Short Plays 'N' Simple Skits

Kiss the Brown Bunny - puppets & actors short play
Taliban Pizza phone skit + Osama Bin Laden's Memo to Cavemates
Skits & Other Plays at A-Z Scripts & Puppets for Home Schoolers
Skits for Scouts, by R. Gary Hendra
CONTACT Jeannette Jaquish for script suggestions.
TheaterFunScripts Home Page

FOR LONGER SCRIPTS, CHECK OUT:

Easy Plays for Little Kids age 6 to 8
Includes:
-Hansel & Gretel and the Creepy Woods
-The Way I Remember It!
-Little Orphan Annie
-Snafu in Santa's Workshop
Plays might require a few older actors, and can use a few younger actors.


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Or to the SCRIPTS HOMEPAGE:
www. TheaterFunScripts.com - All Types, All Ages -- All Great!
<--Harry Potter and the Obnoxious Voice ~ The sssPOOF! -->
-The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
-The Frog Prince and the Princess Brat, including a Jr. version
-Slipperzzzz! The Torrid Tale of Cobb and the 12 Dancing Princesses
-Alice in Wonderland
-Who Framed Lucky the Leprechaun?
-Don't Look in the Lake! . . . . . . . . and Dozens More plus Links!

And now, SCROLL DOWN for THE SIMPLE SKITS!

Besides these camp-style skits,
many COMICS make good short skits.
Check out: Calvin & Hobbes (sold in book collections now) and Dilbert, Cul de Sac, and Zits for skits using ordinary clothing, locations and props. Other comics in the newspaper make good short skits, also.

Make a Laugh-In Joke Wall
Ask someone born before 1959 what Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In was. Slit a refrigerator box down one corner so you can open it up and make a \__.__/ shaped wall. Duct tape it to the floor so it doesn't tip.
Cut windows with flaps so they can open and close setting the height and location carefully planning where each actor will sit, kneel or stand to look out the opening and not be standing on someone else. Paint wild hippie decorations on the wall. The actors pop their heads through the windows to ask riddles, knock-knock jokes, or short jokes. At the punchline, other heads pop through to laugh or groan. Tape the scripts inside next to each window.

IMPROV GAME: The Door to Door Salesman:

To START: You need 3 actor/players and the Host-who-runs-the-show, and a line of actors waiting to play.
Players start off being: The Salesman, The Object for Sale, and the Homeowner.
The Host first gets a suggestion of an object for sale from the audience. The Object for Sale actor acts like the object.
The Door to Door Salesman enters with the Object for Sale, knocks and offers the item: the Homeowner gives a criticism and the salesman demonstrates or explains why that is a GOOD thing.
After three criticisms and assurances, the homeowner gets so excited he/she offers to trade their house for the object. They shake hands to seal the deal and the Homeowner and the Object Exit as the audience applauds.
The Salesman stays onstage and becomes the new Homeowner, the Object actor becomes the new Salesman, and the next actor in line becomes the new audience-suggested Object to Sell. Salesman and Object Enter and start it over again.

Jack Be Nimble

[Reader, Jack, fake lit candle]
(Reader enters, sets candle on floor, stands to side.)
Reader: Jack be nimble
(Jack, prances on, stretches and flexes, showing off)

Reader: Jack be quick,
(Jack does quick jump/turns and karate moves)

Reader: Jack jumped overÖ.
(Jack backs up and gets ready to race)

Reader: the candlestick!
(Jack jumps over the candlestick and holds arms up in triumph, strutting)

Reader: (claps politely) Jack took a bow,
(Jack bows)

Reader: Smiled and sat down,
(Jack sits on candle, leaps up immediately)

Reader: Then leaped up howling,
(Jack howls and runs around in circles patting rear end)

Reader: And ran all over town. The End.
(Jack exits. Reader bows, picks up candle and exits.)

(Jack runs back on still patting rear end saying, ďOw ow ow,Ē bows and exits.)


Little Miss Muffet #1

[Reader, Miss Muffet, Spider operator,
(fishing pole with line and weight but no hook, unbreakable bowl with Styrofoam peanuts or paper mache or some kind of silicon sealer or wood filler glued inside, spoon with same stuff inside, small chair or stool, with a throw pillow on it, or just a throw pillow = tuffet)]

(Reader enters, sets tuffet in center and stands to side. Miss Muffet enters carrying bowl and spooon.)
Reader: Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet.
Muffet: Watch your language!
Reader: (pointing to tuffet) That(pause) is a tuffet.
Muffet: Oh.
Reader: Sit, please.
(Miss Muffet plops down.)
Reader: Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Muffet: (tasting curds and whey): Yuck.
Reader: Along came a spider.
(Spider drops in on fishing line, landing near her.)
And sat down beside her.
(Muffet screams and turns bowl over on top of spider. Runs away.)
Reader: And frightened Miss Muffet away.
(Spider bounces under bowl then pops out.)
Spider: Yuck! That stuff is awful! (Exits)
(All return, bow, pick up props and exit.)

Little Miss Muffet #2

(Little Miss Muffet acts out what Reader says.)
Reader: Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey,
Muffet: (tasting) Hmmm. Iím starting to like this.
stuff. (gobbles)
Along came a spider
(Spider descends to hang near her face).
And sat down beside her
(Miss Muffet grabs spider and eats it.) Reader: (stares amazed, open mouth) And she ate him too.
Muffet: (chewing spider) Not bad. But curds and whey are better.
(Spits out spider and throws it over her shoulder. All bow and carry away props.)


DINO JOKES

jokes compiled by Jeannette Jaquish

--- Easier using puppets

REX: Hey, Tyrone!

TYRONE: Hey, Rex!

REX: Hey Tyrone! What do you call fossils that wonít come out of the ground?

TYRONE: Lazy bones!
Hey Rex! I heard an amazing story about you. A volcano erupted under you sending you rolling down the mountain and you crashed into big tree which then fell on you.

REX: Oh, yes! That tumble down the mountain really made this dino-sore!
Hey Tyrone! Look at us. Why are we big and green and covered with scales?

TYRONE: Because if we were small, white and fluffy, no one would be afraid of us!

REX: Hey, Tyrone, I saw you crossing the road. Why did you do that?

TYRONE: Someone had to do it. You know the chicken hasnít evolved yet!
Say, Rex. You look frazzled. Whatís up?

REX: Oh, too much! All 27 of our eggs hatched at once and all the babies were crying and hungry and ripping up the furniture and biting my tail. Iíve spend all day changing diapers, killing prey and pulling the babies out of the tar pits.

TYRONE: Wow! You must be worn out!

REX: You bet! Iím a nervous Rex!

TYRONE: Thatís too bad, but Iím in a bad way myself. You know how much I love charging around the jungle, right?

REX: I sure do! I hear you charging around all day. And then you stopped. Why?

TYRONE: They took away my credit card! Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

REX: Goodbye Tyrone!

TYRONE: Goodbye Rex!

Disney's T-Rex from Toy Story
is a puppet available on Ebay!

DINO JOKES 2

jokes compiled by Jeannette Jaquish
TYRONE Hey, Rex. Glad to see a familiar face. All my old pals moving out, and these new dinosaurs moving in. Really changes the neighborhood.

REX Yeah, Tyrone. I saw that new feathered Archaeopteryx guy. Boy is he a weirdo. Do you know he catches worms? Why would an Archaeopteryx catch worms?

TYRONE Because he's an early bird! Hey! Did you hear about the disaster at the new car lot grand opening?

REX Do you mean that new place? Triceratops Cars with Tricera-bottom prices? What happened?

TYRONE They invited all the dinosaurs to test drive a new car.

REX Oh, no! Was it really bad?

TYRONE Yes! Tyrannosaurus Wrecks everywhere!

REX You think they'd know better.

TYRONE Hey, have you seen my old pal, Proto-saurus?

REX Isn't he extinct?

TYRONE Not anymore. We all chipped in to buy him a bar of soap.

REX A big one, I hope. Yawn. Oh, I'm so tired. I can't get any sleep since my new neighbor moved in.

TYRONE Why? Is he noisy?

REX He sure is. All night long. The rumbling and the snorting. Ohhh!

TYRONE Well, what do you expect from a Stego-SNORUS?

REX Oh, you're right. All these new changes. I'll just have to adapt.

TYRONE Adapt! That's loser talk! We're dinosaurs! T-Rexes! We don't adapt!

REX You're right. The world can change to suit us!

TYRONE Right on, brother! See you later, Rex!

REX Not if I see you first! Good bye, Tyrone!

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Skits for Scouts is presented by R. Gary Hendra -- The MacScouter -- CM Pack 92 & CC Troop 92, Milpitas, California

From the Girl Scout Links site (click above to get more skits)
The Ugliest Man in the World

From: Marguerite Gibson
Cast:The Ugliest Man in the World, bystanders, carnival barker
Carnival barker calls for people to step right up and see the Ugliest Man in the World. The barker warns that anyone who looks in the face of the Ugliest Man in the World will die. The Ugliest Man has head down and his head covered. One by one bystanders come up and pay to see the Ugliest Man. Each dares to look into his face. Each falls dead. The carnival barker asks an unsuspecting dupe from the audience to come up and have a look. When this dupe looks into the face of the Ugliest Man in the World, the Ugliest Man shrieks and falls over dead.


The Frogs Go Whee!
From: Marguerite Gibson
Cast: Little frogs, a frog leader.

A frog leader is directing a frog chorus. They can be singing any song you all know -- just sing it in "ribbits." One by one the little frogs come up and tug on the frog leader saying, "I wanna go WEE! I wanna go WEE!"
The frog leader whispers, "Not NOW!" and sends each back to its place in the chorus. Repeat this until each little frog has asked to go "wee" and the leader is at wits' end trying to hold the chorus together.
At last the leader gives up. "ALL RIGHT. You can all go wee now!" As the leader turns away, the little frogs all jump into the air together and yell "WHEEEEEE!"


