Short Plays 'N' Simple Skits

Kiss the Brown Bunny - puppets & actors short play
Taliban Pizza phone skit + Osama Bin Laden's Memo to Cavemates
Skits & Other Plays at A-Z Scripts & Puppets for Home Schoolers
Skits for Scouts, by R. Gary Hendra
CONTACT Jeannette Jaquish for script suggestions.
TheaterFunScripts Home Page

FOR LONGER SCRIPTS, CHECK OUT:

Easy Plays for Little Kids age 6 to 8
Includes:
-Hansel & Gretel and the Creepy Woods
-The Way I Remember It!
-Little Orphan Annie
-Snafu in Santa's Workshop
Plays might require a few older actors, and can use a few younger actors.


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Or to the SCRIPTS HOMEPAGE:
www. TheaterFunScripts.com - All Types, All Ages -- All Great!
<--Harry Potter and the Obnoxious Voice ~ The sssPOOF! -->
-The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
-The Frog Prince and the Princess Brat, including a Jr. version
-Slipperzzzz! The Torrid Tale of Cobb and the 12 Dancing Princesses
-Alice in Wonderland
-Who Framed Lucky the Leprechaun?
-Don't Look in the Lake! . . . . . . . . and Dozens More plus Links!

And now, SCROLL DOWN for THE SIMPLE SKITS!

Besides these camp-style skits,
many COMICS make good short skits.
Check out: Calvin & Hobbes (sold in book collections now) and Dilbert, Cul de Sac, and Zits for skits using ordinary clothing, locations and props. Other comics in the newspaper make good short skits, also.

Make a Laugh-In Joke Wall
Ask someone born before 1959 what Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In was. Slit a refrigerator box down one corner so you can open it up and make a \__.__/ shaped wall. Duct tape it to the floor so it doesn't tip.
Cut windows with flaps so they can open and close setting the height and location carefully planning where each actor will sit, kneel or stand to look out the opening and not be standing on someone else. Paint wild hippie decorations on the wall. The actors pop their heads through the windows to ask riddles, knock-knock jokes, or short jokes. At the punchline, other heads pop through to laugh or groan. Tape the scripts inside next to each window.

IMPROV GAME: The Door to Door Salesman:

To START: You need 3 actor/players and the Host-who-runs-the-show, and a line of actors waiting to play.
Players start off being: The Salesman, The Object for Sale, and the Homeowner.
The Host first gets a suggestion of an object for sale from the audience. The Object for Sale actor acts like the object.
The Door to Door Salesman enters with the Object for Sale, knocks and offers the item: the Homeowner gives a criticism and the salesman demonstrates or explains why that is a GOOD thing.
After three criticisms and assurances, the homeowner gets so excited he/she offers to trade their house for the object. They shake hands to seal the deal and the Homeowner and the Object Exit as the audience applauds.
The Salesman stays onstage and becomes the new Homeowner, the Object actor becomes the new Salesman, and the next actor in line becomes the new audience-suggested Object to Sell. Salesman and Object Enter and start it over again.

Jack Be Nimble

[Reader, Jack, fake lit candle]
(Reader enters, sets candle on floor, stands to side.)
Reader: Jack be nimble
(Jack, prances on, stretches and flexes, showing off)

Reader: Jack be quick,
(Jack does quick jump/turns and karate moves)

Reader: Jack jumped overÖ.
(Jack backs up and gets ready to race)

Reader: the candlestick!
(Jack jumps over the candlestick and holds arms up in triumph, strutting)

Reader: (claps politely) Jack took a bow,
(Jack bows)

Reader: Smiled and sat down,
(Jack sits on candle, leaps up immediately)

Reader: Then leaped up howling,
(Jack howls and runs around in circles patting rear end)

Reader: And ran all over town. The End.
(Jack exits. Reader bows, picks up candle and exits.)

(Jack runs back on still patting rear end saying, ďOw ow ow,Ē bows and exits.)


