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PIRATES WARS: THE CONCLUSION
No really. It is.
On a sandy island・lt;br>
Vividala: Why did you drag me off my island again?
Shannikin (grits his teeth): Would you let up for one minute, woman? Always yammering about 'reasons'. (Shannikin docks the boat.) Well, time to load up on supplies on my home island before stopping the Sea Lord's plans for world sea domination. Here's the list. While you're shopping, I'm going to pop in and say hi to my mom.
Vividala: Hang on. You're gonna leave me alone?
Shannikin (blinks): What? You'll be shopping. Don't girls like that? Be back in a bit.
(Vividala sighs.)
Vividala: He's definitely a fixer-upper.
(A few hours later. Shannikin reappears・
Vividala: How was the family visit?
Shannikin: Not so good. Mom was kidnapped by a bunch of desert bandits. By the time I got there, she'd been killed.
Vividala (concerned): Are you okay?
Shannikin (genki): Totally. I massacred the bandits and I feel much better. I knew the Fruits was good for something.
Vividala (a bit frightened): Oh. Well.
Shannikin: What?
Vividala: You look much more・hadowy・right now. But I'll ignore that.
Shannikin: Good idea. Let's not worry about any mental health altering events in my life and stop those Sea Lords!
================
Sometime later・lt;br>
Vividala: You guys suck.
(Vividala, Shannikin, and O-Ben are tied to stakes in the middle of the gladiator like arena. Kohza, Kohza-ko, and Evil Duke Mihawk are watching from the box seats. Kohza is wearing a beer hat on his head and passing out the hot dogs he bought everyone.)
Kohza: Heads up, Duke. (when everyone gets their hot dogs, he pats Kohza-ko on the head) Is my boy having fun at his first spectacle of death?
Kohza-ko: Yeah! (turns back to the action) Monsters! Kill 'em! Kill 'em all!
Evil Duke Mihawk (looking at the foam hand he has): What am I supposed to do with this?
Kohza: Wave it around. Cheer.
Evil Duke Mihawk (waves the foam hand): This is fun, is it?
Kohza: To us regular working joes it is.
Evil Duke Mihawk: Then that explains a lot.
(Back on the sandy floor.)
Shannikin: Did I mention you look really pretty?
Vividala: Shut up.
O-Ben: We are so screwed. Unless・lt;br>
(A huge aircraft buzzes the arena.)
O-Ben: Yes! It's the Jepi's personal spacecraft! The Deus Ex Machina!
Shannikin: We're saved!
(Jepi parachute into the arena and start to lay waste about them.)
Kohza: Kohza-ko, get behind me. I have a bad feeling about this.©
(Other assorted evil entities join the fray. Throughout the battle, Vividala loses more of what little clothing she was wearing - inspiring the rest of the fighters to continue on!)
O-Ben: Come on, Shannikins. We've got to go after Evil Duke Mihawk!
(O-Ben and Shannikin corner the Evil Duke Mihawk, but the Sea Lord seems unconcerned.)
Evil Duke Mihawk: Bring it on, Jepi.
O-Ben: I won't fight an unarmed man.
(Mihawk raises his eyebrow and unsheathes his cross light dagger that he wears around his neck. It's so tiny - but deadly. He easily disarms O-Ben and bops him in the forehead, knockin' him unconscious. Then he turns to Shannikin.)
Evil Duke Mihawk: Come to the dark side, Jepi apprentice.
Shannikin: Why? What do you have that the Jepi don't?
Evil Duke Mihawk: Cable.
(Shannikin yawns.)
Evil Duke Mihawk: Box seats to the Universal Opera?
(Shannikin looks at his fingernails.)
Evil Duke Mihawk: Pimpin' capes?
(Shannikin looks up, intrigued.)
Evil Duke Mihawk: That's right. Come to the Dark Side・e have pimpin' capes. Shannikins・lt;br>
(The use of his hated pet name breaks Shannikin from the evil spell of the pimpin' capes.)
