Sure the police had told him what caused the accident; the doctors had explained the extent of his injuries and the painstaking long time to get back to where he once was; his wife especially had assured him that everything was going to be all right, that the confusion was normal for something he had gone through. But one thing remained the same.
Nothing helped. He was still lost.
It had been heart warming to be reunited with his brothers. The nurses who took care of him said that they had all woken up from being in coma at approximately the same time. “It was nothing short of a miracle Kevin”, one of them had said. There were the usual worries for each other and for a month in the hospital, they seemed to pick up where they left off before all the bad things happened. Before AJ decided to go for self-destruction. Before Nick lost control of his youth and fame. Before Brian thought that he was always right. Before Howie lost sight of the real purpose of being in the industry. Before Kevin thought he was too old to be a Backstreet Boy.
It was like back in the early days, where Brian and Nick couldn’t let go of each other. Where AJ was trying his best to look hard and cool. Where everything that came out of Howie’s mouth would make every nurse working on that floor melt. Where Kevin was still a young man who found immense thrills just making sure that they stay with the course and had fun while at it. There were no hints of the bitterness that had mauled them alive and almost cost their lives. There were no hints of the drive to nowhere.
So when they finally parted ways with promises to take care of themselves and to keep in touch, it was puzzling that he had ended up not hearing anything from any of them. The record company had chosen to handle the media themselves and Kevin couldn't be bothered about it. He wasn’t worried about the fans or about their responsibilities as Backstreet Boys. Something else was bothering him. It was taking too much space in his heart and his mind that sometimes, he would wake up wondering if he had totally lost it.
A part of him was disappointed; disappointed that all those wonderful things that had happened with them was a huge dream. There was a point in his life where he really believed it happened. But the sensible part of him was arguing the notion. How could you say you were in a twilight zone? That’s just absurd! You were in a coma for God’s sake, nothing more.
Another part of him however, was relieved; relieved that his secret was still safe with him. No one has to know about Lenny and the baby, it was his and Kristin’s secret to keep, although it had felt really good when he had told them the truth in the dream. It gave him a sense of inner peace, something he didn’t have now. Relief also came in the form of knowing that Brian and Leighanne never did have a miscarriage and Nick wasn’t really sick. Howie wasn’t as distraught as he had been in the dreams and AJ wasn’t as lost.
But he almost lost them all.
It was getting too confusing. Sometimes he felt glad that they were all right. Other times he felt unjust. Why must he have woken up from the dream knowing that everything else was unreal while his secret was still the truth? Why had Lenny and the baby be a part of something real? Why couldn’t that be a nightmare too? And when he thought nothing could go worse, it did.
Who the hell is Vinhorian Alni? Why had a character he dreamt about now following him like a shadow, as if screaming at him that it had all been real. It wasn’t a dream. But it had to be. A dream or the psychiatric ward Kevin.
It’s a dream.
“Honey, dinner’s ready.”
Kristin. The only person left that served as a reminder that he wasn’t crazy. This was his reality, every time he drifted off into space, wishing to find this strange man he knew was a friend, wanting to be back in the twilight zone where it had felt like a never ending adventure, she would be there to pull him back. Save his sanity, or what was left of it.
He pushed the wheelchair he was in, away from the window and headed back to his study table. It was his haven now. The study room that he had not used for quite some time. The abandoned room ever since he was too busy on the road to be in it. Nights and days were spent staring out the little window and into the stretch of lake, hoping to share its peace but often wandered into the thoughts in his head. Thoughts of a life that never existed and a stranger that came to life nowhere beyond his dreams. Yet he still searched for it, wanting to believe that it happened. Wanting to escape reality.
“I’ll have it here.”
“Come join me in the dining room Kevin.”
“Not yet love, I’m not ready.”
He saw her nodding from the corner of his eye and then her slim body walking away from him.
“I’m sorry.” For a lot of things. He wished he could elaborate on them, but there were too much, it was overwhelming. Why even bother?
“Me too.” And she left.
-
It had been nothing but dark for the last two months of his life. He heard voices at first, coming from strangers who were desperately trying to engage in a conversation with him, then the unfamiliar sounds of machines emitting irritating beeps and pumps. When that became clear and he learned he was in the hospital, awoken from a coma, he heard voices of loved ones, comforting and concerned. He acknowledged the pain too; the constant aches and the nausea, but most importantly, he acknowledged the darkness. It had been his friend and his enemy up to that day. For Howie, that fateful day was going to hopefully lift up the confusion and make him see the truth.
