Quantum Xander 2

It had been two weeks since Xander had been back home. He had convinced his boss not to fire him by explaining that he had left his bride at the altar and felt it was safer to hide out for awhile. His boss laughed and told him he was insane for leaving a hot dish like Anya, then he asked for her phone number.

The evening had been spent tracking down a giant worm demon; Anya's work, obviously, and being surprised by the appearance of Spike. He just showed up out of the blue offering help and prattling on about something big coming from below. They dealt with the problem and now Xander was lying awake in his bed staring at the ceiling. Sleep would not come to him.

Spike was back. He was back in Sunnydale and living in the basement of the new Sunnydale High. That was the thought that kept Xander awake, he had only just found out. Buffy, it seemed, had known for a whole week and didn't see fit to share this information. That wasn't the only thing though. Spike was acting crazy, like he wasn't in his right mind. Like he was...

Xander quickly pulled on his jeans and t-shirt. He stuffed his wallet and keys in his pocket, stepped into his sneakers and left his apartment. He ran down the stairs and out to his car. As he drove toward the high school, he had only one thought on his mind - Spike had a soul. He was in pain and he was all alone living directly over the mouth of hell.

"Hang on Spike, I'm coming." Xander parked the car and used his passkey to enter the building. Being foreman had its perks after all. He remembered that Buffy said Spike was living in a room in the basement. He made his way downstairs carefully. He was on alert for anything oogy that might be down there as well.

Xander flicked his flashlight around the walls and then stopped as he saw something move in the far corner of the room. He watched the spot but there was no further movement.

Xander chuckled at the vampire's reasoning. Only a crazy person would tell you they weren't there and expect you to believe it.

Xander walked closer to where the blonde had screwed himself into a corner, trying as hard as he could to be small and invisible.

"I can see you, too. Come on, Spike. This place is making you nuts; let me get you out of here."

Startled blue eyes looked up with wonder. Spike studied the intent look on Xander's face and then smiled shyly.

"They won't like it. Change the walls they will, make it impossible to leave. Can't leave when the doors disappear."

Xander smiled as Spike took the hand he held out, and he helped him to his feet. He steered the vampire out of the room and back toward the stairs to the main floor of the school. At the door to the stairwell, Spike turned back and stared in horror at something Xander couldn't see.

Spike began to tremble and Xander just caught him before he dropped to the ground. He scooped the shaking vampire into his arms and headed up the stairs. He didn't let go of him until they were back at his car, and then only to open the door and strap him into the passenger seat. Xander got in behind the wheel and started back toward his apartment.

"Why? I hurt the girl. Shouldn't help me, I'm a bad man. William's a bad, bad man."

"No, William is a good man. You stopped, Spike; you stopped yourself before you went too far. You got your soul back just to punish yourself. You're not a bad man. Give yourself time to adjust. You'll be okay, and I'll help if I can."

Xander looked over at the vampire and blinked rapidly; he was scared for a minute that Spike had completely forgotten him.

"I'm Xander, Spike. You know me; we used to live together in the basement of doom."

"No. Not Xander. Xander hates me; you're one of them, here to trick me, hurt me."

Spike began to pull on his lap belt, Xander was afraid he'd jump out of the car while it was still moving. He locked all the doors and put on the child safety lock so there was no way Spike could get out of the car.

"In a manner of speaking, yeah. I grew up, Spike, learned some valuable life lessons. Let's just say things aren't so black and white for me anymore. I know who you are, who you really are and I like that person. I won't hurt you. I promise."

Spike nodded and then turned his head to stare out the window. The rest of the drive back to the apartment was made in silence. Xander parked the car in his spot and then unlocked the doors. Spike didn't make any move to get out of the car, so Xander walked around to his door and opened it.

Spike had fallen asleep in the car. It was kinda cute actually. Xander realised that this was probably the only sleep the vampire had gotten since returning to Sunnydale and taking up residence in the high school. He reached out and gently shook the vampire awake.

"Spike, we're home. You wanna wake up and walk, or am I gonna have to carry you?"

Spike merely blinked in confusion and closed his eyes again. Xander smiled again and gently lifted the vampire out of the car.

He took the stairs up to his apartment, and then set Spike on his feet while he unlocked the door and pushed it open.

Xander nudged the vampire inside and then closed and locked the door. He looked around and realised that he had nowhere to put Spike now that he was here. He hadn't thought that far ahead.

Spike gave Xander another one of those confused looks but headed towards the bathroom to shower as Xander had suggested. Once the door closed and Xander could hear the water running, he stripped and remade the bed with fresh sheets. Then he raided the linen closet for extra blankets and a pillow to make up the couch.

Spike peeked his head around the bathroom door and called out for Xander. Xander left the blankets on the couch and made his way back to the hallway. He looked at the tousled blonde head peeking out of the bathroom and bit his lip to keep from grinning.

"Oh, sure. I put some sweatpants and a shirt on the bed for you. They might be kinda big but they're clean and warm. I'll pick up some stuff for you tomorrow. Okay?"

Spike blinked, nodded and then closed the bathroom door in Xander's face. Xander shook his head and walked away. Insane Spike with a soul was going to take some getting used to. He wondered if Buffy knew that Spike had a soul? No sooner had he thought it then he realised she must know. He wondered how she could leave him there, knowing what he was going through. He heard the bathroom door open and then quick footsteps across the hall before the bedroom door closed with a bang.

Xander put the kettle on and got two mugs down from the cupboard. He didn't have any blood in the house - something he would fix first thing in the morning - but he did have hot chocolate mix and mini marshmallows.

"Hey, Spike! When you finish dressing, come on out to the living room; I'm making hot chocolate."

By the time the kettle boiled and Xander made the drinks - adding extra marshmallows to Spike's - the vampire came out of the bedroom dressed in a pair of Xander's soft grey sweat pants and a long-sleeved navy blue t-shirt that was at least two sizes too big. He smiled shyly at Xander and then sat on the couch.

Xander handed him a mug and sat down next to him. They sipped at their beverages in silence for a while - Spike occasionally hooking a melted marshmallow on his pinkie finger and slurping it into his mouth. Finally, Xander had to ask.

They finished the hot chocolate and Xander stood and stretched. He looked down at the miserable vampire on the sofa and his heart went out to him.

When Spike didn't answer, Xander pulled him to his feet and walked him to the bedroom. He gave him a gentle shove toward the bed and told him to get some sleep. Then Xander went back out to the living room and flopped down on the sofa. He'd need to see about getting Spike a bed of his own tomorrow.

Xander called in sick the next day. He showered, quietly sneaked into his room and liberated some clean clothes from his dresser, dressed and then headed out to procure some blood for Spike so he'd have something to eat when he woke up. He went by Willy's as well as the butcher's, figuring that human blood was better for the vampire than animal; and seeing how thin Spike looked, he could probably use it.

Once he got home, Xander quickly put the blood in the refrigerator and went into the bathroom. In his haste, he had forgotten to perform his scent-masking spell before he left. It wouldn't do him any good to confuse Spike more than he already had, by smelling like him.

It was a relatively simple spell. A few words and a couple drops of a mixture of herbs and pomegranate juice applied to his throat where the scar was. The only drawback was that he had to do it every morning, and with Spike now living with him, he'd have to be extra careful not to forget again.

Xander cracked his bedroom door open and peeked inside. Spike was still sleeping, though it looked as though it hadn't been a completely peaceful night for him by the way the sheets and blanket were tangled around his legs. He still had a few things to do today, so he backed away and closed the door.

The en suite storage in his apartment was almost as big as a second bedroom except without the closet or window that would usually be found in a bedroom. In other words, it was perfect for a vampire.

Xander moved everything out of the storage room and carried it to the living room. There wasn't a whole lot in there to begin with, just some tools for around the house, the Christmas decorations and a few boxes of comic books. He figured he could easily store these things in his bedroom closet now that he didn't need the space for all of Anya's things.

Once the room was empty, Xander swept it out and washed down the floor. He knew Spike was sensitive to strong smells, and the room reeked of dust and newsprint. He propped the door open with one of the kitchen chairs and then sat down at his desk and logged on to the Internet.

It was easy enough to order a bed and dresser on-line and arrange to have it delivered. He figured he had time to run out to Wal-Mart for sheets and pillowcases for Spike's bed before the vampire woke up. Just in case, he left a note on the coffee table telling Spike where he went and that there was blood in the fridge.

Wal-Mart was hellish, as usual. He smiled at the old man in the blue frock and accepted a shopping cart. The one bright spot to being practically guaranteed a short life and a painful death was that he wouldn't have to be that guy when he was old.

Xander stood dumbfounded in the linen aisle. He had no idea what kind of sheets to buy. Obviously plain white cotton was out. Spike would practically disappear on white sheets. If it were his Spike, it would be obvious - blood red silk sheets, or even black. Hell, if it was the Spike he knew before the soul, it would have been the same. Now he had to wonder what William would like to sleep on.

He decided against the typical vampire colours and settled on two sets of cotton sheets - one in navy and one in a deep hunter green. Manly colours, but not vampy.

He headed to the checkout before realising that Spike had no clothes other than the set he'd been wearing. Xander shook his head at the strange turn of events and headed for men's wear. He never would have pictured himself willingly buying clothes for Spike. At least not before his entire world was turned upside down.

He wasn't sure what a newly-souled vampire would want to wear, so he picked up two pairs of jeans - one black, one a faded blue, a package of black t-shirts, a few pairs of boxer briefs - just in case - and a jean jacket - also in black - since he hadn't seen the vampire's duster anywhere.

Having picked up everything he thought he needed, Xander headed for the cashier and got in line. He had just finished emptying his cart when he was touched on the shoulder by a small feminine hand. He spun around to see an amused slayer and younger sister.

"Hey, Buff. Dawnie. Shouldn't you guys be at the high school? Making with the learning and the earning?"

"Same thing. I sort of ruined an entire load of towels the other night. I got that orange goop from the demon all over my hands and my hair, and well, let's just say water and demon slime? So not a good combo in this instance. Oh, that reminds me. You think you could come by later and look at the washing machine?"

"Okay. Hey? Since when did you start dressing like... Oh. My. God. Xander, tell me you are not buying clothes for Spike."

"This isn't what I expected from you, Xander. I thought you'd be angry, that you'd want to stake him."

"Hey, Dawn? You want to go out to my car and get the package out of the glove box? I was going to give it to you later, but since you're here..."

Dawn smiled and took Xander's keys and rushed for the exit. Xander watched her go with a wistful smile on his face. He wondered what had happened to the Dawn of that crazy mixed-up world. Had she survived after Halfrek put them back there?

The cashier began to ring up Xander's purchases and put them in bags. Xander handed over his credit card, signed the slip and then collected his shopping bags. Buffy walked him out of the store.

"You should really watch what you say in front of her, Buffy. She's a lot like you; she'll hold onto a grudge tighter than Anya holds onto a dollar."

"I did a lot of growing up over the past year, er, two and a half months, Buffy. A lot of things happened while I was away."

"And what? It changed your whole opinion of Spike? Angel has a soul; I don't see you out shopping for him."

"I couldn't afford to shop for him. The bill for hair products alone would break me."

Buffy shook her head and smiled fondly at Xander. She saw Dawn approaching and quickly asked,

Dawn was grinning like a kid at Christmas. She threw her arms around Xander and kissed him on the mouth. Buffy and Xander both gaped in shock and then closed their mouths at the same time. Buffy looked at Xander and quirked an eyebrow at him.

Dawn pulled an envelope full of gift certificates to some of the trendiest stores in town out of her coat and handed them to Buffy. Buffy looked through them, adding them up mentally and gaped at Xander.

He threw an arm around Buffy's shoulders and walked her a few feet away from Dawn before bending to whisper in her ear.

"I know things are rough for you right now, financially as well as emotionally. I just thought... well, I don't have to spend money on An anymore and I had the extra cash. Look at her, she's happy. I did that. And if it takes some stress off you, then all the better, right?"

Buffy's eyes welled up with tears and she buried her face into his chest. Xander stroked his hand through her hair, offering her comfort the only way he knew how.

"I love you, Xander. You're the best friend a girl could ever have. I missed you so much."

Xander was amazed to realise that for the first time, there was no ache - no tinge of jealousy at being called 'the best friend' from the girl he had loved since high school. He was happy that she loved him as a friend and nothing more, for as much as he loved her, she was no Spike. And all he wanted now was Spike.

"I have to get going; I have a delivery coming this afternoon I have to be home for. You want a ride home?"

"Nah, I still need to buy those towels, and I think Dawn's just dying to spend your money."

Xander kissed the girls and then jogged off toward his car. He hoped he got home before Spike woke up or the delivery guys arrived with the furniture for the vampire's room.

Spike was improving. He was no longer as crazy as he had been that first week after Xander had brought him home. Now, midway through week two of their cohabitation, the vampire seemed almost back to his old self - annoying habits included.

"Spike! God damn it, I thought I asked you not to leave your wet towels all over the floor?"

Xander stopped. Thought about it and burst out laughing. Spike stepped away from him and eyed him warily. He wasn't sure if he had finally driven the boy around the bend, but if that was the case, he wanted space to run.

"Spike, I already told you, I understand what happened with Buffy, I don't like it, but I do understand it."

Spike sagged onto the couch and put his head in his hands. Xander sat next to him and waited.

"Well, now I know why you're being so decent to me. No one told you; I shagged your girl. I'll just be gettin' my things now."

Xander gaped at the mental image of his ex-fianc�e and Spike... together... doing things.

"Was caught on camera. The geek patrol that was stalking Buffy set up a camera at the shop. Just happened that the witch was trying to track the signal back and came upon the broadcast."

"Well, not so much, actually. More hurt than anything else. Why haven't you hit me yet?"

"Why would I? Anya's not my girl; not any more. I lost the right to be pissed about her having sex with anyone else when I left her at the altar. So what happened? You guys break up?"

"What!? No, wasn't like that. It was... solace. She was hurtin', I was hurtin'. Just sorta happened."

There was silence for the next few minutes while Xander pondered the idea of Spike and Anya. It was definitely a better match then him and Buffy; at least it would have been, before the soul.

Spike, meanwhile, was using the silence to try and figure out who this new Xander was. The boy he'd known would have torn him apart for touching his girls; either of them. He wondered if he'd ever find out just what had happened to him when he'd disappeared. He hadn't had the guts to ask him just yet. Maybe now would be a good time?

Xander smiled beatifically at him; Spike was even starting to think like one of them now.

"Where'd you go? Before I left, everyone was looking for you, it was like you'd dropped off the face of the earth."

"Long story. Let's just say that the word 'wish' should be stricken from my vocabulary."

"You made a wish? After leaving your ex-demon fianc�e at the altar? Not to mention the fact that there were a bloody lot of vengeance demons at that ceremony. Are you insane?"

"I wished I knew how my life could have been different. Spent about ten months jumping around to different realities."

Spike was shocked. He hadn't really expected Xander to tell him anything. And the idea that he had spent the last ten months - to him, two and half months to everyone else - hopping from world to world was mind boggling. He wanted to ask what he had seen; if he thought he had made the right choices in his life after seeing what could have been.

He wondered if there were places where he had made different choices, like not leaving that damn party over a century ago and getting turned. Was there a reality out there somewhere, where William the bloody awful poet had lived; maybe married and raised a family? Maybe a world where he and Dru hadn't gone to Prague and therefore never had reason to come to this damnable little California town. Were they still together? Happy?

"Don't do it, Spike. Trust me; finding out isn't worth the price you have to pay."

There was a note of pain and longing in the young man's voice that brought Spike out of his contemplation. Something had happened during Xander's time away, something that had fundamentally changed him, something that had hurt him beyond his endurance. Spike was determined to find out what it was.

"Well, one possibility was you being recaptured by the Initiative. It wasn't pretty, trust me."

"I wasn't here, in Sunnydale. Therefore no cosy basement to hide out in. It's all interwoven. My life affects everyone else's, in some way or another. So does yours. Think about the implications of that before doing anything stupid. I'm going to my room. Goodnight, Spike."

Xander left the vampire sitting on the couch with a lot to think about. He stripped off his shirt and pants, crawled into bed and liberated the CD player from his nightstand. He popped in the first disc he grabbed and the not-so-soothing tones of The Ramones blasted through the tiny ear buds. Xander closed his eyes and remembered his mate dancing around the room listening to this and singing along. It was a good memory and it made him smile, even as the tears rolled down his face.

Spike heard the muted music coming through the headphones and tilted his head in confusion; he didn't know the boy liked classic punk rock. He walked down the hall and stopped just on the other side of Xander's door. He could smell tears and grief, as well as hear his muffled sobs. He made a decision; tomorrow while Xander was at work he was going to find out what had happened to him. He felt he owed him; for his friendship these past couple weeks, for his own sanity - the power of the hellmouth was making him even crazier than the soul - and his understanding about not only Buffy but Anya, as well.

Spike had no plans for the night so he heated some blood and settled in front of the TV. A&E was doing a biography on twentieth century poets, and if Xander wasn't gonna be around to take the piss with him for watching, he was going to do just that - watch.

The next morning, Spike waited until he was sure Xander was gone for the day before leaving his room and going down the hall to Xander's bedroom. He knew that snooping through the man's things was wrong, but he didn't know how else to help him. Besides, he might have a soul now, but he was still evil; just not in the 'killing, maiming and eating of people' way that he used to be.

The first thing he did was to open the closet. He knew from living with Xander in the basement that the boy hid all his personal things in his closet. He had been impressed by the sheer number of wank magazines the boy had had. This time, however, he was searching for something other than porn; although he had made good use of those skin mags.

Xander's clothes were mostly jeans and shirts that went in his dresser, so there were only a few button-down shirts and two suits hanging on the rod. Spike pushed them aside and froze at the sight of his beloved duster. Only, it wasn't his. He could tell his own coat, and this one, while identical to his, wasn't his.

For one, it had a rip on the left shoulder; his coat didn't. For two, he had left his at the slayer's and it was likely still there. And for three, there was a pair of Doc's sitting on the floor directly beneath it. Spike knew that his Doc's were in his room, under his bed where he kicked them off last night. So, if the boots weren't his, then it made sense that the coat wasn't his either. And that meant that Xander had brought back the duster and Doc's of some other Spike. But why?

Curious, but not really wanting to know any more, Spike righted the clothes in the closet and closed the door. He stood silently in the middle of the room and wondered if he shouldn't just leave this alone, let Xander tell him in his own time. If he told him. It was the 'if' that made his decision.

Next stop, the bedside table. Spike opened it and looked through the contents. A few CDs - decent bands too, some rather interesting sexual accessories - Spike took a moment to appreciate the softness of the leather cuffs before putting them back, and two leather-bound notebooks. Figuring that these would hold the answers he sought, he sat down and opened the first book. Noticeable shock registered on his face as he recognised his own handwriting.

Xander was sitting at his desk eating his lunch and going over some invoices when the door to his trailer opened and Willow stepped inside. He looked up and saw her watching him with interest. He hoped that she couldn't feel the magic on him the way he could on her; otherwise he wouldn't be able to keep his secret.

Xander tried to ignore the feelings of hurt and mistrust that washed over him. He really needed to try and get past this thing he felt for Willow; everyone made mistakes in their youth, after all, and if it weren't for the spell he never would have been cursed and met his mate. Everything else aside, it was worth it; he would go through it all again if given the choice. What he had - hopefully would have again - with Spike was worth everything.

"No. Friend business. Xander, you've been acting weird with me ever since you got back. Why?"

Xander took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He stamped down on the part of him that wanted to leap across the desk and throttle her for everything he had been through. The pain of the bond had been unusually high today and he was in no mood for her to interrogate him. Instead, he turned the tables on her.

Willow flushed and guiltily looked at the floor. After a moment she raised her head and defiantly looked at Xander.

"No, not at first. Spike was gone so it wasn't really an issue, then he was back but crazy so... and now, he's living with you, and Buffy thinks we might need him for whatever is coming so we didn't want to take any chances that you'd dust him."

Black rage filled him. He couldn't believe she had just said that to him. Like he was better off having other people make his decisions? Hardly! From what he had seen of the other Xanders he'd met, the ones who had control of their lives had done pretty damn well for themselves. And yet, Willow stood there in front of him basically telling him that he wasn't able to make the right choices on his own. That it was better to leave him in the dark.

"Who gave you the right to decide what's good for me? I don't think I want you making decisions for me anymore, Willow. I'd rather be hurt and learn from the pain than to have the decision taken from me. Now, if you don't mind, I have a lot of work to do today and you're taking up my time."

