INFOMATO- news you can salt

World Wide News BEFORE It Happens

The technology we employ in gathering information is so advanced we are now able to bring you full coverage of the news BEFORE it happens. Forget "late breaking", our news ain't even news yet.

To effectively utilize this cutting edge medium simply do the following. First ponder "who" in the first row of the patented ADVANCO-SONIC news reader below. It won't take long. Believe us, you'll know who. Then allow your prying eyes to peruse "what" in the second and third rows. Again, don't worry, you'll quickly figure out what. Most folks are satisfied with who did what, but if you want the details, repeat the perusing in the "where" and "when" rows. Now that's all pretty simple, isn't it? So, if you follow these instructions, we assure you you'll know all the World Wide News BEFORE it happens (perhaps LONG BEFORE it happens).

	ADVANCO-SONIC NEWS READER
WHO	PREMIER GIRLS U.N. BIRD WATCHERS SENATORS SOLDIERS CIRCUS CLOWNS CHILDREN NIXON PIRATES FIRE CHIEF RIOTERS MUT & JEFF HITLER'S CORPSE THATCHER EARTHQUAKE VICTIMS ROCK STAR SPOKESPERSON JORDAN DEVIL IN A BLUE DRESS LOBBYISTS CHAIRMAN SURGEON ADMINISTRATION ASTRONAUT BEETLE BAILEY HEFNER MASON-DIXON QUEEN GENERAL SECRETARY ZOO CLEANER DISTRICT ATTORNEY JUNE TAYLOR DANCERS GOVERNORS SHORT ORDER COOKS PRINCE NAVY GLEE CLUB MAYORS CHIEF INSPECTOR WALLY CLEAVER NEWMAN VICE PRESIDENT GUN OWNERS MOB TERRORISTS IRA JOBE CRONKITE ADMIRAL COUNCIL MINISTERS WEB SURFERS DISNEY AUTHORITIES TIGERS STUDENTS PROSTITUTES EXPERTS JAN & DEAN ITALIANS CEO MARSHAL DILLON ROCKETMEN PARENTS POPE RACERS RUSSIANS ACTRESSES SHOW GOERS AGENCIES TROOPS ISREALIS POLICE GAYS OFFICIALS RESEARCHERS BLAIR RESTAURANT OPERATORS SCIENTISTS BUGS WOMEN MILLIONAIRES EUROPEANS RAPIST ROYALS STORM CHASER BANDITS DESIGNERS DEMOCRATS MAKERS CRIMINALS REPRESENTATIVES CLINTON AGENTS NUNS POLL WATCHERS HEADMASTER DR. SPOCK GERM EXPERT BEER MAN
WHAT	LIFTS GO(ES) VISIT(S) BOIL(S) VACATION(S) ESCAPE(S) OPERATE(S) MURDER(S) PULL(S) DRINK(S) LEND(S) SWING(S) DECIDE(S) START(S) LEAVE(S) HATE(S) CONTINUE(S) RAVAGE(S) BEAT(S) HALT(S) VACATE(S) ORIGINATE(S) SIP(S) FINISH(ES) LOOT(S) KILL(S) STOP(S) MEET(S) TALK(S) BEGIN(S) RESIGN(S) EAT(S) PROTEST(S) OPEN(S) SHOOT(S) END(S) VIOLATE(S) ABUSE(S) BEGIN(S) STORM(S) GREET(S) DISTRIBUTE(S) PENITRATE(S) HELP(S) PLAN(S) LOOT(S) ATTACK(S) FIND(S) HOLD(S) CONTINUE(S) DESTROY(S) DEBATE(S) DISCOVER(S) CLOSE(S) START(S) ATTACK(S) CLEAN(S)-UP WIN(S) INCLUDE(S) OPEN(S) DONATE(S) DOMINATE(S) REDUCE(S) MEET(S) FEEL(S) DEFEAT(S) ROB(S) SHOW(S) LOSE(S) MAME(S) SURRENDER(S) MURDER(S) STRIKE(S) STEAL(S) JAIL(S) DECREASE(S) ENTER(S) KILL(S) GIVE(S) PUNT(S) CLOSE(S) SHOOT(S) LICK(S) TRACE(S) SACK(S) STICK(S) HIT(S) EMBRACE(S) RAPE(S) REWARD(S) BOMB(S) STEAR(S) BURN(S) TRANSPLANT(S) KILL(S) INVEST(S) LOAN(S) REVIEW(S) TRANSLATE(S) CLEAN(S) JUNK(S) KILL(S) ENTER(S) KNOCK(S) STRIKE(S) NAB(S) AVERT(S) SEND(S) BARGAIN(S) SUBVERT(S) LEGISLATE(S) SLAM(S) NEGOTIATE(S) TAKE(S) MISPLACE(S) SINK(S) CUT(S) BLOW(S) RECALL(S) BROIL(S) FIRE(S) SPREAD(S) ANNOUNCE(S) RENOUNCE(S) INVENT(S) LEND(S) CRUSH(ES) PUSH(ES) KILL(S) FINISH(S) DRAW(S) COMPLETE(S) BLAST(S)-OFF PREVENT(S) SAVE(S) CUT(S) BUY(S) CHOP(S) END(S) TRADE(S) INCREASE(S) LEAVE(S) MERGE(S) WIPE(S) SELL(S) FINGERS(S) COOK(S) CONFUSE(S) DOWN(S) GIVE(S) STIR(S)
