By Xim Vicious In association with the Donate Mayonnaise To Me Foundation.
Yeah, so this is a whole secret board hunting FAQ I thought maybe I'd write. See, there's a lot of heated debate among GameFAQs type people about what a secret board hunter is. And since no one else who actually knows can be assed to inform the public, the responsibility inevitably falls on me, just like work.
I'll probably update this occasionally, when I think of more stuff to add, so check back. New stuff will be marked by a little picture of a star I stole from a website about chicken.
In this guide, you will be introduced to the exciting world of secret board hunting. But I'm getting ahead of myself. First I have to throw in a useless table of contents even though all of this information is on a single page.
Table Of Contents
Frequently Asked Questions
I dunno, maybe some pornography
Great Hunters Throughout the ages
You become rather annoyed by all text being centered
Secret Board Stories
That was totally pointless. Now I'm like a real FAQ writer!
A. Frequently Asked Questions
Q: So what are secret board hunters?
A: Oh, no you don't. Even though it's more than possible to answer that with a couple of sentences, I want to make it look like there's an actual reason I wrote a FAQ on this.
Q: Oh, come on. Give me a hint?
A: That's totally not a question, but ok.
See, there's a lot of different types of hunters and hunting (I'll get into that later) so it really isn't that easy a question to answer. Despite me just saying it was easy to answer. So fucking there.
But there's usually a pretty common consensus among true hunters about what it is. Basically, the whole point is to find interesting boards, to save good topics from the purge, to make somebody smile when they read our posts, and to share laughs with fellow hunters.
Q: What exactly would drive somebody to hunt?
A: Oh, you'd be surprised. There's a lot of interesting stuff out there on the secret boards.
Everyone has their reasons. Some do it because they're bored and it passes the time. Some do it to meet new people to talk to online. For me, I pretty much started so I could find a place to belong on GameFAQs. The huge socials like Current Events are too busy for me, yet game boards really limit the discussions, and smaller social boards aren't that accepting of new members. Secret boards are a nice medium.
But ever since then, I just do it because it's oddly fun. It has a certain charm to it, finding little colonies and such. I don't know. Basically, don't do it if you don't enjoy it. It's not supposed to be a chore.
Q: How would I go about finding these "secret boards"?
A: It's easy, m'kay. Just go to a system with no topicality, and click on some message board link. You'll probably find something, but it'll most likely be stupid and uninteresting to read. But the good stuff is out there. That's why you have to look for it.
Perhaps the only way to find cool stuff is to participate in some sort of "hunt".
Q: What do you mean by "a system with no topicality"?
A: Well, on GameFAQs, you can usually have someone modded for not discussing the actual game of the board they're on. But on non-topicality boards, you can't, no matter how hard you pound your fists and hold your breath and threaten to run away.
Here's a list of systems with no topicality that I stole from Kirb:
GameFAQs Secret Board System List
Famicom Disc System
Sega Master System
These are the systems that comprise of what we hunters call "the secret board network", although there are some things that aren't listed, like the secret, unlisted system of Zodiac.
So, just go to one of those systems and snoop around. That's not to say some hunters don't hunt topicality systems, they just don't post there. There are some interesting colonies on topicality systems, despite the fact some random jerk could go there and mark them for off-topic posting to easily wipe them out.
Actually, some hunters don't even post when they hunt, except for very, very rarely. These people are those that hunt solely for finding cool secret boards or a very specific group of people. In other words, they're a spinoff brand of board hunters that taste just like the real thing. Dawn7 and Axxel are particularly notorious for this. But hey, as Secret Board Hunter says: "Just because I haven't posted doesn't mean I haven't found you. It's called lurking. Get used to it."
Most people post while they hunt, but there's many methods.
Q: What method do you use when you hunt?
A: Personally, when I hunt, I do what is know as the Backwards Journey.
Q: What the hell is that?
A: I wasn't done yet! Well, when taking on the Backwards Journey, or BJ (oh dear lmao), you visit the message boards alphabetically, but backwards, starting on WonderSwan Color with Yakusoku no Chi: Riviera and moving from the bottom to top of letters and up the systems to end on 20th Century Video Almanac for 3DO.
It's insanely long, but fun and challenging to dedicated hunters. It took me almost all of summer 2003 to do. But it should be mentioned I didn't really have much else to do during that time, so it would probably take a lot longer for most.
Q: What other methods are there?
A: There are quite a few methods of hunting. Following the alphabet is pretty much what most hunters do. That is, they go to a certain non-topicality system, enter the lettered section, and visit every board in descending order. It's basically like the Backwards Journey, but there's no real order of systems you have to follow, and you do everything forward, or "the wrong way".