The Invisible Bench
From: Sue Moore

#1 is "sitting" on a bench (which really isn't there).
#2 walks up - "What are you doing?"
#1 - "Sitting on an invisible bench."
#2 - "Can I join you?
#1 - "Sure"
#2 "sits" next to #1.
#'s 3 &4 walk up - "what are you doing?"
#'s 1&2 - "Sitting on an invisible bench."
#'s 3 &4 - "Can we join you?"
#'s 1&2 - "Sure" (and so on till only one person is left)
Last Person - "Hi! What are you guys doing?"
Everyone else - "Sitting on the invisble bench."
Last Person - "Didn't I tell you? I moved the bench over there." (points in other direction)
Everyone sitting on bench says "Oh no!" and falls.

--*Variation: The bench fills up. The Last Person arrives and sits on the end, then says:
LAST PERSON - Hey did you get one of the free donuts in the mess hall?
Everyone else jumps up and runs off yelling "Donuts!" causing the the invisible bench to tip up and the Last Person falls on his/her back.


The King's Royal Papers
From: Marguerite Gibson

Cast: King, courtiers, queen, herald, court jester, etc.
The king is on this throne. He beckons to a herald and whispers something.
The herald announces, "The king demands his royal papers!"
A courtier runs in with a sheaf of papers.
The king tosses them aside.
The herald makes the announcement again.
The queen runs in with newspapers.
The king tosses these aside too.
Another announcement is made.
The king is getting more and more agitated.
The herald announces with desperation.
People run in with magazines, letters, books, etc.
None of this seems to be what the king means by "royal papers."
The court jester (or the prince) comes in and presents the king with . . . a roll of toilet paper.
The king grabs his sword, knights the jester, and runs off.


The Wide-Mouthed Frog
From: Marguerite Gibson
Case: Wide-Mouth Frog, a Giant Bullfrog, wasp, and other creatures.


The Wide-Mouthed Frog hops on stage grinning broadly.
The frog must keep its mouth in this wide grin until the end of the skit.
A wasp encounters the Wide-Mouthed Frog.
The frog says: "Hello, who are you?"
The wasp replies: "I'm a little wasp."
Frog: "Well, I'm a WIDE-MOUTHED FROG! I eat little wasps."
Wasp: "Then good-bye, Wide-Mouthed Frog."
The wasp leaves hurriedly.
One by one other creatures come on-stage and carry on the same conversation.
You can use dragonflies, grasshoppers, any insect or small creature that is easy to mime.
Finally, a giant bullfrog hops intimidatingly on stage.
The Wide-Mouth Frog spies him and says "Hello. Who are you?"
Bullfrog: "I'm the Giant Bullfrog. Who are YOU?"
Frog: "I'm the WIDE-MOUTHED FROG, I . . ."
The bullfrog interrupts. "Wonderful! I EAT wide-mouthed frogs for LUNCH!"
The Wide-Mouthed Frog suddenly purses lips into a very tiny circle and says "Ooo . .!"
He turns and hops off stage muttering to the audience with tiny pursed lips, "He eats wide-mouthed frogs for lunch . . . .Ooo . .!"


Is it time yet?
From: Marguerite Gibson
Cast: Person with a watch, Any number of people


Line of Scouts standing with left foot crossed over right, right arm crossed over left.

First Scout asks the scout on the left in line: "Is it time yet?"

Second scout asks the scout on the left "Is it time yet?", continues until the last scout has been asked.

Last Scout, looks at watch, replies "NO" and this is passed back up the line one scout at a time.

After a lonnnnnnng silent pause, the First Scout asks the scout on the left in line "Is it time yet?"

Second scout asks the scout on the left "Is it time yet?", continues until the last scout has been asked.

Last Scout, looks at watch, replies "NO" and this is passed back up the line one scout at a time.

Another lonnnnnng silent pause, First Scout asks the scout on the left in line: "Is it time yet?"

Second scout asks the scout on the left "Is it time yet?", continues until the last scout has been asked.

Last Scout, looks at watch, replies "NO" and this is passed back up the line one scout at a time.

After another silent pause, First Scout asks the scout on the left in line: "Is it time yet?"

Second scout asks the scout on the left "Is it time yet?", continues until the last scout has been asked.

Last Scout, looks at watch, replies "YES" and this is passed back up the line one scout at a time.

Just after the first Scout gets the word, they all change to right foot over left and left arm over right.

(Can also be done with a row of Scouts sitting with legs crossed in the same direction, on YES they cross their legs in the other direction.)


Taking the Penguins for a Ride
From: Marguerite Gibson
Case: "Penguin Keeper", penguins, police officer

A man with a busload of penguins chugs across the stage.
A police officer stops the driver and asks, "Where are you taking these penguins?"
The driver replies, "I'm taking them to the beach."
The officer advises him to take them to the zoo instead.
The driver obliges, changes direction, and chugs off with the penguins.
The driver chugs back on stage with his busload of penguins.
The police officer stops him again: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!"
The driver replies, "I did. They had a great time. Now I'm taking them to the movies."


Walk-ons

The style of a walk-on is simple. A walk-on should in general be pre-arranged with the person who is supposed to be up there talking. If it is not pre-arranged it can be more of a practical joke. While the leader is talking, a Scout walks on stage doing or saying something. The leader responds accordingly, usually in an exasperated way, and the scout then says the groaner punch line.

Scout: "The squirrels are after me! The squirrels are after me!!"
Leader:"Why on earth would squirrels be after you?"
Scout:"They think I'm nuts!"

Scout: Walks on stage tossing a ball up in the air a foot or two and catching it.
Leader: "What are you doing?"
Scout: "Throwing up!"

Scout: Walks on stage, looks around slowly and says, "Scotty! The aliens are very unfriendly!! Quick!! Beam me aboard!!"
Another scout in the audience: THUNK (the sound of a 2x4 landing on stage)

Scout: Runs up to the leader on stage, starts grabbing at his own clothes, as though he has bugs on him, and says, "They're on me, they're on me!"
Leader: "What's on you."
Scout: "My Clothes!" and walks off stage.

A bus load of artificial hair has just overturned on the motorway. The police are combing the countryside.

A hundred dollar bill has just been found on the campsite. Will the owner, please form an orderly lineoutside the mess tent to claim it.

Yesterday a chicken swallowed a yo-yo. It laid the same egg seventy five times.

Smoke Signals

1st scout "Hey George, look over there, smoke signals"
2nd scout "Oh yes Mike, what do they say?"
1st scout, pretending to look away through binoculars, says very slowly, "Help... My... Blankets... On... Fire.


Little Brother
Scout 1: Whatcha doing ?
Scout 2: Writing a letter to my little brother.
Scout 1: Why are you writing so slowly?
Scout 1: Because my little brother can't read very fast!


Wait! Wait!
Shopper: Have you any four-volt two-watt bulbs?
Clerk : For what?
Shopper: No, four-volt, two-watt.
Clerk : Two what?
Shopper: yes!
Clerk : No.


Bee Sting
1st scout: "OOOOOUCH , OOOOOH , OOOUCH."
2nd scout: "What's the matter with you?"
1st scout: "A bee's stung my thumb."
2nd scout: "Try putting some cream on it then."
1st scout: "But the bee will be miles away by this time."


The Operation
By setting up a white sheet and using a light behind it, a hospital operation can be silhouetted onto the sheet, which is set up like a screen. Ham it up with humorous dialogue, occasionally throwing a peeled tomato or spurt of ketchup out to the audience. A good creative imagination would be an asset here.


The Dead Body
Scene: One person lying on the ground, dead. Another sees him and runs for the telephone and, panicking, gasps: "Police, there's a dead person here... Where ? .... Un, (looking for a sign), "I'm at Montgomery and Westchester... Spell it ?... Uh, M-o-t-n... Uh, M-o-t-g,," (confused), "Just a minute, I'll drag him over to King and Elm !"


Good Soup
Props: a large pot, several spoons, and a floor mop. A chef's hat would also be useful.
(Several boys are seated around a large pot, sampling the imaginary contents with the spoons.)

Scott: Boy, this is sure good soup.
Brad : Yep, it's got REAL flavor.
David: Sure is, why it's even better than my Mom makes.
Matthew: Oh yeah. It's the best food I've eaten at camp all week.
Cook: (Enters waving floor mop and shouting) Hey you guys ! Get out of my mop water!!!


Fly in the Soup
Customer: Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my soup !
Waiter: (Enters, very snooty, peering into the soup) Oh, yes, you are right sir. That will be an extra 25 cents for the meat.
Customer: But waiter, he's swimming all over the top !
Waiter: (Still snooty) You are right, sir. It doesn't know it's a fly, sir. It's doing the Butterfly stroke.
Customer: Well, I think it must be an Australian !
Waiter : Why do you say that sir ?
Customer: BECAUSE IT'S DOWN UNDER NOW !


SEAT BELT PRIZE

(4 people in car, 2 in the front, one asleep in the back, one curled up in the trunk. Cop comes up behind with siren. They pull over. Cop walks to driversí window.)

DRIVER: What seems to be the problem, officer?

COP: No problem! I just wanted to tell you that you are the one hundredth person Iíve seen wearing a seat belt today, which means you have won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition!

DRIVER: Thatís great! What a surprise!

COP: So, buddy, what are you going to do with your winnings?

DRIVER: Well, first Iíll get my drivers license and then Iíll pay off all those warrants.

RIDER: Ah, donít believe him! He always talks big when heís drunk!

SLEEPER (waking up): Whoa! A cop. Darn it all! I knew we wouldnít get far in a stolen car.

GUY IN TRUNK: Hey! Amigos! Have we crossed the border yet?




KETCHUP

BOY: Mommy I canít get the ketchup to come out of the bottle.

MOM: Let me try. You have to hit the side like this.

PHONE RINGS.

BOY: Iíll get it.

MOM: Thank you darling. Tell them Iíll be right there.

BOY: HelloÖ.. Mommy, itís the minister!Ö. My mommy canít come to the phone right now. Sheís hitting the bottle.



SHORT PLAYS

Before Eve met Adam

Author of original joke, unknown

(Adam enters, forlorn.)

