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NEW MONKEES
"Helen Goes Shopping"
Written by
Robert DeMaio
REVISED SHOOTING SCRIPT
August 12, 1987
TEASER
1. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Paintbrush in hand and wearing a smock to protect his
clothing, MARTY puts the last touches on an oversized, PEDESTAL
platform; something that might showcase an expensive work of art. A tall
LADDER stands beside it. Both the LADDER and the PEDESTAL are located
near the fireplace. MARTY steps back to look at his handiwork. DINO
ENTERS
DINO
What' cha doin' Marty?
MARTY
(proudly)
Dino, we're about to enter the post modernist art world.
DINO
Great. Is there a dress code?
MARTY
Don't be ridiculous. Pre-post-modernism had a very strict dress code,
but of course we're post pre-post now.
DINO
Of course...
DINO pulls out an eye piece and walks around the
pedestal and ladder. eyeing them as an art critic. He-circles it, using
his thumb to size it up, etc.
DINO
Special, Marty! The color, the simplicity of form, it' has a certain 'Jene
se quais'. But I'm not sure about the ladder....
MARTY
It's just a pedestal, Dino.
DINO
It looks a lot like a ladder to me.
MARTY
(indicating with his hands )
It IS a ladder, that's a LADDER and that's a PEDESTAL. You climb up
the former and put the work of art on the latter!
DINO
I don't think that ladder will hold the former.
MARTY
It doesn't have to, the art HASN'T ARRIVED yet.
DINO
(seeming embarrassed)
Oh-that's a relief. I was gonna. say you got ripped off.
MARTY
(proudly adding a few more brush strokes to the
pedestal)
Dino, in a couple of minutes, we're going to be the proud owners of
an original Warthog.
DINO
A Warthog? How are you going to get it to stay on the pedestal?
MARTY
Mandy Warthog, Dino. The artist.
DINO
Oh... Well, what makes you think she's gonna stay on the pedestal?
MARTY
She's not, her art is. She sculpts giant kitchen appliances; six foot
double boilers, eight foot cheese graters. I ordered a ten foot
blender.
DINO
(looking around living room)
Yeah, we could use a ten foot blender around here. Make a righteous
smoothie.
MANFORD ENTERS on the landing.
MANFORD
Gentlemen, some delivery men are here to deliver a delivery.
MARTY
Great, show them in.
MANFORD turns and gives a big fingers-in-the-mouth whistle.
MANFORD
Okay, fellas. Get it in gear.
FOUR DELIVERY MEN ENTER carrying some boxes
and cross to the pedestal.
DELIVERY MAN
Where do you want this, buddy.
MARTY (RE :pedestal) Right over here.
The DELIVERY MEN begin opening the boxes.
DINO
Humm. Looks like some assembly required.
JARED ENTERS.
JARED
Hey, cool pedestal.
DINO
It's for Marty's new Warthog.
JARED
Those are gnarly animals, man. I doubt it's gonna
want to pose or nothin'.
MARTY
It's riot an animal, it's a piece of art.
What is it with you guys?
The WORKMEN finish tinkering with the
pedestal and EXIT. REVEALING a wimpy little kitchen blender. It looks
ridiculous on the massive pedestal.
DINO
(like an art critic)
Belissimo!! Beautiful!! The color. the shape,
the sense of internal balance,
the 'off ! on' switch...
JARED
I think you got ripped off.
DINO
Me too.
LARRY ENTERS and crosses to the
bookshelves. He stops when he notices the BLENDER.
LARRY
Hey, what's with the blender?
JARED
It's not a blender, Larry, it's art.
LARRY
Silly me.
MARTY
No. no, no. It is a blender!' A tiny,
stupid Little BLENDER. I did get ripped off!
DELIVERY MAN ENTERS.
DELIVERY MAN
Yeah, and we got about a 100 more of them beck in the truck with all the
other stuff you ordered.
The other DELIVERY are back, carry huge
Turkish Samovars.
DELIVERY
(calling to WORKMAN on the landing)
Prey that door open, Horst, so we can roll this stuff in.
Another set of DELIVERY MEN come parading
through. They're sliding in a grotesque 6-piece Italian Provincial living
room set wrapped in plastic. Behind then cone 10 black velvet paintings.
Behind then, 12 lawn jockeys, then 25 snowshoes. 50 plastic penguin nite-lights;
and right after then is HORST again, this time with a large ceramic
Dalmation under each arm. This cycle continues, each time the items become
more and more outlandish. (A BUNCH OF CHICKENS are brought into the living
room)
MARTY
I didn't order any of this.
LARRY
Maybe it's from an adoring fan.
DELIVERY MAN
(handing MARTY a piece of paper)
Whoever sent it, you're paying for it, bud. Comes to $50,185.22
MARTY
You're nuts if you think we're gonna pay for any of this junk!
DELIVERY MAN
(showing MARTY clipboard)
You already did!
MARTY
(checking out the receipts)
Oh MY GOD! Our credit card number!
(turning to THE GUYS)
All right ! Which one of you...
The OTHER THREE look innocent and point to
each other as the possible culprits. MARTY reaches into a just delivered
box, takes out some mousse and holds it threateningly at DINO and JARED.
MARTY
(continuing)
Styling mousse! Dino! Jared! Fess up.
They both shake their heads so hard their
hair wiggles. MARTY picks tip a nearby set of dumbells.
MARTY
(continuing, holding dumbells)
Larry?
LARRY
Wow, nice dumbells!
DELIVERY MAN
(calling out, towards front door)
Okay guys, bring in the rest of the stuff.
EVERYONE
THE REST OF THE STUFF!!
THEY RUN OUT OF FRAME yelling: 'Stop, hold
, wait a minute, what's going on', etc...
CUT TO:
2. INT. JARED'S LAB - DAY
We hear the quiet sound of a TV from
somewhere as WE PAN slowly across the lab to reveal HELEN, watching a TV
set tuned to the "HOME SHOPPING NETWORK". On the screen is a PITCHMAN
holding up a spatula.
PITCHMAN
Whether it's a boating holiday, or a trip to The Orient, these small,
compact, handy traveling spatchulas are just the thing for active people
on the go.
HELEN
Yes! Yes! Make that 20 of the travel spatchulas and 30 sets of the
titanium flatware. Gimme a hundred digital mood rinds, a dozen plastic
vomits. what's that? I'm over my credit limit? Well, lemme give you
another credit card number, I just gotta have those plastic vomits!!
HELEN begins to laugh out of control.
END TEASER
CONTINUE TO ACT I
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