There are other styles too; hunting by typing in a board number in the address bar is popular among thorough hunters. That is, some boards are unlisted, which means they don't have a link to them anywhere on GameFAQs. Typing a board ID number in the address bar is most likely the only way to find them.
Hunting by category (Action, RPG etc) is another method I use from time to time. It's cool because it gives you the illusion you're going faster when you actually aren't. You're also less likely to be tricked up by repeating links to the same board.
Another way to hunt is by typing random words in the search box (fake hunting). There are more, but that's all I feel like talking about.
Q: Wait, I once participated in a "Secret Board Hunt" where some guy would post clues to find a board, and the first person to find it would win. Isn't this what you mean by board hunting?
A: No. Shut up. Well, really, that is a form of secret board hunting. In fact, that's one reason that it started. But to compare it to the likes of the Backwards Journey is like comparing Major League Baseball to stickball in a 10 foot by 10 foot field. Or like comparing federal court cases to those little mock trials that little kids did back in fourth grade, and no matter how good the prosecution was, the stupid jury would always vote for whichever side had the popular kid.
Then I got mad and ate them all.
Q: I think I might become a hunter. Do you have any pointers for a newbie?
A: Okay, pay attention, punk, this answer's important.
A couple of things new secret board hunters should keep in mind: First off, keep a list of cool boards you find in notepad or something. Back when I finished the Backwards Journey, I had two lists. One was called my "Favorites list", which listed the best secret boards I'd found (determined by people and topics, not post count) and another "Master list".
The "Master list" contained information about tons of secret boards. The notes on each were quite varied, sometimes citing just one person I knew of had a topic there, to simply stating it was a faction, to maybe several sentences that explained the backstory of the board, so I'd know what was once there in case I ever went back and everything had purged.
Obviously, the Master list was bigger than the Favorites list. Just to give you an idea of the scale of this Master list, it has nearly 1600 boards listed today.
That's just my thing though. It's a good way to keep tabs on people I've met so I can contact them if I ever want to. Most hunters don't go to that extreme. But I suggest you at least make a Favorites list (my Favorites list has about 150 boards listed. That may seem like a lot, but you have to consider the entire secret board system has at least 5000 secret boards).
Also, the most important thing to remember is to make every post count. Don't fall into the habit of posting just emoticons everywhere or anything else uninspired like such. If you remember anything from all of what I've said here, remember that your post count means nothing if each post contains about 5 characters.
Let me make that perfectly clear. How fast you hunt and your post count means nothing to true hunters. Too many people do that, and it ruins it for other board hunters. There's a pretty common misconception (mostly with new hunters) that the faster you hunt, the better of a hunter you are. Think about it. Doesn't it kind of defeat the purpose if you're going so fast that you don't actually discover anything worthwhile?
To quote Medea: "It doesn't matter how many boards you've seen if you don't read the posts. It would be more impressive if someone has read every single post on gamefaqs, but that's probably impossible and there wouldn't be any way to tell. I like seeing what kind of different people post on these boards. Some of them are boring RPG crap, and some of them are just random silliness. Every once in a while you'll come across something really interesting or funny and that makes it all worth it!".
You've gotta keep in mind is that you're not the only one that hunts. Take the time to consider that people will respond after you do; leave them some room to make a good post. It just gets frustrating, trying to think of something witty and topical while following someone that posts "*walks past*" everywhere. Doesn't leave much room for inspiration, I tell you what.
If you post something like just "^_^" in a post, chances are, the next person will post another emoticon, maybe "v_v". Then the next post will be "<_<" and then ">_>" and so on. It may seem amusing at first, but after seeing that tired old pattern so many times, it starts to lose its "hilarity".
Not only that, but it brings down the quality of topics. Make spirited, clever posts all the time, and you'll be one of the best hunters ever in my book. It doesn't matter if you never even finish hunting through one system.
An ideal reply will make someone laugh. As NinjaMaster says: "It combines impeccable timing, hilarious slapstick, immense wit, and the power of puns all into one joke."
But hey, it's not like you have to be an incredible comedian or anything, just try to keep things interesting. That quote was referring to a post by Scum (if you don't know who that is, don't worry, as you'll get a heapin' spoonful of Scum ranting later), so it's not really fair to try to make everyone do that in every single post.
"To raise our active messages count". That's what most hunters these days will tell you if you ask them why they hunt. We've lost sight of the true meaning of secret board hunting. More and more, new people are hunting for all the wrong reasons. NickBush24 is like their leader and who they look up to, but he's a good guy and makes funny posts. His fanboys are crazed lunatics that most likely don't take the time to get to know Nick and realize what cool guy he is. They just figure "hey, he has a high post count, so maybe if I have one too, people will think I'm the greatest". Nick's literally got like 40000 active posts, but what sets him apart from other people with absurd amounts of posts is that he actually tries to make quality posts.
