(Arlong Park.  Nami is tossed into her room.)

Arlong's Voice: Get in there, cat. Don't think you're going anywhere until those maps are finished!

Nami: Cats can't write, you stupid head!

(The door slams shut and is locked from the outside.)

Nami (grumbling): And cats eat fish, you jerk.

(Nami works on the maps and after a few hard hours, gets ready for bed.  She puts on a blue un-Nami-like dressing gown and then turns out the lights.  Someone sobs.  Nami turns the lights back on.  There is a boy sitting on the windowsill and he is crying.)

Nami: Why are you crying, boy? 

(The boy sobs.)

Nami: Only cry-babies cry.

(The boy sadly holds up his hat.)

Nami: What's wrong with it?

(He pokes his finger through the large hole in the top and bursts into waterworks.)

Nami: Hang on.  (She rummages through her desk, finds a thread and a sewing needle, and gets to work on repairing the boy's hat.)

Boy: Please don't hurt him.

Nami: Hats don't have feelings.

(The boy begins to cry again.)

Boy: Muh-muh-my hat has fuh-fuh-feelings…

Nami (sighs dramatically): Fine. (pats the hat) There, there, hat. This will only take a minute and the pain makes you tougher.  (back to the boy) So what's your name?

Boy (proudly): I'm Luffy Pan!

Nami (sewing industriously): And before I scream my head off and alert an army of fishmen to your presence, would you care to tell me how you got up here?

(Luffy rolls his eyes like she's just asked what color the sky is.)

Luffy" Gomu Gomu Slingshot. Durh.

Nami: Yeah…so can you teach me that trick?

Luffy: No.

Nami: Darn.  (she finishes with the hat)  That'll be 10,000 berii please.

Luffy (wrinkling his nose): Whassat?

Nami (aghast): You don't know about money?

(Luffy picks his nose and shakes his head.)

Nami (moving from merely aghast to appalled): Where are you from?

(Luffy points out the window with the other hand that is not up his nose.)

Nami: That's not a place.  That's a direction!  Where are you from?  What's it called?

(Luffy shrugs - kinda like Atlas, but the world doesn't fall off his shoulders.)

Nami: Don't you know anything?

Luffy: What kind of 'thing'?

Nami (ticking off her fingers): Basic economic systems, exchange rates by countries, the benefits of IRA and Roth accounts, venture capital, meteorology, weather forecasting, ocean currents.  You know, important stuff.

Luffy (beaming): I can stick chopsticks up my nose.  Wanna see?

(Nami is absolutely overcome by pity for the poor stupid boy in the hat.)

Nami: Do you have anyone to take care of you?  Teach you stuff?

Luffy: My nakama takes care of me.  And I take care of them. 

(Nami reflects on her 'nakama' situation and is skeptical.)

Luffy: Oh, if you wanna see the chopstick thing, I'll have to use yours.  I didn't bring mine.

Nami: Don't you have a family?

(Luffy shakes his head and Nami is struck by a feeling of orphan comradeship.  It wars with her desire to shake sense into the kid.  And that wars with her desire to hit him on the head with her bo and see if he has anything valuable in his pockets.  And all that wars with her desire to put a bunch of dynamite under Arlong Park and light the end of a very long fuse.)

Luffy (remembers something): No, but I have nakama!  We need a navigator!  And one of them wants a 'mother' person.  Maybe you could help me.  Do you know any navigators or what a 'mother' is?

Nami: I know a little bit about navigating and mothers…

Luffy (eyes get big): REALLY?!  Will you be my nakama?

Nami: If I came along, would I get money?

Luffy: You'll get life-long friendships, adventure, fame, and the chance to be called my 'nakama'!

Nami: Would I get mon-ey?

Luffy (evasively): Yeah…sure.  We have lots of 'money' where I come from.  It washes up on the
beach with the high tide.  We have so much money we don't know what to do with it…

Nami (sighs): You still don't understand.

Luffy: Nope.

Nami: Never mind.  I'll go.  It can't be any worse then here.

(Luffy cheers. Nami clamps her hand over Luffy's mouth, but it's too late!)

Arlong (from outside the door): What the hell's going on?

Nami: We gotta get out of here!

Luffy: That's easy.  Hang on.

Nami (gingerly wrapping her arms around Luffy's neck): Where are we going?

Luffy: Two stretchy arms and we slingshot 'til morning!

Nami:  That's not a place, that's a - eeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!

