THE BEST LAID PLANS...

TWO SAUCERS OF MILK, PLEASE.....MEOW! ....... by Terri

"So you really think we can do it?" Rosamond said to John.
John laid there with his arms folded behind his head. "I'm sure Daniel would like more freedom at the gym, at least he can feel like the boss a couple days a week. You and I have a natural chemistry. When we were acting, it wasn't work. It was just an extension of our life. I really enjoyed it."
Rose rolled over, propped herself up on her elbow and smiled deviously. "Not to mention I get a chance to stick it to Pastrami Patterson, she of the ample buttocks! Imagine thinking she could have replaced me as Daisy! Marty alway said I was the best Daisy they had. Especially when we dumped that pervert Biff Murdoch. Marty said he can get a nanny for Julie if I have to bring her into work. And I would LOVE to work with Gwen again. So YES!! Let's do it, John! Let's become the Hottest Couple Ever once more! Let's show them!" She traced her finger absentmindedly up and down John's chest. "So are you going to call Marty with the news? The sooner he can kick Pastrami out on her big fat butt the more I'll like it!"

John reached for the phone.
"Hello, Marty?....Rosamond and I talked it over...no, we gave it alot of thought....we really enjoyed it....I--we--decided....yes, put us on....report for work WHEN? Tomorrow?...STOP THAT!....no, not you, Marty....reheasals tomorrow...cut that out!...no, Marty, not you....well, Rose is getting an early start on reheasals...yes, haha!...I think she wants to talk to you....ok, I'll put her on..."
"Marty? So when are you firing Penelope Patterson? You'll call her in your office today? Sure wish I was a fly on the wall for THAT one!...John, keep your hands....uh, Marty? I, mmm, I have to go now....." her voice trailed off. "oh, baby..." she whispered.
Click!

Marty Henshaw leaned back, satisfied that things were going his way. What a stroke of luck to get the two of them back together! He buzzed his secretary. "Gail, would you please have Penelope Patterson report to me ASAP?"
"Will do, Mr. Henshaw."
Penelope Patterson breezed into Marty's office fifteen minutes later, confident that she was finally getting the raise she asked for. "Well, Marty, I see you finally discovered my true worth!"
Marty leaned forward in his chair, hands on the desk. "Yes, I have, Penelope."
She shifted in her chair, hiking her skirt up. "And you have agreed to bolster up John Gwinnett's part and turn the heat up?"
"Yes, I have, Penelope."
"GOOD! When is he due back here?"
"Tomorrow." Marty was enjoying setting her up to shoot her down.
"Now, about Gwen in wardrobe...I think she is deliberately trying to make me look tacky. This dress here--look how it pulls across the butt. And it is only split up to the mid-thigh." She adjusted the bustline and tried to pull it lower.

Marty surveyed her cooly. "The reason it pulls across the butt is because you have gained weight, my dear. But you don't have to worry. You'll have plenty of time to work out."
"OH! You're getting me a personal trainer! It's about time! All the other soaps have trainers for their main stars."
"No, no trainer, dear." Marty pulled a check out of his desk drawer. "Here is a check for 75,000.00. The network is buying your contract."
Penelope got excited. "Buying my contract? They want to put me in my own show! I knew it! I KNEW IT! But I won't go unless John Gwinnett goes with me!"
Marty smiled slowly. "Oh, my dear, you don't understand! You are OUT! The network is letting you go!"
It was now beginning to dawn on Penelope. "Out? OUT?" She jumped up. "But WHY?"
Marty said, "The public never really warmed up to you, Penelope. I am afraid you had a hard act to follow."
"Hard act to follow...you mean Rosamond de Clifford? She totally domesticated now! Living out on a ranch in Beacon Falls! Her fifteen minutes of fame came and went with the murder of her husband! So what do you want me to do, disappear in a plane crash? Fall off a boat and end up on a deserted island? I mean, you can't kill Daisy off! You watch! My fans will be writing in to bring me back!"
"What fans? Your family? Penelope, don't take this personally but my hate mail on you is running 20 to 1."
Marty picked up a letter. "I am quoting, 'where did you find that fat cow?' and here's another one 'she can't act her way out of a paper bag.' Another one 'for Pete's sake, bring back Rosamond unless you want to just cancel your show'. Need I say more?"

Penelope was furious. "Isn't there anything positive in there about me?"
Marty smiled. "Yes, there is. Here's one. It reads, 'I'm POSITIVE Miss Patterson can get a job selling bear claws in a Jewish bakery."
Marty said, "I would appreciate it if you could clean out your dressing room right away. I need to make room for the new Daisy."
Penelope was stunned. "The new.....and who might THAT be? Oh, no..NO! It's not true! Say it's not true! You're bringing HER back?"
"Yes, I am bringing her back. Our ratings dipped dramatically after she left. You and John just don't have it, sweetie. Why do you think he only comes in here once a week? Because he can't stand to work with you."
Marty got up and leaned on his arms across the desk. "And it was your foolish remarks to Rosamond that almost caused them to break up permanently. I am very fond of the two of them. I have been with them from the ground floor up on that relationship and I consider them my friends. You tried to submarine her. And we don't need that kind of animosity in the show. So goodbye, Penelope. When you get that job in the bakery, send me a dozen bear claws!"
Penelope strode to the door, then she whirled around. "You'll all be sorry, Marty!"
Marty said, "Don't forget your check, Penelope!"

Penelope stood in the center of the dressing room, shoving all her makeup and clothes into a duffel bag. Gwen came in.
"What's going on?" she asked.
Penelope said sarcastically, "Oh, haven't you heard? I've been canned! Bought out! FIRED!"
Gwen could barely contain a smile. Thank goodness, no more fat-ass clothes to deal with! She tried to put her most crestfallen face on. "Really? What do they intend to do, kill Daisy off?"
Penelope threw her coffee cup against the wall and turned a chair over. "NO! Would you believe they are bringing back that little witch, Rosamond de Clifford? I just know something is going on with her and Marty Henshaw!"
"Rosamond? Coming back?" Gwen could scarcely keep the enthusiasm out of her voice. Rose was a joy to work with, she was fun and the way she wore the clothes, it was an easy Emmy for me, she thought.
Penelope screamed, "I'm not taking this lying down!" She looked in her book and pulled out the number on Winding Willow.

"Hello?" Celeste answered the phone.
"Yes, hello, may I please speak to Mr. John Gwinnett?"
"One moment, please."
Celeste shrugged her shoulders to John's raised eyebrows.
"Hello?"
"John, this is Penelope Patterson. You remember ME, don't you? The woman whose career you destroyed?"
"Penelope..."
"DON'T YOU DARE DENY IT! YOU GOT MARTY HENSHAW TO FIRE ME SO YOU COULD MOVE YOUR LITTLE..WHATEVER SHE IS!...RIGHT INTO MY ROLE!"
Rosamond and John were sitting at the breakfast table. John pulled the phone away from his ear, wincing. Rosamond tried to keep from laughing.
"I SWEAR I WILL MAKE THE TWO OF YOU PAY IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!"
SLAM!
John shurgged, "I guess that is one unhappy camper!"


