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The Night Before Christmas

The Night Before Christmas -Texas Style

T'was the night before Christmas, in Texas, you know.
Way out on the prairie, without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
A dreamin' of Christmas, like me and you.

Not stockings, but boots, at the foot of their bed,
For this was Texas, what more need be said,
When all of a sudden, from out of the still night,
There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright.

And I saw 'cross the prairie, like a shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, come on at a run,
The driver was "Geein" and "Hawin", with a will,
The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

"Come on there Buck, Poncho, & Prince, to the right,
There'll be plenty of travelin' for you all tonight."
The driver in Levi's and a shirt that was red,
Had a ten-gallon Stetson on top of his head.

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,
With his beard and moustache, so curly and white.
As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,
And were so astonished, that neither one spoke.

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,
That neither could think of a single thing more.
When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper, "Are you really Santa Claus?"

"Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?"
And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink.
Then he leaped in his buckboard, and called back in his drawl,
"To all the children in Texas, Merry Christmas, You-all"

The Night Before Christmas - AOL Style

T'was the night before Christmas
I just couldn't sleep.
So I hopped out of bed
and downstairs I did creep.

I went to the kitchen
in search of a bite.
If I filled up my stomach,
perhaps I'd sleep tight.

The cupboard was empty
the fridge, it was bare.
I searched but I couldn't
find food anywhere.

I looked out the window:
Streets covered with snow;
at two in the morning--
just where could I go?

I spied my computer,
I just go boot-up that.
I'll take me online
for some Christmas Eve chat.

The modem connected
without a delay!
In the blink of an eye,
I'd be chatting away.

But-----no voice bid me "Welcome"
or said: "You've got mail."
And I thought now's a bad time
for my sound card to fail.

My buddy list opened
with not even one name.
Is everyone sleeping?
Well, I'll go play a game.

I couldn't get into
Out Of Order or Slingo.
Strike A Match wouldn't work--and
neither did Bingo!!!!!!

The chat rooms were empty!
I thought: Wow--that's just great?
AOL picked a fine time
for another update.

IM's weren't working.
My mail wouldn't send.
I felt so alone.
Couldn't find just one friend.

But wait! What's that sound?
Did I just hear a chime?
There's someone else out there.
Somebody's on-line!

In wonder---I read:
"Hey---it's 3:53.
Your friends are all sleeping;
that's where you should be".

"Turn off that 'puter.
Take your hand off that mouse.
I have a few things
to drop off at your house".

"You know I can't stop there
while you're still awake.
I have schedules to keep.
Come on----Give Me A Break!"

If you really are Santa
(that jolly, old elf)
there's only one present
I'd wish for myself.

The folks on my buddy list.
Those friends far and near.
You just gather them up
and bring them right here.

In just a few hours
I awoke with a start.
It was only a dream--I sighed
heavy of heart.

I walked down the stairs
and there 'round my tree,
were all of the people
I thought I'd never see.

We laughed and we {{{{{{{{{{hugged}}}}}}}}}}}
and we just had a ball.
Hmmmmmm--maybe that wasn't
a dream after all.

So listen up people
this secret I'll tell:
I've found the real Santa---
---he's on A O L!!!!

The Night before Christmas for MOMs

It was the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode
only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
while visions of Nintendo 64 and Barbie, flipped through their heads.
The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
with a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
which made her sigh, "Now what's the matter?"
With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
she descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
"Oh great," muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug."
"Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake."
"Your gift was especially difficult to make."
"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone."
"Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."
"A clone?" she asked, "What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat."
Then out walked the clone -The mother's twin.
Same hair, same eyes, same double chin.
"She'll cook, she'll dust, she'll mop every mess.
You'll relax, take it easy, watch The Young & the Restless."
"Fantastic!" the mom cheered. "My dream come true!
"I'll shop. I'll read, I'll sleep a whole night through!"
From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
"Mommy?! I scared... and I 'm wet."
The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the mom smiled, "She knows her part."
The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune,
as she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon.
"You the best mommy ever. " I really love you."
The clone smiled and sighed, "I love you, too."
The mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal. "
That's my child's love, she's trying to steal."
Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear,
Only one loving mother, is needed here."
The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
"Thank you, Santa, " for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won't be very long,
when they'll be too old, for my cradle-song."
The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time."
With the clone by his side Santa said, "Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, Mom, You'll be all right."

