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Zoro the Vampirate Slayer
(The cute little village of Kokodale: during the day it's like any other normal town, but not every town is centered on --THE GRANDLINE!)
(Right now, two residents of Kokodale are going to find out the hard way why real estate prices are so low in their village.)
Ben: Should we be walking down this dark alley late at night? Hasn't most of the population of our town met a horrible grisly fate doing that?
Shanks (drunk as usual): Don't worry, Ben! I'm protect you.
Ben: Protect me? You can't even conjugate your verbs correctly.
(Something looms! Shanks screams and jumps into Ben's arms. There is a glimpse of a hideous figure - then darkness.)
(Cue Zoro the Vampirate Slayer theme music - there are lots of guitar riffs and drum solos in it.)
(At the Library - The Luffies are working on the newest problem in town.)
Nami (as Cordy, who is filing her nails): I know this place is convenient to do research, but seriously, could we redecorate or something?
(The door to the library bursts open. An exhausted looking Zoro pulls off his handkerchief and puts his swords away. He's obviously feeling pretty angsty right now, but his friends mob him anyway.)
Luffy (as Xander): Did you get all Slay-y on the pirates Zoro? Did you say something witty and then kick butt?
Usopp (as Giles): Have you determined the nature of the menace that we're battling here?
Nami (dryly): Please - he can't even determine this season's fashion. Haramakis are soooo last week.
Vivi (as Willow, extremely nice and nervous): I like the haramaki, Zoro.
Nami: Oh what do you know? Look at what you're wearing.
Vivi (bites her lip nervously): I know. I suck. (sadly) I can't even come up with a spell to make you be a decent human being…
Nami (exasperated): Why do I waste my time with you losers?
(Nami stalks off to file her nails in a place with fewer losers.)
Zoro (turns to Usopp): You know those bottles you keep under the check-out desk? What do they do?
Usopp: They are all eldritch potions of immense power.
Zoro (hopefully): Any of them called 'hard liquor'?
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Scene: In an abandoned mansion (because there seem to be a lot of those lying around), evil plots. The Master broods at a window; this is okay because it's night. 'Transylvanian Concubine' plays faintly in the background.
Voice: Master, I have news. We've recruited new members for our dark and evil purpose!
(The Master is kind of put out about having to stop brooding.)
Mihawk: Alvida, how many times do I have to tell you that it's not 'recruiting'? We aren't a social club; we're vampires.
(Alvida and Buggy enter. Alvida is doing a really good impersonation of Vampirella. Buggy is himself only he's looking less like a clown and more like a mime - a horror in itself.)
Buggy: But, Master, you have to admit that Alvida's plan is really good. Advertising vampirism as the best way to lose weight has recruits lining up at the door to join us in our dark, evil, flashy purpose.
Mihawk: Not 'recruits'; victims! Being a vampire is about mayhem and fear!
Buggy: But the slogan is so flashy!
Alvida (chiming in): It really is!
Buggy: "Be young and beautiful; forever."
Alvida: And unlike other weight loss programs, we deliver!
Buggy: With flash!
Mihawk: Silence!
Buggy: We're just saying…
(Mihawk gives him the evil eye, which is intimidating on normal Mihawk, but absolutely terrifying when it comes from vampire Mihawk. Buggy gets really quiet, really quick.)
Alvida: Master, when are we going to attack Zoro and his Luffies? (she gets kinda of excited saying the name 'Luffy') When do we get to turn them to our side?
Mihawk: We'll attack the Luffies… and Zoro (Mihawk gets kind of excited saying the name Zoro) when the time is right.
Buggy: "When the time is right?" You're always saying that.
Mihawk (ignoring Buggy): The power of the one protecting Zoro is too strong at the moment.
Alvida: We're working on lifting that wretched bushido curse, Master, but it will take time.
Buggy: Come on! Let's just attack them! We know who they are, we know what school they go to, we know everything about them! We have hoards of vampire minions to boot. We'll just overwhelm them with sheer flashy force and then suck every one of them dry.
(At the utterance of the words 'suck every one of them dry' Alvida and Mihawk space out for a bit, lovely vacant smiles on their faces. We will not delve too deeply into their thought processes. It will just burn away whatever shreds of innocence we've managed to maintain up to this point.)
Mihawk (shaking himself out of whatever wretched fantasy he was indulging in): When are you going to learn that we don't run around doing whatever we want, whenever we feel like it. There are prophecies to translate, portents to interpret -
Alvida: Moon cycles to follow, paperwork to fill out, divinations to perform -
Mihawk: - Elder gawds to summon and whatnot. Then, once all the elements are in place, that's when we strike. It's really very simple.
Buggy (muttering): The Slayer isn't our greatest enemy; bureaucracy is.
Mihawk (returning to brood at the window): And there is a darker evil out tonight, one that I even fear. (Dramatic pause)
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(Back at the library - the Luffies are researching. Just for the hell of it.)
Luffy: I hate reading. Where's the pizza?
Vivi: It should be here any minute. I love you.
Luffy: What?
Vivi (bites lip nervously): I love pizza?
Luffy (smiles rakishly, but also a little stupidly): Me too!
