Although applied specifically to leaders here, why are these qualities important for all Christians?

Of these qualities, what are two or three you have made progress with in this past year?  In which area do you want to grow now?  How can the class help you in that process?

Training for Addictive Behavior

As we approach the subject of addictive behavior.  You may be tempted to throw up your hands and say, "Whoa, this is too much for me.  Someone who is addicted to something needs a professional!"  In some cases you are right, and I'll give you guidelines to help you know when to insist that someone get professional help.

In some cases people don't have money for treatment.  They don't understand that many professional groups, including the majority of Christian counseling services, have sliding scales to make it possible for almost anyone needing help to receive it.

But often they are not willing to place themselves under the care of a professional whom they do not know or trust.  They will, however, turn to you and ask for your help.  In  some cases it will be the parents or the mate of someone who is hurting who asks, "What do you think I should do?"

Addictive behavior is a pattern of activity which has been established by a person who is emotionally or physically dependent on something or someone.  It may be a physical dependency as in substance abuse (alcohol and drugs).  In other cases the addictive behavior is an emotional dependency or attachment (co-dependency).

Defining Your Limitations as a Trainer-Leader

When you encounter addictive behavior, you are always confronted with the question, "Can I help?"  Much of that answer depends on whether or not the person who is hurting will allow you to help.

These questions provide guidelines in knowing whether to undertake the task of helping or to make a referral and see that the person follows through.

Will the Individual Respond to Confrontation?

If the person with the problem is the one who has come to you and asked, "What do you think I should do?" the confrontation issue is not difficult.  It's more complex, however, when a mother says, "I was cleaning my son's room this morning and I found an envelope of white powder I think is cocaine.  My son says it isn't his.  He says it belonged to the boy who spent the night over this weekend.  But I don't believe him.  My husband and I think he's a user."

Although we try to avoid it, confrontation is absolutely necessary if a person is to find help.  Described as "tough love," this kind of confrontation means that a family is willing to say, "Look, you've got a problem.  You know it and we do too, but we love you so much that we insist you get help.  We're going to stand with you, but this cannot go on.  You have to get help."  When you as a trainer/leader help another person, the issues of wrongdoing and poor choices must be confronted.

Is the Person willing to Face the Consequences of the action?

In phase two of the training process, you are striving to help your trainee see the options which are available and the ultimate consequences of his choices.  As long as a person refuses to acknowledge he has a problem, he hasn't faced the consequences of his actions.  he has to acknowledge that substance abuse or continued addictive behavior will ultimately damage or destroy relationships in his/her family; the abuse may even take his life.

Does the Person Have the Desire to Change?

Most of the individuals who come to you for help are struggling with some kind of addictive behavior really want help.  One of the beautiful things about training in the power of the Spirit is that God will help an individual who acknowledges his need and turns to the Lord for help.  You are like a midwife whose efforts will be accompanied by pain and travail.  When a person comes primarily because someone else wants him to come, to get the "monkey off his back," their is little that you can do.  When I see red flags in this regard.  I may even tell someone, "Look, I don't think you are ready for us to work together in this problem.  I want you to know that I care and I'm available, and when you are ready to work with me.  I'm ready to help."

Will the Person Be Completely Honest with Me?

Experience  has shown that your ability to help someone is directly related to that person's honesty.  Deception and dishonesty are marks of individuals who haven't reached the point of being willing to accept help.  When people lie to me, I tell them that I can't help them when they are dishonest.  I'll still be their friend, but there is no point in either of us wasting time in that kind of situation.

Is the Individual Willing to be Accountable?

Accountability means a person is willing to show up punctually for appointments and to accept responsibility for his actions.  When a person comes to you and wants help, and he also goes to one or two other friends for help, you need to ask the person to make a commitment to one of you.  What the other friend wants to do may be exactly what you want, but the way he strives to reach his goal may be at cross purposes with what you are trying to accomplish.

Is the Person Willing to Work with Me?

Is the individual sincere in his willingness to follow the counsel and training given?  As I've already mentioned in this course, when a person is close to you or your family and you think accountability means acknowledging some embarrassing or distasteful things, you may want to refer your hurting trainee to someone else for help.

You probably won't get an unqualified and enthusiastic "yes!" answer to all of these six questions.   And as the training process flows, there will be times when you may think that you are making little headway, but as long as you see a person is trying to work with you, you can be successful as a trainer.

