Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct ??
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged'" they were calling themselves!
And labor conditions at the North Pole-
were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety-
released to the world by the Humane Society !
And equal employment had made it quite clear-
that Santa could not hire just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid-
were replaced with four pigs,
and you KNOW that looked stupid.
The runners were gone from his sleigh-
the ruts were termed dangerous by E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops-
when they heard hoof noises upon their roof tops.
Smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened-
and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".
And to show the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolph would sue over the use of his nose!
And had gone on TV, in front of the nation-
asking millions of dollars in past due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife-
who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, and left in a whiz-
demanding from now on her title be MIZ!
And as for the gifts, he'd ne'er had a notion-
that making a choice could cause such a commotion,
Nothing of leather! Nothing of fur!
Which meant nothing for him, nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim and nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing just for girls, or just for boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing thats warlike and so, non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales too, while not yet forbidden-
Were like Ken and Barbie - just better off hidden!
For they raised the hackles of those psychological--
who said the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
besides, playing sports exposed kids to the dirt.
Dolls were too sexist, and should be passe--
and Nintendo, 'twas found', rots your brain cells away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
he just couldn't figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, and tried to be gay---
(but you've got to be careful with that word today)
His sack was quite empty, lay limp on the ground;
No suitable gift for this year could be found.
Something special was needed, a gift he might ---
give without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision-
Each group of people and every religion-
Every ethnicity, each color and hue-
Everyone, everywhere...even to you
SO HERE IS THAT GIFT, IT'S PRICE BEYOND WORTH...
"MAY YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES ENJOY PEACE ON EARTH."
"A Kitty's Christmas"
'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.
'Cuzz the cat had pounced on him
And tore him apart -
Ate his mouse intestines
And chewed up his heart.
Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,
Which made him take pause -
He stopped daintily licking
The blood from his claws.
"Must be Santa," thought Kitty
(That quite clever cat)
'Cuz nobody else climbs down
The chimney like that.
Indeed it was ol' Santa
So jolly and fat
With a huge load of presents
And all for the cat!
"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball
And shed some more fur.
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