“On Our Own”
Episode Eleven (#1A11)
The Gang Lives Through Halloween
Written by James Achaia
Scene One:
“The Day of Boo’s”
Location:
The Penthouse
Characters:
The Gang, Benji
[The
Gang is sitting around talking about Halloween]
Joe:
So, it’s the day of booze. Where’s all
the alcohol?
John:
Not that type of booze, Joe.
James:
Yeah, it’s like the outside world, it’s Halloween.
Joe:
Oh, damn.
[Benji
walks in wearing a purple shirt]
Katie
[screaming]: OH MY GOD!
Benji:
What, what’d I do?
Katie:
P-P-P-Purple.
John:
You’re afraid of the color purple?
Katie:
Yes.
James:
So, what are you afraid of Joe?
Joe:
Pooh bear.
James:
How about you John?
John
[sarcastically]: I’m afraid of Joe.
Katie
[interrupting]: JAMES IS AFRAID OF DUST BUNNIES!
James:
YOU BITCH!
OPENING CREDITS
Song: (to the
same theme music as Cheers)
1. Musical
Beginning
2. Sometimes
you wanna go, where it is always gonna rain,
3. And you'll
always be in pain.
4. You wanna
be where you can see, the people are all insane,
5. You wanna
go where you can be eaten by a Great Dane.
6. Musical
Ending
Sequence:
(corresponding line by line from the song above)
1. A view of
downtown Dayboqrx, with the text "On Our Own" along the center of the
screen.
2. John is seen,
startled by the camera man in a supermarket, accidentally knocking over a shelf
creating a domino effect, his name on the bottom of the screen.
3. James is seen
in the rainy parking lot, his fingers shaped as a gun pretending to shoot at
nothing, his name on the bottom of the screen.
4. Joe is seen
in the rainy parking lot, chasing a sheep, he stops, smiles, and waves at the
camera, his name on the bottom of the screen.
5. Katie is seen arguing with a light pole, her name on the bottom of the screen.
6. John comes
running from the supermarket, mouthing the words "Run for your
life." The Gang runs as the store
collapses and are chased by a pack of Great Danes. On the bottom of the screen reads "Created by John Painting
and James Achaia."
Scene Two:
“Benji’s ‘Scary’ Idea”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji
Katie:
Why are you here Benji?
Benji:
I have an idea for a scary Halloween.
Joe:
Do you…question mark.
Benji:
Yeah, see, there’s this house that’s supposed to be haunted, and I found a way
to pass the gate.
Katie:
How?
Benji:
See, you open the latch, and you push…not pull…I’ve been trying to pull for
years, but it got me nowhere.
James:
Of course you would never think to try the opposite way.
Benji:
Why must you be so supercilious?
James:
Hey, I’m not a clown!
John:
It’s okay, I won’t tell them about the time you auditioned for Bozo’s position.
Katie:
I always knew you were a clown.
James:
Way to be on my side John.
Joe:
Moo moo.
James:
Why are you mooing?
Joe:
I’m trying to be a duck.
Katie:
Well you’re doing a good job Joe.
Benji:
Back to my idea, please?
James:
Fine, I’ll go, and John’s coming too.
John
[under his breath]: Stupid haunted things.
Katie:
I’m in.
Joe:
Moo moo.
John:
I think it’s unhealthy to leave Joe by himself, so he’s gonna come too.
Benji:
Good, we’ll go tonight at eleven.
Katie:
What about the party?
James:
Oh right, what about the party?
Katie:
I just said that.
James
[pointing over Katie’s head]: I always thought there should be a giant anvil
right there.
Joe:
Hey, what sound does a cow make?
John:
This one. [everybody stands silently]
Benji:
So we’ll go to the party and leave at around quarter to eleven.
John:
Sounds good.
Benji:
Okay then, we’re set. See you guys
later.
[Benji
leaves]
James:
Did we all just agree to go somewhere with Benji?
