“On Our Own”
Episode Twelve (#1A12)
The Gang is Cursed
Written by James Achaia
Scene One:
“The Sun?”
Location:
The Penthouse
Characters:
The Gang, Benji
[it’s
morning time as a bright light shines throughout the penthouse]
Katie:
Why the hell is it so bright in here?
Joe:
Yeah, turn off the lights.
James:
The lights are off.
Katie:
What?
Joe
[screaming]: ALIENS, RUN!!!
John:
It’s not aliens, you idiot.
Joe
[confused]: Godzilla?
James
[sarcastic]: Yes, the light coming from outside is being made by Godzilla.
[Benji
runs in]
Benji:
ALIENS, RUN!!!
John:
Doesn’t Benji and Joe make a cute couple?
James:
Yeah, I think so.
Katie:
Guys, it’s the sun.
John:
Oh okay…wait…the sun?
James:
Where did all the clouds go?
OPENING CREDITS
Song: (to the
same theme music as Cheers)
1. Musical
Beginning
2. Sometimes
you wanna go, where it is always gonna rain,
3. And you'll
always be in pain.
4. You wanna
be where you can see, the people are all insane,
5. You wanna
go where you can be eaten by a Great Dane.
6. Musical Ending
Sequence:
(corresponding line by line from the song above)
1. A view of
downtown Dayboqrx, with the text "On Our Own" along the center of the
screen.
2. John is seen,
startled by the camera man in a supermarket, accidentally knocking over a shelf
creating a domino effect, his name on the bottom of the screen.
3. James is seen
in the rainy parking lot, his fingers shaped as a gun pretending to shoot at
nothing, his name on the bottom of the screen.
4. Joe is seen
in the rainy parking lot, chasing a sheep, he stops, smiles, and waves at the
camera, his name on the bottom of the screen.
5. Katie is seen arguing with a light pole, her name on the bottom of the screen.
6. John comes
running from the supermarket, mouthing the words "Run for your
life." The Gang runs as the store
collapses and are chased by a pack of Great Danes. On the bottom of the screen reads "Created by John Painting
and James Achaia."
Scene Two:
“Deadly Horrorscope”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji
[The
Gang is watching TV]
Joe:
Hey John, Miss Cleo is giving our horoscopes for today.
John:
Okay, turn it up.
Miss
Cleo [on TV]: Today’s horoscope is directed to John Painting. If you go outside on this beautiful day,
where the sun is shining, and the birds are singing, and the children are
playing…you will die. Have a nice day,
mon.
John:
OH MY GOD!!
James:
Dude, that sucks.
Joe:
Yeah, it’s like you can’t go outside or you’ll die, dude.
John:
Yeah, I know Joe.
Katie:
Hahaha.
Benji:
You know this happened to me once?
John:
Really?
Benji:
No.
John:
This is great, it’s the only sunny day in Dayboqrx, and if I go outside, I’ll
die.
Joe:
Wait a minute, you got that from what she said?
James:
Why doesn’t Joe have a muzzle?
Katie:
Oh well, I’m out to do some shopping.
Joe:
Yeah, me too.
James:
Don’t worry John, I’ll stay here with you.
John:
Really?
James:
No.
John:
Well, what am I gonna do now?
James:
Do what you always do.
John:
But I just sold my Barbie collection.
James:
Um…well, good luck with that.
John:
Later.
Benji:
I’ll stay.
John:
Please go Benji.
Scene Three:
“They Left Me”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: John and Benji
John: Ah, the sun, so bright, so…outside.
Benji: You know, maybe we can play a game.
John: What game?
Benji: Let’s see how close you can get to the outside without gagging.
John: OH MY GOD!
Benji: What, it’ll be fun.
John: Don’t you have a job?
Benji: Yes.
John: Then go do it.
Benji: I can’t.
John: Why?
Benji: Because the cats aren’t thrilled with my line of work.
John: They’re cats.
Benji: With emotions, man, with emotions.
John: There is no God.
Benji: Actually, there is…I’ve been told that he’s a cat…
John [interrupting]: OH DEAR LORD!
[the phone rings]
John: Hello?
Katie: Hey man.
John: Please come back home.
Katie: Why?
John: Because Benji’s here.
Katie: Oh, hell no.