I suppose if there's anything redeeming about people that hunt only to boost their active messages, it's that they're saving topics from the purge. Though they can hardly be commended for it. It would be different if they cared about the cool topics they're saving but they don't. Keeping topics alive is just a by-product of their posting tomfoolery. Tomfoolery, I say! Like FBI Porker once mused: "For the past few days I've been looking through systems to revisit some of the topics of old; to relive them and to see how they've been developing. These are the type of topics not intended to reach an ancient age, but rather to poke fun at the board's name or the creator of the topic and the hunters that pass through. After finding a good few I start noticing a pattern. The topic starts off great, you don't know which way the flow of conversation will go! Slowly but surely though it starts degenerating until the topic is just full of boring one-lined messages, or even worse, an emoticon. And that's what board hunting has become. Rather than posting something creative and fun hunters would prefer to write a mundane message of how they were they. It has become so... characterless." Well said, Hammy. That's an excellent example of what to not do if you hunt.
On the flip side, you can't be all elitist and write off somebody if they do something like this, especially if they're new. Rather, you should try to do what I do, try to guide them, to teach them the true way of the hunt. People can change, that's important to keep in mind. We hunters have to look out for eachother.
However, if somebody just obstinately refuses to even try to change their ways, feel free to egg their house.
The problem as I see it is board hunting became too mainstream too fast. People rush into it without knowing what they're doing. It's not entirely their fault, they're just following examples set by people that do the same thing. Maybe if there was some sort of "Secret Board Hunting FAQ", people would be able to learn what hunting is all about before they decide to become hunters.
But let's not kid ourselves. The chances that someone would actually take the time to read something so boring, much less write it, are between zero and nothing.
I can't tell people what to do. I can only suggest they follow the guidelines I've ironed out here. I just wish I knew why people would care about something so irrelevant as active messages. Does it make you a better person than someone who tries to make funny posts that make people laugh if you have twenty thousand more posts than them, even though most of yours consist of about five characters, usually in the sequence of an emoticion? Is there some sort of prize for having a high post count? Honestly, what's the redeeming value of a high post count? Glory, fame? Let me tell you something, I currently have about 3000 posts, and I'm more well-known than people that have five times that. And you know why? Because I actually make an effort to be likeable. I try to make people laugh. People like me not because I go around bragging about having a high post count and obsessing over it, they like me because I'm funny, I don't post just to get attention, and I am incredibly good-looking.
Or maybe it's my modesty.
But you know, It's like Karma. You can say having more Karma than someone else makes you superior, but really, try to name one benefit of gaining Karma after you reach 75 and are allowed to post as many messages as you want in one day. I guess it does give you access to boards where only Elites or Idols or whatever user level is allowed, but trust me, boards such as these suck. There's nothing you can find there that you can't find elsewhere, and even so, most of it is boring crap like "countdown till I reach the next stupid Karma plateau and make a similar topic on the next stupid user level board". I'm sure such topics are amaingly fun to read and participate in, but I'll get my jollies elsewhere, thanks.
Q: You like to talk a lot, don't you?
A: Well, the whole thing about that is, talking a lot makes my voice heard. See, I figure if someone asks me a question, and I respond with a massive answer filled with so much detail and propaganda, what I say will be right regardless of how ridiculous it is. It's like knives. Some people say knives aren't that important, but imagine a world with no knives! A world without sharp edges. Impossible to believe, our level of modern efficiency would come to a stand still. We would be driven back to the stone ages. Back then, our forefathers used sharp stones and wood pieces to do the job. The discovery of metal was critical to the advancement of knife technology. Stone Age, Bronze Age, Iron Age. Each period allowed civilization to further develop the knife. There is no substitute for the knife. It is an incredible hand tool, an ancient tool helping man survive, hunt and eat. It has evolved with man and although technology has leapfrogged ahead of the basic hand tools, the basic structure of the knife has remained the same. Sharp blades, edges and a handle. In prehistoric times, knives were made of flint. Xim is your lord and savior. Flint was easily cut, scaled and sharpened. Flint could easily be re-sharpened as they became dull. Flint knives gradually developed into copper, bronze and iron knives. They would soon become stainless steel knives as they remain today. Knives were essential for hunting. Food and survival were the basic necessities of early man. Bow down to Xim. Early men would adorn their knives and weapons with feathers, accessories and trinkets to add beauty and design to their tools and weapons. Later, the knife too would be more than just a utility tool, but a fashionable design tool. Every culture around the world have their own distinct history of knives. The basic structure is the same, but the designs differ from culture to culture, each reflecting the values and tastes of the people. Knife collecting has attracted attention, not only as a way to collect tools of utility but to reflect on the history and sociology of the people that made and developed the knives. Long slim bolo knives are best for cutting down sugar cane and doing work in the jungle. There are many prominent knives throughout history including the bolo knife, the Machete, the Ghurka, and the Bowie Knife. Don't forget the Japanese Tanto, which in Japanese means "knife". Knives are the most useful things ever.