Little Miss Muffet #1

[Reader, Miss Muffet, Spider operator,
(fishing pole with line and weight but no hook, unbreakable bowl with Styrofoam peanuts or paper mache or some kind of silicon sealer or wood filler glued inside, spoon with same stuff inside, small chair or stool, with a throw pillow on it, or just a throw pillow = tuffet)]

(Reader enters, sets tuffet in center and stands to side. Miss Muffet enters carrying bowl and spooon.)
Reader: Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet.
Muffet: Watch your language!
Reader: (pointing to tuffet) That(pause) is a tuffet.
Muffet: Oh.
Reader: Sit, please.
(Miss Muffet plops down.)
Reader: Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Muffet: (tasting curds and whey): Yuck.
Reader: Along came a spider.
(Spider drops in on fishing line, landing near her.)
And sat down beside her.
(Muffet screams and turns bowl over on top of spider. Runs away.)
Reader: And frightened Miss Muffet away.
(Spider bounces under bowl then pops out.)
Spider: Yuck! That stuff is awful! (Exits)
(All return, bow, pick up props and exit.)

Little Miss Muffet #2

(Little Miss Muffet acts out what Reader says.)
Reader: Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey,
Muffet: (tasting) Hmmm. Iím starting to like this.
stuff. (gobbles)
Along came a spider
(Spider descends to hang near her face).
And sat down beside her
(Miss Muffet grabs spider and eats it.) Reader: (stares amazed, open mouth) And she ate him too.
Muffet: (chewing spider) Not bad. But curds and whey are better.
(Spits out spider and throws it over her shoulder. All bow and carry away props.)


DINO JOKES

jokes compiled by Jeannette Jaquish

--- Easier using puppets

REX: Hey, Tyrone!

TYRONE: Hey, Rex!

REX: Hey Tyrone! What do you call fossils that wonít come out of the ground?

TYRONE: Lazy bones!
Hey Rex! I heard an amazing story about you. A volcano erupted under you sending you rolling down the mountain and you crashed into big tree which then fell on you.

REX: Oh, yes! That tumble down the mountain really made this dino-sore!
Hey Tyrone! Look at us. Why are we big and green and covered with scales?

TYRONE: Because if we were small, white and fluffy, no one would be afraid of us!

REX: Hey, Tyrone, I saw you crossing the road. Why did you do that?

TYRONE: Someone had to do it. You know the chicken hasnít evolved yet!
Say, Rex. You look frazzled. Whatís up?

REX: Oh, too much! All 27 of our eggs hatched at once and all the babies were crying and hungry and ripping up the furniture and biting my tail. Iíve spend all day changing diapers, killing prey and pulling the babies out of the tar pits.

TYRONE: Wow! You must be worn out!

REX: You bet! Iím a nervous Rex!

TYRONE: Thatís too bad, but Iím in a bad way myself. You know how much I love charging around the jungle, right?

REX: I sure do! I hear you charging around all day. And then you stopped. Why?

TYRONE: They took away my credit card! Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

REX: Goodbye Tyrone!

TYRONE: Goodbye Rex!

Disney's T-Rex from Toy Story
is a puppet available on Ebay!

DINO JOKES 2

jokes compiled by Jeannette Jaquish
TYRONE Hey, Rex. Glad to see a familiar face. All my old pals moving out, and these new dinosaurs moving in. Really changes the neighborhood.

REX Yeah, Tyrone. I saw that new feathered Archaeopteryx guy. Boy is he a weirdo. Do you know he catches worms? Why would an Archaeopteryx catch worms?

TYRONE Because he's an early bird! Hey! Did you hear about the disaster at the new car lot grand opening?

REX Do you mean that new place? Triceratops Cars with Tricera-bottom prices? What happened?

TYRONE They invited all the dinosaurs to test drive a new car.

REX Oh, no! Was it really bad?