“Are you sure I’m not going to end up blind?”
“You will be able to see again Howie, you have my word.”
He suppressed the smile because until he could finally get the light in his visions, he wasn’t going to believe this respectable doctor’s words.
He wished for the guys to be there in that moment of truth. Finally, they were going to take off the bandage that had kept him in darkness for what felt like eternity. He often wondered why none of them had called him. Were they expecting him to make the first move? But he couldn’t see anything, much less dial the numbers.
Four weeks in the hospital was a bittersweet memory for him. The Darkness always pulling him back to a place he knew he didn’t want to be. And times spent making sure that Nick and AJ weren’t left alone had been the best days of his life there. During those times, he was actually glad he couldn’t see. For sure there was nothing good at seeing Kevin rendered in a wheelchair, Brian the way he was and seeing how silly AJ would look like always sounding so disorientated. He couldn’t even begin to imagine Nick. He missed the kid’s voice. They said he was smiling along with them, but he wanted assurance. He wanted to hear him. But being there, together in a room just spending the day away was all he needed to forget the fact that he could have lost his eyesight.
But the biggest disappointment came when he heard none of them talking about the twilight zone or Vinhorian Alni. He was a hundred percent sure that it happened. People might think he had gone crazy but waking up from a coma at pretty much the same time had everyone branding them the miracle brothers. So what’s so strange about a twilight zone? That could happen too right?
But it didn’t. And so they were left back to square one. At least that was how it felt now that he was back home alone. They had lost touch and the Backstreet Boys weren’t a priority anymore. This was their priority now. Living and being where it mattered most.
Home.
“Okay Howie, we’ll do this slowly,” the voice said, breaking into his thoughts again. “Try opening your eyes slowly, don’t force it. If it hurts, just close them again and we’ll try all over again.”
“Okay.”
It didn’t feel as sore as it had been the first time he woke up. Still, he was a man who always played it safe when it came to his health and the food that he ate, and so he opened them slowly, wanting so desperate to get out of the dark. Hopefully when he could see the world again, he would forget about the twilight zone and his desires to find a friend named Vinhorian Alni. He had no such friends. How could he? That was just a dream.
But the first thing he thought about when he saw the first ray of light was the silhouette of the stranger walking towards him. He remembered the soft smile the man had carved on his lips as he introduced himself. It felt so real, surely it couldn’t just be a long dream that came along with coma.
“I see the light.”
“Great. Welcome back Howie, everything’s all right now.”
He smiled because he wasn’t quite sure if it was true. He knew he was crazy, because the moment he saw his house and the smiling faces of his family, the only thing he wanted was to go back to the twilight zone, where the Backstreet Boys had the best adventures of their lives.
-
Sleep never came easy for him ever since. So he had volunteered to look after their son late at night and into the mornings. It was his only solace. The only way to stop him from locking himself in the study room, spending his days and nights away thinking of a world that existed in his head.
Sometimes, when it got very bad, he would talk to Vinhorian.
Take me back, I miss you my friend.
One day, he snapped out of it. He needed to, before he started going crazy and drove his family away. He locked the study room, forbidding himself to ever enter it again. It was his haven and also his hell. In there, he didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t. In there, the impossible existed. Like the twilight zone.
But Baylee was his haven now. He saved him from his own destruction. He needed to keep up with the world. The reality.
He glanced back down to the cast on his arm. They were going to take it off later that day. The bruises on his face were already on their way to heal. He was going to be completely healed; he wished the same could be said about his mental stability.
He asked Leighanne if they really had a miscarriage before Baylee. She said yes. He asked if Kevin and Kristin had ever tried adopting a baby, she said she had no idea. He asked if Nick was dying, she said not to think of such things.
He wanted to call Nick himself but remembered that he had no rights to pretend like he cared. He honestly did care, but Nick wouldn’t buy it even for a second. They were fighting, he had accused him of horrible things and the accident didn’t erase that part away. It didn’t automatically mean that everything was okay between them. What rights did he have?
