GENERAL "I don't own" DISCLAIMER: Look, I wrote this for fun. I don't own ANY of the characters or songs herein contained - Xena, Gabrielle, Argo, the depicted Ares and the depicted "Necronomicon" belong to Renaissance Pictures and Studios USA.

Frank N. Furter, Riff-Raff, Magenta, and the Old Queen belong to Richard O'Brien and Twentieth Century Fox.

The story and the filks belong to me - copyright 2000 Kimyoo Films.

EVENTS DISCLAIMER: For imagery purposes, I place this within seasons two / three of Xena, no rift and before Dr. Furter created Rocky Horror.

I tried to steer clear of YAXI's, but I'm afraid that's impossible. I did try. I wouldn't concentrate on the plot if I were you...this is just a bit o' fluff 'n' fun, nothing more substancial.

Special things convenient to the plot that I didn't mention before are provided generously by "Plot Conveniences, Inc." It's kinda like Acme, but better cuz you don't have to wait by some animated mailbox.

SEXUAL / SUBTEXT and LANGUAGE DISCLAIMER: Honey, if you've seen Rocky Horror or even have the slightest idea of what I'm talking about and that kind of thing makes you feel uncomfortable or is illegal where you live, please don't read further. Believe me...this is an odd little piece of work here.

I believe Xena and Gabrielle are lovers, although in this story neither has told the other what they feel....yet. (Who better than ol' Frankie to get them to realize what they've been missing? heeheehee)

Language-wise, uh yeah...that's par for the course, tho it's not too bad.

SONG DISCLAIMER: Okay, here's what I've done. I've taken some of the original RHPS songs and "filked" them, changed lyrics to fit the new circumstances, for use here. There are other songs I thought were perfect and I've popped them in as well. The last page of this fict has a complete song list including origins. I don't own any of them.

In the filks, some of the lyrics are only slightly changed, others are completely redone.

Thanks to: Kevin Smith (the wonderful actor who plays Ares), who signed my Rocky Horror fan club card and sang "Sweet Transvestite" at the Orlando Xena convention May 1999. And his movie Desperate Remedies. *thud*

Renee O'Connor (Gabrielle), Lucy Lawless (Xena), Tim Curry (Frank N. Furter), Patricia Quinn (Magenta), Richard O'Brien (Riff-Raff), Susan Sarandon (she was Janet), Barry Bostwick (he was Brad) and Little Nell Campbell (Columbia) for playing the roles so well as to make people want to write their further adventures.

Richard O'Brien again, Sam Raimi, and Rob Tapert for the fruits of their wonderful imaginations.

Squrf, Gentr, Riff, Raff, Frank 'N' Lips, *Magenta*, cOlUmBiA, Mink Stole and all the other members of the old Prodigy RHPS fan club board who participated in the original RHPS "rpg" as we called it. (In case you're out there, reading this, I'm Pistol Addams.)

Now...let's get on with the show...

==============

"Denton Dossier presents The Rocky Horror Files: The Warrior's Heart, the Bard's Hunger and the WarGod's New Codpiece Need the Necronomicon" a Xena: Warrior Princess, Army of Darkness, and The Rocky Horror Picture Show crossover extravaganza written by Magenta (Lori Bowen) (the_AURYN@angelfire.com) story copyright 2000 Kimyoo Films

*****
CHAPTER ONE
Let There Be Lips...

It was an unusually quiet night in the Ohio town of Denton, U.S.A. Lightning struck and thunder crashed as Doctor Frank N. Furter's domestic servant, Magenta, sat alone on a windowsill high in the doctor's castle, singing a tune that went like this:

"The bard Gabrielle
The warrior's heart she fell
But they never told the other where they stand.
And Ares stood there in leather underwear
Showing off all that he legally can.
Then something went right
On that cold, rainy night
The guests got their hearts in a jam.
Then at a deadly pace
Xena got on Ares' case
And this is how the message ran...
Science Fiction, Triple Feature
Doctor X will try to please her
See the WarGod fight in his brand new codpiece
Renee O'Connor starred in Darkman II
ohohohohhhohohohhhh
At the late night, triple feature picture show...
I know the WarGod was thinking
"Gee, am I shrinking?"
When he was exposed to Frank's rose tinted world.
And Xena got hot
When she realised what Gabby's got
And fought hard to keep her by her side.
Ares WarGod said Hi,
Then looked Xena in the eye
And told her what he wanted her.
And then guests collided
As the plan to leave was highlighted.
Giving each a taste of their deadly skills.
Like a
Science Fiction, Triple Feature
Doctor X will try to please her
See the WarGod fight in his brand new codpiece
Renee O'Connor starred in Darkman II
ohohohohhhohohohhhh
At the late night, triple feature picture show.
I wanna go ohohohhhh
To the late night, triple feature picture show
By RenPics-O Ohohohohohhh...
To the late night, triple feature picture show
In the back row...oh oh oh oh oh
To the late night, triple feature picture show."
"Magenta?" came the signature call of Riff-Raff. Magenta sighed and got off the windowsill to go to her brother.