TYRONE Yes! Tyrannosaurus Wrecks everywhere!

REX You think they'd know better.

TYRONE Hey, have you seen my old pal, Proto-saurus?

REX Isn't he extinct?

TYRONE Not anymore. We all chipped in to buy him a bar of soap.

REX A big one, I hope. Yawn. Oh, I'm so tired. I can't get any sleep since my new neighbor moved in.

TYRONE Why? Is he noisy?

REX He sure is. All night long. The rumbling and the snorting. Ohhh!

TYRONE Well, what do you expect from a Stego-SNORUS?

REX Oh, you're right. All these new changes. I'll just have to adapt.

TYRONE Adapt! That's loser talk! We're dinosaurs! T-Rexes! We don't adapt!

REX You're right. The world can change to suit us!

TYRONE Right on, brother! See you later, Rex!

REX Not if I see you first! Good bye, Tyrone!

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Skits for Scouts is presented by R. Gary Hendra -- The MacScouter -- CM Pack 92 & CC Troop 92, Milpitas, California

From the Girl Scout Links site (click above to get more skits)
The Ugliest Man in the World

From: Marguerite Gibson
Cast:The Ugliest Man in the World, bystanders, carnival barker
Carnival barker calls for people to step right up and see the Ugliest Man in the World. The barker warns that anyone who looks in the face of the Ugliest Man in the World will die. The Ugliest Man has head down and his head covered. One by one bystanders come up and pay to see the Ugliest Man. Each dares to look into his face. Each falls dead. The carnival barker asks an unsuspecting dupe from the audience to come up and have a look. When this dupe looks into the face of the Ugliest Man in the World, the Ugliest Man shrieks and falls over dead.


The Frogs Go Whee!
From: Marguerite Gibson
Cast: Little frogs, a frog leader.

A frog leader is directing a frog chorus. They can be singing any song you all know -- just sing it in "ribbits." One by one the little frogs come up and tug on the frog leader saying, "I wanna go WEE! I wanna go WEE!"
The frog leader whispers, "Not NOW!" and sends each back to its place in the chorus. Repeat this until each little frog has asked to go "wee" and the leader is at wits' end trying to hold the chorus together.
At last the leader gives up. "ALL RIGHT. You can all go wee now!" As the leader turns away, the little frogs all jump into the air together and yell "WHEEEEEE!"


The Invisible Bench
From: Sue Moore

#1 is "sitting" on a bench (which really isn't there).
#2 walks up - "What are you doing?"
#1 - "Sitting on an invisible bench."
#2 - "Can I join you?
#1 - "Sure"
#2 "sits" next to #1.
#'s 3 &4 walk up - "what are you doing?"
#'s 1&2 - "Sitting on an invisible bench."
#'s 3 &4 - "Can we join you?"
#'s 1&2 - "Sure" (and so on till only one person is left)
Last Person - "Hi! What are you guys doing?"
Everyone else - "Sitting on the invisble bench."
Last Person - "Didn't I tell you? I moved the bench over there." (points in other direction)
Everyone sitting on bench says "Oh no!" and falls.

--*Variation: The bench fills up. The Last Person arrives and sits on the end, then says:
LAST PERSON - Hey did you get one of the free donuts in the mess hall?
Everyone else jumps up and runs off yelling "Donuts!" causing the the invisible bench to tip up and the Last Person falls on his/her back.


The King's Royal Papers
From: Marguerite Gibson

Cast: King, courtiers, queen, herald, court jester, etc.
The king is on this throne. He beckons to a herald and whispers something.
The herald announces, "The king demands his royal papers!"
A courtier runs in with a sheaf of papers.
The king tosses them aside.
The herald makes the announcement again.
The queen runs in with newspapers.
The king tosses these aside too.
Another announcement is made.
The king is getting more and more agitated.
The herald announces with desperation.
People run in with magazines, letters, books, etc.
None of this seems to be what the king means by "royal papers."
The court jester (or the prince) comes in and presents the king with . . . a roll of toilet paper.
The king grabs his sword, knights the jester, and runs off.