"She's just a sore loser, John. Why don't we go down to the studio this morning and pick up our scripts? That way we can go over them at the gym. I have that 5:30 aerobics class to teach today." She squeezed John's arm. "That way we can spend all day together."
"Celeste? That OK with you?"
Celeste smiled, "Nothing gives me more pleasure than that little baby and Will."
Rose ran upstairs to change her clothes. She changed into a T-shirt and jeans. "It will be great working with Gwen again. She had the best taste!"
John grinned, reminiscing. "Yeah, but 'Daisy' spent most of her time in slinky clothes. Penelope just had that wide load."
Rosamond said cooly, "Oh, you noticed, did you? You know, you never DID tell me what happened that night you went up to her apartment."
John glanced over to her quickly. "Only fair. You never told me about the Plaza."
To change the subject, Rose said excitedly, "I have a wonderful idea for a weekend next month! The Double B ranch is racing a couple of their horses in Saratoga next month. Why don't we go up there and make a weekend of it? After all, technically they are Julie's horses now! Can you just see it? In the program under 'owner' it will say 'Julie Beth Montgomery' or maybe just 'J.B. Montgomery'. I hope they don't want to interview her if the horse wins!" Rosamond dissolved in a fit of giggles.

They pulled into the parking garage and walked arm in arm up to Marty Henshaw's office. John knocked on the door.
"Yeah, yeah, come in.." Marty's voice sounded from the other side.
Rose raised her eyebrows. "What kind of a welcome is THAT, Marty?"
Marty burst out in a big grin. "Hell, you two are a sight for sore eyes! Couldn't wait to come back, could you?"
"Well, Rose thought we could pick up the scripts and start rehearsing while we are at the gym tonight. How did it go with Penelope Patterson?" Rose made a face behind John's back. Marty groaned. "About what you'd expect. She pitched a hissy fit. She actually thought she was getting her own show when I gave her a check to buy out her contract! Oh, and get this! She was insisting that John go with her!"
Rosamond did a slow burn. She said, "I want to go down to the wardrobe and see Gwen. You two guys carry on without me."
She kissed her fingers, waved them at John and went down the hall. Marty looked after her. "She is a lovely lady, John. I know you had to go through alot to get her. I can't believe you actually paid 100,000.00 for her."
"And she was worth every penny!" John said.
Just at that moment, Penelope Patterson was passing by and stood outside the door. Paid 100,000.00 for that bimbo? WHY? He could have had me for free! Penelope plastered herself against the wall again.
"Well, that's what that Susan Hemingway was asking for. And she offered to supply the tape, too."
Penelope's mouth was open, good thing there wasn't any flies around. Susan Hemingway must have been the madam! And a videotape? No wonder she can play the role of Daisy so naturally! Well, well! Looks like that little bitch used to be a call girl! But 100,000.00? She must be REALLY talented!
Marty said, "What did the two of you do last night?"
"After we left you, Rosamond had a brandy to relax, I just had Coke."
Whoa! John Gwinnett is a cokehead? I never would have guessed it! But hey, he's smooth, he's suave, he's relaxed. Guess that's why! So Miss de Clifford was a hooker and John is a druggie!
She stormed off. As she entered the dressing room, she heard voices from the wardrobe department. She stopped in to say goodbye to Gwen. Rosamond turned around. Their eyes locked. You could almost see the claws come out. Rosamond said cooly, "Why, hello, Miss Patterson. Forget something?"
Penelope got right up in her face. "Yes! I didn't get a chance to tell you what I really think of you!"
Rosamond brushed her off. "Honestly, honey, I couldn't care less."
"Well, maybe you had better, you...you whore!"
Rosamond's face turned red and she got right in Penelope's face, too. Then Rose calmed down because after all, she had the job AND John. She turned her back. "I don't even know why I bother with the likes of you, Pastrami!"
Penelope sneered. "That's Penelope! You think you have it all figured out, don't you? Shall I tell you, honey, what went on in my apartment that night John took me home? Believe me, you were the last thing on his mind. Oh, and by the way, when you two are together...does he ever call out MY name?"

At that point it was too much for Rosamond. She took a swing at Penelope and connected with her jaw. Penelope reached up and grabbed Rosamond by the hair. Rose kicked her feet out and dropped Penelope like a sack of potatoes. Penelope reached out and ripped Rosamond's tee-shirt. Rosamond proceeded to unsheath her claws and scratched Penelope's face. Penelope tried to bite Rosamond on the arm but Rosamond twisted Penelope's arm around her back. She rammed her head into the floor, emphasizing each word with a THUD.
"Don't *thud* you *thud* ever *thud* call *thud* me *thud* a *thud* whore *thud* again! *THUD!*"
Penelope bucked herself out of Rosamond's grasp and swung her fist, giving Rosamond a bloody nose.
Gwen had run down the hall to Marty's office.
"Marty! John! Come quick! Rose and Penelope are getting into it! They're killing each other! You've got to stop them before Penelope hurts Rose's face! She has to go to makeup and tape tomorrow!"
Marty and John ran into the dressing room. A bottle of bleach had splashed on Penelope's hair, giving her red hair pink streaks. Rosamond's clothes were splattered with bleach and torn. Her nose was bleeding. Penelope's eye was swollen shut and her lips were puffy. Both the women's clothes were tattered.

Meanwhile a crowd of set workers gathered around, cheering them on. Marty grabbed Penelope and John yanked Rosamond up on her feet. John had Rose in a bear hug. "LET ME AT HER, JOHN! I WATCHED YOU AND DANIEL! BELIEVE ME, I LEARNED FROM THE BEST! YOU TAKE IT BACK!"
"I WILL NOT! ASK LOVERBOY THERE WHAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT! BUT GUARANTEED HE'LL DENY IT!"
Rose was totally out of control. She bucked and struggled as John tightened his grip on her. Penelope tried to free herself from Marty's grasp.
Marty wheezed, "What do we do?"
John grunted, "We just let them keep swinging until they wear themselves out. Should be about five minutes."
After four and a half minutes, it started to wind down. Marty let loose of Penelope and John loosened his grip on Rose. They started to fly towards each other again until John pushed Rosamond against the opposite wall. Penelope thought twice about pursuing the fight and gathered her tattered clothes around her with as much dignity as she could muster.
She yeled, "Two-bit whore! or is it now 'low cost provider'?"
Rose yelled back, "Miss Junk-in-the-Trunk!"
"Slut!"
And Rosamond added the coup de grace. "CAN'T ACCESSORIZE!"
Penelope turned around and yelled, "You'll pay for THAT one, tramp!"

As the two women were standing there trying to catch their breath, Ernie, the gaffer came back from the cafeteria. He set it down. In his hands were two saucers and a quart of milk. He said, "Give these two girls a saucer of milk!"

With that, Rosamond let out a volley of twelfth century swear words that John had never even heard before. Then she switched to the modern vernacular so the meaning wasn't lost on Penelope. Rosamond looked and sounded like something out of a sailor's dream. He was totally shocked. Someone handed Penelope an icepack which she alternately put on her eye and lip.

One of the guys handed Rosamond some wet cloths for her bloody nose. Marty stood there, his hands on his hips.
"I am shocked...just SHOCKED!... at the behaviour of supposedly civilized women!"
Someone in the background said, "Ever hear of a catfight, Marty?" Marty said, "Well....yes...but I never really saw one before! OK, what happened?"
Rose and Penelope both started yelling at once.
"That little tramp said.."
"She told me that she and John..."
Marty threw his hands up and said, "ENOUGH!"
John sat there, stunned that Penelope even hinted at a relationship between the two of them.
Joanne, the makeup artist, took the cloth away from Rose's face. She turned her face right and left, tilted it up to the light. She touched Rose's nose lightly and breathed a sigh of relief. "Not broken, Marty!" Rose yelled out, "It would have been worth it, though!" Penelope and Rose both stood there in ripped and tattered shirts. The stage crew started smirking and chuckling.
Marty said, "Was this fight about the Daisy role? Or was it something more personal?"
Both Rosamond and Penelope looked down at the floor. Penelope said, "The role"
and Rosamond said, "Personal" at the same time.
Marty glowered. "Or maybe a little of both?"
Penelope started to whimper and Rosamond gave her a disgusted look. Rose said cattily, "If you want to learn to defend yourself AND lose that big butt, I suggest you enroll in a kickboxing class."
Then Rosamond turned to John and said, "I think we have ALOT to talk about...honey! And now I am going to take a long hot shower."
To Penelope she said, "Be out of here by the time I get out. I was just getting warmed up."
With that she picked up a robe and a towel and left the room. John followed her out. She raised her hand with a STOP! motion. She said, "Time out, stud. I need to cool off." John went back to the room but Penelope and Marty were already gone.

