Rasputin's Rompin' Rockin' Poetry Contest
(Gregory Efimovich Rasputin)
We realize that Rasputin is a messed up guy, and our obsession with him is strictly
a joke.
We do not endorse devil-worship or immorality.
We wrote these on the green inserts on the 2003 AP World History test, so as
to preserve them for posterity.
Look at those eyes! He's so ugly!
"Czarist
Russia suffers a devastating blow in December 1916 when an unkonwn assailant
blasts Rasputin's cerebral cortex full of hot lead, probably working for a right-wing
terrorist group or some jealous husband desiring his wife back from the 'Mad
Monk.'"
- Author Unknown (Mitch Mallory)
There once was a man with a beard,
The women agreed he was wierd.
But he was so irresistable, so hug-and-kissable,
That all men fell down and revered,
For all of the women he got,
Because handsome he was not.
But long hair and crossed eyes, to the women's surprise,
Made the Mad Monk seem twice as hot.
And rarely this man ever bathed,
Yet the women still flocked, so unscathed,
For he was all they needed, so they begged and they pleaded,
Him to let them be his maids.
Not one woman did he turn down,
And never did "Big R" frown,
For he was always with babes, all night and all day,
His reputation all over each town.
'Til one day, shot in the face at dawn,
As his concubines sang him a song,
And the women all cried, of relief each man sighed,
Rasputin's spirit forever lives on!
Top
"Rasputin"
- Josh Johnson
Rasputin,
Any relation to Vladimir Putin?
How does it feel, to be mangled and peeled -- shot and stabbed, drowned and
shot again?
No one will know--but the "Mad Monk",
Rasputin
Top
"E Unum Pluribus"
- Mark Hamilton
Rasputin is a special man,
Inspires like no other can.
Ruled the women like a king,
But never gave a wedding ring.
Had harlots all his life,
Never got himself a wife.
Never showered, not a care,
Frolicked in the meadows, bare.
He was a fanatic, religious and not,
His favorite smoke was some nice fresh pot.
Even as a youth, he was trouble,
He liked twins, 'cause that meant double.
After sleeping with his whole town,
He left to try to woo the crown.
Alexandria liked him, too much in fact,
She fell for him and his scandalous act.
Because he was active--nay, I say proficient,
The tsarist regime would prove inefficient.
The population boomed because of him,
Nearly everyone in Russia is one of his kin.
They tried to kill him, again and again,
This guy was the man of men.
A sexual giant, he stands proud and tall,
Rasputin, magnificent, father of all.
Top
"Rasputin"
- John Guymon
There once was a man who was a pimp,
Wherever he went, the girls came quick,
They overlooked the fact that he looked like a chimp,
The girls all thought he was nice and slick.
He had tons of offspring, left and right,
The government got fishy, and away he was sent,
He was abandoned by all in the darkest night,
While in exile he renamed himself "proficient."
He went back to Russia with an evil plan,
He would hypnotize the king and marry the queen.
He had all the power, what a sick man,
People tried to kill him by eating his spleen.
One day he died, now he is gone.
But in Mitch and Trevor, he lives on.
Top
"Rasputin
II"
- John Guymon
There once was a boy, with a very crossed eye,
But around the girls he was very sly.
As a youth he was active in every way,
He would find hot women, and with them lay.
He healed sick animals with the touch of one hand,
He had so many children, from society he was banned.
So he started a religion, with motto "Sin or Bust!"
He honestly thought that sinning was a must.
He went back to Russia, and took charge of the throne,
He got so much power, the castle was his home.
Hundreds of kids were Rasputin's in part,
So some men decided to put a bullet in his heart.
When that did not work, they put poison on his plate,
But he lived to have kids with every woman in the state.
Then one day, the "Mad Monk" who wouldn't die,
Was shot in the head, and he let out a cry.
The last words he said, as men cut out his spleen:
"All I ever wanted was Stillman for my queen."
Top
"Who's Your
Daddy?"
- Trevor Wright
Rasputin is my illegitimate father.
Get over it.
Top
"Untainted By
His Touch"
- Mark, Trevor and John
As I look upon life,
I long for a wife--
One who won't cry much,
One who hasn't felt Rasputin's touch.
She won't be hypnotized by his stare,
She won't fall into his evil snare,
But instead she'll rejoice,
At the sound of my voice.
She'll think Rasputin's really fine,
But I'll make her remain mine.
She'll be tall and dark and hot,
Make out with Rasputin, she will not.
"Death to the Mad Monk!"
Top
"Why Can't I Be More Like
Rasputin?"
- Mark Hamilton
Rasputin is a hairy beast,
Not attractive in the least.
But for some reason, the women say,
They really love him anyway.
Is it his eyes?
His Proficiency?
The way he gets guys?
What can it be?
Perhaps it was fate,
That brought him to us.
Even his mate,
Put up no fuss.
He got his groove on,
With every woman in town,
They swooned and they fawned,
Not one turned him down.
What makes him so cool,
Why not me?
Women think I'm a fool,
So what can it be?
Maybe I'll grow a beard,
Grease up my hair...
That would be wierd,
But still no one would care.
Surgically-crossed eyes,
Perhaps that would work...
But then to my surprise,
Everyone would call me a jerk.
Maybe a coat,
Made from a bear...
Or maybe a boat,
Or perhaps the hair?
I try and I try,
But I just cannot be,
That well-mannered guy,
Who ran the monarchy.
Let's face it--
I'm not of the devil--I don't even sin,
The glove just won't fit,
There's no way I can win.
I don't have a crossed eye,
Or long greasy hair,
I don't date the wife,
Of my good friend the mayor.
I can't heal sick cows--
You know I've tried that.
And since it causes raised brows,
I won't eat your cat.
So I guess I give in,
I won't be a God.
I don't think I could live a life of sin...
(Plus--I don't have the 'bod'.)
Top
"Rasputin
Revelations Reveal Re-occuring Romps"
- Mark, Trevor, Mitch, John
I once had a dream, a vision at best,
I saw Rasputin in heaven, just like the rest.
How he got to heaven, I'll never realize,
He hypnotized Saint Peter, with his evil crossed eyes.
Before they knew it, Rasputin ruled above.
He got himself some women, his own heavenly doves.
That ugly, sick man--he shouldn't be there,
Even heavenly babes fell for his long, greasy hair.
Just like cupid, wears nothing and plays his harp,
But rarely has an angel looked so sharp.
The next thing I saw in the dream, a sickening sight,
Rasputin saw Stillman, his face lit like a light.
He cried out, "My love, my queen, my honey buns!
Rule with me, and we have won!"
The two escaped on a cloud into the sunset,
To be lovers forever...a sight I'd like to forget.
Rasputin has Stillman, love they don't lack,
But one woman won't satisfy Rasputin, HE'LL BE BACK!
Top
"Some
Haikus "
- Mark, Trevor, Mitch, John
"1868"
Russia's best leader,
The children produced like rain,
Females, run to him!
"The Robbin' Robin"
Rasputin the bird,
He can woo girls with his song,
He always lays eggs.
"Everywhere"
Rasputin needs girls,
He can't control his hormones,
His offspring aren't few.
"Act 3 Scene 2"
Be thou chaste as ice,
The idea is laughable,
Up with Rasputin.
"True Love"
RA RA Rasputin,
Lover of the Russian queen,
My heart aches for you.
"True Love Too"
RA RA Rasputin,
Russia's greatest love machine,
Thank you Boney M.
Top
Note the number of WOMEN around him.
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us at wentzium@yahoo.com Copyright 2003