*****
CHAPTER TWO
The Home of Happiness

Grunts of exersion and battlecries echoed in the forest that surrounded Xena, Gabrielle and Ares in their fight.

"What's the matter?" asked Gabrielle, a sarcastic smirk on her lips as she got a good hit in on the God of War. "Are you bored? You feel the need to have your ass kicked?"

Ares laughed. "No, blondie, I'm just exercising the two of you. I like getting two women all hot and sweaty."

The bard and the warrior laughed and looked at each other briefly. Xena said, "It would take a lot more than you to make us break a sweat, Ares."

"That's not what you said a few years ago," the God of War taunted.

*Someone else makes my blood boil now...* thought the Warrior Princess as she again looked at Gabrielle. Instead of voicing her feelings, something she was never very comfortable with anyway, Xena launched herself into a tight spin through the air at Ares, knocking the WarGod down, then rolling to her feet just behind him.

Ares flipped onto his feet and, growling, threw a fireball at Xena. Instead of ducking, the warrior did the first thing that came to mind, which was to use her chakram to deflect the ball. When she released the chakram at the ball she realised that it was a futile effort and threw herself to the ground in a tight roll to avoid being hit.

What happened next was unexpected and kinda neat...

Ares' fireball, upon impact with Xena's chakram, ripped a hole into the tidy lil thing called the Space/Time Continuum. A great roar erupted from the hole as everything that wasn't tied down by roots was sucked into it, including the gabby little blonde, her bestest friend in the whole wide world, and the leather clad God of War.

Being sucked through the Space/Time Continuum is a neat idea, but definately not recommended...it's a bit icky and quite unpredictable, as Xena and company found out as soon as they were safely deposited in an odd little town where the inhabitants sing and dance a lot...

"You'll find happy hearts and smiling faces,
And tolerance for the ethnic races...in Denton.
You'll find a rambling rose and a picket fence.
Tenderness and innocence...in Denton.
You'll find conference rooms and a children's playground.
Denton is a real O-K town."
Standing up from the Space/Time Continuum slime that felt an awful lot like hydra saliva after a long day under Apollo's chariot, Xena, Gabrielle and Ares adopted a defensive posture, afraid the Dentonites - police officers, slutty travel agents and their ill-gotten husbands, and cheerleaders among them - might try to make them join in the revelry of their town.

"Civic pride and civic duty and
Denton girls are...full of beauty.
You ain't calling us the goodie goodie two shoes.
We're here to treat you with the good news.
That D-E-N-T-O-N gets T-E-N that's ten out of ten!"
Ares found himself enraptured in the catchy beat of the town's theme song. He was quickly swept up in the number as he was dragged around by the cheerleaders.

"If you're looking for a life of leasure.
You're gonna get a whole lot to please ya...
Again and again,
And again and again
And again!"
Gabrielle stood behind the Warrior Princess, stealthily getting jiggy to the groovy beats, Xena as stoic as ever.

"DENTON DENTON
You've got
No retention you're
Where the heart is
You're okay!"
"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!" shouted Gabrielle as she leapt out from behind Xena and tossed her friend her staff so she, too, could sing and dance with the Dentonites, the leacherous police officer drooling at the sight of the beautiful bard giddily bouncing around in her vaguely Amazonian dance and singing her heart out.

"DENTON DENTON
I'd just like to mention you're
The home of youth, you're
America's fruit, you're Denton
Denton U.S.A.!
This is the maker of America
The Bethlehem of the west.
This is the birthplace of the virtuous
The home of happiness.
Leasure-wise, we're sure you will adapt.
Enjoy your stay, have a happy holiday.
And we'll all put Denton, Denton on the map!"
Xena could hardly contain herself as she watched Gabrielle, the Amazon Queen of her heart, happily dance and sing to the four-chord tune. Something was just not right in this sprightly little town of Denton, U.S.A., and it affected not only Gabrielle and Ares, but Xena could feel it too.

What the Warrior Princess felt was different...a carnal lust for her travel companion she had been able to control before. Now, she tried every meditational technique she ever learned, and a few she just made up, to control herself, though the urge to do very wonderful, naughty things to the blonde, no matter who was watching, was overwhelming. *I need to tell her, but I can't...I'm so afraid she1ll leave me. Gods give me strength.*

*Whatever this other, intense feeling is, it's some how tied to Denton, U.S.A, What the Tartarus does "U.S.A." mean, anyway? We need to get to the bottom of this...innocent people might be in danger...it's all incontrovertably linked to how we got here and how we're getting home,* she continued as she watched the lithe form of Gabrielle dance.