The Wide-Mouthed Frog
From: Marguerite Gibson
Case: Wide-Mouth Frog, a Giant Bullfrog, wasp, and other creatures.


The Wide-Mouthed Frog hops on stage grinning broadly.
The frog must keep its mouth in this wide grin until the end of the skit.
A wasp encounters the Wide-Mouthed Frog.
The frog says: "Hello, who are you?"
The wasp replies: "I'm a little wasp."
Frog: "Well, I'm a WIDE-MOUTHED FROG! I eat little wasps."
Wasp: "Then good-bye, Wide-Mouthed Frog."
The wasp leaves hurriedly.
One by one other creatures come on-stage and carry on the same conversation.
You can use dragonflies, grasshoppers, any insect or small creature that is easy to mime.
Finally, a giant bullfrog hops intimidatingly on stage.
The Wide-Mouth Frog spies him and says "Hello. Who are you?"
Bullfrog: "I'm the Giant Bullfrog. Who are YOU?"
Frog: "I'm the WIDE-MOUTHED FROG, I . . ."
The bullfrog interrupts. "Wonderful! I EAT wide-mouthed frogs for LUNCH!"
The Wide-Mouthed Frog suddenly purses lips into a very tiny circle and says "Ooo . .!"
He turns and hops off stage muttering to the audience with tiny pursed lips, "He eats wide-mouthed frogs for lunch . . . .Ooo . .!"


Is it time yet?
From: Marguerite Gibson
Cast: Person with a watch, Any number of people


Line of Scouts standing with left foot crossed over right, right arm crossed over left.

First Scout asks the scout on the left in line: "Is it time yet?"

Second scout asks the scout on the left "Is it time yet?", continues until the last scout has been asked.

Last Scout, looks at watch, replies "NO" and this is passed back up the line one scout at a time.

After a lonnnnnnng silent pause, the First Scout asks the scout on the left in line "Is it time yet?"

Second scout asks the scout on the left "Is it time yet?", continues until the last scout has been asked.

Last Scout, looks at watch, replies "NO" and this is passed back up the line one scout at a time.

Another lonnnnnng silent pause, First Scout asks the scout on the left in line: "Is it time yet?"

Second scout asks the scout on the left "Is it time yet?", continues until the last scout has been asked.

Last Scout, looks at watch, replies "NO" and this is passed back up the line one scout at a time.

After another silent pause, First Scout asks the scout on the left in line: "Is it time yet?"

Second scout asks the scout on the left "Is it time yet?", continues until the last scout has been asked.

Last Scout, looks at watch, replies "YES" and this is passed back up the line one scout at a time.

Just after the first Scout gets the word, they all change to right foot over left and left arm over right.

(Can also be done with a row of Scouts sitting with legs crossed in the same direction, on YES they cross their legs in the other direction.)


Taking the Penguins for a Ride
From: Marguerite Gibson
Case: "Penguin Keeper", penguins, police officer

A man with a busload of penguins chugs across the stage.
A police officer stops the driver and asks, "Where are you taking these penguins?"
The driver replies, "I'm taking them to the beach."
The officer advises him to take them to the zoo instead.
The driver obliges, changes direction, and chugs off with the penguins.
The driver chugs back on stage with his busload of penguins.
The police officer stops him again: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!"
The driver replies, "I did. They had a great time. Now I'm taking them to the movies."


Walk-ons

The style of a walk-on is simple. A walk-on should in general be pre-arranged with the person who is supposed to be up there talking. If it is not pre-arranged it can be more of a practical joke. While the leader is talking, a Scout walks on stage doing or saying something. The leader responds accordingly, usually in an exasperated way, and the scout then says the groaner punch line.

