AUTHOR: Sally M, July - December 2002, edits March 2004
SUMMARY: Reflective thoughts by both Kathryn and Chakotay on each other. Set early third season. Inspired by Ginny Owens’ song, True Story, which I kept hearing at the store where I worked.
RATING: PG
DISCLAIMER: Standard, in that the characters aren’t mine but that this piece is.
NOTE: Thanks to my beta, who since she read through it has probably forgotten all about this piece. This has been on my computer for a while – I just never got around to finishing it.
A flawed creation, I am not a work of perfection, in looks or personality. I have an unhealthy addiction to coffee, I overwork, and I under-socialise. I am short, with hair that is a law unto itself, and if I don’t have to wear the uniform I am most comfortable in an old pair of pants and a fading grey tanktop. Oh no, I am not a beautiful person, inside or out. I am unhappy if I don’t get my own way, yet I often make mistakes when I do not take the advice of others. My life is a bed of my own making. I stranded my crew seventy thousand light years from their home, cutting them off from their families and friends, while I gave another ship’s crew its freedom. I did not make an established Starfleet officer my second in command but instead gave that position to my enemy, a man who has managed to completely captivate me, bewitch me, until I am left wondering just who exactly captured who. When we return to the Alpha Quadrant I shall no doubt be the pariah of Starfleet, while those I once called friends will have moved on with their lives. And, unless the situation has vastly changed in the time I have been away, I shall no doubt lose the company of the one friend I have out here when he is sentenced to live out his days in a Federation penal colony. This is the life that has been carved out by my actions. I alone have to live with the consequences of damning one hundred and fifty to this life in a strange land, away from their loved ones, and I will live with those consequences until I die. Guilt is not pretty, and it makes the one bearing it unattractive. I see the reflection of that person every time I look into the eyes of one of my crew. For I am that person.
She’s amazing. She has the strength of an ox, but has the gentleness of a butterfly. She can strike fear into anyone, yet she can leave you with warmth I have never known the likes of before. She makes one hell of a leader, and is the best friend I’ll ever have. She is stubborn and obstinate, never backing down from a challenge, and she’ll do anything for her crew. She will, at times, worry over the choices she has made in the past, but not one of those decisions has turned out badly. She may not always ask for advice, but it is a testament to her intelligence that, even with input from others, she carves out the correct course for us all. This is the woman I would give my life for, the woman I am in love with. To fall in love with her was not my intention, I did not even want to like her at first; preferring to hate all that she was and all that she stood for. But I quickly grew to appreciate her fairness and her open mind. Without those qualities I would be dead, imprisoned, or abandoned on a planet somewhere. Would I have rammed my own ship into the Kazon one had it not been for her? I don’t know. Would I have considered anyone else worth the sacrifice? Kathryn might wear a Starfleet uniform but she is an individual with a freethinking nature. She has a spirit that cannot be tamed. She has a definite addiction to coffee, and a desire to be all things to all people. She also feels that she needs to be larger than life to our crew. She isn’t perfect, but then – who is?
I am a fool, a fool who has been given the gift of grace. I should be dead by now, instead I’m the second in command of a starship. A starship belonging to the very organisation I turned my back against. Why did I dare to presume to think that I could make a difference? My actions cannot turn back the clock; my family is dead. Revenge cannot bring them back, yet that is what I sought. Now, my actions have torn others from their own families. If not for my escape attempt into the Badlands, which resulted in another ship being sent after mine… I cannot turn back time, and neither will I invoke the powers of an omnipotent being who would love to laugh in my face. For the rest of my life though I will not see a single crewmember without remembering what they have lost because of me. Fathers will never see their sons grow up, wives will never see their husbands, and one particular woman will never marry her fiancé because of me. My spirit guide despairs of me; she chides me for not resting and calls me a hypocrite for telling others when to. But I cannot rest. For the remainder of my life I will endeavour to be all that I can for this crew. I will work to unite these two opposing crews into one strong, fully functioning unit. I will be there for each of them, and especially for the captain who gave me this second chance. And even if I spend my entire life attempting this, it will never be enough to atone for what I have done.
PART 2B – KATHRYN ON CHAKOTAY
Starfleet lied! There’s no doubt about it. They told me I was going after a violent criminal, a former Starfleet officer who had turned his back on its peaceful ideals. For all that we have been through on our journey so far, I have yet to match the man with the profile Starfleet provided. Chakotay is, indeed, a man of peace, who stands up for what he believes is right. His time in the Maquis might have forced his perspectives somewhat, but I cannot fault him for his actions. As a former guest of the Cardassians, I sometimes wonder how I might feel if my family had been destroyed the way his has. But the man I have come to know understands the need to be a Starfleet crew, and he has worked tirelessly to achieve this. I can trust him, even with my life, and should there ever be a Maquis mutiny on this ship, I know it will not be led by him. He is, undoubtedly, this ship’s saviour, forming bonds where by rights there should be none. Those who are Starfleet-trained side by side with those who are not, and as I walk through my ship I cannot fail to see the evidence of this man’s craftsmanship. To watch two crews unite and become one has been amazing; something that I would have found difficult to achieve alone. He is this ship’s life preserver. I suspect Starfleet would be outraged to hear of his high rank aboard this ship, but they do not know the man that I know, and I wonder if they ever will. He is all I could ask for in a first officer, and more besides. As I look around and see how well our crew is functioning I realise that not only he is a master craftsman, he is the masterpiece itself.
FINIS
You see my imperfections,
Still you say I’m a masterpiece.
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