Disclaimer: Paramount owns all. I'm just playing.

~~~

Kathryn wanted to hug him. Instead she held his hand. It was a curious compromise, and part of her was surprised he'd accepted that much. Still, it was something.

"You have my message?"

"I'll contact your family as soon as I can."

"Good."

She raised a mocking eyebrow when he handed her the gift.

"How long have you been hanging onto this?"

"Perhaps you shouldn't ask too many question, Captain."

"I suppose not."

"I'd like you to share it with the others."

"I will. Thankyou."

"Thank you, Kathryn."

His voice, mouthing her name like that, felt more intimate than an embrace.

~~~

"It looks exactly the same", Chakotay said softly.

Kathryn seemed not to have heard him. She continued to stare at the two motionless bodies, watching Dr Sipartu as he bustled from bed to bed.

"The same as what?" she asked, after a moment.

He glanced at her. Her gaze was still fixed on the doctor.

"Voyager. The other Voyager, I mean."

At that she looked up. "The one you and Tom visited? In the alternative universe? B'Elanna told me about it", she added, at his surprised expression.

"I thought Tom might have."

"Tom appears to be making a concerted effort to ignore me."

"Well", Chakotay said, turning his eyes back towards the two patients, "it's uncanny. Their sickbay looked exactly like this. The doctor was a hologram though."

"A hologram?"

"One who looked just like him."

He gestured towards the beds.

"Dr Sipartu?"

"No, Dr Zimmerman. Louis."

"Oh." She sighed. "I was hoping to talk to Kes, but he says she needs to rest."

"And Louis?"

"I think he'll be okay. I wish I could say the same for her."

Chakotay ran his eyes over the young Ocampan woman. "She looks so peaceful now."

"That's because he tranquilized her. She couldn't stop crying, even when she knew Louis would be alright. She kept sobbing that she was wrong, that it was her fault. Harry was gone, Louis was gone. And Seska-" Kathryn broke off, shuddering at the thought.

"I know", Chakotay said quietly. "I watched her burn."

At a loss for words, Kathryn slipped her hand into his and squeezed it tightly. They stood silently for a few minutes, hand in hand, watching Voyager's doctor work.

"I suppose I should go", Chakotay said. "Before the rest of your crew realises that I'm here and someone tries to toss me in the brig. Call me picky," he went on more lightly, "but I'd rather not share a cell with Michael Jonas."

"You don't have to go", she said. "They know you're here. Well, Cavitt and Tuvok know, anyway."

Chakotay stared at her.

"Would you believe me if I said I told them that if either of them touched you I would personally blow their asses out of the nearest airlock?"

Despite everything, Chakotay found himself grinning. "You didn't?"

"No", she admitted, "I didn't. But I would have, if I'd thought it necessary. I don't think Tuvok's sense of fair play will be at all offended by you slipping away. And as for Cavitt, well, he's turned out to be quite a surprise package."

"You don't say."

"Will you come for a walk with me?"

"Where to?"

"Anywhere." She glanced at the two patients again. A dull pain settled in her stomach at the thought of what Kes had been through, and what she still had to face when she woke. "Anywhere away from here. We have a holodeck."