Scout: "The squirrels are after me! The squirrels are after me!!"
Leader:"Why on earth would squirrels be after you?"
Scout:"They think I'm nuts!"

Scout: Walks on stage tossing a ball up in the air a foot or two and catching it.
Leader: "What are you doing?"
Scout: "Throwing up!"

Scout: Walks on stage, looks around slowly and says, "Scotty! The aliens are very unfriendly!! Quick!! Beam me aboard!!"
Another scout in the audience: THUNK (the sound of a 2x4 landing on stage)

Scout: Runs up to the leader on stage, starts grabbing at his own clothes, as though he has bugs on him, and says, "They're on me, they're on me!"
Leader: "What's on you."
Scout: "My Clothes!" and walks off stage.

A bus load of artificial hair has just overturned on the motorway. The police are combing the countryside.

A hundred dollar bill has just been found on the campsite. Will the owner, please form an orderly lineoutside the mess tent to claim it.

Yesterday a chicken swallowed a yo-yo. It laid the same egg seventy five times.

Smoke Signals

1st scout "Hey George, look over there, smoke signals"
2nd scout "Oh yes Mike, what do they say?"
1st scout, pretending to look away through binoculars, says very slowly, "Help... My... Blankets... On... Fire.


Little Brother
Scout 1: Whatcha doing ?
Scout 2: Writing a letter to my little brother.
Scout 1: Why are you writing so slowly?
Scout 1: Because my little brother can't read very fast!


Wait! Wait!
Shopper: Have you any four-volt two-watt bulbs?
Clerk : For what?
Shopper: No, four-volt, two-watt.
Clerk : Two what?
Shopper: yes!
Clerk : No.


Bee Sting
1st scout: "OOOOOUCH , OOOOOH , OOOUCH."
2nd scout: "What's the matter with you?"
1st scout: "A bee's stung my thumb."
2nd scout: "Try putting some cream on it then."
1st scout: "But the bee will be miles away by this time."


The Operation
By setting up a white sheet and using a light behind it, a hospital operation can be silhouetted onto the sheet, which is set up like a screen. Ham it up with humorous dialogue, occasionally throwing a peeled tomato or spurt of ketchup out to the audience. A good creative imagination would be an asset here.


The Dead Body
Scene: One person lying on the ground, dead. Another sees him and runs for the telephone and, panicking, gasps: "Police, there's a dead person here... Where ? .... Un, (looking for a sign), "I'm at Montgomery and Westchester... Spell it ?... Uh, M-o-t-n... Uh, M-o-t-g,," (confused), "Just a minute, I'll drag him over to King and Elm !"


Good Soup
Props: a large pot, several spoons, and a floor mop. A chef's hat would also be useful.
(Several boys are seated around a large pot, sampling the imaginary contents with the spoons.)

Scott: Boy, this is sure good soup.
Brad : Yep, it's got REAL flavor.
David: Sure is, why it's even better than my Mom makes.
Matthew: Oh yeah. It's the best food I've eaten at camp all week.
Cook: (Enters waving floor mop and shouting) Hey you guys ! Get out of my mop water!!!


Fly in the Soup
Customer: Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my soup !
Waiter: (Enters, very snooty, peering into the soup) Oh, yes, you are right sir. That will be an extra 25 cents for the meat.
Customer: But waiter, he's swimming all over the top !
Waiter: (Still snooty) You are right, sir. It doesn't know it's a fly, sir. It's doing the Butterfly stroke.
Customer: Well, I think it must be an Australian !
Waiter : Why do you say that sir ?
Customer: BECAUSE IT'S DOWN UNDER NOW !


SEAT BELT PRIZE

(4 people in car, 2 in the front, one asleep in the back, one curled up in the trunk. Cop comes up behind with siren. They pull over. Cop walks to driversí window.)

DRIVER: What seems to be the problem, officer?

COP: No problem! I just wanted to tell you that you are the one hundredth person Iíve seen wearing a seat belt today, which means you have won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition!

