“On Our Own”
Episode Ten (#1T10)
The Gang’s Lack of Light
Written By Joe Termine
Scene One:
“Weather, What Weather?”
Location:
The Penthouse
Characters:
The Gang
[The
Gang is sitting around listening to James’ new sound machine]
Katie:
So, you say you invented this?
James:
If by invented, you mean bought, then yes I “invented” it.
Katie:
You don’t have to dumb it down for me, I’m not a child. Can I have my sippy cup now? Mmm, num nums.
Joe:
So, what does this sound machine do?
James:
It makes sounds, sooooothing sounds.
[
Joe’s out cold on the floor]
John:
Works well James. [ James is now asleep as well] This machine is made of
people!
Katie:
I think you’re thinking of Soylent Green.
John:
I didn’t say that! [ John falls
“asleep” as well, only instead of snoring, he’s loudly saying “SLEEP SLEEP!”]
Katie:
When in Rome. [she puts on a toga and walks around]
James:
That’s not Rome, that’s Greece.
John:
Actually it is Rome.
Katie:
Ha, you are awake!
John:
Well, all except for Joe.
Katie:
You killed him!
John:
That’s a pillow.
Katie:
Oh, sorry.
OPENING CREDITS
Song: (to the
same theme music as Cheers)
1. Musical
Beginning
2. Sometimes
you wanna go, where it is always gonna rain,
3. And you'll
always be in pain.
4. You wanna
be where you can see, the people are all insane,
5. You wanna
go where you can be eaten by a Great Dane.
6. Musical
Ending
Sequence:
(corresponding line by line from the song above)
1. A view of
downtown Dayboqrx, with the text "On Our Own" along the center of the
screen.
2. John is seen,
startled by the camera man in a supermarket, accidentally knocking over a shelf
creating a domino effect, his name on the bottom of the screen.
3. James is seen
in the rainy parking lot, his fingers shaped as a gun pretending to shoot at
nothing, his name on the bottom of the screen.
4. Joe is seen
in the rainy parking lot, chasing a sheep, he stops, smiles, and waves at the
camera, his name on the bottom of the screen.
5. Katie is seen arguing with a light pole, her name on the bottom of the screen.
6. John comes
running from the supermarket, mouthing the words "Run for your
life." The Gang runs as the store
collapses and are chased by a pack of Great Danes. On the bottom of the screen reads "Created by John Painting
and James Achaia."
Scene Two:
“Superpowers Found; Minds Lost”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang
John:
Sure sounds threatening outside.
James:
That’s just the sound machine.
John:
I knew that.
Katie:
Who’s been using my razor to shave their back?
Joe:
That was you Katie.
Katie:
Shhhh!
John:
Anyway, what do you guys want to do today?
James:
Katie, didn’t you say you wanted to buy a CD today?
Katie:
No. [long pause] Yes.
Joe:
We can always go to Skip’s CD Shack.
Katie:
Anyway, I wanted to be jipped and ripped off on my CD anyway, so let’s go to
the mall.
John:
The mall, that means we need to take the train.
Katie:
Or we can fly. [makes flying noises and wears a towel cape]
John:
Or, we can ignore your comment and take the 8 train.
Katie:
The 8 train? Never heard of it.
John:
We take the 8 train EVERY SINGLE DAY!
Joe:
Jeez, that day sure should get itself a lovah.
John:
I’m not even gonna answer that, just go bang your head on the table.
Joe:
Done and done. [he hits his head] That
semi-hurt.
James:
Anyway, are we going to the mall, or are we not?
John:
Surprise me.
[The
other three leave without him]
John:
Okay, I guess we’re going.
[He
walks outside to find the three of them holding a giant cake]
Joe:
SURPRISE! Happy birthday! I ate all the icing, you can have the cake.
John:
My birthday isn’t for another month.
But wow, strawberry cake!
James:
No, Joe just couldn’t stop bleeding and he got it all over your cake.
Joe:
There weren’t any towels.
