August 31, 2002 12:20 am

The chips won. damn. but they are the best damn chips i've ever eaten

August 31, 2002 Midnight

The chips are winning. I haven't eaten any yet, but after over 2 litres of water, I decided more wouldnt be healthy. So Jesse started making me do situps. I thought my tummy hurted before... but i was wrong,,, my tummy muscles hurt now... at least i dont want the chips anymore. well i do, but they're not worth it... i think im gonna go paint my nails soon too. that way, i cant eat them until my nails are dry at least. see the intelligence goin on over here? hehehe

August 31, 2002 11:00 pm

dude... my tummys really starting to hurt... i want the potatoe chips but i wont let myself have them... and everytime i think of getting them, i go get a glass of water instead... and i think i've had 10 so far, and im thinking about getting another one. it reminds me of ummm maybe last summer. i know its possible that if you consume too much water you'll die, i'd like to think that it was from drowning, but i know thats not really right. its prolly just ur stomach explodes or something equally as painful, and i wondered last summer how much it would take to do that, so id drink as much as i possibly could for the hell of it, testing the limits before it started to hurt. i drank a whole freaking lot lemme tell you. tonite, im up to half a gallon, which really isn't all that much, but maybe my tummy isnt very big.

tory and i got the robin black tickets today!! ohhhh im so excited!! lol to quote ariel "please try not to get killed" he also told me to count how many ppl call us hos while we're there, which i didnt understand. do me and tory look like whores? well, occassionally, but thats not the point. i dont know if we're gonna like whores while we're there. ugh im confused

while im thinking about ariel, he wanted to know what his friend said to me, but i didnt feel right telling him so i didnt. but i felt kinda bad, cuz his internets not working, so he couldnt exactly read my blog, and its not exactly like my blog tells it all. i think i just felt bad that i felt bad about the whole thing... as if maybe i shouldnt feel bad... as if i could control that, which i dont think i can. i think im too sensitive, things upset me too easy. i dont even know anymore, i cant think now, my mind is on robin black... wtf should i wear to his concert??

August 30, 2002 5:30 pm

Yeah yeah, so my blog was full of Joss Whedon quotes and half asleep rants. You don't have to read them anymore, they're safe in my archives now... whoopee for us all... I'm currently either a redhead or a purplehead, depending on whether or not im in the sun. Inside, my hair looks red, outside, you will notice, as tory did with her "omg debby!! your hair's purple!!" that it looks dark purple. i like it. i think its really cute, but my mom disagrees. she says she just has to get used to the colour though. shes used to me having light hair... oh well... i cant wait till tory gets the pictures back from that day at her house. anohter day was spent at her house, although this time i was kinda dragged there. i still had a good time though. at 11:30, the phone rang, but i was still sleeping. my mom walked into my room a few minutes later telling me to wake up cuz i had to get my msg from tory, "its important, something might be wrong, she said you had to get your butt over there immediately!!" so i jump outta bed and grab the phone to check the msg, thinking something was wrong, and i hear it. she wanted me to come over to meet alan, who would be coming to her house at 1 o clock. the phone rang ten minutes later, and i thought it was tory, but it was ariel. just as good, considering i was just planning on telling tory shes a bum for making me get up. little does she know, i was prolly going to get up soon anyways. i was dreaming that i was at centre and yonge street with seraphina and there were bees all around me, and seraphina was laughing at me while she called a taxi for us. it was quite creepy... oh well... blah blah blah im going out soon so im shutting up now. i havta change clothes, i look horrible...

August 29, 2002 12:30 am

Joss Whedon quote of the day-
"You know - lots of people lose themselves in love. It's no shame. They write songs about it. The hitch is - you can't stay lost. Sooner or later, you have to get back to yourself. If you can't - love becomes your master. And you're just it's dog."

"Any person - grown up, shrink, pope, any person who claims to be totally sane is either lying or not very bright. Everybody has problems. Everyone has demons. Right? So, the hope I bring you is that demons can be fought. People can change. You can change. It's all about finding your strength. Believing in yourself..."

I hate that that guy could make me so upset. He doesnt know me, and he doesn't care if what he says hurts me or not. But I was talking to Scooter, who automatically knew something was wrong, and he told me that he has no right to make me feel like that. But seriously, what can i do about it? shit all.
im tired, im off to bed

August 29, 2002 10:00 pm

I just met this guy. I barely know him, and one would suspect that I really couldn't care less what he thinks. Yet he's still making me feel like the world's biggest whore, and somehow he's also making me feel like im ugly. What the hell. This is fucked up, and if I leave, or block him, it's still gonna be in my head. I know I'm not exactly gorgeous, but I don't like to think I'm ugly, and now this stupid guy has gone and done this. *sigh*
maybe he's not a stupid guy, maybe im just stupid girl...
my pants aren't tight enough, blah blah blah...oh wait, there. he just said it. said im ugly. im done here.

August 28, 2002 10:25 am

*shrugs* I found it sooner than I thought I would... here it is...

"It's weird. You look at something, you think you know exactly what you're seeing, and then... you find out it's something else entirely."
-Joss Whedon

August 28, 2002 10:15 am

Here's my new quote of the day... there is another one coming, I just need to find it still...