	BUS DRAWINGS BUILDING PAN CITY PRISON STUDIO APARTMENT TABLE CEREAL BOWL SPIRITS MOVEMENT CONCERT HALL EAR,NOSE & THROAT LIGHT BULB VICTIMS BORDER STATE ALL NIGHT DINER TIRE IRON VILLAGE HOMELESS JOHNSON GIANTS MALL THOUSANDS TEENAGERS MANSION RESORT HOTEL JIMMY MACK OFFICE BOY PLAN DEAD CITY LIMO MOUNTAINS SPACECRAFT ORPHAN WARDEN SEA SALT LARGE PACKAGE FIRE ALARM SOUTH DAKOTA CHILDREN LEGS BOMB CAPITAL BUSH FANS TAIL BREAD BOMBSHELL ARGENTINA PERIMETER SHIP SYRIA CULT COMPASS SUBMARINE CANDY STRIPERS SALESMAN SMOKEHOUSE SPECIAL LADIES COMPUTER MONUMENT CRIME SCENE SILVER MINE LONDON VEGATABLE NORTHERN TOWN RENTAL CAR PARIS SOFTWARE REDFORD GORE MOUNTAIN TOP KING TOWN DRUNK PEANUTS TV UNIVERSITY PARTY GIRL YO-YO BURGERS WASHINGTON SUGAR DADDY VAULT NEW MEXICO YMCA MUSCLES JACKSON KEYBOARD MILKSHAKE COMMITTEE ELVIS HILLARY GIRL PARADE HAIR SHIP SUMMIT MEAT PLANET INMATES DEALERS HEADS FARMS FESTIVAL PARTS FORTUNES PERIOD PUBLIC REGION LEGS STREETS THEATER BANK DRESSES RACE GOODS JOB BODIES DISEASE GLASS CEILING PARTNERS MOUSE PIZZA PRISON COUNTRY FOOD COLORING KOREA BRAIN CAMP UTAH
WHERE	AT THE CAPITAL IN THE STREET AT THE DOOR DOWN UNDER IN MID AIR ON TOP IN THE GUT AT HEADQUARTERS UNDER THE TABLE ON BROADWAY IN THE DESERT IN THE WOODS AT THE CONFERENCE IN THE FACE OVER ARKANSAS 500 MILES FROM BASE ON THE FLOOR IN THE MOUTH UP TOWN AT THE CIRCUS OVER LAND UNDER THE KNEE ON TOP OF OL' SMOKEY DOWNTOWN DOWN ON THE CORNER IN SPACE IN CYBERSPACE IN A BOTTLE IN THE CHEST ON AN ISLAND ON THE MAT UNDER A TREE AT THE TALKS DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS ROUND THE BEND AT THE SHOW IN BED ON THE ROAD TO RUIN ON THE ROAD TO NOWHERE ABOVE THE CLOUDS AT THE HOTEL AT THE MOTEL NORTH OF TOWN SOUTH OF TOWN SOUTH OF MOSCOW IN MOSCOW WHERE THE ACTION IS IN THE ATLANTIC IN THE PACIFIC IN THE TEA STORE AT A SECRET LOCATION IN A HOSPITAL AT THE ZOO AT THE MEETING IN A PARKED CAR IN A SPEEDING CAR UNDER THE STARS AT THE CONFERENCE IN A PARKING GARAGE AT AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION ON A ROLLER COASTER ON TV ON A WHIM ON A BLIND DATE UNDERCOVER UNDER THE WEAPING WILLOW AT THE HOME OFFICE AT THE HOME FOR THE SICK & TONE DEAF AT THE OLD KENTUCKY HOME AT THE ROLLER RINK UNDER THE BOARDWALK
WHEN	TOMORROW TOMORROW MORNING TOMORROW WHEN EVERYBODY HAS GONE NEXT TUESDAY IN THREE MONTHS IN THREE MINUTES ON THE 12TH WHEN FISH FLY WHEN BIRDS SWIM WHEN SHEEP CLIMB TREES WHEN BEARS CHANGE MUFFLERS NEXT WEEK LATER SOONER SOONER OR LATER IN DUE TIME IN PRIME TIME IN TIME FOR LUNCH IN THE NEXT DAY OR TWO IN A MONTH IN 100 YEARS THIS AFTERNOON AT CHRISTMAS ON THE 4TH OF JULY AS SOON AS POSSIBLE FAIRLY SOON IN A LITTLE WHILE FIVE MINUTES FROM NOW LATER THIS MONTH ON FRIDAY MORNING BY MIDNIGHT BEFORE MIDNIGHT BEFORE SUPPER IN AUGUST REAL SOON AFTER FURTHER STUDY AFTER DUE CONSIDERATION AFTER THEY DO AFTER WE DO BEFORE TOMORROW BEFORE THE BOMBING ENDS BEFORE PAYING THE BILL BEFORE THURSDAY AFTER THURSDAY AT NOON AT 5 PAST NOON NEVER AS BIG BEN STRIKES ELEVEN IN MARCH IN THESE HARD TIMES IN A JIFFY MAYBE NEXT WEEK MANANA BY THE TIME THE INK DRIES UPON REACHING THE THIRTY-FIFTH PARALLEL ON THE HOLY DAY ON THE IDES OF MARCH WHENEVER

