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Big Fat Joeycat's INFOMATO- one of only a few news services with a bureau in Hell

Bulletin    NO BULLETIN AT THIS TIME......NO BULLETIN AT THIS TIME......NO BULLETIN AT THIS TIME.....NO BULLETIN AT THIS TIME.....WAIT, HERE'S A LATE BULLETIN,  WAIT, WAIT IT'S COMING IN RIGHT NOW..............---BULLETIN---BULLETIN---THERE AIN'T NO DAMN BULLETIN, GO CHECK THE SPECIAL REPORT (and if you've checked it before, CHECK IT AGAIN).........NO BULLETIN AT THIS TIME.......NO BULLETIN AT THIS TIME (some people!?!)........

Flash       FLOODS STRIKE UNEXPECTEDLY...........AND TRASH-- A QUICK WAY TO A GIRL'S HEART..........GORDON WAS REALLY SOME KINDA GUY.........PAINS CRY OUT FOR ASPERCREME..........IN THE PAN, THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID ABOUT THE LOUIE SATIN TRIO...........AS IN BACK IN A........ 

Alert       .....CALLING ALL CARS......CALLING ALL CARS......BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR A TAN CHEVY LICENSE PLATE IVAN,  GREGORY, OSCAR, TANGO, THE NUMBER 2, PRESTON......CAR TRAVELING SOUTH ON YELLOW BRICK BLVD............CALLING ALL CARS......CALLING ALL CARS......MC DONALDS EXPERIENCING 15 MINUTE DELAY AT DRIVE THRU...........CALLING ALL CARS......CALLING ALL CARS.......DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE AT WINE IMPORTER...........  

Warning   FIVE CAN GET YOU TENSED...............ONIONS CAN SMOTHER.............DOGS HAVE BAD BREATH...............REGIS ISN'T GOING AWAY QUIETLY...............THE GIRLS ALL GET PRETTIER AT CLOSING TIME..............HUMOR CAN SPLIT YOUR SIDE (BUT THIS SCROLLING BABBLE PROBABLY WON'T HURT YOU)............

NEWS    FLASHBACK

HELL   

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World Wide News BEFORE It Happens

The technology we employ in gathering information is so advanced we are now able to bring you full coverage of the news BEFORE it happens.   Forget "late breaking", our news ain't even news yet.   

To effectively utilize this cutting edge medium simply do the following.  First ponder "who" in the first row of the patented ADVANCO-SONIC news reader below.  It won't take long.    Believe us, you'll know who.   Then allow your prying eyes to peruse "what" in the second and third rows.  Again, don't worry, you'll quickly figure out  what.    Most folks are satisfied with who did what,  but if you want the details, repeat the perusing in the "where" and "when" rows.   Now that's all pretty simple, isn't it?   So, if you follow these instructions, we assure you you'll know all the World Wide News BEFORE it happens (perhaps LONG BEFORE it happens).          

 