DRIVER: Thatís great! What a surprise!

COP: So, buddy, what are you going to do with your winnings?

DRIVER: Well, first Iíll get my drivers license and then Iíll pay off all those warrants.

RIDER: Ah, donít believe him! He always talks big when heís drunk!

SLEEPER (waking up): Whoa! A cop. Darn it all! I knew we wouldnít get far in a stolen car.

GUY IN TRUNK: Hey! Amigos! Have we crossed the border yet?




KETCHUP

BOY: Mommy I canít get the ketchup to come out of the bottle.

MOM: Let me try. You have to hit the side like this.

PHONE RINGS.

BOY: Iíll get it.

MOM: Thank you darling. Tell them Iíll be right there.

BOY: HelloÖ.. Mommy, itís the minister!Ö. My mommy canít come to the phone right now. Sheís hitting the bottle.



SHORT PLAYS

Before Eve met Adam

Author of original joke, unknown

(Adam enters, forlorn.)

Voice of GOD: Adam, my creation, my son, why are you so sad?

ADAM: Oh, God. Meaning no disrespect. Youíve given me this great garden with all the fruit I can eat, great weather, nice pets, but I have this strange empty feeling.
I feel like talking to someone who doesnít already know what Iím going to say.

GOD: Oh, dearÖ. I knew you were going to say thatÖ. Adam, I am going to make another creation for you, a human like yourself, but different in very important ways. You can call her Woman.

ADAM: Woman.

GOD: This woman will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children & never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will never nag you & will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache or be in a bad mood. She will freely give you love and affection whenever you need it.

ADAM: Sounds great! But, what will this woman cost?

GOD: Oh, a creature as fine and useful as a woman wonít come cheap. She will cost you an arm and a leg.

ADAM: (thinks about it) What can I get for a rib?



Breakfast Attack

by Jeannette Jaquish

Note: This skit leaves cereal all over the floor so do it last.
ACTORS: Eater, Detective, Attacker

(Eater Enters with bowl, empty milk jug, box of Cheerios (or non-sugared cereal or styrofoam or wood bits to not make a mess). Pours cereal, pretends to pour milk, sits.)

EATER: Oh! Dum-dum! I forgot my spoon. (EXITS)

(ATTACKER ENTERS. Beats bowl and breakfast things. EXITS.
EATER RETURNS with spoon.)


EATER: Shriek! Oh my goodness! (Dials phone.) Hello , police? My breakfast has been attacked! Yes, just now. Please hurry over. Iím frightened.
DETECTIVE (ENTERING): Sorry for the delay. Did you touch anything?
EATER: No no. It is just as I found it.
DETECTIVE: Good. Give me some time to investigate. (Will examine everything with magnifying glass, measure, sprinkle and lift up finger prints with tape, write things in notebook.)
EATER: Are you finding any clues?
DETECTIVE: Canít say yet.
EATER: I was just in the other room. I heard noise and came in, but the attacker was already gone.
DETECTIVE: Uh-huh.
EATER: So I canít give you a description.
DETECTIVE: Too bad.
EATER: Do you see a pattern?
DETECTIVE: Canít say yet.
EATER: I had forgotten the spoon. Do you think he.. or she.. might come back for it?
DETECTIVE: Canít say.
EATER: I canít tell if any cereal is missing. Some might be. But maybe not.
DETECTIVE: Please. Donít disturb me. I must concentrate.
EATER: Sorry.
DETECTIVE: (finishing up) HmmmmÖ Yes.
EATER: Yes what?
DETECTIVE: All the clues point to it.
EATER: What???
DETECTIVE: The splatter pattern. The prolonged beating long after the bowl was spilled. I canít see any other explanation. Iíll have to post a bulletin.
EATER: About what???
DETECTIVE: Donít panic. But you need to know the truth. Your breakfast has been the victim ofÖ
EATER: Of????
DETECTIVE: A cereal killer.
EATER: SCREAM! (EXITS.)
DETECTIVE: (sigh) And even if we catch the guy, there will be the copycats. (EXITS)


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FLIGHT OF THE VULTURES

Author of original joke unknown. Scripted by Jeannette Jaquish © 2003 Offered free for performing.