"Okay."

~~~

"Tell me what else was different."

"Sorry?"

"On Voyager. On the other Voyager."

They were walking down a country track now, the Indiana skyline ahead of them dark with the promise of a summer storm.

"Oh. Didn't B'Elanna tell you all this?"

"She told me some things."

"What would you like to know?"

"I don't know." She dropped his hand, walking a few steps ahead of him. "Your impressions. What was different. What was the same. What was better."

"I'm not sure I could answer that last one. But different…" he chuckled. "She did tell you the Maquis were on Voyager?"

"Uh huh. She was the chief engineer, you were the first officer."

"That was different alright."

She slowed to let him catch up, eyeing him curiously. "You didn't meet yourself, did you?"

"No. Tom and Chakotay – their Tom and Chakotay – were exploring the anomaly that we got caught in. They became caught too."

" I would have liked to see you in uniform. What was I like?"

He smiled. "That's a leading question."

"Is it?"

"You know it is."

"Mmm." She bent to pick a flower from the roadside, then walked on, twirling it between her fingers. "We weren't together, were we?"

"What makes you say that?"

"Because she's me", she said simply.

Chakotay stopped at that. "Do you mean if we'd been stuck on Voyager, instead of on the Liberty, you wouldn't have been attracted to me?"

Kathryn snorted and kept walking. "Who said anything about attraction?"

Remembering the odd way the other Kathryn Janeway had behaved around him, Chakotay bit his lip glumly. He poked the dirt with one boot.

"Starfleet", Kathryn said suddenly, with such rancour in her voice that he almost jumped. "Duty. Honour. Loyalty. Protocol." She snorted again. "Horse shit".

She wrenched the head off the flower, then threw it and the stalk away. He peered at her curiously, waiting for her to continue. She rested her hands on her hips, swiveling to face him.

"Don't you see?" she said. "It's damned Starfleet. All-consuming, all-embracing god-damning Starfleet"

"What is?"

She stared at the horizon for a moment, her hand shielding her eyes.

"I think it might rain".

He stepped closer to her. "Kathryn?"

"Did you know my mother was a mathematician?"

"What?" He frowned, confused by this turn in the conversation.

"My mother. Gretchen Janeway. She was – she is – a mathematician. A damned good one, too."

"I didn't know that", he said. "I knew your father was-"

"An Admiral?"

"An influence on you."

"Oh. Yes, he was. But so was she."

He waited for her to go on. Moments passed and it seemed she wouldn't. "I'm not sure-" he began.

She waved him to silence. "She always knew how to balance her life. She was amazingly good at her job, but that wasn't all she had time for. She had her family, her friends."

"Are you afraid you won't have those things?"

"Afraid I won't?" It was her turn to frown. "No. Not really. I've just… I'm not good at getting the balance right. I don't think my father was, either."

"You think you work too much?"

It was an odd question, given what they'd been through in the past few days, but it seemed to be what she was hinting at.

"No. Yes. Not exactly." She sighed. "I have friends. I'm not lonely. I'm not obsessed with what I do. Not always, anyway", she amended, at his slight smile.

"But-" he prompted.

"But I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway", she said slowly, stressing her rank. "I'm Captain Janeway."

Chakotay began to understand. He took both her hands in his.

"And when you're not Captain Janeway?" he said quietly. "When you're just Kathryn?"

She met his dark eyes, her blue ones shining with threatened tears. "What if I'm not ever just Kathryn? What if I'm not anything without them. What if I'm nothing-"

"How can you even think that?"

Chakotay's eyes roamed over her face, watching her fighting back the tears.

"All of those things I believed. All of the things I worked for. Federation principles. Starfleet ideals", she laughed, and it became a humourless hacking cough.

Chakotay ran his hands up her forearms, pulling her into a hug.

"Kath", he said, his lips against her hair, "you weren't wrong. They weren't bad things to believe in. To try and live by."

"They lied."

"Yes, they did. And worse. They harboured an organisation which committed horrible acts and then denied them. They allowed innocents to die and blamed others. They turned on you." They stood together for a while, holding each other tightly. After a few minutes Chakotay loosened his hold so he could look at her.

"You didn't do those things, you know. Someone else did. You're not responsible. And you weren't wrong to want to have faith in something bigger than yourself."

For some reason Kathryn was reminded of words spoken by a Talaxian woman, a long time ago, in the Delta Quadrant. She needed faith in herself. In Kathryn. Was this what Rexal had meant all along? Faith in who she was? Faith that she was strong enough to walk away?

He brushed her hair back from her face. "Besides, just Kathryn was always good enough for me. I knew you when you didn't wear this uniform, remember?"

She managed a smile at that. "I'm glad to hear that", she said, "because I recorded a message announcing my resignation."

"You did?"

"Yep."

"When? You've hardly had anytime to yourself since yesterday."

"Weeks ago".

Chakotay was stunned. "Weeks?"

"Just after Voyager left Earth on our mission to find you. The second mission", she corrected herself.

"But that was-" he broke off, adding up the days in his head. "That was weeks ago. That was before Tuvok left Voyager."

"Uh huh."

"That was even before Louis resigned."

"Yep."

"And you didn't tell anybody?"

"Why would I? I set it on a time-delayed transmission. I had to finish this mission first."

"To find me?"

"To find who killed Harry and the others. Now we've done that."

He stared at her, still nonplussed by her decision, and by her calm demeanor. "I guess we did."

"I don't know about this other Kathryn Janeway you met, Chakotay", she said, pulling him closer again, "but I always finish what I start."

