“On Our Own”

Episode Twelve (#1A12)

The Gang is Cursed

 

Written by James Achaia

 

Scene One:

“The Sun?”

Location: The Penthouse

Characters: The Gang, Benji

 

[it’s morning time as a bright light shines throughout the penthouse]

Katie: Why the hell is it so bright in here?

Joe: Yeah, turn off the lights.

James: The lights are off.

Katie: What?

Joe [screaming]: ALIENS, RUN!!!

John: It’s not aliens, you idiot.

Joe [confused]: Godzilla?

James [sarcastic]: Yes, the light coming from outside is being made by Godzilla.

[Benji runs in]

Benji: ALIENS, RUN!!!

John: Doesn’t Benji and Joe make a cute couple?

James: Yeah, I think so.

Katie: Guys, it’s the sun.

John: Oh okay…wait…the sun?

James: Where did all the clouds go?

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

Song: (to the same theme music as Cheers)

1. Musical Beginning

2. Sometimes you wanna go, where it is always gonna rain,

3. And you'll always be in pain.

4. You wanna be where you can see, the people are all insane,

5. You wanna go where you can be eaten by a Great Dane.

6. Musical Ending

 

Sequence: (corresponding line by line from the song above)

1. A view of downtown Dayboqrx, with the text "On Our Own" along the center of the screen.

2. John is seen, startled by the camera man in a supermarket, accidentally knocking over a shelf creating a domino effect, his name on the bottom of the screen.

3. James is seen in the rainy parking lot, his fingers shaped as a gun pretending to shoot at nothing, his name on the bottom of the screen.

4. Joe is seen in the rainy parking lot, chasing a sheep, he stops, smiles, and waves at the camera, his name on the bottom of the screen.

5. Katie is seen arguing with a light pole, her name on the bottom of the screen.

6. John comes running from the supermarket, mouthing the words "Run for your life."  The Gang runs as the store collapses and are chased by a pack of Great Danes.  On the bottom of the screen reads "Created by John Painting and James Achaia."

 

Scene Two:

“Deadly Horrorscope”

Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji

 

[The Gang is watching TV]

Joe: Hey John, Miss Cleo is giving our horoscopes for today.

John: Okay, turn it up.

Miss Cleo [on TV]: Today’s horoscope is directed to John Painting.  If you go outside on this beautiful day, where the sun is shining, and the birds are singing, and the children are playing…you will die.  Have a nice day, mon.

John: OH MY GOD!!

James: Dude, that sucks.

Joe: Yeah, it’s like you can’t go outside or you’ll die, dude.

John: Yeah, I know Joe.

Katie: Hahaha.

Benji: You know this happened to me once?

John: Really?

Benji: No.

John: This is great, it’s the only sunny day in Dayboqrx, and if I go outside, I’ll die.

Joe: Wait a minute, you got that from what she said?

James: Why doesn’t Joe have a muzzle?

Katie: Oh well, I’m out to do some shopping.

Joe: Yeah, me too.

James: Don’t worry John, I’ll stay here with you.

John: Really?

James: No.

John: Well, what am I gonna do now?

James: Do what you always do.

John: But I just sold my Barbie collection.

James: Um…well, good luck with that.

John: Later.

Benji: I’ll stay.

John: Please go Benji.

 

Scene Three:

“They Left Me”

Location: The Penthouse

Characters: John and Benji

 

John: Ah, the sun, so bright, so…outside.

Benji: You know, maybe we can play a game.

John: What game?

Benji: Let’s see how close you can get to the outside without gagging.

John: OH MY GOD!

Benji: What, it’ll be fun.

John: Don’t you have a job?

Benji: Yes.

John: Then go do it.

Benji: I can’t.

John: Why?

Benji: Because the cats aren’t thrilled with my line of work.

John: They’re cats.

Benji: With emotions, man, with emotions.

John: There is no God.

Benji: Actually, there is…I’ve been told that he’s a cat…

John [interrupting]: OH DEAR LORD!

[the phone rings]

John: Hello?

Katie: Hey man.

John: Please come back home.

Katie: Why?

John: Because Benji’s here.

Katie: Oh, hell no.