"DENTON DENTON
You've got
No retention you're
Where the heart is
You're okay!
DENTON DENTON
I'd just like to mention you're
The home of youth, you're
America's fruit, you're Denton
Denton U.S.A.!
DENTON DENTON
You've got
No retention you're
Where the heart is
You're okay!
DENTON DENTON
I'd just like to mention you're
The acceptible face
Of the human race
You're Denton
Denton U.S.A.!"

"C'mon, Gabrielle...we have to get out of here," said Xena as she took the bard's hand at the end of the musical number and the people of Denton, U.S.A., nonchalantly went about their business from where they left off.

Ares had ended the number back in the muck from the hole in the Space/Time Continuum, which had, oddly and conveniently for the plot, closed up. "Hey...wait for me!" the God of War shouted just before an ill-placed foot made him flip onto this back.

Xena looked back at the WarGod, who reminded her of a turtle on it's shell, all that tight leather making it hard, if not impossible, for Ares to right himself as a mortal would.

Xena and the bard walked over and stood there, looking down at him. "Whassamatta...poor wittle WarGod fell down and can't get up?" asked Gabrielle, greatly amused by the God's predicament.

"Stop smirking and give me a hand, will ya?"

Gabrielle started applauding. "Woohoo!! Way to go, Ares!"

The Warrior Princess smirked at her weird little friend.
"Very funny, blondie...please?" pleaded the WarGod.

Xena smirked again then reached down and hauled Ares, bruised ego and all, to his feet. "There's something wrong around here...we need to find out what's going on. Maybe then we can get home."

With nods of agreement, the three temporarily ended their feud until they could help these people and get home.

*****

CHAPTER THREE
The Castle
Long and boring was the journey through the forests of Denton, U.S.A. Not a bacchae or a bad guy in sight as Xena, Gabrielle and Ares followed their instincts.

"Are you Zeus?" asked Gabrielle of the God of War, in their game of 'Guess Who I Am.'

Ares snorted. "Hardly. And you call yourself a bard."

"Back off, leather boy," retorted Gabrielle, unable to call Ares anything worse, having used all the good names already.

"Prometheus," Xena chimed in, bored with the game.

Ares smiled at His Favoured. "Yep."

Gabrielle rolled her eyes. She was sick of how Ares pathetically fawned over the warrior she was so desperately in love with. *Gods, I wish she'd use some of those many skills on me.*

The bard often wondered to herself if Xena felt the same about Ares. *Naw...Xena wouldn't go back to being a warlord, no matter how good Ares looked or how tight his leathers were.*

Gabrielle inched her way into the lead of the entourage, Ares taking the opportunity to talk to Xena warrior-to-warrior.

"Honestly, Xena, what do you see in her?" he asked, allowing a grudging respect for the blonde's physique, but not counting that as one of the reasons why Xena would keep her around.

"She's a good friend, Ares, and a good person," she said, while she thought, *And she's got a terrific body...*

"I doubt you have as much fun sitting around the campfire with her telling stories as you had with me on your bedrolls."

Xena looked at Ares and arched an eyebrow. "You've never listened to her, have you?" Ares shook his head.

The warrior turned her attentions back to the path in front of them. She had no idea where they were going, but something pulled them in this direction so she decided to flow with it. She knew that they would find the questions to their answers and a way home if they kept following their instincts.

Soon, night fell on the weary travellers, but they couldn't stop - all of Xena and Gabrielle's bags were left on Argo and for whatever reason, Ares' powers didn't work in Denton, U.S.A.

Xena was about to give up hope when she heard a faint song coming from Gabrielle's lips, herself feeling the need to join in at what she assumed was the chorus.

"In the velvet darkness
Of the blackest night
Burning bright
There's a guiding star
No matter what or who you are.
There's a light.
Over at some freaky guy's place.
There's a light.
Burning in the fire place.
There's a light in everybody's life."

The warrior couldn't control herself, she just had to sing.

"I can see the flag fly
I can see the rain
Just the same
There has got to be
Something better here for you and me.
There's a light.
Over at some freaky guy's place.
There's a light.
Burning in the fireplace.
There's a light
In the darkness of everybody1s life."

Xena and Gabrielle looked at each other and for a brief moment, brief enough to make them think that they didn't actually see it, they saw the true love for each other that has been in their hearts since that fateful day in the clearing just outside of Poteidaia. Tingles went up both their spines.

From somewhere behind them, Ares started singing.

"The darkness must go
Down the river
Of night's dreaming.
Flow morphia slow
Let the sun and
Light come streaming
Into my life.
Into my life."

Xena and Gabrielle tried to contain their next vocal outburst, but the odd power of Denton, U.S.A. pulled it out of them.

"There's a light.
Over at some freaky guy's place.
There's a light.
Burning in the fireplace.
There's a light.
A light.
In the darkness of everybody's life."

Just as sudden upon them as the song, Xena, Gabrielle and Ares found the object of their driving force, a castle in the middle of the woods...in the small Ohio town of Denton, U.S.A.

*****

Continued here.

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