(Suddenly - a figure clad in a floor length leather jacket and smoking a cigarette lounges in the doorway.)
Voice: Slayer, we have to talk.
Luffy (get protective of his Slayer): You can't order the Slayer around like that! You may be a badass vampirate with an accent and all, but Zoro here is the Slayer and he can kick your ass!
Sanji (as Spike, leering): Kick? Yeah, something like that.
Zoro (glaring at Sanji): I hate you.
Sanji: It's called 'chemistry.' Now it's time to discuss this new menace, Slayer. Let's go out in the alley.
Zoro: Out in the alley?
(He looks around at the other Luffies. They are completely oblivious to the conversation and all the innuendos that may or may not be there.)
Sanji (smirking again): Out in the alley. Up against a wall.
Zoro: Oh. I see. That kind of 'discussion.' Well… I guess…
Voice (from the convenient shadows): Out of my way, you chain-smoking fashion disaster.
Sanji (growling): Always here to ruin the party, aren't you?
Zoro (gleefully): KUINA!
(A very pale, very undead, very vampire, very grown up Kuina steps into the magic shop. Gone are the days of baggy white shirts and black biker shorts. Think of it like this - a twist of 'Trinity' techno chic with a goth touch. In other words, plenty of tight pleather.
Kuina eyes Sanji malevolently as she walks past him then zeroes in on Zoro.)
Kuina (intensely): Zoro, there's a horrible new monster in town.
Zoro (also intensely): I know. It must be stopped. Even at the cost of our lives.
(They gaze at each other intensely.)
Sanji (disgusted): Here comes the angst…
Kuina: Though we must dwell in shadow and darkness, that does not mean that the rest of the world should be condemned to our plight. While we still have breath - (Zoro raises an eyebrow) - while we still have life - (Zoro raises an eyebrow again) - while we still have something that resembles life? (Zoro nods. Kuina picks up the thread of her speech.) While we still have something that resembles life, we must be defenders of all that is good and true in this world.
Zoro (intensely): Destiny is cruel, but that is my fate. You're the only one that truly understands what it means to be a vampirate slayer, Kuina. Hold me!
Sanji (pretending to do a voice-over): How can I ever thank you, Kuina? No need, Zoro. Your gratitude is truly thanks enough. That and working up a load of sexual tension and then trying to get it out in a lot of symbolic 'duels' -
Kuina (sharply): Sanji!
Sanji (sing-song voice): You two can't do anything naughty or Kuina will lose her soul.
(Kuina covers Zoro's eyes and gives Sanji her 'game face.')
Kuina: You wanna die? Again?
Sanji (cowed): No, ma'am.
(There is a scream. The Luffies rush into the hall and find that Nami is curled into a frightened fetal ball of wussiness. She can only moan incoherently and point to a dark corner of the hallway.)
Everyone: AAAAAAAA- Awwwwwww!
(In the corner, 'hiding' near a locker, is Chopper. He quakes nervously as everyone stares at him.)
Vivi: It looks harmless.
Sanji: So do you. Looks can be deceiving.
Zoro (growling): Back off, Sanji…
Usopp: Ahem. Do any of you believe that this … small fuzzy thing ... is the threat to the town?
Kuina: Nope.
Zoro (shifting from foot to foot nervously): Can I kill it?
Vivi: But it's so cute!
Zoro: It's getting tense in here and if Kuina hangs around in that outfit any longer…
Kuina (nodding): I like my soul. I want to keep it where it is. In my body.
Zoro (getting intense): Your very...sword-practicing honed...forever young and beautiful…
Sanji: Blood-sucking.
Kuina (looking at Zoro intensely): shutupsanji…
Zoro: ...black leather clad… (He swallows nervously) Body.
(A spray of ice cold water hits Zoro in the face.)
Zoro (sputtering): Okay! Okay! Libido is leashed!
(Luffy turns off the hose.)
Vivi: It's sad that slaying and long cold showers are the only thing keeping the Grandline closed.
(Chopper sneezes. Nami scrambles away from it and screams.)
Nami: LOOK AT ITS NOSE!
(Nami's scream frightens Chopper and he transforms into a - )
Everyone: BAKEMONO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zoro (eyeing Kuina with a barely disguised sukebe look): Can I kill it now? Please?
Kuina (licks her lips): Mmm. Killing…
(Zoro can't restrain himself any longer and pounces on - )
THE END
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Random Quote Analysis
"…you'd lose your soul and I don't even own a kimono." - Buffy to Angel on the non-possibility of a little 'something something' action.
Kohza Is that some kind of backhanded reference to that one fic?
Mihawk: What fic?
Kohza (off-handedly): You haven't read it.
Mihawk: How would you know what I've read?
Kohza: Er. I just don't think it'd be your type of reading. Sir.
Mihawk: Did it have Zoro in it?
Kohza: Yes.
Mihawk: Then I've read it.
Kohza: Did I mention that I'm not Zoro, sir?
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Things Explained
BtVS universe continuity is blatantly abused in this spoof. Deal with it.
Sanji's sarcastic speech was stolen almost word for word from an episode of Angel.
"Can I kill it now?" quote stolen from Buttercup. Zoro and her are a lot alike.
That one fic reference is to, you know, that one fic.
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