John: C’mon, I can’t take it anymore.

Katie: Why don’t you just go outside?

John [sarcastic]: Oh that can’t be because Miss Cleo is an enraged sniper ready to pull the trigger if I do so, is it?

Katie: Oh well, sucks to be you, later.

[she hangs up]

John: BITCH!

Benji: I love her.

 

Scene Four:

“My New Kite”

Location: A toy store, the park

Characters: Joe, James, Katie, Dr. Johnson

 

[ Joe and Katie are outside a toy store, looking in the window]

Katie: It looks like they have some cool stuff in the toy store, let’s go in.

Joe: Do you think they can lease me a car in there?

Katie [confused]: Um…yes.

Joe: Cool.

Katie [under her breath]: Idiot.

[Katie and Joe enter the toy store]

Katie: Hey, this looks like the same Barbie doll collection that John has.

Joe: I don’t see any cars.

Katie: There are some over there.

Joe: Where?

Katie: Over there, away from me.

Joe: Oh okay.

Katie: Hey, this looks like it’s fun to play with.

Joe: What is it?

Katie: It’s a kite.

Joe: Or maybe, it’s a dolphin.

Katie: I think it’s a kite, Joe.

Joe: Are you sure it’s not a dolphin?

[ James enters and sees Katie and Joe]

James: Hey guys, I thought I felt the presence of stupidness.

Katie: Yeah, but John’s at home.

James: So what brings you two to this childish place?

Katie: The same thing that brought you here.

James: Direct TV?

Katie: Um…yes.

Joe: I’m here to lease a car!

James: What?  A car, don’t be silly.  You have to think bigger man.  Let’s go find a space shuttle.

Katie: Nah, I’ll just say it out loud.  IDIOTS!

[ Joe walks back up to Katie]

Joe: You know, I was going to get you one, but now you can forget it.

James: Yeah, way to be strong, man.

Joe: Thanks, now let’s go see about those giraffes.

James: Space shuttles.

Joe: Whatever.

[Katie purchases a kite and goes to the park where she sees Dr. Johnson]

Dr. Johnson: Hey Katie, what’s goin’ on?
Katie: Nothin’ much.

Dr. Johnson: So, what’s in the bag…no wait, let me guess.

Katie: Okay.

Dr. Johnson: Um…oh I know, it’s a ninety inch big screen TV.

Katie: No.

Dr. Johnson: Oooooh, ooh, it’s a pelican!

Katie: No, it’s a kite.

Dr. Johnson: That’s what I said.

 

COMMERCIAL

 

Scene Five:

“Benji’s Field Trip”

Location: The Penthouse, the park

Characters: John, Benji, Katie, Dr. Johnson

 

Benji: Hey John.

John: I’m not John, I’m someone you don’t like to bother…like people you don’t bother with.

Benji: Stop kidding around.

John: What do you want?

Benji: You wouldn’t mind if I took the cats for a walk, would you?

John: Benji, after hearing you sing the theme song from “Three’s Company” for two hours, it would be a pleasure.

Benji: Okay.  [singing as he walks out the door] Come and knock on our door…

[ John pulls out a Barbie collection from under the sofa]

John: Now we’re alone.

[Benji walks back in]

Benji: What did you say?

John: I said that…one of your cats is on the phone.

Benji: Yeah, stop running up my phone bill, Angie number one thousand four hundred fifty-six…um, she’s not on your phone John, maybe you should go lie down and take some strong medication.

John: Will do.

[Benji starts walking the cats and ends up at the park where he meets Katie and Dr. Johnson]

Benji: Hello my love.

Dr. Johnson: Oh, I’m flattered.

Katie: What the hell are you doing here?

Benji: Walking the cats.

Dr. Johnson: Cute dogs.

[the cats attack Dr. Johnson]

[Dr. Johnson is heard screaming in the background]

Katie: So, what’s John up to?

[scene flashes to John in the penthouse]

John [holding a Barbie doll]: Ken, I will always love you.

[scene flashes back to Katie and Benji]

Katie: He’s probably sleeping.

Benji: Probably…hey, speaking of sleeping, how ‘bout you and me take a nap?