~~~

"You're joking".

Tom stared glumly down at the game board.

"I'm not."

"Where the hell did you get a Minya set from?"

B'Elanna clinked the tokens in one hand, then rested them on the table. "From Neelix. It was a goodbye present for all of us. I had it in its box in my room. I was saving it for a special occasion."

"Oh, well, this is certainly it. Very festive." He scowled at the Klingon woman. "What are you so happy about?"

"Who says I'm happy?"

"You keep grinning."

"That's because Seska and Jonas finally got what was coming to them."

"Yeah. And the Doc and Kes are in sickbay over there because of it."

B'Elanna glared at him. "I know that! I didn't say everything was wonderful, did I?" She slumped in her chair, pushing the tokens idly across the table top.

"And you know there's a war coming? The reports I heard this morning said it was almost certain. The Cardassians have taken at least one planet in the DMZ already. That's hardly cause to be jolly."

"You know, for someone who said they weren't going to stay on the Liberty, you seem to be… well… awfully still here."

Tom was silent, staring moodily at the board.

"I wish Harry was here", he said softly.

"So do I, Tom."

Thinking about their young friend, B'Elanna had started to stare absently out of the window. "Hey!"

She slapped her hand down on the table, causing the pieces to jump about.

"What?"

"Voyager's gone."

"What?" Tom peered around to take a look. Sure enough, the Starfleet vessel that had been orbiting the planet beside them had disappeared.

"I don't believe it", Tom said, "they didn't even say goodbye."

B'Elanna glanced at him sharply. "You mean she didn't say goodbye."

"Mr Tuvok said to give you his best. I think that counts as a pretty fond Vulcan goodbye".

This time they both turned towards the door. Kathryn was leaning against the doorframe, a bottle tucked under her arm.

"He was in a hurry to get back to Earth and sort out a few things."

B'Elanna grinned broadly at her friend. Tom merely stared at her.

She came towards them, resting the bottle down on their table. "But he gave me this as a parting gift for you. Saurian brandy, I believe."

B'Elanna pushed back her chair, then stood to pull her into a hug.

"What are you doing here? Are you staying with us?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know?" Tom repeated.

"I just knew I wasn't staying with them", Kathryn said. "I heard the beds were better here than down on the Cardassian base. So I'm coming with you for a little while." She glanced at the table. "Oh dear. Not Minya?"

"A present from our old Talaxian friends." B'Elanna chuckled. "You have no idea how good it is to see you."

Tom frowned and returned his gaze to the table top.

Kathryn shot a quick glance at him, then turned back to B'Elanna.

"I think Chakotay wants to see you. He has a proposal for sending home any Maquis who want to leave once word of what happened here – and at Jotham Four – gets out."

B'Elanna's eyes darkened, but she nodded grimly. "We'll talk later", she said, giving Kathryn's arm a friendly squeeze.

As the young woman left, Kathryn lowered herself into the vacant chair opposite Tom.

"No hug from you?"

He gave her a weak smile. "You surprised me, Kathryn. I didn't expect to see you here."

"You thought I'd gone without saying goodbye."

"Why wouldn't you? You don't owe me anything."

She snorted. "Oh come on, Tom. We've been through too much for you to start pretending we're not friends now, just because you're pissed at being right."

He looked up at that. "Right about what?"

"You don't remember the day you told me you could imagine me leaving Starfleet, and coming along for the ride here?"

" Of course I remember. You said you still believed in what Starfleet stood for. And you didn't want to fight with these people."

"I still don't. I haven't made any commitment, here, Tom. I'm not joining the Maquis, for gods sakes. I don't even think the Maquis are going to exist for much longer."

At his puzzled expression she added, "You must have seen the news reports."

"War."

"Right."

"Shouldn't you be back on Voyager, then, fighting for home and country?"

"You know I can't do that. You were right about a lot of things. Over the past four months my world has been turned upside down. I can't pretend it hasn't. And that it hasn't changed me. So I've resigned. I'm not egotistical enough to believe that we'll lose this war without me on the bridge of one more starship."