ADVANCO-SONIC NEWS READER 

WHO

PREMIER      GIRLS      U.N.      BIRD WATCHERS      SENATORS       SOLDIERS      CIRCUS CLOWNS      CHILDREN      NIXON      PIRATES      FIRE CHIEF       RIOTERS      MUT & JEFF      HITLER'S CORPSE      THATCHER      EARTHQUAKE VICTIMS     ROCK STAR      SPOKESPERSON      JORDAN      DEVIL IN A BLUE DRESS      LOBBYISTS      CHAIRMAN      SURGEON      ADMINISTRATION      ASTRONAUT      BEETLE BAILEY      HEFNER      MASON-DIXON      QUEEN      GENERAL       SECRETARY      ZOO CLEANER      DISTRICT ATTORNEY      JUNE TAYLOR DANCERS      GOVERNORS      SHORT ORDER COOKS      PRINCE      NAVY     GLEE CLUB      MAYORS      CHIEF INSPECTOR      WALLY CLEAVER      NEWMAN      VICE PRESIDENT      GUN OWNERS      MOB      TERRORISTS       IRA       JOBE      CRONKITE      ADMIRAL     COUNCIL      MINISTERS      WEB SURFERS       DISNEY      AUTHORITIES     TIGERS      STUDENTS      PROSTITUTES      EXPERTS      JAN & DEAN      ITALIANS      CEO      MARSHAL DILLON      ROCKETMEN      PARENTS      POPE      RACERS      RUSSIANS      ACTRESSES      SHOW GOERS      AGENCIES      TROOPS      ISREALIS      POLICE      GAYS      OFFICIALS      RESEARCHERS      BLAIR      RESTAURANT OPERATORS      SCIENTISTS     BUGS      WOMEN      MILLIONAIRES      EUROPEANS      RAPIST      ROYALS      STORM CHASER      BANDITS      DESIGNERS      DEMOCRATS      MAKERS      CRIMINALS      REPRESENTATIVES      CLINTON      AGENTS      NUNS      POLL WATCHERS      HEADMASTER      DR. SPOCK      GERM EXPERT      BEER MAN
WHAT LIFTS      GO(ES)       VISIT(S)      BOIL(S)      VACATION(S)      ESCAPE(S)       OPERATE(S)       MURDER(S)       PULL(S)      DRINK(S)       LEND(S)      SWING(S)       DECIDE(S)      START(S)      LEAVE(S)      HATE(S)      CONTINUE(S)      RAVAGE(S)      BEAT(S)      HALT(S)      VACATE(S)      ORIGINATE(S)       SIP(S)      FINISH(ES)      LOOT(S)      KILL(S)      STOP(S)      MEET(S)      TALK(S)       BEGIN(S)      RESIGN(S)      EAT(S)      PROTEST(S)      OPEN(S)      SHOOT(S)      END(S)      VIOLATE(S)      ABUSE(S)      BEGIN(S)      STORM(S)      GREET(S)      DISTRIBUTE(S)      PENITRATE(S)      HELP(S)      PLAN(S)      LOOT(S)      ATTACK(S)      FIND(S)      HOLD(S)      CONTINUE(S)      DESTROY(S)      DEBATE(S)      DISCOVER(S)       CLOSE(S)      START(S)      ATTACK(S)      CLEAN(S)-UP      WIN(S)      INCLUDE(S)      OPEN(S)      DONATE(S)      DOMINATE(S)      REDUCE(S)      MEET(S)      FEEL(S)      DEFEAT(S)      ROB(S)      SHOW(S)      LOSE(S)      MAME(S)      SURRENDER(S)     MURDER(S)      STRIKE(S)      STEAL(S)      JAIL(S)      DECREASE(S)      ENTER(S)      KILL(S)      GIVE(S)      PUNT(S)      CLOSE(S)      SHOOT(S)      LICK(S)      TRACE(S)      SACK(S)      STICK(S)      HIT(S)      EMBRACE(S)      RAPE(S)      REWARD(S)      BOMB(S)      STEAR(S)      BURN(S)      TRANSPLANT(S)      KILL(S)      INVEST(S)      LOAN(S)      REVIEW(S)      TRANSLATE(S)      CLEAN(S)      JUNK(S)      KILL(S)      ENTER(S)      KNOCK(S)      STRIKE(S)      NAB(S)      AVERT(S)      SEND(S)      BARGAIN(S)      SUBVERT(S)      LEGISLATE(S)      SLAM(S)       NEGOTIATE(S)      TAKE(S)      MISPLACE(S)      SINK(S)      CUT(S)      BLOW(S)      RECALL(S)        BROIL(S)      FIRE(S)      SPREAD(S)      ANNOUNCE(S)      RENOUNCE(S)      INVENT(S)      LEND(S)      CRUSH(ES)      PUSH(ES)      KILL(S)      FINISH(S)      DRAW(S)       COMPLETE(S)      BLAST(S)-OFF      PREVENT(S)      SAVE(S)      CUT(S)      BUY(S)      CHOP(S)      END(S)      TRADE(S)      INCREASE(S)      LEAVE(S)      MERGE(S)      WIPE(S)      SELL(S)      FINGERS(S)       COOK(S)      CONFUSE(S)      DOWN(S)      GIVE(S)     STIR(S)