[Katie
is still wearing the towel on her back, she looks shiftily]
Katie:
It’s where I get my powers from, you can’t have it!
[Katie
wipes her head with the towel and throws it away]
James:
You know, Joe could have used that.
Katie:
He has a power, the Incredible Bleeding Man…look at him go.
Joe:
I can’t see straight.
Katie:
Put some cake on that, it’ll be good.
John:
I need that cake for eating purposes.
James:
We’ll just get another one.
Katie:
Good, we may need two because he’s still bleeding a lot here.
[
Joe looks up singing “Zippidy-do-dah” until he collapses]
John:
Well, we’ll stop off at the hospital on our way to the mall.
Katie:
Better make it the other way around, I want my CD now! And besides, Joe can’t lose anymore blood,
he’s low on it in the first place. And
we have this thing of Kool-Aid.
James:
So hospital.
John:
Let’s go.
Scene Three:
“Soundtrack Shenanigans”
Location: Dayboqrx Mall at the Connection
Characters: The Gang
[At the mall,
Joe has an icepack on his bandaged head]
Joe: Wow, you
guys got me to the hospital fast.
Katie: Right,
hospital. [she holds an empty pitcher behind her back]
Joe: And I feel
full of fruity goodness, OH YEAH!
Rolling with the big man!
John: Joe,
you’re smaller than all of us.
Katie: No, I’m
smaller than you, I win!
James: Must you
always win?
Katie: Must you
always, yeah! [she walks into the CD store, leaving the other three behind]
John: Does
anybody ever wonder about Katie?
James: I’m
wondering, what’s Katie’s last name?
John: We do know
that now.
James: Oh right.
Joe: Anyway,
let’s get some CD’s. OH YEAH!!
James: He sounds
like Hulk Hogan.
John: No he
doesn’t………alright, maybe a little.
[they all walk
into the CD store]
Joe: Ooh, look
at this CD. Vitamin C!
John: Are you
alright Joe?
Joe: Well,
except for the head wound, OH YEAH! Oh
look, a movie, A Clockwork Orange.
James: What’s
with the fruit related stuff?
Joe: I just got
back from the face painting booth.
John: Why do you
have two large black eyes and a large black smile painted on your face?
Joe: What’s with
the ninth degree?
James: Don’t you
mean third degree?
Joe: OH YEAH!!!
James: Did you
just tape ice cubes on your head?
Joe: I like it
that way.
James: You
would, wouldn’t you.
Joe: I don’t
know.
Katie: I got my
CD, we can go now.
John: But we
wanted to…
Katie: WE CAN GO
NOW!
John: No need to
yell.
Katie: I’M NOT
YELLING!!!!
Joe: Inside
voice Katie. OH YEAH!
James: What CD
did you buy Katie?
Katie: NONE OF
YOUR BUSINESS!!
James: Well,
we’re all going to have to hear it, so it is our business.
Katie: No, it’s
called None of Your Business. It’s a
collaborative CD from my three favorite artists, the Wu Tang Clan, Enya, and
Barney.
John: Barney’s
not an artist.
Katie: Don’t you
ever speak of Barney that way again!
The song he did about friendship and love was magic!
Scene Four:
“Ark Anarchy”
Location: Pushor Avenue
Characters: The Gang, and a man on an ark
[the
Gang is on their way home]
Katie: Wow, that
sound machine sure is following us everywhere we go.
[camera pans to
sound machine sneaking behind them, then hiding]
John: Umm, it
actually is raining Katie.
Joe: Water makes
me less tasty.
James: What?
Joe: OH YEAH!
[a large wooden
ark rolls by]
Ark-man: Who
wants some redemption?
Katie: I like
recession!
Ark-man: No, no,
no. Not recession, redemption, you know
a time of slow business activity.
John: You just
defined recession.
Ark-man: No
redemption for you!
John: I didn’t
say I wanted any.
Ark-man: Fine
then, a lot of redemption for you!
John: Whatever.
Ark-man: Anyway,
I’m on a quest to capture…I mean redeem two of every creature!
