All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."
The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations.
This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.
Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.
She says, "Gambling."
"Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?"
"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"
The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!"
The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"
"Ok, have it your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it.
"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left.
Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal.
When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.
"Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president.
"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"
"No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.
"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.
"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.
"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."
Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralized, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.
A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was Yes."
Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse."
The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual Intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
This guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off.
One day his wife came home with a diamond neckless. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?" His wife replied: "I won it at bingo."
The next night she came home with a mink coat. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?" His wife replied: "I won it at bingo."
The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?" His wife replied: "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things!! Go upstairs and run my bath for me!!"
His wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub.
The wife asked: "How come you put so little water in the tub?"
The guy replied: "I didn't want you to wet your bingo card"
The Devil You Say
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front exit, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sat calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
Two old timers were sitting on the porch of the general store when another cowboy rode in with his horse. The cowboy dismounted, and then tied his horse to a pole. Afterwards he went behind the horse, lifted its tail and kissed its balls.
One of the men on the porch asked, "What'd ya do that fer?"
To which the cowboy replied, "I gots chapped lips."
And the other sitting man said, "And that helps 'em get better?"
"No, but it stops me from lickin' 'em."
A wino was sitting at a bar, quietly sobbing into his beer.
A lawyer came up and asked, "What's the problem, pal?"
The wino said, "I just found out that sperm banks pay $20 for a donation."
"So," said the lawyer, "why are you crying?"
"I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!" the wino wailed.
The Checkout Line
A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."
Are your investments in order? Below are some of the latest rumors from Wall Street. In the wake of the AOL/Time Warner deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.
3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.
Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine.
Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.
3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.
Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott NOW!
To The Point
The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?"
"$5.00 per word, Ma'am," came the response.
"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?"
"OK, write this: 'Cohen died.'"
"I'm sorry, Ma'am; I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum."
"Hmmph," came the reply, "You certainly did forget to tell me that." A moment of silence. "Got your pencil and paper?"
"OK, print this: 'Cohen died, Cadillac for sale.'"
Why God Made Bikers by Animal
God made the world with long streets and bright lights.
Beautiful women and bars with Bud Light
Then he paused and said 'It needs just one more thing!'
Someone to drink and fight, and get his ass in a sling.
A man to ride his Harley down the streets at a 100mph
Just to hit one more bar before the closing hour.
He has long hair and he wears a long beard
He's loved by most women, but by most men he's feared.
He wears oil stained Levis and black Tees,
A cut off Levi jacket and a bandana tied to his leg just above his knee.
The cops don't like him, to them he's just a pest,
Just because we're different from all the rest.
They pull our ass over every chance they get,
And ya know 90% of the time we ain't done shit.
So ya see us bikers aren't all mean and tough,
We even do lots of good stuff.
Like Toys for Tots, we do this run every year,
For this alone ya should buy him a beer.
We give of our time, and money to children's hospitals is another.
Some of these kids never get a visit,
Not even from their mothers.
So ya see God didn't make bikers
Any different than most others.
He just blessed us with a world
Full of Damn Rigtheous Brothers.
BLIND IN LEFT EYE
MISSING RIGHT EAR
TAIL BROKEN, RECENTLY CASTRATED
ANSWERS TO THE NAME "LUCKY"
Believe it or not, these court transcripts are for real. It's a shame they couldn't record the reactions of the juries.
X or Y
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Dead or Alive?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
A Sexual Problem
Doctor, the embarrassed man said " I have a sexual problem, I can`t get it up for my wife anymore"
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.", said the doc.
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Please take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas" requested the doctor. The woman obliged.
"Now turn all the way round... lie down please... uh-huh, I see... Okay you can put your clothes back on now"
The doctor took the husband aside and explained, "You`re in perfect health, mister. Your wife didn`t give me an erection either".
Signs it's your last day at work...
You hand a bank teller an envelope,
and when she asks, "What's this?"
you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox
and gave her your mail.
As a woman comes into the store,
you turn to the other salesman and say,
"I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn!"
Your boss is standing behind you.
And it's his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in
and look at some confidential information on his computer.
You spill coffee on the keyboard.
It shorts out.
You return from a week's vacation to find
that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation,
not last week.
You take a "sick" day.
The next morning the boss asks you,
"So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"
You wake up hung over.
You have a black eye and barked knuckles.
Your underwear is missing.
You're in jail.
Last night was the company Christmas party.
The Smarter Sex
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
"So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely."
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued,
"And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man,
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
The Magician and The Parrot
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
Look, it's not the same hat
Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table!
Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up.
What'd you do with the boat?
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
The Bear and The Rabbit
Now Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog.
The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts."
They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.
The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes.
You can have three wishes each in this case.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females.
The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr.. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish.
He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.
Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said:
"I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
A Duck Walks Into A Store And Say's "I'd Like Some Lip Gloss!"
The Clerk Say's "Will That Be Cash Or Charge?"
The Duck Say's "Just Put It On My Bill!"
25 Signs that Your Getting OLD
1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
5. You are proud of your lawn mower.
6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
14. You send money to PBS.
15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
16. You take a metal detector to the beach.
17. You know what the word "equity" means.
18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
19. Your ears are hairier than your head.
20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.
23. You can go bowling without drinking.
24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
25. People send you this list.
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."
They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took their sign down and took off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read...
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER...$50.00."
Two law partners hire a cute young secretary and decide to have a contest to see who can fuck her first, even though they're both already married.
Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. "So what did you think?" he asks.
"Ahh," replies the first lawyer, "my wife is better."
Some time goes by, and the second lawyer also gets his chance to boink
the secretary. "So, what did you think?" inquires the first lawyer
To which the second lawyer replies, "You were right!"
Out of Gas
Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan.
The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car. As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove
He stopped, rolled down his window and said, "Excuse me, sisters. I'm not of your religion, but I couldn't help but admire your faith!"
An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said "You are in fine shape for your age, but tell me... do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.
She went out to the reception room and said: " Morris, do we still have intercourse?"
Morris answered impatiently... "If I told you once I told you a thousand times... We have Blue Cross !!"
Talking In Your Sleep
The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
"What's the matter?! Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.
"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.
"Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Why were Adam and Eve so happy?
They didn't have in-laws.
Why do they bury Attorney's 10 feet under.
Because deep down they're really good people.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Q and A
Q: What does a redneck girl say after sex for the first time?
A: "Get off me, daddy! Yore crushin' mah cigerettes!"
Q: How do you make a dead joe float?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q. Why did the turtle cross the road?
A. To get to the SHELL Station
Q: How do you know if you see Ronald McDonald at the beach?
A: He's the only one with the sesame seed buns.
Q: What did the computer say when a man typed something in on the keyboard?
A:"You're really pushing my buttons, little man!"
Q: How did the gay dude know there would be six more weeks of winter?
A: A gerbil popped out of his ass and saw its own shadow!
Q: What's grosser than a pile of dead babys?
A: The live one on the bottom, trying to eat his way out!
Most people have at least once in their lives, read through the singles classified ads. Perhaps wondering what type of person is behind the ad. Maybe some of you have even answered some of them.
Well for those of you that have tried to figure out what those descriptions really mean, one of our subscribers has done it for you!
The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads: