exhale (when a person smokes, can you see thier pain?)

God, I was obsessed with this guy. It was really controlling me. My thoughts. I was starting to wonder if there was something wrong with me. Taylor and Katie had gone down to the pool about an hour ago to swim. I said I was going to get my bathing suit on and come meet them down there soon. It had been an hour. I was just sitting on the bed thinking. What was my problem? I felt like I was underwater. Disconnected. His face, his smile just kept running through my head, over and over and over and over. I was delusional. He didn’t like me. He had smiled….He was just being polite. I sighed and got up and locked my self in the bathroom with my bathing suit. I sat down on the bathtub and smoothed my hair with my hands. I’d never felt this way about anyone before. I could feel myself burning, sweet and inviting, at the very thought of him. I had to calm down and go down there or they were going to come up for me. I pulled on my swimsuit and stared at myself in the mirror. With its evil, unflattering Floresant lights I cringed. God, why had I picked out this suit? It looked horrible on me. Made my thighs look big. I walked out of the bathroom and looked around for Katie’s suitcase. Maybe I could find a suit in there to borrow. I shuffled through it and found nothing. She must have only brought one. I had to go. No more stalling. I grabbed my towel and walked down the hall to the elevator. I could feel my mouth getting dry. I felt shaky. I decided I never wanted to see Taylor again. But what was my choice? He was paying for my hotel room. I did want to see more of Katie before they left and toured again. But how could I even look at him? He was too much for me. Too much perfection. I felt worthless next to him. When we were driving in his car, his fucking BMW sports thingy or whatever it was, I had just felt so lost…..like nothing. When he looked at me he left this print, this knowing stare like he was someone and I was nothing. But it didn’t bother me. That’s what scared me. If he wanted to look at me then let him. He knew, he knew… that I liked him didn’t he? Just him looking at me was enough, I can still remember what he said to me too. I’m going nuts. I exited the elevator and followed the noises of the pool. I turned the walkway and stopped dead still. There he was. In a bathing suit. Oh my god, I’m going to lose it aren’t I? I just stood there like an idiot, my hands shaking slightly. I saw two other guys in the hot tub, too. One looked about two years younger then Taylor and had longer hair. One looked maybe 22 or so and had short hair. Shorter then Taylor’s. Curly. I assumed they were his brothers. They were both tanned. “Gail? What took you so long? We missed you! What were you doing? Taking a damned shower? Come and meet Zac and Ike.” I took a deep shaky breath and walked over to the hot tub, never taking my eyes off Taylor. I smiled and said; “Sorry. I sort of got lost trying to find the pool room, you know I’m not good with hotels.” What a fucking stupid thing to say. Katie laughed. “Ok.” I inched my way into the hot tub, suddenly feeling very self-conscious. I crossed my arms over my chest and sat down. Taylor was staring at me. I felt cold, despite the hot water. Why did he do that? Try to look through me? “Gail, this is Zac. Zac, Gail.” Katie in formed me. Zac smiled and said, while staring at my chest, “Hey. Nice to meet you. Katie talks about you all the time.” He looked me straight in the eyes and smiled and added; “Well, aren’t you adorable, eh?” I blushed and looked away. Gail laughed. I was introduced to Ike , who was nice, and Katie and Zac started chatting about something so I found myself zoning out. I was starting to feel hot. The water was too hot. I felt sick. Zac kept looking at me and smiling. I was embarrassed. Why did he keep looking at me? I supposed he was good-looking. He had a nice build and great eyes. But there was something about him that sort of scared me. His sexy smiles. That confidence. I had a bad feeling about him. I looked over at Taylor. He was chatting with Ike about something. I noticed he was smoking a cigarette. He brought it to his mouth and took a long, hard drag, exhaling slowly, the smoke encircling his face then slowly dissipating. The way he smoked was so sexy, so assured. The way he breathed was just intoxicating. I could see half his tanned chest above the water, his developed chest muscles, and his lean muscular arms. I thought I saw a small tattoo peeking up from his stomach. I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t drag my eyes away from him. He was absolutely perfect. His blond hair was falling in his eyes. Then he was looking at me. Straight in the eyes. I couldn’t look away. You know how when you’re caught staring at someone and you want to look away so bad but you can’t? It’s like your locked. He took a slow drag of his cigarette. He tilted his head upward a couple seconds later and exhaled, never leaving my eyes. I licked my lips and finally looked away. I stared at the water and prayed to god I’ve get over this and this hell would be over soon.

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