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Hell's Bells pitwide coverage of what's hot

by INFOMATO reporters Benny and Billy Bell

Reading our column should give you a good idea of what Hell is like. Since this is our inaugural report and many of our readers are Hell ignorant, we thought we'd present a general "facts and stats" on the region. So, here goes.

President: Hubert H. Humphrey. Next election: in 400 years. Man-to-woman ratio: 5,000,000 to 1. Television channels: The Weather Channel (TWC), Pattern Signal (PS), Automated Community Access (ACA). Top 5 TV shows: 1- Pattern Signal, PS (Thu. 9pm), 2- Pattern Signal, PS (Sun. 8pm), 3- Pattern Signal, PS (Wed. 9 PM), 4- Pattern Signal, PS (Tue. 10pm), 5- This Week's Ice Water Schedule, ACA (Fri. 4:35 AM). Population: growing too fast to count. Sports teams: Raisers, Cats, Icopters (all baseball). Prettiest woman: Eleanor Roosevelt. Second prettiest woman: Lassie. Favorite backyard activity: toasting weenies. Second favorite backyard activity: toasting marshmallows. Third favorite backyard activity: mile-high pogo. Most popular car: Pontiac Firebird. Most popular truck: Uncle Willie's Water Wagon. Most visited web site: Angelfire.com Second most visited web site: MyDirtyDeeds.com Best selling group: The Famous Flames. Best selling book: "Why Women Are Both Rare And Well Done". Highest peak: Mount Melt. Largest City: Pittsburgh. Majority race: well-tanned white people. Percentage of income consumed by taxes: 116. Most prevalent religion: Devil Worship. Second most prevalent religion: any church with fans in the pews. Most popular investment vehicle: slush fund. Largest circulation newspaper: The Daily Boil. Most common health ailment: third-degree burns. Least common health ailment: water on the brain. Chance of winning Lotto: same as topside.

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