Q: Uh.... You know, that's true. Huh. Anyhow, I thought secret boards were boards like Spatula and Semprini and such. And you're telling me they're actually just any board on non-topicality systems?
A: That's right. Special Boards are not not secret boards, but are often mistaken for them by newer hunters or just casual posters on GameFAQs in general.
Special boards are hidden boards added personally by CJayC, most likely to give secret board hunters a place to hang out together so as to discourage hunting (as it probably wastes a lot of bandwidth, so suck on that, Ceej).
Lots of these places are incredibly boring these days, except for a few. They're mostly places to post overrused ascii art or to brag about how many active, posted messages you have. This is a list of Special Boards I know of in the order I found them:
Board 250 (bet you can't find this one)
Nine (another toughie to find)
*It's a fake one CJayC made on April Fools Day of 2004 because people were always saying the real one didn't exist. The real Toaster Oven's a lot cooler, and there's hardly anyone that knows about it, even after being one of the oldest Special Boards around.
**Actually made on the same day as Jenny, but it took me a long time to find it.
There might be others, but these are all the ones I know of. Like I said, they don't interest me that much, excluding the original Toaster Oven which I lurk at sometimes. Even so, there are better boards out there on the secret board network. In case you're interested, and I know you are, I didn't actually find all of these on my own. I was told where Brilliant, Board 250, Egg Beater, and Spatula were. Nine, Lame, Rnd() and Fake Toaster Oven were actually linked to on April Fools Day of '04. And I was given a hint to the whereabouts of Angela (it's kind of like Jenny).
Q: What's that there "purj" you city boys are always goin' on about?
A: That's "purge", Jeremiah.
The purge is what happens to topics that aren't posted in. They get automatically deleted to reduce lag on the site and save bandwidth. Lots of great topics have fallen victim to the purge. Here's a list of how long a topic can be around with no new posts before the purge claims it:
Under 6 messages: 10 Days
6-100 Messages: 30 Days
101-250 Messages: 20 Days
251-500 Messages: 15 Days
501-1000 Messages: 12 Days
1001-2500 Messages: 10 Days
2501-5000 Messages: 7 Days
5001-7500 Messages: 6 Days
7501-10000 Messages: 5 Days
10001-12500 Messages: 4 Days
12501-15000 Messages: 3 Days
15001-20000 Messages: 2 Days
Over 20000 Messages: 1 Day
It should be noted that purge rates apply to actual boards, not topics themselves. For instance, if a board has 50 posts with one topic that only has three posts, that topic with three posts will stick around for 30 days, even though it has under 6 posts, since the board itself falls into the category of "6-100 Messages".
Hunting is a good way to stick it to "the man" and keep "good" topics "alive".
Q: What does "flooding a topic" mean?
A: Basically it's when someone/some people that have nothing to do with a topic enter it and start posting a bunch of useless posts that add nothing to the topic at an alarming rate to get it to 500 posts so it will purge faster. This usually happens to old topics. It can be modded, but by that time, it's usually already too late for the topic to be spared. It's a mystery why people would want to do such a thing.
Yeah, it usually happens to old topics that are trying to stay alive for a little longer. It's sometimes not so bad, such as when the old topic isn't really trying to stay alive for any particular reason, and all conversation within has shifted to the topic of "wow, this is an old topic, I think I'll make a post commenting on this and not say anything else". But sometimes it's more tragic than that. Sometimes the topic is still going strong or holds lots of great posts and fond memories, but flooders flood it anyway. Sure, they'll pay the price for it, but sometimes they get off without so much as a modded message.
"How is this?", you may ask. Enter M14 REAL, a notorious topic flooder that has ended the lives of countless excellent topics without any harsh comeuppance. If he sees a cool old topic, he feels the need to intrude and post a bunch of worthless posts every other day. Though it speeds up the purging process, it cannot be marked as flooding, since the posts are usually a day apart. This is what I like to call "subtle flooding", and MI4 is the master of it. Ninja Golf, Sector Alpha and Moon Patrol are some of the more famous places he's used this tactic on.
If you ever see someone flooding a topic, sweet merciful mayonnaise, mark them! I don't care if you never mark anyone for anything, they just don't have the right. And if it's the kind of flooding like M14 REAL does that can't be modded, report it to the good folks over on the Message Board Help board. Maybe they'll sympathize with you and get a mod to step in to stop the thoughtless process.