Voice of GOD: Adam, my creation, my son, why are you so sad?

ADAM: Oh, God. Meaning no disrespect. Youíve given me this great garden with all the fruit I can eat, great weather, nice pets, but I have this strange empty feeling.
I feel like talking to someone who doesnít already know what Iím going to say.

GOD: Oh, dearÖ. I knew you were going to say thatÖ. Adam, I am going to make another creation for you, a human like yourself, but different in very important ways. You can call her Woman.

ADAM: Woman.

GOD: This woman will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children & never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will never nag you & will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache or be in a bad mood. She will freely give you love and affection whenever you need it.

ADAM: Sounds great! But, what will this woman cost?

GOD: Oh, a creature as fine and useful as a woman wonít come cheap. She will cost you an arm and a leg.

ADAM: (thinks about it) What can I get for a rib?



Breakfast Attack

by Jeannette Jaquish

Note: This skit leaves cereal all over the floor so do it last.
ACTORS: Eater, Detective, Attacker

(Eater Enters with bowl, empty milk jug, box of Cheerios (or non-sugared cereal or styrofoam or wood bits to not make a mess). Pours cereal, pretends to pour milk, sits.)

EATER: Oh! Dum-dum! I forgot my spoon. (EXITS)

(ATTACKER ENTERS. Beats bowl and breakfast things. EXITS.
EATER RETURNS with spoon.)


EATER: Shriek! Oh my goodness! (Dials phone.) Hello , police? My breakfast has been attacked! Yes, just now. Please hurry over. Iím frightened.
DETECTIVE (ENTERING): Sorry for the delay. Did you touch anything?
EATER: No no. It is just as I found it.
DETECTIVE: Good. Give me some time to investigate. (Will examine everything with magnifying glass, measure, sprinkle and lift up finger prints with tape, write things in notebook.)
EATER: Are you finding any clues?
DETECTIVE: Canít say yet.
EATER: I was just in the other room. I heard noise and came in, but the attacker was already gone.
DETECTIVE: Uh-huh.
EATER: So I canít give you a description.
DETECTIVE: Too bad.
EATER: Do you see a pattern?
DETECTIVE: Canít say yet.
EATER: I had forgotten the spoon. Do you think he.. or she.. might come back for it?
DETECTIVE: Canít say.
EATER: I canít tell if any cereal is missing. Some might be. But maybe not.
DETECTIVE: Please. Donít disturb me. I must concentrate.
EATER: Sorry.
DETECTIVE: (finishing up) HmmmmÖ Yes.
EATER: Yes what?
DETECTIVE: All the clues point to it.
EATER: What???
DETECTIVE: The splatter pattern. The prolonged beating long after the bowl was spilled. I canít see any other explanation. Iíll have to post a bulletin.
EATER: About what???
DETECTIVE: Donít panic. But you need to know the truth. Your breakfast has been the victim ofÖ
EATER: Of????
DETECTIVE: A cereal killer.
EATER: SCREAM! (EXITS.)
DETECTIVE: (sigh) And even if we catch the guy, there will be the copycats. (EXITS)


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FLIGHT OF THE VULTURES

Author of original joke unknown. Scripted by Jeannette Jaquish © 2003 Offered free for performing.

Actors: minimum = 9
Pilot, Flight Attendant, Vulture 1, Vulture 2, Passenger 1, 2, optional Child, 3, 4, 5. More passengers to follow if possible.

Stage setup: <
Start: Actors enter stage in formation, set down 8 chairs -- 2 in each row, left to right across stage, like on an airplane, with pilotís chair a little ahead. Or skip the chairs and passengers can pantomime sitting down when they get to their ďseatsĒ. Passengers and vultures then walk to behind audience, pilot and flight attendant stay onstage.
Actors enter through audience in this order: Passenger 1, 2 & child, 3, Vulture 1, 2, Passenger 4, 5...
When they go to sit, Passenger 1 sits in first row, Pass 2& child in 2nd row, Passenger 3 in third row. When Vultures leave, Passengers 4 & 5 sit in 4th row, then when Vultures board plane, one sits next to Passenger 1 who jumps up and goes to sit next to Pass 3, Vulture 2 sits next to Vulture 1.
Respect the imaginary wall and door of the airplane; the door is next to the Flight Attendant.
NOTE: Pronounce ďcarrionĒ as carry-un with no accent. Carrion means rotting dead animal. This is a pun and the whole gag depends on carrion being pronounced right.
Two vultures have beaks out of cone shaped drink cups or folded paper plates, socks pulled up to their knees with clothespins attached for claws, and wings or paper feathers stapled to their long sleeved shirts and a white fringed chest and collar. They carry stuffed animals (preferably old ratty ones, with stuffing hanging out and maybe dabbed with red paint) in their mouths. Flight crew have wing shaped emblems on their chests, identical vests or jackets. Passengers pantomime or really carry backpacks and suitcases.)

Flight Attendant: Welcome to Belt-up Airlines.

Passenger 1: Can I get a seat by the window?

Flight Attendant: Yes, there are still a few available. (to next passenger) Welcome to Belt-up Airlines.

Passenger 2: When will lunch be served? Child: Yeah, I'm hungry!

Flight Attendant: 30 minutes after take offÖ. Welcome to Belt-up Airlines.

Passenger 3: I donít care what my boarding pass says, I want to sit far away from those two vultures!

(Vultures reach door of airplane)

Flight Attendant: Vultures???? (Sees vultures. Gags at bad smell but tries to smile)

(Everyone holds nose and waves bad smell)

Flight Attendant: Welcome, (gasp) to Bolt-up, I mean, Belt-up Airlines.

Other Passengers: (yelling things like) Donít let them on! Throw them off! They stink!

Flight Attendant: Iím sorry, sir, madam, but I canít let you board this airplane.

Vulture 1: (holding dead animals in wings) Why??? Because weíre vultures? Animals have rights too! We paid for our tickets!

Passenger 5: Tickets Schmickets!
Passenger 4: Throw them off! They smell!

Vulture 2: (to passengers) Do you think we like your smell??
Vulture 1: (stepping to Passenger 4) Speaking of smell, that ladyís lavender almost made me lose my lunch! (pretends to start vomiting)

Passenger 4: Eeeek! (jumps back.)
Passenger 5: (stepping in between vultures and Passenger 4) Leave her alone, you filthy flying vermin!

Vulture 2: (angry, stepping between Vulture 1 and Passenter 5) This is emotional abuse! (sarcastic) Whereís PETA (pee-ta) when you need them?

Passengers: (all holler different things) : Shut up! We donít stink Ė you do! Get off! etc.

Flight Attendant: Please! Please! Settle down! No thatís not the reason.

Vulture 1: Well what is the reason? Because we have to bring our own food?
Vulture 2: Because your airline wonít respect our dietary needs?

Passengers: Theyíre disgusting! Throw them off!

Vulture 1: (waving the dead animals at them) You sissy omnivores!
Vulture 2: Take a look at REAL meat! Wanna bite?

(Passengers scream until Captain arrives.)

Flight Attendant: Captain!! Please! I need your assistance.

Vulture 1 (sassy): They canít bite it. Their canines are too dull.
Vulture 2: I wouldnít waste good food on them anyway.

Captain (arriving, angry): What is the problem?

Flight Attendant: Captain, please explain to these two vultures why they cannot come on board.

Captain (opening rule book): Here it is. Rule D-94 paragraph 3: Only one carrion allowed per passenger.

Vultures: Awwww! (turn and walk down stairs)

Passengers: Yay!!!

Vulture 1: (reaching edge of stage) Wait a minute. We were going to eat them anyway!
(They gobble down one animal each, by turning backs to audience and stuffing inside shirts. Great slurping, smacking and burping. Passengers watch disgusted. Both then run back to Flight Attendant.)

Vulture 2: Only one carrion each! Let us on!

(Go to chairs. Passengers gag and complain.)

Captain: Oh, curse that rule book! Letís get this trip over quickly! (Runs to pilot chair)

Flight Attendant: Iíll open all the windows!

Passenger 4 (to Passenger 5): I told you we could have brought that moose we hit with the car.

(Passenger 5 groans and rolls eyes as the rest of passengers run to their seats.)

Pilot: Skip the checklist! Mach 4! Blast-off!
(Everyone runs off stage staying in order.)


THE RESTAURANT

(Two people, 1 & 2 enter, led by Waiter and sit at table.)
Waiter: Your menus.
1 & 2: Thank you.
1: We will both have the soup special.
Waiter: Right away, sir. (Exits. Returns with two bowls.)
2: Excuse me, you've got your thumb in my bowl of soup!
Waiter: (wiping thumb on customer's napkin) Thank you for your concern, madam, but it's not hot.
1: Wait! There's a fly in this soup!
Waiter: Is that a problem? You asked for noodle, not vegetarian soup.
2: And look! There's 4 more flies!
Waiter: Thank you for pointing that out. I'll have to charge you for noodles with meat soup.
1: Come back here! What are these flies doing in my soup??
Waiter: The backstroke, it appears to me.
2: No, no, that one is definitely doing the butterfly stroke.
Waiter: (erasing and writing on the check)Exotic meat and noodle soup... that's an extra $2.50. (Exits)
1: I'm not paying for a bowl full of flies! Where did that waiter go?

(Other waiter brings in big pot and sets on nearby empty table. EXITS)
1: I can't eat this disgusting bowl of flies and I'm so hungry. sniff sniff What's that good smell?
2: It's that pot of stew over here.
They get up and look inside pot.
1: Ummm, look how thick and rich it is.
2: And those savory chunks and rich broth.
1: Who is it for?
2: Let's scoop out some before the waiter comes back.
(They use their bowls to scoop out some and sit down to eat.)
1: Yum! Isn't this delicious! Is that barley?
2: I don't know but the spices are wonderful. Are the stringy things fettuccini?
1: Could be. These tiny mushrooms are tasty. I was never going to come back to this restaurant but now I will just to order this great soup.
2: Me too. I wonder what it's called.
(Other waiter returns carrying mop. Looks in pot.)
Other Waiter: Hey, who spilled my mop water??
(Customers run off gagging. Other waiter shrugs, scrapes their plates into mop bucket and hollers:)
Other Waiter: Eddie! Your customers left without paying! Darn! Now I have to add more water. I'll just scoop some out of the toilet. It's stopped up anyway.(Exits)
Waiter: (Entering, looking and leaving) Oh, some people have no class!


