The next day was everything back to normal again. You were drunk and refused to answer my questions.
I sat alone at a table as usual. I preferred it that way. Drinking something, I can’t remember what, as long as it’s alcohol in it I don’t care. It made me forget, made me stop think that much. Someone approached from the daze around me.
- Hi, he said.
- Hi, I mumbled.
Please go away, I want to be alone. I don’t need him to destroy my life. But please stay. Talk to me, tell me that I exist. He gave me one of his most beautiful smiles.
- Feeling better today?
I nodded. He reached out his hand and touched my hear. His fingers were soft.
- I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for what I did. I didn’t know…
For the first time for I don’t know how long could I get a nights sleep. Even though you were out somewhere probably drinking I didn’t wake up every other hour just to see if you were home yet.
You didn’t come home until that morning. When the rest of us where trying to wake up did you come in. It wasn’t unusual that you came at this hour, but it was something different anyway. The way you walked, you weren’t as drunk as usual, and you had a slight smile at your lips.
I sat outside the bus dreaming in the light from the sun. Everything was harmonic, the light wasn’t too light and the shadows wasn’t too dark. There was a little sound of movement beside me. I didn’t have to open my eyes to know that it was you.
- Hi, you said.
- Hi, I mumbled, still with my face turned to the sun.
- I want to talk to you.
- I wanted to talk to you too, but you never want to answer.
- Oh, please Joel! Don’t be angry!
I opened my eyes and looked at you. You looked a bit scared and I could easily tell that you were almost sober. It made me happy.
- I’m not angry. You know you can always talk to me, tiny brother.
I knew that you hated when I pointed out that you were shorter than me.
- What was it you wanted to talk about?
- I guess I…you stared away in the distance, I…should apologise for everything…
- You have nothing to apologise for, if you just tell me what’s going on.
- I’m coming to that part now…
- Oh…
You got quiet. For a while we just sat there, you staring at the sun and me looking at you.
This is so hard, can’t you help me? Do you know how much courage I had to collect to even come to you and talk now?
- You have met Tony before, right? I asked, trying to make you talk.
- Mmm, I have… you got quiet again.
- And? You’re in love, but he is not? Or the other way round?
- I don’t know! I don’t know anything!
- Yes you do. What happened?
- He…fuck!
This is so hard Joel, can’t you see how messed up I am? I don’t know what he wants.
It was two days before you introduced me to them. I saw him at one of their concerts and recognised him later at the pub. He’s face was stuck in my mind.
I suppose that you know what it’s like, but I never felt that way before. When he came to talk to me it was like an angel had landed in front of me. But it was probably the alcohol that made him shine.
He seemed to like me too, a bit too much. And yeah…we ended up in his bed…
You sat with you head in your hands, not willing to look up at me. It was as if you tried to disappear.
- What happened?
- He…used me, it was hard for you to get the words out, he played with me all the time. You turned you head to face me. You looked so miserable. I moved closer and putted my arms around you. You rested your head at my shoulder.
- But he seems to care now, doesn’t he?
- I don’t know. I fucking don’t know Joel! Maybe he’s just playing with me again? You know, you rubbed you nose into my neck, he went back to a girl he met the night before, right after. Totally ignoring me. It was just one night, so I probably shouldn’t care, but I do!
You moved out of my grip.
It’s not the physical things we did that hurts, it’s everything he said after. It’s the psychical things that hurts…and to know that he may do it again. He’s maybe doing it right now…
- Do you know what? When you wanted me to talk to them, I thought that you and him was in some kind of constipation against me. You tried to smile.
- Come on, Benj! I hold my arms out to hug you again, and you accepted it. You know I never would do that to you!
- I know. But I guess I was too down and too drunken, you mumbled into my neck.
We sat like that for a moment or two, just holding each other. The sun was still shining, making the world comfortably warm.
- So, why did you go back to him?
- Actually, I never did, you smiled, I was too drunk to do anything by myself, so he bought me back, even though I didn’t want to.
- I’m sorry, I said suddenly ashamed, I guess that was my fault….
- Don’t be. I should have listened to you instead. We were still sitting in the hug, talking into each other’s shoulders.
- What’s going on here?
We automatically pulled out of our hug.
- Are we gonna get some twin loving? Just wait a minute so I can get a good seat.
- Shut up, Tony! we said at the same time.
How did he always manage to show up when we didn’t want him around, I wondered to myself.
- I was just wondering what’s going on, he said smiling at us.
- We’re having a serious talk, I said.
- I could tell, he said sarcastically.
He sat down beside you, letting his hand accidentally touch you leg at it’s way down. You took a breath like you were going to say something to me, but changed your mind and turned to Tony instead.
- Can you please come back later, we weren’t finished yet.
- Ok, ok, I won’t interrupt in the twin sex, he laughed at himself, see you later then.