Scene Three:
“Supermarket Creep”
Location: The Penthouse; Supermarket
Characters: John, Joe, Katie, and a random man
John: Maybe we
should go buy some stuff for the party.
Katie: Good
idea, let’s go to the supermarket.
[Katie and John
go to the supermarket]
John: So, what
are we gonna get?
[a person
appears behind them]
Man: What are
we going to buy?
Katie: Did you
hear that?
John: I didn’t
see anything.
Katie: I said
hear…I said did you hear that…and open your eyes.
John: Oh, I can
hear you now.
Katie: How ‘bout
some punch and pie?
John: Sounds
good.
[ Joe enters the
supermarket]
Joe: Hey guys.
Katie: I thought
I told you not to leave your cage.
Joe: I was
hungry.
Man: Me too.
[the gang turns
around to see a man whistling and looking at some cookies]
John: Maybe we
can find some flying saucers.
Joe: Here’s one!
[he throws an $80 plate in the air]
Katie: Good job
Joe.
Joe: Thanks.
[the three walk
away, the man is in the back and bleeding from the forehead]
[the man walks
up to the loudspeaker]
Man [over
loudspeaker]: WILL THE PERSON WHO THREW A PLATE AT MY FOREHEAD PLEASE REPORT TO
THE BACK OF AISLE THREE, THERE’S AN ASS-WHOOPING WAITING FOR YOU!
Joe: My dad is
here, I’ll be back.
[after a few
seconds, Joe comes back with a black eye]
John: Nice
costume.
Katie: What are
you supposed to be?
[the man is
behind Joe, and whispers in his ear]
Man: Ahem, say
chicken.
Joe: A chicken.
Katie: Once
again, well done Joe.
John: I think
that guy’s following us.
Man: No I’m not.
Katie: Sir, are
you following us?
Man: No…I mean
yes…I mean damn, damn that Windows Stalker 2000.
John: What do
you mean?
Man: I’m trying
to be a professional stalker.
Joe: Really?
Man: How am I
doing?
John: On a scale
from 1 to 10, you are a 0.5.
Joe [screaming]:
BINGO!
Man: I was
staring at her most of the time.
Katie: Creep.
Man: How did you
know my name?
Katie: What?
Man: Are you
stalking me? [he screams and runs out
of the store]
Scene Four:
“Horrible Costumes”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji, Dr. Johnson
[ John is in the
bathroom powdering his nose]
Joe: John, I
need to use the John.
John: Damn, I
should’ve bought a little bigger size…it’s a little too tight.
[ John walks
out]
Joe: Sexy…very
sexy dust bunny.
[ James sees
John]
James [screaming
like a little girl]: NO!!!!! [he passes out]
[Benji enters dressed as a dog and Dr. Johnson follows, floating in the air,
dressed as a ghost]
Benji: Hey guys,
are you ready?
[Dr. Johnson
screams]
[ James gets up,
sees John again, and passes out again]
Joe: James keeps
falling for the same bunny.
[Benji walks
towards James and starts sniffing him, James starts to smile]
James [waking
up]: Oh, hello little kitty.
Benji: BITCH,
I’m a dog!
Joe: The cats
dressed you, didn’t they?
Benji: That’s
the best they could do.
[Katie enters
but nobody notices]
John: So, how’s
the weather up there Dr. Johnson?
Dr. Johnson: Oh,
you’re a stripper, John. I wanted to
wear that too but I couldn’t find the costume.
[ James goes
crawling to his room, gets dressed, and comes out wearing Joe’s clothes]
Joe: Did you
steal that from my closet?
James: Maybe.
John
[screaming]: NO!!!!! Now there’s two of
them, they’re multiplying!
James: Man, all
that dressing up got me tired, I need to sit down.
[ James sits
down and hears screaming]
Katie: Get off
of me Cinderella, I can see your underwear.
James: Thank
you, that’s what I was going for.
[Benji starts
barking]
Joe: Good
Benji. You sound like a little girl.
Dr. Johnson
[screaming]: BANANAS!!!
Katie: What, who
said that?