"It's way too late. It didn't have to be this way, but you made your choice. I know you've had a tough life. I know some people think you've had a lot of bad breaks, and that you've hardened your heart to protect yourself from the pain. Well, boo-hoo. Poor you. You had a lot more in your life than some people. You had friends. Now you've got no one. Now you're nothing. Just a selfish, worthless, waste."
-Joss Whedon

August 28, 2002 12:30 am

Quote that you all must hear. Don't thinkg about it if you don't want to, but I did.

"My life happens very occasionally to suck beyond the telling of it. More than I can stand sometimes. And not just me. Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they're way too busy with their own. The beautiful ones, the popular ones, the guys that pick on you... everyone. If you could hear what they're feeling - the confusion, the loneliness... It looks quiet everywhere. It's not. It's deafening."
-Joss Whedon

August 27, 2002 10:30 pm

I had such a good day and you get to hear most of the details that i can beginning. And trust me, this starts at 6:30 in the morning when my sister found me sitting on my couch in the living room hugging a pillow, semi awake. Apparently, (my mommy just told me this part) she didn't know what to do with me, or what to make of me, so she got my mommy out of bed at 6:30 am to drag her to see me. They then asked me why I was awake and what I was doing there. I told them I was tired and to go away. They asked me why I was there again and I told them it was cuz my room was too hot, so they told me to go back to bed. I don't remember much after that, I don't remember actually going to my room, but I do remember lying there awake for hours after that. Then I managed to make it to Tory's house, where she and Ariel were waiting on the front porch. Blah blah blah went to go get camera blah blah blah then Wayne gets there, take some pictures, Kyle, Andrew and Josh get there blah blah blah. Now that I think about this, it's prolly not as interesting as it seems to me. The guys go swimming, me wayne and tory get thrown into the water with our clothes on, ummm we make food, tory goes crazy, i try and help tory from going crazy, video games, orgy with stuffed animals, interesting conversations.... thats about it. If you really wanna hear more, just read torys blog from today. But the point is, I had a really good day. Omg ariels friend just scared the crap outta me... goddamnit he shouldnt do that. vluivhlsiafghvuidf. telling me he has to talk to me privately about "ariels problem". ugh. and then turns out to be joking around. what? am i supposed to NOT get scared?? im sure some of you understand this. i know tory does and prolly sarah and erin too. but flsidufjauifdhlaig. hehehe now that that's outta me...

shutting up now...

August 27, 2002 12:10 am

Ever talk and talk to someone, and have them answer... but you just know they're not listening? Or they are listening but they just don't care? Ugh I hate when that happens. Its like they don't really care if you're talking to them or not. Just a thought...

...which reminded me of another thought that I read somewhere...Ever looked at a friend with tears in their eyes and have them tell you that nothings wrong? Why do people do that? I do it myself, all the time. Even if I'm sooo upset, or it feels like nothing else could go wrong, I'll just deny it, and I know everyone does it!

oh yeah, as you can tell, i didn't leave. dont ask me why, i dont really know myself, although i did have every intention of leaving.

August 27, 2002 Midnight

Ahhhh there's nothing like a nice hot raspberry scented bubble bath to make you feel feverish... yes, i know its strange, but its true!! It's strange, but now I smell really nice. Which is nice, because I felt all dirty and disgusting after walking around all day at the ex. It was hot out, and I kept having to pour my water all over me randomly cuz I wasn't feeling so good. Oh well, I got a spiked leather collar, I luv it, it's so cute!! In 11 hours, I have to be at Torlee's house. It started out as me, her, ariel, and andrew. Then andrew wanted to bring kyle. then tory wanted to bring wayne. then ariel wanted to bring jon. seems im the only one not bringing someone, but i dont really care. i think im too tired to care about much. random strangerish-ppl kept asking me if i was ok all day, and when i looked in the mirror i saw why. i was all pale and my eyes were red and everything. i hate the sun. see? im rambling. this is how tired i am, im just not making sense anymore and its only midnight. but i cant sleep in that room!! its so empty and im so alone in there!! its kinda strange now... i dunno, maybe its just me, but i get kinda creeped out without my stuff in there, without my normal furniture, and maybe it's jsut being alone in there...

as of now, it's offically three months with ariel...

happy 3 month ariel!!

I have a strange urge to say "now make a wish and blow out the candles...
now that i have that outta me, i think i'll be going now, no ones talkin to me anyways

August 26, 2002 Midnight

I have good news and I have bad news. But to get to telling you the good news, I have to start with the bad news. I was thinking about how Tory has all these "keys" to her happiness. So I decided that the key to my happiness would be Oreos. However, there was only one left. And I ate it. I ATE THE LAST OF MY HAPPINESS!! ugh. So I told Jesse this, and then realized the smart thing to do would be to figure out another key to my happiness! So I looked in the fridge (cuz my tummy was grumbly) and I saw the leftover french fries and sauce from Swiss Chalet. That was officially designated the new key to my happiness. But I, being the *smart* one I am, ate that too. I ate the last of my happiness. TWICE. But Jesse figured out a solution to this! He figured out that I should just get some more fries!! But... if I did, I'd be fat. I'd be a "happy blimp". That was the bad news. Of course, I don't want to be fat, so he decided to make me do 70 situps. Oh my god. I did a set of 20, then while I was doing my second set 5 minutes later, I noticed a spider. It was near my ceiling, the worst place for them to be because then I'm afraid it will fall on me if I try to kill it. But I got a chair anyways, and after about 5 or 10 minutes of kinda lookin at it, and getting paper towel and books to smush it and such, I killed it. And the good news is, I think I'm not so afraid of spiders anymore!! Before, i never woulda been able to do that, kill it and all. But now, if a spider is staying still, and up high, and not too big, I can deal with it being in the room.... ALIVE EVEN!! wo0t wo0t for deblee!!


