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Funny Wrestling Quotes



"Hey Bischoff, you get a couple frequent flier miles for that last ride there?"--Kevin Nash

"I have a bigger ballroom than this in my mansion. And everybody knows that Hunter Hearst Helmsley has the biggest his ballroom."--Hunter Hearst Helmsley

"[Sunny] didn't make a fool out of Phineas--God beat her to that."--Jerry Lawler

"Thank you very little, you're welcome even less!"--Jim Cornette

"I might decide to rifle off some choice words and let the FCC O.J. your ass right off the air!"--Brian Pillman to Todd Pettingill on Superstars

"I'm out in the ring, Shawn Michaels turns to me and says, 'Hey, I got a couple of vertebrae out. Would you mind puttin 'em in with that chair?' He turns his back, I whack him and all of a sudden I'm a bad guy."--Kevin Nash

"I'm a member of the Kliq--isn't everybody?"--Kevin Nash

"Basically you guys have just put a sharp object in Jack the Ripper's hand"--Kevin Nash, when Jim Ross told him he could say anything and it would be on live T.V

"I think everybody that Diesel is the baddest mother....TRUCKER--can I say that--in the business."--Kevin Nash

"Heartbreak Kid is gonna kick is Maybe, just maybe Shawn Michaels The 7 foot ass tonight in Omaha, Did anybody in Nebraska think of that? 'Cause I know I did!"--Shawn Michaels

"Did your parents build knows you a swing facing a wall when you were a kid?"--Roddy Piper

"You keep your mouth shut, kid. I'm the world champion, O.K."--Ric Flair

"[Bischoff's] wrestling credentials are about as real as his hair, teeth, and talent!"--Jim Cornette

"Is that Paul Bearer's face or did his butt grow a nose?"--Jerry Lawler

"[Sunny]'s been makin' eyes and makin' passes at Owen Hart, and he's MINE!!! I mean, he's under contract to me!"--Jim Cornette

"I once again would like to give this award to somebody who's taught me everything I know, and has had me down on the mat more times than I could possibly remember--no Sunny, not you, sit down!"--Shawn Michaels

"Hogan, since you took it upon yourself to walk out here and proclaim yourself the 'Immortal One'' let me explain something about being a bad guy!"--Ric Flair

"You don't have to yell at me, Schiavone. I'm not blind!"--Bobby Heenan"Easy with the headbangin', McMahon. You might throw that rug off!"--Shawn Michaels

"He's got more chins than a Chinese phone book!"--Mr. Perfect on Paul Bearer

"Somebody gimme my sunglasses, 'cause boy his ass is bright!"--Dan Cortese on Jeff Jarrett

"Lex Luger--you my friend, are not as dumb as you look--then again, nobody could be!"--Shawn Michaels
" Who is it--Deep Throat, or does Sunny have anything to do with it?"--Jim Cornette, on Jim Ross's "sources"

"Excuse me, which one are you? Are you Beavis or Butthead?"--Chris Jericho to Well Dunn

"Isn't it painfully obvious?"--Shawn Michaels, on why he needs a bodyguard

"They send one of yours to the hospital, you send one of theirs to the morgue."--Arn Anderson

"Looks like Goldust's gonna give his girlfriend artificial insem--I mean, respiration!"--Jerry Lawler

"Easy now, McMannequin, this is a family show--I can't say that on television, come on!"--Shawn Michaels, when asked what the got for Christmas

"Personally, we think it sucks."--Sunny, referring to WCW Monday Nitro

"Alright, everybody to my trailer for pot pies and Mountain Dew!"--Kevin Nash

"When the bell tolls, it tolls for thee--although Ric Flair is the only man alive who can unring a bell."--Eddie Ellner

"As a baby, Bret Hart was so ugly that they had to put tinted windows on his incubator!"--Jerry Lawler

"Helen, it's not your fault--anybody can have a bad Stu and night."--Todd, referring to Owen Hart

