Spoilt?! Nooo!

Homer's Top 10 'quirks':-

1. Biting bums (well only mine actually) If you ignore Homer he will get your attention. A quick nibble on your rear end seems to do the trick everytime. Failing that a quick tug of your cuff, jacket bottom, also has the required effect .

2. Eye contact. Works everytime. I am amazed at how I know exactly what Homer wants every minute of the day. If Homer wants you to follow him to the kitchen, you will do it. He will run in and out the door till you follow him, or even resort to a kind of strangled moaning sound (he's crap at whining, he hasn't perfected this).

3. Once in the kitchen he finds the 'snatching eye method' a wonderful means of communication. By flicking from your face to the object of his desire until you search where he is looking also ensure Homer will dictate to you exactly what he wants. It's quite amazing that I hadn't a clue what my 2 daughters required as babies, yet I can read my 3 year old labradors mind in seconds

4. Lead tapping. As soon as I return from work, get up, or in fact pass the front door hooks where the leads hang, Homer will hone in with his pathetic eager face and tape gently (well gently to start with, it grows to a frenzied 'get the blummin lead of this hook and round my neck now!!!!')

5. Neck clamping. The dog behaviourists would be horrified with this one... If Barley attempts to come anywhere near me while I am in bed, Homer will jump up and lay his neck over mine and clamp my head to the bed. Anyone who says that wrestling is fixed hasn't done a round with Homer

6. Sleeping arrangements.. Homer has to be on the left-hand side of the bed next to the cabinet, with his head on the pillow - not sure why, it's not as if he switches of the alarm in the morning, or reads his book by the bedside light.

7. Entering/exiting a room. Homer is always paranoid that I am trying to escape from him (if only..). He will not go through the doorway first, but he will not let me go through first either, in case i double back and run back in the room. We therefore both have to shuffle through the door at the same time so as not to trick him

8. The 'three turn circle'. Before going to the loo, Homer has to do 3 exact turns before he empty's his 2 tonne of barely digested food

9. End of day routines. 3 biscuits before bed is a must. 1 rawhide, 1 chew stick and 1 gravy bone. Change this menu and you will not sleep - he will have you in and out of bed looking for his missing hors d'oeuvres for hours

10. Coffee/Tea rights. Humans do not make coffee for themselves. They make it purely for Homer, but have to keep it on the table/desk until it is sufficiently cooled for him to drink. After a 5 minute interval, the mouth taps come on, the whining starts, and Homer must be fed his coffee dregs, or the whole cup if the human was stupid enough not to have drank it in their alloted time slot

Homer's 'Puppyhood'