Marty sighed. "I'm sorry, Penelope. Perhaps I was too harsh earlier. I will give you a recommendation and a lead on a couple of other soaps." Penelope grabbed her things and said, "Don't bother! But she's going to pay in spades for what she did!"
And with that Penelope flounced out of the room.


THE STALKER..............by Coralynn

Billy Bob notices someone behind him as he strolls down a Paris street. He can feel someone back there following him. He turns around and sees a thin, blond woman about ten or twelve feet behind him gaining ground rapidly. This time he decides to confront her once and for all.
She comes up alongside him and takes his arm, "Oh my love, I see you in my dreams and now I see you in the sunlight. Since we are soulmates, we shall never be parted again!"
He looks her straight in the eye and says harshly, "Madame, I not only do not love you; I not only am most definitely not your 'soulmate' as you put it, but if you don't desist from stalking me I'll have to call in the Police. Do you understand?"
"But Susan said....."
"Susan? Susan who?"
"Susan Hemingway, of course."
Billy Bob remembers that WandaSue used that alias, and now it all clicks. She's trying to get back at me for leaving her but one dollar in his will, by siccing this awful woman onto me. Well, she won't get away with it!

"Let us sit at this sidewalk cafe and talk," he suggests.
'Belle' smiles. As long as they're talking, she has a chance, or so she thinks.
A waiter brings them coffee. She clinks her small cup against BB's and says cheefully, "Here's to us!"
"Look, lady, there is no 'us'!" he corrects her, "Nor shall there ever be! You are being used by Susan, who, by the way, is one of the nastiest people to ever draw breath! How did you get hooked up with her anyway?"
"I owe her everything! She brought me here from the..."
"Let me guess! The French Revolution?"
"Never heard of it. No, I was languishing at the Court of Henry2 when she miraculously appeared and gave me the opportunity to come to"......she makes a sweeping gesture with her arm, "this!"
"What can I do to convince you to leave me alone?" he comes right out with it.
"Nothing, my love. We are star crossed lovers and I shall never leave you......"
"You're nuts! You are totally out of your freakin' mind! You can't have a soulmate or a star-crossed lover unless the other person agrees. And I do not agree, besides, my heart belongs to another.....now, repeat after me.......I......am.....not......your......soulmate!"
She says nothing, but begins to tear up. Oh swell, he thinks, now she's going to use that old trick, trying to get my sympathy, but it won't work. Let her sit there and cry; I'm going back to my hotel.
He gets up suddenly and walks rapidly toward said hotel. 'Belle' is still sitting at the cafe crying. Well, let her cry, he thinks, she's a first class nutcase!
He hears, "Psssst!" and looks to his right. There stands none other than WandaSue, aka Susan Hemingway.
Ohhh no, not two of them in the same day! What am I being punished for? Haven't I suffered enough? But noooooo.....they badger me even across the ocean........
WandaSue falls into step with him.
"Look here, you creep, you thought you could get away with leaving me just one lousy dollar in your will. But I'm here to tell you that I can't be bought off that easily...."
"OH?! And how about that million you extorted back a few weeks ago?"
"That was a pretty good payday, I'll have to admit, but look here, mister, I want another million and then maybe, just maybe, I'll go away. I know you're alive, and if you don't pay up, little Rosebud will find out, too, if she hasn't already. What was that deal you tried to pull when she was in Paris? You kept showing up wherever she went. You didn't think I noticed that? Ahhhhhh, you sap, I notice everything and don't you forget it! Now, about the next million......"
"All my assets are tied up in a trust fund for my daughter," he tells her truthfully.
"You had better find a way to un-tie them, buddy boy, because if you don't, I TELL!"
With that she flounces off.
Billy Bob enters the hotel, goes straight to his room and collapses on the bed. "I'd be better off if I had been murdered! Now what am I going to do?"


IS THAT REALLY A GOOD IDEA?.....by Coralynn

"And then I chopped his head off!" Hotspur laughs gleefully.
"You did what?!" Mike is aghast, "Men in Atlantis never had to do anything like that. We had no wars. We had no power, either. Women were in charge. We were like their slaves!"
Hotspur shakes his head in disbelief, "I cannot picture it! I cannot! What a travesty! You're better off living here with us. Ya know, though, it gets mighty crowded around here with so many people. Hey! why don't you and I get our own place? I make a pile of money selling real estate. We could rent us a....."
Bethia comes in looking for Eleanor and hears this last part.
"You could rent the upper flat at the blue house," she tells them, "It's been sitting empty for months, and it's completely furnished! I could cut you a deal on the rent."
Mike looks at Hotspur for guidance on this, but doesn't need it, as Hotspur is all excited and tells Bethia, "It's deal! We'll take it!"
"We will?" Mike thinks things move awfully fast in this century.
"Why not? We can both have our own bedrooms.......in which to entertain the ladies,,,," Hotspur's eyes gleam, "And no William around to disapprove. You haven't been here long enough to know, but William thinks he's the high authority. But at our own place, no one could tell us what to do. Beth! You just found yourself some tenants."
Bethia sits down. "Now, fellas, a little piece of advice: try not to go overboard because you have all this freedom. Mike, it's my understanding that you were very oppressed in Atlantis. Now that you have freedom, try to use a little common sense and restraint."
Hotspur laughs and slaps his thigh, "That's a woman for ya, they try to tamp down the fires of the man. Bethia here is a modern woman, what does she know about the tyranny under which you had to live, lad?"
Bethia is becoming annoyed, "Look, Hotspur, I was born in 1612 in England, which was not a good place to be if you were in a Puritan family. We braved the high seas to sail here, and it was hell. We finally got here and then the Puritans got so power-mad that we were all treated harshly and controlled to a degree you have never experienced. You probably have, though, Mike. In this case it was the women who got the raw deal, too. So don't tell me I know nothing about oppression!"
Hotspur reels back in his chair, "I had no idea! Well, Bethia, you seem like a modern woman. My mistake! You're what........almost 400 years old! You look bonny for someone of that age..."
Bethia softens, "I don't know if anyone has told you yet, fellas, but......time travelers don't age. Whatever age you are when you begin time traveling is the age you will always be."
Mike and Hotspur make silly faces at each other. Then Hotspur yells out, "We can have wild parties now for the next thousand years!"
"Sssshhhhhhhh," Mike puts his finger across his lips, "Don't let Father William hear that!"


INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW......by Terri

Rosamond stood under the shower at the studio and let the hot water run over her. Damn! How did I let her sucker me into that? She wiggled her nose with her fingers.
It seems OK--guess it will be swollen a bit. She looked at the scratches on her chest and her back. At least she got the worst of it. Why can't things just go smoothly for John and me just once? Could he have really....? No, look how long it took ME to break through his reserves. She's just a vindictive cow.

