(A medieval castle.  A beautiful princess broods at the window of a tall white tower.)

Princess Vivi: Le woe is me.  The land is torn by strife and war and I am but a mere woman who can do nothing but watch my friends and family fight and die…

(Down in the courtyard, the Captain of the Guard, Zoro is actively not helping Sir Sanji get on his war steed.  Sir Sanji spends most of the time buffetting his squire, Luffy, about the face with kicks from his metal clad legs as he tries to mount his impossibly tall horse.)

Zoro (cleaning his fingernails with a giant doublehanded warblade): You're doing great, m'…

Sanji: M' what?  You always mumble that last bit.

Zoro: Speech impediment, m'…

Luffy: S' not.  Last night I distinctly heard you say 'mother-'

(Zoro throws his sword at Luffy's head - pommel first. Luffy ducks and the sword lands zinging in the ground.)

Sanji: Do be careful; squires are expensive.  I just got done training this one up.

Zoro (shrugs): Muscle spasm.

Princess Vivi (turns from the window): My poor loyal countrymen.  Little do they show their worry at the horror of war - for they are men and cannot show such things.  I am left to worry for them.  Do you share my fear, Lady-in-Waiting Nami?

(Lady-in-Waiting Nami hastily puts back a large silver goblet that she was trying lift.)

Nami: Of course, Princess Vivi.

Princess Vivi (sympathetically): You were so fearful that you were clutching that very expensive goblet so that you wouldn't bite your lip with worry…

Nami: Exactly.

(Vivi presses the goblet back into Nami's hand.)

Princess Vivi: Keep it with you, dear.  These are trying times.

(Vivi returns to brooding at the window while Nami mouths, "Yes!" and pumps her fist into the air in a very un-lady-in-waiting-like manner.)

Nami: Princess…it's almost time for dinner and the king mentioned the heating bill again.

(Vivi looks kind of put out that her pouting - er worrying - was interrupted and struts, er, walks off.  Nami goes to the window to shut it.)

Sir Sanji (from the courtyard): Oh, what light through yonder window breaks!  It is the east and Nami-san is the Seville orange.

(Lady-in-Waiting Nami shuts the window and walks away.)

=====================
(In the Great Hall. Vivi is worrying. Everyone else is eating dinner.)

Vivi: Le sigh.

(Nami helps herself to more roast potatoes.)

Vivi: A-HEM.

Nami: Oh, right. Le sigh.

Sir Sanji: Perhaps some humorous stories would lighten my fair ladys' hearts?  FOOOLLLLL!

(The merry tinkling of tiny bells fills the hall as….)

The Shankster: Hel-loooooo!

(The Shankster minces into the hall.  That's right.  The Shankster.  And where there is Shanks, there must be…)

Ben: I hate you for this.

The Shankster: Come on, Ben! No hiding in the shadows. I need you to be my straight man.

(The entire hall bursts out into roars of laughter.)

Nami (wiping tears of mirth from her eyes): I never get tired of that joke.

(But even that horrible pun cannot lift the spirits of the princess.)

Vivi: Le sigh.

Voice: SIRE! 

Cobra: Usoppio!

Vivi: And the two Pirateers!

(Usoppio, Jonnis, and Yosaque stride into main hall. As they cross the hall towards the dais, men gaze at them with awe and women swoon at their manliness - which is funny because they're wearing more crocheted doilies than in an old folks' home.  Usoppio sweeps his plumed hat from his head, his beautifully crinkled curls lapping at his shoulders.  He bows elegantly.)

Usoppio: Sire. Princess. All you other sods who are below my level of coolness. I have word from the front. The barbarian leader is willing to negotiate. We must choose a representative of the kingdom and send them straight away.

Cobra: This must be treachery!

Usoppio: No lie, Sire. I could tell that well. The barbarian speaks with sincerity.

Sanji: I will go and teach that cad what it means to defy the law of the land!

Zoro (pushing Sanji out of the way): I haven't killed anything in days.  Let me go!

Usoppio: Truly, I am the only one with the finesse and diplomacy to negotiate a fair truce.

Jonnis: We're with you, Pirateer Aniki!

Yosaque: All for one and one for -

Sanji: I WILL GO!

(While the men vie for the honor of who will be the messenger, Cobra ponders the decision carefully.)

Cobra: Silence!  I will send…Princess Vivi!

Vivi: ME?!

Everyone else: HER?!

Usoppio: I think that is highly ill-advised, sire -

Cobra: No.  I have received a measure of this rebel from your detailed reports, Usoppio. (scary shadows) I know exactly what I'm doing.

Vivi: I can't go!  Who will worry if I'm gone?

Sanji: I'll gladly worry in your place, princess.

Vivi: You aren't helping!

