Chapter 102
Spent, Richie rolled onto his side pulling Jesse into his arms. "Mmmm, this is definitely heaven."
Jesse rested her head on his chest. A yawn escaped before she asked, "What if I hadn't lost?"
"We'd have stayed in Williamsburg," answered Richie as he played with her hair. "How against having children now are you?"
"I'm not against it at all. Why?"
Richie hesitated and Jesse looked up as he said, "I'm almost 51. I don't want to be too old to enjoy my children."
"I understand," she answered as she put her head back on his chest and closed her eyes. Her hand rested on his belly, her fingers playing with the hair just below his belly button. She had just made incredible love to a man she couldn't live without, who wanted children with her, but her heart was heavy. She knew she needed to tell Richie but she just couldn't. She knew what he would say - well, she thought she knew. "Rich, what if I can't have more children?"
"I'd still love you."
"Would you still marry me?"
"Of course," answered Richie but he knew she was holding back. "Jess, what aren't you telling me?"
Despite the fact that his hand had moved to make her look at him, her eyes couldn't meet his. She was ashamed of keeping this detail from him knowing how wonderful he'd been and how much he wanted to have more children.
Her silence and inability to look him in the eyes told him she really didn't want to tell him so he said, "Baby, just tell me. I'm not going to stop loving you."
"Remember when I told you that I was in the hospital for a month when I was little?"
"Yeah, it was when your mom left. You said they never decided what was wrong."
"That wasn't exactly the truth." Jesse bit her lip as she looked at Richie trying to judge what kind of mood he was in. "They found a birth defect in my heart but they decided not to fix it. They felt like the risk was too great to me because I was so weak at the time."
"CAN it be fixed?"
"Yes."
"Have you considered doing it?"
"No. Honestly, I didn't know anything about it until I got pregnant with Stevie. Daddy kept it from me and since then, I haven't really given it much thought. I just get tired quicker when I do a lot of physical activity."
"That's why you really didn't think much of having mono?"
"Yeah, until the soar throat and fever started. The reason Daddy finally told me about it is because the doctors told him when I was little that getting pregnant wasn't a good idea for me....that the strain on my heart would be too much."
"Did you have any trouble with Stevie?"
"No, but it was still considered a high risk pregnancy and they monitored me the entire time."
Richie remained quiet as he thought about what she'd said. He continued to play with her hair too.
Jesse started getting a bit nervous when it had been over five minutes since he'd said anything. She ran her hand across his chest as she asked softly, "Are you mad?"
"No, not mad...just trying to understand why you wouldn't tell me this and why you would agree to have a baby when it could kill you."
"I didn't tell you because it wouldn't change the way I feel about you or my desire to have more children...YOUR children." Jesse propped herself up on her elbow to look at him. "Richie, I love you with all that I am and I told you once before when we were talking about the age difference....I don't care if I have one day or one year or a hundred years with you. Just being with you is a gift from God."
"I love you too but I will NOT put your life ahead of my desire to have more children."
"Richie, you have given me so much and you've only asked me for one thing....more children. I WANT to give you that."
"Jess, no! What kind of second chance at love is it if you won't survive one of the ultimate acts of love - giving me another child?"
"You could be killed in a plane crash flying to Europe but I can't let that stop me from loving you."
"I don't have any control over that but YOU DO! You don't HAVE to get pregnant. We're using protection from now on until we can go to a specialist."
Jesse could tell that Richie was upset but she was determined. "No, I won't agree to that."
"JESSICA!" he said angrily. "I'm NOT taking any chances."
"You aren't taking the chance, I am. Besides, I could already be pregnant."
Richie got up, his frustration with the situation causing him to be angry.
As he got dressed, she asked, "Where are you going?"
"For a walk."
Jesse knew he was upset so she didn't try to stop him. Instead, she sat up, her knees drawn to her chest. "Richie," she said softly. "I love you."
"I'll be back in a while," he said ignoring her declaration of love. "I need to clear my head and think."
"I know," she whispered, tears threatening to fall.
Richie looked at her and reached out to touch her cheek. She put her hand on his and kissed the palm. Slipping on his shoes, he grabbed the key and left.
Jesse began to cry as soon as the door was closed. She knew she should have told him sooner but he had his heart set on more children and she wanted to be the one to give them to him. Clutching the pillow he'd had his head on, she lay back down and cried herself to sleep.