Q: What are these "factions" you mentioned several rants ago?
A: Factions on GameFAQs are like, organized communities on secret boards. People join them and post there as members of the board, or "faction". Members participate in games, contests, competitions with other factions, a useless "user level" system, maybe even have their own currency system (you usually get currency by sucking up to faction leaders) to buy things that don't actually exist. I used to be in the faction biz, but it was a little too organized and riddled with too many rules for my tastes, so I quit and became a hunter.
Q: What's Zamzara? I heard it was where most secret board hunters hang out.
A: Naw, it's more like secret board customer service. It's a secret board you can go to if you need to ask a question about secret boards and have it answered pretty quick. It's got lots of the big secret boards listed for anyone to see, so it pretty much takes the fun out of hunting. Luckily, the people that hang out there are pretty superfical and judge a board's worth by number of posts, so lots of small, cool boards have gone under their radar. They usually have an ongoing "Top 50 Secret Boards List" that classifies boards as being the "best" by how many posts they have, even though the ones with the most posts are usually pretty boring to visit, and have lots of posts simply for the sake of having lots of posts.
Q: What are "secret board wanderers"?
A: Oh, they're secret board hunters, pretty much. I've heard other names myself. Wanderers, drifters, vagabonds, hoard bunters.. I guess people that hunt but don't call themselves hunters are either those that openly admit they don't do it for any reason other than to raise their messages, or they just want to be distinguished from other hunters by having a different alias. The former don't annoy me as much as people that call themselves hunters but only care about their AMP, as at least they're not tarnishing the good name of real board hunters. Still, it doesn't change the fact that I might have to follow them someday. The latter are REBELS WITH A CAUSE!!!!
Even so, we all go around the secret boards posting. I guess that sort of makes us kindred spirits in a way, right?
A: I guess you have a point.
Q: Well what have we here?
A: Wait, I'm supposed to be asking the questions!
Q: Guess you fell for the same trick that other FAQ guy did, huh? Boy, Brian Clevinger's gonna be mad if he finds out about this.
A: Drat you! Drat you I say!
Q: That's not a very nice thing to say, now is it?
A: Come back here!
Q: Now why would I do a silly thing like that?
A: You can't do this to me!
Q: Oh, but can't I?
B. I dunno, maybe some pornography
You went to this section first, didn't you? Oh, well, here ya go.
Over the course of GameFAQs history, there have been some truly remarkable hunters. To me, the best of the best are the ones that inspired me to become a hunter. Seasoned veterans that a younger Xim considered his hunting idols back in the day. The following is a list of those greats. They don't really hunt that much anymore, but if you ever see them around, you'll know they're one of the legendary hunters.
Scum - I consider Scum the greatest hunter of all time. And rightly so, as he combines everyone's wit. That is, Scum isn't actually a person. He was a shared account used by a lot of older hunters and other people. Due to his obsession with apples, he seemed to actually be a single person no matter who was posting as him, so that's why I refer to Scum as "he". My admiration for Scum is basically an embodiment of my admiration for all the people that used him combined.
NinjaMaster - Him, Interceptor, and duckduckduck all are the most like what Scum was like, I think. In particular, NM is awesome at timing and wit. Most likely my favorite board hunter ever, if you don't count Scum.
Medea - Ah, the mistress of the Crypt. She's one of the wittiest people I've ever encountered. Really fun to follow on a hunt. For some reason, she's always seemed much more real to me than other hunters. Also known as Smed to Scum, much to her chagrin.
Starman Deluxe - He's not even a hunter, but he's definitely worthy of such a list. Anyone that says puns are the lowest form of humor is out of their mind, or they've obviously never met this guy. He always has some kind of witty retort where others would have no idea how to respond. Put him together with Scum, and be prepared to die laughing.
Interceptor - Incredibly cheerful, Interceptor added the whole "nonchalant repartee" thing to Scum. He's one of my favorites because he doesn't really post often, but when his alias "Interceptorn" is mentioned in a topic, he'll post there with uncanny promptness.
Kinnison - A man of few words. Unlike Sam Kinison, Kinni always struck me as quite timid. Nevertheless, he's funny, and the only time I've EVER seen him angry was when Scum got banned. He's got a really cool head. He's pretty much the opposite of me.. and what I wish I was like, at times.
duckduckduck - Just great at everything. Almost everything posted by him is quoteable, but hardly any of it would makes sense by itself. Hell, almost nothing he posts make sense logically. That's why he's so great. In my opinion, he can raise a topic's humor rating by 50% just by posting a few times.