August 24, 2002 12:40 pm

Pft, no seriousness, I dont know what I was thinking. But now I'm downloading a whole bunch of Robin Black songs and getting myself psyched up for his concert... its not that hard... i just hope tory's mom can give us a ride... hehehe hmmmm im so bored... apparently no one is up this late anymore... pft. wimpy ppl. so schools coming, so what? its not even 1 am yet. you cant tell me ur tired!!! geeze

August 24, 2002 11:40 pm

Time for seriousness... is it a bad thing that I'm going out with ariel? it doesnt feel bad... but i'm hurting people, and i only realized that tonite. and i didnt even kno that i was doing it. its not that im thinking im going to break up with ariel or anything, but is it wrong? ugh im so confused

August 24, 2002 11:20 pm

I forgot a few things. One was to inform anyone who cares that I would like to point out the fact that I did NOT neglect anything today!! see?? lotsa writing??? writing??? no neglecting!! The second thing was I got a watch!! But to explain this, I must tell you the story of my last two watches. The first was a just a boring purple thing with a green band that I'd had forever, since like grade 6. And then sometime last year, while at Kale's house one day, he said something that made me realize how ugly it really was, and since everything else about me seemed to be changing (music, clothes) I decided it was time to get a new watch, but keep this one in case I ever needed a spare one. So I went out and got a pretty analog one, silver with a plastic-y band with a nice saying on it. It was really cute, until the paint on the band started coming off. Then, in one of my stupid moments, I decided the best thing to do would be to try and take all the paint off the band with nail polish remover. Of course, this didnt work, and it ended up being horribly ugly, so ugly that i refused to wear it on my wrist any longer, so it was relegated to be kept in my pocket with my keys everyday. But me, being the forgetful one I am, never remember to take things out of my pockets before I put them in the laundry machine... so as it turned out, the ugly watch accidentally went into the laundry machine... AND the dryer... but it still worked!!! for about a week, then it completely died and had to be thrown out. And about two weeks before I had to throw this out, on a trip downtown with tory and wayne, i lost my OTHER ugly digital watch. So I was left watchless for a good part of the summer. So i was planning on getting one the next time I went to the mall. But then my mommy came home with one for me today, and I think it's absolutely perfect! It's all black, and whats more, its debby sized!! the band itself is quite short, but i like it that way cuz my wrists aren't very big, but other than that, its like my first one... only... not i lead a boring life... where is everyone??? i need someone to talk to!! or else i write alot... and its only 11:30!!!!

August 24, 2002 11:00pm

Wo0t wo0t!!! me and tory might be going to the robin black concert!! with cheerleader!!! and we're cheerleader drugdealers!! the only thing stopping us is we need a ride back, because it will be late, and its downtown and my mom says we cant bus back cuz thats too dangerous. hopefully, tory's mom will be able to give us a ride back...

and as for all you people wondering/asking me, i am not for sure working yet!!! the people at Coffee Time who might be hiring me have this bad habit of not telling me things, so I've done the training, and I gave them references, but they said they'd just call my mom and talk to her instead. And after they've done that, adn if I'm still interested, then I have the job. And they said it looks good, but they haven't called my mom yet. Once it's for sure, I'll be sure to amke all of you come visit me... ok? curiosities satisfied? oh yes, as to what i do. I make coffee.... i hand ppl muffins/donuts, i toast bagels... easy boring crap... oh, and i use the cashier thing... its an easy job.

hehehe have i told you all how sweet ariel is? i haven't exactly been writing in here faithfully lately, but i have to tell you all how sweet he is...i hope he doesnt mind. but anyways, we went to go pick up his report card that he was finally getting, and i was so surprised... he didn't forget about me while he was on vacation!! and he got me a present!!! leading me to remember that i should put earrings in before the holes closed up, leading me to realise it was too late, leading to me repiercing my ears myself. *ahem* great idea mom... *rolls eyes*.anyways, i was just thinking about how sweet he was. and how he'd come see me at lunch when i was sick, and skip the next period. i dunno just random things. and then there was badness involving cameron, making me upset and crying and shaking and such. and it was all for nothing, because he told me he wasn't mad at me!

there's a sci fi convention this weekend. and as geeky as it sounds, i wanted to go, because they had a buffy exhibit, and nicholas brendon would be there!!! *hint hint* he plays xander. so i wanted to go, but i couldn't. *sigh* oh well. maybe its for the better... o.0 a sci fi convention? its interesting an all but still...

