Recent update's thought

       Tomorrow is school. What will she say?... Those were the words I started a thought with one year ago. This time it's also school tomorrow. But she won't say anything. She hasn't for six weeks now.
       Last time I wrote that we talked on the phone and agreed on a meeting. The week after she sent me an SMS saying she'd call me when she'd have the time to. Since then I haven't heard from her. Two days ago it's been six weeks. Yes, I am still counting.
       I think I haven't yet talked about how funny one's subconscience can act... for instance I have observed that I usually start "playing" or humming a song in my head which exactly represents the mood I am in. At this moment it is Missing by Everything But The Girl ("...and I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain..."). When I was bringing some chocolate for Katey I was singing, "sweets for my sweet, sugar for my honey..."... When I was just happy after being out with her I sang, "Didn't know I was looking for love till I found you...". I miss her. I don't understand how she can throw everything away that we shared so light-heartedly... throw away me. I guess it's easier to let go of a friend if you've found someone to love... It's always been her choice... now she has made it... and I accept it. What could I do, anyways?... Trying to sort my feelings... I am definitely still in love with her... cannot see a girl the way I see her... although I have started looking now. Trying to get to know some girls, seeing if I'd have a chance with them. As I was going home from taking a girl home I passed Katey's house. I guess I just wanted to refresh memories. Nostalgia maybe. I wondered what it would be like if I would meet her out there. And there suddenly was a girl some 30 metres in front of me who looked pretty much exactly like her. And a dog which looked exactly like her dog. And a guy. I immediately turned to the right and went another way so that I wouldn't meet her and she hopefully wouldn't see me. I didn't want to meet her. I still don't know why. I didn't want to talk to her like that, just meeting her by accident on the street... I wanted her to call me... or not to call me. So that I know if she wants to talk. If she cares anyhow anymore. Or if she doesn't. Didn't want to "force" her to talk... and I couldn't just walk by just saying "Hi.". What would she think? He hates me now? I don't... Also I think it would be difficult for me to talk to her eye to eye, maybe even meeting her new love... it would hurt too much. So I rather ran away. If she wants to talk she can call me. It's up to her. And meanwhile I am looking for someone I could love.

       I think everybody witnessed the events of September 11^th. Everybody has had the chance to make his own picture of the events and of those which followed them. I disagree with many things said or done. Here I'll try to present my points.

       Almost every country expressed its grief about the terrible attacks against New York and Washington. So many innocent people were killed. It's a tragedy like the world has never seen before. People from all countries can be seen crying, showing compassion for the US and the loss it has suffered. I have seen a thread on a forum (on ArsTechnica as far as I remember) where people posted photographs showing people from around the world crying, praying or being just desperate because of the terrorist attacks. Great. Where have they all been when a hurricane swept across Salvador or when an earthquake hit Nicaragua? The number of victims was at least tenfold compared to the US attacks. Many people have lost their homes. And nobody cares about them, they're all forgotten, because we don't see them on the news everyday, because the countries aren't influential, aren't important, nor are the lives of their inhabitants. However, if something happens in the US then suddenly everyone seems so compassionate about it, offering help, condolences. Why are the lives of the US citizens worth more than the lives of the others? And what's the matter with the big companies, showing off how much money they spend to help the victims of the attacks. $50 million, as far as I know. You must realize, it's great publicity for them. We, the big companies share your grief and are so generous to spend our hard earned money to help the victims. How much have they spent for the victims of Salvador or Nicaragua? In the US the victims are either all dead or doing relatively fine. Those who have survived still have their homes and most of their possessions, as opposed to the victims of the natural disasters who have lost their homes, hope for international aid to survive, since the countries themselves are poor and can't properly help their own people. The money flows to the US citizens. A concert of dozens of stars, just to help the US victims. It almost seems like all the people are helping just because all the others do. They are helping because they are expected to help. What monsters would they be if they didn't help, now that so many people have died in a tragedy such big? I think there are people who need the help more. How much money has been raised for the civilians in Chechnya? They are suffering, having been driven away from their homes, because of a war which started only because the local and the federal government couldn't agree on something. All the help, in whichever form (food, blood, money...) goes to the US. The US is the wealthiest country on Earth. It doesn't need international help...