Actors: minimum = 9
Pilot, Flight Attendant, Vulture 1, Vulture 2, Passenger 1, 2, optional Child, 3, 4, 5. More passengers to follow if possible.

Stage setup: <
Start: Actors enter stage in formation, set down 8 chairs -- 2 in each row, left to right across stage, like on an airplane, with pilotís chair a little ahead. Or skip the chairs and passengers can pantomime sitting down when they get to their ďseatsĒ. Passengers and vultures then walk to behind audience, pilot and flight attendant stay onstage.
Actors enter through audience in this order: Passenger 1, 2 & child, 3, Vulture 1, 2, Passenger 4, 5...
When they go to sit, Passenger 1 sits in first row, Pass 2& child in 2nd row, Passenger 3 in third row. When Vultures leave, Passengers 4 & 5 sit in 4th row, then when Vultures board plane, one sits next to Passenger 1 who jumps up and goes to sit next to Pass 3, Vulture 2 sits next to Vulture 1.
Respect the imaginary wall and door of the airplane; the door is next to the Flight Attendant.
NOTE: Pronounce ďcarrionĒ as carry-un with no accent. Carrion means rotting dead animal. This is a pun and the whole gag depends on carrion being pronounced right.
Two vultures have beaks out of cone shaped drink cups or folded paper plates, socks pulled up to their knees with clothespins attached for claws, and wings or paper feathers stapled to their long sleeved shirts and a white fringed chest and collar. They carry stuffed animals (preferably old ratty ones, with stuffing hanging out and maybe dabbed with red paint) in their mouths. Flight crew have wing shaped emblems on their chests, identical vests or jackets. Passengers pantomime or really carry backpacks and suitcases.)

Flight Attendant: Welcome to Belt-up Airlines.

Passenger 1: Can I get a seat by the window?

Flight Attendant: Yes, there are still a few available. (to next passenger) Welcome to Belt-up Airlines.

Passenger 2: When will lunch be served? Child: Yeah, I'm hungry!

Flight Attendant: 30 minutes after take offÖ. Welcome to Belt-up Airlines.

Passenger 3: I donít care what my boarding pass says, I want to sit far away from those two vultures!

(Vultures reach door of airplane)

Flight Attendant: Vultures???? (Sees vultures. Gags at bad smell but tries to smile)

(Everyone holds nose and waves bad smell)

Flight Attendant: Welcome, (gasp) to Bolt-up, I mean, Belt-up Airlines.

Other Passengers: (yelling things like) Donít let them on! Throw them off! They stink!

Flight Attendant: Iím sorry, sir, madam, but I canít let you board this airplane.

Vulture 1: (holding dead animals in wings) Why??? Because weíre vultures? Animals have rights too! We paid for our tickets!

Passenger 5: Tickets Schmickets!
Passenger 4: Throw them off! They smell!

Vulture 2: (to passengers) Do you think we like your smell??
Vulture 1: (stepping to Passenger 4) Speaking of smell, that ladyís lavender almost made me lose my lunch! (pretends to start vomiting)

Passenger 4: Eeeek! (jumps back.)
Passenger 5: (stepping in between vultures and Passenger 4) Leave her alone, you filthy flying vermin!

Vulture 2: (angry, stepping between Vulture 1 and Passenter 5) This is emotional abuse! (sarcastic) Whereís PETA (pee-ta) when you need them?

Passengers: (all holler different things) : Shut up! We donít stink Ė you do! Get off! etc.

Flight Attendant: Please! Please! Settle down! No thatís not the reason.