Kale has the thornhill people blocked and deleted again. and its not that i dont care, thats not why i havent tried to contact him, its just he's tried to force me out of his life so many times, and its never worked before, so im kinda thinking he'll just come back like before. and i know theres a chance that saying that will make him mad. but how am i supposed to feel if someone repeatedly tried to rip me from their lives and toss me aside like some broken rag doll? am i supposed to be happy about this? no, i dont think so. so should i be upset because, once more, he's trying to pretend i dont exist? or should i be pissed off because he's the one ripping me from his life, like he can return me as if i were broken merchandise. well im not making the first move. and thats that.

onto happier news, i have my room back for a while... im not sure how long, but for at least a week, which kicks some ass, but now i dont want it back. it doesnt have an air conditioner, and we all know about my issues with that goddamn sun and its fucking heat. cold is better and thats the only way to go!

im gonna dye my hair this week! wo0!!! egyptian plum... this should be interesting, if nothing else. lets just hope i look good with dark hair, or else im washing my hair approx 28 times in one day, after i do it. hehehe wish me luck everyone!! i've never had such dark hair, im kinda nervous...

August 22, 2002 Midnight

I have another piece of advice for all of you. On top of not feeding your hamster coffe beans, or chugging coffee, do not, i repeat do not, try to repeirce your own ears. Not even if your mother tells you to. Not even if things are sterilized. Not even if you h ave ice. And do you know why? Because it hurts. Sure, it may not seem like it could hurt that much, but it took me about a half hour, and it hurt. Like.A.Bitch. But I suppose it may have been worth it. And I guess it could have been over a lot faster if I was brave enough to just do it quickly, instead of bit by bit. It's just like the bandaid thing. You can rip it off, or you can take it off slowly. My thoughts? Get it the hell over with, and rip it off. Heheheh that's my wisdom for the day.

August 21, 2002 2:45 am

All I have to do is choose where Ariel and I will go tomorrow? What's so dificult to this? As far as I can see, the only limitation is to choose somewhere I like *ahem* thank you ariel ;)... but from where I am, I realized there's nowhere that I really like going. The movies are boring, the mall is full of japs and a piece of crap, I've been downtown too much, and that was never especially exciting, i HATE wonderland... and he cant come over cuz my sisters home all day. what does that leave? why don't i like going anywhere??? what's wrong with me??? why am i sitting here at nearly 3 am trying to think of somewhere to go tomorrow? with my luck, im gonna be up so late thinking about this, or trying to think, then getting bored or frustrated, then getting distracted with something such as lyrics like before. And after all that, i'm gonna wake up late tomorrow, and all we'll end up doing is going to coffee time with the bunch of people that night. not that that would be a bad thing... i mean, cuz then ariel and i could get together the day after... and my sister wouldnt be home all day or wahtever, so we could just chill at my house, cuz we all know how much i *love* going out. i wanna be a hermit. I swear, if it weren't for random ppl showing up to drag me out, like today, then i would never get out! and once i do go out, its never me who makes the decision where to go. and theres a reason for that. because i dont know where!!! tahts the problem with going out. you need to know where to go. ya know what sounds interesting? riding the subway. o.0 ya, you got a problem with that? i wanna ride the subway. back, and forth and back and forth. and then fall asleep.

p.s. ignore me, this is the coffee talking

August 21, 2002 2:30 am

I died,
many years ago
You can make me feel,
like it isnít so.
Why you come to be with me,
I think I finally know...

Youíre scared, ashamed of what you feel
You canít tell the ones you love
You know they couldnít deal.
Whisper in a dead manís ear
Doesnít make it real....

Thatís great, but I donít wanna play
Being with you touches me more than I can say.
Since Iím only dead to you,
Iím saying stay away,
And let me rest in peace.

Let me rest in peace,
Let me get some sleep.
Let me take my love and bury it
In a hole 6 foot deep
I can lay my body down
but I canít find my sweet release...
So let me rest in peace.

You know you got a willing slave.
And you just love to play the part
that you might misbehave.
But till you do, Iím telling you
Stop visiting my grave,
And let me rest in peace.

I know I should go,
But I follow you like a man possessed.
Thereís a traitor here beneath my breast
And it hurts me more than youíve ever guessed.
If my heart could beat it would break my chest.
But I can see youíre unimpressed,
So leave me be.

Let me rest in peace
Let me get some sleep
Let me take my love and bury it
In a hole 6 foot deep.
I can lay my body down
But I canít find my sweet release...
Let me rest in peace.

Why wonít you let me rest in peace?

Rest in Peace - James Marsters
I just really like the song and the lyrics and everything. I know sarah thinks its kinda morbid, kinda sick, but thats ok with me. It's a really good song.

August 21, 2002 1:30 am

I had a good phone call with my grandmother today! And I learned some really interesting things. Like, my granddad was in the navy, and while he was away, of course they'd write each other letters and stuff. And she'd smuggle things in to him, like liquor and stuff, but they check packages. So she'd bake a loaf of bread, and put it in there, so he could have his little bottle of alcohol to sell to the other ppl, because he doesnt drink. I dont know why, but I find that extremely cool. And she's offered to take me on a cruise to hawaii!! And she offered to give me my daddys chichilla. Of course, my mom said no to all of this, which leads me to my theory about my mom, but that's for later, because right now I'm intent on indulging in my coffee.

