Angel Baby

To A Lost Child

For a few short weeks I knew you
Yet you own me for eternity
Your birth from my womb
Was not attended
By family and friends in celebration
But strangers in a sterile room
Under harsh uncaring lights
Mourned by few, forgotten by many
I have no grave to visit
No headstone to mark my pain
Instead of flowers I bring prayers
Spirit baby, wait for me

This page is dedicated to my first baby. I lost my baby when I was only six or seven weeks pregnant. Although it happened early in my pregnancy it was still a huge loss and it broke my heart. My baby left me on March 18, 1997. After much prayer and contemplation, I believe my baby is an angel now and I will meet my angel again one day.

We were only married for a few months when we found out we were pregnant. We were so excited. We announced it to our family and church, and I let everyone know at the nursing school where I was a student. I was looking forward to being pregnant and being a mom.

On the evening of March 17 1997, I had been listening to the Disney song, "Baby Mine" and thinking about my baby when I went to the bathroom. I was bleeding. I immediately panicked. I hadn't even met my doctor yet; my first appointment wasn't until the next week. I called Jimmy home from work. I don't remember what I said to him, just that I needed him home right away. I met him outside our apartment when he pulled up and I jumped into the car and told him to take me to the hospital. At the hospital, they took blood and urine and I was examined. I had stopped bleeding and my cervix was closed. They said I was having a "threatened miscarriage" and to go home and wait. We made it home early in the morning of the 18th. We called our parents and told them what was going on, and we went to bed to try to sleep and wait.

Later that morning I was bleeding again, a lot. I also started having severe cramps. Part of me knew it was over, but I still didn't want to admit it. Jimmy called his parents and they came over. They saw me curled into a ball on the bed, crying from the pain and they took us to the hospital. My parents met us there. I remember waiting in a wheelchair and I started to go numb. I gave more blood and urine for more tests. Soon I was put in an examining room and given a gown to put on. As I removed my clothes, I felt my baby leave me. I screamed and went into hysterics and all Jimmy could do was try and comfort me. I was examined again and indeed I had lost the baby. The doctors explained it wasn't my fault, it was probably a genetic problem. A kind nurse gave me the name of a really good doctor to go to next time. The technician who had taken my blood saw me and asked what happened, and when I told him I had a miscarriage, he hugged me. The doctor gave me some pain meds. I guess they kicked in because I became very calm. Our parents took us home.

What I have to say about miscarriage is this: people can be cruel even if they don't mean to be. Most people just don't say anything, it's like nothing happened. Some people act like since it was only a few weeks along it wasn't a big deal. One dear woman from school who also went to our church called me. She told me how she had lost her first and we talked about it. She also brought over a meal and notes from class. I will never forget her. If someone you know has a miscarriage, the best thing you can say is "I'm sorry." Acknowledge that there has been a loss. Be there for that person.

It's been a few years since my loss, and I've had two sweet daughters since then. I feel like they have a guardian angel watching over them, a dear angel baby. I believe my baby is in Heavenly Father's care. Making this page has been something I have wanted to do for my baby, as a tribute to make sure my angel isn't forgotten. Thank you for visiting.

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