Vulture 1: Well what is the reason? Because we have to bring our own food?
Vulture 2: Because your airline wonít respect our dietary needs?

Passengers: Theyíre disgusting! Throw them off!

Vulture 1: (waving the dead animals at them) You sissy omnivores!
Vulture 2: Take a look at REAL meat! Wanna bite?

(Passengers scream until Captain arrives.)

Flight Attendant: Captain!! Please! I need your assistance.

Vulture 1 (sassy): They canít bite it. Their canines are too dull.
Vulture 2: I wouldnít waste good food on them anyway.

Captain (arriving, angry): What is the problem?

Flight Attendant: Captain, please explain to these two vultures why they cannot come on board.

Captain (opening rule book): Here it is. Rule D-94 paragraph 3: Only one carrion allowed per passenger.

Vultures: Awwww! (turn and walk down stairs)

Passengers: Yay!!!

Vulture 1: (reaching edge of stage) Wait a minute. We were going to eat them anyway!
(They gobble down one animal each, by turning backs to audience and stuffing inside shirts. Great slurping, smacking and burping. Passengers watch disgusted. Both then run back to Flight Attendant.)

Vulture 2: Only one carrion each! Let us on!

(Go to chairs. Passengers gag and complain.)

Captain: Oh, curse that rule book! Letís get this trip over quickly! (Runs to pilot chair)

Flight Attendant: Iíll open all the windows!

Passenger 4 (to Passenger 5): I told you we could have brought that moose we hit with the car.

(Passenger 5 groans and rolls eyes as the rest of passengers run to their seats.)

Pilot: Skip the checklist! Mach 4! Blast-off!
(Everyone runs off stage staying in order.)


THE RESTAURANT

(Two people, 1 & 2 enter, led by Waiter and sit at table.)
Waiter: Your menus.
1 & 2: Thank you.
1: We will both have the soup special.
Waiter: Right away, sir. (Exits. Returns with two bowls.)
2: Excuse me, you've got your thumb in my bowl of soup!
Waiter: (wiping thumb on customer's napkin) Thank you for your concern, madam, but it's not hot.
1: Wait! There's a fly in this soup!
Waiter: Is that a problem? You asked for noodle, not vegetarian soup.
2: And look! There's 4 more flies!
Waiter: Thank you for pointing that out. I'll have to charge you for noodles with meat soup.
1: Come back here! What are these flies doing in my soup??
Waiter: The backstroke, it appears to me.
2: No, no, that one is definitely doing the butterfly stroke.
Waiter: (erasing and writing on the check)Exotic meat and noodle soup... that's an extra $2.50. (Exits)
1: I'm not paying for a bowl full of flies! Where did that waiter go?

(Other waiter brings in big pot and sets on nearby empty table. EXITS)
1: I can't eat this disgusting bowl of flies and I'm so hungry. sniff sniff What's that good smell?
2: It's that pot of stew over here.
They get up and look inside pot.
1: Ummm, look how thick and rich it is.
2: And those savory chunks and rich broth.
1: Who is it for?
2: Let's scoop out some before the waiter comes back.
(They use their bowls to scoop out some and sit down to eat.)
1: Yum! Isn't this delicious! Is that barley?
2: I don't know but the spices are wonderful. Are the stringy things fettuccini?
1: Could be. These tiny mushrooms are tasty. I was never going to come back to this restaurant but now I will just to order this great soup.
2: Me too. I wonder what it's called.
(Other waiter returns carrying mop. Looks in pot.)
Other Waiter: Hey, who spilled my mop water??
(Customers run off gagging. Other waiter shrugs, scrapes their plates into mop bucket and hollers:)
Other Waiter: Eddie! Your customers left without paying! Darn! Now I have to add more water. I'll just scoop some out of the toilet. It's stopped up anyway.(Exits)
Waiter: (Entering, looking and leaving) Oh, some people have no class!


THE END

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

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