John: C’mon, I can’t take it anymore.
Katie: Why don’t you just go outside?
John [sarcastic]: Oh that can’t be because Miss Cleo is an enraged sniper ready to pull the trigger if I do so, is it?
Katie: Oh well, sucks to be you, later.
[she hangs up]
John: BITCH!
Benji: I love her.
Scene Four:
“My New Kite”
Location: A toy store, the park
Characters: Joe, James, Katie, Dr. Johnson
[ Joe and Katie
are outside a toy store, looking in the window]
Katie: It looks
like they have some cool stuff in the toy store, let’s go in.
Joe: Do you
think they can lease me a car in there?
Katie
[confused]: Um…yes.
Joe: Cool.
Katie [under her
breath]: Idiot.
[Katie and Joe
enter the toy store]
Katie: Hey, this
looks like the same Barbie doll collection that John has.
Joe: I don’t see
any cars.
Katie: There are
some over there.
Joe: Where?
Katie: Over
there, away from me.
Joe: Oh okay.
Katie: Hey, this
looks like it’s fun to play with.
Joe: What is it?
Katie: It’s a
kite.
Joe: Or maybe,
it’s a dolphin.
Katie: I think
it’s a kite, Joe.
Joe: Are you
sure it’s not a dolphin?
[ James enters
and sees Katie and Joe]
James: Hey guys,
I thought I felt the presence of stupidness.
Katie: Yeah, but
John’s at home.
James: So what
brings you two to this childish place?
Katie: The same
thing that brought you here.
James: Direct
TV?
Katie: Um…yes.
Joe: I’m here to
lease a car!
James:
What? A car, don’t be silly. You have to think bigger man. Let’s go find a space shuttle.
Katie: Nah, I’ll
just say it out loud. IDIOTS!
[ Joe walks back
up to Katie]
Joe: You know, I
was going to get you one, but now you can forget it.
James: Yeah, way
to be strong, man.
Joe: Thanks, now
let’s go see about those giraffes.
James: Space
shuttles.
Joe: Whatever.
[Katie purchases
a kite and goes to the park where she sees Dr. Johnson]
Dr. Johnson: Hey
Katie, what’s goin’ on?
Katie: Nothin’ much.
Dr. Johnson: So,
what’s in the bag…no wait, let me guess.
Katie: Okay.
Dr. Johnson:
Um…oh I know, it’s a ninety inch big screen TV.
Katie: No.
Dr. Johnson:
Oooooh, ooh, it’s a pelican!
Katie: No, it’s
a kite.
Dr. Johnson:
That’s what I said.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Five:
“Benji’s Field Trip”
Location: The Penthouse, the park
Characters: John, Benji, Katie, Dr. Johnson
Benji: Hey John.
John: I’m not
John, I’m someone you don’t like to bother…like people you don’t bother with.
Benji: Stop
kidding around.
John: What do
you want?
Benji: You
wouldn’t mind if I took the cats for a walk, would you?
John: Benji,
after hearing you sing the theme song from “Three’s Company” for two hours, it
would be a pleasure.
Benji:
Okay. [singing as he walks out the
door] Come and knock on our door…
[ John pulls out
a Barbie collection from under the sofa]
John: Now we’re
alone.
[Benji walks
back in]
Benji: What did
you say?
John: I said
that…one of your cats is on the phone.
Benji: Yeah,
stop running up my phone bill, Angie number one thousand four hundred
fifty-six…um, she’s not on your phone John, maybe you should go lie down and
take some strong medication.
John: Will do.
[Benji starts
walking the cats and ends up at the park where he meets Katie and Dr. Johnson]
Benji: Hello my
love.
Dr. Johnson: Oh,
I’m flattered.
Katie: What the
hell are you doing here?
Benji: Walking
the cats.
Dr. Johnson:
Cute dogs.
[the cats attack
Dr. Johnson]
[Dr. Johnson is
heard screaming in the background]
Katie: So,
what’s John up to?
[scene flashes
to John in the penthouse]
John [holding a
Barbie doll]: Ken, I will always love you.
[scene flashes
back to Katie and Benji]
Katie: He’s
probably sleeping.
Benji:
Probably…hey, speaking of sleeping, how ‘bout you and me take a nap?
