"you know if i leave you now / it doesn't mean that I love you any less / it's just the state i'm in / i can't be good to anyone else like this..." from wait by sarah mclachlan

07.17.2006
((monday))
i will never be. the end.

i always hoped that i'd end this journal with the song fumbling towards ecstasy. i had actually hoped that one day i'd be able to listen to this song and actually feel like the lyrics were about me. that i didn't have any more fear and that i would just eventually be comfortable with myself.

i believe that this moment that i can't see that happening for me. i thought i did. a little over a year ago i thought that i had finally started to get a handle on things. that i had figuring things out. but even that seems like so long ago. like a distant memory that i don't even think was mine anymore.

so on this, the second day of my twenty-sixth year, i'm ending this chronical of my life. i believe that it served it purpose for a little bit and that i, like i always do, stayed at the party a little too long.

i honestly don't know what it is about me that will never leave me satisfied. i will never be enough. not for my mom. not for my family. not for my friends. not for anyone. and not for myself. where i will always feel as though i'm always sad or upset or disappointed, others will always feel as though i'm doing it to gain sympathy. and i guess i've never given them any other reason to not believe that. i don't know. maybe i was. maybe i am. maybe it's always been wrong of me to come to others to aliviate my feelings of inadequacy. of lonliness. of all of it.

i know now that as long as i continue to have so little faith in myself, that i will always be swayed by any single piece of criticism. constructive or otherwise. i will continue to think i'm crazy anyone doubts me. i will continue to be a wreck until the day comes that i get so sick of always feeling this way that i honestly and once and for all refuse to backslide. refuse to let it affect me.

no, this isn't the ending that i had envisioned. i don't even know that i envisioned an ending. but i know that this is the way it has to be. it's the way it is.

"when all we wanted was the dream / to have and to hold that precious little thing / like every generation yields / the new born hope unjaded by their years..."

fin.


today's playlist:
1 sarah mclachlan - fumbling towards ecstasy


last entry::07.05.2006