THE END

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Full Length Scripts - All Types for All Ages!

How to Contact the Author
........ or directly to your email:
Jeannette Jaquish, playwright

Hi! I am Jeannette Jaquish [ formerly from Yuma and Tucson, Arizona, now in Fort Wayne, Indiana ]. I write witty scripts with great lines for every actor. I have directed them all. Lots are free and you can print them off this website.

HOW THIS WEBSITE WORKS:
1. Scroll down the script list. Click on "Excerpts". Contact the author if you have questions.
2. Click on "Order Me", follow the instructions, choose "Mail a check" or "PayPal" to pay.
3. PayPal will ask your credit card info and process your order.
4. Within 8 hours or the next morning by 9am EST I will email you your script. Telephone me to get it sooner.

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ALL THE SCRIPTS
or Click Here to see Categories of Scripts!)

NEW MUSICAL!
~ Slipperzzzz! ~ The Torrid Tale of Cobb and the Twelve Dancing Princesses
<--Click for Excerpts!

by Jeannette Jaquish

Girls and boys will love this action-packed fighting-dancing musical comedy romance (with no kissing)!
--Great for a Theater Dance School!

<--image by Morena Forza at www.morenaforza.com

COST: 1st performance: $30;
-- additional performances: $15 each;
or 1 year: $90.
MUSIC CD: $20
TECH: Medium-simple. Simple furniture, lighting, props, sets and set changes. Tech notes & drawings.
LENGTH: About 70 minutes.
CAST: 22 to 32 actor-dancer-singers, with lots of fun character parts besides the princesses.

EXCERPT:
OLD SHOEMAKER - Itís impossible! Beyond the bounds of reason! The idea that one cobbler can make 12 new pairs of shoes a day is preposterous!!! And mathematically unsound!
12 girls times 2 feets equals 24 shoes! 24 shoes times 7 days is ....um... 168 new shoes a week!

GRAND VIZIER - Silence! Arggh!! You know how I abhor mathematics! Itís all sciencey! Itís like a dagger exploding in my skull!
Soon I will have the King decree that all who talk of math and science will have their thumbs boiled off by four horses!
Now, get back to work! The Princesses need MORE SHOES!

OLD SHOEMAKER - Then send them to the blacksmith for iron shoes, because I QUIT! (EXITS)

GRAND VIZIER - Actually, that is not a bad idea... See Excerpts of Script! ~ * ~ Click to ORDER A SCRIPT!


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NEW MUSICAL!
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
"And I won't be dumb and dumber, After writing every number, If I only had a brain!"

A new play from the classic original story by L. Frank Baum
a delightful new musical adapted for stage by Jeannette Jaquish
<-- Click for Excerpts, Tech, Photos, Music & Info!
COST: 1st performance: $30; Additional: $15 each; up to $90 for a year.
3-CD Music Set (Act 1, Act 2, Rehearsal): $33

CAST: 20 to 32+
TECH: Medium-Difficult
LENGTH: 2 hours 10 minutes. Shorter version available & shorter songs.
Author's Note: This play is a $$Money-Maker. Of all my scripts, this one brings in the largest audience. But it is a lot of work.

EXCERPT (At end of "Monkey Brats" song, all pose.)
MONKEY # 4 (entering) - Wicked Witch! Wicked Witch! I have news!
WITCH - (running to it) What is it ?
MONKEY # 4 (sassy) - Three guesses!
WITCH - Three guesses how I'll cook your carcass if you don't tell me!
MONKEY #4 - Eeek! Dorothy and her friends are climbing the mountain! WITCH - What!? They are coming here!
MONKEY #4 - Yes! Yes! Yes! Do I get a cookie?
OTHER MONKEYS - gasp in shock at this dangerous request
WITCH - (with insane calm exhilaration) Yessss. You do get a cookie. (Gives cookie)
MONKEY # 4 - Eee eee eee ee ! (gobbles it)
OTHER MONKEYS (leaping about) - I wanna cookie! ~ * ~ Click for More Excerpts. ~ * ~ Click to ORDER A SCRIPT!


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Harry Potter and the Obnoxious Voice - The ssssPOOF!
--- "Dobby will pour red ants in his ears for punishment!"
<--Click for EXCERPTS, PHOTOS and TECH!

a mystery spoof theater script by J.R. Jaquish
based on the Harry Potter book series by J.K. Rowling and the movies based on her books.


COST: 1st performance: $30; additional: $10 each; or 1 year: $70.
MUSIC CD: $23 - Great licensed music -- NOT the movie soundtrack
TECH: Medium-simple. Ordinary furniture, simple lighting, props, costumes, sets. Tech notes.
POSTER included, ready for you to fill in information.
LENGTH: 32 min./ 45 min./ 65 min. / 75 min. due to optional scenes and characters. You get all versions.
CAST: 9 to 26 actors
Order Me!
"I printed out the script and I couldnít stop laughing. I am going to have too much fun doing this show! You have been much more helpful than any other play company I have ever worked with. By the way- working in the Puppet Pals reference was brilliant and I can already see the Time Clock Life number in my head. Thanks again!"
-- Laura Comito, Artworks Studio, 507 N. Main St., Carroll, Iowa www.carrollarts.org
EXCERPTS:
DUMBLEDORE - (ENTERS singing) Dumbledore, Dumbledore, Dumble Dee Dumbledore! Gooood day, Draco! I'll have a peppermint latte and a fresh ram's bladder stuffed with curded cheese and drizzled with Belgian chocolate.
DRACO MALFOY - You'll pay for that, Dumbledore! $7 sickles and 3 knuts!
HERMIONE - What's wrong, Harry? Has Dumbledore changed as well?
(DUMBLEDORE searches his robe pockets, hat, inside his shoes, then lifts his robe to search his boxer shorts, sticking his hand down the pantleg and screaming when it comes out the other end.)
DUMBLEDORE - Oh, dear, I do believe I've misplaced my meal ticket!
MALFOY - No meal ticket - No meal!
HARRY No, Dumbledore's the same as ever.
RON (biting sandwich) Yuck! Harry's right! Things have changed!
HERMIONE What! What's changed?
RON This is surplus government cheese!
HERMIONE Oh, Ron. That's not important!
RON I can't get it off my molars! Three sickles for a government cheese sandwich. Bloody ripoff!
---
PEEVES Twisted vicious little house elf! You has messed with my miasma! Just kill me!"
DOBBY and WINKY - You're already dead!

Click for MORE Excerpts, plus links to Photos and Tech Notes. ~ * ~ ORDER A SCRIPT!


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It's a GOOD Life, by Jerome Bixby
---"They were thinking about making a trap for me. That's why I made them catch on fire."
<-- CLICK on the omnipotent child for EXCERPTS and INFO

- a suspense-filled stageplay based on the award winning 1953 story by Jerome Bixby*, famous science fiction author
- adapted for ďThe Twilight ZoneĒ by Rod Serling 1961
- produced by Stephen Spielberg in ďTwilight Zone: The MovieĒ, 1983
- spoofed in ďThe Simpsonís Treehouse of Horror IIĒ, 1991
- Science fiction theater adapted for stage by Jeannette Jaquish; (c) 2008, 2010 Jeannette Jaquish

CLICK to ORDER!

LENGTH: approximately 55 minutes
CAST: 10 adults, 1 small child age 5-6, and 2 teens: boy and girl.
TECH: Easy to get old props, costumes and furniture. 1 set. Simple lighting.
SET: One set: Porch downstage and Kitchen-Parlor upstage
COST: Royalty: $30-first performance, $15-additional performances, $90 for one year.
DVD of the disturbing scenes Anthony makes on television: $6, to play during birthday party scene.

EXCERPTS:
HANK - Henry Jr.'s got something for you, Dan.
HENRY JR - Here, Mr. Hollis. Just a little something. (Hands Dan a hand decorated envelope. Dan opens it curiously and pulls out a short pencil.)
DAN: (thrilled) - A pencil! Oh, you wonderful boy! Look! It has a quarter inch of eraser left. Look everybody! (They are amazed.) A pencil. It's at least 4 inches long. (tests it) And it works!
ETHEL - Don't waste it darling.
HENRY JR. - I found it inside the Wallace's couch.
DAN - And you gave it to me, you wonderful boy! (Everyone ooohs and ahhhs. Pencils were used up long ago.)
THELMA (aside to someone) - He must have gotten to their couch before I did.

*Among a long list of writings, Jerome Bixby wrote scripts for three Star Trek episodes, co-wrote the story that Fantastic Voyage was based upon, and dictated "The Man From Earth" on his deathbed to his son Emerson, in 1998. The Star Trek: Deep Space Nine- Mirror Universe Episode "The Emperor's New Cloak", 1999, was dedicated to Bixby's memory.
Click for excerpts!


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Teach children to speak up!
Dissolve the fear of public speaking by getting them onstage.
This world needs brave people who will not be quiet when truth needs to be said.

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When they took the 4th Amendment, I was quiet because I didn't deal drugs.
When they took the 6th Amendment, I was quiet because I am innocent.
When they took the 2nd Amendment, I was quiet because I don't own a gun.
Now they have taken the 1st Amendment, and I can only be quiet. --
Lyle Myhr


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TWO VERSIONS OF THE "FROG PRINCE":

Wartsalot! -- The Frog Prince and the Princess Brat
"Taste fangs of death, Scoundrel Frog!" -- Cupcake, the Princess's pet
<--Click for excerpts!
A fractured fairy tale children's theater script!
PLUS Music CD!
or
SIMPLIFIED
Frog Prince and the Princess Brats, JR
both theater scripts adapted for stage by Jeannette Jaquish

VERSION #1: The Frog Prince and the Princess Brat
Actors: 6 to 14
depending on short, medium or long version.
LENGTH: 20, 50 or 75 minutes. 4, 5 or 7 scenes. Medium tech complexity.
COST: 1st performance: $20; additional: $10 each; or 1 year: $60.
Music CD: $23

Order a Script!