Rose stepped out of the shower. As she was drying off there was a knock at the door. She opened it and there stood Gwen. Gwen had a dress in her hands. "I thought you would need this. Your shirt had blood on it--what was left of it!"
Rosamond smiled ruefully. "I guess we made quite a spectacle of ourselves."
Gwen smiled back. "Yes--the crew started taking bets like it was a cockfight! You were the favored, 5 to 1."
"I hope they made money on it. I'd hate to disappoint them."
John appeared in the doorway just then. Rosamond said to him, "Do I still have a job or did Marty fire me?"
He said quietly, "Yes, you are still employed. Now what was that all about? I think it was totally uncalled for, Rose."
"Uncalled for? What does that mean? She told me the two of you....I mean, when you and I were split up..."
"And you believed her? How could you even think that?"
"Hey, I was just looking for a reason to punch her lights out. Because of her I almost lost you."
John put his arms around her and touched her nose. Rosamond winced. "Honey, you'll never lose me. We are committed for life! Are you up for the 5:30 class? I could get Brad to take it."
"No, I'll take it. I am so pumped up right now you should feel sorry for them! And I have never seen a more pitiful sight in my life than Moose crying."

Penelope Patterson sat in her apartment, moaning to her sister about the shabby treatment she got at the studio and the catfight. "I don't know, Barb, I just have to make those two pay for what they've done to me. First I lost John to her and then my job."
Barb said, "Uh, Penny, you never really had him, did you?"
"She's a witch--she's cast a spell over him! If he wasnt' so bewitched he would have been with ME that night! He was a perfect gentleman, darn it! It would have been half the fun breaking him down. I'm going to ruin her!"
"But how? She's got the guy and the job!"
Penelope said, "Well, I heard she was bought and paid for by him. Why I don't know. She certainly isn't worth 100,000.00. I wonder if it was all at once or on an installment plan? You know what that makes her?"
"A cheap slut?"
"A HOOKER, Barb! Oh! And get this! I overheard John say to Marty Henshaw that he likes to relax with cocaine! I don't get it! He doesn't have that cocaine hairline or sniffle like one. And are you ready for this? They are into video. I heard John say that Rosamond de Clifford's in a bordello with a madam."
"Hey, that would make him a bordello fellow! He certainly doesn't look like the type unless he's really weird on stuff...."
"Boy, would that not sink their careers if any of this got out?"
Penelope opened the box of Clairol's Nice 'n Easy Red Flame. "And just look what she did to my hair! Pink streaks all through it."
"Did you get her good?"
"Not like I would have liked to. I did bloody that snooty nose of hers. Bet it doesn't look so pert now! Ooooh, my head! She must have pounded it on the floor five or six times."
"Here, Penny, let me help you before you get hair dye all over the place. What are you going to do?"
Penelope picked up the newspapers from the coffee table. She started to fold them up and then her eye caught a headline. It said, "Star Caught in Love Nest!" "My Baby was Fathered by a Space Alien!" "Rock Star Found out to be Cross Dresser!"
She quickly thumbed through the paper. "I've got an idea--I've got a GREAT idea!"
"What are you going to do?"
"Just you watch and hand me that telephone. With one call I will torpedo both of them!"


"So, Miss Patterson, what will you have?"
Penelope was seated in the restaurant in a respectable navy blue suit. She had a red scarf to accessorize. Huh! Can't accessorize, huh? Penelope leaned towards the reporter, Darren, and said, "I'll have the shrimp platter."
After their orders were given, Darren asked her, "So let's get down to the story. You said you had information about Rosamond de Clifford and John Gwinnett. If is it usable, we are prepared to pay you 25,000.00. If it is sensational, we will pay 50,000.00."
Penelope leaned back in her chair. "Prepare to make the check out for 75,000.00 because what I am about to tell you will knock your readers' socks off!"
Darren got out his tape recorder. Penelope shook her head. "No tape. You can write it down but no tape."
Darren put it away and picked up his notebook and pen."Fair enough."
Penelope said, "Now, this has to be from either an 'anonymous source' or 'a close friend'. After what she did to my face, I think 'close' describes our relationship!"

Darren looked at her expectantly. "OK, let's start with John Gwinnett."
Penelope said, "He is a cokehead.I overheard him talking to Marty Henshaw his producer as how he likes to relax in the evenings with a line of coke. I used to date him so I would know. He freebases, too. He was at a party with me a few months ago. He was so strung out on coke that he didnt' sleep for three days. It's a wonder the man is still alive. I mean, he's totally wired. He told me that he would never inject, that he was afraid of contracting some dreaded disease with needles. That used to be a big argument with him and Rosamond de Clifford. She was more into popping pills and would only do a line of coke at a party. She would take pills in the morning to wake up and pills at night to come down. Unless she was partying, then she would take the uppers. I am surprised no one has taken her kids away yet. Guess it's because she has a nanny practically raising them. That ranch that she lives on? I'll bet you will find pot growing out there in the meadows and the woods. I know John is really partial to mushrooms. Yep, but that's not all."
Darren sat there with his mouth open. Penelope was ready to play her trump card.

"It's about Rosamond de Clifford. And I got this straight from John Gwinnett. She used to be a call girl. Very high priced. In fact, he paid 100,000 to spend one night with her. She worked in a bordello outside of Reno. Very exclusive. Her madam was a woman named Susan. I won't give you her last name. I heard it all started when she was 15. Her mother sold her out to a man named Henry. Never did find out his last name. He was an older and powerful man. I think he was in politics. Shipped her over to France for further education. If you know what I mean! She came over to the United States under the management of William Conqueror. Yep, that very same one! Turns out he was a flesh peddler and gourmet cook. Well, the way I heard it, she was turned over to this Susan when Conqueror decided to concentrate on a different sort of 'fresh meat'! Now, this Susan was into porn movies. She would video tape encounters for people. I am sure if you look hard enough you will find a dearth of skin flicks starring little Miss de Clifford. I heard she got pregnant and didn't even have the slightest idea who the father of her last child was. Yes, she has two children. I think she was turning tricks right up until the time she decided to take that Montgomery guy for everything. And that lasted about a month until she was back to her usual tricks. If you pardon the expression."
Darren sat there shaking his head in disbelief. "Are you sure?" he whispered.
Penelope leaned back confidently. "Oh, yes! You don't hang around a studio for six months and not hear stuff! Everyone knew it. Rumour had it she was tired of Montgomery and wanted to inherit everything. So she and Gwinnett arranged to have him 'bumped off!' But it backfired on her and his daughter inherited everything."
Darren frantically took notes. "This is great--just GREAT! And you know this for a fact?"

"Definitely. She hates my guts because I know all this and I replaced her in John Gwinnett's affections." Penelope sighed. "I just had to get out of that relationship. John kept pining for me but I couldn't take his violent mood swings. He pleaded with me to take him back. He started to stalk me, sending me flowers and notes and showing up at my door. Some nights he would just stand under the streetlight staring into my windows. He would follow me and one time he left 143 messages on my answering machine. He was obsessed with me. Finally he gave up after I threatened to call the police on him. Yes, he and Rosamond de Clifford got back together. You know, birds of a feather...."
Darren folded up his notebook, took out a check and wrote in 75,000.00. "Miss Patterson, thank you so much. And we won't use your name in any of this."
"Any idea when this will hit the fan...uh, the stands?" Darren smiled. "If I hurry back to the office and start typing, I would say in four days." "Excellent."
Darren got up and shook her hand. "Thank you again, Miss Patterson."
Penelope smiled slyly. "Excuse me...but make that 'a close friend'!", picked up her purse and walked out, 75,000.00 richer and no less of a witch than she already was.


