| "HELEN GOES SHOPPING"
ACT I
3. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
The room is being filled with boxes by DELIVERY MEN. It is now so
packed with merchandise that it's bard to get around. DELIVERY MEN just
keep coming, like' in 'The Sorcerer's Apprentice'. CHICKENS scurry about.
LARRY walks on a treadmill, which speeds up
over the course of the scene.
MARTY
(pacing back and forth)
We've got to find out who's spending money.
JARED
(picking up a very kitch figurine)
Would buy this junk?
LARRY
I don't know. But this Precor treadmill's pretty cool.
THE GUYS look at him suspiciously.
LARRY
(continuing, denying their looks)
I mean, it's great, but I'd never--
MARTY
(picking up another ugly item)
Naw, the person who scored this is of pretty tasteless.
THE DELIVERY MEN walk past carrying a
VELVET painting of ELVIS.
JARED
An aesthetic retard
ALL EYES turn to DINO
DINO
Hey, don't look at me guys!
DINO backs defensively. He steps onto the
back of the treadmill and goes flying off, landing next to some computer
boxes.
DINO
Ah, computers. So, Jared, it was you all along.
JARED
Don't be ridiculous. Why would I buy some junior league number crunchers
when I got Helen?
ALL
HELEN!
CUT TO:
4. INT. JARED'S LAB - DAY
HELEN is still watching a television tuned to the "Home Shopping Network".
A WOMAN is modeling some hedge clippers. Over THE WOMAN'S head, a sign
flashes "Only $29.99" as a hypnotic come-on. HELEN speaks with psychotic
determination.
HELEN
(speaking to herself)
Ooooh. Hedge clippers: nice, handy, practical, and such-a bargain... I
need 'em, I want 'em, I gotta have 'em!
Yeah, a dozen.., just put 'em on my tab.... Oops, gotta run.
HELEN clicks off the TV as THE FOUR BOYS
COME INTO FRAME.
DINO
Helen, something funny's going on around here.
HELEN
Funny, ha-ha, or funny, strange?
JARED, Funny, strange.
HELEN
Strange, good, or strange, bad?
LARRY
I'd have to say strange, bad. What about you guys?
MARTY
Strange as in 1200 heart-shaped toilet seats.
HELEN
(slipping into consumerism. Nice.
MARTY
What?
HELEN
(innocently)
I don't know anything about it. But you know, Manford's a been acting a
little suspicious lately.
DINO
Manford?
JARED
Could it be??
CUT TO
5. Int. HALLWAY - DAY
MANFORD stands holding his shotgun with a
deranged Jack Nicholson look on his face. He is veering an English hunting
outfit. CHICKENS cluck-around nearby.
MANFORD
Pull!!
A BLENDER goes flying in front of his.
MANFORD gets a beeline on it and FIRES! PLASTER CHIPS fall to the ground
as does a STAGE LIGHT WITH BARN DOORS. MANFORD wears a satisfied grin. THE
BOYS walk up.
LARRY
He's totally lost it.
DINO
How can you tell?
MANFORD
Pull !
Another BLENDER flys by, this time aver the
boys' heads. Is MANFORD takes aim, THE HOTS fall to the ground. DINO
catches the BLENDER and tosses it to JARED, who tosses it to LARRY, etc.
MANFORD aims his gun.
ANGLE ON BOYS. They drop to their knees
with their hands in the air.
DINO
Don't Manford, don't! You can keep the plastic vomits!
MANFORD
Plastic vomits?
JARED
There's no need to hide it any longer.... We know...
MARTY
It's okay, Manford. We all have our compulsive problems.... The important
thing is to talk them out.
MANFORD shakes his head and shoots another
figurine. A DUMMY falls to the ground. ANGLE ON GROUND. THE DUMMY is now
SUPERGIRL. She stands up, brushes herself off, and walks away.
MANFORD
The only problem around here is getting rid of all this junk. Target
practice seems as good a way as any...
MANFORD blows away another one. THE BOYS
slowly stand up now.
LARRY
Target practice?
MANFORD
Sport shooting, my boy. Used to be quite a good shot
when I was younger...
DINO
Then you're not a compulsive psycho-killer money-spending maniac?
MANFORD
Goodness no, I'm just trying to make the best of a tacky situation.
DELIVERY MAN ENTERS the hallway with two
plastic pink flamingos under each arm.
DELIVERY MAN
Where do you want these, guys?
MANFORD
Oh, lucky me.... Pity they don't fly.
HE COCKS his rifle.
SPIN TO
6. INT. JARED'S LAB - LATER
JARED is pacing back and forth.
HELEN
And you believed that flea-bitten butler?!
JARED
I believe anyone carrying a shotgun.
JARED, still trying to think, hits a key on
a synth. The synth blurts out "$29.95". He stops... he hits that key,
again..."$29.95". It's a digital sample and when he hits a higher note,
the voice is modulated higher, still saying "$29.95".
JARED
Helen! What's the deal?!
ANGLE ON HELEN. She's talking to herself.
HELEN
Deal, deal, let's make a deal! Commemorative bicentennial dishware only
$29.95....
JARED
Helen! What are you doing?!!
HELEN
(oblivious to JARED)
If I order 50 sets of the dishware, do I get the crate of Norwegian
sardines? And what about the platinum toenail clippers? How much for
500?
JARED
Helen! Helen! You don't even have toenails! HELEN!! STOP IT!!
HELEN
(enticingly)
Jared, I can get you anything you want:
flippers, surf boards, sex wax!
She starts laughing hysterically. He grabs
her by the monitor and tries shaking some sense into her.
JARED
(continuing)
GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, HELEN! SNAP OUT OF IT!
JARED finally hauls off and slaps the shit
out of HELEN. She begins to cry.
JARED
It's okay. It's okay--just spit it out.
With a massive BAWL, HELEN SPITS OUT an
endless stream of credit cards from a slot in her disk drive.
HELEN
I thought I had it under control... but I'm powerless. I'm- I'm- I'm a
SHOPOHOLIC! A Visa freak. There, I said it. Please don't kick me out!
Don't put me on the streets.
JARED
It's riot your fault Helen, it's a disease. I'11 take care of you.
JARED puts his arm around HELEN.
HELEN
Our quiet little house rocked by scandal.
What will the neighbors think?
END ACT I
CONTINUE TO ACT II
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