EXCERPTS:
PRINCESS CONCEITA: A prince?? Not likely, talking like that. If you were ever a human you held out a beggar's hat."
FROG: "I teased a frail old woman, begging on the road. I kicked her cane to make her fall and Poof!--I was a toad."
~*~
QUEEN: So polish the armor, and the gargoyles need clothes!
The peasants are revolting, or so I'm told by my nose.
And the moat monster needs grooming - He's got bones stuck in his teeth!
Put him on a vegetarian diet. We're using too much beef!
Click for excerpts.

VERSION #2: (simplified and flexible cast size)
The Frog Prince and the Princess Brats, JR <-- Click for Excerpts!
an easy children's fairy tale play by Jeannette Jaquish
COST: $10 first performance, $5 additional, or $30/year.
Order Me!

This script follows the basic fairy tale but has lots of funny exchanges between the Princesses and their mother the Queen and the obnoxious Frogs. Also some long-suffering servants and snoopy Townsfolk. Narrators can prompt actors when they forget a line.

THREE LENGTHS: 20, 24 or 25 minutes - You get all three.
THREE CAST SIZES: 14 or 15 actors, 19 or 20 actors, or 21 or 22 actors, age 7 and up.
3 Princesses (so less crying after auditions), 3 or 4 Frog-puppets, a Queen, an optional King, 1, 2 or 3 Narrators, 3, 4 or 5 Townsfolk, and 3 or 4 Servants, and a Boy Prince who can be played by a Frog puppeteer.
~ * ~ Click to ORDER A SCRIPT!


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If you find BROKEN LINKS
or problems with this website, or have a a question,
please Contact Me! . . . . . . . . . .

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3 FREE SCENE BOOKS!
<-- Click to see List of Scenes for All Three Books!

In 3 age groups:
~ Age 6 to 8 .~*~. Age 8 to 13 .~*~. Age 13 and older ~

Kids love to read scenes and put on little performances.
Great for teachers, camp leaders and home schoolers!
No charge for the download, copying, distributing or performing!

<--Click on image to get the PDF files FREE.

Or ORDER for Christmas or Birthday!
A Talking Frogs CD Collection makes a GREAT Gift!!
For teachers, activity leaders, scoutmasters, homeschoolers and parents.
ORDER All 3 "Talking Frogs" Scene Books
on pdf files on one CD ready to print out.
PRICE: $10 each CD in a case; add $3 for gift-wrapped with a note.
POSTAGE to the US included and mailed by next day.
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Dr. Frankenstreudel's Lemon Fresh Laboratory of Horrors
"Sometimes I feel like saying, "Fetch your own clotting factor!" -- Misty, the sickly lab rat
<--Click for excerpts!

an absurd thriller science themed stageplay by Jeannette Jaquish
COST: 1st performance: $20; Additional: $10 each; or 1 year : $60.
ORDER Me!


SUMMARY: Four squabbling urchins escape a mad doctor, a Julia Child / Frankenstein monster, a sickly lab rat and ravenous zombies. Educational, witty and absurd with lots of action.
CAST: 2 boys, 2 girls, 4 or 7 adults or big kids

LENGTH: 55 minutes. 5 scenes. Medium tech complexity. At least a 3 1/2 foot high platform for graveyard scene.
FREE: Scene 1

QUOTES: "Those little wretches ruined my best spoons prying the bars of their cages!" -- Eyegore
"They may be mindless, flesh-eating zombies, but they are still your elders." -- Old Man Wellard
Click for excerpts.

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Auditioning a Ghost, by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
"I need moonlight to be effective." -- the Jilted Bride Ghost
<--Click on images for first scene and excerpts!
(from the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle story, "Selecting a Ghost")

a ghostly thriller adapted for stage by Jeannette Jaquish
Makes a great dinner theater mystery script!

(Be careful what you wish for. Hauntings are forever.)

COST: 1st performance: $30; addtl: $10 each; 1 year: $70.
ACTORS: 10, at least 3 females, at least 3 males
LENGTH: 1 hour 15 minutes +. Two scene changes (just move furniture). Medium tech complexity.

Order Me!


Arthur Conan Doyle wrote this in his earlier years, before his Sherlock Holmes series eclipsed his other excellent works. It has an ingenious situation as a husband/father seeks to give his wife/daughter the haunting she wants by hiring a "fake" gypsy medium. A stiff-upper-lipped English butler and plotting Cook enhance a devious plot with many unexpected twists.
You receive two variations, one with wife as lead, one with daughter as lead.
FREE: Scene 1

QUOTES: "I'm ashamed to host even a tea party with no story to tell. A real castle should have a ghost." -- Gladys, spoiled daughter or wife.
"And I thought we plunked your inheritance in to this drafty old castle for the prestige of a wall-size fireplace over which to hang our mail order coat of arms. You should have told me you wanted a ghost. We could have bought a nice RV and parked it over a few plots in the cemetery." -- Monty, the father
More excerpts.


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Don't Look in the Lake
"... while the losers have to clean the portapotty with their pillowcases!"
a comedy thriller short play for children by Jeannette Jaquish
Click on the campers for EXCERPTS.


COST: $10 first performance, $5 additional, or $30/year.
PROPS: 2 clipboards, bin of recyclables, fake campfire, 2 balloons, broom, mop, backpacks, suitcases. Table & 4 or 7 chairs.
TECH: Quick but simple set changes. Need lighting for night scene.
LENGTH:
- Short version: 7 or 8 characters: about 20 minutes.
- Long version: 11 characters: about 24 minutes
- Less Scary Version: 12 characters: about 25 minutes
Order Me!

A spooky, dangerous, absurd little gem of life at camp. Lousy food, creepy counselors, dead possum art projects, electric fences and hoeing the tobacco fields. And just when the week is almost over, the campfire stories start coming true.

The kids LOVED the scripts!!"
-------Diana Oswald, Event Coordinator www.OnceinaLifetimeEvents.biz


EXCERPT
RICKY - I tried using the pay phone to call home. It wants 40 Canadian quarters!
PENNY - I saw a trash can full of campers' letters to home. I read some of them. Do you know that last week they had to dissect a possum for arts and crafts?
ANDREW - That sounds very educational!
RICKY - We've got to escape. (to Penny) Do you want to go with me?
PENNY - We could sneak out after lights out!
ANDREW - Are you out of your mind? Didn't you hear the story about Drowned Debbie? She'll crawl out of the lake and drag you back in!
Click for excerpts.


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Advice for New Directors and Directing Children

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You Don't Steal Me Flowers Anymore
or
Marriage Counseling? Over My Un-Dead Body!!!

<--Click on dead flowers for Excerpts!

a psychoanalysis spoof by Jeannette Jaquish

COST: $10 first performance,
$5 additional,
or $30/year.

Order Me!

DESCRIPTION: Neither the therapist or the at-her-wits-end-wife realize that the husband's recent crude, grabby and drooling behavior is because he has been bitten on a camping trip and turned into a zombie.
I have seen audience members laugh until they cried as the husband flops and lurches around the stage trying to get his teeth on his wife's head, as the wife shoves him away using her chair and feet, and the therapist explaining everything as psychoanalytical mumbo-jumbo. Very funny twist ending using audience shills.
Slightly PG, but easily edited out.

CAST: 2 couples and the therapist: male or female.
TECH NEEDS: 3 sturdy chairs, therapist can have a cheat sheet on a clipboard

LENGTH: a short play about 10 minutes
------
EXCERPTS:
WIFE - Stop flopping onto my hood when I'm driving away, Ralph or I'll divorce you!' Believe me, Doc, he's heard it!"

---
WIFE: Can we talk about my husband's increasingly agressive behavior? Like last week, when we were in K-mart, he tried to get my whole scalp in his head! I had to hit him with a can of paint to make him stop. And then I had slobber all over my hair. I had to go to the toilet paper aisle and open a roll of paper towels to wipe off my head. People were looking!
THERAPIST: Ralph, your public display of affection is embarrassing your wife. Can you hear the humiliation in her voice?
RALPH: I sorry...
WIFE (sarcastically): Oh. More words. Big improvement.
THERAPIST: Yes, it is a big improvement. Thank you, Stephanie. Even a counselor appreciates a compliment now and then.
Click for excerpts.



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Lost Hearts, by Montague Rhodes James (1862-1936)
"Don't the trees look like claws grabbing at the sky?"
<--Click on spooky scene for Excerpts!

a classic ghost story by a famous author adapted for stage by Jeannette Jaquish

COST: $10 first performance, $5 additional, or $30/year.
Order Me!

DESCRIPTION: A suspenseful ghost story by M.R. James, a respected author of the 1800's.
In "Lost Hearts", an orphan, Stephen, is unexpectedly sent for by his elderly, rich, eccentric cousin who is unusually interested in his age, and is an expert on ancient religions' teachings on immortality. Stephen hears of two other orphans taken in who disappeared one night leaving behind shoes or favorite toys. He is visited by two young murdered ghosts. As Mr. Abney arranges for Stephen to meet him secretly after hours on the vernal equinox, an evil plot is revealed. Clues to decipher. Happy ending.

CAST: Stephen, Mrs. Bunch, Mr. Parkes, Mr. Abney & child ghosts: Jevanny & Phoebe.
LENGTH: About 55 minutes.
TECH NEEDS: furniture re-arranging set changes, need a fake fireplace, chairs, table, desk, bed with bedding, and the ability to run fishing line through a pulley in the ceiling for ghostly special effects.