HITS THE FAN...........by Coralynn

"Tis a fine morn indeed!" William declares as he pours his first cup of coffee.
Eleanor wanders into the kitchen, yawning, "Looks like a good day. It'll be autumn before long, William, then brrrrr, winter!"
William grins, "Throw on some clothes, Eleanor so you and I can jog to the Grand Union. No sense waiting till the snow flies!"
"Point well taken, William, just let me drink some coffee first and maybe we can even race to the store?"
"I wouldn't go so far as to agree to that!" he objects, "You are more fit than I, after all!"
"You'd be more 'fit' if you lost your taste for danish pastry!" she says, laughing.
"Ahhhhh, one of the pleasures of life!" he answers as he lifts a cheese danish to his lips.

When William and Eleanor start out on their jog, cars passing by slow and ask if they'd like a lift. They wave them on with determination.
"Did the Grand Union used to be so far away?" William asks, huffing and puffing.
"Yep, they didn't move it farther down the road in the past two years, William, but you, my friend, have gained, how shall I say it, a TON ?"
"That's all in the past now," he stops to catch his breath, "No more danish! No more cream puffs! No more......"
"Cheesecake?" she fills in.
They arrive at the store and, limping just a bit, William holds the door for Eleanor to enter before him. Then he stands there holding on to the door, taking several deep breaths.
"Get in here!" she laughs, but her laugh fades as the first thing she sees are stacks of National Enquirers on the rack just inside the entrance.
She gasps, "What is THIS?!"
William picks up a copy as well and blanches, "Oh no! Someone has made up a pack of lies about Rose! Listen to this: "......Rose was brought to this country as a prostitute in the employ of......." he almost yells, "......William Conqueror?! The flesh peddlar?"
They both read the article from beginning to end. The young man working the counter yells out, "Ya want the paper, ya buy it first, folks!"
Eleanor throws some bills on the counter and motions for William to follow her outside. They sit on some benches just outside the store.
"This is going to ruin me!" he exclaims, "Flesh peddlar? They even say I am also a chef. Well now, how hard will it be for people to connect that up with my William the Conquering Chef TV show? I ask you?"
Since William is becoming extremely agitated, Eleanor puts his hand on his arm and says soothingly, "William, everyone knows these tabloids are full of lies. How many people do you think take this garbage seriously?"
"It's still bad publicity! I don't appreciate my name being besmirched in any way, not ever!"
"If you think you're 'besmirched' as you put it, imagine how this is going to make Rose and John feel! This article says John is a cokehead," then when William looks at her not understanding the term, she explains, "a cokehead is someone addicted to cocaine. This actually could impact his career on the soap opera. Rose is raked over the coals so thoroughly, and in so many ways that she has good reason to sue the paper. In fact, I'll suggest it. Patrick O'Malley is the type of lawyer who would relish taking on something like this! Let's go home, William. We might as well show this disgusting yellow journalism to Rose and John before anyone else gets a chance to!"

As they walk, not jog, back home, William moans, "All I wanted was for us all to live in peace and harmony away from the intrigues of the Court. Looks like we traded one set of problems for another."
"And that would be...."
"The Press! The #%$&*$% Press! the Media! The 'inquiring minds want to know' bunch of brain-damaged, IQs in the single digits, ravening wolves....."
They finally reach the house on Winding Willow. By this time all five of William's regular morning newspapers are lying on the driveway.
"At least I can read these in relative safety.....or can I?" he opens to the front page of the local paper and reads, "Vice Squad to investigate Celebrity Commune on Winding Willow."
"AARRGGHH!" he yells at the top of his voice. A window opens in the house next door, and a woman's voice yells out, "Do you mind? Some of us are still trying to sleep!"


HITS THE FAN, part 2....by Terri

The scripts were read, rehearsed, makeup and wardrobe done, taped and it was wrapped up.
"And all in four days, John! Now we have the rest of the week off."
"How's the nose feeling?"
Rosamond wiggled it with her fingers. "I think it's all better now. I really lucked out on that one. I can't believe I was clumsy enough to let her punch me like that."
John chuckled. "You sure got even with her."
Rosamond groaned. "If I never hear the name Penelope Patterson again, I'll die a happy woman. Symbolically speaking since we are 'immortal' now!"
They made their way to the car and headed back home to Winding Willow. "Hi, we're home! How's my baby?" Rose shouted. Will was sitting at the table with his chocolate milk and his powdered donut.
"Hi, Mommy!"
Rose tried to put a stern look on her face. "Don't 'hi mommy' me, young man. What have I told you? WHITE milk....and no more donuts! Next time you get an apple."
Will gave her a mischievous look, crossed his eyes and stuck his tongue out at her. Rose tried to keep a straight face and started laughing. "Oh, Will! Keep that up and NO girl is ever going to get mad at you!"
"That's what Uncle Daniel said. He said, 'if a chick ever gives you a hard time, either make a face or plant one right on her kisser! He said that always worked with you, Mommy! He said it can take you to Paradise. What does he mean by that, Mommy?"
Rose gasped.
John said, "It looks like Uncle Daniel is going to get a talking to!"
Rose asked Will, "Where's Grandma Celeste and Poppy William?"
Will shrugged. "I think they went into the living room. You know those funny sounds Poppy William makes when he doesn't like something in the newspaper? The one where Auntie Eleanor said he sounds like he's a chicken trying to lay an egg? He and Aunt Eleanor came back from the store and Poppy made a sound like that. But Aunt Eleanor wasn't laughing this time. She looked kind of pissed off..."
Rose was shocked."Will! Where did you hear a word like that?"
"From..."
John and Rose said together, "Uncle Daniel."
Rose shook her head. "That's the last time Uncle Daniel takes you fishing."

Rosamond and John went into the living room. William was sitting in his Laz-e-Boy with a cold cloth on his head, his eyes closed and he moaned. Celeste sat by him on the ottoman and patted his hand, making comforting noises. Eleanor sat there surrounded by newspapers and was reading aloud. John and Rosamond stopped short. Rosamond whispered to Eleanor, "Is he alright?"
Eleanor frowned. "Not really. I think he is on the verge of a stroke!"
Eleanor turned the page of the Enquirer around. The main article blared, 'PLANET STAR FORMER TEEN-AGE CALL GIRL' and the secondary article read, 'CO-STAR IS COKED UP STALKER!'

Rose and John both tried to sink down in the same chair at the same time and both knocked each other out of it. John seemed to grab for the paper from Eleanor in slow motion. Rosamond sat there totally numb. Their pictures from the Award show stared back at them.
John read,
As the Planet Turns appears to have a real-life soap opera going on. Sources have revealed that the star Rosamond de Clifford has had first hand experience in her role as Daisy, the prostitute turned madam. A close personal friend has revealed she knew Miss de Clifford as a teenager. Miss de Clifford's mother was 'agent' for her daughter by setting her up with an older man, whose name will only be revealed as 'Henry'. 'Henry' is purported to be a rich and powerful politician, rumoured to be a member of the House of Lords. Eventually Miss de Clifford came under the tutelage of William Conqueror. The source said "William used to sell 'fresh meat' but now he just marinates and barbeques it, not just sells it."
Conqueror came over to this country bringing a young Miss de Clifford with him. Miss de Clifford eventually came under the employment of 'Susan' ( last name withheld) in a bordello in Reno, Nevada. "She commmanded a high price" noting that a prominent actor once paid 100,000.00 to spend just one night with her.
It has been revealed that Miss de Clifford has starred in several underground adult films, most notably in "Oooh, Baby-Baby" and "Stella Does the Upper West Side."
Miss de Clifford was most recently in the news with the murder of her husband, noted Westchester County rancher and horsebreeder William Robert Montgomery who was found shot to death under suspicious circumstances in his Mercedes on Rt 141 in early July.
The investigation is still ongoing, according to Officer Travis McGee. Miss de Clifford and Mr. Montgomery were wed in a whirlwind courtship in New Orleans in October 2002.