Joe: What are
all those sacks for?
Ark-man: Those
aren’t capturing sacks, they’re redemption sacks.
Joe: I didn’t
say they were capturing sacks.
Ark-man: You
were thinking it.
Joe: You don’t
want to know what I was thinking.
James: Oh yeah?
Joe: Damn it!
Ark-man: Anyway,
back on topic…
Katie: I like
rockets!
Ark-man: Do you
have some kind of hearing problem?
Katie: WHAT!?!?
I like steering noblems.
Ark-man: Noblems
isn’t a word!
Katie: Neither
is redemption sacks, but you don’t hear me saying anything about that.
Ark-man: You
just did.
Katie: WHAT!?!?
I couldn’t hear you, I’m ignoring you.
Ark-man:
Good. Anyway, as I was trying to say,
I’m trying to save two of every animal from the hyper-storm that’s coming.
John: It storms
every day in Dayboqrx.
Ark-man: Yes,
but does it hyper-storm in Dayboqrx every day?
Joe: Yes.
Ark-man: Anyway,
back to my point, I am trying to save two of every creature, happen to have two
creatures that I can save?
John: Well,
there are four of us.
Ark-man: Fine,
you’re on your own then.
[Benji comes
running outside]
Benji: Wait, Mr.
Ark-man person, I have four mil…I mean two of two million different kinds of
cats for you to save.
Ark-man: I’ve
seen your cats before Benji, and they’re all the same kind of cat.
Benji: No
they’re not, they’re different I swear.
Take these two for instant, this one’s from Egypt.
Ark-man: You
just put a scarab on his head.
Benji: That’s
what I said, he’s Scandinavian.
Ark-man: You
just said Egypt.
Benji: Anyway, I
still have this one…he’s made of chocolate. [he bites it and gets a mouthful of
fur]
Ark-man: Listen,
you’re all on your own.
Joe: Ha, that’s
the title of the show.
John: What show?
James: I think
Joe’s delusional.
[dramatic music]
Scene Five:
“A Cat-astrophe”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang and a mischievous cat
[ Joe is eating
a sandwich that is toasted strangely]
Katie: Anybody
smell that burning smell?
Joe: Don’t look
at me…no I mean really, don’t look at me, you have something in your eye and
it’s gross.
Katie: That’s my
iris.
Joe: I don’t care if you do have Egyptian gods in
your eye…stay away from me.
[Katie runs
after Joe and makes him touch the iris]
John: Anyone
seen…
James: Hold that
thought.
[john tries to
reach in his head for something in vein]
James: What are
you doing?
John: Told me to
hold on to my thought so I was trying to .
Joe: You are
encroaching on my territory.
John: What you
talking about Joe?
Joe: It is
simple…you are the smart one , so in turn if you act dumbful…
James: Dumbful?
Joe: The word is
not complex enough for your regular people mind.
Katie: Okay.
Joe: No it’s too
complex for your mind Katie.
Katie: Harrumph.
[the sound of
the door opening is heard]
Joe: Who’s
there?
Benji: It’s just
me, my cat seemed to wander into your apartment.
James: The door
was locked and closed.
Benji: He is a
crafty one.
Katie: That’s a
girl.
Benji: No he is
just very cold…[smiles in a strange fashion]…well bye!!
Joe: He gets
stranger every day.
James: In a week
he will be crazier? Oh man.
Katie: Don’t
worry, you’re not as great as me…it will be okay…so I got the CD…do you guys
want to hear it?
[all at once
they answer differently]
Joe: …sucks
Katie: Fine you
guys are not connoisseurs of fine music.
James [under his
breath]: Neither are you.
Katie: You said
that right in my face.
[the lights go
out for some reason, the CD goes on as a pair of yellow menacing eyes moves
along]
Eyes:
Heheheheheh.
Joe: Why won’t
this god awful music go off?
James: The back
up generator is connected to the stereo only…it is a bad idea now that I look
back on it.
Katie: He is
right, this is a terrible CD, who bought it ?