Xander hoped she would leave. He wasn't sure how much longer he could hold back the rage that was building inside of him. Willow looked at Xander strangely but turned and left. If she had stayed a few minutes longer she would have noticed how his eyes had turned black and his hair began to blow away from his face like a strong wind had suddenly swept into the trailer. She was back in the car and pulling away from the site when the explosion happened.

Xander hadn't realised how much power he had been drawing into himself as he tried to control his anger with his oldest friend. He was fast losing control over it and knew he had to channel it into something before it got away from him. He hoped to hell that no one was in the porta-potty, and let his power loose on it. He probably should have picked something less... messy.

Thankfully, being on the hellmouth, the crew had seen stranger things than an exploding toilet and were quick to come to the conclusion that it must have been the combination of the sun's heat and methane gas that caused the accident. Xander wasn't about to correct them. He was just glad that Rodney had exited the outdoor toilet before he blew it up. Although, he wished he had waited the thirty seconds it would have taken for the man to move out of range of the... spill. There was nothing sadder than seeing a grown man covered in shit and crying.

For the rest of the day, Xander fought with himself to remain at work. He was in utter agony; the loss of Spike was bad enough, but add to that the backlash from the power he had thrown around earlier and he was surprised he was still functioning. He thanked God that he was no longer on the crew and had a nice desk job now; he'd likely kill himself if he were expected to use tools today. He looked up as Jeremy rapped on the door and stepped inside.

"Just wanted to let you know that Rodney's wife came and picked him up... in an open bed truck; said she was gonna hose him down in the yard before she let him inside."

Jeremy grinned. Xander couldn't help but smile back. The man was a sight, and you had to know Rodney's wife to fully appreciate the situation. She was proud of her home - very proud. He was surprised she let Rodney inside on good days. That house was a sterile environment if he'd ever seen one.

"Yeah, probably that and a whole shitload of bleach. I'm bettin' Rodney is platinum blonde by the time we see him again."

"Yeah, the temp guys got the mess cleaned up. We didn't lose much in the way of materials."

"Good. Thanks for the update, Jeremy. Might as well tell everyone to pack it in for the day, nothing's gonna get done with that smell out there."

Jeremy nodded and left. Xander put his head down on the desk and tried to will away his pain. He was seriously thinking of biting his roommate if he didn't find a way to relieve the pain soon.

After the crew had left, Xander walked out of the trailer, taking time to lock it up, and then headed for his car. He wanted nothing more than to just go home and crawl into bed. Unfortunately, he had several errands to run that couldn't be put off. He had to go to the bank and deposit his paycheck, pick up some spell ingredients - he was going to try a healing spell on himself and see if it helped at all, and there was a book he had on order at the occult bookstore that had arrived this morning.

He was beginning to feel like Michael Douglas in the movie Falling Down. Traffic was never this bad in Sunnydale. He could picture himself just leaving his car in the street and going on a rampage. His day had started off bad and got steadily worse. By the time he got to the bank, it had just closed, leaving him no way to cash his paycheck other than the auto-deposit. He hated that option as it took at least two days before the money actually showed up in his account. Grinding his teeth in frustration, he pulled out of the bank parking lot and headed for the magic store on the other side of Sunnydale.

It wasn't as nice a place as the Magic Box and the stock wasn't always the best quality, but since he had no other options, he made do. The older man - though Xander suspected he wasn't a man so much as he was a demon - who ran the shop was always pleasant to him when he came in. After getting the requisite herbs and other ingredients, Xander headed for the bookstore; if he was lucky, it would still be open - he was later than he had hoped he'd be. The owner of the shop - a small Asian woman - was waiting for him when he pulled up.

Xander looked at the woman curiously. She was older, but not old enough to be calling him 'young one'. All the same, he wanted the book so he followed her inside. She led him to a small table and then offered him tea. As she poured, she looked intently at Xander - it made him feel as though he were naked, that she could see right through him, to his very soul.

"You are touched by darkness, but it hasn't consumed you. The book will wield its knowledge to you. But not until you are ready."

Xander opened the book and looked up the woman; confusion was clearly written on his face. He turned the page. Then another. Then another and another. He looked at her and she smiled.

"You sure this isn't some way of charging me a hell of a lot of money for a book full of blank pages?"

"I would not do that to someone of your power, young one. When you are ready, the book will reveal itself to you."

"I, too, am more than I seem. Fear not, I wish no harm to you or your vampire; he is no longer one of the hunters."

Xander paid for the book and went back to his car in a haze of confusion. He sometimes wondered if he should take the advice that alternate-Willow had given him and leave Sunnydale. His life just got stranger the longer he stayed here.

Spike sat on Xander's bed and read the first entry in the journal in his hands; he had no doubt whatsoever that it had been written by an alternate version of himself. Not only was the penmanship identical, it smelled like him.

So, here I am, William the Bloody with a soddin' journal. Well, I ain't gonna write in it like some bloody chit. So I'll just make like I'm writing this 'cause I plan on letting you read it at some point, okay love?

Xander, I don't know what possessed you to help me, but I am deeply grateful to you. You will never know how close to the end I was, how easily I could have given up hope on ever having a better life. You saved me. Poncy as it sounds, I owe you my unlife.

I can't tell you all the things that I've been through; reliving them just isn't in the cards for me right now. Might just send me right around the bend to think of some of it. The lesser extent of the damage, you already know. I was raped, beaten, tortured, mutilated. I've had things inside me that no vampire should ever have inside them, crosses, holy water, stakes, UV lights.

Spike growled as the words on the page played out in his mind. That kind of torture was unheard of; even demons wouldn't do that to one another. Who the hell had put his other self through that?

You're probably wondering right now what's going on between us, wish I could tell you. Truth is I don't know. I know I want you, I need you - so bloody much I'm afraid of what will happen when you realise how pathetic I am and decide you're better off without me. I know that I don't deserve you, but I'll do whatever it takes to keep you with me as long as I can.

Since this is my book, and I don't have to let you read this unless I want to, I can admit to myself in here that I love you. Don't know when it happened exactly, but I do. Won't tell you though, too scared of running you off.

You've given me back my life, my freedom. You gave me safety, security, loyalty and friendship. You gave me the sun, Xander;

words can't express what that means to me, hopefully someday I'll be able to show you. You make me whole; with you I want to write bloody poetry and read it to you in bed. I used to be a poet, back before I was changed. You bring out the man in me, Xander. That's a good thing.

When I made love to you - and that is what I did - it was because I wanted to, wanted you. I hope you know that it wasn't just sex, that I wasn't using you. I wouldn't, not you - not ever. I'm not ready to let you take me, but it's not because I don't want you, it's just that I'm afraid. Yeah, that's right. The Big Bad is afraid. They hurt me, love. They hurt me so badly I don't know if I'll ever recover. I hope you can understand that, and that you'll be patient.

Spike knew that whoever had done these things to his double had caused him more than just physical damage. They hurt him emotionally; the big bad feared nothing. He'd survived Angelus, for Christ sake. Once again he wondered who had done this.

Meeting you as a vampire has been an enlightening experience - you make a bloody gorgeous demon, love. A part of me wants to turn you so badly it makes my teeth itch. My demon screams out for you. Not because I want to kill you, because I want to claim you, keep you forever. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you now. I need you so bloody much it scares me. The rest of me though, well, the rest of me wants you forever as well, but as you are, warm and human and so bloody perfect. I love dipping into your body, feeling all that heat surrounding me, holding me tight. Bloody amazing. Don't want to give that up any time soon, or at all.

I know you're eager to get home, to get back to your mates and all, but I hope we don't get there too soon. I don't want to share you just yet; I'm selfish that way. I like having you all to myself, holding you close, watching you sleep. I'm afraid I'll lose you when we get to your world. To your friends, your life, your Spike. He must realise what a fine man you are, even if he doesn't say anything. I'm jealous of myself, bloody ironic, innit?

Spike chuckled. Before the soul, that would have made him laugh out loud. Now though, the way Xander had been taking care of him, he could almost understand the sentiment.

You gave me so much, my life, my freedom, your trust, your� innocence. You give and give, Xander. And I take and take. What the hell do you get out of this? I'm no prize, pet. I know that. Wasn't when I was human, nor after I was turned - Angelus wanted to stake me so many times it wasn't funny, even worse now. I can't even be a proper vampire, can't protect you from other humans.

Worthless. That's what I am. I won't tell you that though, figure it out on your own sooner or later. Me, I'm hoping for later. I want to have as much time with you as I can before it all gets blown to shit. Don't know what I'll do then, just wait for the dawn I suppose; ring comes off, after all.

Spike turned the page and read on. He was partway through the next entry when he vamped out and began snarling at the things he was reading.

He reeks of them, Finn, and his boys. I'm surprised Angel can't smell it, maybe he can.
You know they skinned me once? Peeled me like a fucking apple. I screamed, I'll admit. Wouldn't you? One long strip from shoulder to wrist, both sides. Then my legs, ankle to thigh. They laughed while they did it; couple of 'em even jerked off onto my skinless chest and back once it was all finished. I could still smell them, under my skin when it grew back. I had to cut it off again myself to wash away the filth. Wasn't easy, I couldn't reach my back, I ended up pouring holy water on it to burn the skin away.

Riley Finn had done those things? It was almost unbelievable; the Finn he knew was no rapist, he was nothing more than a submissive little shit who got his jollies off having vampires feed from him. He had his head so far up Buffy's ass he could see what she'd eaten for breakfast.

Spike continued to read the journal. He was shocked at the way this Spike wrote about Xander, about the things he had done. It wasn't the boy he remembered; the Xander he knew would never torture a human being. But from what he was looking at, Xander had done just that.

God, my pet bloody amazes me! For a white hat, he has some wickedly cruel ideas in his head. Hells, even Angelus was impressed by him. And that's saying quite a bit; my sire doesn't impress easily.

Xander never even balked once throughout the whole thing. Not when Angelus poured acid on Finn or when he pulled off his fingernails, not even when he rammed the hot poker up his ass. Hells, even I was a bit nauseated by the smell of that; burnt flesh and excrement, not a nice aroma.

The boy seems to have a particular fondness for pulling Finn's teeth. I think he's got all of them now. Kept them too. Don't know why, souvenirs I guess. Like that about him, sentimental fool.

Spike continued reading through the journal wondering if he shouldn't have started with the other book instead. Reading the thoughts of his other self was more than a little disturbing. Knowing that he had been in love with Xander, that Xander had been... intimate with him. He hadn't even known the boy was bent.

The second to last entry in the journal made Spike sit up in alarm on the bed. He desperately wished for a cigarette as he read.

I don't know what deity I have to thank for you, who it is that looks out for helpless vampires, but I owe them a bloody lot of gratitude. I still can't believe you're mine. That you agreed to mate with me has filled my dead heart with a joy that I've never experienced in my long life. Not even Dru made me feel this way and she was my sire.

I'm just sitting here in the dark watching you sleep, seeing my claim on your neck and I feel like I'm going to explode I'm so full of... don't even know how to explain it. Just knowing that you're mine, body and soul, it does things to me. Makes me wish I could shout it out to the world; that Xander Harris loves me enough to bind himself to me forever.

So, what the hell am I doing sitting in a chair watching you sleep when I could be in that bed with you? Holding you? Never said I was the smartest demon around.

If you ever read this, Xander, just know that you've made me the happiest I've ever been. If I had been cursed with a soul, I would have lost it the moment you looked into my eyes and told me you loved me. If I'm dusted tomorrow, I'll go a happy man. Everything I've been through has been worth it, because it led me to you. I love you Xander.

"Soddin' hell. The boy mated to a vampire? An alternate-reality version of me? A non-souled version of me? What the hell was he thinking?"

Spike had heard of vampires taking humans for mates, but it didn't happen too often. Usually the vamp would just turn the human; being the sire gave them the right to claim them as a mate, as well. He never understood why a vampire would want to claim a human as mate, not until Buffy, anyway.

Xander's treatment of him was beginning to make more sense to him now. He only hoped that he wasn't looking to replace what he had lost. He wasn't that Spike, never could be. He had fought too hard, endured too much, to the point of getting his soul back to earn Buffy's love. He wouldn't give up on her loving him. He couldn't.

The last passage in the book was rather detailed and personal. It was enough to make the soul blush in response to the images the demon conjured up to go along with the words. As he read, he knew he'd never be able to look at Xander the same way again.

The things I want to do to you, Xander you have no idea. Tonight? That was just the tip of the iceberg of what I have in store. Spanking your ass 'til it was nice and pink was fun, but someday, oh someday I'm gonna spank you 'til you're raw and begging for me to stop. Then I'm gonna spank you just a little bit more.

Seeing you spread-eagled on the bed, cuffed to the headboard and at my mercy, bloody hell you have no idea what that does to me. You're so beautiful love, so hot. I could look at you forever; see you stare at me with lust and love and longing in your eyes, watch your cock dripping for me, wanting to taste you - you taste exquisite - but making myself wait, knowing it'll be that much better when I finally give in.

I want to get you a piercing, a good sturdy hoop through your nipple. You'll love it; I promise. I think silver would look lovely against your tanned skin. Something I can play with, make you squirm and beg for more. You're so responsive, Xan; the way you took to the whip was unbelievable.

Can't wait 'til I can use it on you proper like. Teasing and soft touches are all good and fun and I know it was torture for you, feeling the softness of the leather as I dragged it over your skin, as I trailed it down between your legs. I knew the cock ring would come in handy; can't have you soiling my new toy. I wonder though, will you use it on me if I ask you? Would you tie me down and whip my back, my ass, mark me? Make me bleed for you? I'd love it, you know. To bleed for you, to beg for you.

'Course, turn about's fair play, innit? I'd want to do all those things to you as well. Would you let me? Would you beg for me so prettily? Call me master? I'd do it for you, be your willing slave. Would you bleed for me, Xander? I love the way you taste; your blood calls to me, makes me hard just thinking about it. I love the way you taste when you cum.

I don't know what we're going to face tomorrow when we go looking for the Master, but I do know that with you by my side, I can face anything.

The rest of the book was empty and Spike felt like he had been left dangling over a cliff. He wanted to know how it ended, what had happened to his doppelganger, how he had been killed. It was obvious that whatever had happened, it had happened not long after this entry, likely the next day. He knew the only way he would get the answers he wanted was to read through Xander's journal. It just felt wrong. At least he had been able to tell himself that because this was Spike's jounal, and he was Spike, he had some right to read it.

It was a flimsy excuse and he knew it, but he had no excuse for reading Xander's. He decided to go and have that cigarette; maybe the nicotine would help him think up some validation for invading the man's privacy.

Spike stood on the balcony and smoked. He'd gone through seven cigarettes already and still had no excuse for what he knew he was going to do. He looked around the shaded-off area of the balcony he was standing on and smiled. Xander had been adamant about him not smoking inside; but instead of simply expecting him to go without a smoke during the day, he had carefully screened off a section of the balcony for him to use. It was little things like this that had made him wonder what the man was up to in the first place.

The first morning he had awoken in Xander's bed he was disoriented. He had a nagging feeling that something major had happened and he didn't remember any of it. Slowly it came back to him; being in the basement, seeing Dru, Angelus, The Master, A.D.A.M., Glory, even Buffy. All of them taunting him with his failures. He began to lose himself, his grip on reality. Then Xander came.

He remembered being crazy, saying the most insane things about hall passes and disappearing doors. Xander had dismissed his worries and taken him out of there, going so far as to carry him when he collapsed in grief.

He remembered Xander sending him to shower, giving him clean, warm clothes and making him hot chocolate before sending him to bed - his bed. The fact that Xander had taken the couch for him said a lot. As he lay there that first morning, he wondered when it was that Xander had been replaced, and who this new Xander was. He wondered if the scoobies were aware of the change.

Things only got worse when Xander came home. He had not only brought Spike a mug of warm blood, but he'd given him clothes - new clothes - that he had paid for himself. Then he told him about the spare room. Spike had been stunned by the gesture, and wanted to know what he had done to the real Xander, and the boy laughed in his face and told him he was sorry.

That was the strangest thing ever. Xander had apologised to him, for things he had no reason to feel bad about. It wasn't as though he had been any better to the kid before or after the chip. Spike had accepted the apology, made a few of his own, and they seemed to move on from there. But he still had no idea why Xander had changed, or what it meant. It made him uncomfortable; if he had changed, he could change back. Spike didn't want to get comfortable only to be thrown out on his ass.

That was why he wanted to know what had happened to Xander. Finding out about the curse had answered some of his questions; he knew how situations like that could make you grow up fast. He had still had too many unanswered ones though, so he'd resorted to snooping. Now, knowing that Xander had been mated to his alternate - one of his alternates - he had to know the whole story.

Spike - the one who'd written the journal - had mentioned a couple of times that they had taken a third into their bed, or the hotel lobby, in Angel's case, and Spike had damn near choked reading that. The very idea that Xander would fuck Angel, of all people, made him doubt his sanity once again. The thing about him and two Spikes was much easier to understand. If he was attracted to one, why wouldn't he be attracted to another? Which brought up the question of 'what exactly did Xander want from him?'.

Spike ground out his cigarette and went back inside. He walked straight back to Xander's room and picked up his journal. He was damned already, so he might as well read it.

As the minutes passed, Spike read through Xander's words and felt like he was there with him. Xander babbled on paper the same way he spoke. He could tell the young man was frightened but trying to deal with this new situation the same way he always did; accept it and move on - with humour, if possible.

The way he wrote about his one double and the crazy slayer - Faith - made him chuckle; he just couldn't see the boy settled down as Joe Normal. He snorted at his opinion of Angelus after the demon reality; of course he had cursed after reading what the boy had been through there, and the nightmares that followed. He was kind of glad his other self had comforted the boy. He was still freaked out about the being-owned-by-Riley thing. He couldn't hold in the laughter at the image of Xander and Wesley Wyndham-Pryce together. Angel's watcher was a bigger prig than Rupert.

The time seemed to fly by as he lost himself in the story Xander had woven. He felt the highs and lows of the man's journey, blushed at the imagery some of the pages produced and cried along with him as he read about his pain after losing his mate. The tears of pain turned to those of amusement at the idea of a female Xander carrying his child. He bet the boy wasn't too happy about it, especially as it was Buffy that had cursed him.

He wondered how the boy had survived all that, no one to lean on, not knowing if he'd ever get home. It was no wonder he was being so kind to him. This man knew who he was - who he really was. There was a reason why he still acted so much the same even now that he had a soul; William had always been a part of him, and now Xander knew that.

He wasn't sure how to deal with this information. He was being given an opportunity here to let someone see the real him, the man he had always been underneath all the fronting and bravado. Someone who already knew who he was and accepted it. He could finally just be. All he had to do was let Xander in.

He read the entry about him and Buffy. How Xander had finally figured it out. He felt a mix of joy and pain. Joy that Xander would accept the fact that he loved her, and that if Buffy ever gave him another chance he would be supportive of them; but he felt pain for Xander, for having even a slight chance of being happy when Xander's mate was dust. He turned the next page and saw that it was the last entry of his journey. He sighed and debated on turning the page. He had his answers, and anything else in that book was about the here and now. He knew he had to put the book away but he watched as his traitorous hand turned the page. He read.

I haven't written since I've been back. It just seems so weird; this was a part of a life I no longer lead. I'm home now, no unexpected shifts into alternate realities, no meeting other Xanders out there and finding out what their lives are like. No wondering what the next place will be like.

Life here is simple compared to that. I get up, I go to work - yes I still have my job. Thanks Anya! - I come home, shower, eat, go to Buffy's, patrol, and then come home to bed. Well at least I did. That all changed yesterday. While at Buffy's place getting ready to head out, Spike showed up. I almost swallowed my tongue.

I admit it hurt to see him, he was so beautiful in this tight blue shirt, hair freshly bleached. He looked like a wet dream. And he only had eyes for Buffy. I realised then that my life had just taken on new levels of pain. He's not my Spike, but he's still Spike, and it hurts knowing he loves her.

I was lying in bed trying to figure out what was different about him when it dawned on me - Spike has a soul. I went to the high school and brought him home with me. I was so angry at Buffy; I mean how could she just leave him there? But then I realised she was scared. Of him, of herself, of what she feels. I know Buffy, and she wouldn't have spent all that time with Spike, sleeping with Spike if she didn't feel something for him. It's so much easier for me; yeah I'm a guy and no one knows I'm bisexual yet, but she's a slayer, and she's having emotional feelings toward a demon.

Yeah, it's happened before - Angel - and look how well that worked out for her, and Spike didn't even have a soul. I think that's what made it worse, he tried to rape her; he proved to her just how soulless he was and even though she was angry, even though she was scared, she still felt for him. Now, well, now he goes out and does the one thing that he knows will hurt himself the most just to give her a reason to let herself love him, and she doesn't know how to deal with it. For all Angel's declarations of love, without his soul, he hated her. Spike loved her without a soul and got one just to prove it. From her perspective, it's kinda scary.