EXCERPT:
STEPHEN (stands) It was the girl I saw in my dream. She was still standing like this (arms crossed over heart) and a boy, very skinny; his hands were up like this. And ... he had a hole here, over his heart. He scared me.
MR ABNEY Ah, sad lost souls. They'll wander on and find a resting place somewhere else, I expect.
STEPHEN How do you suppose they died? How did the boy get the hole in his heart?
MR ABNEY No idea.
STEPHEN Aren't you going to tell me to not tell Mrs. Bunch?
MR ABNEY (soft chuckle) I'll leave that up to you, my boy. Stephen, I want to tell you that I have thoroughly enjoyed your stay here. You have been a bright, cheerful, engaging companion --
STEPHEN Are you sending me away???
MR ABNEY No, no, of course not.
STEPHEN You said I "have been".
MR ABNEY And so you have been and so you will be. I propose a toast! (THEY BOTH stand. MR ABNEY hands STEPHEN a champagne glass of liquid and takes the other for himself) Don't worry, it's not alcoholic. To you Stephen! And our future together!
STEPHEN To you Mr. Abney! May you live forever!
(MR ABNEY bursts out laughing. They click glasses and drink. Mr. Abney now observes Stephen closely.)
STEPHEN What's so funny, Mr. Abney? ( pause) Sir?
(Mr. Abney does not answer but continues to look. Stephen is puzzled by his lack of answer and then the sedative takes effect. His face slackens and his knees buckle. Mr. Abney reaches forward and smoothly plucks the glass from Stephen's hand before it spills. STEPHEN crumples to the floor. )

More excerpts.
Do not fear! It has a Happy Ending!


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WHAT DO YOU NEED in a SCRIPT? - We will email a suggestion.

What sort of script or story?
How many actors and what ages?
Do you want simple, medium tech or can you handle complex productions?
Other considerations?
What is your email address so we can answer you? We do not release email addresses to anyone.
Or check out this List of scripts by CAST SIZE, THEATER TYPE, DIFFICULTY, GENRE, AGE.

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Alice in Wonderland, by Lewis Carroll
"She doesn't chop off anyone's head! It's the rest of you who do it for her!" -- Alice's rallying cry to the Queen's subjects
<-- Click on tea party for excerpts!
Classic story theater script adapted for stage by Jeannette Jaquish

ACTORS: 23 to 40 all ages.
LENGTH: 2 hours but never boring.
TECH: Medium complexity. Simple sets. Falling down the Rabbit Hole & Hallway of Doors and Pool of Tears involve some manipulation.
COST: 1st performance: $30; Additional: $15 each; $90 for a year of unlimited performances.
MUSIC CD: $23

ORDER Me!
"I recently ordered Alice in Wonderland from you and I would like to say it's fantastic and going great. As this was the first thing I have ever directed, I was surprised by how easy the script made it for me. I'm glad to hear that I can film it."
--- Abi Harris, performance March 2011, Trinity Theatre, Cowes, Isle of Wight, England ~ * ~ Click to read the glowing theater review in the Isle of Wight County Press!
Photos of Adams College in Colorado's production of this script
~ * ~
Alice grows until her head, arms and legs stick out
the chimney and windows of the White Rabbit's House in this photo
from the Firehouse Theater in Fort Wayne, Indiana. -->


QUOTES:
"I stink, therefore I am" -- Duchess
"Either you, or your head, must be off!" -- Queen
"The beach is here. Wish you were lovely." -- Mad Hatter's post card

~ * ~

This is the best stage adaptation of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland that you are going to find.
Main stage scenes alternate with shorter scenes in front of the closed curtain to allow set changes behind curtain.
Ingenious low tech special effects allow Alice to grow and shrink.
Alice is played by three actresses: small, medium and tall (we used age 7, 11 & 16 for example) with a size-changing experience between each. At a performance directed by the author, a young child in the audience upon seeing all three Alices onstage for the first time during bows, was overheard saying, "Look, Mom, there's three of them!"
Each actor can play multiple parts, except the Alices and the White Rabbit, making your cast size flexible.
Click for EXCERPTS!

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RENTAL COSTUMES
--Charlie Brown shows
--Alice in Wonderland costumes
--Wizard of Oz: Dorothy, Lion, Flying Monkey shirts
--Harry Potter: House Elf noses on glasses + ears
--All kinds of costumes for the shows you see here.
--If you have a costume need - Ask!

Contact This Website! . . . . . . . . . .
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"Witches, Goblins, Ghosts and Ghoulies"
Song and sheet music. Free!


Halloween, Horror and Mystery Theater Scripts <--Click on gravestone!
The Beast of Ghastly Manor
The Shadow radio plays
Sorry, Wrong Number
Twilight Zone Scripts
Phantom of the Opera
and lots more!
(On the page you are on right now, "Don't Look in the Lake" & "Lost Hearts" & "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" & "Dr. Frankenstreudel" & "Auditioning a Ghost" are Halloween plays.)





Pippsi Longknickers

SIR HORACE: "You were rather impressive yourself, autographing each cookie with your thumbprint."
PROF. BANANA: (holding up thumbs) "If youíve got Ďem, flaunt Ďem."

<--Click on Pippsi for excerpts and free Tea Party scene!

(inspired by Pippi Longstockings by Astrid Lindgren)

theater script adapted for stage by Jeannette Jaquish
(Freckled bombshell bullies bullies, gooses high society and does her part for intergalactic harmony.)

COST: $10 per performance; or 1 year : $40.
Order Me!

Actors:
16 to 25, including 5 smaller and 5 larger
Length: 75 minutes or less (scenes may be cut). 7 scenes. Medium tech complexity but a lot of it.
FREE: Tea Party Scene
Quotes: "Spelling bee award? How nice! Now you can hold your head up high around the prettier girls." -- Mrs. Belittleton
"Once Grandma's servant stole her grand piano but she had no place to hide it so she dragged a carpet over it and told Grandma that the house's foundation was settling unevenly!" -- Pippsi




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Plays by Ruth T. Baker
High School Soap <--Click for excerpt
by Ruth Tyndall Baker
Order this script!
"High School SOAP is a wholesome portrait of high school kids who are in and out of love, in and out of situations which reflect the fun drama that goes on continuously in the halls."

CAST
10 females: age teen to adult, 3 males: 1 teen, 2 adult, Extras: male or female teens.

ROYALTIES
$25 per performance


Al Capone & Me <--Click for excerpt
a 2 act historical fiction play by Ruth Tyndall Baker
Order this script!
"Millie learns to handle even Al Capone amid the roaring twentiesí hope and despair, G-men and gangsters, radio, talkies and print. This love story about the economic and family struggles of Millie and Max is presented as a 1920ís film while the concurrent story of Al Capone interweaves the societal fabric of the 20ís."

CAST
7 males age 20 to 40, 6 females age 20 to 40, 1 female age 60 or older.

ROYALTIES
$60 per performance up to the 4th show, $30 per show from the 5th to the 8th, $390 for 2 months of shows.


Inside the 3-0-9 <--Click for excerpt
by Ruth Tyndall Baker
Order this script!
"Inside the 3-0-9" deals with the problems Sherry faces due to her weight. The cruel wounds from her childhood linger, causing her to disbelieve it when Troy wants to take her out for a bowl of Texas Chili. In the end, she realizes that Troy loves her for herself, the person inside the 309 pounds."

CAST
2 females, 2 males, 2 male or female, one male voice.

ROYALTIES
$10- one performace, $15- two performances, $20 -one month or a 31 consecutive day period of performances.

LENGTH
About 15 min.

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Contact Us

or
Order a Script!

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Who Framed Lucky the Leprechaun?<--Click for excerpts!
an absurd mystery script by Jeannette Jaquish
A Great St. Patrick's Day Theater Script!
An absurd, action-packed, edgy script perfect for experimental theater or teenage casts, plus a few little kids to be leprechauns!.


COST: $10 per performance; or 1 year: $40. Order Me!

CAST
9 to 28 actors. Need 3 to 7 kids and at least 6 to 21 teens or adults, depending on if actors play one part or multiple parts.
LENGTH: about 55 minutes.
TECH: Easy-medium. Alternates scenes onstage and in front of closed curtain or in the audience to allow fast shoving around of chairs and card tables onstage. Carry on props: camcorder, bucket, Lucky. Basic lighting throughout. No special lighting.
COSTUMES & PROPS: 1 big and 3 small leprechaun costumes. A cop and detective. Toy machine guns. Lucky Charm and Trix cereal boxes. A working vacuum cleaner. Two Camcorders, working or not.

EDGY MYSTERY: This show has lots of hilarious characters, action, and ridiculous situations around a logical mystery which is revealed in the climactic ending.
The script is slightly PG with bits about test tube birth, a misunderstanding about a girl named Trixie, a leprechaun trying to get drunk on Strawberry Quik, a cop wanting to do a "search", and speculation about a Leprechaun using lots of clover, but it is all tastefully done, and little kids won't understand those parts anyway. This a great show for mixed ages.

EXCERPTS
LUCKY: Ralph! Ralph, me boy! Show some charity to the wee ones. Hello me little lads and lassie. You're a fine lookin' bunch. And sure you'll be wantin' an autograph to show your friends back home?
KID 2 - Look, Look who it is!
KID 3 - It's Lucky. It's Lucky! He's old! He's old, and big! (EXIT screaming)
Later... DIRECTOR - I'm sorry you found out like this Lucky. The Big Guy, he thinks you're getting a bit old for this role, I mean how old are you? 300?
LUCKY - I'm just 298!
DIRECTOR - And it appears you've had a growth spurt lately. We just can't get actors any bigger to play the children without borrowing from the NBA or Ripley's Believe it or Not.
More Excerpts!




Strange Time at the Science Fair<-- Click for Excerpts
a science themed play script by Tom & Zephyr Jaquish

COST: $10 first performance, $5 additional, or $30/year.
Order Me!

The little science nerd says his invention can control time but while the judge stares skeptically at the unchanging pendulum the events transpiring behind them swing hilariously from high speed to slow motion. Using three real science fair projects and the time control project, you can present an educational, absurd and very very funny little show.
LENGTH: About 18 minutes.