       ...and it doesn't accept it, either. Slovakia also offered help in form of a team of specially trained dogs to find people in the ruins of collapsed buildings, be it after earthquakes or terrorist attacks. The team was also active in Turkey after the disastrous earthquake a few years ago, however, the US didn't accept the offer. They can handle this alone, on their own. So they reject an offer which could save lives just because they are too proud. Yeah, the pride. I think it was Secretary of State Colin Powell who said, "We are not a people to walk around frightened. Americans don't walk around frightened.". That sounds as if Americans were someone better than the rest of the world, which could walk around frightened. But not the Americans. They are the best and they don't walk around frightened. Because they are Americans and that means they are perfect and all they do is perfect, too. So, it's only Americans, as it seems. Wrong. Suddenly they need the help of the whole world in a fight against terrorism. It's a global war, there can be no one neutral. "Either you are with us or you're with the terrorists." Yeah? Since when? How much did they care about the terrorist attacks in Izrael, their ally I may note. They sent the chief of CIA, but he hasn't achieved almost anything. And terrorist attacks elsewhere? No sign of any US intervention. However, if something happens on American soil it's something completely different. Suddenly it's everyone's matter and everyone has to get involved in this "new kind of war".

       I must admit I dislike Bush quite a lot. However, I listened to what he had to say about this. He said it was an attack against the American way of life and that democracy was at danger. What kind of nonsense is that? Attack against the American way of life? That gives me the picture of Osama Bin Laden sitting at a table, supporting his head, thinking hard, "OK, the American way of life. They get up every morning, eat a toast with something, go to work, eat at McDonald's during lunch break, return back to work, finish, return to their families in the evening, spend time with them and go to bed. Now, my primary goal would be to change this. I don't want them to eat toast for breakfast, I want them to eat rolls. So, how do I do that... oh, I know! I crash two airplanes into the WTC and one into the Pentagon. Then their way of life will definitely change.". Yep. Democracy at danger? What, does Bush really believe that Bin Laden intended to overthrow the US government and establish a fascist or any other totalitarian regime in the US by crashing planes into the WTC and Pentagon? I mean, how stupid is this? Bin Laden wanted to humiliate the US, the biggest symbol of what he is fighting against, by destroying its symbols of power. It partly worked and partly it didn't. The US aren't down on their knees, but they hurt. So, I'd be glad if someone could explain Bush's words to me so that they make more sense. Apart from that, have you seen Bush at the WTC site, talking to the rescuers and helpers? The thing with Bush saying, "I hear you... the rest of the world hears you. And the ones responsible for this will hear from us soon." and then the people shouting, "U-S-A! U-S-A!" My first thought was 'Nazi fanatics'. I don't want to say that they were Nazis, but they reminded me of the Nazis' reaction to Hitler. Whatever he said they were cheering and shouting almost as in ecstasy. And here - what the heck were these people proud of? Of that that they haven't allowed foreign rescue teams to help them try and save lives? Or maybe of that that the leader of their country is about to start a war which will probably cost the lives of many civilians, reaching the ultimate goal of the terrorists? I don't understand them.

       It makes me sick. Especially the hypocrisy. At the moment civilians fleeing from Afghanistan need the help much more than the US. What do you think, would their opinion of the US which they have been taught is their biggest enemy change if US would rally to help them, showing them that the Taliban is supressing them and the US are trying to help? And another point, risen by a journalist of a Slovak newspaper - Taliban has said it will extradite Bin Laden when the US have proofs that it was he who was behind the attacks. So why not demand his extradition based on previous attacks he confessed he had been the mastermind of (AFAIK), like the embassies bombings or the USS Cole attack?
       To finish, I want to say that I do not hate the US nor its people. I only dislike some of their official attitudes and opinions and the way they come across.

