Title: Lovers Run

Author: Jeanny

Feedback: Yes, please! jeannygrrl@hotmail.com

Spoilers: Through The Zeppo

Rating: R

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all the characters that appear on the show are the exclusive property of Joss Whedon, Fox, Mutant Enemy, Inc., UPN and any one else with a legal binding claim to the shows and/or characters. No copyright infringement is intended.

Summary: What if Xander hadn't kissed Willow in Lover's Walk? (A response In Another Life Challenge - https://www.angelfire.com/mo3/fanfic/AnotherLife/Challenge.html)

AN: I've got to put up the *major* character death warnings, sorry. Read at your own risk, cause this is not a happy one.

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What had started as something simple, a friend helping a friend, was rapidly becoming that familiar wrong/rightness that had plagued them since before Homecoming. Willow was pressed up against him, supporting him, warm and perfect and smelling like summer, even though it was nowhere near summer. Strawberries and sweat. Xander could feel her breath, warm and erratic on his face, and he knew he would kiss her. He had to kiss her. No matter how wrong it was.

"We're not supposed to," she said doubtfully. Doubt because she knew it was wrong, just like he did. Doubt because she wanted to kiss him so badly she was trembling. Fear and desire and guilt were at war in her and he knew desire was winning. Her lips grew closer, one hand snaking behind his head. One of them had to be strong, Xander realized. Spike could come back at any moment, and without a plan they were done for. He wasn't going to let them both die for a few more illicit kisses.

"We can't," he said shakily, and she pulled away, a bit disappointed but relieved as well. He licked suddenly dry lips. "I just need to rest for a few moments, and then we'll try again. Try the walking, I mean!" he finished anxiously. Willow nodded, pulling away even further. She grabbed his hand, holding it to her heart like that would somehow make him better. He could feel how fast it was beating, with fear and something else, and his resolve wavered...

"Willow!"

She stood, his hand all but forgotten in that moment of disbelief.

"Oz? Oh God, Oz!" Willow cried, throwing herself into his arms and showering his face with kisses. Xander could see her trembling, and he knew it was as much with shame as relief.

"It's okay, baby. Everything's okay," Oz soothed her, stroking her hair comfortingly. "We're gonna get you out of here." Xander had barely registered the plural pronoun when a dark whirlwind flew across the room towards him.

"Xander! Oh my God, what happened?" Cordelia called shrilly.

"Hi Cordy," Xander croaked. She sat next to him in much the same position Willow had been in earlier, her hands fluttering madly as her desire to touch him battled his current state of blood and dust-covered ickiness.

"Xander tried to protect me, and Spike hurt him," Willow said to Oz, her eyes pleading with him to understand. "We were trying to find a way out, but Xander can't really walk yet. We've got to get him to a doctor." At her words, wanting to touch won. Cordelia leaned forward, kissing her boyfriend's lips lovingly and brushing his hair back from his forehead, mindful of the still-bleeding gash. Xander closed his eyes, pain mingling with ecstasy. Ecstasy fled in the wake of more and greater pain as Cordelia frantically grabbed him by the shirt, giving him a good shake.

"No! Don't go to sleep!" she shrieked.

"What the hell, Cordy?" Xander whined.

"Head wound. You have a head wound. Head wound people are not supposed to go to sleep, you might not wake up again! Right?" Cordelia answered, looking at Willow for confirmation. The redhead was glaring at her angrily. "Right?" she asked again, not seeming to notice.

"They're not supposed to be violently shaken, either," Willow bit off. Oz left her side and crouched down next to Xander, close enough to make him try to glance away awkwardly. Instead the boy held his gaze, his eyes placid except for mild concern.

"You think you can make it up the stairs, man? We've really got to get them out of here," was all Oz said. Xander went to nod, then thought better of it and cleared his throat.

"I can make it," Xander said confidently, moving to sit up and then pausing as the room spun again, a bit less violently this time. "Might need a little help." Oz and Cordelia helped him to his feet, where he swayed for only a second before finding his bearings. Willow worriedly kept looking behind her as she led the way up the stairs, and he eased back on the amount of support he was taking from the others, trying to lessen her worry. He was glad to see that he could, the ringing in his ears less than before. He smiled up at Willow as she glanced back at him again. He was pleased to see her smile back for a moment before she screamed, the step beneath her suddenly giving way. Xander's heart dropped as well. He vaguely heard Cordelia scream and Oz shout Willow's name, but he was already in motion, running up the steps at a speed he would not have believed possible. She had instinctively thrown her hands up and he dived for them, grabbing her wrists, stopping her descent with a jerk that he knew was painful from her gasp. Trembling with effort he pulled her up and back onto a more solid step, stepping down as he did so that their weight was more evenly distributed. Still thoroughly panicked she threw her arms around his neck, shaking so hard she almost knocked them both down. He could hear her heart hammering fast and loud, just like his own.

