______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ When I was a child, I had a fascination with death. Once, when I was five, me and my family were driving across the high way when I spotted the blinking lights of a cop car, sparkling along the trees. There had been accident, and no matter how hard I tried to look away, I still stared. The whole thing fascinated and amazed my innocent little fiveyearold mind. I never forgot it. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ “The human body is home to all sorts of amazing and wonderful things. This here is the male organ called the penis. It is located in he groin area, between the legs. The Man uses it to push a fluid into the woman’s vagina, called semen, to in order to copulate towards a fetal baby. This type of sexual activity is called intercourse. It is used between married couples as a alternate source of pleasure and to reproducing the species.” He drawled on. I was sitting in Sex Ed. I was in hell. I dreamed off into space about how I wished things were REALLY like that. Just what I needed. That’s not what it was about, at all. It wasn’t as simple and complex as that. People didn’t have sex to make kids, they had sex because either they just simply liked to come, or because they were too sad or fucked up confused to believe they were good enough to say no. The assistant handed everyone a banana and a Trojan condom, explaining a not-so-good English that we were supposed to try and fit the condom on the whole banana, therefore teaching us how to put on a condom “when the time came.” What if the time had already “came”? This was bull. I quickly put the condom on the attitomicly incorrect and sighed. God, this sucked dick. I attempted to sleep. I heard some one yell from the back of the class. “You fucking idiot! You put the condom on like this!!! “ And “At least I don’t know how to put one on, you faggot.” They started punching each other and the aid ran to break them up. Some chick yelled, “Fag’s don’t use condoms! They suck dick raw!”. I glanced at a sign on the wall that read, “It’s alright to be gay. Embrace each others differences.” and I thought about how ironic it was that that was not true at all. No body embraced nobody’s differences. You were different, you got jumped up. So, the chick yelled from the back of the room, “Why can’t you all not use that word!!! So what if somebody’s gay?? Why use “fag” as an insult?? You might hurt somebody’s’ feelings.” She said, obviously very disturbed by the normality of the remark. Some guy in the front yelled back “Save the activist shit for someone else, Doll. “ and he winked at her. She glared at him and sat back down. I knew she'd get some shit later. Let some other moron try and lecture us about sex and discrimination. Whatever. At least we were real. The teachers where in denial about us. We were no fucking Brady-bunch. I considered putting up a complaint about how there were no condom dispensers in the bathrooms, and then thought better of it. Let them dream, I say. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "No you moron. It happened with you having a good time. That’s how. How do you think kids are made??" Zac rolled his eyes, and looked away, looking mad. "Jamie, I hate kids. They scare me. I sure as hell don't want any. " "Neither do I!" I screamed. "Look. Try and stay calm. We'll set you up for an uh, abortion and it'll all work out. It'll be fine, Jamie." He finished with the slightest bit of kindness in his voice he's showed all night. I thought about that. "Isn’t abortion, like, murder or some shit??" I asked, half to myself and half to him. "You've been hearing that trash from that activist chick, Jamie. It's not murder!!! It's a bunch of cells, okay??? It's not a baby yet." "Yeah.... I guess. " I answered, not truly believing. Or sure. What choice did I have??? No one should have a baby into this world. My world. I wouldn’t. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "Fuck that, Taylor! I'm sick of this shit! This bands getting nowhere, and you know it. " Zac exploded, banging his hand against a drum, setting it flying across the room, breaking a window to a recording soundproof room. "I'm though with this shit." He mumbled, sitting down in a chair. Taylor sighed. He was sick of this. What could he say?? "Look Zac, we have to go on. This is our dream. The fans??" He reminded. "Who cares about the fans?? They’re a good fuck, but what do they do for us??" Taylor stared at him. Zac was so messed up lately. It seemed like everything he ever loved he'd thrown down the drain. They couldn’t work together anymore without starting a fight. His dream was gone. His life. Isaac put down his guitar and slowly said "Zac, pull yourself together. We got two more hours rehearsal, and then we have to do this show, no matter what. " Zac snorted. "Shit. What if I don't want to??" Isaac sighed tiredly and replied, "Zac, your fucking 15 for god's sake! Grow up! We have to play, if you want to or not!" Zac sat up and banged his hand on the wall. "Fuck you, Isaac! I'm sick of all this! All this is bull! We tour, we bust our assess playing every night, for what?? FOR WHAT?? To please a whole bunch of teenyboppers?? Face it guys, we don't want this anymore!" Taylor looked away and said nothing. Zac walked out the door. "Zac! If you leave, I swear you'll be sorry!' Isaac said. "Then sorry." Zac hissed, walking out the door. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "Shit Ike.... what if he doesn’t show????? Were in deep shit if...." Taylor trailed ff, taking a drag of his cigarette and looking pained. Taylor was always paranoid. "He will. He always does. He knows this is a very important show, he'll come back. " Isaac was assured. To him self. Taylor wasn’t so sure. "Yeah, I guess. " Taylor replied. A lady walked in, "You guys are out on stage in ten." She yelled. "Where's the drummer? We need all you guys here for the sound check. " "He'll be here soon. He's caught in traffic or something. " Isaac replied, hoping that was really the case. "All right. Sound check in ten minutes, pronto." She left and shut the door behind her. Taylor threw his cigarette into the street and walked back inside, Isaac behind him. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "He's not going to show!” Taylor Yelled. 'I can't believe that ass! What are we gonna do?? we got a show to in front of a half million people that's being aired on TV! " Isaac tried to think. "Maybe he'll still show. " ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Sometimes life doesn’t turn out the way you planned, or wanted it too. I think my life didn’t even decide for me. My life, god chose to look the other way. Everything is fucked up for me, now. Maybe it always has been. I got that abortion, it wasn’t the first time. On some level, it scared me. Hurt me, maybe. It broke through my Armour of steel, my minds shield of pain. I had other things to worry about now.__________________________________________________________________________________________________________ My boyfriend died last year. Car crash. He died Trying to make up for a mistake he made. Maybe you've heard of him. He is..I mean was, in this band called Hanson. That's what dead means. Everything is was. I miss him. More then you could ever imagine. After he died, nothing was ever the same. Hanson broke up. Zac had dreams. Dreams die, I guess. Nothing is ever the way it was meant to be.