       Saturday. It's hailing outside. March 23^rd 2002, 4:10PM. It's again one of those Saturdays I want to do something useful on, until I find out it's Sunday already. There's nothing to do. Homework? I can only concentrate on homework under pressure, doing it at the last possible moment. If I was to do my homework one day earlier than necessary, I wouldn't make it. I just wouldn't be able to think, to concentrate enough. There just isn't the feeling of pressure. There is a voice which keeps saying, "You don't have to do it today.". And so it is always postponed till tomorrow. And I have nothing to do. I would play Counterstrike but it doesn't want to run on my machine (says, "Cannot create multicast IP port.". What am I doing wrong?). I tried playing Aliens vs. Predator 2, however it is too slow to play... and that even on the lowest details setting at 640*480*16... and that on an Athlon 750 with a Matrox Marvel G400 card. I know it's not a gamer's dream, but anyways, even Duke Nukem ran 10 times faster on my old K6 233. So I'm stuck without a usable game. Well, at least there's still the TV and the hope they're showing something at least moderately interesting. Oh well. I caught the end of an ep. of VIP and then Dawson's Creek. Aah... my Dawson's Creek. How much it has given to me, how many times it has helped, how often it showed me a possible way which I could follow, how many points of view I always could think about. How many situations from my own life have been presented there, not always with a direct solution, but everytime showing me another point of view which has allowed me to move on in my own life. It probably sounds pretty lame, to look for solutions of problems one has in his own life in a TV series, but it can help. I've seen Beverly Hills 90210, at least a short part till I couldn't take it anymore. It was unbearable. So unrealistic, so artificial, everything seemed so blown up, and the acting - so one-dimensional... oh well, I guess I can't express it better. Aaron Spelling. On the other hand, Dawson's Creek seems so much more believable. The actors are presenting their characters well and even though the characters have certain limits as to who they are at least they are not shallow, they evolve as the plot continues and grow with time. I admit, there are things which seem improbable and a bit far-fetched, but not too improbable. In Dawson's Creek itself there has been said that a work isn't good just because one can identify with it. Therefore I'm not saying that Dawson's Creek is a perfect series. I am only saying it's quite perfect for me and I believe it would be for others, too, if they would throw away their prejudices and try and take a look at it. Maybe they too would find some parallels, maybe they also would find some help. In any case, I would definitely like to thank the creators for their work, their ideas, the scripts and the music which perfectly emphasizes the atmosphere of a scene whenever needed. I agree with the belief of my former aesthetics teacher that emotions are best expressed by music. In my opinion it works the other way around, too, music can affect emotions very well. Therefore it's so important to choose the right music, which isn't good only in that it nicely expresses exactly what the characters are feeling at that moment but also in that it's recent, new, thanks to what one feels one more step closer to the characters, since they live in the same time, only at a different place. This gives such a perfect feel of authenticity... I can only congratulate and thank the creators of Dawson's Creek. I guess I should send them a mail. And I also thank the actors, who are expressing the roles of their respetive characters so well. Of course, they are not perfect, and sometimes it seems that each of them has one special expression, a type of "special move" which only he can perform and which is characteristic of him - Dawson, he has such a surprised and hurt expression, his mouth open and his eyes full of expectation, disappointment and presentiment of the coming sadness and pain, Joey - her smile, either the shy one, with her eyes shyly looking down, with either one corner of her mouth higher, forming a smile, or both, or the shining smile when she's relatively really happy, and last but not least the expression with her eyelids down a small bit, her eyes full of scorn... Pacey, that silent expression of clenched teeth, when he's both angry and crushed and when nobody should cross his way. Andy - when she doesn't understand how other's cannot understand something she rolls her eyes and stamps a little bit as if she was jumping around a little... Jack, with his expression of "life must go on somehow", and Jen, whose acting performance I value the most, who can act like an missunderstood girl so well... when she opens her mouth a little in this not understanding awe, not believingly shakes her head a bit and her eyes become wet, the sudden rush of desperation, sadness and contempt for people who can't get rid if their prejudices and can't believe that she really can change from that drinking and sleeping with everyone girl to a girl a bit more mature. Of course, Joey is prettier, ;-), but I think Jen can act better. OK, I guess that's enough about Dawson's Creek for today, which you probably already know what I think of. Just one more thing - I hate the fact that on Pro7, where they're airing it currently, (before it was on Sat.1) they started with the first season, the reran it and appended the second season, then reran both of them and appended the third season, and guess what they're doing now, before running the fourth one? Yep, rerunning the first three seasons, currently being at the third. That creates such a time difference - at the beginning I was the same age as the characters, now they're two years younger and they're airing the episodes from '99... May the fourth season come soon.