Katie: How ‘bout I shoot you with my tranquilizer gun?

Benji: You know, now that I think about it, naps are overrated.

Katie: That’s what I thought.

[Katie fires the gun at Benji]

Benji [in a fading voice]: Why did you shoot me?

Katie: Eh.

[Benji passes out]

[Dr. Johnson returns, wounded]

Dr. Johnson: Man, those are some violent pigeons.

Katie: They’re cats.

Dr. Johnson: You say tomato, I say…cheese.

Katie: Ah, Dayboqrx educators.

Dr. Johnson: Hey, nice boat.

Katie: It’s a kite, now if you’ll excuse me, I was about to play with it so do me a favor and shoot yourself with this. [she hands him the tranquilizer gun]

Dr. Johnson: Okay. [he shoots himself]

Katie: I’m surrounded by idiots.

 

Scene Six:

“Lefty Left”

Location: Lefty’s bar

Characters: Joe, James, Lefty

 

[ James and Joe show up at Lefty’s bar only to find that he is closing]

Joe: Lefty, what’s going on?

Lefty: I’m closing the store for today.

James: Why?

Lefty: Because of the sun.  [he looks at the sun and starts screaming]  SON OF A BITCH, GO AWAY!  AHHHH, IT BURNS!!!

Joe: Do you need some sun block for your eyes?

James: Joe, that’s a Hershey bar.

Joe: Shhhh, he doesn’t know that.

Lefty: No, I’ll be fine.  Hey, what are you guys doing today?

James: Nothing much, just hanging around.

Lefty: Do you mind if I hang around with you?

Joe: Yes.

[slight pause]

Lefty: Oh…um…[he starts crying]  I’m sorry.

Joe: Okay, I was kidding.

Lefty: Good, gimme twenty bucks.

James: What?

Lefty: Yeah, ten bucks a tear.

Joe: No.

Lefty: C’mon, I gotta make something today.  I was sure the fake crying thing would work.

James: Well, it didn’t.

Lefty: Fine, I’m gonna go home to my wife.

Joe: You’re not married.

Lefty: Damn it, I have nothing.  Well, I’m going home to my kids then.

Joe: You have no kids, idiot.

Lefty: WHY GOD, WHY???

 

Scene Seven:

“Mountains Do Smile”

Location: The park

Characters: The Gang, Benji, Dr. Johnson, Lefty

 

[boy mountain walks over to girl mountain and slowly starts to stretch and put his arm around her]

Boy Mountain: Hey baby, wanna reach my vertical limit?

Girl Mountain: You have no vertical limit.

Boy Mountain: So, I was watching you from over there.

Girl Mountain: Well, keep watching.

[scene switches over to James, Joe, and Lefty]

James: Did you just hear the boy mountain hit on that new girl mountain?

Joe: Damn, he beat me to it.

Lefty: MY WIFE!!!

Joe: Dream on.

[Lefty falls asleep]

James: Lefty, wake up.

Lefty: What, I was dreaming…can’t I have anything?

Joe: Um…no.

[scene switches to Katie, Benji, and Dr. Johnson]

Dr. Johnson: The boy mountain’s gonna get his groove on.

Benji: Yeah, you go mountain.

[all the cats put their paws up]

Boy Mountain: Thanks guys!

Katie: You guys are pigs, you shouldn’t pry into his business…let’s get closer.

Benji: Shouldn’t we call James and Joe?

Katie: Good idea.

[Katie calls James’ cell phone]

[scene switches to James, Joe, and Lefty as the phone rings]

James: Hello, welcome to AOL Death Phone.

Katie: What’s up?

Joe: Since when do people call you?

James: Anyway, nothing much Katie, what’s up with you?

Katie: Did you hear the boy mountain hitting on the girl mountain?

James: Yeah, wanna get closer?

Katie: You read my mind.

James: What are you trying to say?

Katie: Nothing, I just meant that I was thinking the same thing you were.

James: So what, because we were thinking the same thing, I’m as stupid as you?

Katie: Meet me at the park in five minutes, idiot.

James: Okay.

[scene switches back to the mountains]

Boy Mountain: So, I saw you giving me the “eye” earlier.