"I'd hate to end your career tonight--well, not really."--Al Snow to the Rock & Roll Express

"Brian, can we say the word 'slut' on television? Well that's what she is!"--Tammy Fytch, referring to Kim Anthony

"You know, Alundra Blayze, with her looks could star in a T.V. western--if she had two more legs!"--Jerry Lawler

"Let's get one thing straight--you are what you are, me, I'm a lesbian."--Roddy Piper to Goldust

"Boy, in this cold Calgary weather, you can see your breath. But I understand that the Hart family can see their breath year round."--Shawn Michaels

"I may be old and slow and bald, but old is old, and I'm only as old as I feel--and I feel pretty old and bald."--'The Nacho Man'

"Women are going crazy--look what happened to Savage at Uncensored--a half-crazed woman came out of the stands and beat him up!"--Ric Flair

"The World Wrestling Federation reeks of jealousy for The Heartbreak Kid."--Shawn Michaels

"Listen brother--the only reason they wear your crap is because they hand it out for free, brother. And those poor suckers are promised they'd be on T.V. if they wear it, brother. And that's the truth, brother!"--'The Nacho Man' to the 'Huckster'

"At least his tuxedo matches his face--they're both ugly!"--Jerry Lawler, referring to Bret Hart

"He looks like the Cowardly Lion, but when he faces The Heartbreak Kid, I'm gonna send him back to Oz!"--Shawn Michaels, referring to Kevin Nash

"What, you can't get enough guys off the dialysis machine to get a team?"--Kevin Nash

"I've been up against bigger men than you are woman. And you want a piece of me, little girl? Well, you're gonna get it!"--Sensational Sherri to Luna Vachon

"Be thankful Harvey Wippleman wasn't wearing his Well Dunn T-backs tonight, folks!"--Shawn Michaels, during the Tuxedo Match

"He's beating him with a Slim Jim!"--That HH Guy, when Kevin Nash was beating Randy Savage with that 'beefy, juicy taste'

"I'd say he's the shits as an actor."--Shawn Michaels, referring to that HH guy on a radio showbeating Randy Savage with that 'beefy, juicy taste'

To The Undertaker:

"I couldn't warm up to you if we were cremated together."

To The Undertaker:

"This is the first time I ever interviewed an oil painting."

When asked about Vince McMahon's toupee on AOL:

"Yes he does, and a cheap one at that. The hair is falling out and I asked him yesterday, 'How does it feel to be losing hair that isn't even yours?'"


  "He (Isaac Yankem) has volunteered, free of charge, to fit Helen Hart with a modern set of dentures, so she can get rid of the wooden ones that were given to her by Christopher Columbus."

Referring to Bull Nakano:

"She's got so much mousse in her hair, she's liable to sprout antlers."

Referring to Alundra Blayze:

"I've heard of faces that could stop a clock. That face could stop Switzerland."

Referring to Shawn Michaels:

"He's so scenic, they're thinking about making him a national park."

Referring to Ted DiBiase:

"This guy has bookcases just for his bankbooks."

Referring to Mike Tyson's return:

"With that Tyson fight, the only thing that got wrapped in a cocoon of horror was my cable bill."

Referring to Jerry Garcia's passing:

"First person he saw was Elvis Presley. And he said, 'Hey Elvis, guess who you daughter married'."

 Davey Boy Smith: He'd (Luger) go out and find the best partner he could ever find in the World Wrestling Federation.

Jerry Lawler: Yeah, but I'm not available.

"I've never liked people that dress up in silly costumes."

"I've got more degrees than a thermometer."

"You've heard of buns of steel. I think Bertha Faye has got buns of cinnamon."

"I asked Harvey what he would do if he came home one time and found another man in the trailer with Bertha. He said he'd hit him over the head with his white cane and throw him and his dog out."