August 19, 2002 11:19 am

Now that I'm not going out with Kale, and with Ariel away, I don't feel the need as much to go on the computer any more. I mean, last year, I'd go on every day all the time so that I could talk to Kale, because that was one of the only ways I could talk to him. But now, nothingness is pulling me away from the computer. For two nights, I haven't gone on. And that doesn't mean I didn't want to, I did, but still. One night I was talking to Greg. He had hoped we'd break our record, and talk till 5 am but I told him it wouldnt happen because my mom would make me get off the phone. And last night I was on room arrest. *ahem ahem* thank you amanda. She wanted to make peanut butter cookies. TO make them, would involve the smell of peanut butter going ALLL over the apartment right? But I'm allergic to peanut butter, even the smell. But of course she's Amanda, so she always manages to get her way. And even if she couldn't get me to stay in my room from 8:30 till this morning, she was planning on making them anyways and having me get sick. Ugh I cannot STAND sisters!! And then, I lost all connection to the outside world when my phone battery dyed. So I watched a movie on tv instead. "The Case of the Whitechapel Vampire" Of course you all know what attracted me to that movie... the word vampire... it was a sherlock holmes movie, but it was pretty good all the same.

Dude I wanna go horseback riding! Maybe it has something to do with that fucked up dream i had but... whatever

wo0t wo0t!! Andrew's home!!! and he just called me!!! yay i feel special!! yayyyyyyyy andrews home!!!

I'm thinking about switching over to the dark side of blogs... I'm thinking about switching to... *gulps* blogger... If it is as easy as they say... i dont know!! too hard!!! too many decisions!! And what if I can't find a pretty template? It's not like I can design one myself, thats wayyyyyyy too dificult!

Angels Fuck, Devils Kiss

I woke up, mourning
I woke up dead today
I aged a thousand years or more
I flinch when you are nice
You kill me with a single word
When angels fuck and devils kiss, I'm sure

I'll bask in your forever
You just waste my time
I want to drag you down, down with me
I wanted to help, to help destroy the world
I wanted to be that, to be that special girl

Everybody's got a little something to hide, but me
Everybody's got a little someone to crush, but me
I'm living in a human teenage mediocrity
Everybody's got a little someone to trust, but me

I dreamed that I was you
I dreamed your ego died
Sad who loves you more than I do
I know you lied

I'll bask in your forever
Fucking waste of time
Angels fuck and devils screw

I wanted to heal me and then destroy the world
Piss in your heart and be that, and be that special girl

Everybody's got a little something to hide but me
Everybody's got a little someone to crush but me
I'm living in a teenage negative mediocrity
Everybody's got a little someone to trust but me

But me, but you
Not me
Hate you
Love me, love me, hate you
Want me, fuck you, hate me
Kill you
Fuck me, like you, want me
Like you want you fuck you
Fuck me, fuck you, fuck you fuck you fuck me
Fuck you, fuck me, fuck you fuck you fuck me (you never loved me)
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you fuck you fuck me

I will never make it better
I will never make it better
It will always hurt you fucking asshole

This is actually my favourite song... lol I love the lyrics. Jack off Jill just kiks ass altogether.

August 17, 2002 Midnight

Here's a helpful hint for all you caffeine addicts out there. Do not, i repeat DO NOT! chug coffee. No matter how interesting you may think it sounds, it will burn your tongue. And then comes the caffeine buzz, and omg will you be awake and hyper for hours. It's like a caffeine drip straight into your veins, only tasty.

After much testing and hypothesizing, not only is it a bad idea to give you hamster coffee beans, they probably won't eat them. However, if they do, expect your hamster to be fucking crazy little hyper blur for the next, oh, 7 hours. It's almost worth it... if the wheel doesnt squeak.

August 17, 2002 11:30 am

Firstly, I wanna say sorry to Tory and Kale for not coming back last night. I fell asleep, but you probably guess that and/or knew it would happen. Secondly I would like to tell you all that for soem reason, my hair always looks good at 2 am. Why cant I have plans at 2 am when my hair looks good, rather than at 11 am when its not? And thirdly Kale, I would have had a countdown for you had you bothered to tell me what day you were getting back. Oh yeah, you told me you'd be gone for 10 days. But by my count, Sunday was the 10 day mark. And you weren't back by then. And no one seemed to know when you would be back, at least no one that i asked, and trust me I did ask.

I have made up my mind. This will be a good day. I'm smiling, I'm happy, and I can't fathom a reason to be upset at the moment. Actually, I can think of lots, but today will be happy. Sure, I'll have to clean up my apartment, but I'm gonna play music and make myself look like an idiot while doing it. Hehehe, it feels good to smile... Lmao I sound like a prozac commercial. And now, time to clean.

