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MST3K Quotes!

This is my page that features the funniest quotes ever made on the show. So if you have a favorite quote e-mail me with the quote and include the name of the episode it's from. I will put the quotes in order according to episode number.

Quotes from: K04- Gamera Vs. Baurgon

[While Baurgon is walking into a bridge]
Crow: This monster does not know the concept of "around".

[After seeing a shot of Baurgon]
Tom: He's a pretty good candidate for monster food.
[While Gamera and Baurgon are fighting]
Joel: I just don't want to be around when they mark their territory.

Quotes from: K05- Gamera

[When the eskimos' find out there could be a war]
Joel: There's nothing more tragic than a war in an Eskimo village.

[When the annoying kid repeatedly keeps calling for "Tibby"]
Joel: If he says that one more time... I'm gonna pelt him.
Kid: Tibby!
[After the annoying kid, "Kenny", looses his box of rocks and gets angry]
Joel Don't worry Kenny, tomorrow we'll get you a whole boxfull of gravel.

Quotes from: 320- The Unearthly

[While opening theme is playing]
Crow: Music by the Edgar Allen Poe Marching Band!

Lobo: Time for go to bed.
Joel: Well said.

Quotes from: 424- MANOS: Hands of Fate

[While seeing a shot of the demented caretaker, Torgo]
Joel: He looks like a chainsaw sculpture.

[While observing Torgo's horrible knee disfigurement]
Crow: He's been hittin' the Thighmaster too much.

Quotes from: 507- I Accuse My Parents

[As Jimmy writes a farewell note to his mother]
Crow(As Jimmy): I'll just put this over here next to mom's suicide note.

Quotes from: 517 - The Beginning of the End

[While seeing the opening title]
Mike: The beginning of the end already?  It just started!

[While looking through a car wreck, someone finds a sweater]
Man: It looks like a girl's sweater.
Crow: The car was attacked by a sweater!
Lady: I'm onto something I think will be real big!
Tom(As lady): Me!
[While inspecting a warehouse that has been destroyed from a giant grasshopper]
Mike: Well, it's a fixer-uper... that's for sure.
[After two people leave a helpless man with a giant grasshopper]
Mike: We'll send help, ba-bye!
[When an officer doesn't believe a man talking about giant locusts]
Mike(As man): Okay, okay, forget locusts!  Giant panda bears that fly!
[While discussing who's gonna stop the giant grasshoppers]
Man: We feel secure the Illinois National Guards will handle the situation.
Crow(As man): Just like they handled the Chicago convention.

Quotes from: 606- The Creeping Terror

[While two people walk away from a cop being attacked by a monster]
Mike: Well, he probably knows what he's doing.

[The movie shows a woman hanging out clothes on a clothes line]
Mike: Aren't you supposed to wash 'em first?
Narrator: Bradfurd dismissed Martin's theories by pointing out that the creature was not exhibiting any signs of violence.
Crow: Aside from eating people.
[We come across a broken guitar]
Mike: Today the music world mourned... the guy who owned this guitar.
[The monster barges onto a dance floor]
Crow: Uh, Mr. Monster, we need to stamp your hand!
Mike: Only after the monster died do people think of running!

Quotes from: 619- Red Zone Cuba

Man: Guard, some water. This man's got a fever.
Tom: Boogie Fever.

[While prisoners are beating up a store owner]
Tom(As store owner): I'm gonna have to ask you to leave if this continues.
[Halfway through the movie]
Mike: So the Cuban stuff was just a digression. Now the movie's really gonna begin.
[When the prisoners come across a train]
Crow: They're gonna let the air out of the tires! Hahaha!
[Suddenly the movie switches to a shot of an auto part store]
Tom: Well, see! The movie has finally thrown up its hands and said, "I just don't know."
Crow: I wanna hurt this movie, but I'll never be able hurt it the way it hurt me.
[Suddenly cops appear out of nowhere]
Crow: The "wherever this is" PD!

Quotes from: MST3K: The Movie

[When Crow re-reads his calculations after he breeches the hull.]
Crow: Whoa, look at that!  Breech hull-- all die.  Even had it underlined!

[After seeing the "Universal" logo]
Crow: Ah, it's the nicest weather earth has ever had!
[Looking at the White House]
Mike: Washingtonland! The new Disney Theme Park.
[While Joe drives in his "army jeep"]
Crow: New G.I. Joe action set! Nerdy Joe not included.
Tom: Sure I'll ram my ovipositor down your throat, and lay my eggs in your chest, but I'm not an alien!
Mike: I'm fully instrument rated for Microsoft Flight Simulator!
[When one of those big-headed foreheaded guys turns a colorful dial]
Tom: Now you're playing Simon!

Quotes from: 903- Pumaman

Crow: Pumaman! He flies like a moron!

Tom: He is the Pumaman! He can get out of a car going three miles an hour!

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