Joe: What did
you say about pigeons, Dr. Johnson?
Dr. Johnson [a
la Tony the Tiger]: They’re grrrrreat!
James: So John,
we’re both wearing tight costumes, how ‘bout we go for a cup of coffee, if you
know what I mean?
John: How ‘bout
no.
[The Gang leaves
for the party]
COMMERCIAL
Scene Five:
“Cats…It’s Not Just a Broadway Show”
Location: The party
Characters: The Gang, Benji, Dr. Johnson, and partygoer Brian
[ Joe is seen
walking slowly like a turtle]
Katie: Joe,
hurry up!
John: Yeah,
c’mon, stop pulling a Benji.
James: Why are
the cats coming, Benji?
Benji: They got
to have fun too.
[The Gang enters
the party, where no one is dressed up, except for them]
Brian: You guys
look…different.
Joe: Thanks.
[Dr. Johnson
floats in]
Dr. Johnson:
Hey, what the hell? Why aren’t you guys
dressed?
Katie: It took
me two hours to get this chair on, so you people had better get dressed.
[everyone stands
still, silently]
Katie
[screaming]: NOW!!!
[everyone runs
out except for the gang]
James: Wow, what
a great party.
John: Let’s go
get something to eat.
[the cats enter]
Benji: Now you
guys don’t drink a lot.
[all the cats
meow at once, and glass begins to break]
Katie: Great,
now my drink is all over my chair.
[a voice is
heard from high above]
Dr. Johnson
[screams]: HELP!
[The Gang looks
up to see Dr. Johnson at the top of the ceiling]
Joe: Having fun?
John: Let’s go
find some pins and throw them at him.
James: Yeah,
that would really burst his bubble.
Dr. Johnson: You
think you guys can send me up a piece of cake?
Benji: Look,
Angie number three hundred forty-seven wants to do some karaoke.
Angie 347: MEOW
MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW.
Scene Six:
“Punch and Pie, Anyone?”
Location: The party
Characters: The Gang, Benji, Dr. Johnson
[everyone
returns dressed]
Joe: I’m really
enjoying this party.
James: Yeah, but
we can’t seem to hit Dr. Johnson.
Dr. Johnson:
C’mon, you guys suck at this, put your backs into it.
[ Joe rolls over
onto his back]
John: He’s too
high.
Benji: So Katie,
you wanna dance?
Katie: You wanna
live to say you went to this party?
Benji: Whoa,
somebody woke up on the wrong end of the table.
[a loud pop is
heard]
James: I did
it!!!
[Dr. Johnson
falls on Katie]
Katie: That’s
it. [she starts throwing food at Dr.
Johnson]
Dr. Johnson:
Take that you damn chair!
Joe: What’s
going on? [he gets hit with a piece of
pie] Wait until Master Splinter hears
about this!
James: Shut up
turtle boy. [he starts throwing cheese
doodles]
John: I want
some action.
[everybody
starts throwing food at John]
Dr. Johnson: My
bubble, eat punch you freakin’ bunny!
James: I popped
your bubble.
Dr. Johnson:
Well then, die caterpillar!
[one hour
passes, and there’s no more food]
Benji: I’m full!
Katie: We barely
ate anything.
Benji: I’m a dog
remember? I took what was on the floor.
James: The
sixteen thousand pounds of cat shampoo will be hear at nine AM Monday morning.
Benji: Okay
good.
Joe: Moo moo.
John: Not this
again. [he smacks Joe]
[Dr. Johnson
finds a door that leads to the kitchen and pulls out two carts of food]
Dr. Johnson: Oh
dog food, delicious. Now let’s get
ready to rumble! [he starts throwing
more food at everyone]
Joe: He’s a mad
woman!
John: You had to
pop his bubble.
James: It was
your idea! [a pot of gravy sauce hits
James] This means war. [he throws Joe at Dr. Johnson]
Katie: Everybody
stop! [everybody stops, and Katie walks
to the food cart] I didn’t say Simon
says. [she throws more food]
Benji: Hey, it’s
quarter to eleven, we should get going.