  BUS      DRAWINGS      BUILDING     PAN     CITY      PRISON      STUDIO APARTMENT      TABLE     CEREAL BOWL       SPIRITS      MOVEMENT      CONCERT HALL       EAR,NOSE & THROAT      LIGHT BULB      VICTIMS      BORDER      STATE      ALL NIGHT DINER     TIRE IRON      VILLAGE      HOMELESS      JOHNSON       GIANTS      MALL      THOUSANDS      TEENAGERS      MANSION      RESORT HOTEL      JIMMY MACK      OFFICE      BOY      PLAN      DEAD      CITY      LIMO      MOUNTAINS      SPACECRAFT      ORPHAN       WARDEN      SEA SALT      LARGE PACKAGE      FIRE ALARM      SOUTH DAKOTA      CHILDREN      LEGS      BOMB      CAPITAL      BUSH      FANS      TAIL      BREAD      BOMBSHELL      ARGENTINA      PERIMETER      SHIP      SYRIA      CULT      COMPASS      SUBMARINE      CANDY STRIPERS      SALESMAN      SMOKEHOUSE SPECIAL      LADIES      COMPUTER      MONUMENT      CRIME SCENE      SILVER MINE      LONDON      VEGATABLE      NORTHERN TOWN      RENTAL CAR      PARIS      SOFTWARE      REDFORD       GORE     MOUNTAIN TOP      KING      TOWN DRUNK       PEANUTS       TV       UNIVERSITY       PARTY GIRL      YO-YO       BURGERS       WASHINGTON      SUGAR DADDY      VAULT      NEW MEXICO      YMCA      MUSCLES      JACKSON       KEYBOARD      MILKSHAKE      COMMITTEE      ELVIS      HILLARY      GIRL      PARADE      HAIR      SHIP      SUMMIT      MEAT      PLANET      INMATES     DEALERS      HEADS      FARMS      FESTIVAL      PARTS      FORTUNES      PERIOD      PUBLIC      REGION      LEGS      STREETS      THEATER      BANK      DRESSES      RACE      GOODS      JOB      BODIES      DISEASE      GLASS CEILING      PARTNERS      MOUSE      PIZZA      PRISON      COUNTRY      FOOD COLORING      KOREA      BRAIN      CAMP      UTAH
WHERE AT THE CAPITAL      IN THE STREET      AT THE DOOR      DOWN UNDER      IN MID AIR      ON TOP      IN THE GUT      AT HEADQUARTERS      UNDER THE TABLE      ON BROADWAY      IN THE DESERT      IN THE WOODS      AT THE CONFERENCE      IN THE FACE      OVER ARKANSAS      500 MILES FROM BASE      ON THE FLOOR        IN THE MOUTH      UP TOWN      AT THE CIRCUS      OVER LAND      UNDER THE KNEE      ON TOP OF OL' SMOKEY      DOWNTOWN      DOWN ON THE CORNER      IN SPACE      IN CYBERSPACE      IN A BOTTLE      IN THE CHEST      ON AN ISLAND      ON THE MAT      UNDER A TREE      AT THE TALKS      DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS      ROUND THE BEND      AT THE SHOW      IN BED      ON THE ROAD TO RUIN      ON THE ROAD TO NOWHERE     ABOVE THE CLOUDS      AT THE HOTEL      AT THE MOTEL      NORTH OF TOWN      SOUTH OF TOWN      SOUTH OF MOSCOW      IN MOSCOW      WHERE THE ACTION IS      IN THE ATLANTIC       IN THE PACIFIC      IN THE TEA STORE      AT A SECRET LOCATION      IN A HOSPITAL      AT THE ZOO      AT THE MEETING      IN A PARKED CAR      IN A SPEEDING CAR      UNDER THE STARS      AT THE CONFERENCE      IN A PARKING GARAGE      AT AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION       ON A ROLLER COASTER      ON TV      ON A WHIM      ON A BLIND DATE      UNDERCOVER      UNDER THE WEAPING WILLOW       AT THE HOME OFFICE      AT THE HOME FOR THE SICK & TONE DEAF      AT THE OLD KENTUCKY HOME      AT THE ROLLER RINK      UNDER THE BOARDWALK
WHEN TOMORROW      TOMORROW MORNING      TOMORROW WHEN EVERYBODY HAS GONE      NEXT TUESDAY      IN THREE MONTHS      IN THREE MINUTES      ON THE 12TH      WHEN FISH FLY      WHEN BIRDS SWIM      WHEN SHEEP CLIMB TREES      WHEN BEARS CHANGE MUFFLERS       NEXT WEEK      LATER      SOONER      SOONER OR LATER      IN DUE TIME      IN PRIME TIME      IN TIME FOR LUNCH      IN THE NEXT DAY OR TWO      IN A MONTH      IN 100 YEARS      THIS AFTERNOON      AT CHRISTMAS      ON THE 4TH OF JULY      AS SOON AS POSSIBLE      FAIRLY SOON      IN A LITTLE WHILE      FIVE MINUTES FROM NOW      LATER THIS MONTH     ON  FRIDAY MORNING      BY MIDNIGHT      BEFORE MIDNIGHT      BEFORE SUPPER      IN AUGUST     REAL SOON      AFTER FURTHER STUDY      AFTER DUE CONSIDERATION      AFTER THEY DO      AFTER WE DO     BEFORE TOMORROW      BEFORE THE BOMBING ENDS      BEFORE PAYING THE BILL      BEFORE THURSDAY      AFTER THURSDAY      AT NOON      AT 5 PAST NOON      NEVER     AS BIG BEN STRIKES ELEVEN     IN MARCH     IN THESE HARD TIMES      IN A JIFFY      MAYBE NEXT WEEK      MANANA      BY THE TIME THE INK DRIES      UPON REACHING THE THIRTY-FIFTH PARALLEL     ON THE HOLY DAY      ON THE IDES OF MARCH      WHENEVER