Katie: How ‘bout
I shoot you with my tranquilizer gun?
Benji: You know,
now that I think about it, naps are overrated.
Katie: That’s
what I thought.
[Katie fires the
gun at Benji]
Benji [in a
fading voice]: Why did you shoot me?
Katie: Eh.
[Benji passes
out]
[Dr. Johnson
returns, wounded]
Dr. Johnson:
Man, those are some violent pigeons.
Katie: They’re
cats.
Dr. Johnson: You
say tomato, I say…cheese.
Katie: Ah,
Dayboqrx educators.
Dr. Johnson:
Hey, nice boat.
Katie: It’s a
kite, now if you’ll excuse me, I was about to play with it so do me a favor and
shoot yourself with this. [she hands him the tranquilizer gun]
Dr. Johnson:
Okay. [he shoots himself]
Katie: I’m
surrounded by idiots.
Scene Six:
“Lefty Left”
Location: Lefty’s bar
Characters: Joe, James, Lefty
[ James and Joe
show up at Lefty’s bar only to find that he is closing]
Joe: Lefty,
what’s going on?
Lefty: I’m
closing the store for today.
James: Why?
Lefty: Because
of the sun. [he looks at the sun and
starts screaming] SON OF A BITCH, GO
AWAY! AHHHH, IT BURNS!!!
Joe: Do you need
some sun block for your eyes?
James: Joe,
that’s a Hershey bar.
Joe: Shhhh, he
doesn’t know that.
Lefty: No, I’ll
be fine. Hey, what are you guys doing
today?
James: Nothing
much, just hanging around.
Lefty: Do you
mind if I hang around with you?
Joe: Yes.
[slight pause]
Lefty: Oh…um…[he
starts crying] I’m sorry.
Joe: Okay, I was
kidding.
Lefty: Good,
gimme twenty bucks.
James: What?
Lefty: Yeah, ten
bucks a tear.
Joe: No.
Lefty: C’mon, I
gotta make something today. I was sure
the fake crying thing would work.
James: Well, it
didn’t.
Lefty: Fine, I’m
gonna go home to my wife.
Joe: You’re not
married.
Lefty: Damn it,
I have nothing. Well, I’m going home to
my kids then.
Joe: You have no
kids, idiot.
Lefty: WHY GOD,
WHY???
Scene Seven:
“Mountains Do Smile”
Location: The park
Characters: The Gang, Benji, Dr. Johnson, Lefty
[boy mountain
walks over to girl mountain and slowly starts to stretch and put his arm around
her]
Boy Mountain:
Hey baby, wanna reach my vertical limit?
Girl Mountain:
You have no vertical limit.
Boy Mountain:
So, I was watching you from over there.
Girl Mountain:
Well, keep watching.
[scene switches
over to James, Joe, and Lefty]
James: Did you
just hear the boy mountain hit on that new girl mountain?
Joe: Damn, he
beat me to it.
Lefty: MY
WIFE!!!
Joe: Dream on.
[Lefty falls
asleep]
James: Lefty,
wake up.
Lefty: What, I
was dreaming…can’t I have anything?
Joe: Um…no.
[scene switches
to Katie, Benji, and Dr. Johnson]
Dr. Johnson: The
boy mountain’s gonna get his groove on.
Benji: Yeah, you
go mountain.
[all the cats
put their paws up]
Boy Mountain:
Thanks guys!
Katie: You guys
are pigs, you shouldn’t pry into his business…let’s get closer.
Benji: Shouldn’t
we call James and Joe?
Katie: Good
idea.
[Katie calls
James’ cell phone]
[scene switches
to James, Joe, and Lefty as the phone rings]
James: Hello, welcome to AOL Death Phone.
Katie: What’s up?
Joe: Since when do people call you?
James: Anyway,
nothing much Katie, what’s up with you?
Katie: Did
you hear the boy mountain hitting on the girl mountain?
James: Yeah,
wanna get closer?
Katie: You
read my mind.
James: What are
you trying to say?
Katie:
Nothing, I just meant that I was thinking the same thing you were.
James: So what,
because we were thinking the same thing, I’m as stupid as you?
Katie: Meet
me at the park in five minutes, idiot.
James: Okay.