Referring to Bertha Faye:

"I thought if you knocked her down, she'd rock herself to sleep trying to get up."

"I heard Stu, Bret's father, goes to the dentist twice a year. Once for each tooth."

Referring to Razor Ramon:

"I'll bet every time he gets in his car, the oil light comes on."

To Vince McMahon:

"I didn't know Fruit Of The Loom made sports coats."

"If brains were sunshine, Razor would be a snowstorm."

To Vince McMahon:

I knew Lee made press-on nails. I didn't know they made press-on hair."

To Shawn Michaels:

"Being a 3-time Intercontinental champion doesn't make you a great wrestler, just like Larry King having 9 wives don't make him a great husband."

  Referring to Henry Godwinn:

He needs a sign in his mouth that says 'Next Tooth One Mile'." 

"I used to love to go to school and drink from the fountain of knowledge. You (McMahon) and Ross, you probably just gargled it."

  "I heard Razor Ramon went to a pretty tough high school. His school newspaper had an obituary column."

To Jim Ross:

"I heard you were in school so long, the other kids started bringing you apples."

Referring to Stu and Helen Hart:

"They never miss any big fights. They still got their ticket stubs from the Christians Vs Goliath."

Referring to Marty Jannetty:

"The only thing harder than his muscles are his arteries."

Referring to Bill Clinton:

"The closest thing to a foreign policy he's ever come was he once ate at an International House Of Pancakes."

To Ahmed Johnson:

"He (Dean Douglas) says that when you graduated from kindergarten, you were so excited that you could hardly shave without cutting yourself."

  Referring to Kyoko Inoue:

"She's the one that got the Beetles back together, right?"

Referring to Aja Kong:

"I used to think there was nothing uglier than a bowling shoe."

"Razor and Savio learned everything they know about football at Penn. State. Excuse me, I meant state pen."

"If you get odor-eaters for Christmas, you might be from Bitters, Arkansas."

"If your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it, you might be from Bitters, Arkansas."

"If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night requires shoes and a flashlight, you might be from Bitters, Arkansas."

"If your two-year old has more teeth than you do, you might be from Bitters, Arkansas."

"I saw so many bowl games last week, McMahon, that at dinner somebody passed me the turkey and I spiked it."

"What about the number one movie that's out in the nation right now, starring Stu and Helen Hart's grandchildren. You ever hear about it? It's called '12 Monkeys'."

  To Vince McMahon:

"You know, if you were in the movies, you'd be a character actor. When you show any character, you're acting."

To Ahmed Johnson:

"Dean Douglas told me that the toughest 4 years of your life was the third grade."

"Who cares about Jim Ross, anyway? He'll never run for president. All he'll run for is lunch."

Referring to Frank Sinatra:

"The last time I heard something sounded like him singing, it was my cat being neutered."

"Well, I've heard it said, 'It's not how old you are, it's how young you think'. Stu must really be thinking young, because I heard he's back to wearing diapers again."

  To Vince McMahon:

"The only present I'd give you is a going-away present. But you gotta do your part first."

Referring to the hog pen at In Your House:

"Is that what I've been smelling? I thought your roll-on had rolled off."

Referring to Ahmed Johnson:

"He used to hold his report card over his head trying to raise his grades."

To Ahmed Johnson:

"I heard when you won your letter, you had to get your coach to read it to you."

Referring to the Undertaker:

"The death of the party."

"You know why the kids are so unhappy in Fatu's neighborhood, don't you? Even Santa Claus won't go into that neighborhood after dark."

  Referring to Henry Godwinn:

"This guy's teeth are so dirty, he could drink water and spit Yoo-Hoo."

Lawler: You know, Lex Luger's mom is really smart. And really strong too.

McMahon: Why's that?

Lawler: Well, from raising dumbbells like him.

"I heard that last Christmas when Bret hung up his stocking, all he got was a note from the health department."

Lawler: There was only one thing that kept the Kid out of college.