======================
(Sometime later on neutral territory. Princess Vivi is finding that you can worry anywhere.)

Nami: It's for your kingdom.

(Nami is 'helping' Vivi along by dragging her towards the negotiating tent by her hair.)

Vivi: Ow. I didn't know you were so mean.

Nami: I'm whatever your dad wants me to be so long as those weekly payments in gold keep coming.

(Nami stops at the front of the tent.)

Nami: Announcing Princess Vivi, daughter of Cobra, the King Who Is Wise and Benevolent and Knows Really Important Secret Stuff Which Will Not Be Explained Right Now, He Who Is Keeper of the Dance Powder Which You Most Definitely Cannot Have So Don't Even Ask, Buddy, and Father to the Hottest Chick in the Land Barring Myself From That Category Of Course. (to Vivi) Now go wrestle a truce out of that manly barbarian.

Vivi: I hope it won't come to that!

Nami: Your dad does.  Oops - I mean - never mind. (Nami pushes her inside and Vivi closes her eyes at the last minute.)

Vivi: I must steel myself for whatever horrible sight exists inside this tent.  I cannot be flustered by the barbarian, no matter what he does or says.  The fate of the kingdom is in my hands…

(Vivi opens her eyes fearfully.)

Kohza: They sent a girl?

Vivi: …

(The barbarian leader looks a bit incongruous.  He has unkempt hair that accents his barbarous blue plaid kilt that matches his very woad dyed skin.  But the wild man effect is ruined by the glasses and volumes of French poetry lying around.)

Kohza: I know, I know.  I look like an idiot, but it's tradition so what can you do. Between you and me, I can't stand it.  Woad's impossible to get out and kilts are not designed for horseback riding.  Way too drafty.

(Vivi almost le drools but gets ahold of herself at the last minute.)

Kohza: Well, shall we begin?  I have a list of what my side desires.

(Vivi flinches at the last word.  Her eyes go slightly…almond shaped.)

Kohza: What of yours?  Perhaps we'll find some common ground.

Vivi: Le ground?  Your tent appears to be laden with soft furs and exotic carelessly strewn fabrics that would be much more suitable than le ground. (Vivi's eye shape switches back to round.)  I mean…

Kohza: I don't think I'm following you.

Vivi: Ah.  Never mind.  Let's start comparing demands. Don't think I'm going to give in easily though! I love my kingdom with all my heart and soul and will do whatever is necessary to ensure its peace and happiness. (Eye switch.) I'm prepared to go all night to get what I want (back to normal) for my people!

Kohza: And I the same.  Though I am wondering at the king's choice… he sends his own unworldy daughter who has never left the four walls of his castle to negotiate with a strange young man who is an enemy of the state.  I'm surprised. Why would the king risk his own innocent heir to such a perilous task? (looks up) Is something wrong?

Vivi (eye switch): Everything is sooooo right. (normal eyes) Ah. That is you'll find that I'm not as fragile as I look. I refuse to leave this tent until all points of contention are (switch) laid (switch) to rest.

Kohza: Your tenacity is admirable.

Vivi (eye switch): I shall not stop until I find out what's under that kilt.

Kohza: What?!

Vivi: Or how far down that blue paint goes!

(Vivi tackles the rebel leader.)

Kohza: Treacherous assassin!

Vivi: No - sheltered young lady finally let out of the castle!  Let's 'negotiate' those clothes off!

=====================
Random Quote Analysis
"How far down do you think that paint goes?"
"Urm."
"Did you hear me?"
"Look at the screen."
"Ah. Camels. Mating. Interesting." - conversation at Tool concert between Author and Associate in Crime

Mihawk: I am extrapolating that it was a good concert.
(Kohza is slack-jawed. In his cage.)
Kohza: She likes me?
Mihawk: It would appear so. Though perhaps her affection hasn't progressed beyond the schoolyard stage of pulling your hair and saying you have cooties.
Kohza: She had me covered in blue paint… weird.
Mihawk: Not necessarily her work, young man.  We have yet to discover how far these universes dictate their own scripts and how much is due to the participants' subconscious desires.
Kohza: That's an excellent point.
Mihawk: Though the girl did pose an excellent question. I too was wondering how far the paint went down.
(Kohza gets a panicky look.)
Mihawk: 'Wondering' in a purely speculatory scientific socio-anthropological manner.
Kohza (hastily): I'm not Zoro.
Mihawk: Yes. You've mentioned that before. 
Kohza: I'm really not Zoro.
Mihawk: Though…
(Mihawk stares at Kohza with his swirly eyes.)
Kohza: NEW RQA ANALYZER!


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Things Explained
I had so many options to combine spam, sand, a princess and/or a rebel. Dune, Aladdin, Lawrence of Arabia … but I chose this instead. The kilts were calling.