So now I have Spike here, and set up in the storage room. I bought him a bed and a dresser, sheets, pillows all the basics. The fridge is stocked with blood; I got him some clothes and asked him to stay. You know what he said? He asked who I was and what I had done with the real Xander.

I miss my lover. At night I crawl into an empty bed; cool sheets caress me instead of cool flesh. I sleep with a pillow spooned to my chest instead of my mate. I see him in my dreams and he smiles at me, holds me close, tells me he'll never leave me. But then I wake up alone and the pain starts.

I haven't found anything to deal with it yet. Sometimes it gets so bad I think I might die. The other night on patrol I was almost killed by a fledgling. If it weren't for the claim I think he would have gotten me. He hissed out 'Spike' just before Buffy came up and dusted him from behind. I'd forgotten all about the scent on me from Spike's claim. I found a spell to mask it the next day, I've been using it ever since. Good thing too, or I would have had a lot of explaining to do when Spike showed up like that. It was bad enough when Nancy asked if there was anyone there who hadn't slept with each other. I'm sure from the look he gave me he could smell my arousal.

I do find him attractive; I mean he's Spike. Physically, he's identical to my mate. But he's not him. I can't pretend he is, either. I don't want to. I didn't bring him home for that. I took him in out of friendship, out of compassion. I only want my Spike, no others. There has to be a spell out there somewhere, and if there is, I'll find it.

Spike closed the book and put it away. He had some ideas of how he might be able to help Xander, but he didn't know how to go about it without telling him he had read his journal. If that other Spike's blood had helped with the pain, then he was more than willing to bleed for him. And of course, there was the little issue of Darla. If some hotshot law firm was able to bring her back, then there had to be a spell to raise the undead. He just needed to find a way to let Xander know without tipping his hand.

Xander pulled into his parking spot and turned off the engine. He really liked his new car; it was such an improvement over his Uncle Rory's old wreck. He stepped out, retrieved the book and the bag of herbs and then locked the car. As he turned around, he let out a very unmanly shriek as Anya appeared right in front of him - demon face to the fore.

Anya laughed and reverted to her human guise. She shook her head fondly at the man she had almost married.

"No, if I were trying to do that, I would have succeeded by now. I just came to see how you are doing. So, how are you doing?"

"Oh. Are you angry? Because you have no reason to be. You left me, and Spike was just as sad as I was. It was comfort. And really none of your business, as I already said."

"I'm not angry. Not at you, or Spike. I understand why, I just... well, I found out, and when I asked Willow if she had ever planned on telling me, she told me that they were keeping it from me on purpose. That they decided I was better off not knowing. I'm so tired of other people making my decisions, of not having control over my own life."

"Xander, I think you should tell them what happened. If you want to keep your friends you have to be honest."

"No. What she did was wrong. But keeping the truth from people won't make your problems go away."

"All right. But do it soon, okay? Maybe you could start with Spike. He'd be the easiest to talk to, and once that's out of the way, you could find out if he's interested in having orgasms with you. He's very good."

"I don't want to have orgasms with Spike. I just want to be friends. And no, before you say it, I don't want to be orgasm-friends with him, either. He loves Buffy, and he's not my Spike."

Anya disappeared and Xander headed for the front of the building. He honestly missed Anya's strange ways. For all her bluntness, she tried to be a good friend to him, even after he'd left her at the altar. Not many women would forgive a guy for that. Not many vengeance demons, either.

He made his way up to his apartment, still mulling over the strange conversation he had had with the woman at the bookstore and then the even stranger one with his ex. He wasn't sure if he should talk to Spike. He wasn't sure he could talk to him. Spike had enough problems right now; he didn't need Xander adding to them.

As he walked inside, he smelled a familiar scent that prickled at the back of his mind. He followed it and found the vampire in the kitchen, a bloody knife in his hand, a few chopped vegetables in a bowl and a puddle of blood on the counter. He frowned at the scene. Spike spun around, pushing the bleeding digit into his mouth and smiling sheepishly at Xander.

"Sorry. Was going to surprise you with dinner, but I made a right mess in here."

Xander smiled indulgently and went into the room. He pulled Spike's finger from his mouth with a wet slurping sound and examined the wound. He had to stop himself forcefully from licking the tip where blood began to well up once again.

Spike headed for the bathroom and Xander grabbed a roll of paper towels and the spray bottle of all-purpose cleaner. He looked at the puddle of crimson liquid on the counter and then decided �what the hell�. He was desperate, after all, and he ran his finger through the sticky mess and brought it to his lips.

He closed his eyes as the taste washed over him, taking him back in time to the first time he had drunk from his mate. His cock leapt to attention and his eyes snapped open. He quickly finished, swiped his fingers through the blood again and licked them clean before spraying down the counter and tossing out the vegetables. What the hell had Spike been thinking anyway? Who ate cucumbers and eggplant together?

Spike watched from his vantagepoint in the hallway. It had been a good plan on his part, clumsy kitchen accident. No fuss no muss. Xander got what he needed and Spike didn�t have to confess his crimes. He still felt bad about snooping, but knowing he could help Xander made it worth it. It gave his soul some peace. Unfortunately, the wall of pheromones that had hit him had left him rather in desperate need of a wank.

He waited until Xander had finished cleaning up the blood and throwing out his admittedly poor attempt at dinner - he could actually cook if he wanted to - before going back into the room. A quick glance down told him Xander was just as hard as he was. He smirked.

"Right. Uh, want company? Been a few days since I whaled on anything. Could use a spot of violence."

Pizza was ordered and eaten, Spike dipping his crusts in his blood. They suited up and headed out into the night. The walk over was made in companionable silence, interrupted occasionally by easy banter. Xander thought that Spike might be starting to open up to him.

Buffy was surprised to see Spike at her door; since the night of the giant worm demon, he had kept a pretty low profile. She knew he was trying to give her time and space and she appreciated it. She knew that the Spike standing in front of her now was not the same man who had attacked her. He had changed - willingly, for her.

They followed Buffy into the house and looked around at the grim faces of the other scoobies. Tara and Willow were curled up together on the end of the sofa; Willow was stroking her hand through Tara's hair. Dawn was sitting in the chair by the far side of the room looking decidedly green.

Xander hadn't seen the gang this down for some time. He wondered what in the hellmouth had happened this time.

Buffy was in full-on slayer mode. She hated it when her vocation affected her sister's life. It was just not fair as far as she was concerned; Dawn was just a kid, she shouldn't have to deal with all of this.

Willow's contribution to the conversation. As soon as the words left her mouth, Tara shuddered in her arms and she resumed soothing her. Xander looked at Spike and raised an eyebrow.

"Ewww, and gross, Spike. I was simply wondering if you had any clues on what kind of demon eats skin."

"...but he prefers the extra-crispy chicken variety. He wouldn't eat a human if you paid him."

"Well, maybe if you paid him. But it'd have to be a bloody lot of money. You people aren't as clean as you look, you know?"

The collected group of 'eeww' faces made Spike wonder if he'd said too much. Then Xander laughed, followed by Tara's delicate giggle, finally followed by an unladylike snort from Dawn.

"What? S'bloody true! Humans are full of diseases, and you sweat, and your skin attracts dirt and..."

"Spike, I think they're laughing at the irony of a vampire - a creature who haunts cemeteries and claws its way out of the grave lecturing about cleanliness."

Buffy raised her eyebrow at him and then smiled as Spike realised she had a point. While he himself preferred to be clean, he had to admit that hygiene wasn't your average vamp�s first priority. Or their tenth priority, to be honest.

"...do the book thing. Xander? You with us or staying to help with the research?"

It was a casual offer, but Xander could tell she wanted him to accompany her. He shrugged his shoulders and walked toward her and Spike.

"You know me, not so much with the book thing. Think I'll accompany you guys, maybe I'll get a chance to throw myself at something particularly nasty."

The trio headed out into the darkened streets of Sunnydale while the three who were left behind hit the books and checked out the demons on-line. It was Dawn who finally found something.

"Look! Right here it says the demon Gnarl is a parasitic demon who paralyses his victim with a poison secreted through his fingernails - more like claws actually, and then cuts strips from their skin. Oh, yuck. He does this while they're still alive."

"You wouldn't, he eats it. And furthermore, he drinks the blood, licks it up like a cat. There was no blood; this is our guy. Come on, we gotta find the others and tell them what we've found."

It was several hours later when they all stomped wearily into the Summers� house. They had found the demon; he had been hiding in a cave. Unfortunately, he was having dinner when they got there. It was too late to save the girl; she was already dead, but they killed the demon.

Dawn - hands on her hips and a scowl on her face - stared at Xander and Spike. They grinned and shrugged their shoulders.

"But it didn't, Xander. It happened to me, and you guys... posed me! Like I was a life-sized Barbie doll or something!"

Xander grinned. He couldn't help it. Buffy was fighting the demon and he and Spike were guarding Dawn after she had gotten too close and the demon had scratched her. It was purely an accident that he realised she was moveable. It had been Spike's idea to pose her like Buffy. Putting a stake in one of her hands, placing the other one on her hip and then moving her mouth into a scowl. It was funny. He had to play too.

"Well yeah, but at least I didn't make you stick your tongue out and go cross-eyed."

"Oi! You were the one who tried to make her look like some soddin' B-movie vampire. Honestly, Xander, claw hands and a big show of teeth? I thought you were more familiar with us vamps than that."

Dawn watched as the two men left the house together, talking and laughing as they went.

Dawn smirked as three women stood gaping at her. Oh yeah, she still had it. She smiled and headed up to bed.

The next week was crazy. Xander had felt more like himself since Spike's accident in the kitchen, but the vampire was acting more than a little bit weird. Xander would catch him smelling him sometimes, and he stared at him a lot. Especially at his neck. It was giving him a wiggins. Not that he thought Spike would bite him; it was just that soul or no, he was a vampire, and Xander understood that a whole lot better than he used to. The worst part was, Xander remembered how a bite felt when it was done right, how it made him hard and left him wanting; he wasn't sure if he'd even defend himself if Spike attacked. Again, not that he thought he would.

After the incident at the site, Xander had tried to keep a tight rein on his anger. He certainly didn't want to end up losing control or doing anything like that again. So, he put aside his anger and mistrust of Willow and tried to fit back into the goofy-Xander place he had vacated when the curse came into effect. It seemed to be working; no one noticed that his efforts were half-hearted at best. No one, that is, except Spike.

They had spent the evening tracking down some high school punk who was using a magic-ed jacket to get all the girls to fall for him. It worked well, as not only was Dawn swooning over the creep, but Xander had walked into a Mary Kay Letourneau situation with him and the Buffster in one of the empty classrooms.

He had taken Spike with him to get the coat, seeing as how RJ had shown up at the Summers' house and mojo-ed both Willow and Anya as well. Good thing they had stopped by; Willow was all set to turn him into a girl. God only knows what An had been up to. Something involving grand larceny, he was sure.

So with the coat in his hands, Xander led Spike back to Buffy's place where they burned it. Just your average evening's entertainment here on the hellmouth. He wondered why it was they didn't have more tourism. "Come for the sun. Stay for the possession!" They could make a fortune selling novelty shirts that read "My parents vacationed on the Hellmouth and all I got was this stupid t-shirt, an extra eye in the back of my head, and the memories of an ex-Green Beret." It was catchy if not original.

Now they were home, two men vegging in front of the TV, drinking beer and watching soccer - Xander refused to call it football no matter how many times Spike corrected him. It was... comfortable, easy, relaxing, and God he just wanted to scream with the frustration of it all.

Spike was miserable. Buffy had been making eyes at her boss, not to mention riding one of the students. Xander was miserable, as well. He felt uncomfortable around his friends because they all wanted to know what had happened and he wouldn't tell them. He was trying to learn how to control his magical powers but he wasn't having a lot of success - blowing up the john had been the only thing that had gone right, and he was horny as hell. He had gotten used to keeping up with his mate's sexual appetites and he felt the absence of sex very acutely.

Spike was sniffing him again. It was very discreet, and if Xander hadn't been waiting for it, he wouldn't have noticed. As it was, he was highly irritable so he snapped at the vampire.

"Oh you would! You... Hey! No fair cheating. We were having an argument, buddy. You can't blindside me with humour."

"You. Are a funny vampire. Funny, funny vampire. Maybe we should put you on stage; you could be the undead Jerry Seinfeld."

"No. You smell... actually you smell fuckin' amazing. For some reason, you've always smelled good, like fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies. But lately? It's... overwhelming. I'm surprised every demon on the hellmouth hasn't been gunning for you. You are the demon equivalent of prime rib, Xander - with all the trimmings."

An hour later and the game was finished. Xander didn't remember much about it after talking to Spike. He spent the rest of the time trying to figure out how to mask his scent to the demon population of Sunnydale. The last thing he wanted was to go around smelling like a steakhouse while out on patrol. He switched off the television absently and closed his eyes. He was getting a hell of a headache. He tried a few of the meditative breathing techniques he had read about while trying to learn how to focus his control, hoping they would ease the pain a bit.

He was in a light doze when he felt cool finger at his temples, gently circling, applying just the slightest bit of pressure. Spike had amazing hands, Xander had almost enjoyed having headaches in the past because Spike would always scoot in behind him - just like he was now and ease the tension for him.

Spike shook his head fondly; he could feel the tension radiating out of the man and knew this would help. He had waited until Xander was in a light doze before moving into position behind him. He admitted he had an ulterior motive; he was trying to see if Xander had a scar, since he couldn't smell a claim on him. He smelled like magic though, so there was a good chance he was masking it.

Xander was in his happy place. Reclined against Spike's cool chest, gentle fingers rubbing small circles on his temples, he only wished for the purr; that would make everything perfect. He would fall asleep if only Spike would purr for him.

Spike gently moved Xander's head to the side and gazed into the open collar of his shirt. There it was, plain as day if you knew what you were looking for. A scar; a claim. His claim. It was identical to his mark - every vampire worth his salt knew the look of his own bite, as well as the bite of his family, and their enemies, for that matter. It kept you from mistaking another master's pet for a random meal. The demon within him reacted at once to the visual stimulation. Having felt alone and unwanted for so long, it grabbed onto this lifeline and held it tight. Spike felt the demon's satisfaction as it rumbled happily. It wasn't alone; it had a companion - a mate - even if it wasn't technically his. He was the only "Spike" in this reality.

Xander mumbled happily and then fell asleep to the feel and sound of Spike purring - content for the first time since getting his soul - behind him. Eventually, all good things had to come to an end and Spike lifted Xander into his arms and carried him to his bed. He deftly stripped him out of his shirt and jeans and with a soft kiss to his forehead tucked him in and whispered goodnight. Xander smiled in his sleep and whispered back.

Spike smiled sadly and left the room. He wanted to believe that the words were meant for him, even though he knew better. It wasn't as though he was in love with Xander; his heart still belonged to Buffy. But he was lonely, and having someone who loved him, even in friendship, would be nice right about now.

Xander had woken early in the morning feeling refreshed and happy. He had had the best dreams; Spike had been here, talking to him, holding him and kissing him. They had made love over and over. He felt... sated. He rolled onto his back and stretched.

Xander squeaked and sat up. He hadn't expected anyone to be in his room. He panicked, thinking that somehow he had taken advantage of his roommate in his sleep. But that wasn't Spike-with-a-soul in his bed. It was Spike - his Spike. Dark hair, twinkling blue eyes; he was beautiful.

Xander scrambled out of bed and stood trembling by his bedroom door. He wanted so badly to just throw himself into Spike's arms and cry in relief. But he couldn't trust what he was seeing. Spike was gone; he knew this.

Spike climbed out of bed and walked toward Xander. He was naked and hard and Xander looked at him and he wanted him. He stepped toward him holding out his hand. Spike stopped just out of reach and shook his head sadly.

"Not corporeal, am I? Nothing but dust in the wind - or a pot as the case may be. Besides, you don't need me. Got a perfect replica across the hall. He's got a soul and everything; no reason for your mates to get testy or anything."

"Really? Then why'd you tell him you loved him last night? Wasn't me that carried you to bed; wasn't me that undressed you, that kissed you goodnight. It was him. It was him that you smiled at, that you spoke words of love to."

As Xander tried desperately to remember the events of the night before, the image of Spike in front of him began to change. His hair lightened, his body thinned out and his eyes lost the spark of life within them. He looked like he had when they had first met. When he had been with Riley.

Spike's skin became mottled with bruises; scars appeared on his chest and abs, his skin began to peel away in strips. Xander shook his head in denial. He didn't want to see this.

Spike's image changed again, this time to what he looked like just after his hand had been severed. Xander sobbed and stepped toward him again.

"Hmm, doesn't help though, does it? I'm still gone, and you're all alone. Doesn't have to be that way, love."

Xander didn't understand what Spike was talking about at first but when the realisation hit him, he backed away from Spike instantly. He looked again at the image in front of him.

"No. You're not Spike. He would never ask me to die. I don't know what you are but it won't work. Whatever it is you're up to, you will fail."

"But I love you. I don't want him, only you. Please. I know what's really in your heart; you'd take him in an instant if he offered. Use him up; pretend he was the real thing. You're not the pure soul you pretend to be, Xander; I know what you're capable of - all that darkness inside you. You've got a taste for it now, don't you? It's the end of the world, lover. Whose side are you going to be on? From beneath you it devours."

Xander watched - shocked - as Spike's face distorted, his grin growing wider and wider until he turned inside out and disappeared. Xander dropped to his knees and wept. He was still crying minutes later when Spike knocked softly on his door. He didn't even register the door opening or the vampire crouching down in front of him.

Xander's hand shot out and grabbed the startled vampire. He raised his eyes to look at him and sagged in relief.

Xander chanted, as the tears flowed freely. Spike was starting to become increasingly worried about the man and pulled him up off the floor. He led him out to the kitchen and propped him on one of the kitchen stools before setting about to make coffee. When it was finished, he slid a heavily sweetened mug of it in front of Xander and waited for him to drink before asking what had happened.

"Yeah, been hearing that a lot lately, Xander. You don't talk to your friends, you don't talk to me; you need to talk to someone, luv. You're fallin' to pieces here, Xan and it's worrying me."

"You hear that? You got me, the Big Bad, worrying about your sorry arse. Come on, Xander, out with it. What the hell's going on with you?"

Xander drank some more of his coffee and then looked at the vampire who was leaning casually against the counter. He looked the very picture of disinterest, unless you knew him, and Xander did know him - intimately.

Xander began his tale starting with the morning he woke up in an empty apartment. Spike knew the basics, having read the boy's journal, but wanted to hear Xander tell it. It took awhile to tell, and Xander had stopped a few times in the telling, once to call off work for the day, and a couple other times just to gather strength before telling about a particularly horrid event. By the end of it, Xander was shaking and crying and being held by a very confused vampire.

Spike sat at the bar and drank his beer in silence. He was trying to figure out what to do about his conflicting emotions. After hearing what had happened to Xander, all of it, including his visit that morning by something pretending to be his mate, he had held the man in his arms as he wept.

His demon felt the need to soothe him, and the man in him agreed wholeheartedly. Xander had been more than kind to him since his return and he wanted to repay him. But he was beginning to feel things for him that he had no business feeling. He loved Buffy. He had gotten his soul for Buffy. Of course he knew that Xander didn't want him; well okay, maybe he wanted him but he didn't love him. He was grieving for his lover - his mate - and was trying to find a way to bring him back. At least that had given him the chance to tell him about Darla. He expected Angel would be getting a phone call sometime soon.

A pretty blonde girl slid onto the stool next to him and set a package of cigarettes on the bar in front of him. He nodded to her and she smiled. They started talking, small talk - decent band tonight, that sort of thing. All the while Spike was wondering if Xander was all right. He had convinced him to take a sleeping pill and make an early night of it before leaving the apartment. He needed time and space to put his head on right.

Buffy would be out there right now somewhere in one of the many cemeteries this quaint little town had. She'd be patrolling, fighting for her life possibly, and he should be there with her, protecting her. He stood to go; the girl stood as well. He offered to walk her home and she accepted.

He didn't remember much after that. He had woken up at home in his bed. He felt unusually well. Full, and his demon was sated. He got up and wandered across the hall to check on Xander. He quietly pushed the door open and peered inside.

Xander was sleeping peacefully. He was glad for that; after hearing what he had been through and about the visit from the evil that had pretended to his lover, he wondered if the man would sleep at all. That was the reasoning behind the sedative.

