and I'm gonna throw it to the moon, sucka!
NARRATOR: And that damn Manning is launched to the moon! MR. T.! MR. T.! MR. T.!
TODD: Damn, that Mr. T is helluvatough! But I'll be back! Heed my words: I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!
NARRATOR: For his valiant effort, Blair offers Mr. T. some gold. But in true hero fashion...
MR. T: The old folks are saved, the police still have jobs, the little orphans have a home, and you're finally reunited with your son! Just like I always say, ma'am: Doin' the right thing is it's own reward... and knowin' is half the battle!
NARRATOR: Actually, that's a line from GI--
MR. T.: Don't correct me, J.R. fool!
NARRATOR: So Blair gave him some milk instead.
BLAIR: Thank you, Mr. T!
NARRATOR: And so, Mr. T. visits the children of the Llanview Orphanage. Another day saved thanks to one of the greatest heroes of all time: MR. T!
MR. T: Shut up, J.R. fool! It's time to end the story!
NARRATOR: For "Mr. T. versus Todd Manning", I'm Jim Ross!
MR. T: Goodnight, boys and girls.
Build your own Mr. T. Versus Page, sucka!
That McMahon sucka is Next!