"Upside down, eh? Learnt to walk on your hands yet?"

She peered at him closely. "Why are you doing that, Tom? To me, of all people."

"Doing what?"

"You know very well what. Fobbing me off with stupid jokes. It's the way you always try to hide. And, come to think of it, you've been avoiding me too."

"Well, you seemed to have found me."

"That's exactly the type of remark I mean."

They sat in silence for what seemed like minutes, Tom staring at the Minya pieces, Kathryn watching him. Eventually he raised his head and met her gaze with tired eyes.

"It was me", he said simply.

"You what?" she prompted.

"I betrayed you. It was my fault they were so hard on you at the debriefing, and later on, too. It was my fault."

Kathryn continued to watch him, her face expressionless.

"I told Admiral Groot that it was your idea to trade the transwarp specs for the Maquis amnesty. They wouldn't have known that otherwise. I was drunk, I think", he said, his voice a low monotone, "not that it's any excuse. I was in Newcastle, after I'd left the Liberty. There was a guy, I don't even remember his name. He heard me mouthing off about-" he broke off, looking ashamed, then continued in the same quiet voice "- about Chakotay. How much I hated him. It was before Harry and the others – before I'd heard about the shuttle. He asked me more about what had happened in the Delta Quadrant and I told him about you, about the deal. I didn't know what I was doing. And I wasn't thinking. Not that they're excuses either."

Tom stared at the table as he spoke, unwilling to look at Kathryn.

"The next day I was in a bar – a different bar, I think – when I heard a few guys talking about the shuttle explosion. I felt so sick. I thought that… I thought maybe somehow I'd said something to this guy about where the Maquis would be, that maybe he was working for the Cardassians."

Tom faltered, but managed to continue.

"The more I thought about it the more I was sure that I hadn't. I'd only talked about you. The next time I saw him, three days later, he tried to buy me a drink. Tried to get me to tell him more. I realised he wasn't interested in them at all. Whoever he was working for was trying to dig up dirt on you. I broke his nose. Then I went to find Chakotay. I knew he'd be looking for whoever did that to Harry and the others. I wanted to make them pay. And I wanted to make up for what I'd said about you. Not that it did."

He looked up then, his eyes haunted. "I'm so sorry, Kathryn. I know… I can't expect you to forgive me. You don't have to worry. I'm not staying on the Liberty for long."

Kathryn continue to stare at him, her blue eyes calm.

"Aren't you going to say anything? Yell at me? Tell me how disappointed you are? What a loser I turned out to be after all?"

"No", she said softly.

"Then say something. Anything."

"I already knew, Tom."

He gaped at her. "What?"

"I knew."

"How? When?"

"A few weeks ago. Commander Cavitt told me, when we had the first of our little honest chats. He also told me that it was the only piece of 'useful' information Groot's man had managed to get out of you. None of what happened to the others was your fault, Tom."

Tom swallowed a sob. "Wasn't that bad enough? What I did? Don't you hate me?"

"Of course I don't hate you. I admit, I was disappointed when I first found out. But I didn't think you were being malicious. Just stupid."

Tom stared down at the table top silently. As she watched him, Kathryn could see a tear trickling down from the corner of one eye. She reached over unthinkingly to brush it off. Tom flinched at the contact, but didn't pull away.

"I think you've made some mistakes, Tom Paris", she said, her voice low. "But when I look at you, I don't see them."

He was afraid to ask, but did so anyway. "What do you see?"

She let her hand drop from his face, resting it instead on his hand.

"I see the man who befriended Harry Kim when no one else wanted to speak to him. The man who stood up for his friend when everyone else believed he'd helped the Kazon. I see the man who organised events on the Liberty to keep our two crews working together, instead of trying to kill each other. I see someone who was there for me when I needed a friend – who wouldn't let me sulk in my quarters, or take myself too seriously. I see someone who listened to me, and took me seriously, and then made me laugh. I see someone who took a chance and traveled light years to help find out who really did betray his friends. Right now, I see someone who seems oblivious to the fact that other people care about him."

Kathryn felt his fingers moving beneath hers, and pressed his hand.