[scene switches
back to the mountains]
Boy Mountain:
So, I saw you giving me the “eye” earlier.
Girl Mountain:
No, that was the finger.
Boy Mountain:
You know, I sense a little hostility here.
Girl Mountain:
Yes, that is me rejecting you…now get away from me before I get out my bug
spray.
Boy Mountain: I
see, you’re playing hard to get…get it, hard to get…being a mountain and all.
[ James, Katie,
Joe, Dr. Johnson, Benji, and Lefty meet up in the park and get closer to the
mountain]
Katie: The boy
mountain’s not doing so well.
James: Yeah.
Dr. Johnson:
Psst, tell her you love her.
Boy Mountain:
Um…I love you.
Girl Mountain:
Yeah, that’s gonna help.
Boy Mountain:
Damn.
Benji: Give her
this flower.
Girl Mountain:
That’s not gonna work, so you all get away from me.
[Boy Mountain
walks away, sadly]
James: Oh yeah,
tell her you love her, good idea Doc.
Dr. Johnson: You
go to your room mister, and think about what you said.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Eight:
“Clouds Roll In”
Location: The park, the penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji, Dr. Johnson, Lefty
Katie: Oh great. [she slaps James and he starts to cry] The mountain is sad, and here come the clouds.
Joe: This is all John’s fault.
[scene switches
to John]
John: And you’re
so pretty…you’re the doll for me.
[scene switches
back to the rest of the gang]
James: Dr.
Johnson, do something.
Dr. Johnson:
Okay.
[Dr. Johnson
starts to dance]
Katie: What the
hell?
Lefty: Yeah,
party man…woo!
James: Katie,
poke my eyes out.
Joe: Here, have
mine.
Dr. Johnson:
Cookies.
Lefty: I don’t
see any cookies.
Joe: Who has
cookies?
Katie: There are
no cookies!
Joe: What? NO!!!
James: Everybody
stop!
Dr. Johnson:
Chicken.
James: I’m
leaving.
Katie: I’m
hungry, nice to meet you.
[ James goes
back home and sees John playing tea party with the Barbie collection]
James: Hey, I
thought you sold that.
John: Um…I did.
James: What?
John: Yes,
you’re in my dream right now.
James: Really?
John:
Yes…Ooooooh. [he continues making ghost noises]
James: What’s
going on?
John: You’re
getting veeeeery sleeeeepy.
James: But
you’re the one who’s supposed to be sleeping.
Is this a trick?
John: No.
James: Yes it
is. You’re covering up for keeping that
collection…so let me play too.
John: Go wash
your hands.
James: Okay, but
on one condition…
John: What?
James: If you
let me shampoo and condition Ken’s hair.
John: What? No.
[ James runs
over to touch one of the dolls]
John: Wait! Alright, you win.
James: Hahaha,
never fails.
Scene Nine:
“The Real Thing”
Location: The Park, the penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Dr.
Johnson, Benji
Katie: Oh my
God, those clouds are almost black.
Joe [screaming]:
HE’S BURNING THE COOKIES!
Katie: There are
no cookies, for the last time.
Benji: Make me
some brownies.
Katie: Stop.
Dr. Johnson: So,
you’re the new chick on the block.
Girl Mountain:
Do I have wings?
Dr. Johnson: No,
but I can make you fly.
Katie: Idiot,
come on, let’s get out of here before we get soaked.
[scene switches
to the penthouse]
James: So, I
have an idea.
John: Really?
James: Let’s
make the life size.
John: I’m
listening.
James: We dress
up like the dolls, then play with Katie’s new china set, and then take a hot
bath.
John: Well, I
don’t know, I have to give it some thought.
James: Okay.
John: Well,
enough thinking, I’m Ken.
James: Barbie is
me! I mean, Barbie is I.
John: Whatever,
get dressed.
[scene switches
to the mountain]
Boy Mountain: You
know, I just wanted to be happy.
Rock: …
Boy Mountain:
What are you trying to say, that I’m not good enough?
Rock: …
Boy Mountain:
Fine, be that way.
Rock: …
Boy Mountain:
It’s too late for apologies, go back to where you came from.
Rock: …
Boy Mountain: Oh
that’s right, you’re a piece of my ear.
[scene switches
back to the park]
Katie: It’s
starting to rain behind us.