Girl Mountain: No, that was the finger.

Boy Mountain: You know, I sense a little hostility here.

Girl Mountain: Yes, that is me rejecting you…now get away from me before I get out my bug spray.

Boy Mountain: I see, you’re playing hard to get…get it, hard to get…being a mountain and all.

[ James, Katie, Joe, Dr. Johnson, Benji, and Lefty meet up in the park and get closer to the mountain]

Katie: The boy mountain’s not doing so well.

James: Yeah.

Dr. Johnson: Psst, tell her you love her.

Boy Mountain: Um…I love you.

Girl Mountain: Yeah, that’s gonna help.

Boy Mountain: Damn.

Benji: Give her this flower.

Girl Mountain: That’s not gonna work, so you all get away from me.

[Boy Mountain walks away, sadly]

James: Oh yeah, tell her you love her, good idea Doc.

Dr. Johnson: You go to your room mister, and think about what you said.

 

COMMERCIAL

 

Scene Eight:

“Clouds Roll In”

Location: The park, the penthouse

Characters: The Gang, Benji, Dr. Johnson, Lefty

 

Katie: Oh great. [she slaps James and he starts to cry]  The mountain is sad, and here come the clouds.

Joe: This is all John’s fault.

[scene switches to John]

John: And you’re so pretty…you’re the doll for me.

[scene switches back to the rest of the gang]

James: Dr. Johnson, do something.

Dr. Johnson: Okay.

[Dr. Johnson starts to dance]

Katie: What the hell?

Lefty: Yeah, party man…woo!

James: Katie, poke my eyes out.

Joe: Here, have mine.

Dr. Johnson: Cookies.

Lefty: I don’t see any cookies.

Joe: Who has cookies?

Katie: There are no cookies!

Joe: What?  NO!!!

James: Everybody stop!

Dr. Johnson: Chicken.

James: I’m leaving.

Katie: I’m hungry, nice to meet you.

[ James goes back home and sees John playing tea party with the Barbie collection]

James: Hey, I thought you sold that.

John: Um…I did.

James: What?

John: Yes, you’re in my dream right now.

James: Really?

John: Yes…Ooooooh. [he continues making ghost noises]

James: What’s going on?

John: You’re getting veeeeery sleeeeepy.

James: But you’re the one who’s supposed to be sleeping.  Is this a trick?

John: No.

James: Yes it is.  You’re covering up for keeping that collection…so let me play too.

John: Go wash your hands.

James: Okay, but on one condition…

John: What?

James: If you let me shampoo and condition Ken’s hair.

John: What?  No.

[ James runs over to touch one of the dolls]

John: Wait!  Alright, you win.

James: Hahaha, never fails.

 

Scene Nine:

“The Real Thing”

Location: The Park, the penthouse

Characters: The Gang, Dr. Johnson, Benji

 

Katie: Oh my God, those clouds are almost black.

Joe [screaming]: HE’S BURNING THE COOKIES!

Katie: There are no cookies, for the last time.

Benji: Make me some brownies.

Katie: Stop.

Dr. Johnson: So, you’re the new chick on the block.

Girl Mountain: Do I have wings?

Dr. Johnson: No, but I can make you fly.

Katie: Idiot, come on, let’s get out of here before we get soaked.

[scene switches to the penthouse]

James: So, I have an idea.

John: Really?

James: Let’s make the life size.

John: I’m listening.

James: We dress up like the dolls, then play with Katie’s new china set, and then take a hot bath.

John: Well, I don’t know, I have to give it some thought.

James: Okay.

John: Well, enough thinking, I’m Ken.

James: Barbie is me!  I mean, Barbie is I.

John: Whatever, get dressed.

[scene switches to the mountain]

Boy Mountain: You know, I just wanted to be happy.

Rock: …

Boy Mountain: What are you trying to say, that I’m not good enough?

Rock: …

Boy Mountain: Fine, be that way.

Rock: …

Boy Mountain: It’s too late for apologies, go back to where you came from.

Rock: …

Boy Mountain: Oh that’s right, you’re a piece of my ear.

[scene switches back to the park]

Katie: It’s starting to rain behind us.