"I've lost too many friends, Tom", she said. "Harry. Sam. Neelix. I nearly lost Kes and Louis, now they're heading off in the opposite direction with Tuvok, another of my oldest friends. Don't tell me I've lost you, too."

Tom curled his fingers around hers and managed the first genuine smile she'd seen from him in a long time.

"You haven't lost me".

"Good".

"I just wish that I could see what you see in me."

She smiled warmly at him, her eyes twinkling. "You just need some faith, Tom."

His eyes flickered over to the bottle she'd brought.

"This seems like it would be a good time to have a toast."

"Does it?"

"Come on. It would be like old times."

While Tom left the table to scrabble for some glasses, Kathryn pulled a face.

"I hated the old times."

"You were just telling me about the good fun you had on the Liberty."

"I didn't say they were all good."

"You never played Minya though. A laugh a minute, that game."

"True. I was forewarned."

"So you didn't hate it all, then."

Tom returned with two glasses he'd found and poured them each a dram.

"What should we drink to?" she said.

"How about a new beginning?"

"And to absent friends."

"Right. Absent friends".

They clinked glasses.

"Technically, you know, that was two separate toasts. We really should have done them individually."

Kathryn rolled her eyes. "Tom", she said.

"What?"

She wanted to say something serious, something about what had just happened between them. But somehow, the words didn't seem important. Tom was here, she was here. In the end, that was all that mattered.

"Pour me another drink."

~~~

They'd only managed two more toasts before the others found them. Tom didn't seem concerned when Chakotay greeted Kathryn with a kiss on her forehead, though he did wince when Chakotay slapped him on the back as he went to fetch two more glasses.

"Should I ask where we're heading?" Kathryn asked B'Elanna, as she slipped into a seat.

"Probably not", she said. "Hogan's flying. I gave him strict instructions not to chase after Voyager, mount a raid on the brig, rescue Jonas and then try and throttle him again, but who knows? Thanks."

She accepted the glass from Chakotay and held it out for Tom to fill.

"I'd like to see him try and wrest Jonas away from Tuvok", Kathryn said. "I think he has something special of his own planned."

"We are heading for Earth, actually, but via McKinley station", Chakotay said. "Michelle has some contacts there who might be able to help us set up an amnesty route for those who want to leave the ship straight away."

"Are you leaving?" Tom asked her.

"Don't know."

"And you?"

Chakotay shrugged.

Tom shook his head. "How can you three be so cavalier about the future? You have no idea what's going to happen to you tomorrow."

"Do you know what you're doing Tom?" Kathryn said pointedly.

"No", he admitted, "but that's different."

"How?"

"Because I never know what I'm doing. I'm a directionless sod, you all know that. You people are the ones who know what you want out of life."

Kathryn grinned while the others laughed. "Right now, what I want is another drink."

"My kind of woman", Chakotay said, pouring her a glass.

B'Elanna made a gagging sound. "Don't get all soppy on us, you two. Even if you are madly in love."

"Especially if you're madly in love", Tom added.

"Okay", Kathryn said. "What should we drink to?"

"True love?" Tom suggested.

The others ignored him.

"How about absent friends?" Chakotay said.

"We've done that."

"A fresh start, then", B'Elanna said, "that's always a good one."

"Done that, too."

"I've got one", Kathryn said. She held her glass out to the others. "Let's drink to liberty."

B'Elanna frowned. "You know I love the old girl, but isn't that a bit odd for you, Kathryn? You were imprisoned here against your will, stranded on the other side of the galaxy-"

"Forced to eat a Talaxian's cooking", Tom put in.

"Made substitute Captain of a bunch of renegades, fought off jealous aliens who wanted to steal our crummy technology-"

Chakotay met Kathryn's eyes and winked.

"Listened to Vulcan poetry", Tom added. "Fell in love with the enemy, gave up your career, slept on those itchy mattresses-"

"Not *the* Liberty. Liberty. You know – liberty, equality, fraternity…"

"Oh", B'Elanna and Tom choroused.

Chakotay grinned warmly across the table at Kathryn and raised his glass towards her. After a moment the others followed suit.

"To liberty."

As their little ship sped on through the night, the four friends continued drinking, telling stories, and making jokes about Talaxian cooking, while light years away, a little blue planet sped through space around a larger orange star, waiting for them to come home.

~~~

The end

~~~

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