"Oh God," she panted. "I could have...I almost..."

"Willow?" Oz was right behind him, so much shorter on the lower step that his head was only slightly higher than Xander's waist. Hearing his voice, Willow opened her eyes, letting go of Xander so abruptly he almost fell again, barreling down into her boyfriend's arms. A hand reached out to steady him, and he looked into Cordelia's frightened, pained brown eyes.

"So I'm thinking you're better," Cordelia said, her tone shaky and dubious and accusing, like she knew there was something here she didn't like but she couldn't quite figure out what it was. Xander pulled her into his arms, letting her feel his heart and the lingering aftershock.

"I didn't even think," he said, not sure it was an answer, not even sure there had been a question. He could feel Cordelia sigh.

"My hero," she said, and they both tried to pretend there was no irony in it. Xander pulled out of the embrace, but his girlfriend still kept her hand on his arm, a gesture of possession that was somehow hollow.

"What do we do now?" he asked, the need to move overwhelming him. Willow murmured to Oz that she was okay, and he left her to go closer to the new hole, surveying the damaged stairs with a critical eye.

"I think they'll hold. It's just a big step over."

"And a long way down," Xander finished without thinking. His words renewed Willow's shivering, and Xander instinctively reached for her hand. She shook her head at him, waving him off. He winced, the pain in his head still bad enough to blame it for all the hurting. Cordelia's grip on his arm tightened almost imperceptibly.

"Oz has her," Cordelia whispered tightly, just as the young lycanthrope looked back and gave Willow a reassuring nod.

"Don't worry, babe. I won't let you fall."

Willow nodded, but still held her breath as her boyfriend lightly sprang over the gap. He turned, giving her a small encouraging smile, and reached out his hand. Willow blanched and Xander opened his mouth to reassure her, closing it tightly when he felt Cordelia's elbow firmly in his ribcage.

"Oz, I..." she faltered.

"Trust me," Oz said simply. Willow nodded, grabbing his hand without further hesitation. She landed on the other side with a loud exhalation of breath. She moved past him, further away from the missing stair as if it might chase her. Oz followed and wrapped his arms around her again. She clung to him for a moment, her head on his shoulder, eyes turned towards Xander, who had his arm back around Cordelia's shoulder, his hand stroking her hair. The look that past between them communicated everything they needed to say in a matter of seconds. This...whatever it was that had been going on between them, it was over. They'd both come so close to losing the ones they really loved, and they wouldn't, couldn't let it happen again. No more stolen touches, secret kisses. If it meant they had to stay away from each other, so be it. The gap between them was more than real, it was a symbol of this silent agreement. Right before Willow pulled out of Oz's embrace and grabbed his hand, allowing him to lead her to safety, something else passed between them, something each elected not to acknowledge. The desire that had brought them to this point, still there.

Xander watched them go then stepped across and reached his hand back for Cordelia's. He was surprised to see her eyes were wet with tears that she was furiously trying to blink away.

"Cordy? What's the matter?"

"What happened here, Xander? With you and Willow. Just tell me the truth."

For a moment he was actually tempted to do just that...but he couldn't do that to Willow, so he went with other, less hurtful truths.

"What happened?" Xander repeated. "Let's see, from my perspective, I got the crap kicked out of me, woke up here, Will gave me the lowdown, we started making escape plans which were admittedly a bit hampered by my lack of uprightfulness, and just then you guys showed up and saved us. Except I'm not technically saved until you and I get out of here."

"I saw the way you were with her," she said doubtfully.

"She's my best friend, Cordy. While I was out she had to fend off Spike, for both of us. Way up there on the intense experience scale. When I woke up, she...I don't think I've ever seen her that scared. And we didn't think we were going to get out of here alive. But do you know what I was thinking about, when I thought I was gonna die in here?"

"No," she whispered.

"How much I was going to miss fighting with you...and making up with you."

Xander knew that the last was a lie, but should have been the truth. What he felt for Cordelia might well have been love, but it also frightened him. What was between them was so passionate, almost brutal, and he had already seen too much of that. Love wasn't supposed to be violent, he knew in his heart. He thought that might be part of what had been pulling him towards Willow. She had always been his quiet place, his calming sea. He had never hated Willow, couldn't even conceive of feeling that way about her...but with Cordelia he had been treading the thin line between. He wasn't sure at what point he had stepped over onto the love side, but seeing her looking at him with hurt and confusion and suspicion, he believed it had.

At least he hoped so.

"Really?" she asked in a small voice.

"Really," he said, and meant it. He reached out his hand again. She took his hand this time, letting him help her across. He smiled, stroking her cheek. "Now let's get out of this nightmare." It was more than a metaphor, but less than the actual truth. Everything about his life in the coming weeks would be less than actual truth.

And the nightmare was only just beginning.

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