August 15, 2002 11:30 pm

After talking with Tory and Danny and bitching in my blog, I realized I'm crazy and I feel soooooo much better now. wo0 wo0 for smiling! Mwa tory! Mwa Danny! Mwa Sarah! Mwa Erin! Mwa!!

p.s. most of what i said in my last blog entry is just me being and feeling bad... I wasn't ignored yesterday, Kale didn't mean anything by calling to ask for Tory's number... I blame it on moodiness... cuz we all know i have lots of that

August 15, 2002 10:15 am

Ever have one of those days, where it starts out bad, and you try to make it better, but nothing works? That was today. And it should have been a good day. Why not? I'm goin to the mall with two people who I really like, spending the day with them. But somehow, it just didn't turn out well. I got up early, only to find out that the thing I tried to tape last night didn't work, so I got up extra extra early (in time to watch it) for nothing. So I hang around and stuff, and then I get a phone call from my friend, telling me he almost died last night. When I finally leave, I decide that getting some coffee and a croissant with make me feel better, and if nothing I could use the caffeine to wake me up. The day wasn't really bad, I just felt like the world was against me. I felt ignored and alone all day, even though i was with Tory and Sarah. They just seemed to be hitting it off so well the two of them, everything was going right for them, and I was just a third wheel that they invited as a formality. I even tested my theory. They were doing their thing in a store, and I was wandering around silently behind them, and I decided to go check something out. I told them I was going, but they didn't seem to hear me. So I left for a few minutes, went to the store across the hall. I don't htink they noticed. And then I decided to try again, and I did. And I don't think they noticed again. So was my day. And I got home after getting my needle, and just kinda felt bad, and the clothes and the note on the couch didn't make me feel any better, just another reminder of how *fun* my weekend will be living in hotel Gregory. But my day wasn't as bad as I'm making it seem, it did have good/fun parts. ANd they did noticed that I wasn't up to par and asked me if I was ok. So after that, I just hung around reading the book Tory lent me for a few more hours, until my sister and I got into a fight after dinner, and I got out the teddy bear Igor got me and hugged it and lay there and cried. I haven't done that, barely touch that stuffed dog in 18 months. My feelings of being ignored and passed over didn't go away though because a few hours later I got a phone call. From Kale! And I thought, wow, I'm special, he remembers me, he thinks enough to call me because he's in the area! Tough luck Debby, no such thing, he was just calling to ask me for Tory's number so that he can go over there and give her a present. Which led me thinking about something else, but that's another story entirely.

Anyways, the point of this entry was to say this. wo0t. wo0t. happy days. oh happy days.

August 12, 2002 11:30 am

I look down at the hand I use my mouse with and I wonder, how the fuck did this get on me, who's is it, and why the hell am i wearing it? It's one of life's greatest mysteries. As well, how long has it been there??

I scare myself sometimes

and why did i scan this???

August 12, 2002 10:30 am

I really don't know what else you want me to do. I have said sorry. I even took the time to find, and put up a pretty little poem. Give me a hint, or make the next move yourself. I'm sorry if that's not enough, but I don't know what else to do.

What to do what to do... should I go to Dave's tomorrow? It might be kinda fun, but it's really such a bitch to get there. Oh well, I'm sure I'll decide sometime within the next 12 hours.

Other than this, at the moment I really have nothing to say. Erin comes home on Wednesday, wo0t wo0t for that. Ummm... the mailman is eating my mail... And... errrr... My hamster has made a breakthrough and NOT taken down her new wheel in a full 48 hours!

August 12, 2002 11:30 am

When I said before that things get misinterpreted, I was right. When I said it wasn't worth it, I wasn't talkin about this whole thing. This whole thing is tearing me apart. I so badly want it to be better, but I don't know how to stop it. Did you even read the entire entry? Or did you just see the words "its not worth it" and let the rest slip by. If you knew what I was talking about when I called them addicts words, maybe it wouldn't have hurt you and I'm sorry that they did. But those words weren't talking about anything outside of my own thoughts. Can't you see I'm trying to change? But tell me. What am I supposed to change into? Someone nicer, more considerate? Yeah, I'm trying. And fine, I should try harder, and I will. And if I didn't care, would I let this occupy my mind for the last 14 hours (how long we've been fighting). No, I wasn't exxagerating when I said I got kicked off. And I only got kicked off because my sister wanted to go to sleep. And I don't understand. How can I be a fucking narcissus if I hate how I look?

Dude, I just want this to end. Yeah, alot of things have been said. And maybe they needed to be said, but it shouldn't have come out like this. And maybe this won't make any difference, but I'm sorry.

Did I really hurt you?
With the things I said,
I feel like I am losing you,
To the demons in my head.

Do you think that you can forgive me?
Or have things gone to far,
Did my words cut like arrows?
Leaving a deep and lasting scar.

I am so sorry,
For the things I have done,
Have I lost you now?
I hope not, because you were the one.

It's too late, I know,
To change what has been done,
It's too late, I know,
The end has just begun.

They say that time heals all wounds,
They say that the course of love runs true,
Do you believe so?
Or have I lost the chance,
To be friends with you