But What if the Trainee Doesn't Take My Advice

There is always the chance that the person you are trying to train will ignore your advice and make a choice that you believe is a poor one.  What happens to your relationship then?

Your trainee will probably avoid you, at least until you let him/her know that no matter what he or she does, you will still love them and be their friend.  Jesus had that kind of love for His disciples.  The week prior to His death at Calvary, He instructed the disciples to love each other as He loved them (see John 13:34-35).

Jesus' love separated acceptance from behavior.  At times He reached out to people in love and concern, and they responded by loving Him in return.  At other times they turned and walked away, rejecting His love.  But His love for them was not diminished by their rejection or personal failure.

You do have limitations as a human trainer: you cannot make people follow your advice, no matter how right you may be.  But you can continue to love your trainee the way Jesus loved those He ministered to.

Alcohol Abuse

Insights

While the Bible does not teach abstinence when it comes to the use of alcoholic beverages, it does teach moderation.  Paul instructed Timothy, No longer drink only water, but use a little wine for your stomach's sake and your frequent infirmities" (1 Tim. 5:23).  The wine of the first century was a beverage with approximately one -third of the alcoholic content of Wine today.  It also was used as an antiseptic and a medicine.  In the story of the good Samaritan (see Luke 10:30-37), the Samaritan poured oil and wine into the wounds of the injured man.

Drunkenness or alcoholic dependency is clearly forbidden by Scripture.  Romans 13:13 says, "Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness... "Drunkenness" is also singled out as one of the manifestations of the flesh in Galatians 5:21.

key Scriptures

Ephesians 5:18 instructs: "Do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; be be filled with the Spirit," and Romans 14:21 says, "It is good neither to eat meat nor drink wine nor do anything by which your brother stumbles or is offended or is made weak."

Most of the people who struggle with alcoholism are generally aware that the Bible condemns their problem; they just don't know what to do about it.

Until an individual accepts the fact he or she has a problem with alcohol, you won't be effective as a trainer-leader.  At Alcoholics Anonymous individuals begin their testimony with the words, "I am an alcoholic."  Recognizing the problem opens the door for solutions.  Often your contribution may be to support the alcoholic as he or she begins treatment in a dependency center or in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Motivation in overcoming any dependency has to be stronger than the force of the problem.  For a child of God, an understanding that his or her body is the temple of the Holy Spirit is the agent of behavioral change, and that the individual is responsible and can change.  As you pray with and for your trainee, expect change, and don't be satisfied until change takes place.

Though some individuals are delivered instantaneously from a dependency on alcohol, most individuals need a great deal of support and help over a period of time.  Support from the family and your support as a trainer-leader are vital.  When you don't have the time or the emotional energy to offer this support, it is wise to make a referral to an alcohol abuse support group such as Overcomers Outreach, a church-related group.  The number of these programs is growing rapidly.

Drug Abuse

Insights

In our generation drug abuse has escalated in an unprecedented fashion, making it the number one problem confronting people today.  There is no one set of circumstances which accounts for the use of drugs today.  There is no one set of circumstances which accounts for the use of drugs today.  Probably the greatest factor in drug abuse is peer pressure.  Among young adults cocaine and crack (free-based cocaine, sold in ready-to-smoke form) have become the drugs of choice.  (See Ross Campbell, Your Child and Drugs, published by Scripture Press).

Your job  as a trainer-leader includes the determination as to whether your trainee has been involved in recreational drug abuse (an occasional user) or has developed an actual drug dependency.  An individual who is addicted will stop at nothing to support the craving that his or her body has for drugs, which only underlines the severity of the problem.  Drug dependency goes far beyond cocaine.  A growing number of individuals, including a large number of women, are dependent on amphetamines and weight control medication.  Whether it is cocaine or caffeine (from tea, coffee, or carbonated beverages), a person is addicted when he or she feels physical discomfort ("I get a headache without my coffee") because of its absence.

Scores of individuals who dabble in drugs could have been saved tremendous heartache iif someone - like a trainer - had picked up on their problems early enough and cared enough to confront the person who was experimenting.  When an individual has become addicted and he is physically affected, you will have to refer him to a doctor of drug rehabilitation program where there is supervised help on a 24-basis.

Key Scriptures

First Corinthians 6:19, 20, "Do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own?  For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's."  Five powerful words are motives for change: "You are not your own."  Then to whom do you belong?  To Jesus Christ.

