The Scene: A Sea Cave

(The evil Captain Croc has captured Princess Tiger-Vivi and tied her up in the cave.  The water will rise slowly and drown her if someone doesn't save her soon!)

Croc: I'll lure Luffy Pan here using you as bait, then get revenge for this!

(Croc holds up his hook, glaring at the bit where his hand is supposed to be.)

Tiger-Vivi: I'm sorry that the violence you received at the hands of your ex has twisted you into this mess, but please let me go and leave Luffy Pan out of this.

(Croc turns red.)

Croc: What did you say?!

Tiger-Vivi (conversationally): I said "the violence you received at the hands of your ex has twisted you into this mess."  At least that's what my Dad told me.  He said the only man you ever loved broke up with you and then when you wouldn't leave him alone he cut off your hand and scarred your face.  And now you're crazy.

(Croc turns purple.)

Tiger-Vivi: But I told my Dad that I thought you were crazy before all that.  Because you're attracted to Mihawk. I mean, he has swirly eyes and that's just freaky.

(Croc shoves a gag in Vivi's mouth.)

Croc: That'll teach you to talk about my private life.

(Luffy slingshots into the cave and right into Croc who goes flying into the water.  Luffy grabs onto Tiger-Vivi to keep from falling in.  They watch as Captain Croc dissolves in the water.)

Tiger-Vivi: Well that was anti-climatic.

Luffy (beaming): So I won?

Tiger-Vivi: I think so.

Luffy: YEEEEAHHHHH!!!!  Time to eat!

(Luffy Pan slingshots his way back out of the cave and winks out of sight.)

Tiger-Vivi: Hey.  Uh.  Come back.  (watches the water creep up towards her feet) The tide's coming in…

(A small rowboat appears in the mouth of the cave.)

Tiger-Vivi: Hello?

(It's Nami.  She's being rowed by Zoro, Bitter Lost Boy Slave.)

Nami: Hi.  Thought you might need assistance.

Tiger-Vivi: Do I ever.

Nami: Good.  Let's negotiate.

Tiger-Vivi: I have to pay to be rescued?  But Luffy Pan just -

(Nami shakes her head.)

Nami: He's not Luffy Pan anymore.  I bought his name.  Luffy is officially just another Lost Boy and I am Nami Pan.  Luffy does the villain ass kicking and then I let him eat.  Then I do the rescuing and accounting.  So I hope you have some cash back at the Indian village or you get to swim home.

Tiger-Vivi: Cash?  Is that some kind of fish?

Zoro: I told you already, woman. We don't understand your money babbling!

(Nami Pan hits Zoro with her bo to make her point.  Her point is that she's Nami Pan.)

Nami Pan: Fine.  No cash.  What about shiny things?  You have any shiny things?

(Tiger-Vivi shakes her head and anxiously watches the waterline creep a little higher.)

Nami Pan: I thought you were a princess.  So what's valuable to your people?

Tiger-Vivi (proudly): The land.  We are caretakers of nature and the forest and -

Nami Pan: Good.  I'll save you if you give me some prime real estate.  Something with an ocean view, good drainage, and lots of fiborous trees that I can sell to the lumber industry.

Tiger-Vivi (shocked): Cut down trees?

(Nami Pan rolls her eyes and points at the waterline which is now lapping at Tiger-Vivi's feet.)

Tiger-Vivi: But...

(Nami Pan hits Zoro on the head, not to make a point this time, but to just hit him on the head.)

Nami Pan: Let's move out, Lost Boy.

(Zoro grumbles and starts rowing.)

Tiger-Vivi: WAIT! Okay! Whatever you want.  Just save me!

(Nami Pan unties the princess. Both Tiger-Vivi and Zoro grumble as Zoro rows them out of the sea cave.  Nami Pan grins widely.  The navigator, surrogate mother figure, and absolute undisputed ruler of the Grandline reflects that never growing up could be really, really lucrative…)

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Random Quote Analysis

"Let me get this straight.  You're threatening me with the singing of annoying songs if I don't let you sing annoying songs?" - Bun Bun, Sluggy Freelance

(Nojiko and the Author are reeling from the spoken blasphemy of Kohza.)
Nojiko: How could you -
[- not - ]
Nojiko: - like -
Both: karaoke?
Nojiko: That's like not liking breathing!
Kohza (sourly): Wrong. It's like 'not liking paying to listen to drunk people imagining that they have vocal talent.'  Karaoke is the first thing I'm going to abolish when I become king of Alabasta…haha!  That is I meant to say when I become … Ling of Ally, My Love - which of course I won't because well, that's impossible.
(Nojiko grins evilly.)
Kohza (desperately): I love karaoke!
Nojiko: Someone thinks out loud.
[Blackmail time!]
Kohza: Oh hell.
[Good job.  Got it in one. Analyze the quote, Sandy, and let the karaoke marathon begin!]
Kohza: Someone hates that Bun Bun fellow.  And me.

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Things Explained
Ally, My Love is the Japanese title for Ally McBeal.  It's way funnier in dubbed Japanese.
Yes.  There is Mihawk x Croc doujin.  It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase 'the secret inner workings of the mysterious Shichibukai.'