Shannikin: Don't call me that! Only O-Ben -
(From the corner of the room, O-Ben manages to raise the 'People's Eyebrow' even in his unconscious state.)
Shannikin (grits his teeth): Only my 'Master' can call me Shannikins!
Evil Duke Mihawk (to himself): That explains a lot・(out loud) Do you believe you can defeat me, young Jepi?
Shannikin: Of course I can. I'm the hero.
(Mihawk takes Shannikin's arm off in one fell swoop.)
Shannikin: Hey・lt;br>
(Shannikin collapses.)
Evil Duke Mihawk: Silly boy. You're the anti-hero.
Voice: Reason to remove his arm that's not!
Evil Duke Mihawk: Choppa! (narrows his eyes) How is it that you're the most powerful Jedi in the universe and yet you still can't speak in grammatically correct sentences?
(Choppa pulls out his light rumbleball and, in his insane cuteness, executes an awesome flip. He land lands perfectly and poses with the ball between his hooves.)
Choppa: 'Master' you will call me soon.
Evil Duke Mihawk: Who's going to make me?
Voices: Us.
(Evil Duke Mihawk gets an eyeful of sea-green and swords. He's surrounded by the Klone Army.)
Evil Duke Mihawk (sneering): What's your game, Choppa?
Choppa: Protection money must you pay weekly or your knees will they break, hmm?
Mace Usoppu: Um, Master Choppa・ don't think that's how it goes・lt;br>
Choppa (glares at Usoppu): Questioning me are you?
Mace Usoppu: Not at all.
Kohza Klone #4849087348: Excuse me, Choppa, but the Sea Lord has escaped.
Mace Usoppu: Why didn't you stop him?!
Kohza Klone #1297346723: He zigged and then zagged.
Kohza Klone #89758948574: We couldn't keep up with his manuevers.
Mace Usoppu: Well, get the wounded together, put an arm on that Jepi apprentice, and we'll head back home.
Kohza Klone #6748983475984: Yes, sir.
Choppa: Home・mm・lt;br>
(Vividala appears.)
Vividala: THAT was anti-climatic. I still don't see why I had to be here! Excuse me? Mr. Jepi? Are you alright?
(Usoppu and Choppa have gone spacey at the sight of Vivi in her nearly ripped off clothes.)
Usoppu: I've got some ideas why...
(The Jepi leave. In the dust of the arena, a small child walks through the carnage. He comes to something in the bloody sand and stoops down to pick up・ beer cap.)
Kohza-ko: Dad?
(cue ominous music・
====================
O-Ben: And that's what happened.
Luff (confused): But what's this have to do with my dad?
(Sanji rolls his eyes.)
Luff: Are you saying that・(aghast) No, it can't be!
O-Ben: I'm afraid so, Luff.
Luff: My dad is・hoppa?!
THE END
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Random Quote Analysis
All the beauty, variety and charm of life are made up of light and shade. - Prince Steven Oblonsky, Anna Karenina
Nojiko: Sounds like a justification to misbehave, if you ask me. And you can never have enough of those. Right, Four Eyes?
(Kohza blinks.)
Nojiko: That was me asking your opinion. When I speak to you, you answer. Cage or no, if you piss me off, I'll pound you until you have to drink your meals. Got me?
Kohza: And you are?
Nojiko: I'm Nojiko, Nami's adopted sister, and tattooed thug of Kokoyashi Village.
Kohza: 'Thug'? (a look of divine rapture passes over Kohza's face)
[(darkly) Hang on just a minute.]
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home
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Please, you think I made up those Choppa quotes? Not even. I stole all the good ones from the top 12- www.topfive.com/arcs/t5111302.shtml
Were you wondering if I could kill off Kohza? I know I was. But I dug into the deepest part of my fangrrl soul and offed him.
All pimpin' capes belong to her.
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