Joe: And in
front of us.
Dr. Johnson: RUN
LIKE THE FRIDGE!
Katie: We have
no time to correct your craziness.
Benji: Let’s go
babies.
[the cats run
down the street]
[scene switches
back to the penthouse]
James: See, now
we can drink actual tea.
John: I
know. [he drops a cup] Oops.
James: You’re
gonna die.
John: I didn’t
even go near the outside, and now I’m gonna die due to Katie’s rage.
James: Hey, is
that Miss Cleo on the roof across the street?
John
[screaming]: DUCK!!
[shots are
fired]
James: It’s a
potato.
John: And it
broke another cup.
James: You’re
screwed.
John: What are
we gonna do?
James: Get some
transparency.
John: I have
duct tape.
James: Same
thing.
[ James and John
tape the two cups]
John: Looks
good.
Scene Ten:
“Getting Wet”
Location: Pushor Avenue, the penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji, Dr. Johnson, Lefty
Katie: Ah man,
it’s starting to pour.
Joe: Maybe you
should get a job.
Dr. Johnson: We
should get some device to cover our heads.
Benji: I have my
keys.
Joe: I’m walking
next to Benji.
[the cats begin
to scream as they start getting wet]
Katie: Why are
they screaming like that?
Benji: They
don’t like fire.
Joe: It’s raining.
Katie: Something
is wrong, Joe made an exact observation.
[ Joe starts
hopping]
Joe: I’m a frog,
wooh!
Katie: And back
to our regularly scheduled programming.
Dr. Johnson:
Those eyes, they’re so red.
Joe: What?
Dr. Johnson: The
clouds eyes are red.
Katie: That’s
the stop light.
Dr. Johnson: Oh
okay.
[Dr. Johnson
stops]
Joe: Hurry up,
you’re not a car.
Dr. Johnson:
Vroom.
Katie: Let him
go.
Joe: Hey, a
puddle. [he pushes Katie into the
puddle] Swim, it’s fun!
Katie: Okay,
wanna have some “fun”. [she pulls Joe
in]
Joe: It’s cold.
Dr. Johnson: Me
too, vroom! [he jumps in]
Katie: You’re
all stupid, let’s go.
[loud meowing is
heard in the background]
Joe: I’m going
blind from all the noise.
Katie: Maybe he
won’t find his way home.
Benji: I’ll show
you the way. [he points to the sky]
Katie: Where’s
Lefty?
[scene switches
to Lefty]
Lefty: Will you
marry me? [he throws a rock with a hole
on the middle at the girl mountain]
Girl Mountain:
Ow, you idiot.
[scene switches
back to Joe, Katie, Benji, and Dr. Johnson]
Joe: There’s no
time to get Lefty, there’s a tornado coming.
Katie: That’s a
leaf.
Dr. Johnson:
It’s deadly, run for your life!
[the rest of the
gang returns home]
John: Hey guys.
Katie: Hey
Carson, what’s with the clothes?
John: I’m Ken.
Joe: And you’re
beautiful too James.
James: Thanks.
Katie: What’s
going on here, why is the window broken?
John: Long
story…so, in 1986…
Katie: Never
mind.
[Benji walks in]
John: Not you
again.
Benji [singing]:
We’ll be waiting for you…
John: Leave.
[the cats enter]
Angie 2001:
Meow.
James: Well, hello to you too.
Benji: Where are the rest of your manners?
[the cats pull
out a large bib that reads “MANNERS”]
Benji: Good boys
and girls.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Eleven:
”And Then There Was Rain”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji, Dr. Johnson
John: Yay, I’m
not going to die, it’s raining again!
Wooohooo!
Katie: Not yet.
John: What do
you mean, “not yet?”
Katie: What
happened to my cups?
John: James,
back me up.
James: Sure
thing.
Katie: Is that
my bra?
James: Never
mind, you’re on your own man.
John: Why is it
starting to flood in here?
Benji: The cats
are leaking. Guys, shake it off.
Everybody
[screaming]: NOOOO!!!
[the gang is
soaked again]
Dr. Johnson:
Benji, take the dogs and leave.
[the cats attack
Dr. Johnson]
Benji: I don’t
even have to respond to that.
Katie: Idiot.
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