CAST: 4 kids, 1 adult judge, 1 teen or adult photographer
PROPS: 3 real science fair projects, 1 fake project with all printed signs provided in the script- you paste them on a science fair board, pendulum, some kind of device to be the time controller, a tone or audio FX generator - even a toy keyboard with sound effects will work, card tables for the projects. Award ribbons or trophies.
TECH: A device that generates a high and low tone.
EXCERPTS:
(NICK is demonstrating his Time Control device to Dr. Bergers. The other kids and the photographer are behind them.)
DR BERGERS - Nothing happened. The period of the pendulum swing remained constant.
NICK - Hmmm. I'll turn it to slow motion.
DR BERGERS - OK, let me get a fix here. (Starts pendulum, looks at watch.) OK, go!
NICK - We start at normal speed (dial tone down) Now it's slow.
(Kids & Photographer in the background SLOW DOWN.)
PENELOPE - Looook ! it's Albeert Einsteiiiin....
(all start slowly running to side front corner of audience)
DENTIN - Myyyy Heerooo!
WALLY - Hey Einstein???? Caaaan I haaaave youuur Autoooograaaph?
(They crash into each other at edge of stage as first one stops unexpectedly. Big Pileup. Get up. Head back.)
DENTIN - Oh, noooo. It was just the jaaaanitor.
PENELOPE Well, he loooked like Albert Eiiiinsteiiiin...
NICK - And back to normal speed. (tone to normal)
(Background people up to NORMAL SPEED.)
DR BERGERS - I'm sorry, I didn't see any change. It was the same both times.
More excerpts.


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Christmas & Holiday Collection:
CLICK on titles and artwork to read EXCERPTS!

~also St. Patrick's Day, Easter, Passover and Thanksgiving Plays~

NEW SCRIPT!:
"When Santa's Away" & "Reindeer #3 is Squeaking!"
© 2012 by Zephyr and Jeannette Jaquish

A simple but witty play-within-a-play Christmas comedy with a song and a few lines for everyone.
Click on Reindeer for EXCERPTS & DETAILS! -->
CASTS: Total of 22, but flexible.
-- "When Santa's Away": 9 total = 8 elves age 6+ and 1 adult Santa.
-- "Reindeer #3 is Squeaking!": 13 total = 4 angels, 4 reindeer and 4 elves age 7+ and 1 adult Music Director.
LENGTH: About 14 minutes for both.
PRICE: $10 first performance, $5 additional, $30 for 1 year.
.......... Music CD: $10 includes shipping. Click to see music tracks.

***
You can also order JUST "Reindeer #3 is Squeaking!" with no set and just bad reindeer, angel and elf costumes for 12 kids and one adult, for $6/$3/$20. Just ASK!
Order Me!





Elfin Antics in Santa's Workshop <--Click for Excerpts!

Children's Christmas Musical by Rosemary Snow
COST: $10 first performance, $5 additional, or $30/year.
$23 Music CD
Free sheet music is included with the script.
LENGTH: 25 minutes
CAST: 14 plus optional dogs

Order Me!
There is pandemonium when the reindeer make toys and the elves take flying lessons!
Santa and the Missus are in despair! And it's the polar bears to the rescue led by the Yodeling Elf! Lots of Arctic facts and a song for each "species".


~*~
NEED A SCRIPT THAT PUTS TOGETHER FAST? Order this one:
Snafu in Santa's Workshop <--Click for excerpts!
or "The Almost Awful Terrible Toy Disaster in Santa's Workshop"
an easy fun short kids Christmas script by Jeannette Jaquish

LENGTH: About 18 minutes.
COST: $10 first performance, $5 additional, or $30/year.

Order Me!
SUMMARY In a terrible mishap all the toys the elves have worked on for a year are destroyed. Can Quigley's new invention save the day, even after it is short circuited by hot cocoa? And who can think with those noisy reindeer romping around?
In rhyme for easier memorization by small children, plus a Narrator who prompts when lines are forgotten.

CAST:
Minimum: 6 kids and 4 adults.
Comfortable: 8-12 kids and 2-4 adults. Can add more kids to be reindeer and extra elves.
Characters: Santa, 4 Elves, 2 or more reindeer, Narrator (capable chid or adult), 2 Kids opening presents, 2 FX crew
TECH: Cardboard box "Dooplicator" machine", toys, table, Christmas tree, fake presents.
SETS: Santa's Workshop & a Christmas tree with presents.

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Miracle on Elf Street <--Click for Excerpts
An audience interaction Christmas play for a small cast by Scott F. Rousseau


DESCRIPTION:
Santa's Elves are in a pickle when Santa gets sick and can't deliver the presents! Oh! And Mrs. Claus reminds them: They have new toy orders to fill: PRONTO! They need help fast! And who is available and sitting right there?

CAST: Four: 3 Elves & Mrs. Claus + Santa's voice.
TECH NEEDS: 2 Tables, lots of soft toys, tennis balls, balls and balloons, cardboard boxes.
LENGTH: Short = about 30 min.
ROYALTY COST: $10 per performance, $35 for a one year run.







The Twelve Days of Christmas - A Merry Parody! <--Click for excerpts!

An hilarious Christmas parody play by Rhiannon Burch

COST: $5 first performance, $2 additional, or $10/year.
LENGTH: About 5 minutes. Order Me!

This Twelve Days of Christmas script parody is rambunctious and screamingly funny. The more outrageous and terrible the costumes are, the better. You can use one person for each of the 12 gifts or actually fill the stage with 3 French Hens, 7 Swimming Swans and 10 Lords a Leaping.





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Hansel & Gretel and the Falling Christmas Elves <--Click for excerpts!
Children's Christmas Play by Jeannette Jaquish

COST: $10 first performance, $5 additional, or $30/year.
Order Me!
The dopey duo of Hansel and Gretel bungle their way into the hungry Witch's clutches and boiling pot again. When Santa's elves fall off the reindeer and into the Witch's kitchen, is rescue in sight? NOT LIKELY!
The Reader can prompt actors who forget their lines and make it sound like it is part of the narration, "Gretel rolled her eyes and said, "I thought you'd have a gingerbread house." " until the actor picks up and finishes the line. The elves lines are in rhyme making for easier memorization.
CAST: 14 to 19 kids age 5 to adult- Hansel & Gretel, Father and Stepmother, Witch, 7 to 12 Dwarves, Fairy Dog and Fairy Frog and the Reader.
TECH NEEDS: Big pot made from big box and cardboard, optional cardboard house
LENGTH: 25 minutes
No Music in this Hansel and Gretel play, but you could easily add songs or dances.



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A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens <--Click for excerpts!

LARGE CAST theater script adapted for stage by Jeannette Jaquish

COST: 1st performance: $30; Additional performances: $15 each; $90 for a year of unlimited performances.
LENGTH: 2 hours 15 minutes

Order Me!
This "A Christmas Carol" play is the classic Scrooge, Bob Cratchit, Marley & Tiny Tim mega-production. Lots of newly created lines and short scenes for supporting roles such as street urchins, storekeeper, Nephew Fred's friends, beggars, bankers, serving wench & mop boy and schoolkids! Everyone has great lines!
This is the best "A Christmas Carol" script you are going to find, besides having the best price.
Excerpts:
URCHIN: I don't like singin' for the undertaker. He just stands there. Staring.
LITTLEST: And rubbin' his hands.
SNIFFLY: That's because he gets 2 quid for every pauper he buries.
LEADER: Yeah, we's just a pot o' gold he's waiting to lay hands on.
BANDAGE: So who ARE we gonna sing for?
LITTLEST: How about Mr. Scrooge?

THE CRATCHIT FAMILY'S CHRISTMAS DINNER:


Contact the Author

--> CLICK HERE <--
to Order Any Script!


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Photos from 2005

Poor kid. His share of the National Debt has doubled since then to $52,000.
Use your costumes for street theater and parades!

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SECTION B: FREE SCRIPTS
if you notify the author

How to Contact the Author

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If you find a free script you can use, please just
Donate A Dollar or Two to Jeannette Jaquish / FunAntics at this link:

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Starting a Theater?

Use FuNAnTiCS FREE tHeATeR SCRiPtS to earn money and get attention!
Then you can afford to buy the Low Priced Scripts for even bigger audiences!

Author: Jeannette Jaquish: I grant permission to perform my Free plays IF I am notified and the author and this website (www.theaterfunscripts.com) are listed in the printed program or are announced or displayed at the show.
You may charge admission. (Please do, in fact, then you can buy my not-free scripts.)
If you perform any of my plays with this requirement without notifying me, you owe me triple royalties plus collection co$t$ such as travel and attorney fees, etc!

So just notify and enjoy! Easy Rules for Using Free and Not-Free Scripts.

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Fairy Tales on the Mars Frontier <--Click here!
Real science theater script by Jeannette Jaquish
(Fairy tales evolve as pioneer parents on Mars teach values and survival to their kids.)
Uses real scientific data about how humans will terra-form and colonize Mars!

Actors: 11 to 35 Actors can play multiple parts.
Length: 35 minutes.
3 small scenes within one long scene. Medium tech complexity.
Cost: FREE
if you notify author, and give her proper announcement. Easy Rules for Using Free and Not-Free Scripts. Easy Rules for Free Scripts.

QUOTES:
"Is your dome strong? Mine blew in!"
"My dome sits low below the crater. Aluminum cover like a baked potater." -- Pigs 1 & 2

"Can you stop this purple plague?"
"Stand back and be amazed!"
"I don't know about this piper."
"She is weird."
"And very hyper." -- Townspeople and The Pied Piper
"This is the dome, resistant to shock,
Built by the man who crushed the rock,
That lay on the surface of Red Mars." -- Rock Song



The Spoiled Baloney Man <--Click here!
(That cycle of life and death really stinks.)
a fractured fairy tale by Jeannette Jaquish
based on The Stinky Cheese Man - but better!

ACTORS:
3 puppets, 5 actors or more
LENGTH: 25 minutes. 1 scene. Simple-medium tech complexity
COST: FREE
if you notify author, and give her proper announcement. See easy details. Easy Rules for Free Scripts.