Spike closed the door and went out to the living room. It was just a few hours before dawn and he knew from experience that there would be nothing but infomercials and repeats of Gilligan's Island on the television. So, he dug a book out of the couch cushions where he had stashed it a few nights ago and sat down to read.

It was bright outside; he was lying on the beach watching the waves. He closed his eyes and let the heat of the sun and the sound of the waves crashing on the sand soothe him. He had always loved the ocean and wondered why he didn't take the time to go there more often. He felt a cool hand slide across his chest and smiled as soft lips caressed his cheek.

"I miss you."

"I'm always here, love; told you I'd never leave you."

"But you did. You're not here anymore."

"Sure I am. Can't you feel me?"

Spike continued to pet Xander; he ran his fingers lightly over his arms and shoulders before kissing his neck - directly over his mark. Xander shuddered and pressed into his lover with a sigh.

"Right now I can, and it's wonderful, but I can only feel you when I sleep. I want more."

"I know, love, but this is all we have right now. Besides, you can still feel me - in here."

Spike tapped Xander's chest right over his heart.

"Just like I can feel you. You're a part of me, remember? Just like I'm a part of you. My being dust doesn't change that. Mine, forever mine."

And then Spike kissed Xander softly.

"I have to go, love."

"No, not yet! You just got here."

"I know, but our time is short these days. There is something coming, love, something big. You need to wake up and go see your slayer friend."

Xander clutched Spike to him with all the strength he possessed.

"Just a few more minutes, please, Spike. I miss you so much."

"Okay love, okay."

Spike pressed his lips to Xander's and kissed him again. The sounds of the ocean faded out as the real world came crashing back with an annoying buzz.

Xander reached out and slapped ineffectually at his alarm clock. He could still feel the effects of his dream. The sound of Spike's voice, the taste of his lips. He sighed and rolled over, grabbed his clock and turned off the alarm. He didn't want to go to work today; he wanted to go back to sleep and dream of his mate. But he had taken yesterday off and if he wanted to keep his job, he had to go in today. Besides, he had to see Buffy as well. He would drop in on her at lunchtime and tell her about his visit yesterday.

The morning had crawled by. Every time Xander looked at the clock, he sighed. He didn't want to talk to Buffy, but he knew he had to. He just didn't know what to tell her. That he had been visited by something that looked like his dead lover? Not gonna happen, 'cause hello? No one knew about his Spike, or anything else that had happened while he'd been gone. So what then? Tell her he had been visited by a dead person who said the end of the world was coming? Yeah, that'd go over well.

Xander picked up the phone and dialled Sunnydale High. He waited to be connected with "Miss Summers'" office and smiled. Whoever thought Buffy would end up a guidance councillor? Not him, that was for sure. It made sense though, that the slayer's day job would be directly over the hellmouth. Actually, it was a bit too much of a coincidence for his liking. Maybe he'd do a little poking around into the new Principal's history. Make sure he wasn't evil or anything.

"Hey, Buff. You doing anything for lunch? .... Great. You want me to pick you up or meet there? .... Okay, I'll see you shortly."

Xander grabbed his jacket and left the trailer, locking it behind him. He nodded and waved to various guys on the crew on his way to his car. He couldn't help but chuckle at poor Rodney. Whatever he had used to wash with had dried his skin so badly it was red and blistered. He wondered if Jeremy hadn't been right after all - he could see Rodney's wife dousing him with bleach.

As Xander drove, his mind drifted back to earlier that morning. He had staggered out to the kitchen to set the coffeemaker before getting in the shower. On his way past the living room back to the bathroom he had noticed Spike asleep on the couch. He had a book resting open and face down on his chest, one arm over his eyes, the other dangling off the couch and resting on the floor. His legs were straight, feet crossed at the ankles and he was barefoot. Actually he was bare-chested as well, just wearing the light blue denims that Xander had bought him.

With the feelings the dream had brought on so close to the surface, he found himself subconsciously moving toward the sleeping vampire. Then his mind threw up the image of that thing that had impersonated his mate - telling him that he was dark, that he would use this beautiful creature in front of him to satisfy his own needs. That was just the bucket of cold water he needed. He had left the room rather quickly and jumped into the shower. Turning the water on cold. By the time he'd come out, Spike had gone to bed. Xander poured coffee into a travel mug, grabbed a couple of packages of blueberry muffins and left.

As he entered the parking lot for the high school, he took a couple of deep, fortifying breaths and tried to be calm. Buffy waved to him from across the lot and he slowed the car as she came toward him. He pulled to a stop and she opened the car door and climbed in.

Xander knew he looked washed out. The bags under his eyes had luggage of their own; he hadn't bothered to shave, and he barely bothered to finger comb his hair after his shower.

"I talked to this vampire last night on patrol, he went to school with us - Holden Webster; ring any bells? Anyway, we fought for a while, then we talked - it was way weird - he was a psychology student or something before he died."

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking too. Anyway, he helped me to realise a few things about myself, but that has nothing to do with what I need to ask you. Xander, he told me he was sired by Spike."

There was a deathly quiet in the car while Xander absorbed that bit of information. Then Buffy dropped another bomb in his lap.

"That's not all. You remember Cassie, that girl I was trying to help, the one who died? Well Willow had a close encounter of the scary kind with her last night. She tried to trick her into killing herself, telling her that Tara had sent her, and that she wanted her to join her in the afterlife."

"There's more. Dawn saw mom. At least she said it was mom, but it might have been whatever it was that Willow saw."

"What else? I know there's more to it than this Xander. I can see it on your face. You have something-face."

"He tried to convince me to die, as well. He was very convincing; up until that point, I believed he was really..."

"Xander! We don't have time for this; what you saw - who you saw might be very important to figuring out what's going on. The Cassie-thing said something about "from beneath you it devours". I've been hearing that in my dreams lately; that and seeing girls die. We don't have the luxury of secrets anymore. You are going to have to tell me."

Xander pulled off to the side of the road and thumped his head on the steering wheel. Buffy was right, he had to tell her the truth, but he so didn't want to. This was going to be bad. Very, very bad.

Instead of lunch, Xander and Buffy ended up sitting in his car while he told her everything. He told her about the curse, about the spell Willow had put on him in high school, the alternate version of Riley and what had happened to Spike. He told her about Spike, how they had fallen in love, how he had died. Buffy was shocked and saddened for her friend. She couldn't imagine having to go through what Xander had been through. She also found herself a bit worried.

"No. It's not like that. He loves you, Buffy. And even if he didn't, he's not the vampire I fell in love with. I do care about him, though; if he's siring people, he isn't aware of it. There's no way he could hide something like that from me."

"I believe you. But we can't ignore this, Xander. We need to talk to him about this. Soon."

"You're right. I'll pick you up after work and we'll sit down with him, try to figure this out. Ah, Buff? About what I told you� that stays between us, okay? I'm not ready to deal with Willow yet; it's too painful and I don't want to end up doing something I'd regret later."

Xander was intrigued by the momentary flash of jealousy he saw in Buffy's eyes. He wasn't sure if it was because he had shared his story with Spike before her, or because it was obvious he and the vampire were close now.

Xander dropped Buffy back at the school and went back to work. He wasn't looking forward to their talk with Spike tonight. As he unlocked his trailer and stepped inside, he was startled to see Anya sitting behind his desk.

"Lunch. I told you we'd have lunch when we talked a few days ago. Where were you?"

Anya smiled and Xander watched curiously as she pulled a large picnic basket out from under the desk.

Anya pulled out plates and began unwrapping sandwiches. Xander sat in the chair on the other side of the desk and watched her. He really was glad they were friends; he couldn't imagine his life without Anya in it - even though she was a demon again.

"So, what was so important that you spent your lunch hour talking to Buffy and not eating?"

"There's a possibility that Spike is siring vampires again. Buffy was talking to a vamp last night..."

"No. And can we not start on the Buffy-dating-the-dead issue right now? As I was saying, she talked to this vamp and he told her that Spike had sired him."

"So he's killing again? Didn't see that one coming. And at some point, someone does need to address Buffy's infatuation with dead guys."

"Like what? Blood stains on his clothes? He's a vampire; he drinks blood and he spills it all the time."

"Well, trophies then. Killers like to keep trophies of their victims. Like teeth; maybe he has a necklace of his victims' teeth."

Xander swallowed as he remembered presenting his mate with a fine silver chain strung with Riley Finn's teeth. He shuddered at the implications of his actions. Touched by darkness - yeah he could see that.

"That's okay; I'm sure a tooth necklace rates pretty low on the things you've seen - or done for that matter."

"Well, yeah. But for you, that's a big thing. It was a good present though. If I were Spike, I would have appreciated it."

The smile he gave her softened the criticism, and she shrugged her shoulders and passed him a plate of food. They ate quietly for a few minutes and then Xander sighed.

"Anya? Have you heard anything about a new big bad coming this way? Something from beneath?"

"No. But my contacts in the demon community aren't what they used to be. Being human has ruined my reputation. Nobody takes me seriously anymore; they all think I've gone soft. Not to mention that I helped you all with the killing and the world save-age. I have a faryl demon stalking me 'cause he thinks I killed its cousin. I mean, really, do I look like someone who would get anywhere near a faryl demon?"

After lunch, Anya disappeared - literally - and Xander got back to work. His mind wasn't on his job though, and it showed. He had messed up the weekend reports as well as the work detail. He knew he would end up taking it home and working on it there, after the confrontation with Spike, that is. He really wasn't looking forward to it.

By the time his day was finished, he was beyond tired. The last two days were beyond stressful and he seriously just wanted to go home, have a hot shower, a cold beer, and fall into bed and stay there all weekend. Thank God it was Friday.

Buffy didn't look any happier about their task than Xander did; they barely talked on the way to his place, both of them pondering the outcome of the talk they were going to have to have with the vampire. There was one thing Xander had to make perfectly clear to Buffy though, before he let her in his apartment.

"Buffy? Before we go in I have to warn you; no matter what, I won't let you dust him."

Buffy turned and looked at Xander appraisingly. She now knew he was practising magic and had power - although he had admitted he wasn't very good at controlling it yet - but she also knew he wouldn't use it on her. She hoped it wouldn't even be an issue. She didn't want to dust Spike either, not unless she absolutely had to. She owed him too much.

Xander shook his head and then they both got out of the car. They walked in silence into the building and waited for the elevator. They rode up to Xander's floor without even looking at each other. By the time they reached Xander's door, Buffy was chewing on her fingernail in a nervous gesture. It reminded Xander of the girl she had been when they first met. He smiled at her and pulled her into his arms.

Xander chuckled as an insane thought popped into his head. Buffy tilted her head and looked at him like he was crazy.

"Alright. I was just thinking that we now have something to bond over. We've both slept with the male half of the Scourge of Europe. How many people can claim that and live to tell the tale?"

"Oh God. That's right! You... you and Angel, I forgot. Oh, you have to let me be there if you ever tell him. Promise me that and I'll give you anything! Even Mr. Gordo!"

The pair stood for a few minutes longer just holding onto one another in the hallway outside Xander's door. Xander smiled and kissed Buffy's head. This was what he had wanted to come home for, this closeness. He was glad he had opened up to Buffy and told her everything. He had missed her.

The door opened and Spike looked at the two humans with their arms wrapped around each other. He was instantly insanely jealous. Only problem was, he wasn't sure of which one. He looked at Buffy and his inner voice cried out 'love her' then he looked at Xander and the demon raged. One word coming to mind, 'MINE'. He was torn. The demon loved Buffy, but Xander was his. He wore his mark, his claim. He had no right touching another, especially someone that Spike was in love with.

Xander and Buffy both jumped and turned to look at the glowering vampire in the doorway. They hadn't been doing anything wrong; they were friends, and friends hugged.

Xander realised he was feeling guilty and rolled his eyes. He had no reason to; he could hug Buffy if he wanted to, and he didn't have to answer to Spike, anyway. He wasn't his Spike. If anything, the vamp was Buffy's - if she'd just make up her mind one way or the other.

Xander closed the door behind him and took a good look at the vampire in front of him. Spike was rigid; jaw clenched and muscles coiled in readiness for a fight. He wondered what had upset him so much, and then he realised that he was probably jealous about him hugging Buffy. He shook his head sadly. If those two would just open their eyes and see what was right in front of them... well he would be a little hurt by it but it would be okay.

Spike turned and walked a few steps before turning back and addressing her again.

"And besides that, even if I didn't, I have a soul now. Or did you forget that? 'Cause I sure as hell haven't. Why would I want to make more vampires? This town is already chock full of 'em. If I had any use for minions, I could just round a few up and beat them into subservience. Your informant was barmy."

Buffy looked like she wanted to believe him; Xander did too. But there had been no real reason for Holden to lie to her. Other than the fact that he was an evil vampire now. But he didn't even know that she knew Spike, so she had to assume he was telling the truth. Which meant that Spike was either a very good actor - which she doubted - or he wasn't aware of doing it.

"Well, duh. As you lot would say. I have nightmares, yeah. Reliving past sins and that rot, all part of the soul-having experience, innit?"

Xander watched with rising dread as Spike's brow wrinkled with tension. His shoulders slumped in defeat and he walked away from them. He stepped onto the balcony and lit a cigarette. Buffy and Xander stepped outside with him and waited for him to talk. After a few drags, Spike looked up and locked eyes with Xander.

"I've been blacking out. Losing track of time every now and again. I went out the other night, was talking to this bird at The Bronze, cute little blonde thing. I walked her home, think I did anyway - don't really remember much. I woke up here though, in my bed. I think... I think I dreamed about a house. A basement. There were... Oh God. Oh Xander, tell me I didn't!"

Xander stepped toward Spike and laid his hand gently on the man's shoulder. He gave it a reassuring squeeze and Spike lowered his eyes in defeat.

"I killed her, turned her. My God, how could I forget something like that? How could I do something like that?"

Buffy felt like a voyeur. She was witnessing an obviously private moment as Xander wrapped his arms around Spike and tried to comfort him. She wondered if there was more between them then simple friendship. She had never seen Spike so open with anyone - not even her, though she supposed she hadn't exactly given him a reason to be.

"It'll be okay, Spike. We'll figure this out. I promise. Do you remember where this house is?"

"Yes, I don't know how I could have... the chip, my soul. Xander, how'd this happen?"

Buffy cleared her throat and when the two men remembered she was there they broke apart and turned toward her. Spike couldn't bring himself to meet her eyes; he was ashamed by his behaviour. How could she ever love him when he was still just an animal? Even with a soul and a chip he was killing.

The three armed themselves with stakes and Buffy and Xander followed Spike as he led them to the house and down into the basement. Things were okay at first; as the vampires rose, Buffy began to slay. It was fine until all of a sudden Spike snarled and flew into a rage at Xander.

For one brief minute, Xander thought he was going to die. Spike had him in his grip, his head tilted to the side and his teeth on his throat. Then he just... stopped. He snarled and held Xander in a bruising grip but he didn't bite. Xander was glad he had told Spike about his mate, about the claim. It meant he no longer needed to use the masking spell. Right about now he had no doubt that it had just saved his life.

Buffy was surrounded by vampires. They were strong; being sired by a master gave them an edge over the average fledgling she was used to facing. She saw Spike attack Xander but was helpless to prevent it. She continued to fight her attackers and hoped that Xander could hold Spike off until she could get to him.

Xander felt Spike stiffen as he began snuffling into his exposed neck. He gently petted the back of the vampire's head as his cold tongue snaked out and laved over the tiny claim scar.

The vampire trembled and loosened his tight grip. Xander relaxed a bit and put his arms around Spike. He felt the vampire sag into his embrace as he continued to lick the mark. Xander had to fight with himself very hard not to allow this to arouse him. He saw that Buffy had dusted the last vampire and was watching them curiously.

Spike scrambled away from Xander and sank to his knees. Buffy stepped toward Xander but then stopped and went to Spike instead. She crouched down in front of him, and when he looked up at her she gasped at the tears that were running freely down his face.

"Me. He was here; he said I failed, that you'd kill me now. He was talking... singing. There was a song."

Buffy touched his shoulder and he wrenched away from her. He turned and looked at the far corner, at something the others couldn't see.

"Make it stop! I did what you wanted; make it stop! I don't want this, don't want to remember. Make me forget."

Spike hung his head and cried in shame and defeat. Buffy looked at Xander, determination clearly visible on her face.

Buffy stepped closer to him and reached out her hand. Spike grasped it and she helped him to his feet.

She looked at Xander who nodded his assent. The three of them turned to leave when Xander noticed a hand sticking up from the dirt floor of the basement.

He pointed out the struggling vamp who couldn't seem to dig its way out of the shallow grave. Buffy walked over, pulled the elderly-lady vampire from the dirt and shrugged her shoulders.

Then she staked her and walked back to Xander who had wrapped an around Spike and was leading him up the stairs.

Xander walked into his apartment and sighed. It had been one hell of a night. After they had left the basement of that house, they had gone back to Buffy's place. She explained what had happened to Willow and Dawn and then announced that she thought it would be best if Spike stayed there - chained to a wall in the basement.

Xander had freaked. Told her that it was out of the question, that Spike wasn't some fucking animal to be put on a leash. She pointed out that Spike had attacked him, that he could have killed him. Xander argued that he hadn't, that he had stopped himself, but Buffy had only shook her head sadly and asked if he would be able to do that with any one else. Xander didn't have an answer for that. He knew it was the claim that had stopped Spike from hurting him, and that none of the others had that protection. Then Spike himself had sided with Buffy and told him that he was better off restrained where he couldn't hurt anyone.

Xander had to admit defeat. He set up the cot and drilled the holes to attach the metal rings into the wall. Then he carefully chained Spike's wrists and ankles before asking if he wanted anything from home. Spike declined the offer but tried to crack a joke about Xander owing him for the lesson in how to properly restrain a vampire. It was a good effort, but neither man felt in the mood for jokes.

Xander hadn't stayed long after that. He just wanted to go home, shower and fall into bed with a bottle of Jack and his diary. He had a lot of things to work through and desperately needed the clarity his journal provided.

After a short, lukewarm shower, Xander grabbed a bottle from the liquor cabinet and adjourned to his room. He set the booze on his night table and reached inside the drawer for his journal. He brought out Spike's instead.

For several long moments he just held it in his hand and stared at it. He was suddenly desperate to read it, to see his lover's handwriting, to read his words. He pulled out the Queen CD and put it in the player on low volume, opened the bottle of Jack and took a good swallow, and then sat back against the headboard. He opened the book and began to read.

Tears slid down his face as he read. He could hear Spike's voice, as though he were sitting next to him, reading this to him. He reached over for the bottle and drew on it once again. He was glad it was Friday night and he could sleep in tomorrow because he was sure he was going to need it.

When he got to the entry Spike wrote about the reality where he was married to the Buffy bot, he smiled, and then laughed out loud as Spike's words came to life on the page.

Oh love, where do I start? We just got back from seeing the you and me of this reality. I gotta say, the idea of you married to a robot - a sex bot of all things - just bloody well kills me!

I can understand the why of it, I mean you - or rather the alterna-you - wanted to keep Dawn safe and in Sunnydale, but it's completely fucking ludicrous, you gotta admit. How much of a wanker was I in this world? Building a shag toy? What, he wasn't capable of getting a leg over with anything real - human or demon? And how in the hell did he afford it? I mean something like that has got to cost, eh? You'd think he'd put the money to better use - like getting the buggering chip out or something. A Buffy bot. A slayer-shaped sex toy. Fuckin' hell, how pathetic.

I can see it too, him and her - it - together. Probably had her programmed to do all sorts of stupid shit like pretend to stake him and then not follow through cause she "loves" him too much. Probably had her programmed to hate Angel, too. Wanker.

I asked him, the other me, if he and the other you ever messed around with the bot. You probably don't want to hear it, but they do. Only occasionally though, when the girl is staying over at her friend's place or something.

I can't help but laugh. The very idea of you and me screwing a robot together, I mean why the hell would I want to stick my cock into that when I have you? Not to mention the possible fire hazards! Bloody hell, I'd be afraid the stupid thing would short out and crush my bits to pulp.

Could you see it? You, me, and a robot in bed, all sweaty and writhing. Things heat up a little too much and then there are sparks flying everywhere and the very combustible vampire has to hide under the bed while you put the bot out. Not on. I'll stick with the real deal, ta muchly.

Can't quite get over the way those two are with each other anyway, though. I mean, yeah, the spell was on Xander and all, but do you really think they'll work out? They just don't seem as committed as you and I. Well, Spike is. He's in love all right, but your other self doesn't get it. Hope he smartens up before he loses him. But enough of them, no point in wasting time on them when I could be spending time with you love. Love you Xander.