John: You did,
you dragged us down to the mall to get it.
Katie : You are
such a drama queen, it wasn’t a drag, it was a pull or struggle grab
Joe: OH YEAH!!!
Scene Six:
“Darkness Fails”
Location: The penthouse
Characters: The gang
Katie: Hey
everybody, guess you can’t see me…
John: You can’t
see anyone, it’s a power failure.
Joe: LIES!!!!
Katie: Guess
what I’m doing.
John: Staring at
yourself in the mirror?
Katie: Lucky
guess.
Joe: Yeah,
because I’m the winner.
Katie: Winners
are only for winners!
Joe: What!! DAMN
IT!
James [yelling]:
MAN, I HATE EVERYONE!
Katie: If I was
any greater, well, greater.
[ Joe sits there
humming]
Joe: In the
solitude of my mind, no one can bother me…except for you Mr. Mittens…meow.
John: Man, grudges…HOLDIN’
THEM GOOD!
[there’s a knock
on the door]
Benji [outside
the door]: Hey guys, let me in!
[The whole gang
is befuddled]
Gang
[simultaneously]: There are other people in the room?
Benji: It’s
still dark in my place, can I come into your light filled penthouse?
Joe: No, it’s
just as dark as it is in your place.
Katie: And you
don’t have that God awful CD playing.
God, who the hell bought that crap?
Benji: Yeah, but
it’s less darkified, and I can feel Katie’s boo…LET ME IN!
Katie: NO!!!
Benji: You don’t
understand how frightening it is in my place, it looks like a Cher concert with
all those yellow glowing eyes…the horror!
Like mini-lighters from hell…I love you babies!
Katie: Do you
smell something burning?
Joe: I just made
a sandwich on the generator.
John: You know
the rule, if there’s not enough for everybody, then no one has any.
Joe: Let’s see
you try and find me.
[ John grabs Joe
immediately]
Joe: But Katie’s
got boobs and we don’t have them, but you don’t take them away from her.
Katie: WHO TOLD
YOU ABOUT THAT??? I thought they were
hidden.
Benji [yelling]:
I KNEW ABOUT THEM!
Lefty [also
outside the door]: Hey, hell of a blackout right, hey who wants warm
Schnapps? Oh, no one, okay, I’m
leaving.
Katie [bangs her
head on the door]: NO!!! Sweet alcohol.
Joe: You’re not
old enough to drink.
Katie: Says who?
[the alcoholic
inspector is standing outside the door]
AI: From here, I
can see your breath has .00000000003% alcohol.
You’re coming with me, Drunky McDrunkerson.
Katie: I just
had some Binaca and I sprayed it in my eye.
AI: Eye
intoxication is the worst kind, you people make me sick.
Katie: It burns.
AI: That’s what
they all say alkey.
[he pulls her
out of the penthouse]
Benji: I’ll wait
for you.
Katie: Keep that
man away from me!
Benji [whispering]:
Be strong………like your breath, you alkey.
Scene Seven:
“When the Lights Go Out, the Insanity
Comes In”
Location: The
Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji, Uhdulph
Benji: Hey guys.
Joe: Alright, I
definitely locked the door.
Benji: I used
the window.
John: Let me
check the window to see how he got in [he goes to the window] Oh my God,
there’s a ladder of cats outside.
Benji: I think I
broke their little backs.
[Uhdulph walks
in]
Uhdulph: Hi
guys.
Benji: How’d you
get here Uhdulph?
Uhdulph: I walked
in through the door.
Joe: I SWEAR I
LOCKED IT!
Benji: You mean
I didn’t have to break all of my cats backs to get in here.
James: Why are
you two in here?
Benji: You mean
this isn’t our clubhouse? Quick
Uhdulph, take down the banner.
[banner says:
WELCOME NEW MEMBERS]
Uhdulph: Who’s
in for some…J…J…juice?
Joe: OH
YEAH! Rollin’ with the juice man!
Uhdulph: Uh,
yeah, let me comb my small mustache [he combs it].