Rose sat there wordlessly, her face alternating between red and white, with white winning out. John shook his head and continued to read.

Actor John Gwinnett,. also star of the soap As The Planet Turns, is purported to be a habitual cocaine user. A friend has agreed to talk to the Enquirer in hopes that Mr. Gwinnett 'will get the help he needs before he kills himself or someone else.'
The friend is quoted as saying, "I have been to parties with John where the first thing he will do is take out a packet of cocaine and do a line. He's totally wired."
Mr. Gwinnett has also been known to have an affinity for hallucinogenic mushrooms. He is reported to have been resuming his relationship with Miss Rosamond de Clifford, co-star and subject of the previous article.
The same friend went on to confess, "Poor Rose has been popping pills for the last four years. She takes them to stay awake and takes them to go to sleep. Unfortunately she has her days and nights mixed up. It's the 'Judy Garland' syndrome. All their friends are praying they get the help they need and come out from under this cloud of suspicion in regards to the untimely death of Mr. Montgomery, Miss de Clifford's former husband.
The friend was quoted as saying, "I am SURE that Rosamond and John had nothing to do with the death of her husband. Especially since it was found in the will to have left all his assets to his alleged daughter Julie Beth Montgomery, age four months."

John looked up and said quietly, "There's just more of the same. Even the daily papers have picked up the story."
The phone rang. Eleanor answered it. "NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT!" and slammed the phone down. "That was that guy from E-entertainment TV wanting an exclusive on his show, 'Mysteries and Scandals'"
Eleanor sighed and said, "Fasten your seatbelts, kids. It's gonna be a bumpy ride!"


WILLIAM STRIKES BACK...........by Coralynn

"Patrick O'Malley's office!" the receptionest announces as she chews on a big bite of salad.
"My dear girl, you must never answer the phone with your mouth full of food, now.....I wish to speak to Mr. O'Malley. Is he in?"
"Who's calling?" She audibly swallows a bite.
"William Conqueror....."
He can hear her choking on her food, then in haste she replies, "......well, yes.....of course......I'll ring his office....."
"William!" the jovial voice of Patrick O'Malley comes over the line, "What can I do for you today, as if I didn't know!"
"I take it you've seen the National Enquirer!"
"Well, yes, my receptionest subscribes to it and brings it in so we can keep up with the latest slander and libel suit possibilites. I assume that's why you phoned."
"Yes, that's the reason alright. How fast can you file a libel suit against the Enquirer?"
"I'll have my secretary draw up the papers.......can you be here at 3 this afternoon to sign them?"
"With bells on!" William agrees.
"How much are you suing for?"
"It's not so much the amount of money I'm asking for, it's that I insist on a written apology and retraction on the front page of that rag in precisely the same spot as that scurrilous story appeared. That's more important than the money."
"Yeah, but, if you hit them in the pocketbook good and hard, they're more apt to think twice the next time some dubious 'source' tells them something about you."
"Fine. Ask for a hundred thousand."
"Pocket change to them.....how about a million? That oughta get their attention."
"Fine. Ask for a million. I'll be in to sign the papers later. Thanks, Patrick, it's good doing business with you."
"Hey! No problem! That's what I'm here for!"
They both hang up.
William feels less like a victim now that he's set the legal ball in motion, and decides to act on his next resolution while he's in his assertive mode. He flips to the yellow pages and sees where the Jenny Craig meeting places are. Jotting down some phone numbers and addresses, he leaves the house and walks over to Henry8's castle.
He rings the doorbell many times before a disheaveled Henry opens the door and peers out.
"What'd'ya want, William? You woke me from a sound sleep!"
"You should have been up hours ago, Henry. Jamming late into the night were you?"
"Yes. Luke thinks his 10th Symphony for jazz ensemble is now letter perfect, or shall we say, note perfect? He's trying to find a place to perform it for the public now. Know any good large halls he can rent or maybe someplace like....."
"Carnegie Hall? I doubt they'd want to stage it unless he told them he was really Ludwig van Beethoven, which would certainly draw a huge crowd, but might attract the media and the psychological profession to look into his claim. I'll keep my eyes peeled for one he can rent. Now, may I come in?"
"Sure! Don't mind the mess...."
William steps into the castle. 'Mess' is an understatement. Pizza boxes are lying around on most every surface, clothes are thrown on the floor, and the air is putrid.
"How can you live like this?" William frowns, "But I didn't come to critique your housekeeping, I came to invite you to accompany me to Jenny Craig this evening."
"Jenny, huh? Someone you're dating? Does she have a friend for me?"
"NO, Henry, you randy old goat, I'm talking about the place where you go to lose weight."
Henry holds up his hands as a shield in front of his face and takes several steps backward. "Lose weight? Whatever for?!"
"You and I are fat, Henry. Not just pleasantly plump...fat. We can hardly waddle from place to place. Do you enjoy being like that?"
Henry scratches the back of his neck, "Never really thought about it. I've gotten so used to it that I don't notice it anymore."
"So is that a yes or a no?"
"Sure, I'll go with you for moral support, though I'm not that eager to be slim. It would spoil my image, ya know!"
William shakes his head. "I'll pick you up at 7. Or better, yet, waddle over to our house at 6:30."
"Will do!!" Henry agrees as William goes back outside and returns to the house.
This oughta be something to see, he thinks, Henry the 8th at a Jenny Craig meeting. Shall I alert the media? with that he laughs, ahhhh yes, the media, when I got done with that Enquirer tabloid, they'll wish they'd gone into an honest business like garbage disposal!!


YOU TWO SUE, TOO!!.....by Terri

Rosamond and John went upstairs in a state of shock. Rosamond threw herself on the bed and started to cry into her pillow.
"How can we show our faces on the planet Earth again? I'm ruined--you're ruined...our children's lives are ruined...." she wailed.
John rubbed her shoulders. "Honey, this isn't something new for us. We've been on the tabloids before."
"Yes, but it was my fault back then. I had NOTHING to do with this one. These were out and out lies! You---a drug addict! Me--a hooker! Who can be so vicious? Our careers are ruined, too! And what will Marty say?"
"Honey, when you were in the bathroom throwing up---" John hesitated. "Uh, you aren't....are you?" Rose shook her head no. ".....I called Marty. He said since the tabloids came out, the Planet's website had 20,000 hits. An adult movie store is trying to find "Oooh, Baby, Baby" and Marty has a copy he is putting on EBay along with "Stella Does the Upper West Side."

Rosamond laughed as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "Marty is into porn?"
John smiled. "No, Marty is into 'art films' as he calls them."
"But John--that wasn't me!"
"She must look quite a bit like you to pass for you, though."
"John, what should we do? We can't let them get away with this."
"Let's call Patrick and see what he advises."
John hunted for Patrick O'Malley's number and dialed it. Explaining the situation, he was patched through to Patrick.
"Hey, John, how's it going....as if I need to ask."
"You saw it then?"
"William is one step ahead of you. He's already retained me to represent him. He is suing for a million dollars and a retraction. Want the same for you and Rosamond?"
"It would be great. Any way to find out who the 'source' is?"
"Doubtful, John. First amendment, freedom of the press, that sort of stuff. You remember that from high school, don't you?"
John hesitated. "Oh, yes...sure! The first amendment!"
"How's Rosamond? As if she hasn't had enough crap in her life to deal with, huh?"
"Rosamond is pretty upset. She can't figure out who...would...want...to...uh, Patrick? I--I'd better go. I'll talk to you later!"