The tears continued to flow steadily down Xander's cheeks as he drank and read. The track on the CD changed over to something soft and slow and he hummed along as he turned the pages, lost in his lover's words. He had to stop and wipe his eyes as he looked at the page in front of him; it was the entry Spike wrote about the first time Xander had been inside him.

I watched you sleep this morning and I fell in love all over again. I even thought to myself about you being my very own sleeping beauty. Pathetic, I know, but that's what you do to me, Xander; you make the little part of William that still lives on in me come to the surface. I want to be more than a monster for you; I want to be someone worthy of you.

When you woke for me, when you heard that I needed you and instantly woke up... God. I can't tell you how it feels to know that you will always be there to make it better for me.

The way you felt as I slowly sank onto your cock was amazing. It was nothing like I thought it would be. I admit I was afraid, I never wanted to associate you with the bastards that violated me. I was afraid it would bring back a lot of unpleasantness, a lot of pain that I've tried to forget. It didn't. It felt wonderful, amazing, incredible. Making love to you is so very different from that. I should thank you for giving me back a part of myself that I'd thought was lost forever. You cleansed me, love. With your love, your body, your seed. You made me whole again.

The fact that you allow me total control of how fast and how far things go between us proves to me that you love me, that you mean it when you say you'll never hurt me. The look in your eyes... My God, Xander. What did a demon like me ever do to deserve a man like you? I have hunted and killed for over a century, love. There are those that would feel everything that Finn and his goons did to me was justified. How is it that you look at me and him and see him as the monster? Sometimes I wonder if I'm not dreaming. If I am, I never want to wake up.

By the time he got to the last page, Xander was very drunk. The bottle was nearly three-quarters empty and the CD player had turned off some time ago. He took a deep steadying breath and looked at the last words his lover had ever written.

Xander wiped his eyes on the back of his hand and clutched the bottle to his chest. He couldn't help the choked off sobs that were wracking his body. He thought he was ready for this, that it would bring him closer to Spike, if only for a little while. It did - it had - but the price he had to pay was a high one. He felt his heart breaking at each word he read; each letter on the page was another rip in the fabric of his very soul. He missed his mate desperately, and now he was all alone; not even Spike was here to keep him company.

With shaky hands, Xander set down both the book and the bottle. He curled up into a ball on his side and cried himself to sleep. He only hoped he would dream of Spike, that his mate would hold him again and make every thing better.

Xander woke up with the mother of all hangovers. He dragged himself into the shower and sat on the tub floor while the water cascaded over his limp form. He would have stood up if he had had the strength. He barely managed to wash himself and crawl out onto the floor. He must have fallen asleep because he woke sometime later, naked, shivering and sore all over.

Calling himself a fool, he slowly stood and made his way back to his room. He looked at the mostly empty bottle of Jack on his nightstand and felt his stomach roll. Then he looked at the book - his mate's journal - and the memories of the night before washed over him. He ran back to the bathroom and threw up.

After brushing his teeth and getting dressed, Xander put Spike's book back in the drawer and headed out to the kitchen. He brewed a pot of extra-strong coffee and then set to work fixing the week-end reports that he had screwed up the day before.

It was almost dark when he left for Buffy's place - having put off the trip as long as he thought he could get away with. He wasn't sure why he was avoiding going there. He felt a bit upset over Spike's choosing to remain there, chained like an animal, over coming home with him but that wasn't reason enough to avoid going there.

Xander let himself in and headed for the basement. He heard voices and stopped to listen.

"You don't understand. When I left the room earlier, I heard you talking to someone..."

"I'm not talking about the cellar. The people in the cellar got off easy. I'm talking about me. Buffy, you have never met the real me."

"No, you got off easy, too. Do you know how much blood you can drink from a girl before she'll die? I do. You see, the trick is to drink only enough to know how to damage them just enough so that they'll still cry when you... 'cause it's not worth it if they don't cry."

"I already did it. It's already done. You wanna know what I've done to girls Dawn's age? This is me, Buffy. You've got to kill me before I get out."

"Have you ever really asked yourself why you can't do it? Off me? After everything I've done to you, to people around you. It's not love. We both know that."

"Don't do that. Don't rationalise this into some noble act. We both know the truth of it. You like men who hurt you."

Xander had heard enough. He turned back toward the stairs and quietly walked away. Whatever was going on between Buffy and Spike, it was for them to work out. He wasn't going to get involved this time; he'd just hang back and be supportive of both of them - no matter what decision they came to.

Xander was startled by the appearance of Anya as she materialised right in front of him. He got over his shock enough to smile at her and she shook her head at him.

Before Xander had a chance to react, the window was smashed and the front door broke open. Figures in long, black hooded robes carrying sharp knives rushed into the house. Xander and Anya fought off their attackers as Willow and Dawn did the same. The robed figures continued to pour in through the doors and windows; some heading upstairs to the upper level of the house where Tara was last seen.

Buffy came up from the basement and saw that everyone was holding their own; Willow yelled out to her that Tara was upstairs alone and Buffy took the stairs two at a time. She got up in time to stop one of the attackers from stabbing Tara. She pulled off its hood and looked at its mutilated face - where eyes should have been, there were only scarred symbols.

Buffy whispered horrified as the creature lunged past her and escaped out the upstairs hallway window. She helped Tara to her feet and escorted her back downstairs. Willow ran to her girlfriend and took her in her arms. Buffy looked around for Dawn.

Xander pointed to the corner where Dawn sat on the floor holding her arm against her chest.

Buffy nodded and watched as Xander headed for the basement. In all the excitement, she had forgotten about Spike. She followed Xander down the stairs.

Xander held Buffy while she cried into his chest. He could feel the rage building up inside himself; he would not lose Spike, not again. He needed to get out, to blow off some steam, to find the bastards that had taken Spike and make them pay.

While Xander stalked the streets of Sunnydale, the others tried to find any information on the "First" that they could. It wasn't going at all well. There was nothing written on the First, at least nothing that they could find. Buffy went off to try and call Giles; if anyone knew where to look, it would be him.

Xander was surprised to see the streets empty of demons. It wasn't normal for a Saturday night on the hellmouth; it was usually crawling with supernatural activity. He really wanted to kill something - after he beat it for information on where the Bringers were holed up. With nothing on the streets, Xander made his way to the Alibi Bar - Willy was always good for information.

The place was pretty full - various demons and quite a few vampires were scattered about the room. Xander walked directly to the bar and glared at the bartender.

Xander reached out with a lighting quick move and dragged the little man over the bar and right up to his face. He stared directly into his eyes and saw the man's face pale as his eyes darkened with power.

"Don't play me. I want to know where the First is hiding out - where those robed freaks took Spike. And Willy? I want to know this five minutes ago."

Willy swallowed and nodded his head. Xander let him go and he ran a hand back through his greasy, unkempt hair.

"Geez, I thought you were the token normal guy. Do all the slayer's friends have superpowers?"

Several of the bar's patrons quietly made their way toward the door hoping to slip out before the crazy human did anything... well, crazy. A couple of them almost made it before Xander noticed. He turned away from Willy and looked at the door. With a grin and a wave of his hand, the doorway became a solid brick wall.

A Fyral demon who thought he was tougher than brick tried his luck at ramming through the wall. It didn't get him anything other than a headache. Xander tsked at him and then remembered his conversation with Anya.

"You wouldn't happen to be the same Fyral demon that's been stalking Anyanka, would you?"

At the demon's growled reply that she killed its cousin, Xander grinned and turned it into a kitten. Knowing full well what most of these demons did with kittens, he was prepared for the frightened reactions of the bar's patrons.

"Now, anyone want to tell me where Spike is, or do I leave Willy here with one large litterbox instead of a bar?"

A young girl - vampire if Xander guessed correctly - stepped out from behind a group of Kaliff demons and approached Xander warily. She looked up at him from beneath her eyelashes and Xander smiled at her. She couldn't have been any older than Dawn when she was turned.

"You're good, honey. If I didn't know what you really are, I would've fallen for that little innocent act of yours."

"Those robed freaks? I saw them go into the high school. They had a vamp with them - could be the one you're looking for."

Xander just smiled and nodded his head in thanks to her. He looked over the rest of the bar's clientele.

When no one made any move to speak or step forward, Xander sighed and shook his head.

Willy saw Xander's eyes darken and ducked behind the bar. There was a tremendous burst of power throughout the room and when Willy finally got up the courage to peek over the counter all he saw was Xander and the female vampire. He stood up straight and looked again. Kittens. Everywhere he looked were kittens.

Xander addressed the vampiress who was staring in awe at the room full of furry animals.

"Kailey, I'm going to give you some advice. Get out of Sunnydale, and don't look back. You won't get a second chance; if I see you again, well, I hope you like mice."

Xander waved his hand at the brick wall and it turned back into a door. The vampire wasted no time in using it. Xander turned back to the flummoxed bartender.

"Look on the bright side. You can always sell them to the pet store and make a few bucks."

Xander turned on his heel and left. He stopped outside and pulled out his cell phone and dialled Buffy's house.

"Hey Buff. I got some information on Spike and the Bringers. Can you come pick me up? I'm at Willy's? Take my car; Anya has a spare set of keys. Oh and tell her I took care of her Fyral problem."

Xander hung up the phone and slumped against the wall. He was exhausted. He had never used that much power for anything - he wasn't even sure how he had done all that. All he had to do was think about what he wanted and then... do it. It was very cool, yet scary at the same time. He hoped he never let his temper get the better of him; he could really hurt someone.

Buffy came, but she wasn't alone. Willow, Tara, Dawn and Anya were all with her. Xander sighed and opened the driver's door and Buffy scooted into the middle between him and Anya.

"Where do you think? Back to the hellmouth, source of the big evil. Some vamp said she saw a bunch of robed guys dragging Spike in there earlier."

"And you believed her? 'Cause I'm thinking, you know, vamps not so big with the honesty."

Buffy put her hand on Xander's thigh and squeezed it in support. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

"I'm sorry, I'm just a little frustrated. Yes I believe her; I have my reasons to, and can we just go and check this out without the second-guessing. Please?"

No one said anything else until they were at the school and standing in front of the blood-covered wheel that was positioned in front of a big bronze-looking thing in the floor.

Xander looked at his ex-fianc�e and saw the way she was slowly backing away from the seal.

"It opens. And then bad things happen. If it's been opened - and by the blood I'd say it has - then trouble is on its way."

"I'm sorry, Xander. But that's all I know. If I hear anything, I'll let you know."

Anya teleported out and Xander was left standing there looking down at the seal.

Xander left the room and returned shortly with an assortment of shovels. Everyone grabbed one and got to work. Xander was silently going insane; he could smell Spike's blood on the wheel and he was scared something horrible might have happened. By the time the seal was buried, everyone was tired and Xander drove them all back to Buffy's house.

After Dawn went to bed and Willow and Tara were immersed in books researching the seal, Xander slipped out the back door and sat wearily on the step. Buffy joined him moments later.

"About the same. What happened at Willy's? You look like you haven't slept in days."

Buffy gaped at Xander and then snorted in laughter. She tried to cover it with her hands but couldn't hold it in. It was infectious and Xander soon found himself joining in despite the desperate situation they were all in.

"Yep, cute and fuzzy. Now imagine Willy having to clean up after all those kittens."

Xander smiled and Buffy laughed again. Soon her laughter turned to sobs and Xander pulled her close and held her. He rocked her and made soft shushing noises while she pulled herself together.

"Nothing wrong with leaning on a friend, Buff. It's what makes you better than other slayers, your ability to trust others to be there for you. Besides, if anyone knows how you feel, it would be me."

"How do you feel, Buffy? It might be none of my business but ... do you love him?"

"That's okay. You don't have to make any decisions yet. But just so you know, it's okay if you do."

The pair sat in silence for awhile longer. Then Tara opened the back door and they looked up at her.

"I'm sorry to interrupt. Willow and I were thinking - maybe a locator spell would help? We could use it to try and find the First - I could try it."

Xander groaned noiselessly. Leave it to Buffy to jinx the whole thing. He followed the two women back inside where Willow was sitting in front of her computer still researching the seal. He knew she had sworn off magic - only performing the one spell since his disappearance and that was a locator spell to find him. He was proud of her, even if he was still angry for her actions. Perhaps he could learn to forgive her in time - as long as she stayed away from the magic. He didn't trust her when it came to spells - she abused her gifts.

While Tara set up the spell, Xander watched Willow. He could see her resolve not to participate, and it melted some of the ice that had formed around his heart. He still wasn't ready to forgive and forget but this was as least a step in that direction. He was brought out of his musings by Tara's screams.

Xander was shocked by what he saw. It had to be the First; there was no other explanation. Tara slumped to the floor crying, saying that she could still feel it - that the evil was inside of her now. Buffy and Willow both held her and assured her she would be okay. Xander shook his head ruefully. It wouldn't be okay, not for any of them. This was way more than anything they had ever faced before.

Xander drove home at breakneck speed and took the stairs up to his apartment. He knew there had to be a way to find Spike. They should have done the spell on him instead of the First, but after what had happened to Tara he couldn't ask her to try again. No, he would do it himself this time. Then, he would get Buffy and they would rescue the vampire.

Xander was back at Buffy's house before daybreak. He knew where to find Spike, where he was being kept - but he wasn't stupid enough to try and rescue the vampire by himself. A bar full of demons was one thing but the evil that all things evil were afraid of? Nuh uh, no way. He was smarter than that. Besides, he knew Buffy needed to be involved in this. Even if she wasn't ready to admit it, she felt something for Spike. It was obvious she was jealous of the closeness that he shared with the vampire.

He was a bit surprised to find Buffy up and alert at this hour - it was no secret that the slayer was not a morning person. He had to assume that like him, she hadn't bothered going to bed.

"Did I what? Do anything stupid? No. But I did do a locator spell on Spike. I know where he is."

Buffy smiled and was about to reach out for her former watcher when she was elbowed aside by a strange teenage girl - followed by two others. Giles smiled somewhat sheepishly and shrugged his shoulders.

Xander groaned and followed behind Buffy as she trailed Giles and the three girls into her living room. He just knew something like this would happen. He really wanted to just leave Giles and the new girls and drag Buffy off to find his vampire! Roommate! His vampire roommate! He was not feeling possessive of this Spike.

Xander sighed as he trudged upstairs to wake the other members of the estrogen brigade. How the hell Spike could stay in a house full of women - even if he was in the basement - was beyond Xander. He loved them all dearly but he did not want to cohabitate with them.

He knocked on Dawn's door and grinned when she sleepily muttered 'bugger off' at him. He just knew she had picked that up from Spike. He knocked again and then covered his eyes before opening the door - he didn't want to see Dawn in any state of undress; she was like a little sister to him.

Xander opened his mouth to reply but only managed to squeak as he brought his other hand up to cover the first one - just in case his fingers moved of their own volition.

"Relax, Xander; I'm kidding. Although, I think I'm insulted. What's so horrible about the thought of me naked?"

Xander could feel himself blushing and wished that Dawn hadn't spent so much time around Spike. She was picking up very bad habits - embarrassing him being one of them.

"Oh. Uh, nothing. I - I mean, I'm sure you're very... attractive. Just not for me to ... see? I mean, you're like my sister. I..."

"God, Xander. You are too easy. Like I'd want to be naked in front of you. Gross. You're like my big brother."

"Okay, good. Now that that's settled, I came up here for a reason. I'll be damned if I can remember what it was now, though."

Xander was about to stammer out a denial but then saw the smirk on the girl's face. He shook his head and chuckled at her.

"Get up, brat. We have company - Giles and a bunch of teenage girls are downstairs; something hellmouthy this way comes."

Dawn groaned and flopped back down on the bed. Xander headed down the hall to Willow and Tara's room to wake them, as well. Hopefully Giles wouldn't take all day to tell them what was happening. He had a bad feeling about Spike and really wanted to get him away from the big evil thing that had him.

They were all assembled in the front room listening as Giles told them about the fate of the council. Xander was the only one not surprised by Anya's sudden arrival; the new girls screamed and ran for cover. Anya rolled her eyes in annoyance and turned to Xander.

"Yeah, but we haven't been able to do anything about it yet. Giles was just about to explain to us what happened in merry ole England."

Giles took a deep breath and then continued speaking as though he hadn't just been interrupted by the sudden appearance of a millennia old demoness.

Giles motioned to one of the girls and she opened a pack and took out a stack of files and a couple of books. She laid them out on the coffee table and then stepped back.

"The mystic secrets of the Watchers. And whatever I could find on the First. When I learned what was happening, I-I, um, I stole them."

"And you blew the council up! See, this is what happens when you're all stuffy and repressed. You overreact."

Anya looked at Giles and shook her head pitifully at him. She just knew he had a personality buried somewhere under all that tweed. And after Xander telling her about how happy she had been with the Englishman in another reality, she often found herself wondering what he was really like - what the man - Rupert - was like, as opposed to the watcher - Giles.

"I most certainly did not! It must have been an agent of the First. Demons do that sort of thing; but you would know all about that, wouldn't you, Anyanka?"

"Very little. Only that it can change form. It ah, only appears in the guise of someone who has passed away."

Xander and Buffy exchanged a look, as well. They had both assumed it was the same entity that had been messing with all of them - now they knew for sure. Xander was furious. The nerve of that thing pretending to be his mate. He would see it destroyed if it was the last thing he did. Giles snapped him out of his thoughts when he continued speaking.

"It has eternities to act, endless resources. How to defeat it ... I ... I honestly I don't know. But we have to find a way. If the slayer line is eliminated, then the hellmouth has no guardian. The balance is destroyed. I'm afraid it falls to you, Buffy. Sorry. I mean, we'll do what we can, but you're the only one who has the strength to protect these girls - and the world - against what's coming."

One of the newbies - Xander was pretty sure her name was Kennedy - stood up and looked at Giles as if he were crazy.

"And if this thing is the root of all evil, isn't the hellmouth its number one vacation spot? I mean, don't you think we should be hiding our asses on the other side of the globe?"

One of the other girls cried out in shock at her outburst, but Buffy was quick to step in.

"No. She's not wrong. We need more muscle. We need to find Spike. Xander? You're with me. The rest of you? Hit the books. I want everything you can find on the First."

Xander grinned and followed Buffy out the door. He loved it when she got into full-on slayer mode. He was well aware he had issues with dominant women. Faith, Buffy, Cordelia, Anya - it was a good thing he was gay now.

This is a fucking mess! Giles came back - potential slayers in tow - and informed us that the First - the newest and biggest evil we've faced to date - is trying to wipe out the slayer line. Add to that the fact that Spike has been abducted by said evil and we were unable to get to him because of a fucking Neanderthal vampire, and I'm far from being a happy Xander.
I led Buffy to the place where the spell said he'd be. She went down in this hole - apparently she'd been there before, years ago when Angel was the vampire with a soul that was being targeted by this thing. At least last time it didn't have a fucking crazy-super-strong-ubervamp working for it.
It almost got Buffy. Fucking hell, how tough does that thing have to be if it almost got her? I mean yeah, Angelus came close - so did Spike a time or two - but that was before. That was when Buffy was still trying to be a normal girl. Now she accepts who and what she is - she is the slayer. She beat a hell God; she came back from the dead - twice. But this vamp? It kicked her ass.
To make matters worse? We lost one of the new girls. She panicked - ran out into the night. The damn Turok Han - aka ubervamp - got her. Then it went after Buffy again. I found her under a pile of rubble - she looked as dead as she did the night she fought Glory. Thank God it was just in appearance this time.
So now what? I won't give up on getting Spike out of there. No way am I leaving him at that vamp's mercy. I could smell his blood on that thing. It made me want to rip it to pieces.
Which brings me to my feelings for Spike - this Spike. Oh, don't get me wrong, I still want my mate back, and I will find a way to bring him back, but I feel something for this Spike. Something more than just friendship - something base, primal, like on an instinctual level I feel connected to him. It has to be the bond - the claim I have with my Spike. The blood that this Spike spilled on the counter - the blood that I ingested without his knowing - must tie me to him in a way, as well.
I know he loves Buffy, but he feels something for me. Something that goes beyond friendship, beyond gratitude. He looks at me almost possessively at times. I have to wonder if he feels something from the claim my Spike made - or would he have to drink from me to feel it?
I tried to will Spike back - you know, the same way I turned a bar full of demons into kittens - but it didn't work. Too bad too, 'cause if I could get it to work, I could use it to bring my Spike back, as well. Fuck, I miss him. I really wish he were here right now to hold me. I always felt safe in his arms. I haven't felt safe since I lost him. Not completely anyway; there was that one night when the other souled Spike held me while I slept, but that wasn't even close to how I feel when I'm with my Spike, my lover, my mate.
I need to call Angel. I should have done it awhile ago - after Spike told me about Darla being resurrected by some demonic lawyers in L.A. But, as usual, the hellmouth rears its ugly head and interferes with my life. The spell they used had drawbacks, though. Darla came back human. I don't want a human Spike - I want my Spike, demon and all. But I'll do what I have to do. Even if it means convincing Angel to turn him again.