He didn’t want to deal with them. The Backstreet Boys weren’t the same anymore. The relationships with the guys weren’t the same anymore. Nothing would ever be the same. And Brian was tired. He didn’t want to care. He knew they had to solve it one of these days, but until that day came, he would stop thinking about it. And about their adventure into the other realm, because that wasn’t even true.
Baylee needed a change. That much he knew was real. That much he knew he needed to do.
-
At first it started off as a joke. AJ, your ego’s so big it’s swelling your head man. Jay man, stop looking at those nurses, it’s not just down south swelling, your head’s exploding too. AJ, what the hell are you talking about? Cars don’t go on the sea man, dude, rest that brain.
The last sentence was true though. He didn’t quite remember what they were talking about, just stuff that was cracking everybody up in that room. Well, except for Nick, who had traded everything with a smile. In the middle of the jokes, he said ‘we should bring our cars out to the sea’. That pretty much ended the fit of laughter, and the smile on Nick’s face.
Now that he was back home, alone most of the time, he didn’t see it as a joke anymore. It was difficult. He couldn’t seem to differentiate what was real and what was in his head. He kept seeing Vinhorian, the guy who had visited his head when he was in coma. The guys were there too but they were somewhat different. In his dreams, he wasn’t the only one with a problem. He wasn’t the only imperfect one. Everyone was disfigured in a way or another. But he remembered being happy at the end of the dream. He remembered thinking that finally, he knew the real them. Took ten years, an accident and a coma to get to that point. It would all be worth it if it had been real though. But it wasn’t. Just a stupid dream.
It’s real.
He groaned involuntarily. It must be the swelling head. It kept him second guessing his own thoughts, like a child who couldn’t make up his mind. Vanilla or chocolate ice cream? Decisions...decisions. Tough.
He needed to take a ride.
Without giving himself a chance to back out, he reached for the phone book and started looking for the number he needed to call. It didn’t take long to find, which surprised him a little. Everything took twice as long for him now.
“Hi, I need a cab.”
Carlos, the cab driver, gave him a look when he said he didn’t want to go anywhere in particular. AJ didn’t know how to describe the look, just a look he’d often received when he said something out of the ordinary. It didn’t matter though, he had money, lots of them, and this immediately was agreeable to Carlos.
He couldn’t remember much of the accident, just the sudden jerk of being hit from the back. He had his seat belt on, but that didn’t stop his head from crashing against the window and cracking it open. Both the window and his skull.
They passed by a Burger King and he smiled, reminiscing the silly commercial they had done for them. “Hey Carlos, you hungry?”
Of course the man was hungry, especially when the food is free. They could have opted for a drive through but AJ felt that he needed some stretching up to do. Carlos agreed to wait, with the meter still running. The guy definitely had a huge family to feed back home.
Funny how fans could recognise him in layers of disguise but let him walked free without as much as a cap on his head.
He was so close though, close to entering that Burger King joint when someone attracted his attention. He knew her. In fact, part of him had been searching for her. She held the truth. She was a proof to claim back his sanity.
“Jenn, is that you?” Her hair was still as short, and her green eyes would turn dark whenever she felt threatened. But she had grown now, a young woman. Gone were the shabby dress and the stains on her face, replaced by nice clothes and very light make up.
“Do I know you?”
“Oh...sorry.” He bit his lips. “My mistake.”
She shrugged it off and AJ quickly turned on his toes, cursing himself inwardly. Nice AJ, go ahead; prove everyone that you’re crazy.
“Hey Mister.” AJ turned so fast that he almost lost his balance. “Yeah?”
“Here.” She handed him a flyer. He took it, not as much as gave it a second glance and mouthing a quick thanks, entered the fast food joint. The line was unbelievably long. He picked a random counter and decided he had more than enough time to at least read what the flyer was all about.
HAVE YOU SEEN US?
There were at least ten pictures of toddlers, smiling. Below was a brief note, pleading to those who would listen, to help the FIND US Foundation in their search for missing children. One of the pictures however, he couldn’t get his eyes away from.
The kid might only be four when the picture was taken and it was back in 1994, but the blonde hair and green eyes gave it away. That was AJ Mc Lean, in another life. Only that this boy’s name was Alex Mc Leah.
He knew it was stupid, but he was secretly searching for a four year old that resembled Nick. There was none. There was however, a little girl who looked like Jenn, Alex Mc Leah’s girlfriend. Well, at least in his weird dream, they were.
