Non Bishonen Forces!

(On the Wall of Ohtori.  Miki is lying at Touga and Saionji's feet.  There is a slingshot pellet imbedded firmly in his forehead.)

Saionji (throws back his head and wails): OH GOD!  NO!  NOT MIKI-KUN! WHY, DIOS, WHY? (points at SDF ROTC scholarship students) You, you, and you!  Help him!  (SDF ROTC students shuffle around.  Saionji drops to his knees and takes Miki's hand.) Don't worry, Miki, we'll get you the best national health care this school can afford. (snarls at the SDF ROTC students) To the infirmary, peons!

Miki (sits up): Ouch.  That stings.

Saionji: Praise Dios!  It's a miracle!

Touga (dryly): I never knew you cared, Saionji.

Miki (gingerly touches forehead and extracts the slingshot pellet): Saionji doesn't care, Touga.  He's failing chemistry and if he fails another class, he'll get expelled permanently. And no suspicious figment of Akio's imagination will help him this time.

Saionji (ecstatic): Your resurrection proves that your mission in life is to save my scholastic career!

Touga: I wonder why, out of all of us, they shot you, Miki?

Miki: Me too.  You're a much bigger and more loudly dressed target than I am.

Touga (glaring): I was going to say more important personage.

(Saionji and Miki dissolve into hysterics.)

Touga (frowning): I AM more important than you.

Saionji (trying to keep a straight face): I was laughing at Miki's pellet bruise.

Miki: And I was laughing because I had just thought of Saionji's chances of passing chemistry.

Touga (slightly reassured): Oh, well, all right then.

===============

(Scene change: On the street in front of the Walls of Ohtori.)

Shanks (scowling): Damn.  I had thought of a plan too.  If only I had been allowed to parley.  They were probably willing to trade Makino for Nami.  Now that's down the tubes.

Nami (outraged): What do you mean, trade me?

Usopp: We've already abandoned our cook.  We can't trade away our navigator too.

Luffy: Unless it was for a performing monkey!

Zoro (brightly): Because one of those would be much more useful.

Nami (turns on Zoro): We would still be following a cloud if we let you navigate!  Which way is north?  UP!?

Zoro: That's it. (breaks out his swords) Without that cook around, I can get down to the business of seriously kicking your ass.

Nami (pulls out her bo): Bring it on!

Touga (hanging off the battlements): Did I see that right? Did she just pull that out of her skirt?

SDF ROTC Student 3: Yes, sir.

Miki (sternly): Touga, she's the enemy.  Don't get confused.

Touga: Has that stopped me before? (to the SDF ROTC student, lasciviously) What else do you see?

Miki: It would be preferable if you gave us information we could use. (glares at Touga.)

SDF ROTC Student 3: I count four males and two females.

Saionji: Exactly?

SDF ROTC Student 3: Yup.

Touga (scornfully): You can't know exactly.  Most people can't figure out a bishonen's sex until they've had at least five minutes of careful study.

Saionji (dryly): Unless you hit on them before they have a chance to breathe, right, Mr. President?

Miki: And sometimes not even then.

Touga (ignoring them): We'll give you a few minutes to make certain confirmation.

SDF ROTC Student 3: But that's what I'm trying to tell you, Mr. President.  They aren't bishonen at all!

Everyone: GASP!

===============

Random Quote Analysis:
Know where your sword is.  Always.  - Bayushi Tangen, Lies.

Zoro: Amen.  My swords are here and here and here and here.
Vivi: I thought you subscribed to the three sword style.
(Zoro smirks.)
Vivi: Pervert.


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Terms Explained
The "suspicious figment of Akio's imagination" would be Mikage of the Black Rose Saga.
Bayushi Tangen isn't real, but the quote is.