Joe: And in front of us.

Dr. Johnson: RUN LIKE THE FRIDGE!

Katie: We have no time to correct your craziness.

Benji: Let’s go babies.

[the cats run down the street]

[scene switches back to the penthouse]

James: See, now we can drink actual tea.

John: I know.  [he drops a cup]  Oops.

James: You’re gonna die.

John: I didn’t even go near the outside, and now I’m gonna die due to Katie’s rage.

James: Hey, is that Miss Cleo on the roof across the street?

John [screaming]: DUCK!!

[shots are fired]

James: It’s a potato.

John: And it broke another cup.

James: You’re screwed.

John: What are we gonna do?

James: Get some transparency.

John: I have duct tape.

James: Same thing.

[ James and John tape the two cups]

John: Looks good.

 

Scene Ten:

“Getting Wet”

Location: Pushor Avenue, the penthouse

Characters: The Gang, Benji, Dr. Johnson, Lefty

 

Katie: Ah man, it’s starting to pour.

Joe: Maybe you should get a job.

Dr. Johnson: We should get some device to cover our heads.

Benji: I have my keys.

Joe: I’m walking next to Benji.

[the cats begin to scream as they start getting wet]

Katie: Why are they screaming like that?

Benji: They don’t like fire.

Joe: It’s raining.

Katie: Something is wrong, Joe made an exact observation.

[ Joe starts hopping]

Joe: I’m a frog, wooh!

Katie: And back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Dr. Johnson: Those eyes, they’re so red.

Joe: What?

Dr. Johnson: The clouds eyes are red.

Katie: That’s the stop light.

Dr. Johnson: Oh okay.

[Dr. Johnson stops]

Joe: Hurry up, you’re not a car.

Dr. Johnson: Vroom.

Katie: Let him go.

Joe: Hey, a puddle.  [he pushes Katie into the puddle]  Swim, it’s fun!

Katie: Okay, wanna have some “fun”.  [she pulls Joe in]

Joe: It’s cold.

Dr. Johnson: Me too, vroom!  [he jumps in]

Katie: You’re all stupid, let’s go.

[loud meowing is heard in the background]

Joe: I’m going blind from all the noise.

Katie: Maybe he won’t find his way home.

Benji: I’ll show you the way.  [he points to the sky]

Katie: Where’s Lefty?

[scene switches to Lefty]

Lefty: Will you marry me?  [he throws a rock with a hole on the middle at the girl mountain]

Girl Mountain: Ow, you idiot.

[scene switches back to Joe, Katie, Benji, and Dr. Johnson]

Joe: There’s no time to get Lefty, there’s a tornado coming.

Katie: That’s a leaf.

Dr. Johnson: It’s deadly, run for your life!

[the rest of the gang returns home]

John: Hey guys.

Katie: Hey Carson, what’s with the clothes?
John: I’m Ken.

Joe: And you’re beautiful too James.

James: Thanks.

Katie: What’s going on here, why is the window broken?

John: Long story…so, in 1986…

Katie: Never mind.

[Benji walks in]

John: Not you again.

Benji [singing]: We’ll be waiting for you…

John: Leave.

[the cats enter]

Angie 2001: Meow.

James: Well, hello to you too.

Benji: Where are the rest of your manners?

[the cats pull out a large bib that reads “MANNERS”]

Benji: Good boys and girls.

 

COMMERCIAL

 

Scene Eleven:
”And Then There Was Rain”

Location: The Penthouse

Characters: The Gang, Benji, Dr. Johnson

 

John: Yay, I’m not going to die, it’s raining again!  Wooohooo!

Katie: Not yet.

John: What do you mean, “not yet?”

Katie: What happened to my cups?

John: James, back me up.

James: Sure thing.

Katie: Is that my bra?

James: Never mind, you’re on your own man.

John: Why is it starting to flood in here?

Benji: The cats are leaking.  Guys, shake it off.

Everybody [screaming]: NOOOO!!!

[the gang is soaked again]

Dr. Johnson: Benji, take the dogs and leave.

[the cats attack Dr. Johnson]

Benji: I don’t even have to respond to that.

Katie: Idiot.


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