Peter also reminds us of the price of redemption. "Knowing that you were not redeemed with corruptible things, like silver or gold... but with the precious blood of Christ" (1 Pet. 1:18, 19).

Many people struggling with addictions can successfully be helped by a trainer-leader who care enough to ride out the storm.  Several suggestions may be helpful as you work through the training process.

Remember, from a Christian's perspective, dependence on drugs is a matter of choice.  The individual became addicted as the result of choices he or she make.  You are unlikely to counsel with an individual who became  addicted to a substance because someone forced drugs on that person.)  Likewise, freedom from addiction can come through the decision to resist and live a drug-free life.  If drug addiction is harmful (and it is), then it is also sin before God and should be dealt with on that basis.

Complete and absolute dependence upon the Lord is necessary for deliverance.  The person who kicks a drug habit "cold turkey" without help is a rare and strong individual; most need help, and that's where you come into the picture as a trainer-leader.

Help your trainee develop independence from his peer group.  This is probably one of your most important functions.  Slogans such as "Just say no!" are well and good, but when an individual's best friends urge him or her to say "Yes!" slogans are meaningless.

Help restructure the environment by offering the support necessary to change the peer group.  Being involved in a church or support group where people say, "Man, I can relate to your problem.  That's where I was two years ago, but God gave me deliverance and now I'm clean." reverses the process from participation to restraint.

Utilize the power of prayer as you work with a person.

Sexual Addiction

Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary defines the verb "addict" as "to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively."  In relationship to sex this includes obsessive sexual relations, infidelity, and promiscuity.

Obsessive Sexual Relations

In the context of this book I am not talking about the person who wants to have frequent sexual relations in marriage, or the manner in which he or she find sexual fulfillment with his mate.  Neither am I talking about the youngster who has a perfectly normal curiosity about the sexual functions of his body,  I am describing the individual whose sexual appetites have become inflamed to the point of being obsessed with sex just the same as the individual who is addicted to cocaine.

Is such a discussion really necessary in  a course like this?  If this course was created even a decade ago, I would probably have answered, "No!" and eliminated this section: however, in the context of our current environment and life today, it is necessary.

We are living in a sex-addicted culture, so stated Pitirim Sorokin, a Harvard University sociologist who made  those charges in the early 1970's.  Since then, our culture has become so permeated with sex that it oozes from the pores of our national life.  Sexually explicit material which would never be allowed in Communist countries, or even in the United States a few decades ago, is now commonplace on American television and in the theater.

In our day the videocassette recorder/cable television has moved the x-rated movie from the theater to the home.  With today's rating standards, R-rated movies are extremely explicit sexually.  In this environment, millions of people who a few years ago would have strongly objected to the sex-saturation of our culture have gradually tolerated it and even embraced it.

Insights

Constant exposure to sex does one of two things: it creates a blasé indifference, or an obsession to the degree that one's perspective become totally distorted.  Sexual addiction is a perversion of a normal appetite whose fulfillment in marriage has the blessing of God; it becomes a jaded, unsatisfied craving which is wrong.  What normally would have satisfied is no longer sufficient.  Sexual appetites remain unfulfilled.

How does this happen?  In some cases an individual is looking for a missing part of his life:  an authentic, valid relationship with someone.  Looking for intimacy and companionship, the person goes from one relationship to another, driven by a desire which confuses sex with love.  The person suffering from sexual obsession may be the women who was never held and loved by her father (or her husband) and thus confuses sexual expression with loving relationships.  Often it is the male who in his youth did not relate well to women, or to healthy male role-models, and finds a perverse satisfaction in pornography which doesn't talk back or challenge his masculine ego.  Having become addicted to pornography, he gradually turns to unsatisfying, unfulfilling sexual encounters.

Key Scriptures

First Corinthians 3:16, 17.  "Do you not know that you are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?  If anyone defiles the temple of God.  God will destroy him.  For the temple of God is holy, which temple you are."  Second Peter 1:3, 4, "His divine power has given to us... great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust."

How do you help a person overcome this obsession?

Begin by finding out what's being fed into the mind of the person with this problem.  As the person you are training to tell you the names and ratings of the last five movies he has seen.  Ask how long pornography has played a prominent part in his or her sexual life.

Help a person to see that sexual expression is no substitute for meaningful relationships (more about this in the section under promiscuity).

In helping your trainee see himself as God sees him, you will have to label this problem sin and deal with it on that basis.  Scripture says, "He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy" (Prov. 28:13).

