Title: Amateur Night
Author: Jeanny
Rating: PG-13
Feedback: Please! jeannygrrl@hotmail.com
Distribution: Go ahead if you want. Just let me know.
Spoilers: Vague for Season 3. Story takes place in Season 5 before it got all sad, but sorry, no Riley.
Disclaimer: I don’t own them.
Summary: Anya fulfills a long-time dream and drags an unhappy Scooby Gang along for the ride.
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"Okay. So then the Kevh'nar demon says...he says...ummm...wait...he says, ummm...Oh! He says, 'Even if I knew what it was, I wouldn't sit on it!' No, that's not right...he says, "Even if I knew what it was, I wouldn't lay my eggs in it!' Ha!" Upon receiving a few polite chuckles and a smattering of applause, the T'mah demon's gills glowed pink with pleasure, a considerable improvement from the frightened chartreuse they had been through out most of his act. "Thank you, you've been a great audience! Don't regurgitate and drive!"
"Let's have a big hand for Qwrjifynghiurwpthhh the T'mah! Qwrjifynghiurwpthhh, ladies and gentlemen," the green-skinned Host said, smiling gamely as he introduced a trio of Lardash Pixies that were preparing to imitate the Andrews Sisters. As one, four of the human occupants of Table Eight turned to glare at the fifth, who was offering manic welcoming applause and sweating profusely. The combined glowers of a Slayer, a Watcher and two witches were enough to make any man wilt. Madly Xander signalled for more drinks.
"I can't believe I'm doing this," Buffy growled for the fifth time. "Why are we doing this?"
"Because Giles is a terrible liar and didn't think of a good excuse for us in time?" Willow offered. Buffy put her hand up like she was waiting to be called on in school.
"I've got a good excuse. How about, I'm the Sl-" Xander practically jumped out of his seat to try to stop her from saying who she was.
"Shhhh!" Xander hissed, looking around nervously. "Ixnay on the Ayerslay in erehay!"
"So clever. They'll never crack your code, Xan," Buffy said sarcastically.
"Xander is right, Buffy. We need to be prudent. The presence of a...of you in a gathering such as this might have dire consequences," Giles intoned gravely.
"Giles, you thought the invention of the SUV limo might have dire consequences," Buffy scoffed.
"You haven't ever driven a convertible behind one of those monstrosities!" Giles huffed. Looking nervously around the table, Tara tried to smile encouragement to Xander.
"Anya's gonna be on soon, right? Like really soon?" she said nervously.
"Not bloody soon enough," Giles said under his breath. Xander slammed his hands down on the table, making the glasses jump and startling them all into silence.
"We're here to support Anya. She needs our support. So support already," he snapped.
Meanwhile, Anya paced nervously in the wings of the stage while Spike calmly tuned the Watcher's guitar. She glared at him.
"How can you sit there and be so...not barfy?" Spike shrugged. He was only doing this because Xander had promised to custom build him an entertainment center for his crypt. They needed Spike to perform with Anya because humans could only perform with demons; house rules. Anya had been really infuriated to find out her former vengeance demon status didn’t mean squat.
“Well, there’s the part where I don’t really care,” he began. She started making gagging noises and Spike sighed. If she dropped dead back here there’d be no entertainment center and he’d probably end up dusted. He had to get her calmed down. "Relax, luv. You've just got a case of stage fright. I'll be right behind you, don't you worry."
"Maybe I shouldn't do this," Anya said, seeming not to have heard him. She had turned her back and was pacing away from the vampire. Spike shrugged again.
"Okay," he said. She whirled and paced back towards him.
"No! No, I've been wanting to do this forever,” Anya said, her voice on the edge of hysteria.
“Hey! Watch the jacket!” Spike admonished as she clutched it tightly.
“I dragged Xander and the others here to listen to me. They’re all here, waiting. I have to do this. I can do this. I've sounded pleasant in rehearsal, right?" She moved back to watch the act that was wrapping up, wincing at the butchered harmonies. "Or at least better than that!"
"Right," Spike said, his voice neutral, but Anya smiled, starting to relax a bit. There really wasn't anything to worry about. They had been practicing for weeks. She knew the song backwards and forwards, but she planned on performing it forwards.
"Right. Right. Everything's fine," Anya said as she threw up near the edge of the wing. Lorne walked over to her, clucking kindheartedly. It was hardly the most noxious substance back there, and unlike at Caritas, he wouldn't have to clean anything up.
"Well, you weren't driving. You and the vamp are up next, dollface. You ready?" Anya nodded, mute with terror. The Host sighed as he went to take the stage once more to weak applause, muttering to himself, "This is the last time I'm dragging my verdant butt to Hell-dale for an Amateur Night. I haven’t hosted a good one since someone spiked the chocolate bars and the non-demon locals went loco and stormed the stage...more Led Zeppelin than I personally care to hear at one time, but some of those overage metal heads had talent!"
"Anya! Anya!" Spike repeated, shaking the girl's shoulders until her eyes focused on him. "We're on, luv. It's now or never."
"Then...let's...it's...let's go," Anya said, storming onto the stage before Lorne had even completed the introductions. Spike grinned with amusement as he followed. The lights were too blinding for her to see the audience, but she could hear applause and whistles that she knew were coming from Xander and her friends. Anya smiled and cleared her throat.
"I'd like to dedicate this to my boyfriend Xander, and our orgasms..."
Later everyone agreed it was the finest acoustic rendition of Donna Summer's 'Love to Love You Baby' they had ever heard.
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