It was starting again; the insanity.
Almost running out of the joint, he stood in the middle of the path way, searching for the girl with short hair. Jenn. He found her, much to his relief, still standing by the side, passing out flyers to everyone who cared to take them.
“Hey, is this you?” She frowned, her lips pursed so tight he thought they would be gelled together.
“Look, unless you have any valuable information, please don’t waste my time.”
“Just answer me, is this you?”
If looks could kill. “That’s my sister. Much older sister.”
“Look, I want to help.”
“You sure it’s not your way of making a pass at me?”
AJ smiled. “You’re pretty, but no, it’s not a pass.”
“I’m listening.”
“What do you need? For your foundation I mean...what’s lacking?”
She gave him the look. That’s twice in a day, not bad Jay. “Manpower, affiliates, money for these,” she waved the flyers around. “Just stuff.”
AJ nodded. He was getting dizzy. Did it really happen? Did all those kids exist? What did Vinhorian said about those alternate universes?
“Hey Mister, you okay?”
AJ needed help. Badly. Perhaps rehab might do well for him. It’s not alcohol Sir, its worse. I’m talking about a twilight zone. I know; crazy.
“I’m okay...I have to go now...look, your problems, they’re taken care of. I wish you all the best finding those kids.”
“Wait! What do you mean? At least give me your name!”
He climbed back into the cab, not as much as a glance back to the girl yelling out for him. “Where’s the food?”
“Long line man, we’ll have to find another one.”
“Your call.”
The headaches were back. They always came back when he thought too much. Or when he was confused. No matter how many times he told himself that Vinhorian Alni and his fucking twilight zone were unreal, something else would tell him that it was. Perhaps they were right; he did lose his brain, along with his sanity.
Fishing out his cell phone, he speed dialled the familiar number and waited. The flyer in his hand screaming back at him. It’s all real AJ, wake up.
“Hey mom, I need you to transfer ten thousand dollars to a foundation I’m supporting.”
“Are you sure honey?”
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
It depends though, what does sure means anyway? He thought he was sure of what was real and what was just a stupid trip in a dream world. But now, he wasn’t sure about anything anymore.
-
He sat in the dark, not wanting to drift off to sleep. Sleep wasn’t a blessing anymore. Every time he drifted off, he was visited by a man he called friend. He would take him to places he never knew existed and the further they went, the harder it felt for him to go back home. And when it was too late, he realised he couldn’t find his way back, lost forever in his dream.
Dark.
But Vinhorian Alni always kept coming back, beckoning him to follow him back to his world, showed him things that he didn’t knew. And every single time, he would say the same thing.
It’s true Nick, wake up.
And he would wake up, drenched in his own sweat, in the dark abyss of the night, frantically searching for the pills under his pillow before he could hyperventilate and wake the entire neighbourhood up. Not that they were anywhere near to hear him. If he was dying in this house, nobody would know.
One night, he got frustrated with his life. Why let him live and suffer? He flung the bottles into the dark, only to switch on the light and crawled on his hands and knees, picking up the scattered medicines and putting them back in their bottles. He couldn’t live without them. It was so easy to end it all. Just stop taking them and wait for death. But he couldn’t do that. Such a wuss.
We have taken out 30% of your infected liver Mr. Carter. It will grow back eventually, but you need to take these pills for the rest of your life.
A punctured lung, a broken rib, what was left of his liver, a major concussion and a twilight zone. He woke up to all that. And while everything else was true, nothing had been said about the twilight zone. Or Vinhorian Alni, the man who visited his dreams every night.
But it’s real?
No, it couldn’t be.
Yes, it had to be real!
He wanted to ask the guys. So what do you think of Vin? Point blank. But he couldn’t. Because the month he stayed in hospital was spent in silence for him. All he could do was smile, anything beyond that would kill him. At least that was what it felt like. And smiling helped to keep the questions away. Are you okay? Do you need help? He didn’t need that.
He knew he had to straighten himself up. They would put him away in a psychiatric ward if he kept thinking of a world that couldn’t possibly exist. And so the dreams had to stop. Which meant he couldn’t go to sleep.
And that brought him back to where he was now. Sitting on his bed, surrounded by darkness, telling himself over and over again, can’t go to sleep, can’t go to sleep. That was the only way to drown out the man’s voice, telling him that it was real.