Replace negative sexual input with the powerful cleansing of the Word.  In 2 Peter 1:4 (quoted above), Peter talks about escaping the corruption and lust of the world through the great promises of God's Word" (Ps. 119:9).  Quoting and memorizing Scripture reprograms many of  the sensual and lustful images which have affected a person's mind and thinking.

Insist on accountability as you work with your friend over a period of time.  This includes honesty, openness and willingness to change.

Promiscuity.

For every married couple today, there is one single adult.  Many of them fall into the ranks of the formerly married, individuals who at one time carried on normal sexual relations with a long-term partner but because of death or divorce find themselves single again.  For the formerly married, sex was a very ordinary part of their relationship.  It represented intimacy, the expression of love, and the emotional and physical release which accompanies orgasm.

For the formerly married, being sexually pure is often not without a struggle.  Loneliness and isolation often create situations which cause a person to set aside biblical values for the warmth of another human body.  Casual sex has become relatively common for singles who nonetheless consider themselves to be "born again."

In her book Being a Woman, Dr. Toni Grant, a popular talk-show psychologist, says:

"Many contemporary women with whom I speak have lots of ideas about sexuality and relationships but no standards by which they live and share their bodies.  I am constantly getting calls from women who don't know how to say no, who don't even have the language for setting standards of any sort, who are desperately afraid that if they do say no, they will loose the men in their lives."

Casual sex is sex without commitment, and apart from marriage there is no lasting commitment.  Today scores of men and women seeking satisfaction confuse sexual experience and commitment.  In relationships outside of the commitment of marriage, the woman is the greater loser.  To her, sex without marriage is not merely a physical response but an emotional commitment which may not be reciprocated.  As Dr. Grant put it, "Any way you slice it, the woman is an uncommitted sexual relationship is between a rock and a hard place... uncommitted sex has not worked very well for women."

Insights

What God expects of singles, he expects of married couples - sexual purity, which means abstinence before marriage and commitment to one individual, your mate, in marriage.  While casual sex may be the norm and even have a measure of acceptance in our culture, it is wrong in the sight of God.

key Scriptures

First Thessalonians 4:3-5: "For this is the will of God... that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel (his body) in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God."  In this matter, there is no ambiguity and no hedging.

Writing to Timothy, Paul instructed the widowed young women to marry again and assume the responsibilities of a wife and mother, thereby avoiding sexual temptation (see 1 Tim. 5:11-16).  Another passage which gives a powerful motive for sexual purity is Romans 12:1, 2.  In this Paul admonished believers to present their bodies as "a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service.  And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."  Phillip paraphrases the words "do not be conformed to this world" as "Don't let  the world force you into its mold."

Of course, promiscuity is not solely the struggle of the formerly married.  Sexual temptations confront the teenager and the young adult eager for acceptance.  Recent studies indicate that at least 60 percent of teenage girls participate in their first experience because of peer pressure.

The sexually promiscuous person, going from partner to partner, is an insecure individual desperately seeking love and acceptance among partners whose commitment lasts only for a night.  Such an individual has emotional needs which can be met only in the context of marriage.

Infidelity in Marriage

Insights

Unfaithfulness in marriage usually ends in divorce, but it doesn't have to.  Although mentioned in Scripture as valid grounds for divorce (see matt. 5:31,32; 19:4-9), unfaithfulness can be forgiven.  Restoration and healing can take place.  That's your goal as a trainer-leader.

When a Christian marriage is affected by an affair, both husband and wife feel guilty.  The offending party feels guilty, realizing he or she has sinned before God and broken the promise made at the marriage altar.  The offended party also has a sense of guilt because she (or he) thinks, "If only I had met his (or her) needs, if only I had kept myself as beautiful as the other woman (as handsome as the other man), my husband (wife) would not have strayed!"

In dealing with the issue, try to determine if the offended party contributed to the failure of a mate by not meeting the needs of the one who strayed.  This does not remove the responsibility from the unfaithful spouse but helps the offended partner accept responsibility for his or her part in the marriage breakdown.

At times, though, the failure of one person to meet the needs of  the other is not the issue at all.  Ask a group of people, "How many does it take for a marriage to fail?"  and the majority of people will respond, "Two!"  But the fact is that when only one person in a marriage says"i don't want to be married to you any more; I want my freedom," a marriage is finished.

A husband or wife may deeply love his or her mate, but when confronted with sexual opportunity the individual gives in to temptation.  Afterward the person deeply regrets what took place.  This situation offers the greatest opportunity for forgiveness and healing.