[Benji is
staring into the distance]
James: Benji!
Benji: Oh, I’m
sorry, I was distracted by that siren in the distance.
Joe [hides on
the floor]: No, I didn’t do it, I swear, I didn’t know she was a cop. Wearing that shiny blue outfit, and that
gold star……it’s just so sexy.
James: That’s
what cops wear.
Joe: Pffft, now
I know.
John: Everyday
Joe, everyday.
Joe: What?
John: Nothing.
[puts his hand over his face in disappointment]
James: So back
to what we were talking about, what are you two doing here?
Benji: We were
just about ask you the same question.
James: Why, we
live here.
Benji: Sure
answered that quickly. [whispers to Uhdulph: I really love Katie]
James: I love
cake too.
Benji: You’re
not Hitler.
James
[confused]: Thank you.
[Uhdulph stands
there confused]
Uhdulph: I
didn’t know anyone was serving cake, alright.
John: We’re not.
Joe [standing in
the corner with a face full of cake]: [muffled: WHAT?? NO!] I found it behind the generator.
John: That was
from when you wiped your head on it earlier.
Joe: OH YEAH?
John: Yes.
Joe: OH YEAH!
John: Are you
asking me, or are you exclaiming it?
Joe [confused]:
Oh……yeah?
John: Good job.
Uhdulph: No
really, I want some cake.
Scene Eight:
“A Pool of Pathetics”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji, and some dancers
Katie: Man, jail was nothing like I thought
it would be, they gave me my own shank when I walked in.
James: Really?
Katie: No, I just used one of the skinny
kids to start hitting people. Man,
Susie sure does pack a wallop.
John: Well, did you have fun in jail?
Katie: It’s jail.
John: Oh.
Katie: And of course I did.
John: Oh?
James: Oh?
Joe: OH YEAH!!!
Katie: But you know what would be nice…a
nice refreshing dip in the pool.
John: It’s still pitch black in here Katie,
can you even find your way to the pool.
Katie: I found my way here didn’t I?
Joe: Barely. You walked into Benji like three or four times when he kept
yelling “I’m your penthouse door.”
Benji [writing]: Dear Penthouse Magazine,
boy do I have a story for you!
John: Benji, how can you see what you’re
writing?
James: And you’re writing on a cat, I can
tell. [cat screams]
Joe: And another thing Benji, what the hell
are you still doing here?
Benji: I thought you wanted me here.
John: Get out!
Benji: I’m gone.
[ John trips over Benji]
John: You are not gone!
Benji; I’m not Benji, I’m a squeaky
floorboard. SQUEAK SQUEAK……FLOORBOARD.
Joe: We got that to stop saying that a while
ago, so you can’t be.
Benji: Fine, I’ll leave. But one thing…[he leaves]
John: Glad he’s gone.
Benji: I’m still here.
John: Damn it!
[ Joe walks and you hear a giant gurgle]
James: I think Joe found the pool.
Katie: Did we take the tarp off that?
[ Joe is flailing and screaming]
Joe: I CAN’T BREATH!
Katie: Do you think we’re going to find Joe?
John: Don’t hold your breath.
Katie: WAIT, YOU JOE, HOLD YOUR BREATH!
Benji: By the way guys, I left a couple of
cats in the pool, I hope it’s not a problem.
[ Joe is crying in the pool]
Joe: I made a yacht out of the cats. But I can’t find the steering wheel. [cat
screams] There it is. Not too frisky
now are you Mr. Buttons.
Benji: They only have two names, and I can
sense that it’s Angie number two thousand four hundred and twenty six.
Joe: Look Mr. Mittens, I have a friend for
you, and this one won’t die.
Benji: WHAT!?!?
Joe: I’m just kidding, it’ll die real
good. Whoa, there’s other people in
here.
John: What?
Dancers: And a one, and a two, and a three,
and a four.
Joe: Who the hell are you, and why are you
here?
Dancer 1: Hey yo, I’m Butch.