The Night Before Christmas In The Mall

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the mall,
Not a creature was idle, shoppers least of all;
The merchandise was placed in the windows with care,
In hopes that great sale shoppers soon would be there.
The parents were hoping to keep out of the red,
While visions of tax returns danced in their heads;
And Ma in her overcoat and Pa in his fleece,
Headed to the mall despite a tight winter squeeze.
When out from the womenswear, there arose such a clatter,
We looked up from our wares to see what was the matter.
Away to the sales rack we flew like a flash,
Tore off the clothing and paid it with cash.
The moms with kids were all in tow,
The stores were all aglow,
When all at once we saw him appear,
A fat old man with a great white beard!
With all the bustle so lively and quick,
We knew in a moment it was just a trick.
Ten bucks for a photo, on the lap of a man?
Better to catch bargains and shop while we can!
"Now Visa! now Mastercard! and American Express!
On Discover, on bank cards, on personal checks!
To the front of the line, to the front of the store!
I want it all! And I want it more!"
As we marched to the car with bags in our hands,
We were startled to see a hungry old man.
As he watched us walk past, down his face rolled a tear.
His clothes were dull rags, and no one drew near.
And suddenly, we felt so ashamed.
The fake glow from the stores had already waned.
For here was someone who reminded us so dear,
Of One who had come to end all our fear.
And lo! Above the mounting spectacle of greed,
Shone a bright star for all to take heed;
That Christmas is more than material things,
It is HIM who we celebrate, and the joy that He brings.

Twas the Night Before Xmas - Dieter's Version

'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
In the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite!

T'was the Night Before Christmas - Politically Correct

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct ??
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged'" they were calling themselves!
And labor conditions at the North Pole-
were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety-
released to the world by the Humane Society !
And equal employment had made it quite clear-
that Santa could not hire just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid-
were replaced with four pigs,
and you KNOW that looked stupid.
The runners were gone from his sleigh-
the ruts were termed dangerous by E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops-
when they heard hoof noises upon their roof tops.
Smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened-
and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".
And to show the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolph would sue over the use of his nose!
And had gone on TV, in front of the nation-
asking millions of dollars in past due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife-
who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, and left in a whiz-
demanding from now on her title be MIZ!
And as for the gifts, he'd ne'er had a notion-
that making a choice could cause such a commotion,
Nothing of leather! Nothing of fur!
Which meant nothing for him, nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim and nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing just for girls, or just for boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing thats warlike and so, non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales too, while not yet forbidden-
Were like Ken and Barbie - just better off hidden!
For they raised the hackles of those psychological--
who said the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
besides, playing sports exposed kids to the dirt.
Dolls were too sexist, and should be passe--
and Nintendo, 'twas found', rots your brain cells away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
he just couldn't figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, and tried to be gay---
(but you've got to be careful with that word today)
His sack was quite empty, lay limp on the ground;
No suitable gift for this year could be found.
Something special was needed, a gift he might ---
give without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision-
Each group of people and every religion-
Every ethnicity, each color and hue-
Everyone, everywhere...even to you

"A Kitty's Christmas"

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.

'Cuzz the cat had pounced on him
And tore him apart -
Ate his mouse intestines
And chewed up his heart.

Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,
Which made him take pause -
He stopped daintily licking
The blood from his claws.

"Must be Santa," thought Kitty
(That quite clever cat)
'Cuz nobody else climbs down
The chimney like that.

Indeed it was ol' Santa
So jolly and fat
With a huge load of presents
And all for the cat!

"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball
And shed some more fur.

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