=====================

The Place: About 2,000 miles away from Nami's Window in a Vague Direction
Time: The Calm Quiet Morni-

Nami: EAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

(Luffy Pan and Nami hit the main sail of the Going Merry Go.  Nami rolls down the length of the sail and is deftly caught by Sanji.  Luffy is deftly not caught by Zoro.  But Usopp breaks his fall, so it's all good.)

Sanji (totally surprised): No way.  This couldn't be our new…

(Luffy dusts himself off while Usopp twitches on the ground and Nami extracts herself from the stunned Sanji.)

Sanji: Manna from  heaven. (looks to sky) Thank you.

Luffy: Hey guys.  This is Nami.  Line up so you can be introduced.  (The guys do so, Usopp suffering through it all) Nami, these are the Lost Boys.

Nami: OH!  I LOVE YOUR MUSIC!

(The wind whistles through the awkward silence at the lame reference.)

Nami: So why are they called the Lost Boys?

(Usopp and Sanji take a step back and look pointedly at Zoro.)

Ussop: Supposedly it means that we never grow up, as in lost to society and the pressures of being adults, and it isn't in reference to Zoro's problem.

(Zoro smacks Usopp on the back of the head while Sanji embraces Luffy and Nami enthuasiastically.)

Sanji (sobbing): You're the best captain ever.

Luffy: Isn't she great?

Sanji: She's gorgeous! 

Nami: Of course.

Sanji: How much is she setting us back per hour?

(Luffy and Sanji go flying across the room.)

Nami: That is not in the job description of either 'navigator' or 'mother' - unless someone has an Oedipus complex.

Sanji: Mother? Dammit, Luffy!  I said I wanted a 'lover' not a 'mother.' Do you have wax in those Gomu ears of yours?!

(Sanji and Luffy start fighting. Their fight runs into Zoro who is pulled in as well.  It turns into a free for all. Nami sighs and realizes that she's probably going to be 'mothering' ie 'dishing out the discipline' a lot more than she'll be navigating.  Something lands on her shoulder.)

Nami: BUG!  BUG!  Get it off of me!  Get it off of me!

(Sanji tries to hide from the bug, but Zoro drags his butt back into the fray.)

Usopp: It's not a bug.  It's Chopperbell, the reindeer faery and our adorable mascot.

Chopperbell (hovering in front of Nami's face): Hello!  Are you going to be our mother?

(Nami's eyes get all shiny with reflected faery cuteness.  She plucks Chopperbell out of the air and gives him a hug.)

Nami: Kawaii!!!!!

(Seeing as Chopperbell is now faery sized, he disappears into Nami's cleavage.  Faint screams can be heard from the area of her bosom.  This attracts Sanji's attention.)

Sanji: Problem, miss?  Allow me…

(Sanji gets blind-sided by Luffy Pan, who's not finished, and Nami carefully removes Chopper by one of his tiny, sparkly faery wings.)

Nami: Glitter all over the front of my nightgown.  That is gonna be a pain to get off.

Chopperbell: Oh no!  I forgot why I came here.  Luffy Pan!  It's horrible. Princess Tiger-Vivi has been captured by the evil Captain Croc!  We must save her!

(Luffy Pan stops fighting with Sanji and Zoro.)

Luffy Pan (going into a controlled rage): Korokodairuuuu….

Nami: Captain huh?  I bet he has treasure.

Luffy Pan: Korokodairuuuuuu….

========================
Random Quote Analysis

(The Author and Nojiko have found a common love - karaoke.  So RQA is being dropped in favor of Random Karaoke Night.  Nojiko is studying the karaoke catalogue. Kohza is not amused.)
Kohza: Where's the karaoke machine from?  Hugh Hefner's cast off from the playboy mansion?
[Hostess bar. And there's nothing gross you can do with a karaoke machine.]
(Nojiko looks at the mike in her hand and quickly tosses it like a hot potato through the bars and into Kohza's cage.  He kicks it onto the floor in disgust.)
[Mind. Gutter. Out.  I got the machine at the hostess bar and I bought the mikes separate. I'm thrifty, not dirty.]
Nojiko: NO WAY! They have Vengaboys in here! And S Club!  Awesome! (singing - tunelessly) Never had a dream come true…
(Kohza cringes. The Author notices this.)
[The way you're acting, Kohza, one might believe that you don't like karaoke.]
(Nojiko gasps in horror.)
Kohza: Hate.  Loathe.  Detest.  Abhor.

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=========================
Things Explained
I would apologize to the creator of Peter Pan, but he's dead and has been for a long time.
S Club is not S Club 7 because Paul left.  The Author weeps.
"The Lost Boyz" are a rap group.