John replaced the receiver slowly. "Honey, who would want to hurt us more than anyone right now?"
"Billy Bob---but he's dead. Daniel? No, he'd never jeopardize his job...uh, oh! NO! Please don't say it's HER?"
John shrugged. "Who else would want to strike out at us?"
"John, if it IS her, I swear I will kill her."
John said soothingly to her, "Let's just wait and see. Patrick will take our case. Someone is going to pay!"

Travis McGee sat at his desk and folded up the paper. He leaned back. Well, well, well! These two are LOADED with dirty little secrets! Alan Carson came in and kicked Travis' feet off the desk.
"Any progress in the Montgomery case, hotshot?"
Travis said, "Well, yes and no."
"Meaning....?"
Travis held up the daily newspaper and then a copy of the Enquirer. Carson took then gingerly by the corner and dropped them on his desk. "And you believe this crock of...?"
Travis said defensively, "Where there's smoke there's fire, Carson!"
Carson shook his head. "And you believe in the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus and that people are basically decent, is that right, Beaver?"
Travis glowered. "Stop calling me that! Yes, I think it's true! It all fits! The times that I busted them down at Venus Point? Well, I think she was entertaining him as a client!"
Carson groaned. "Get real, McGee! High priced hookers do NOT do business in the front seat--and there IS no backseat in case you didn't know it--of a Corvette! Besides, John Gwinnett is one good looking guy. He'd never have to pay anyone!"
Travis muttered, "Yeah, that was probably what they said about Hugh Grant!"
Then Travis said, "What about drugs? Maybe that fitness center is just a cover for a drug running operation!"
Carson yelled over his shoulder to Donatello, "HEY! CAN YOU PAIR ME UP WITH A PARTNER WITH SOME BRAINS FOR A CHANGE?"
To Travis he said, "What planet are you coming from anyway? Those stories are 100% made up. Just to sell these rags."
Travis said adamantly, "I am right and I know it! Don't make me go over your head, Alan!"
"You've gone over my head so many times, sonny, I have footprints on my scalp!"
But Travis said, "Well, I'm going to bust this case wide open. I'll see him behind bars!"
Alan shook his head. "You're embarrassing yourself. Come on, I'll see if we can get you a new propellar for that beanie!"


Rosamond splashed cool water on her face and looked in on Julie. She was sleeping peacefully like a baby should. Rose kissed her fingers and laid them on Julie's cheek. How could I have been so lucky? Having a beautiful baby with the man I truly love. She turned the baby monitor on and went downstairs.

William, Eleanor and Celeste were sitting at the table. William said, "Where's John?"
Rosamond said, "He had to go to the fitness center and go over a few things with the bookkeeper. Thank heavens he has an accountant."
Rose plopped herself down in one of the chairs, laid her head on her folded arms and banged her head a few times. William said, "Rosamond, it does no good to fret and fume. We are taking the adult approach. We are suing the bastards."
Rose looked up. "What next, William? All John and I want to do is have a wonderful life together. Is that asking too much?"
"No, Missy, it isn't. But trouble seems to follow you like night does day. Why is that? And we usually get caught in the crosshairs too."
Rose looked up. "I don't know, William. I am sorry it spills over to the people I love. John never asked for any of this. Maybe he would have been happier with someone like Elizabeth."

Eleanor gave her a quick hug. "Ah, but think of all the anguish and torment he would have missed! All the passion and the pain! He would have spent his days hunting and fishing and struggling to survive in a Puritan world and he would have croaked of pneumonia by the time he was 40 and never would have had any children..or known the love of a really good woman!"
Rosamond got up. "Thanks, Eleanor. You always make me feel better. I think I'll take Will and Julie to the park. It's a nice day. And I'll wear sunglasses."
After she left, William turned to Eleanor. "Know what I think? I think Rosamond and John are sleeping together in her room and he gets up early in the morning and sneaks back to his room. Oh, he thinks I don't know about it, but I have an idea that is what goes on. He actually was hiding in the laundry room last week! Tried to tell me he was doing the towels."
Eleanor groaned. "What planet do you live on, William? OF COURSE they are sharing a bed...they have a child, you know! You probably believe that Julie was found in a cabbage patch under a pink or blue cabbage leaf and John and Rose got her from Esmeralda, the Queen Tomato!"
William put a pretend shocked look on his face. "Isn't that the way it happens?"
Eleanor tried to keep a straight face as she thwapped him with the Enquirer. "No, William, let me explain the birds and the bees to you...."


JENNY WHO?!........by Coralynn

William and Henry park outside the address William chose for their Jenny Craig experience. Small building, with a sign saying Jenny Craig on a side door. They enter and are in the midst of more women than they've ever seen congregated in one place before.
"Looks like a bachelor's paradise!" Henry whispers.
"Shhhh, they'll hear you!"
A very thin, stylish woman marches up to them and extends her hand for a shake. "Hello, I'm Pam Hoover, your Jenny Craig facilitator. Would you gentlemen like to sign up for the one month membership or the longer, six months...."
"How long would it take to lose enough weight to look really good at the beach?" William asks.
She laughs and replies, "Let's weigh in and then we'll decide. I think you both could use the 6-month membership, however, if not the year long one. Well, never mind, let's find out where we're starting from..." she gestures toward the weight machine that has those metal bars you slide from place to place. William notices a smaller one and asks why not use that?
"That one only goes to 300 pounds," Pam tells him matter-of-factly.
Several curiosity seekers gather around, but Pam shoos them off. "Men are something of a novelty here, so don't let that bother you........ahh.......you are 480 pounds, what was your name?"
"William." He wonders if he's supposed to give his last name or not; he's heard that at some 12-step programs you're anonymous and don't have to, and can even make up a first name, at least he thinks he remembers hearing that.
As he steps off the weighing machine, she asks, "What is your target weight?"
"Target? As in shooting a gun at a target?"
She laughs indulgently and corrects him, "No, no, I mean what wieght would you like to be?"
"You tell me. What weight should I be?"
"You could lose half your current weight and still be considered full bodied, so how about 240?"
"How long would that take?"
"Depends on you; how closely and carefully you follow the program and eat the food we supply."
Henry gets on the scale, "YOU supply food?"
"Yes," she tells him as she slides the metal pieces around, "If you eat the food you get here, you are guaranteed to lose weight. If, however, you cheat, and eat cheesecake between meals, then it could take forever, and you don't want that, surely."
Henry and William look at each other and make faces.
"Is the stuff edible?!" Henry asks.
"Oh yes, quite, quite!" she finishes sliding the metal pieces around and announces a little too loudly for Henry's liking, "You weigh 550 pounds. You also need to lose at least half that amount, but not too rapidly. Too fast and it throws off your body's chemistry. What was your name?"
"GUS!" he says loudly, thinking that if he never shows his face in this place again, it will make it harder for them to track him down.
"Gus, your target weight is 275 pounds, think you can do it?" she smiles at him.
"I do not know, madame. Depends on the 'food' you said you supply. Now, where can we buy it and go home?"
"Surely you want to stay for the meeting!" Gwen says encouragingly, "It will help you with motivation. Wait till you hear some of the success stories! Why, it brings tears to your eyes."
William and Henry look at each other, shrug, and take seats in the back row.
Pam take the podium and, looking over her notes, asks, "Do we have any success stories to share this evening?"
Several hands go up, she points to one of the women, who stands and tells everyone, "My name is Nancy. I weighed in at 500 pounds right after last Christmas. Now it's August, and I've lost 30 pounds and feel so much happier and better. Just wanted you to know how much I appreciate Jenny Craig!"
Henry turns to William and whispers, "It took her eight months to lose a mere 30 pounds? At that rate, William, we could be here for the next five years!"
"Maybe she cheated and ate cheese-cake between meals!" William whisper back, snickering.
The next woman who stands says in a loud clear voice, "My name is Meg. I weighed 175 pounds this past April when I started the Jenny Craig program. I now weigh 190. I don't get it!!"
All the other women look at her menacingly. She sits.
William and Henry again look at each other and laugh.
"Do we have any really sensational success stories?" the 'facilitator' is getting nervous up there.
"YES! I lost half my body weight in three weeks!" a very emaciated looking woman proclaims. She is so rail thin that the woman sitting next to her has to support her or she wouldn't be able to stand. "I weighed 200 pounds three weeks ago, and now I wiegh 80, which is wonderful considering I'm 5' 9"!!"
William and Henry look at each other with their eyes bugging out of their heads.
"Thank you for sharing," Pam says happily, "Now let us form a circle and sing our Jenny Craig anthem."
The women who have been there before know the procedure and form a huge circle. William and Henry look at each other and shake their heads.
"Let's just buy the food and scram out of here!" Henry suggests as they go to the area where food is sold. They buy huge bags full of it with instruction booklets included. As they pay up and walk toward the exit, they hear the women singing,
"We are Jenny Craig winners! We are thinner every day, We are happy little campers, who would like to play?"
As the leave the building, Henry tells William, "That is the dumbest song I have ever heard. Who made that up, some 6 year old?"
William, laden down with a month's supply of food, rests it on the hood of his car and laughs, "Henry, this had better work, because I don't think my masculinity could take too many more of those awful meetings!"
As they drive back to the big house, Henry asks, "How about we compete to see who can lose weight the fastest? That's a 'man' thing......."
"OK, pal, you're ON!" William laughs as he turns a corner too sharply and the bags of food in the back seat tip over and spill all over the floor.