[he gets hit with blueberry pie, as the food fight continues] Okay, Simon says it’s quarter to eleven, we
should get going.
[The Gang leaves
for the house]
Scene Seven:
“Crash Bang Boom!”
Location: The Haunted House
Characters: The Gang, Benji, Dr. Johnson
[The Gang
arrives at the house]
Benji: See, lift
and push.
James: Great
detective work Benji.
John: Um,
Benji…did you forget something?
Benji: I don’t
think so.
[guard dogs are
heard barking in the background]
Katie
[screaming]: RUN!!!
[everyone starts
running]
Joe: Wait up!
[ Joe is still
running like a turtle]
Dr. Johnson: Joe
is going down with the ship.
Katie: Idiot.
Joe: I heard
that.
John: That’s
what happens when you become friends with someone who owns four million cats.
[ James trips
over one of the cats]
James: Stupid
Andy…son of a…GO, save yourself!
John: James,
we’re already inside.
James: Oh.
[ Joe enters
with the back bitten off his costume]
Joe: There
werewolf got me.
Katie: They’re
pit bulls.
Joe: Believe
what you want.
Dr. Johnson:
Hey, I fixed my bubble. [he starts
floating again]
Katie: Hey guys…
Joe: I’m a pig,
not a guy.
John: What’s
wrong?
Katie: I can see
through that guy.
James: If you
can see through someone, they should go on a new diet.
Joe: It’s a
ghost. [he screams]
Dr. Johnson:
Hahaha, ghost can’t get me up here.
Katie: What are
we gonna do?
Joe: Feed it one
of the cats.
[all of the cats
meow, and glass breaks again]
Benji: Let’s
feed it Joe.
Joe: Well, I am
high in fiber.
James: You’re
not a tree, Joe.
Joe: I’m not?
John: It’s
coming closer.
[ James throws
Joe at the ghost]
John: Damn,
didn’t work.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Eight:
“It’s Waving”
Location: The Haunted House
Characters: The Gang, Benji, Dr. Johnson, a ghost
John:
Damn, it’s getting closer.
James:
Wait.
John:
What?
James:
It’s doing something.
Joe:
It’s going to eat us!
John:
It’s waving.
James:
No, it’s a death gesture.
Joe:
He’s got a gun!
John:
That’s his leg.
Katie:
It’s coming closer.
John:
I don’t think ghosts can touch humans.
Joe:
I’m not human.
James:
It’s true.
Joe:
According to my calculations…
[long
pause]
John:
Shut up.
James:
It’s in attack position.
Katie:
It’s still waving, moron.
Benji:
Katie, start singing, you’ll scare it away.
[Katie
punches Benji and starts singing]
Katie
[singing]: If you don’t know me by now…
Ghost [interrupting]: I do know you.
John:
What?
Ghost:
What?
James:
I’m confused.
Ghost:
I’m confused.
John:
Stop that.
Ghost:
Girl.
John:
That’s why you’re dead.
Ghost:
That’s why you’re dead.
John:
No I’m not.
Joe:
Katie, keep singing, he’s starting to evaporate.
James:
He’s not water.
Katie
[still singing]: You’ll never, never, never know me…
Ghost:
NO!!!! I’M MELTING!!!
Katie:
Even ghosts are idiots.
Ghost:
It’s me.
[Dr.
Johnson floats over the ghost and pops his bubble]
Dr.
Johnson: Die, devil God!
[Dr.
Johnson lands on the ghost]
James:
Hey wait, that’s Lefty.
Benji:
Oh, that’s right, this is Lefty’s house…the haunted one is next door.
Scene Nine:
“Powder Problems”
Location: The “Haunted” House
Characters: The Gang, Benji, Dr. Johnson, Lefty, Man
Lefty:
Damn it Doc, you’re heavy.
Dr.
Johnson: I don’t like rock.
James:
Why did you go all Michael Jackson on us?