- What’s this now? I gave you a questioning look.
- I wasn’t finished, as I told him.
- Let me guess, he came back to you. Begged on his bear knees for forgiveness and now you’re happily married? You laughed at my silly joke.
- Not really, but we talked. I’m not sure what he wants yet, but he said his feelings for me changed that night you thrown me out. But I’m still not sure if he’s playing another game with me or not. But he was so cute that I couldn’t say no…
You blushed.
- Aww, Benji! I just smiled.
- But what happened to that girl? I said after a moment of silence.
- He said that she was just a one night stand, but I thought I was too...well, we’ll see. You sighted.
- That’s something I can say anyway, you mean a lot more than a one night stand to him!
He softly touched my lips in a gentle kiss. His arms were around my neck and as the kiss grew harder he played with my hair. Making me wanna giggle and moan.
I knew that people around us were watching, but none of us did care. Right now was he the only thing that existed for me. The rest of the world was just a blur.
I love the feeling of his hands at my skin, the feeling of his lips against mine. This was the best thing ever, it was better than any drug.
- You wouldn’t have believed that a few days ago, Billy said pointing with his head in your direction.
- No, I said looking in the same way as he pointed.
We where backstage, waiting for our performance to begin. You and Tony sat under a tree kissing like nothing else existed. People that walked pass you gave you funny looks, probably not too used to see two guys making out in public. I have to admit that I felt a bit weird about it myself. Mostly because I never seen you with a guy before.
You never had to tell me that you liked boys too, it was obvious too me. But you never had fallen for a guy before that liked you back. I think that you still were unsure at that side of you until you met him. I was sure long before you were. Not that you were ashamed of it, you just wasn’t sure.
Our piercings met each other with a metallic click as we kissed. It made us giggle. He pulled away from me, stopping so he could see me. Still smiling he collapsed in my arms, resting his head at my chest. I wrapped my arms around him, holding him like a baby.
This is too good to be true.
I thought that this should wake you up, and in some way it did. It helped you to drag yourself up from your depression. But it made you disappear into another dream world. The only exiting thing in your mind was he.
It could take days when the only time we saw you were at the shows. I could never decide what was the best, this or the way you had been before.
Paul and I were sitting in the bus playing cards as you came in.
- What’s up, you said as you took a seat with us.
- Mom called today, I announced, she was a bit disappointed that you weren’t here to talk to her too.
- I can call her back later. How was she? How’s everything going at home?
- She’s all right. Josh just got a new job since he got fired from the last one. They are all
coming to se us when the tour comes there.
You smiled, it seemed like ages since we last had seen our family.
- She said she’s exited to meet Tony too.
- Did toy tell her about Tony? Your face expression suddenly changed to something close to fear.
- Yeah, why shouldn’t I?
- Fuck…
Both Paul and me gave you questioning looks.
- Fuck you Joel! She will kill me if she finds out that I’m gay!
- No, she won’t, and besides, she already knew. Don’t you remember that you told her?
- No! you looked confused, staring at nothing and everything at the same time.
- Benji calm down!
- What he hell have you taken now!? Paul shocked your shoulders.
Everything is spinning. Can’t you see how everything is spinning Joel? Joely, Joely, the world is playing with us. And soon it’s spinning so fast that we all will fly out in the big black space…filled with small white pills, Joely, Joely, Joe…
- Fuck you Benji! If mom will kill you for anything, it’s for this!
Joely, Joely, Joe, the world is dancing with us, Joely.
- My head hurts, you whined.
- Not surprising, you take too much shit, Paul sighted.
- What the hell had you done, you scared the shit out of us! I added.
- Nick gave me some pills. You should try them, it’s amazing!
- No way!
- What he said.
- I have to get something to drink, you mumbled to yourself as you tried to get yourself out of the bed we putted you in.
- You stay here! I put out my hand to stop you.
- Where is Tony? you continued to whine.
- How can we know?
Are you scared, Benji? Scared of the life that you might see if you wake up from your addictive daze?
Joel, help me! I can’t stop, even if I want to! Something is wrong.
When I wake up in the morning, with my body pressed against his in the small bed, the first thing I do it to get up and grab myself another beer. It’s first after that I can go back to watch him wake up and just lay there beside him following his tattoos with my finger. Until he open his eyes and give me a tired but beautiful smile.
- Already wake, dear? he said still smiling.
- Yeah, I nodded smiling back. Just too se you wake up.
- What the hell, Benji! his smile faded. You’re already drunk?
He never has to grab himself a drink in the morning, just if he wants to. But he shouldn’t complain, he drinks almost as much as I do. It’s just, that…he doesn’t drink in the morning.
I always told myself that I could stop this drinking, whenever I want to. Now I want to. So he won’t be pissed. But every time I think about getting sober, something starts to ache, and I don’t dare to let that ache be real…