Joe: I know the lights are out, but I can
see you wearing a tutu.
Butch: Hey, it’s my name, not what I am.
[the dancers are doing synchronized
swimming]
Butch: And a three, and a nine, and a
thirteen, and a fifty-seven.
Joe: That’s not how you count.
Butch: Hey, you can save your countin’ for
your fancy law schools, this is synchronized swimming!
John: Joe, get out of the pool.
Joe: Okay [he gets out]
James: I’m gonna put this tarp over their
heads.
[he does]
Butch: Whoa, it’s gettin’ dark in heh.
Joe: It was already dark!
Scene Nine:
“The River Pushor”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji, and
a man on an ark
John: Hey, I’m
gonna look out the window, uh, for no apparent reason.
Katie: Have
fun! Take your coat.
John: Shut up!
Katie: Make me.
John: James, get
the duct tape.
James: QUACK!
John: Not duck,
duct.
James: I knew
that.
Joe: Where are
there ducks?
John: Just never
mind, I’m going to look out the window for a second.
Katie: Take you
coat!
John: Don’t make
this go right back where it started from.
Katie: Placenta?
John: Not that
far back.
Katie: Sorry.
John: Speaking
of grudges…
James: Nobody
said anything about grudges.
John: You would,
grudge holder?
James: That’s
you…way to label.
John: Right,
sure it is Top Secret.
James: Are we
back on that again?
John: It appears
so.
Joe: Excuse me
John, you’re on top of me.
John: That, shut
up!
Katie: Weren’t
you about to look out the window?
John: Yes, but
you keep interrupting me.
Katie: Take your
coat.
John: Shut the
hell up! Oh my God!
Katie: I told
you, you should’ve taken your coat.
John: No, look
outside.
James: How are
we going to get to the window, it’s pitch black.
Benji: Hold
hands, I’ve got Katie.
Katie: I told
you to go away.
Benji: I thought
you said eat a ……… pay.
Katie: That
doesn’t make any sense.
Benji: Alright,
I’m holding Katie’s hand.
Katie: That’s
not my hand, and if you don’t let go of that I’m going to hit you.
Benji: How? I’m holding your other hand.
Katie: Those
aren’t my hands.
Benji: Cold in
here, isn’t it. [she slaps him] Ow, where did that hand come from……dear
penthouse, I have an even better story…she has three hands!
John: Listen, you
can see out the windows, so it’s not that hard to find them.
Katie: To you.
James: So what’s
so great out these windows?
John: Look.
Benji: But I’m
blind.
John: No you’re
not, and look, the entire avenue is a river.
Such craziness, what a flood.
Katie: What, are
you proud of it?
John: No…well, a
little bit…it went from a stream, to a river.
Katie: Why don’t
you marry it?
John: I would if
she wasn’t going out with that damn creek.
[pan to creek
next to the river]
John:
Isn’t it amazing That.
Joe:
I have a freakin’ name.
John:
What are you talking about, I was just saying “Isn’t that amazing.”
Joe:
Oh, okay.
John:
Gee, way to blow stuff out of proportion That.
Joe:
You did it again.
John:
No, I’m saying “way to blow that stuff out of proportion,” my very dear
friend……That……is dear to me.
[laughter
heard from outside]
Ark-man:
Ah, redemption. Tastes like
chicken…which I have two of apparently.
John:
What the hell is that down there?
[The
ark-man is singing “Old Man River”]
Ark-man:
Although I am only 36.
Joe:
Is that that guy from the ark before?
John:
Now who’s saying that, That…
Joe:
You definitely caught yourself on that one.
John:
No, I was saying, “Now who…that…that…who…saying…” Damn, you caught me that
time.
Joe:
I’m getting smarter by the day. Ow, my
head hit my fist somehow.
Ark-man:
Ark-man to the rescue! [hums Batman
music and runs around the ark] Man, I’m
glad I found this cape.
Katie:
That’s my cape!
Ark-man:
Man, am I glad I’m redeemed. Unlike
those four I met before.