FBI Porker - Hammy is not only funny, but likeable. All of the previously mentioned hunters have a certain charm, but he in particular is quite enthralling. I bet it's his winning smile and devilish good looks.
RdDragon - Actually, I don't really know much about him. He's kind of like me in the sense that he's rather well-known in his field without ever really being part of any of the larger groups. But I've seen him post on the secret boards several times. He's a pro. Scum spent many a day annoying him on his home board of Sector Alpha. Also, Scum always called him Dawn7. I'm not entirely certain of the source of this, but from what I can piece together from old Captain Goodnight topics, Scum made an account called "RdDragon7" as a gag over there on SouthB's Outboards. He went around posting in the same manner as Dawn. Then Scum started referring to her as RdDragon on GameFAQs relentlessly, just as he called RdDragon "Dawn7".
There are tons of other hunters that are really good, but these are the ones that really made me want to become a secret board hunter. And I'd add SECRET B0ARD P0LICE as he inspired me as well, but I always got confused with all his shared accounts, so I wouldn't know what to say. But he does belong on that list regardless.
Here's a list of lots of the hunters in backwards alphabetical order, many of which that are as great as the aforementioned hunters. There are a lot more that exist, obviously, but these are the ones my hunting friends and I could come up with:
Xim (I'm at the top because I threw a tantrum when zeldagirl was added and I was no longer the first one on the list)
dwimmerlaik (I honestly have no idea how dwimmy ended up this high up)
Starman Deluxe (totally not a hunter)
SECRET B0ARD P0LICE
Ryu Tsui Sen (Also known as XLord Ma ChaoX)
Mud Turkey 13
Mr Agent Guy
Mikeaspike4 (voted most likely to remove Luster Soldier from this list)
man of videogames
Luster Soldier (likes to think of himself as a hunter, when in fact I think he intentionally does the opposite of everything on this page)
Deep Phat Fry
Cait Sith Cat
Black Mist (also known as Smudge)
Yeah, it's not finished, but these are the ones we could think of, and by the time someone reads this, there will probably be more to add. I might throw in a description of all the hunters listed here someday, if some crappy jerk reminds me even though I never really intended to do so.
Q: So who is this "Scum"?
A: What the.. I thought I was rid of you!
Q: Not a chance! Now are you going to answer the question, or does little Suzy have to meet Mr. Sledgehammertotheface again?
Q: Okay, okay! Just don't hurt her!
Though he was banned, some say you can still hear good ol' Scum on the Crypt during certain evenings in late spring, relentlessly shouting horrible Bob Sagat jokes.
I can't very well talk about board hunters that much without mentioning Scum. Yes, the Scum I mentioned earlier and the Scum in my signature on GameFAQs are one in the same. My signature has not changed since the day Scum was banned. Why keep the signature after all these months? Because Scum was just that great.
Who was Scum? It's simple to ask, but difficult to answer. as I stated before, Scum wasn't actually a person, rather, he was many people. An account shared by many of the board hunters and other people along those lines. It was originally created by ColdFusion, the moderator, back in April of 2001. Since then, Scum has been all over GameFAQs and was probably second only to CJayC on GameFAQs in fame. He had a legendary infatuation with apples that will be forever remembered by the people who knew him. It was great, he could always somehow manage to work apples into a conversation humorously without it seeming awkward, no matter what the current topic was about.
Since the day I discovered secret board hunters, I'd always admired Scum as Scum himself, even after I discovered he was just a shared account. Some of his more famous stomping grounds were the Crypt of Scum, Ninja Golf, Sector Alpha, Moon Patrol, and Captain Goodnight.
I realize completely that Scum was just an account, he wasn't really a single person, but to those that really knew him, Scum was more than just an account. Like no account could ever be. He was.. special. No one can ever replace Scum. There was a rumor (keep in mind it was just a joke) that there actually was a true Scum. The Scum that left an empty line at the bottom of his posts was the notorious "empty space Scum" and was often referred to as the "real" Scum.
I still remain hopeful that Scum will be un-banned someday even after all this time. Though I often wonder if it would be the same. Most of the people that used the account are long gone by now (mostly because Scum was banned, apparently). A few of my friends and I have tried to start up another Scummy account on several occasions, but each time it didn't work too well. There was just something special about that Scum.
One of our most successful attempts was a shared account that I affectionately named "Crum". We got a lot of the older hunters to join up and things were pretty cool for awhile and it looked as though "Scum" might just return yet, but then, not three weeks after we made Crum, Black Mist (who originally proposed the idea for another Scum account and was a very well-known and prominent poster) went and banned himself. None of us were banned except for BM, but Crum went with him. I sometimes wonder if CJayC knew about it, and had a soft spot for the rest of us. Or maybe it was because Math Murderer, a mod, also had access. (That's probably why no one else that had access to Scum was banned.) Misty wasn't trying to get the rest of us banned or anything, but he made me promise not to tell anyone why he banned himself, but I'll just say he's still cool with me.