Quotes: "Not a pretty picture, or smell, when BALONEY GOES BAD! Raised by bacteria in a cold microwave oven. Would love, color and stimulation in its childhood have made a difference?" -- Frog




If Shakespeare had Written the Theory of Relativity <--Click for script!
Shakespeare's classic lines adapted into a swashbuckling debate on relativity.
an educated farce by Thomas Jaquish

COST: FREE!
CAST: Prince Albert, Zhugaid, Arshay, and two gossipy chambermaids.
PROPS & FURNITURE: Period costumes or something close, two champagne glasses, two knives or swords for a mock battle.
LENGTH: About 25 minutes.
Easy Rules for Free Scripts.




Kiss the Brown Bunny<--Click here!
an actors & puppets script
by Jeannette Jaquish

(The flirty Cockroach bets grumpy Spike the dog that three people will kiss her in three minutes.)

<-- shown here: Folkmanis cockroach puppet.
ACTORS: 2 puppets, 3 actors
You may RENT THE PUPPETS from the author.
Length: 8 minutes. 1 scene. Very simple tech complexity.
PUPPETS:Acquiring Folkmanis cockroach puppet and Percy the Dog (from Pocohontas) is tricky. Rent them from the author. Details on script page.
Cost: FREE if you notify author, and give her proper announcement.
Easy Rules for Free Scripts.

QUOTES:
"Cockroach: Even cockroaches have feelings and mine are hurting... Snuggle???
Spike the Dog: Get away from me you filthy insect! Go snuggle in a garbage disposal!"



The Monkey's Paw, by W. W. Jacobs <-- Click for script!

adapted for stage by Jeannette Jaquish
The classic story of wishes gone bad..
Cast: Old man, old woman, grown son or daughter, Sergeant-Major Morris, Visitor from Maw & Meggins.
Length: 18 minutes.
Tech: 4 scenes. Simple set and costumes. Some quick but simple set changes.
Cost: FREE if you notify author, and give her proper announcement. Easy Rules for Free Scripts.






SPANISH & ENGLISH BI-LINGUAL TRANSLATIONS
Restaurante Del Diablo" <--Click here!
a Spanish & English script
by Jeannette Jaquish

Cost: FREE

Scripts alternate Spanish with English so a person speaking either language can understand, and also learn the other language.
Quotes:
FATHER: Waiter! You have your thumb in my soup!!!
WAITER: (wiping thumb on napkin) Me fama? Gracias, Senor, pero las sopa no es caliente. (Exits)
FATHER: Thank you but it's not hot! I don't believe it! His dirty thumb was in my soup!
SON: Esta limpia, ahora.
FATHER: Ewwww! You eat. I'm not hungry now.
SON: (spits out first taste) Bleccchh!!
FATHER: Que pasa?
SON: There is a fly in this soup!
FATHER: Una mosca en tu sopa!!! Terrible!!
WAITER (Returns, placing bill on the table): La cuenta.
SON: MESERO! ESTA UNA MOSCA EN MI SOPA!
WAITER: Fly in your soup??? Is that a problem? Are you a vegetarian?!

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Email:


EASY PLAYS for YOUNG ACTORS
and Other Fairy Tale Theater Scripts and Plays
<--Click here!
For Actors age 5 and older, or Non-readers, or Little Time to Rehearse,
or Big Actors who Just Want an Easy Script (perform kneeling with shoes on knees).


Hansel & Gretel and the Creepy Woods <--Click here!
by Jeannette Jaquish
also in FRENCH & NORWEGIAN translations

FREE - print it off from this website!
Get permission to perform just by
notifying the author by email.

MORAL: Don't let your kids drive you CraaAAAzy!
CAST: Three versions: 15, 20 or 25 actors. The 15 actor version is on the website. Email to request any of the scripts to be emailed FREE.

Hansel & Gretel in the Big Woods -- In Norwegian! Click here!
Hansel & Gretel in the Big Woods -- In French! Click here!

-- Scenes from Carroll Community Theatre in Carroll, Iowa:

"Your Hansel and Gretel and the Creepy Woods script is very funny, and well written - I had a difficult time finding appropriate material for our students, who are 4th and 5th graders. The lines are short and easy to memorize, and yet very entertaining. Thank you for sharing your talent! "
------Cathy Duyck, Battle Creek, Michigan, St. Joseph Elementary Drama Club coordinator, performing March 28 & 30, 2011


"I have been searching for a good play for my drama kids to perform this year and I really like the look of your Hansel and Gretel. It is quite a challenge to write scripts that appeal to both adults and children, keeping all ages entertained and humoured is what makes a good script. I really like the way you have achieved to do just that."
------Roz Glen, Hillcrest, South Africa (near Durban)


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-- LITTLE ORPHANT ANNIE <--Click for script
by James Whitcomb Riley
adapted for stage by Jeannette Jaquish

FREE - print it off from this website!
Get permission to perform just by notifying the author by email.

MORAL: Get kids to behave by scaring the geewhilikers out of them.
CAST: 7 children, 3 or 5 older actors.
--This is the folk poem about boogeymen, NOT Annie singing "Tomorrow! Tomorrow!" with Daddy Warbucks!
<--Image from http://www.cs4fn.org/vision/usingthedarkside.php

EXCERPT:

CHILD 1: And little Orphan Annie says, when the blaze is blue,
And the lamp wick sputters, and the wind goes woo-oo!

CHILD 2: And you hear the crickets quit, and the moon is gray,
And the lightning bugs in dew are all squenched away Ė

CHILD 3: You better mind your parents, and your teachers fond and dear,
And cherish those who love you, and dry the orphanís tear,

CHILD 4: And help the poor and needy ones who cluster all about,
Or the Gobble-ins will get you

CHILDREN: If You Donít Watch Out!

Easy Rules for Free Scripts.

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THE WAY I REMEMBER IT <--Click for script,
a fun kids play by Jeannette Jaquish
FREE - print it off from this website!

Get permission to perform just by notifying the author by email.

MORAL: Being mean makes more meanness.

CAST: 6 or more boys and 6 or more girls, 2 more kids, an older man and woman, and maybe a mom, an optional chorus of kids, plus 1 or 2 prop assistants.

SUMMARY: Little Jamie gets Grandma and Grandpa to tell the story of how they met as children, with two very different and funny perspectives.
Image of Calvin and Suzie by Bill Waterson

Easy Rules for Free Scripts.

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Are You Smarter Than a 4-H'er? (or Insert your Organization Here!)
A FREE script to adapt to your organization.
CAST: 7 to 11 kids.
LENGTH: About 12 minutes.
TECH: Easy: desks, podiums (made of boxes), a flip chart.

SUMMARY A parody of the popular game show with JiffyPop Foxwabbit, Helping Hand Students, Demonstrators and Question Flippers, and a Suspicious Contestant.

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Funny Songs to Perform <--Click here!
by Jeannette Jaquish
with links to songs by other authors.

Some Titles:
Your Mama Don't Wear No Socks
The Hilarious Intermission Song:


"Sodas full of caffeine; Your heart pounds like a freight train,
Let's go to the lobby and have little snack..."
Gilbert and Sullivan Spoof Songs
Songs from Frog Prince and the Princess Brat
Christmas Song Parodies
Incompetech.com Royalty Free music - Good Quality and lots of styles.



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If you find a free script you can use, please just
Donate $1 to Jeannette Jaquish / FunAntics at this link:

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HUNDREDS of FREE Scripts, Radio Plays, TV scripts, Puppet Plays and Songs by OTHER AUTHORS <--Click here!
WARNING!
Many links to scripts by other authors DO NOT have a link back to this page!
So ADD FUNANTICS to your FAVORITES!

Monty Python
Saturday Night Live sketches
Abbott & Costello
Old Time Radio Scripts: Flash Gordon, Sherlock Holmes, Fibber McGee and Molly
Twilight Zone
War of the Worlds
Muppets' Veterinarian Skits, and other Puppet Plays
Classic TV and Film scripts: Sorry, Wrong Number, Duck Soup, A Christmas Carol (Scrooge) Monologues
Parody Songs
Readers Theater scripts of Folk Tales and Historical Fiction - Read or Act!
Huge Cast School Musicals, Simple or Complex
and GOBS more good scripts!

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Harry Potter Plottings

Half-Blood Prince Book Review by Jeannette Jaquish ~*~ Goblet of Fire Movie Review by Jeannette Jaquish

A Muggle's Snide Observation
by Jeannette Jaquish

Harry Potter is magical soap opera,
Hormonal teens spouting abracadabra;
But magic makes it too easy,
And Rowling would certainly get queasy,
Composing a duel 'twixt a shotgun and avada kedavra;

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These are misspellings of my name: Jeanette, Janette, Jenette, Jeannete, Jannete, Jennete, Janet, Janett, Jennette, Jannette Jaquish Janquish.

You can PHONE ME at the number on this page.

Sick of those smarmy Christmas Letters?
Photos of my Tucson, Arizona Red Barn beginnings.
The Red Barn in Tucson, Arizona website.
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3 FREE SCENE BOOKS!
<-- Click to see List of Scenes for All Three Books!

In 3 age groups:
~ Age 6 to 8 .~*~. Age 8 to 13 .~*~. Age 13 and older ~

Kids love to read scenes and put on little performances.
Great for teachers, camp leaders and home schoolers!
No charge for the download, copying, distributing or performing!

<--Click on image to get the PDF files FREE.

Or ORDER for Christmas or Birthday!
A Talking Frogs CD Collection makes a GREAT Gift!!
For teachers, activity leaders, scoutmasters, homeschoolers and parents.
ORDER All 3 "Talking Frogs" Scene Books
on pdf files on one CD ready to print out.
PRICE: $10 each CD in a case with a nice cover (title and images)
add $3 for gift-wrapped with a note.
POSTAGE to the US included and mailed by next day.
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How to Contact the Author
Email:

This website (c) Jeannette Jaquish 1999-2012
~ * ~ Click to ORDER A SCRIPT!


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Email: funantics.scripts@yahoo.com