McMahon: And what was that?

Lawler: High School.

Referring to Stu and Helen Hart:

"I wouldn't believe them if their tongues were notarized."

Referring to Razor Ramon:

"Somebody told me his doctor writes his prescriptions in spray paint."

Referring to Paul Bearer:

"He looks like death warmed a waffle iron."

Referring to the Psychic Hotline:

"I called it the other day and she told me she had seen a big phone bill in my future."

"Bret still thinks 'Ol' Yeller' is a movie about Stu's tooth."

 Referring to Bret Hart:

"I'm not prejudiced like that guy right there. I hate everybody equally."

Referring to the Spanish announcers:

"They've got the perfect faces for radio."

Referring to Steve McMichael:

"Here's a guy who couldn't tell you what a silver dollar is made of."

Referring to Sunny:

"She's as pretty as a picture...and quite a frame too."

Referring to Sunny:

"Good buns and a nice pair too."

Referring to Sunny:

Lawler: She once asked me out, McMahon.

McMahon: She did, huh? Out to where?

Lawler: Well, I was in her room.

"Bob Backlund knows a thing or two about finishing maneuvers. He sure knows how to finish up a career."

"...Bob 'Spark Plugg' Holly, who came in last in his last race because he kept pulling into the pit asking for directions."

"Tonight on the 'King's Court' I am going to talk to Bret 'The Hitman' Hart. You know. The guy with those Jurassic Park parents. Look at Stu Hart, he is so old, I told him at act his age, so he dropped dead. And Helen Hart, she was just born old. When she was a teenager her acne had liver spots."

Asking Bret Hart about the 1993 King Of The Ring when Lawler attacked Bret:

"Do you remember that or do you have so much oil on your head that it slipped your mind."

(TL Hopper is on his way to the ring)

  Lawler: What is that terrible smell?

McMahon: It's probably Betsy.

Lawler: Who?

McMahon: Betsy, TL Hoppers plunger.

Lawler: Oh, I thought that Betsy was the lady sitting behind us.

"Isaac Yankem is so tough, he could floss him teeth with barb wire."

"Is that Paul Bearer's face, or did his butt grow a nose."

"Paul Barer has got more chins than a Chinese phone book."

"Stu Hart is so old, when he was in school, history was never taught."

"C'mom McMahon. If someone kept telling how awesome, fast, and how good your are, your head would get so big that your toupee would not be able to fit on it."

(Mankind sometimes yanks his hair out and holds it up)

"Look McMahon, there is some extra hair for your toupee."

"Mankind may yank his hair out, but if he is not careful around you McMahon, he may pull yours off."

"Barry Horowitz beating Goldust is like O.J. Simpson hosting a banquet for spousal abuse."

"I hear that Goldust is coming down hear to do commentary. When he comes down hear to play with your toupee, he will notice something special about yours. It has imitation dandruff."

"Yokozuna is nothing but an ingrate. If it was not for Jim Cornette, Yokozuna would still be on a beach selling shade."

"Once Queasy gets done with Dink, Dink is going back to the only job he was ever good at, and that is being a desk clerk at a roach motel."

(A picture of a warthog was shown during a flashback of a WWF tour to South Africa)

"Hey Ross, I see that you brought your wife."

(King's Court: Jim "the Anvil" Neidhart challenges the "British BullDog" Davey Boy Smith to a match)

  "So Bulldog, do you accept his challenge, or is your breath worse than bite."

(King' Court: Lawler walks into the crowd)

"Let me tell you what I am doing Savage, I am going to talk to a dating couple. Something you nothing about. All your dates are the same, inflatable....In fact, the computer dating service called me up and told me that they found the perfect date for, but the zoo would not let her out."

(In the same King's Court: Lawler ask a girl if she will marry her boyfriend)

  "Why don't you marry him, he seems like a nice guy? Look at his ex-girlfriend, she has been around more than a carousal."


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