       OK. Everytime I start talking this passionately about Dawson's Creek it is usually because of a reason. And the reason is usually that I watched it ;-). I did not use to watch the reruns (even though I've seen the first season of X-Files about 5 times), however, there wasn't anything better on TV and it actaully came at the right moment, too. Again I am looking for a solution to a problem, an idea or another point of view on something, which would help me further, which would explain to me what happened. You might ask why I am looking for answers in a TV series when I can ask my friends or adults (I mean more adult than I am). The answer is simple. Friends don't know how to help and I don't know any adults to ask, except for my parents who I don't like to talk with about such things. So there is only Dawson's Creek, or at least its reruns, which helped many times in the past. And even if it doesn't help at least I can kill Saturday's time somehow ;-). So, what's new in my life, (if anyone cares).
       I don't even remember what's the newest news on my online page but here on my offline page it's a thought named What will she say 2, so I'll continue where I left off. Katey took up contact exactly after eight weeks of my zero diet. It wasn't easy for me to be a friend to her again but after a short time everything was as usual and of course, I fell in love with her again. And again I'm on a zero diet since December 9^th, so it will be 4 months soon. Congrats, that's a record. She said she didn't love me and never will. I am slowly beginning to believe it. Though I still don't understand how she can know that there will never be anything, that no feelings will ever arise. Anyways, it doesn't matter at the moment, currently she's history. The last thing I wanted to tell her I wrote down on New Year's Eve, I've been writing from 8:20PM to 2AM with a 20-minute break at midnight. The result was a four-page long confession, which I haven't given to her yet. I'm not sure if I ever give it to her and if she takes up contact again, even though she could do so before my birthday, since when we said goodbye I wished her a merry Christmas and a happy birthday (which is on New Year's Eve), to which she responded with "same to you", so I asked her if the diet should last till April (that's when my birthday is) and she said she only meant the merry Christmas part. At first I guessed she would resume contact somewhen in mid-January. Well, she probably won't. What for, anyways. She said that by seeing me she's giving me hope which she doesn't want to give me since there is no hope. So it's going to be interesting when she calls. I told her it's impossible for me not to love her. When we start seeing each other again I will fall in love with her again. So we shouldn't be seeing each other. So there is no sense in calling me. But I have the feeling she'll call me after some time anyways and I won't be able to resist and we'll start meeting again. I don't know if I am going to have the willpower to tell her that if she really doesn't want to give me hope we shouldn't be seeing each other. I don't know if I am able to do that. We'll see. We really got along together, we had so much fun... what a great feeling it is to see a girl one loves to put so much trust into one, the things she's telling one because she knows he won't let on, the things she's doing because she knows he won't look. One gets so close but no step further. I just can't understand this. When a guy gets along with a girl she gets closer to him and if they still get on well, sharing more profound thoughts the girl's getting even closer and if there's nothing important stopping the guy from getting in love with her, he will. (At least my type of guy.) However, a girl automatically sees a guy only as a pal, a friend who can't become more no matter how hard he's trying unless there's a certain "spark". I just don't get it. What kind of spark do girls need that we don't? When two people are getting along so well, what is preventing them from going further? But this is a story about another girl, Katey2. Katey2 is a girl sharing the same name with Katey, hence I'll rather call her Katey2. She's pretty new to the club, I began getting to know her after I started uni (September 2001) and I found out that we're on the same wavelength, share the same kind of humour and that she's pretty intelligent. Feelings evolved. Not as strong as to Katey, but anyways, the line has been crossed and I was rejected. And to go back (to friendship) is very difficult, like we once discussed with Katey2. It's just like going on a test drive with a Ferrari or a Porsche which can go up to 250 (kph) and it's just a great feeling, one is enchanted and would like to take the Porsche and never stop driving around. However, after the test drive the salesman tells him that he can keep the car for free as long as he drives only 40. But that defeats the whole purpose. What's the meaning of having such a perfect car if one can't enjoy the perfection it was made with, can't use it to the full extent of its abilities? It's