I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southeast United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of northern Wisconsin and west Michigan. I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with my local replacement, my third cousin from the South Pole, Bubba Claus. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, but there are a few differences between us, such as:
There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He does dip a little snuff, though, so please have an empty coke can handy.
Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs Instead of reindeer. I loaned him my reindeer one time, and Rudolph's head now rests over Bubba's fireplace.
You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
"Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yeehaw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heard that!"
As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a decal depicting "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip character Calvin relieving himself ... but not on a Ford or Chevy logo. His decal shows Calvin going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your area. Instead, you'll see "Ernest Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, including Elvis' "Here Comes Santa Claus" and Bing Crosby's of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." Until this year, songs about Bubba Claus have been played only on AM radio stations in Mississippi. They include such classics as Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is Shania Twain"; David Allan Coe's "Willie, Waylon, Bubba Claus and Me"; and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Kiss My Icicle."
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