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Kiss the Brown Bunny puppets & actors theater script

by Jeannette Jaquish (c) 2000

Where to get the Puppets!

The Percy dog puppet is often on eBay (search: Pocahontas Percy puppet)
Rent the cockroach and Percy dog puppet from FunAntics: $10 plus shipping and refundable $75 deposit.
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Offered for royalty free performances, and reprinting for actorsí scripts, but not for resale,
if and only if author Jeannette Jaquish and her website ( are listed in the program, and if J Jaquish is notified:
funantics.scripts at yahoo dot com -> email me! -- You can also rent the puppets by contacting her!
(260) 484-5946
1423 Louisedale, Ft. Wayne, IN 46808.

See links for getting puppets.
Cockroach (wings flip up to look like bunny ears) Folkmanis discontinued, but available elsewhere, though scarce.
Dog: ďSpikeĒ (a bully dog, like a bulldog or pug, Disney's Pocahontas Percy dog preferred)

Actors: Ms. Airhead
Uptight Person
Hunter (Elmer Fudd voice) OR Little Old Lady w/purse

SPIKE (Enter): Rowf! Donít come near me! Iím a baaad dog! My nameís Spike and Iím mean!
Iím vicious! I scare little kittens, and chew shoes down to NOTHING! I havenít had my SHOTS!
Ainít a person alive who can house train me!
(COCKROACH enters, sneaking up behind him)
I roll in stuff so stinky that one sniff would knock a hog unconscious!
I eat stuff so rotten that the X-files laboratory canít analyze what it used to be!
I ainít scared of them sissy dog catchers, or mangy coyotes, or firecrackers, or lightning or Ė
(COCKROACH crawls onto his head and looks down at him)
Eeeeeek! (jumps, knocking cockroach off, scrubs his face with paws, wipes his face on everything)
A cockroach! Germs! Germs! Aaaaack! Wipe it off! I need antiseptic! Diaper wipes!
Get away from me, you horrible, disease carrying parasite!

COCKROACH: A bit jumpy, arenít we, Spikey-wikey?
SPIKE: My fur! My beautiful fur! Contaminated with cockroach germs!

COCKROACH: Come, now, old chap. This is hardly the proper way to greet a new face.

SPIKE: New!??? Cockroaches arenít new! Your kind have been crawling in the slime since the dinosaurs!

COCKROACH: (whimper). Cockroaches have feelings too. And mine are hurting. Snuggle?

SPIKE: Get away from me you filthy insect! Go snuggle in a garbage disposal!

COCKROACH: (sobbing) Rejected! Will I ever find love? ..... Sit in your lap? Nuzzle your neck?

SPIKE: Cockroaches are disgusting! No one could love a cockroach!!

COCKROACH: (brightly) Thatís not quite true!

SPIKE: What? Someone loves cockroaches?

COCKROACH: Well, maybe not love. But Iíll bet you your chew bone that three people will kiss me in the next 3 minutes.

SPIKE: Kiss you? KISS YOU????? (falls over laughing extensively) HA HA HA HA! Thatíll never happen!

COCKROACH: So youíll bet your chew bone?

SPIKE: My chew bone.... What will you give me if I win?

COCKROACH: (snuggling up) Iíll leave you alone.... fuzzy buns.

SPIKE: Yuck!!! Deal. Stay on that side. Three minutes. Starting now.

COCKROACH: OK, one moment. (down, returns with sign: ďKiss the Brown Bunny Ė Free!Ē) Start the clock.

SPIKE: (reading) Kiss the brown bunny? ..... Youíre not a brown bunny!!

COCKROACH: Aaaah. But love leaves one starry eyed.

SPIKE: In fact you look and smell more like a brown --
COCKROACH: (interrupting) Shhh! Someoneís coming! (MS. AIRHEAD enters) Donít jinx me or the deal is off. (Cockroach flips up wings so they look like ears.)
SPIKE: What! Thatís cheating!
MS. AIRHEAD: (reading) Kiss the brown bunny? (sees him) Oh! Him so cute! Wook at that wittle bwown nose and bwown eyes and looong whiskers. Oooooh is such a cutie-pie. I will give you the biggest smooch!
(She closes eyes and plants a long kiss on the cockroach. During the kiss he drops his wings and then she opens her eyes.) Eeeeeeek! A cockroach! I kissed a cockroach! (She sputters and wipes her mouth with her hands and clothes and the audience , ad lib. EXITS.) Ambulance! I need an ambulance!

SPIKE: That was cruel! Dishonest! Unhealthy! .... (sadly) My ears donít look like bunny ears do they?

COCKROACH: No, but squirt some ketchup on your head, and you could try for some hitĖby-a-car sympathy.

SPIKE: Hmmmm, thanks. (UPTIGHT PERSON ENTERS) Ooooh! Here comes another one!

COCKROACH: (wings go up) Ears up!

UPTIGHT PERSON: (reading) Kiss the brown bunny? (deep manly voice) My, what a handsome rabbit. Such long silky ears, intelligent eyes. ....(melting) and such a cute nose. (looks around afraid that someone will see him) Well, my psychiatrist did tell me to feed my inner childís hunger for affection.
(closes eyes, long kiss, cockroach drops wings, business person opens eyes)
Aaack! A cockroach! My mouth was on a cockroach! Germs are crawling down my throat! Spreading! Infesting! Aaack! (grabs mouth as if about to throw up and EXITS.)

COCKROACH: Bleeccchh! He had bad breath.

SPIKE: Iím sure you cured him of that. Iíll bet heís chugging a gallon of Listerine right now.

COCKROACH: Shhhh! My next victim. (wings go up)

LITTLE OLD LADY: (reading) Kiss the brown bunny? Why how charming! (leaning closer)
I would love to kiss such a sweet little creature, clean, healthy AND PLUMP!
(Snatches cockroach with a swing and stuffs him into her purse. Hangs onto it as if he is struggling)

COCKROACH: (Muffled screams)

LITTLE OLD LADY: MmmmmmÖ Yum! Rabbit stew tonight! (Exits)

SPIKE: Boy is she in for a surprise! Hey! Lady! Better use lots and lots of onions with that! Blechh! (Exits)


COCKROACH: Shhhh! My next victim. (wings go up)

HUNTER: (reading, Elmer Fudd voice) Kiss the bwown bunny? Now isnít you cute?
(Pulls out toy rifle (or club) and shoots the cockroach)
Bam!.... Bam!......Bam!
Hey,... wait a minute. Thatís a cockwoach. Iím huntiní wabbit! (EXITS)

SPIKE: Heís gone.

COCKROACH: (coming back to life) And so am I. You win the bet. (EXITS)

SPIKE: Ketchup. Where to find some ketchup. (EXITS)