Lefty:
It’s powder.
[Benji
starts licking Lefty]
Benji:
Tastes like flour.
Lefty:
Why are you licking me?
Benji:
I’m a dog.
John:
Because he’s Benji, remember?
Lefty:
Oh right, literally and everything.
[a
man appears at the top of the steps]
Katie:
I feel like we’re being watched.
John:
Me too.
Man:
Me four.
Joe:
Did you hear that?
Man:
No.
Joe:
Oh, it must be me.
Man:
It’s always you.
James:
Who’s saying that?
Joe:
Oh, it’s just in my mind.
James:
I must be psychic.
Dr.
Johnson: It’s just a floating voice.
John:
Dr. Johnson, promise not to speak anymore.
Man
[loudly]: HAHA!
[The
Gang turns around]
Man:
I mean…damn it…[he starts whistling and staring at a box of cookies]
Katie:
Not you again.
Man:
Even the upgrade sucks.
James:
Who is this guy?
Katie:
He’s the creep from the supermarket.
Man:
I’m just trying to make a living.
[the
cats start licking Lefty clean]
Joe:
Um…Lefty?
Lefty:
What?
Joe:
Maybe you should put some clothes on now.
Lefty:
What…oh damn. [he runs upstairs]
Katie:
What are you doing here?
Man:
I’m stalking you…duh.
Katie:
Listen punk…
Man:
Oh, what are you gonna do, sit on me?
[Katie
attacks the man]
Scene Ten:
“The Cat’s Application”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji, Dr. Johnson, Man
[The
Gang returns home]
Katie:
This was a long night.
Joe:
But I’m not tired.
The
Rest [in unison]: Me too.
Man:
I am.
Katie:
You’re not dead yet?
Man:
Sorry.
James:
Oh, you have a message on our answering machine, Benji. [he plays the message]
Answering
Machine: MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW.
John:
What does it say?
Benji:
It’s a cat who wants an application for Andy number thirty-four thousand’s
position.
James:
Oh, let’s hear the application.
Benji:
Okay, name…first and last.
Joe:
Cats have last names?
Benji:
It’s a trick, if he answers Andy and then the number position, he gets points.
John:
Okay Alex Trebek.
Katie:
Keep going.
Benji:
Next are questions.
Joe:
Like?
Benji:
Well, question 119 asks, “Will you ever ask me to pull your tail?”
Katie:
There are more than 119 questions?
Benji:
Of course, one for each cat I own.
Dr.
Johnson: I fixed it again.
[Katie
turns on the fan and opens the door]
Katie:
Good night, Dr. Johnson.
Dr.
Johnson [screaming]: HEY!
[Dr.
Johnson gets blown out the door]
Joe:
Benji, how do we get rid of you?
Man:
YEAH!
Katie:
Leave Mr. I Suck At Stalking.
Man:
Hey, I have feelings too…if you know what I mean.
James:
What do you want?
Man:
Windows Stalker ’03.
John:
Oh, I have that one.
Man:
Thanks!
COMMERCIAL
Scene Eleven:
”Halloween Begins”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji, three kids
[The Gang wakes
up the next morning to the sound of the doorbell, James answers]
James: What?
[Three kids,
Tommy, Bobby, and Anna, are at the door]
Tommy, Bobby,
and Anna: Trick or Treat!
James: What, Halloween
was yesterday.
Tommy: No.
Bobby: It’s
today.
Anna: Now, give
us candy.
James: Bite me.
Bobby:
Okay. [he bites James]
[ James closes
the door in their face]
Anna: BITCH!
Katie: Even the
kids believe in it.
Joe: What?
John: Halloween,
today.
James: Let me
look at the calendar. [he does] Hey, Christmas is tomorrow.
John: Santa,
NO!!!!
Katie: I heard
on the radio that Halloween is today.
[Benji enters]
Benji: Hey, I
have a scary idea for Halloween, because it’s really today.
The Gang: NO!!!
[Katie attacks,
spearing Benji out the door]
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