Concerning BM's banning, after the well-known littleman1314 left GameFAQs, he handed over all his alts to Black Mist. For reasons I've promised not to disclose, BM went to LUE (Life, the Universe, and Everything, home board of some of the oddest people you'll ever meet), and posted the passwords to all the alt accounts. When a ton of LUEsers had logged in, BM suicided his account, taking down a ton of LUEsers with him. Lots of the LUEsers were given back their accounts, but since that day, no new users can ever enter LUE. It's the final straw that made LUE become a private board. The fact that those LUEsers were allowed to have their accounts back are one of the sole reasons I think Scum could be allowed back someday. After all, he was banned in a similar manner (read on).
The secret boards on GameFAQs just haven't been the same since that fateful night when Scum was banned. Take Captain Goodnight for instance. Scum used to post there all the time. Captain Goodnight, if you've never been there, is a horrible place these days. It was excellent when Scum and Dawn7 were still around, but now it's just one massive bump-fest, trying to keep a high post count for no particular reason.
Yeah, yeah, I know a lot of people absolutely adore the place, but go read some of the topics sometime. Just read them, all the way through. They're so goddamn boring! It's just a bunch of people either posting emoticons, agreeing with each other over and over and over in a jerk circle manner, or making uninspired "jokes" that weren't even funny back when they were first made. There are still a few cool people there, but the overarching concept is quantity over quality. Go. Check it out, then come back and tell me I'm wrong. I'm not saying this to be an ass. It's actually pretty painful to see such a great board fall from grace. Same thing goes for some of Scum's other old haunts.
If you wanna know more about what Scum was like when he was around, visit my website at:
Oh, and check the Links section to go to Scum's site. It's interesting, even though on the main page of his site it says he hasn't updated since December 22, 2002, it should really say 2003. I found his place back in 2002, and I know for a fact more topics were added in winter of 2003. Perhaps this is a sign that Scum isn't completely gone?
Also, each year on the holidays, NinjaMaster usually logs into the Scum spinoff account "Christmas Scum" and posts a holiday topic somewhere. Speaking of which, I never understood why they never used Scum 2 or Rebel Scum or Scum Bucket or any of the other Scum accounts after Scum was banned. Sure, it wouldn't be the same, but it would be nice to see ol' Scum every once and awhile, just for nostalgia's sake.
Here's a list of users (man, I sure do a lot of these, huh?) that had access to Scum (keep in mind lots of these guys are Kissiosn's alts, and this isn't even everyone that was part of it, this is just something I found one day on the secret boards):
Magician Type 0
Blood for Currency
Salad is Murder
United Cake Bakers
SybreTiger is cool
Comic Sans MS
Bane of Evil
Sargon of Akkad
Scum of the Earth
SECRET B0ARD P0LICE
SECRET BOARD POLlCE
SECRET B0ARD P0LlCE
Piter de Vries
Justin Hale McAnabis
Captain Topic Closey
Pretend Im a Guy
Pretend Im a Girl
Fasha the Dog
Finger to the Moon
SECRET B0RED P0LICE
St Patricks Day Scum
the originaI poster
K I N
Valentines Day Scum
Calvin de Vries
Magician Hawk Kat
Shut Up And Mark It
Contest and Shut Up
IN BIZARRO WORLD
Oval Kebob ll
leaky ruins duckbear
Raymond Luxury Yacht
King of C4s
Phat Ninja Snapper
Super Mario Kart
Pauly the cat
Happy Birthday Kinni
Click This Link
Mario Kart Rules
My Oh My
Create A New Account
Click For Profile
xX Yep Xx
I Respect The ToS
I Can Fly omgyes
fat man kinneh
All hail computers
I throw stuff
this wont work
LOL Kinnison Fanboys
teh Kinni d00d
it was worth a shot
X Emotional Scar X
Kinni is scared
good joke account
Tears of Blood
Note: If you ever encounter "Soap Scum" or "Scum Bag" on the boards, know they're not Scum spinoffs, nor do they have anything to do with Scum. Although, Scum Bag was a hunter that went around rating topics on the secret boards based on their age. He doesn't do that anymore, because the guy who made the account (though he's still around using his main account), gave Scum Bag to NickBush24. And we can't expect Nick to do the ratings in his stead, because there's no way Nick has any free time to spare.