In another lesson we dealt with the issue of forgiveness.  This never comes easy, especially when the deepest of all relationships is violated, but healing can take place.  Just as a broken bone can heal stronger than before the accident took place. a restored marriage can make a relationship deeper and more treasured because of the crisis which has been weathered.

Homosexuality

insights

The traditional Judeo-Christian position is that homosexuality, among other practices, is condemned by God.  Paul included this lifestyle in cataloguing the former failure of the Corinthians in 1 Corinthians 6:10 and 11.

key Scriptures

The old Testament clearly condemned the practice.  Leviticus 18:22 says, "You shall not lie with a male as with a woman.  It is an abomination."  (Also see Lev. 20;13.)  The New Testament continues the prohibition.  First Corinthians 6:11, "And such were some of you.  But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God."  In Romans 1 Paul spoke of those who received the revelation of God and rejected it.

"For this reason God gave them up to vile passions.  For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature.  likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due" (Romans 1;26, 27).

In training with individuals who have practiced homosexuality, the important thing to remember is that sexual preference is a choice which we make as an act of the will, not a genetic predilection which a person cannot control.  At this writing there is absolutely no scientific evidence or support for the gay position that an individual has been "trapped" by his genetic code which would relieve him or her of responsibility in the sight of God.

For God to condemn an individual for a practice which he or she could not help would be unjust.  The fact is that homosexuality is one of the many practices which can be forgiven by God, and with His forgiveness comes His enabling power to change - something which the church is often strangely silent in proclaiming.

Be cautious in labeling individuals.  One or two encounters of a homosexual nature no more make an individual a homosexual than one or two drinks make an individual an alcoholic.  Consistent homosexual practice, however, does result in that person being a homosexual.

my experience has been that individuals who come for training with this problem fall into two categories: those who want acceptance in this lifestyle and those who realize their lives are displeasing to God and want to change.  For this second group there is every reason to believe that the Holy Spirit will bring deliverance.  While it is difficult to reorient sexual preferences, it is not impossible any more than it is for an individual who has been delivered from alcoholism to resist when he encounters alcohol.

In training with homosexuals, remember that God loves the individual.  it is the sin which God condemns.  All too often we condemn the person along with his sin.  Strive to let your trainee know that you love and accept him or her as a human being.

Compulsive Eating Disorders

our English word bulimia is a transliteration of the Greek word which means "great hunger."  It is an eating disorder involving gorging on food, followed by self induced vomiting or purging.  It's opposite is anorexia, self-induced starvation.  Both are serious disorders.  The possibility of your helping as a trainer is dependent on your following the guidelines which are in the beginning of this lesson.  As with other addictions your greatest contribution may be to help your trainee recognize the seriousness of the problem and then guide and support the individual in receiving professional help.

Insights

When emotional needs are met we act in a responsible manner, but when needs are not met a spectrum of irresponsible activities follow, which may include eating disorders.  One of the most difficult things for someone struggling with this issue is to admit there is a problem.  Usually these individuals try to hide the problem, not wanting family or friends to know what is happening.

key Scriptures

Romans 12:1, 2 reminds us that our bodies are to be "a living sacrifice holy acceptable to God."  First Corinthians 3:16, 17 says our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit and that the Spirit of God literally indwells our bodies giving us a motive for health.

Eating disorders can be serious addictive problems, equally as dangerous as drug and alcohol addiction, and cannot be treated lightly.  While you  may feel the problem is more serious than you can handle, you may be the link between disaster and life through your friendship, warmth, compassion, and training.  You do make a difference.

Homework

1.  We are going to do some more brainstorming.  Remember, the key to brainstorming is that you just throw out ideas as fast as you can, without bothering about whether the ideas are good or bad.  In fact, discussing or criticizing of ideas is not allowed during the brainstorming session itself.  Enter down every idea you come up with.  We will discuss them later.

Okay, come up with a list of every adjective you can think of to describe the type of training usually given by someone who is doing it out of obligation, someone who is doing something because he or she thinks they have to, not because he or she wants to.  Take five minutes and see how many adjectives you can come up with.  Go ahead.

Now, brainstorm another list, make a list of adjectives describing the type of training you would expect to find from someone who is doing it out of his or her own desire.  See how many adjectives you can list in five minutes."

Take a look at the two lists.  Compare them, then decide the most important things you learned from this exercise.  Take another five minutes.