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Flashback  Crow Daddy P-- the first chicken to cross a road

Crow Daddy P was hatched April 11, 1948 at the historic Jackson Johnson Jenkins Plantation near Dim View, Alabama.  He was the one hundred and thirty-second son of Missy and Jake.   A twelve pound roaster, Crow Daddy enjoyed crowing and strutting, and was known locally as quite the hen's man.  On July, 14 1950 at two o'clock in the afternoon, Crow Daddy made history by crossing County Road 9 four miles east of Dim View.   

Flashback Quiz

WHY DID CROW DADDY P CROSS THE ROAD?

A. To get a pack of Luckies   B. To practice the Serpentine Maneuver for ROTC   C. To avoid an approaching lawnmower    D. To get back at Jake, whom he hated   E. To hot dog it in front of the peeps   E. All of the above    F. Some of the above. 

WHAT WERE CROW DADDY'S FIRST WORDS AFTER CROSSING THE ROAD?

A. Look at me!   B. That's one small step for chicken, one great leap for poultry   C. Next stop Disneyworld   D. I think I'll get an RC to go with those Luckies   E. I do chicken right   F. Hen, I know you want it.

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Hell's Bells pitwide coverage of what's hot

by INFOMATO reporters Benny and Billy Bell

Reading our column should give you a good idea of what Hell is like.  Since this is our inaugural report and many of our readers are Hell ignorant, we thought we'd present a general "facts and stats" on the region.  So, here goes.

President: Hubert H. Humphrey.   Next election: in 400 years.    Man-to-woman ratio: 5,000,000 to 1.   Television channels: The Weather Channel (TWC), Pattern Signal (PS), Automated Community Access (ACA).   Top 5 TV shows: 1- Pattern Signal, PS (Thu. 9pm), 2- Pattern Signal, PS (Sun. 8pm), 3- Pattern Signal, PS (Wed. 9 PM), 4- Pattern Signal, PS (Tue. 10pm), 5- This Week's Ice Water Schedule, ACA (Fri. 4:35 AM).   Population: growing too fast to count.  Sports teams: Raisers, Cats, Icopters (all baseball).   Prettiest woman: Eleanor Roosevelt.   Second prettiest woman: Lassie.   Favorite backyard activity: toasting weenies.    Second favorite backyard activity: toasting marshmallows.    Third favorite backyard activity: mile-high pogo.   Most popular car: Pontiac Firebird.   Most popular truck: Uncle Willie's Water Wagon.   Most visited web site: Angelfire.com   Second most visited web site: MyDirtyDeeds.com    Best selling group: The Famous Flames.   Best selling book:  "Why Women Are Both Rare And Well Done".  Highest peak: Mount Melt.  Largest City: Pittsburgh.   Majority race: well-tanned white people.   Percentage of income consumed by taxes: 116.   Most prevalent religion: Devil Worship.   Second most prevalent religion: any church with fans in the pews.   Most popular investment vehicle: slush fund.   Largest circulation newspaper: The Daily Boil.    Most common health ailment: third-degree burns.   Least common health ailment: water on the brain.   Chance of winning Lotto: same as topside.

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Thank you for visiting Big Fat Joeycat's INFOMATO (formerly Big Fat Joeycat's INFORAMA).  We hope your visit has been enjoyable and look forward to seeing you again soon. 

Updated 3/25/01

 Learn something at Big Fat University

  2001 by Infomato News Service

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