But how was Scum banned, you may ask? Well, you inquisitive human, you, I'll tell you. It happened on the eve of May 25th, 2003 on the Outboards, an extremely popular GameFAQs message board spinoff made by outbreakorn. Now see, obo always admired Scum (and it is my belief he was actually pretty jealous of his popularity), and he was finally given access after requesting it for awhile.
Things ran smoothly for awhile. But then, one day, outbreakorn gave the password of Scum to LOL ANIME FANBOYS (who went to the Outboards). LAF was one of the KOS Krew (a group of users that have committed so many severe TOS violations, they are instantly banned when their IP Address is recognized, or Killed On Sight).
Of course, Scum proceeded to get suspended because of LAF, then banned. Scum probably would have been unbanned, but ColdFusion decided it was time to put the account to rest (since Scum had been suspended after being hacked several times before). When it was discovered outbreakorn was the source of the leak, he was banned as well. I can't really say I hate obo for it, as I don't know much about him. Yeah, he was an older hunter (not for very long, though) and was pretty well respected by the other hunters (till the Scum ordeal anyway), but I don't know much more than that. I once made an account on the Outboards back in 2002, but I never really posted.
In fact, I'd actually feel kind of sorry for obo if he didn't do what he did after giving the password to LAF. He went to the Crypt Of Scum, the board where lots of the older hunters hung out, and made a topic stating how he felt no remorse for his actions. If he hadn't done that, he probably would have still been okay in my book. It's not like he was bragging about it or anything, he realized he messed up, but he just didn't care. The greatest account GameFAQs will ever know is gone now because of him, and he didn't give a damn. Despicable.
Yeah, that's the whole sad story. In my opinion, Scum is the best representation of a real board hunter, and is what all hunters should strive to be. We really lost something more than an account that day. All the people that used Scum lived on, but I think GameFAQs lost who the "real" Scum was when he was banned.
D. You become rather annoyed by all text being centered
Annoying, isn't it?
E. Secret Board Stories
There have been several fictional stories based around GameFAQs and the secret board hunters written by people on the boards. Most famous of all is Infinite Rebirth's "Story of the Secret Boards" which you can read Part One of here, or here, if you want to see people's replies. Part two is located on the same board Part One was posted in that last link.
It's quite long (as far as stories about secret boards go), but definitely worth a read, especially if you've read everything on this page, as you obviously have a lot of free time and find secret boards interesting. It details the secret board hunters' fight against the mods and CJayC after Ceej declared he would get rid of the secret boards.
Another cool story (though short and unfinished) is DanKirby's "Secret Board Adventures", which you can read on his board, Darkwing Duck.
Another good one off the top of my head was made following Scum's banning, and it was about just that. I don't remember what it was called, and I don't have it archived, but it was pretty cool. I recall it was made by Ozzn0va (AKA: Cheer up emo kid).
Also, NinjaMaster is currently writing one called "!!The Amazing Adventures of RdDragon and Scum!!". It's more exciting than it sounds. Since I'm not sure if he would want me to post the link to it here, email me if you're interested, and I'll give you the board name it's on.
And now, the shameless plug.
I, too, have a secret board story. It's called "Quest For The Lost Secret Board", and can be read on the Tales Of Monsterpath board for Turbo-Grafx 16. I think it's even longer than IR's story, and it's nowhere near finished. If you like the other stories, you owe it to yourself (and especially me) to check it out.
F. More pornography
Okay, seriously this time. You want some hot porno, you got it. Click the following link to view the sexiest video you'll ever see.
Dan the Man (AKA: Hotsuma23): yeah, I can imagine you get this a lot, but I just read your whole board hunting spiel, and it was...life-shattering. heart-pounding. ass-kicking, you get the picture. about....fifteen minutes ago, I had no idea who you were, what board hunting was, or how big on arc Venus makes when it goes around the opposite side of the sun from us. now, I have a new respect for you and for board hunters everywhere.
still working on that Venus issue.
p.s. did I mention awesome? because you are.
Kaas: Xim, I don't know why, but in my eyes, you're the Godfather of the
Seriously, I have no idea why. I bet you put some mayonnaise in my dinner last night..
Abraham Lincoln: Four score and seven years from now, this magnificent work of art shall be heralded as the foundation for a new and successful religion known as "Hunterism". Mass cult suicides will indubitably follow.
Lord Shibidi, lord of all that is shibidi: A secret board hunting FAQ? It'll never work.
Xim: Wow, that was terrible. The author should lay off the dope.
ravenwarrior: I like mayonnaise.
Bob Sagat: Reading this was a whole lot of fun!
Send comments, questions, suggestions, or your own review to my email address.
Not Copyright 2005 by Anyone
Feel free to lick this page, and/or a jar of mayonnaise.
Why? Read this!