August 11, 2002 11:30 pm

I was wrong. Or I lied. It hurt me and upset me before. I let it get to me. I'm only human. Having someone mad at you, having someone hate you, letting someone down, all these things eating up inside me, leaving me empty and unsure of who I am, how I should act or what I should be. It's true. I forget things. It's also true that I have no fucking clue who the hell I am/ who I'm supposed to be. And where are you supposed to turn when you realize that you can't tell your friends close to you the things going on for fear that they'll be angry at you, or not like you for who you are or what you've done? I find myself with the tears rolling down all the time. In the shower, at the computer, on the couch, in the corner of the bathroom floor, sitting there in the dark not knowing where to turn. Life is hard. And no matter who you are or what yuor perspective is, it's hard for everyone. Everyone's got there moments when they break down and let the world know how they're really feeling. What should be taken as a gesture of kindness, is really taken as going through the motions. Feelings are hurt, relationships ruined, hearts trampled. Everyone has moments of feeling alone, like no one hears your cries for help. But everyone's got someone.You might feel like you're all alone. Yet to others, you appear to have it all. Everything. And maybe it's that... envy that kind of sets you two apart. The personality, the strength, the home life, the body, the character, the talents, the willpower to change. But to you, maybe that's not what you see. And life is going to be a cold cruel ugly place whether or not you have friends! I'm not making any sense. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. In my head, running through it over and over the past two days has been "debby, you're an ugly little girl who no one likes". even if i know thats not true, i've still been avoiding mirrors the past two days all the same. Sitting here, running through my head "debby, you're a horrible person. you hurt other people and you don't realize it" but how am i going to avoid myself? I can't. I have to live with it, or have the power to change. I have a million more thoughts, a million more things to say, yet I'm being kicked off. August 11, 2002 9:30 pm

My blog has been unduly neglected these past few days, and now I have absolutely no idea what to write. Actually I do, but I can't tell the world this. I just can't get it out of my head. Maybe these are, as tory puts it, addicts words, but still. It's just so frusterating. *breathes deeply* I won't let this get to me. I won't let any of this get to me, because it's not worth it. heh, I'm saying none of it is worth it. But am I going to take my own advice? goddamit i dont know. im going to sit here and i can calm down and think reasonably, cuz nothing good can come of this

August 8, 2002 6:00 pm

Thanks to Jackie for this marvellous marvellous picture!! I LUV U JACKIE!! MWA!!! LOOK AT SPIKE!!! HES SOOOO SEXY!!!

August 7, 2002 11:30 pm

Oh my god no way... I won't name names, because I "don't know this", and as far as you're concerned, this could be anyone in the world, but i just discovered that an old ex still likes me... I am slightly scared and quite weirded out at the moment...

I don't get it. I can be so mean, I can be so moody, I can do horrible horrible things, and say such cruel things, yet still guys usually don't get scared away. How does it work? If I liked a guy, and he said mean things to me, BOOM, I don't like him anymore. But I've noticed that with certain guys that have liked me, even if i say mean things, or try to scare them away, it just doesnt work...

moving right along, i got a letter from erin, and it said something about how much fun it would be to move out, but how the responsibility would be alot and such, and how taking care of urself is kinda scary, but i was thinking, havent i been taking care of myself for a long time now? other than with things like buying food and stuff, i pretty much do... which kinda creeps me out. when i freaked out when my dad left, my mom didnt even take the time then to talk to me, or see how i was. she called the school instead and had them ship me off to guidance. she didnt even tell me she was gonna do this, just one day in gym "debby at the end of class go to guidance, dont worry about being late for ur next class ur excused". that in itself freaked me out. so i took sarah with me to guidance. the piece or shit counsellor made me tell her why my mom called and made me go to guidance. anyways, the actual appointment wasnt important, it was boring and uneventful, other than i started crying, (at least sarah was there with me) and we decided guidance counsellors are totally useless. anyways, i got back to science class in the middle, and as i was thinking about this, i just got a picture in my head, the only specific thing i remember about that day... sarah and i walked into science class. I'd been crying so my eyes were kinda puffy and kinda red etc etc. And I remember Ariel standing towards the front of the classroom, and he looked up as i walked in, and looked at me and sarah, and he just looked so worried, i just have that freezeframe in my head. and then i remember annie running over and hugging me and asking where we were and stuff and then us telling everyone we went to go get ice cream, etc etc etc.

enough of thinking. i got a new hamster cage today. fuck those are a bitch to put together. my hamster better enjoy her new wheel, and sleeping area, and ladder/slide thing, and door with a lock, because it took me a long time to figure out how to do! "some assembly required" my ass! this is a CAGE! for a small RODENT! how dificult can it be (you must be thinking this). let me tell you. it came in about 15 pieces. it took three reasonably intelligent people, and half an hour to put together. just so that my stupid hamster can spend the next three months chewing on it only to chew a hole in it, then escape and me going back to using her old crappy cage. oh well... it looks cool as is... lookie!!! i found some pictures!!!

and heres the wheel....

and trust me, theres more. ugh, damn spoiled hamster....
August 4, 2002 10:30 pm

See? Today was a fairly good day! I went to a beach... in Port perry... how ironic is that? Kale leaves for vacation, and my mom hauls my sister, aunt and i up to port perry to lie around all day in front of a lake where theres a sign telling you its unsafe to swim! So I hung out there all day, had a nice sleepy car ride, indulged in some gluttonous (i learned a new word from Sarah's blog entry! cookies, and then got home. After dinner, (which was salad, i was still feeling kinda guilty about the cookies) I went swimming! And then to the sauna, and then home to be lazy. And I even made up my mind to go jogging some time tomorrow... yep, im definetly going crazy.

but i have to tell you about these cookies... they are soo good, but just looking at them you know that whatever they are, they cannot be good for you. think of rich chocolate... creamy... and soft... and warm... and omg they're soo good and i think i'll have to go get another one...*shfits eyes*... i'll be going now... i'm just ummm... going... to... errrr... swim... yeah... thats it...