the same with going back to friendship after something more has evolved. When some feelings evolve it's impossible to make them disappear, to undo them, because they appeared for a reason and the reason usually is that the girl is great enough to be worth them. That means that even if the feelings cool down they will reawaken when I start meeting the girl again because the reason for those feelings - the girl itself didn't change. She would have to change pretty dramatically or I would have to find out something real bad about her to give me reason not to feel the feelings. It's just impossible to go back to friendship with someone who I got to know well enough to like her as much as to fall in love with her. Girls just can't expect this from us. If there's nothing too irritating about a girl I will fall in love with her. But not a girl. A girl needs that undefinable something, that spark which she can't describe but which has to be there. Who cares that a guy is trying his utmost to win a girl's heart for half a year or nine months or three years, doing everything possible for the girl, helping her, trying to make her happy... the girl gets to know guy2 who she actually doesn't know anything about but he has this stupid spark, and suddenly boom - she's head over heels enchanted by this fantastic guy2 who is so perfect and she cannot stop thinking about him, even though he doesn't deserve a bit of her affection and hasn't done anything at all to deserve it, and to top it she has to keep talking about him to the guy who loves her and would do everything for her. But why wouldn't the girl tell him - they're friends, right? God, girls, why? Why can't you choose a guy who sincerely loves you but instead are looking for a guy you don't know at all? And what do you need that spark for? What for?!? I don't understand it. What's the biological or evolutional advantage? Do you really have to choose a random partner with a spark rather than someone who already loves you? Why?!? What's the point?!? Sigh. It probably isn't your fault, but anyways. Recently I heard about four very similar cases (mine not included) - guy and girl get along very well, guy falls in love, girl does not. Why? What is stopping you from getting closer? Why do girls stop at friendship and need a good reason to go further as opposed to guys who need a good reason to stop at friendship? It's all somehow misarranged. Maybe it's going to make sense to me one day. Someone please explain. (Apart from explanations of the type, "This is the way it is.".) Well, what can I do. So I lost Katey when she broke contact on December 9^th and I also lost Katey2 who was so nice that feelings evolved from my side, unfortunately they weren't mutual and so I had the choice of either limited contact or no contact. Well, I guess it's better not to drive the Ferrari at all rather than sit in the cockpit, feel the power of the engine but be unable to make use of it. In the end it was her decision anyways, and there is practically no contact at all anymore. Maybe once every two weeks when me and my brutal and cruel anarchistic and skinhead friends go out and have a cup of tea. But talking about the difficulties of college exams doesn't quite match the talks we used to have before. It's a pity. However, I'd like to know two more things: 1. How can a girl ask a guy why he has fallen in love with her if he knew she wasn't single? Does she really think the feelings of guy depend on if the girl is single or has a boyfriend and not on her character? How can a girl think such nonsense?!? I hope it's not the case with all girls. And 2., why do girls ask if we're angry with them when they do something bad? How could we possibly be actually mad at them? I am not sure if I am a special case but I don't remember ever being mad with a girl. I can be disappointed, crushed, sad, maybe irritated or disgusted but angry...? No. I just can't be angry with a girl.
       So, now I am without contact with any girl at all. Unbelievable how I changed. There used to be times when it was enough for me to watch TV or work on the computer for the whole afternoon. And then, I don't exactly know if it was caused by the talks about girls with one of my friends or if it was because of Katey, but I became such a zoon politikon, I got so much used to be going out and meeting friends that now it's almost impossible to be alone for a day or two, without any contact with a friend. One would like to be with someone all the time, talk with him, spend time with him. Preferably if it was a girl one gets along well with. But there is no girl like that for me anymore. So I have to look for another female to mate with (that's my materialistically-biological term for a girl who I could imagine a longer relationship with). I already got to know two of the kind, Katey and Katey2 but I was rejected. At least now I know there is life after Katey. I just need to find it. So if there is a girl who would like to get to know a guy who is open, honest, faithful and nice (I actually mean myself by that) please contact me. :-) Take care you all.