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The cool section where I answer all your petty problems!!

If you have a question for the almighty Easy, click here to mail it to me, but I probably won't answer it because I am lazy.
Dear Easy,
I'm 16 and have never had a date. Every time I try and ask a girl out, I get all hivey and stuff. Girls just don't seem to respect me for what's on the inside, and I'm afraid that the way things are going, I might... just... flip out. Anyway, my question is, How can you make your own lightsaber?
-Eugene in Eutah

Eugene,
Making a lightsaber is easy! Just follow these simple instructions. You'll need:

scotch tape
colored pencils
safety scissors
paste or a glue stick
A jar of gopher urine
"The Force"
I'm sure that after seeing the things you'll need it becomes almost embarrassingly obvious what you need to do. Have fun Eugene, and remember, don't run with your new lightsaber. Or with your safety scissors for that matter.


Dear Easy,
My dad really bugs me! I got a C in History this semester, so he gave me a pencil for my birthday! Also, he always makes these stupid puns to be funny. I hate puns! What should I do?
-Frank in Frankfurt

Frankie,
A pencil for your birthday? Your dad sounds like a pretty sharp guy. In fact, I bet he gave you that pencil to make a point. So get the lead out, and do your homework.

Dear Easy,
I have a problem. You see, my cow, we'll call her "Betsy", is evil. Everyone I tell this to just laughs at me and calls me "Dumb Head", but I can tell. When she moos, it sounds kind of...different. Like it's not really a cow mooing but...A BAD GUY!!! I think it will be too soon when Betsy turns on us and continues her plan for world conquest!!! THE WORLD IS DOOMED!!!!
-Bobby in Brooklyn

Bobby-
I want you to be strong, Bobby, and don't let anyone tell you that you're a dumbhead, or that you're wrong. And keep being strong, at least untill the nice doctors come and put you in a straight jacket and drag you away forever.


Dear Easy,
Kids at school tease me alot, and I don't know why. What should I do?
-Little Billy

Billeroni,
When I read your letter, I almost wet my pants laughing!!! Ha! Like I would care about your dumb problems!! Write back when you have a real problem, you little nut!


Dear Easy,
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Worriedly,
Charles Wood in Indianapolis

Charlie-
I had to bring out the old calculator for this one. Of course, a woodchuck CAN'T chuck wood, but if it could chuck it, then, in theory, it could chuck approx 36.537 pounds a day. This particular question doesn't mention a given time period, so I had to substitute "X" for the time, divided by the rate, which gave me the distance, which I converted to a day. In metric, however, I had to use fractionoids, so I got exactly 7 metricreallysuxaliters squared. I hope this clears everything up, Charlie, and remember, it's not a good idea to chuck wood, unless it's at your brother.

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