August 3, 2002 10:30 pm

Befor I rant and rave about how life isn't fair, I was just thinking that I should tell you that I didn't actually have a bad day. I have a fairly good day... a lazy day, but a good one all the same. Just to let the world know that not all my days are bad... *smiles*

Anyways, onto the unfairness. Life just isn't fair, but I'm sure you all know that and have experience that in some way shape or form. And I'm sure you remember how frustrated you got when there was nothing you could do to make life more fair for you. My sister gets back. And she thinks shes god. I can't stand it. She thinks that this entire household revolves around her wants and her needs. Well I've got news for her, IT DOESN'T! I decided to be nice, and tell her that her friend was online. This is the first I've been on the computer all day, I let her have it all day because she's been away. But I went on to check email, and to talk to people. I see her friend online, and tell her, and shes kicking me off and there's shit all i can do about it. And there's no more late nights for me. I don't go to bed before 1 am. And now I have to, because I have to get off the computer and go to bed when she goes to bed, because for two weeks she got kicked out of her room and gets to sleep on the couch. It makes no fucking sense. I have a bed. Yet I go to bed late, and usually sleep on the couch anyways. However, now she comes home, I have to be off the computer and in bed by the time she's in bed, and the whole everythingess seems to revolve around her! Why doesn't she just take my bed? It won't make a difference to me, I barely use it as is! But nope, she did this just to make things dificult for me. I assume all of you who are taking the time to read this are pretty close friends with me and know what I'm talking about with this whole kicked out of room thing, so I won't bother telling the world. Besides, if you don't know, there may be a reason for it. Fuck man this isn't fair!

August 2, 2002 5:00 am

I think I forgot to tell the readers of my blog that I found my ring. Earlier this week, it was my very first time doing laundry, and I was just taking the load out of the laundry machine, to put into the dryer. So I took out all the wet clothes, and there at the bottom of the laundry machine, is my ring. It was the most bizarre thing, especially considering I lost it while I was taking a nap. But I have it back anyhow. And I know I said I was gonna go to bed... but that never works out. I mite go to bed soon, or maybe not at all. I can't decide. I know I should sleep. I know that I hurt from lack of sleep. But I just can't go to bed... I just don't want to fall asleep yet.

August 2, 2002 4:00 am

Insecure. Last August, that is the last word I would have used to describe myself. Sure, I was never the most confident person, or the most self-assured, but insecure wouldnít have been the word to describe me. Now, on a night a year later, itís come up more than once, and I realized that is exactly what I am. Not only did I realize it to myself, but others realized it about me. Or maybe they knew all along, and just didnít bring the word to my face. That doesnít bother me, in fact, Iím glad they didnít tell me. Because it frightens me that I can be like this. Thinking about this has sent the little giftie in me looking to the dictionary to see exactly what insecure means. I donít remember what it said, something about apprehensiveness and something else about anxiety. I didnít fully understand what it said, so I looked up apprehensive, and then I looked up anxiety. They both said something about being scared and unsure about an event that may happen in the future. So I turned to good old . It told me it meant ďlacking self confidenceĒ, or troubled. Itís after 3 o clock in the morning, and Iím tired and hurting, rambling on and on about something Iím not even sure what Iím talking about. Everything seems to hurt tonight. My muscles hurt, my head hurts, my stomach and back. Even my pride seems to have been wounded. It was just a little comment. It wasnít supposed to mean anything, let alone upset me. He never knew it would have that effect on me. He didnít know how mad Iíd get, and he didnít know that Iíd end up crying. It was like one of those situations where a girl says shes fat, even when she knows shes not. And the person sheís saying it to is supposed to disagree with her. Itís kind of like she needs to be reassured that this person doesnít think sheís fat. Only, this was one of those rare occasions where the person agreed with the girl, and said she was fat. This wasnít the exact situation, but it was remarkably similar. Now using my definition of lacking self confidence, that would describe me tonight. I hate admitting this to the world though. Hereís my good old pride, not wanting to admit to anyone that somethings wrong. Just like tonight. Iíd rather tell everyone that Iím talking on the phone, or going to the bathroom, than admit that I just canít talk to them because Iím sitting there crying. But this one little innocent comment, and boom, everything in me spilled out. Ever had one of those nights where you just canít take it anymore? And all your worries and fears and pains come out in the form of tears, leaving you totally drained? Well that was tonight. And Iím not sure how it turned out. Ariel finally knows what Iíve been scared of. And thankfully, he tells me I have nothing to worry about. And I found out tonight that Tory knows exactly what has been happening, how Iíve been convincing myself that he doesnít like me. Iíd told her that I was scared it would happen, and I knew sheíd done this sort of thing too, but I had no idea that it was the EXACT SAME THING I was doing. What scares me though, is that Ariel thinks heís hurting me. Heís not hurting me. But I donít know how to tell him that itís not actually him, itís me doing this to myself. Itís my stupid cynical little mind telling me that the world hates me, and giving myself reasons that they should. I just canít understand why anyone in their right mind would like me. And me, just as I am, just as Debby. As insecure as I may be. Yeah, maybe Kaleís right. Maybe I am just like a little girl. I do just need someone to be strong for me when I canít/wonít be. But nothing is going to change that.

dude I need sleep. Itís nearly 4 am, and I gotta be up early tomorrow to go downtown. and everything hurts and aches. dude, im going to bed soon. im fuckin tired.