John:
Hi!!! [the gang waves to him]
Ark-man:
Oh damn it, they’re still alive.
[Benji
throws cats at the ark]
Benji:
This one has a cut…this one’s missing a leg.
Ark-man:
Is there two of them?
Benji:
I will in a second. [loud scream]
Ark-man:
Put rudders on disgust. [speeds away quickly]
Bye-bye losers! [a whale jumps out of the water] Damn, I knew I should
have taken two of those. [the whale eats the ark]
Scene Ten:
“All Bulbs But Joe’s are Lit”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The
Gang and Benji
Katie: So, the
lights seem to be out.
John: Astute
observation, dummy.
Katie: Am I on
your knee? Is your hand up my…alright,
let’s not finish that sentence.
Benji: My Katie
sonar is going off for sexual…away [he walks into the door]
John: You
seriously haven’t left yet?
Benji: You guys
are in my penthouse, jeez.
James: No,
you’re definitely in ours.
Benji: I know
the lights are out and all, but can’t you smell all the cats.
James: It’s you
that reeks of cats.
Benji: Is it? No, I think it’s Joe.
Joe: I’m
allergic to cats.
Benji: Hence why
you’d reek of them.
Joe: What?
Benji: That’s
exactly what you would say.
Joe: Listen,
just get out.
Benji: This is
my penthouse.
James: If this
is your penthouse, then where are all the cats?
Benji: Meow,
there’s one.
John: That was
you.
Benji: How would
you meow know.
John: Because
you said it mid-sentence that time.
Benji: Damn it,
well, I’m leaving.
John: Good!
[ John trips
over Benji again]
John: Ow, Benji
you haven’t left yet!
Benji: That’s
exactly what the cat burglar would have said!
John: Just get
out!
[the lights go
on, Joe is attempting to jam a Pop Tart in the stereo]
James: Joe, what
are you doing?
Joe: Trying to
make the music stop…and make tasty Pop Tarts while I’m at it.
John: Dude, that
stereo has been unplugged the whole time…[dramatic music]…no it hasn’t, I was
just lying to make the dramatic music play.
Katie: You could
have just pushed the play button.
John: Pffft, now
you tell me.
Joe: Wow, we can
see.
James: Joe,
you’re facing the wall.
Benji: Wait a
minute, this isn’t my house. You guys
lied to me.
John, Joe, and
James: WHAT!?!?
Katie: I told
you.
Benji: Now can I
hold your hand?
Katie: Those
weren’t my hands in the first place.
Benji: Fine
then, I’m going home.
Katie: Don’t let
the door hit you on the way out.
Benji: I will!
[He leaves and
the gang starts talking to each other inaudibly]
Benji [from
outside]: OH MY GOD, I TOUCHED HER…[his door slams shut]
Scene Eleven:
”Just a Light Problem”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Lefty
[a knock his
heard at the door]
Katie: This
better not be Benji, I’ll get it.
[she opens the
door and it’s Lefty]
Lefty: Hey
Katie, hey guys.
John: Hey it’s
Lefty, what a surprise.
Benji [barely
audible from inside his penthouse]: I TOUCHED HER, I TOUCHED HER, MAN, THAT WAS
GREAT!!!!! AND JUST A LITTLE LESS HAIRY
THEN THE CATS!!!
Katie [yelling
to him]: It’s a velour shirt!
Lefty: Yeah, I’m
not gonna pretend to know what you’re talking about, anyway, I need to ask you
guys a favor.
John: I hate to
ask, but what?
Lefty: I need
you to buy all my alcohol, it’s warm.
Katie: I’m not
falling for that trick again.
Lefty: C’mon, we
had no battery power during the outage, do this for me this one time.
[ Joe is seen
across the street raiding people’s fridges]
Joe: It’s not
cold, you don’t need it.
Person: That’s
my couch.
Joe: It seems
warm to me.
John: And that’s
how the Grinch Stole Christmas.
James: What?
John: I’m sorry,
I got caught up in the moment.
Back to Archives