He won't be happy about it. I know he won't; he refused to do it for Darla, so I doubt he'll do it for Spike - or me, for that matter. I wonder if Angelus would be a better choice? I'm sure I can find a way to strip him of his soul if necessary - but I doubt I could trust Angelus to follow through on the turning. He'd probably just drain Spike and leave him for dead. Oh God. Or worse - he could claim sire's right and take him as mate - taking him away from me. No, not going to risk that! Have to find another way - a way to bring him back as a vampire. Shit, this sucks!

Xander closed his eyes and sighed in frustration. This was getting him nowhere. He had hoped that if he wrote it down it would make more sense - that somehow the answer would just magically appear out of thin air. He stared at the blank page opposite of where he had written - willing it to fill with the answers he desperately needed. It didn't.

"A bit much to expect it to be that simple. Blank pages will remain blank... Unless they're in a spell book!"

Xander jumped up off his bed and ran to his closet. He pulled the book he had purchased from the strange Asian woman - demon - whatever, down and opened it.

He turned page after page; they were still blank. He was about to give up when he saw it. It was very faint, but it was there. He could see the words if he looked just hard enough. Xander concentrated and the words filled in before his eyes. It was a spell to banish a Turok Han.

Xander read and re-read the spell - committing it to memory in case the words faded once again. Once he was sure he wouldn't forget a single thing, he closed the book - put it back where he had hidden it in the first place - and left for Buffy's house. He would need some supplies and he would need Buffy to keep it distracted while he cast the banishment spell.

Buffy was wary about the spell, but having no other options at the time, agreed to Xander's plan. She wanted him to discuss it with Willow and Tara first, but Xander refused. He explained that he just wasn't ready for Willow to know about him and that even if he was, he just knew he had to do this on his own. The spell had appeared for him, after all, not Willow or Tara or anyone else.

So while Buffy fought the ubervamp, and the potentials - including a new girl who had shown up that morning - watched, Xander hid just out of sight and set up his spell. He had to wait until the vamp was in position before he could banish it. It was up to Buffy to get him there.

It was a hell of a fight. Xander was afraid - more than once - that Buffy would lose or that she wouldn't be able to get the Turok Han into position. But finally, it happened. The whole thing flowed together seamlessly and Xander couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe someone up there was looking out for them all.

With the final words of the spell still ringing in his ears, Xander watched as the vampire disintegrated as though he had been staked. He knew that to everyone else it looked as though Buffy had gotten him. That was exactly what they wanted them to think, as well. He cleaned up his supplies as the others rushed out of their hiding places and ran to the battered slayer.

Buffy got to her feet and staggered toward Xander. They smiled at each other and then sent the girls back to the house with Tara and Willow. They had a vampire to rescue.

Spike opened his unswollen eye and glared at Buffy as she walked toward him. He knew it wasn't her - that it was just that thing that liked to pretend it was her. Or Dru, or Angelus, or Glory, or any number of the thousands of people he had killed. But without its pet vampire, it was unable to hurt him. He waited for the verbal taunts, knowing that that was the worst it could do to him.

"Come to tell me I'm a bad dog? Won't work any better than last time. I won't join you. They will come for me."

Buffy pulled a knife out of her sleeve to cut the leather straps that held him in place. Xander watched them from a few feet away. He wanted to give Buffy some privacy, just in case she decided to come to any decisions.

"Knives now, is it? You can't hurt me; you're not real. Just a figment of my bloody imagination."

Spike nodded and let Buffy and Xander help him walk out of the underground cavern. He looked back and saw himself standing in the far part of the room. He knew it was not over yet, but he was too tired, too relieved that they didn't abandon him, too hurt and weak to care right now. He just wanted to leave this place, to go home.

By mutual agreement, Xander took Spike back to his place for the day. With the new girls and Giles all staying at the Casa de Summers, it made more sense for Spike to not be there. Xander was doing a little happy dance in his head at the thought of having Spike to himself again. Then he mentally slapped that thought right back out again.

As they entered the apartment, Xander pushed Spike toward the shower with a gentle nudge and then headed for the kitchen to warm up some blood for him. He wanted nothing more than to take the blonde in his arms and hold him close. He knew that Spike must have been terrified by what he had been through, but he also knew that he would never admit it, not even to him.

By the time Spike emerged from the bathroom, clean and looking better than he had when he'd gone in, Xander was waiting for him with a mug of warm blood in his hand.

"Drink up, plenty more where that came from. You probably haven't eaten in awhile."

"Thanks, luv. I'm bloody starved, plus I'm hurtin' something fierce. Don't know what the hell that thing was but it was stronger than it was ugly - an' it was plenty ugly."

"Turok Han. The Neanderthal of vampires. Or as we so affectionately named it - Ubervamp."

"I meant about the magic, pet. Not the sexual issues. Although, I doubt you have anything to worry about there either. The witches are together and Rupert and that wizard of his were more than friends back in the day. Slayer doesn't seem to have a problem either."

"I know, but if I bring that up then I have to bring up the spell, and I'm not ready for that yet."

"Alright, fair enough. But don't leave it too long; these things have a way of festering if you don't deal with them."

They spent several minutes in silence while Spike heated and consumed more blood and Xander watched him. Finally, Spike had drunk enough to feel his body start to heal and he looked over to see Xander watching him with concern.

Xander broke off. The emotions of the past few days were catching up to him. He could feel his eyes well up with tears - tears he hadn't allowed himself to cry before. He was so scared that he was going to fail this Spike as well. That he would be too late to save him. He felt cool arms wrap around him and he let himself go, leaning into Spike and allowing the smaller man to support him as he wept.

Spike was relieved. This was a long time in coming. Xander had been so strong for so long he was afraid the man would never let himself grieve. He knew that his capture had only brought up painful memories for Xander of his mate's capture and subsequent death.

"Shh, s'oky, luv. I'm fine. I never doubted that you'd come for me, not for a moment."

Spike rubbed soothing circles on Xander's back and then walked him toward his bedroom. He gently undressed the man and tucked him into bed.

Spike studied Xander quizzically. He wasn't sure what Xander was asking of him, and he wasn't sure what the answer would be either. After a minute he gave up on trying to figure it out for himself and gingerly sat on the edge of the bed.

"What are you asking, Xander? I mean is this just about not being alone or are you looking for..."

"No, I just want to hold you while I sleep. Nothing else, I promise. I want... comfort, Spike. Don't you want comfort?"

Spike thought it over for about all of thirty seconds before stripping down to t-shirt and boxers like Xander and climbing into bed beside him. He did want comfort; it was all he had wanted since he'd gotten the damn chip in his head. Now that he was souled, it was even worse.

"Comfort sounds... bloody comforting, mate. Yeah, could use some of that about now."

Xander smiled softly and pulled Spike into his arms. He breathed in the familiar smell of the man in his arms and smiled. It was a bittersweet feeling - having this familiar and well-loved body in his arms again. He missed his mate, but that wasn't what this was about. This was about gleaning comfort in the arms of a friend. Maybe more than a friend. He sighed and then leaned up on his elbow and looked at Spike.

"Are you okay? I mean really? I know you don't believe me, but you don't have to pretend with me. You can be yourself here, Spike. I promise you, I won't think any less of you if aren't the Big Bad all the time."

Spike studied the serious expression on Xander's face and then felt his resolve crumble. He knew Xander was serious, that he was offering him a place to just be himself, where he didn't have to be "Spike" all the time; where he could be William or Spike, or as was most often, a combination of the two. He could relax and let down his guard. It was an attractive idea, but at the same time it scared the hell out of him.

"I don't know if I can do that, luv. It sounds like an appealing offer, but I don't know if I can let it go. I feel like I've been in a play for the last century or so. I've been playing this part so long I don't remember how to stop. What if I switch it off and I can't get it to come back? Buffy doesn't need a snivelling poet right now; she needs a master vampire. She needs Spike's strength, Spike's viciousness, Spike's cunning."

"Are you sure about that? I mean, you got the soul for her; don't you think she'd want to see it?"

"I don't know. I mean, after what I did, it was the only thing I could think of to do that would show her how bloody awful I felt about it. I wanted to give her the man she deserved. William - I - was a pathetic mother's boy with allusions of grandeur, but I knew how to love; I was a good man. I wanted Buffy to have a good man. She deserves that much, you know?"

"I'd like to be William for her. I can see that Spike still scares her, that she hasn't forgotten what I did, what I almost did to her. She's never going to love me, Xander. Not in the way I want her to. You know, I once told her and Angel that I was "love's bitch"; I really and truly am. All I ever wanted was for someone to hold me in their arms and tell me they me they loved me and mean it."

Spike closed his eyes before the tears that had welled up had a chance to spill over. He might be a souled poof now, but he was not going to cry like a chit. Xander pulled the cool body closer to him and placed a soft, chaste kiss against his pliant lips.

"I love you, Spike. And I'm not just saying that; I do. Not the same way I love my mate, but I do love you. You're Spike. How can I not?"

Spike shuddered in Xander's arms and felt the tears rolling freely down his cheeks. He didn't even care that Xander could feel him shaking, that his tears were soaking into the man's shirt. He was loved. Not by Buffy, but by Xander. Not as a lover, but as a friend - as a person. It wasn't everything he had hoped for, but it was more than he had expected.

"Give Buffy time; she does care about you. Maybe in time she'll come around. She won't let herself love Spike because he's a demon, but now that you're William, as well... Give her time Spike; don't give up hope."

Spike nodded into Xander's chest and allowed himself to relax into the warm embrace. His demon felt content lying in the arms of its mate - its claimed, and the soul felt at peace for the first time in longer than he could remember. He wasn't alone in the world; he had a friend who loved him. He felt himself purring and for once didn't care that it might make him look soft. Xander loved him, accepted him for who and what he was. He could be himself here.

Xander relaxed to the sound of a soft, rumbling purr coming from the man next to him. He had a dopey grin on his face as he drifted off to sleep.

"Mmmm, the beach again?"
"You seem to like it here, and I'm not complaining about the sun, love."
Xander smiled and leaned back into Spike's chest. He tilted his head as he felt his mate nuzzle into his neck. His eyes closed and his lips parted slightly as a cool tongue washed over his claimant scar. He shuddered.
"Like that, love?"
"Love that. I always love it when you're touching me."
"Good, 'cause I like touching you. I miss touching you."
"Me too, Spike. This is nice, though."
"That it is, love."
"How much time do we have?"
"Long enough."
Xander smiled and turned in his lover's embrace. He gently lowered Spike down and rose over him.
"You are so beautiful. God I love you."
"Show me?"
Xander dipped his head and brushed his lips softly across the cool lips of his mate. He smiled as they parted in anticipation. He let the tip of his tongue out to trail along the full lower lip of his lover.
"Xander. Don't tease, please, love."
Xander lowered himself until he and Spike were touching from head to toe. Their lips fused together as they moved against one another. Xander groaned at the sensation of all that cool, silky skin against his own.
"I've missed this, missed you so much, Spike."
"Me too, love, me too."
They rolled until Spike was on top; he drew back and looked into Xander's eyes, his own flashing amber with repressed desire.
"Mine."
"Yours, always yours."
Spike kissed Xander ferociously, his fangs coming down and nearly slicing the flesh of lips. Xander didn't care; he only kissed back harder, spreading his thighs in invitation. He was thankful that he was always naked and ready in his dreams, no matter which way they played out.
Spike slid into Xander and swallowed his cries with his mouth. He kissed him, softly this time, as he started to move. Xander wrapped his arms around Spike's shoulders and his legs around his waist. He hung on for all he was worth, wanting to savour the feeling - knowing that all too soon he would wake up and he would be alone again.
Both of them struggled to hold off their orgasms - not wanting this to be over so soon. It had been too long though, and they both cried out as they came, Spike burying his fangs deep into his mark on Xander's throat. Xander bucked up and came again.
As they lay still connected, Xander petted Spike's hair and felt him vibrating against his chest. He held him tighter, not ever wanting to let go. He thought that maybe if he held him tight enough, he could pull him out of his dreams and into the real world with him.
"Are you really here? I mean is this just a dream or are you real?"
"Don't I feel real to you, love?"
"Yes. You do. Does that mean you are?"
"I don't know. Maybe I'm the one dreaming; maybe you aren't real."
"I haven't given up. I will find a way to bring you back. I promise you that."
Xander felt his eyes tear up and then a cool thumb brushed the tears away as they fell.
"I know, but if you can't..."
"I will."
"But if you can't, you have to promise me you won't waste your life trying to save me from my fate. You have to live, love. You deserve to be happy, to be in love, to have someone real."
"I only want you."
"Yeah, well, m'not exactly one of a kind now am I? You could have him; he's me. Sort of."
"No."
"Just think about it, Xan, okay? I'm not asking you to give up on me, not yet anyway. And hey, I am still with you in your dreams, love, and that's better than not getting to be with you at all. I'll take this over nothing any day."
They fell quiet for a few moments, both just enjoying the feel of the other man in their arms. Eventually Xander broke the silence.
"I read your journal. I'm sorry, I just... I missed you so much and I wanted to feel close to you again."
"S'okay, love. They're just words; was going to show it you someday anyway. So, how bad were they?"
"How bad were what?"
"The poems, what else?"
"Poems? You wrote me poems?"
"In the back of the book. Guess you never looked there, huh? Should'a kept my bleedin' mouth shut."
"I didn't look. I... I won't if you don't want me to."
"Only words, Xander, nothing more. Never do you justice anyway."
Xander kissed Spike and rolled them onto their sides; groaning as Spike's softened penis slipped out of Xander's hole. Xander traced over the scar in Spike's eyebrow and then down one sculpted cheekbone. He cupped Spike's face and brought their mouths together again. This kiss was full of feeling, full of love, sadness, pain, and a hint of desperation.
"I won't give up, Spike. I need you."
"Okay love, okay. We won't talk any more about that for now. It's time for you to wake up anyway."
Xander tightened his hold on Spike and crushed him to his chest.
"No. Not yet, please, not yet."
"It's alright, Xan. I'll be here waiting for you next time. I love you."

"I love you too. God. Don't leave me again."

Luckily, Spike was still asleep and didn't see the tears in Xander's eyes or the disappointment on his face. Not to mention the evidence of his dream that stuck to the inside of his boxers. Carefully, Xander climbed out of bed and stumbled across the hall to the bathroom.

Xander turned on the taps and stepped into the shower. He quickly washed away the evidence of his climax and then began his regular shower activities on auto-pilot. He couldn't help wondering if he was going crazy, or if he was just so miserable that he was conjuring up visions of his mate in his dreams.

He squashed down the tiny flicker of hope that it was more than that. That somehow, he still had a connection to Spike and that he really was there, that he was in his dreams - not some figment of his imagination.

After stepping out of the shower, Xander dried his body and hair and then wrapped the towel around his waist and went to the sink. He got his razor and his shaving cream and was just about to make himself presentable when he noticed it.

Spike was disoriented when he awoke. He couldn't remember where he was; at first he hadn't remembered Buffy and Xander coming for him. He thought he was still being held captive by the First. Of course the nightmares could have had a lot to do with that.

He sat up in bed and grimaced. He was alone and the room smelled like tears and semen. He wondered where Xander was, if he was okay. It was obvious the boy had been crying.

"Probably dreaming of his Spike - good dream too, I'm betting, by the smell of things."

Spike got up and pulled his jeans on. He left the bedroom and stopped in the hallway. Xander had left the bathroom door open and was now just standing in front of the mirror wearing only a towel.

Spike took in the appearance of the man in front of him. Xander had filled out nicely, had muscles in all the right places. His hair was damp and fell in tousled waves around his face, the ends curling where they rested on his shoulders. He was touching his neck with the first two fingers of his right hand, right over the scar Spike had seen the night Xander fell asleep on the couch with him.

Not knowing what was going on, Spike scented the air and his eyes blazed as he picked up the fresh blood smell. Xander's blood. He raked his gaze over the man but didn't see any injuries; needing to know that he was okay, Spike walked into the bathroom and stood behind Xander.

Xander was still staring off into space, his eyes fixed on the mirror, so he didn't see the vampire come in and take up position behind him. He was trying to work out what had happened. How he had been bitten. It could be a coincidence; maybe Spike had bitten him in his sleep - he might have been having dreams about claiming Buffy. It might be one of those manifestations - like stigmata, or an hysterical pregnancy. He almost laughed at that - remembering pregnant-woman Xander. He didn't dare hope that it was his mate's bite - that what they shared in his dreams was real - that Spike wasn't really gone for good.

Absently, Xander pulled his fingers away from his wound and looked at them. Without even thinking, he sucked the bloody digits into his mouth. He heard a strangled groan from behind him and turned to see Spike looking at him. The vampire's eyes were flecked with gold and he had a hard on that could pound nails. For a minute he stupidly wondered what had happened to cause such a reaction. Then of course he realised. He was bleeding, and had just licked blood from his own fingers in front of him.

Spike blinked and tried to find his voice. He couldn't. His demon was screaming at him that his mate was bleeding, that he should be allowed to taste - to clean up the enticing trail of blood that was slowly making a path down over Xander's shoulder and heading for his nipple. He tried to fight it - he really did - but instincts overruled his better judgement and with a growl he grabbed Xander by the waist and hauled him close.

Xander gasped as Spike's mouth latched onto his chest, sucking and licking a trail up to his shoulder. He couldn't suppress the moan that escaped as those cool lips ran over his wound. He tilted his head back and grabbed the vampire - tugging him closer as Spike sucked on the mark, bringing more blood to the surface.

Somewhere deep down - buried under the force and need of his demon - William was crying out that this wasn't right. That they were jeopardising the only true friendship they had ever known. Unfortunately for William, the demon wasn't listening.

Xander was lost in a haze of sensation. He wrapped his arms around Spike and pulled him impossibly closer. He could feel Spike's erection pushed hard into his hip; his own cock was throbbing in need as well. He knew it was wrong, so very wrong, but he did it anyway.

Xander cradled the blonde's head and pushed it further into his neck, hoping Spike would understand what he was asking for. He groaned as he felt the tiny pinpricks of pleasure-pain as Spike morphed and sank his fangs into his neck. He felt the vampire thrusting against him and wrapped one leg around him to get a better angle on his own aching need.

Spike was mindlessly humping against Xander as he drank from him. It had been so long since he had tasted blood this good. He was in no danger of draining him; his demon recognised that the man in his arms was not food, but rather his mate - his claimed. He savoured the last mouthful of blood, tasting Xander's orgasm, then removed his fangs, threw his head back and roared as he came in his jeans.

Panting, he rested his head on Xander's shoulder. He could still smell his blood and looked at the wound. It was still seeping slowly so he dragged his tongue over the holes, closing them with his saliva. He came back to himself with a start as he realised what he had just done.

Xander shakily took a breath and looked up at Spike through his tousled bangs. He looked the very picture of satisfied debauchery and Spike felt himself begin to harden again.

"I don't know what came over me. The blood and the smell and then you sucked your fingers..."

"You're chipped, Spike. You couldn't have forced me, I wanted it; hell I asked for it."

"Why did you do that? And why were you bleeding in the first place? And more importantly, did you know what would happen? That this would happen?"

Spike looked pointedly at the stain on his jeans and then the matching one on the front of Xander's towel. The towel that must have magical properties to have remained on during all that humping and thrusting.

"Yeah, sorta. I... God. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking - it just... when you grabbed me and starting licking my chest..."

"It felt good. Really good, and I sorta just stopped thinking at that point. I'm sorry."

"I do tend to have that effect on people, Xan. You can't be blamed for finding me irresistible. After all, you're just a man."

"Yeah, we're good. But we have to be more careful, pet. This can't happen again - I love Buffy, and I'm not the Spike you want, anyway."

"Okay. Well, I need a few minutes in here to clean up and then you can have the shower."

"Right. Try to be quick, eh? Not looking forward to peeling these jeans off if this mess dries."

Xander laughed and watched as Spike grimaced in distaste as he left the bathroom. He cleaned up quickly and decided to forgo shaving today; he didn't want to take any chances that he might slip and cut himself.

Spike stood outside the bathroom door and frowned as he realised that Xander had skirted the question of how he had come to be bleeding in the first place. Oh, he knew he'd been bitten - it was obvious, as was the fact that it was his bite. But how did it get there? He certainly didn't remember biting Xander, well not that time anyway.

Spike licked his lips; he could still taste Xander in his mouth. It was causing all sorts of reactions in him. He wanted to taste him again - he wouldn't because it would only confuse both of them. He wanted to fall at his feet and beg forgiveness - he assumed this was the soul's influence as the demon didn't think it had done anything wrong. Mostly, he just wanted to ask if Xander loved him. If he could still love him after what had just happened.

Xander was never so thankful for a Monday morning in his life. After he left the bathroom, he quickly dressed, scribbled a note for Spike letting him know he'd be working late and he'd meet him at Buffy's later that night, and left.

So now here he was, after spending the entire day worrying over what had happened between them that morning - where that left him when it came to his Spike, what would happen if - no when - he got his mate back, and where the hell Buffy fit into all of this. It wasn't as if he were averse to having both Spikes in his bed - he'd done that once before and a good time had been had by all. Hell, throw Buffy in the mix and it was "High school fantasy meets Grown-up Xander fantasy" and it was doing nothing to make his erection go away.

But he still wanted to know if it was just a dream. Of course, he could always just go home, open his night table drawer and take out Spike's journal. If it had been more than a dream - if Spike was really there in his sleeping hours - then he would find poetry in the back pages of that book. But if it wasn't real, if the book was empty, how would he ever be able to face dream-Spike again, knowing that it was all just in his head?

Xander still hadn't made a decision on that by the time work had ended. He drove to a little out-of-the-way diner and parked the car. The truth was, he wasn't actually going to be working late, he just wasn't sure he could face being alone with Spike just yet. So he went inside, sat in the farthest corner booth and perused the menu. He really wasn't even hungry - eating alone had always depressed him.

Xander didn't even jump when Anya materialised in the seat across from him. He just looked up at her and smiled. She seemed to have a knack for showing up when he needed her; he really felt bad about their doomed romance - she deserved so much better.

"Really? Thank you; you know, most men still scream and cower in fear. It's a good thing I don't have an inferiority complex or this would be devastating."

Xander smiled one of his biggest, happiest smiles and then leaned across the table to whisper conspiratorially to her.

"Yeah, but most men don't know you're deathly afraid of bunnies; see, I have a secret weapon."

Anya mock-glared at him and he solemnly swore to take her secret to his grave. She smiled then frowned at him.

"A lot of things are wrong, An. We're being stalked by the uberevil, I have mysteriously appearing wounds, and I've developed... feelings for my vampire roommate. Which one would you like to discuss?"

Anya took a minute to think about that. The waitress came over and took their orders and then disappeared again. Finally, Anya looked at Xander and nodded her head affirmatively.

"Because I have news, but I'm not going to tell you yet because it will make it even harder for you to figure out your feelings."

So Xander did. He told her about everything, actually - the dreams, the bite, the bathroom incident. By the time he was finished he felt a lot better. Like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. It was nice having a friend you could confide in.

"Sorry. Anyway, it was sex. You came, he came, there was rubbing and thrusting. It was sex."

Xander trailed off and thought about that. Was he happy? No, not particularly. He wasn't not happy, but he wouldn't call the way he felt happy. More like confused.

"Why? You love Spike, and they're both Spike. It makes sense. When you were split in two, I loved both Xanders. I'm still angry that you wouldn't sleep with me, though. It's not fair; you got to have sex with two Spikes at once. Hypocrite."

"Yeah well, I was also under a pretty heavy compulsion to ignore my homosexual urges at the time. Besides, that would have been like sleeping with my twin."

Of course, that was the moment the waitress chose to come back with their dinners. Xander was out of practise for dealing with Anya's bluntness and couldn't help but blush and stammer apologies at the waitress until she shook her head and walked away. He looked back over at a grinning Anya and sighed.

"I missed that. You were so cute when we first started dating, all the blushing and stammering."

Xander picked up his fork and started picking at his food. He still wanted to know what news Anya had, but he knew she wouldn't tell him until she was ready.

"Yes. I love my Spike - I'm in love with my Spike, but I love this Spike too. He's... well my friend, I guess."

"No. I... maybe. Yes. Yes, I could. But that's not going to happen. Besides, he loves Buffy."

"So, you're sure that whatever happens, you and this Spike will never end up together?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. Without my Spike, I'm not sure I could be with this one - not without using him as a replacement. I won't do that."

Xander waited while Anya took a drink of her iced tea. He wasn't sure he wanted to know, not after all that. He just knew it was going to be bad news.

Hallie lied. The words were still ringing in his ears hours later. He was distracted - that was the only explanation for why he had let everyone go on thinking that Dawnie was a potential. If he had been paying attention, he would have noticed right away that it wasn't her. Dawn didn't give off the same vibe as the other girls, she was definitely something more than normal, but it wasn't slayer power that made her hum - it was something else entirely.

Buffy had commandeered Spike to help train the potentials, and he was left with Willow and Tara while Tara performed a tracking spell to find the newest potential - one of Sunnydale's own, even.

If he had been paying attention, he would have noticed when Dawn slipped out; he wouldn't have just sat there while the poor girl went through her own personal hell. It was bad enough knowing that you were the creation of monks and mystical energies. It was bad enough to have had a hell god try to kill you and open the barriers between worlds; but to finally think it's over - that you're just another teenage girl now, only to find out you're a slayer-in-waiting? He couldn't imagine what she was going through. He waited while Tara did another spell to find Dawn; Willow had gone off to call Buffy on her cell phone. Dawn was at the high school - big shock there.

It was good that Buffy and Spike had arrived when they had, otherwise Xander would have blown his cover for sure - there was no way he would have let that vamp or the Bringers touch Dawnie. No way.

So, now here he was, after all the excitement had died down, still reeling from the words Dawn had spoken - that maybe his power was knowing, seeing things. She didn't know how right she was. He did see things - like that spell to banish the ubervamp. He knew things, too. When it counted, he knew exactly what to do without even thinking about it. He had a barroom full of kitten demons to attest to that.

All in all, it had been a hell of a night. He was glad to be home - even though Buffy had decided to keep Spike at her place tonight. Maybe it was for the best; they were both acting like skittish virgins around the other right now. Some space just might be the thing. Xander took out his journal; he looked at Spike's and debated on checking it for poems. Shaking his head, he opened his own journal; he wasn't ready to know yet. Maybe after he came to terms with what Anya had told him.

Halfrek lied.
Anya told me tonight, during an impromptu dinner date. Hallie didn't change things back. She lied to me, just to hurt me. And I should be surprised, why? Hello? Demon. She didn't actually have the authority to change anything, at least not anything major. Spike and Dawn are still in the reality I left them in, the Spike that Angel drained is still dust, and the Spike and Xander that I helped to get together are still together - living in sin with the Buffy-bot! Hee hee.
But she did manage to screw with a few things; the spell I gave Willow - the permanent soul restoration - was destroyed. So, God only knows what happened there. I just hope Spike and Angel didn't give each other a moment of pure happiness. Bitch! It seems that anything tangible that I left behind was destroyed - as if I hadn't been there, but the people who died, or the people who shifted with me are still the same. Which is good, 'cause the thought of Riley Finn being resurrected makes my blood boil!
Now I understand why Anya wanted to know about Spike and me. This Spike, that is. See, I no longer have to worry about her sending him back to his dimension. If I find a spell, I can use it right away. I don't have to find a way to take care of Halfrek first. I guess Anya was worried that I would have to choose between my lover and my friend. She wanted to spare me that. I really love her, I'm glad we're friends.
So, now I need to find a spell. I looked in my book - stared at the pages until I thought I'd burn a hole through them - no luck. I guess it's just not time yet, or it isn't in there. Damn it! I need to find the damn thing. I can't keep on like this; I need Spike.
I dreamed that he bit me last night. Then I woke with a fresh bite on my neck. I don't know what happened, whether it really happened, or whether Spike - this Spike - bit me. He slept with me last night. In the sleeping sense of the word, not the groiny sense. Of course, that doesn't explain why we made out in the bathroom like a couple of horny teenagers.
Yep. That's right. I had sort-of-sex with Spike. We were fully dressed, or at least he was. I was in a towel, but there was a lot of rubbing against each other and we both came, so therefore, sex. In the sort-of sense. But no kissing. At least there wasn't kissing. That would have made it far too personal - too intimate.
He bit me. I asked for it. Hell I practically begged for it. He started it. No, actually I did, but I didn't know he was there. I was still bleeding from the bite I woke up with, and I stuck my fingers to the wound - then I sucked them into my mouth. I guess from a vampire's point of view, that could be considered erotic. It must have been to Spike, 'cause he grabbed me, and the next thing I knew he was licking the trail of blood off my chest - up to my shoulder- and then suckling at the wound.
I lost it. I grabbed him, pulled him close, and begged for more. He bit. I wrapped my leg around him like a slut and humped for all I was worth. He did too. So, sort-of-sex was had in the bathroom. Now we're all weird with each other. Spike was almost blushing when I saw him tonight. I swear, if vamps could blush, he would have been as red as Willow's hair. I wasn't much better. I was torn between embarrassment and arousal. I wanted to touch him, and I was embarrassed that I wanted to.
I can't keep this up. I miss my lover, my Spike, but I want this Spike. I want to touch him, kiss him. I want to find out if he tastes the same, if he'd moan the same way if I were to bite his collarbone. I want to know if he'd scream my name as I drove inside him hard and fast.
I'm scum. I'm worse than scum. I'm falling for Spike. For a souled version of the demon I love. How is it even possible? Okay, William has always been a big part of who Spike is, even before the soul. Even I could see that. So, I guess maybe it's not so hard to believe that I could fall for this Spike. But what about my Spike? How do I explain this to him? Better yet, how do I explain it to this Spike? Should I explain it to him? I mean, yeah, he's obviously attracted to me on a physical level and he likes me as a friend but he told me himself that it can't happen again, that he loves Buffy.
And, I think Buffy loves him too. Or she could, at least. If she'd let herself. I can't hurt her like that. I have a Spike of my own; having them both - while a nice idea - would be greedy.

I need sleep. Tomorrow I'll call L.A. and talk to Angel, see if he has any ideas about how to get Spike back. If I have to, I'll go with the "bring Spike back human and have him turned" option. Maybe this Spike would do it? God, how Freudian - siring oneself. I'm sure somewhere, some psychiatrist would have a field day with this one!

Xander sat slumped dejectedly on Buffy's couch. His call to L.A. had been a bust - not only was Angel not there, he was once again Angelus. So, now he had the added pressure of having to find a way to quietly get to L.A. without Buffy knowing about it. She was needed here, and he could handle Angelus on his own.

Spike sat next to him and opened his mouth to speak, only to grab his head and scream in pain. Xander panicked and pulled Spike into his arms and tried to soothe him. After a minute Spike fell still and silent and Xander let out a breath.

Xander realised he was still holding the vampire and rubbing his hand up and down his back - at the same time as Spike noticed. They both drew away from each other somewhat reluctantly and smiled softly.

"Used to be just every now an' then. It's happened three times already today. Slayer made a phone call earlier, there was a whole "Ghost Busters" moment and everything."

"Yeah, I get that. You do know that this Finn never touched me, right? I mean other than the fake stake through the heart. I wasn't... violated, or nothing."

"About that, I've given it some thought and I think I know what was different in those realities. The Initiative was still active, yeah?"

"Well, they were pumping him full of drugs here, weren't they? So what's to say that they didn't continue there. Give the soldiers something to make them ruthless, uncaring. Easier to control. No sense of right or wrong, no conscience to make them question what they were doing?"

Xander had to admit that Spike could very well be right. He didn't care what had driven Riley to do those things to his mate; he did them all the same. He would not regret what he had done in retribution.

"Makes two of us; but if he can get this soddin' chip to stop firing off, I might just bend over and offer it."

"Joke, pet. You really think I'd let farmboy stick it to me? Please. Never been buggered by a human before and he's the last one I'd give that privilege to."

"Sorry, Spike. I don't know what came over me. Just the thought of you and him."

"No. They said that the chip was never meant to be in use this long, that Spike should have starved to death by now or fried his brain. There's no way to take it out, no way to turn it off, and no way to fix it."

Xander swore a blue streak that impressed even Spike. He looked back at the sofa where the vampire and the slayer sat side-by-side, both depressed by the news, and felt his anger rise. He couldn't believe they weren't even going to try to help him. Spike had a soul now; he wasn't "just another demon" not that he ever was, but that's how they thought about him.

Spike gasped and sat up in alarm. Buffy looked at him then followed his line of sight. She too gasped as she saw what had startled Spike. Xander was surrounded by an aura of magic; it crackled like lightning.

Without even thinking about it, Xander grabbed Spike and hauled him to his feet. His hands came up on either side of the vampire's head and then they were both floating about a foot off the ground. The lightning enveloped Spike's body and he screamed. Buffy watched, helpless, as Xander and Spike both fell to the floor, the strange light still flickering around them. Finally the light faded and the two men slumped into unconsciousness.

It was over an hour later that Xander stirred and sat up. He glanced around, surprised to find himself on the couch. He immediately looked for Spike and saw Buffy watching him.

Xander fell back on the couch. He felt like shit - like he hadn't slept in days.

"Well, I'm not exactly a doctor here, Buff. Or a scientist. I just... I had to, you know? I couldn't let it kill him."

Buffy helped Xander to his feet and together they went down to the basement. She was just glad that Giles and the S.I.T.'s were off in the desert, and Willow and Tara were out picking up food and spell supplies. She wasn't sure how much longer she could keep Xander's secret.

When Spike came to, he was in agony. He felt as though he'd gone ten rounds with a whole pack of ubervamps. He groaned and tried to sit up only to be pushed back by warm hands and told to stay still. His senses were all working just fine though, so he knew it was Xander who was holding him down and that Buffy was nearby.

"Not entirely sure, Spike. But I think I might have fried your chip once and for all."

Spike lay still and let the repercussions of this wash over him. Okay, firstly, he was ecstatic; he hated that damn thing and not having it go off for accidentally stepping on someone�s toes would be a relief. But it was the chip that had made him slow down and take a good long look at the people around him. It had made him realise that there was more to them that just blood, that they weren't cattle. He had fallen in love with the woman Buffy was; the slayer part just made it poetic in his mind. He had come to care a great deal for the witches, and Dawn had become the sister he'd never had. Would he lose them now that he was... unfettered? He had a soul, but then hey, so did Hitler. A soul could be corrupted; he had killed recently despite having both a chip and a soul. With the loss of one - would his little adopted family still want him around?

He wasn't worried about Xander. He knew he'd still have the boy's friendship if no one else's. He loved - was mated to - an unsoulled version of himself. Although, he wondered what Xander would do if his Spike suddenly found himself unchipped? Would he still trust him not to hurt innocents? Not to kill his friends? The other version of himself had no ties - no loyalty to these people. The only thing that would keep him from feeding on them was his love for Xander. Spike knew it was enough, that the vampire wouldn't do anything to upset his mate, but he wondered if Xander did?

Buffy watched with sad eyes as the two men carried on joking and laughing in front of her. It wasn't all that long ago that she would have had to talk Xander out of staking Spike. Now here they were, the best of friends. Possibly more from the looks they were giving each other. She decided to interrupt before anything she didn't want to think about could happen.

"Er, Xan? Haven't we already walked this road one time too many? It's not a good idea. 'Sides I had me chip last time and it didn't go off."

Both men groaned as they realised they would have to explain. Spike turned panicked eyes to Xander and felt a flood of relief when Xander nodded his understanding. Buffy wouldn't find out about the sex.

"I was bleeding, there was some just-awakened confusion going on and I asked Spike to do it. Practically forced him to. Mistaken identity; right vampire, wrong version."

"Wasn't like that. I'm not Spike's food. Biting isn't always about feeding, Buffy; sometimes it's about love, about expressing things that you can't say with words. I have a bond with my mate - the blood sharing just reaffirms it, makes it stronger."

Xander trailed off with a horrifying moment of clarity. He had taken Spike's blood. He had bound himself to this Spike as well in a moment of passion-induced stupidity. At least Spike didn't know what he'd done. Spike could barely stop himself from growling in frustration. He should have realised this earlier; he had known about the blood sharing, about what would happen, but he hadn't allowed himself to make the connection. No wonder William was screaming at him not to bite. Damn foolish demon - always thinking with heart and cock instead of brains.

"Let's just do this then, yeah? Try not to want it this time." In his anger at himself, Spike morphed and bit savagely into Xander's forearm. The blood streamed forth and he swallowed it with a sense of awe and dread. He could taste it, that little part that said Xander was his. Abruptly he closed the wound and pulled away.

Spike looked at Buffy to see what she thought about the matter. He was surprised to see her smiling at him.

"Spike, what I said to you before still stands. I believe in you. You can do good things, this doesn't change that."

Spike swallowed hard and really wished it were night time. He needed some time alone, time to figure out what was going on inside of him. He was mated to Xander as surely as his double was, and yet he still loved Buffy. He needed to figure out what he was going to do about it.

Xander could sense that something was troubling Spike; it didn't take a genius to see that. The painful bite on his arm was testament enough. If he didn't know better, he'd think the vamp knew what he had done.

Buffy nodded and followed Xander to the stairs. She had a feeling there was more going on than they were telling her, but she had too many things to deal with right now to try to find out. If they survived the First Evil, then she'd get to the bottom of whatever was going on between Spike and Xander.

Xander was dangling from the large wheel. The large wheel that Spike had been hung from once before. The large wheel that was at this moment hanging over the satanic manhole cover he and the girls had buried not too long ago.

Xander sighed as he remembered how that had happened. He had left Buffy's place after the realisation of his bond with Spike. He wandered for awhile, eventually went home and unplugged the phone and crawled into bed.

When he woke up, he decided to just ignore all things hellmouthy and have one normal day. So he went to the building supply store - they were putting on a demonstration that sounded interesting.

He had a conversation with an attractive woman over rope, and being the nice guy that he was, he offered to help her string up her kayak. Next thing he knew - he was the kayak. This was ridiculous; if he had still been under Willow's spell he probably would have been dating the nice demon lady by now.

The nice demon lady who had stuck a knife in his belly. He was never more happy in his life to see Spike and Buffy - even if they did bring her boss along. And what the hell was up with that?

Of course the seal had to start opening at that very moment. Buffy was fighting with Lissa - the demon lady - and so was Spike. She was tough. The principal was cutting him loose, and even through his pain and confusion he worried about Spike. He had been knocked for a loop by Xander's abductor.

Buffy and Lissa struggled over a sword before Buffy got a hold of it and beheaded her. Xander watched as she went to Spike and crouched down beside him. As she held his hand, he watched Spike look at her, his love laid bare to her eyes. Of course she immediately got up and came toward him and her boss.

It was the only thing he could think to say. It was obvious that Spike was hurting but that he was trying not to show it. So Xander just shrugged and asked her if it was going better than his was.

"I wasn't on a date. I went to a demonstration at the building supply store this morning, and met Lissa - the demon. I didn't know she was a demon; she was looking at rope and I asked if she needed help. Long story short - I offered to help her string up her kayak and woke up here. Tied to that. Not a fun experience."

The drive back to the Summers' house was pretty quiet. Xander didn't much care for the looks that Buffy's boss kept giving Spike, but he figured he'd let it alone for now. He hadn't turned up anything suspicious on the man so he was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Back at the house, everyone was quiet. Buffy and Spike weren't talking to each other - hell they weren't even looking at each other. Tara and Dawn were in the kitchen making tea and Giles was talking to the new girl - she spoke Chinese and they weren't exactly understanding one another. Willow made a crack about Xander always attracting demon women and Xander bit his lip to keep from yelling at her. He wanted to tell her that he knew exactly why that was, that he was more powerful than she could even imagine, that he wouldn't be in this predicament if it wasn't for her interference in his life. But then he saw a chance to lighten the mood and went with that instead. Everyone looked as though they could use a bit of a laugh. It was time to be the zeppo.

"Yeah, you�re right. What is it with me and demon women? That's it. I've made a decision. I'm going gay. I've decided to turn gay. Willow, gay me up."

"You heard me. Just tell me what to do. I'm mentally undressing Scott Bakula right now. That's a start, isn't it?"

"Yeah, Clem always liked you. Or hey, you could always hook up with Spike now that he's not with Buffy anymore."

Buffy glared at Dawn, and Spike and Xander both looked away from each other. Giles cleared his throat to interrupt but was cut off as Xander began talking again.

He knew he was on the verge of a major babble and was actually thankful when Giles yelled at them to shut up. Okay, yeah, so they were all in danger and it really was no laughing matter but they weren't kids anymore; they understood what was going on.

Later on, as Xander sat alone in his darkened living room, he heard the door open and then a moment later Spike sat down next to him.

Xander could feel the panic rising in his chest. He couldn't do this. Not again. It was bad enough that he had unwittingly bound himself to this version of his mate, but to lose him now, as well?

Xander let out a relieved sigh. He was glad Spike wasn't leaving, but he was also a bit angry that he was only staying for Buffy. Would he have still gone if he were the only one to ask him not to?

"Spike? What about me? I mean... If I had asked you to stay would you still have left?"

"I dunno, Xander." Spike tilted his head back and closed his eyes. He didn't want to do this, but he had to. He owed Xander the truth.

"I arsed things up here, between us. What happened in the bathroom, it was more than just a suck and grope session, pet. That bite? It meant something - means something. You're mine, Xan. As much as you�re his, you're mine now, too."

Spike didn't open his eyes; he didn't want to see Xander's face when he realised what he had done to him. He swallowed and then carried on so softly that Xander almost missed what he said next.

Xander tilted his head as he looked at Spike. Yeah, he knew it was a two way street, he just didn't know how Spike knew. He wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"Yeah, but you knew that. These things are never one-sided. I could taste it the second time I bit you, in the Slayer's basement. I'm in your veins, Xander just like he is - just like you are in mine."

They sat in silence for a long time. Xander desperately trying to rationalise what he was feeling. He was mated to two Spikes. Two versions of the same vampire. One souled and one chipped. One here and one gone. One he missed desperately and one sitting right beside him. He was so confused. Hurt. He just wanted someone to tell him what was the right thing to do.

Finally, Xander decided that now was not the time to make any decisions; cooler heads would prevail in the morning. He wanted sleep. He wanted a break from his thoughts. He wanted someone to hold him.

Spike was startled by the question and it showed clearly. Xander smiled and shook his head.

"Not for that. I'm tired, confused, I feel like my head just might explode and I want someone - I want you - to hold me."

Spike nodded and got to his feet. He could relate; he was confused as well, and his demon was looking forward to holding its mate - especially now that the blood bond was his own, not his by proxy.

There was no awkwardness as they shucked off jeans and t-shirts and climbed into bed. Spike opened his arms and Xander gratefully sank into his embrace. They were both in need of something they could only get from the other. Complete and total understanding. Spike didn't even blink when Xander brushed a light kiss across his lips; he just smiled and tightened his arms around him a little bit more. There was nothing sexual in the kiss or the way their bodies were intertwined. It was natural, comforting. Spike purred softly and felt Xander relax into sleep. He wasn't far behind him.

He was in Spike's arms again; the waves crashed against the shore and the salt air smelled wonderful and clean. He determined that he would take his vampire to the beach as soon as he got him back.
"I do love this place."
"Yeah, love. I know."
"I'm sorry."
"Shh, don't be. I know, I understand."
"You do? How? I don't even understand?"
"You need him, love. The bond draws you to him; he's me."
"The bond? Is that all it is, am I using him to try and replace you? God, I don't want that! I don't want to use him; he deserves more than that. You deserve more than that."
"It's not like that, Xan. I know you wouldn't do that to him, or to me. He's me, yeah? And you love me, right? So it was only a matter of time, pet. Whether I was with you or not, if you spent enough time with him this would have happened. You remember the other one? The one we took to our bed? If we'd have stayed there for awhile you would have felt it with him, too."
Xander relaxed back into Spike's arms. He was still unsure of what he was going to do as far as things with him and the Spike in his bed were concerned, but knowing that his Spike wasn't hurt by it, or angry with him, helped a lot.
"What about when you come back? What happens then?"
"We deal. Don't worry so much, love. Things will all work out in the end."
"I love you."
"I know, pet. I love you too."
"Spike?"
"Yeah, love?"
"How much do you know?"
"All of it."
"All of it?"
"Yes, pet. I know about the bite, the bond, the... what did you call it? Oh right, sort-of-sex. I know about that, too." Xander felt his heart breaking. He had done an unspeakable thing and he couldn't believe that Spike wasn't angry with him. Didn't he mean anything to him?
"Don't even think it, love. You mean everything to me. You're my everything, Xander. But why should I be angry? He obviously needs you. I know what that feels like. You gave me back my life - my sense of self worth - he needs someone to do the same for him. You are that someone." Spike kissed the side of Xander's neck - directly over the fresh scar.
"You may be the only one who can help him, Xander."
"But Buffy..."
"Is the slayer. She knows how to kill demons, love, not how to love them. And don't even bring Angel into this. If she had known what he was when they first met, she never would have fallen for him."
"He loves her."
"He loves you too."
"Not the same way."
"Give him time."
"I don't want to hurt her; she's my friend."
"But she doesn't love him, Xander. Not the way you could, if you'd let yourself."
Xander laughed. He shook his head and then laughed some more.
"I'm rationalising my own wants. It all makes sense now. I dream that you�re real, and you tell me it's okay to want Spike, to love Spike. That I can be with him without feeling guilty. It makes perfect sense now. I'm not going crazy, I'm already there."

"You're not crazy, love. I'm as real as a magically-linked, dusted vamp can be. Read the book, love. Find the poems, and believe me."

Xander woke with a start and opened his eyes. It was still dark in the room but he could see that the dawn would come soon. He gently slipped out of Spike's arms and rolled out of bed. He quietly took Spike's journal out of the bedside table drawer and made his way to the kitchen. After making a cup of coffee, he sat down and steadied himself. He opened the book, turned to the back and felt his eyes fill with tears. He read.

Spike woke alone. He sat up and fixed his senses on the rest of the apartment. He smelled coffee, tears, and Xander. He wearily got up and pulled on his jeans. He wondered what had set the young man off this time.

After getting himself a cup of coffee, Spike joined Xander in the living room. He noticed right off that he was holding his mate�s - his other mate�s - journal. At least he now knew the reasons for the tears.

Xander shook his head and thrust the open book at Spike. The vampire just shrugged and took it. He'd already read it, so he wasn't too concerned about what he'd see. Then he noticed the poetry. With an audible groan, he read the words.

"Okay, so he wrote poetry. It's horrible poetry, hardly enough to bring tears to your eyes. Is it?" Xander laughed at the edge of uncertainty in Spike's voice and shook his head.

"No. It is awful, but it's the most beautiful thing I've ever read. He wrote it for me."

Xander took a deep, fortifying breath and told Spike everything. He told him how he could still be with his Spike in his dreams, that somehow, they were still linked even after Spike's dusting. He told him about the bite - how it had happened in his dream yet was there in the real world, too. Then without making eye contact, he told him about his conversation with his Spike last night. How he said it was only a matter of time before things progressed between them. When he finished, he kept his gaze averted from Spike. He wasn't sure what the vampire would feel after learning all that.

When Xander didn't look at him or even acknowledge that he'd been addressed, Spike spoke again.

Xander looked up and saw Spike smiling at him. He was instantly relieved that Spike wasn't angry.

"He's probably right. Buffy's moving on with her life, she still needs me, yeah. But not the way I want her to. I love her. I probably always will, but I'm not stupid. I'm not going to keep throwing myself at her. She doesn't want me; she made that clear. You and me, well we're friends. Okay, obviously there's more to it then that, but I don't want to rush anything. If it's meant to happen, it will; but as long as we stay friends, that�s enough for me. I don't want to be a replacement; I know you don't want that either, but until we�re both sure that that isn't going to be an issue, I think it best if we spend some time apart."

Xander nodded. He was both worried and relieved at the same time. Relieved that Spike understood what he was feeling, and worried that he was going to avoid him.

"I'm going to go back to Buffy's house to stay for awhile. I think it's the safest solution - I don't know that I won't just give in to the demon�s demands to claim you physically, otherwise. You're too much of a temptation, especially sleeping right next to me."

Xander chuckled as he noticed that his eyes had barely left Spike's mouth the entire time he had been talking. He had to restrain himself from kissing him. Time apart sounded like a good idea.

"You don't have to go away, Xander. I have some self control, you know." Xander chuckled.

"It's not about you - us. Angelus is loose again. I need to go, but I don't want Buffy involved. She's dealing with enough as it is. I can restore his soul permanently, but I don't want to tell her that. After it's done, it can be his call whether he tells her or not." At Spike's stricken look, Xander rolled his eyes at his own stupidity.

"God. I'm sorry. Jeez I'm such an insensitive asshole sometimes. I didn't even think about what this would do to you."

Xander put his arms around Spike and squeezed him tightly. He wanted to take the last two minutes of his life back and reword them. He felt Spike bury his face into his neck and press his lips against the scar. He knew he was reaffirming that he wasn't alone anymore, that even though he didn't have Buffy, he still had Xander. He would always have Xander.

Xander lifted Spike�s head and looked at the miserable expression on the vampire�s face. He just looked so hurt and lost and in need of reassurance that Xander didn't question what he was doing as he leaned in and kissed him. It was meant to be a reassurance, comfort. It started out that way, but quickly it became a lot more. The kiss deepened and Xander pulled Spike onto him so that the vampire was straddling his lap. Xander's hands tightened on Spike's waist as the vampire's hands fisted into his hair, tugging lightly. They bumped their teeth together in their urgency, trying to climb into the other man�s mouth.

Xander tugged on Spike's waist, pulling him impossibly closer. The movement sent their cocks sliding over one another�s and they both groaned into the kiss. Before Xander knew what was happening, he was on his back; his boxers somewhere around his knees and Spike was on him.

The blonde�s jeans and boxers were rucked down and he was grinding his erection into Xander's hip. Xander wriggled until he had freed one leg and wrapped it around Spike's waist. With the added leverage, he pulled Spike down onto him and returned the frantic movements. He was reluctant to end the kiss but he wanted something else more, something that the vampire seemed to instinctively know as he moved away from Xander's mouth and buried his fangs into his neck.

They both cried out as they came almost at the same instant. Xander let his leg slide bonelessly back to the couch and held Spike to him as the vampire licked over the fresh wound and purred contentedly. They were still lying that way five minutes later when the phone rang. Spike reluctantly rolled off Xander and grabbed the phone. Tossing it to Xander over his shoulder he pulled up his boxers and jeans and headed for the kitchen to get a proper breakfast.

"Hello? ... Oh, okay... Uh sure, no problem. I'll be there in an hour, gotta shower first... Really? Okay then, give me fifteen minutes... yeah, okay. Bye, Wills."

Xander hung up the phone and turned to see Spike watching him from the kitchen while sipping on a mug of blood.

"Yeah, some girl from Angel's office called and asked her to come down and resoul him. She needs a ride, so I guess you won't have to cover for me after all."

Xander dashed off to the bedroom to dress and get his journal. It was where he had written the permanent soul restoration spell. He also brought his spell book. Just in case.

After packing these things into a bag as well as a change of clothes, he stopped briefly to kiss Spike goodbye and then left. He didn't see the satisfied smirk on the vampire�s face or he might have rethought his "no time to shower" policy.

The drive to L.A. was uneventful. Xander and Willow made small talk, not really wanting to discuss Angelus, The First, or anything else that was going on. At least Xander didn't want to. He could tell Willow wanted to ask him about what was going on with him. He knew her well enough to know she was practically bursting with concern for him. It almost made him laugh. He wondered if she would still be concerned if she knew the truth.

After parking the car and gathering their things, the two Sunnydale natives made their way to the front of the hotel. Xander whistled and looked up at the big hotel.

"Damn. Deadboy sure likes to show off, doesn't he? No old factories for this vamp, eh? Gotta be mansions and huge abandoned hotels. Although, you gotta wonder where he gets the money for these things. I mean, does being evil really pay that well? 'Cause if it does, Spike must have missed the memo."

Yeah, he had already seen the hotel in another reality, but Willow didn't know that. So he played along, acting as though this was his first time to the Hyperion.

"Come on. The sooner I do this, the sooner you can ask him about his investment portfolio."

The pair walked undetected into the hotel. Xander was suddenly inundated with images of him and Spike and Angel having sex on the floor right where the others were standing. He shook off the images and tried to pay attention to what was going on in front of him.

There was an argument in progress - obviously about Angelus. They listened for a minute, but when the teenager started talking about putting Angelus down, Xander figured it was time to announce their presence. Willow beat him to it.

Wesley looked at her and then spoke her name. Connor gave her a disgusted look and asked if she was a witch. Willow just smiled and replied that yes, she was a witch.

"And you must be Angel's handsome-yet-androgynous son. Oh look, and the sneer is genetic. Who knew?"

The skinny brown-haired girl stepped forward and introduced herself, then Willow babbled on about Wesley�s new look - something Xander had to admit was working for the guy. If he had looked like this in that other reality, he might have been better able to understand that Xander's attraction for him. The Marlboro Man image looked good on him.

Willow wanted to look in on Cordelia, so she and Xander headed for the stairs. About halfway up, Xander stopped and concentrated on the uneasy feeling he was getting.

"Hey, Wills? You go on up, I'm going to go back down and talk to Wes; I don't think Cordy would want me to see her if she's not well. You know, if she looks bad?"

Xander went back down the stairs and motioned for Wesley to join him. When the older man came over, Xander threw an arm over his shoulder and drew him away to the furthest corner of the lobby.

"Well, it's just... Look. Some things happened over the summer, and I can feel things. There is something wrong here, upstairs. I think it might be Cordy."

Wesley stepped back in shock from Xander. He looked at him as though trying to read his mind. Xander sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Look. I don't have time to explain everything, okay? I was cursed. By a vengeance demon. I spent two and a half months - here time, ten months - my time, hopping from one reality to the next. I learned a few interesting facts. One, I know that you are not as straight as you'd like everyone to think..."

Wesley�s eyes bugged out and he looked frantically over at Gunn. Xander just continued speaking as though he hadn't just outed the man.

"Two, I have an uncanny ability when it comes to magic. Three, I can restore Angel�s soul to him permanently. Four, I'm not as straight as I thought I was. And lastly, I learned to trust my own instincts. My instincts tell me there is something off about Cordelia."

"No. But you just keep this conversation between us, all right? I haven't told Willow what happened over the summer. She doesn't know about the permanent soul spell, either."

"No. Willow can resoul him, I'll anchor it afterwards. So, do we have a deal? I keep your secret and you keep mine?"

"One crisis at a time Wes. First we get Deadboy back among the soul-having, then we'll figure out what Cordy's deal is."

"Very well. I suggest you keep an eye on Connor; he is very protective of Cordelia."

"Long story. If we have time, perhaps I'll fill you in later." Just then a green-skinned man came down the stairs and headed towards them. Xander's eyebrows disappeared into his hairline and he whispered to Wesley.

"Um, is that a good demon, a bad demon, or the love-child of Kermit the frog and Liberace?" Wesley laughed and shook his head.

"No, please don't. No need to go on and on and on, sugar. I'm reading you loud and clear. When the shit has finished hitting the fan, you and me? We need to talk."

"About a certain former-blonde with bad teeth, if you get my drift. I think I can help you."

Wesley had no idea what they were talking about. He figured it had something to do with what Xander had told him, but he also knew Lorne wouldn't betray a confidence so there was no point in asking.

"Yes, she apprehended Angelus. She's changed a great deal, Xander. She's not the same girl you knew back in Sunnydale."

Lorne glared at Wesley and the Englishman returned the look. Xander knew whatever it was, they were not in agreement over it. He wasn't so sure he wanted to get involved in all of this. He was supposed to just come down here, resoul Angel, find out about spell options for bringing his Spike back, and go home. Things were never simple. Not even this far away from the hellmouth.

Xander sat at Faith's bedside and watched over her. He had been angry when Lorne told him what had happened, but he understood it. Faith was just doing what she thought was best. Angel was her friend, and she wanted him back. Enough to risk her own life in the process of saving his. He would do what he could to help her recover.

Xander placed his hand on her forehead and channelled energy into her body. He couldn't do much, not with the limited amount of information they knew about this mystical drug she had taken. But as long as she stayed strong, she stood a chance of recovering.

Xander felt the magic start to build up in the hotel. He knew that Willow was beginning her spell so he focused on helping her channel her energies. She was good, and had done this before; but there was something else, something blocking her, trying to stop her from completing her task.

Xander left Faith's side to see what was happening in the lobby. He saw what appeared to be a huge head. A very ugly, very big head. It was growling and shrieking, and everyone was freaking out. Not Willow though; she was still chanting, still doing her job. Xander felt something for her at that moment that he hadn't been sure he'd ever feel again - pride.

He noticed Connor break away from the group and run up the stairs toward him. He should have known, should have seen it before. The boy was obviously infatuated with Cordelia. Xander shook his head and snorted. He was in the same boat once, a very long time ago. All of a sudden the magic swelled and then blinked out. Xander frowned and went in the direction Connor had headed. He was stunned by what he was hearing.

"Evil. If she keeps at it there's no telling what will happen. She already let hell itself into this hotel."

"Connor, you can't! She's too powerful. But you can stop it. The reason for all of this. You have to kill Angelus."

Xander blinked rapidly. Cordy was pregnant? Why didn't anyone tell him? And why would she want Angelus dead? Last he knew she was in love with Angel. Things were definitely fishy.

He tuned back in to hear Cordelia tell Connor that killing Angelus was the only way to ensure their family's safety. His jaw dropped open. He couldn't believe it. Cordy and Angel's son? Eeew! That was just gross. He went off to find Wes; they definitely needed to talk.

He found Wes sitting with Faith. He was just about to lay into him about not telling him about Cordy when Faith woke up. She blinked as she saw Xander standing there, but then suddenly cursed and took off.

Xander and Wesley followed after Faith, but she was too fast to keep up with. By the time they got to the lobby she was nowhere to be seen. Xander saw Willow and Fred talking together and called out to them.

Xander and Wesley headed for the basement, Willow and Fred close behind them. What they found when they got there was an unconscious Gunn, a recently-resouled Angel holding Connor by the neck through the bars of his cage, and Faith who looked better than she had earlier, but still really bad by slayer standards.

Angel looked around and then his eyes rested on Xander. He cocked his head and sniffed the air. Xander suddenly realised what it was he was smelling, and smacked himself on the forehead. He should have known better. Not only did he not mask the claim, he hadn't washed after fooling around with Spike. Too bad Wesley was already unlocking the door.

Xander turned and made a run for it. He got two steps away from the stairs before he was slammed face first into a wall by a snarling vampire. He heard the gasps from behind him, and Willow assuring everyone that he was Angel and not Angelus. He chuckled at his own stupidity and let Angel turn him around and press him back against the wall again.

Angel wrenched Xander's head to the side and tore open the front of his shirt. Everyone gasped as they saw the bite on his neck. Willow stepped forward, tears in her eyes.

Xander sighed in defeat. This was not the way he wanted this to come out. Not here, and not like this. Then again, when had things ever gone the way he wanted them to?

Xander growled - actually growled - and Angel let him go. He didn't move away from him, however. Xander looked Angel in the eye and then smiled as a truly wicked idea came to him. He leaned forward and whispered in his ear.

Angel's eyes went wide and he staggered backwards from the smirking human. He couldn't believe what Xander had told him. But it had to be true. How else would he know that?

"Um, perhaps we should take this discussion upstairs. There is no need for alarm; Xander's fine."

Xander nodded his head in thanks and headed upstairs. Who knew that Deadboy would scare so easily? All he had to do was whisper a few words in Gaelic, and Angel was putty in his hands.

The others followed behind as Xander made his way back to the lobby. He wasn't looking forward to the explanation, but didn't see any way of putting it off. It wasn't likely that Angel was going to drop the subject entirely. Once he was seated somewhat comfortably on the round sofa-thing, Xander took a deep breath and began.

He looked pointedly at Angel and Wesley, then at Lorne who nodded his understanding, as well.

"So I don't need to explain it you. But the rest of you just see a vampire bite. Am I right?"

"Alright, first off, let me tell you that I am not a happy-meal. Spike isn't feeding from me; he's my mate. We're bonded."

Xander looked at the faces of the people assembled. Lorne didn't seem bothered at all, Angel was still in shock, and Wes looked like he wanted to say something but was biting his tongue to remain silent. Connor looked at him with pure revulsion, and Fred merely looked curious. It was Willow's reaction he was worried about. She was the one he had to see everyday, after all.

"I... I don't know what to say, Xander. I mean you disappear for months, then you come home and you won't talk about it, you avoid me like the plague, and now you're gay? And with Spike? What about Buffy?"

"Okay, fine. How did this happen? What the hell happened to you in two and half months that made you seek out Spike as a boyfriend?"

Xander just knew this was going to turn ugly if he didn't do something soon. He looked around and his eyes settled on the door to the office. He stood and headed for the door.

Xander laughed at the look on Angel's face and headed into the office with Willow right behind him.