THE STAFF OF LIFE.............by Coralynn

"What do you have there, William?" Eleanor peers at William's plate as he sits devouring something she has never seen before.
"This was partially your idea, Eleanor. Henry and I went to a Jenny Craig meeting and signed up! This," pointing with distain to his plate, "is the food we're expected to eat. Nothing else but water, and this!, he holds up a forkfull as Eleanor gets closer to see what it is.
"What do they call that stuff?" she asks, trying not to show her revulsion.
"Oh, let's see, it says on this container that it's lunch......just 'Lunch #4'.......and, if I get out this booklet and look it up, it says.......just a minute, let me find it.......OK, here it is. It's a balanced mixture of protein from soy beans, powdered vegetables......let' see, it's supposed to have carrots, and broccoli, vitamin fortified with all the vitamins in the alphabet, ohhhhh and calcium, too. Not too bad a taste.......here......have some!"

She jumps backward, "I wouldn't want to take what little nourishment you have away from you, William. Since that meal doesn't look in any way like your usual hamburger and fries, you need every morsel of it."
"I stirred in some oregano," he admits, "It makes it taste like an Italian dish.........then, tomorrow, if I want to stir in chili powder, it will probably taste like a Spanish dish..........the possibilties are endless!"
"Did Henry8 go with you to your Jenny Craig meeting?" she asks.
By now Jack, Bess, and Marthy are clustered around, peering at William's repast.
"Yes. We have a contest to see who loses the most weight! I intend to win if I have to eat this.......this.......stuff for a year!"
"What about the food on your cooking show, though, isn't that going to tempt you?" Jacks asks.
"I will stuff cotton up my nose!" William proclaims, "Half of the appeal of high calorie food is the aroma, so........I just won't be able to smell it, ergo........"
"Not meaning to change the subject, William," Eleanor does just that, "but did you know Mike and Hotspur are about to move?"
"Move? Move? Why would they do that?"
"It seems that Hotspur wants to have more freedom to do what he wants......"
"Ridiculous! What can he do somewhere else that he can't do here? He has a nice room, he goes to work from here, comes home here, eats here..."
Eleanor gives him a meaningful look.
"OH!" he gets it.
"They're renting the top flat at the blue house," Eleanor explains, "and, since it's furnished, they can just move right in. I thought I'd better mention this to you now, as they're packing up their belongings right now."

"Thank you, Eleanor. Why couldn't they have told me, though? What am I, some kind of monster?"
Eleanor laughs, "Of course not. But sometimes you take your 'house rules' a bit too seriously. For instance, Rose and John are, supposedly, sleeping in separate rooms. That's ludicrous and you know it!"

William puts down his fork and purses his lips, "I was King of England, the very first King of England that amounted to anything. I am used to being in charge, and you know it, and maybe even understand it. If I were to live in a place where there were no rules, no perameters, no structure....."
"As laid down by you, though, no one else. That's the problem. Have you ever called a family meeting and asked the rest of us to draw up a list of 'house rules'? Of course not. In order to live autonymous lives, people have to move out!"
"Well, Bethia never complained!" he whines.
"But Bethia was raised a Puritan! Even though she's come a long ways, she never had a wild-child streak like most of the rest of us have."
"DO you?"
"Sure. Bear in mind I went on the Crusades. Women didn't do things like that, but I did. I am a mold-breaker, maybe even a rule-breaker. You haven't had trouble with me because I'm mature enough to know how to do whatever I want to and not make myself so obvious that I run headlong into your 'rules.'"
"My, my! It sounds like I'm coming across as a tyrant! I am not a tyrant....."
"No, you are not, William. But, just for practice, I suggest you inform John and Rose that they are to share a bedroom........yes, yes, look at me, William........tell them to move into whichever room they want, but move in together. This may stick in your throat, but it would be a great test of your willingness to treat others as equals."
"Equals?"

She picks up a newspaper and swats him over the head, "Equals!"
"Ohhhh, very well! Next time I see either of them, I will force myself to instruct them that they are to share a bedroom immediately, if not sooner." he shakes his head in disbelief. Has the Conqueror come to this?!


WELL, LOOKY WHAT WE HAVE HERE......!"....by Terri

John finished all his phone calls at the gym and leaned back in his chair. It was mid-morning and he was on his second protein shake. This is working out well, he thought. Rosamond and I work so well together that we can rehearse our lines at home. That cuts down on one day at the studio and I can spend half my time here.
He thought to himself, if it wasn't for Penelope Patterson and her lies, things would be a whole lot easier. Marty Henshaw called and said as soon as it was announced that he and Rose were coming back, the ratings shot up to #1. They hadn't hit #1 since Rose was forced to take a leave of absence or quit, whatever that cowboy said. How long ago was that, back in October?

John looked up from his desk and saw Officer Travis McGee and another officer he didn't recognize come in. McGee stood and knocked on the door.
"Come in." John said warily.
Travis McGee stood there with a piece of paper in his hand. The other officer, Joe Malone, looked around like he wished he could be anywhere else but there in an official capacity.
John said cooly, "What can I do you for, McGee?"
Travis McGee got a very self-confident look on his face. "I have here a search warrant for these premises and your vehicle."
John looked astonished. "FOR WHAT?"
Travis said, "Suspicion of drug smuggling and possession of illegal substances."
Malone looked around like he wanted to stay and work out. He wandered over to the treadmill.
"And what basis did you get your warrant on?"
"From an anonymous source."
"Are you talking about that damn article in that rag?"
Travis waved him away. "And your little honey is next. She will be investigated for prostitution."

'ROSE? You actually believe that she is a PROSTITUTE? The woman was married to one of the biggest ranchers in New York and is an actress in a top soap. Why do you think she would resort to turning tricks? She doesn't need the money!"
Travis said, "Hey, buddy! Nymphos don't do it for the money."
John balled up his fist but caught himself. Don't need to get arrested for assault and battery on a police officer. Think of Rose. Think of the kids. "Let me see that!" John held out his hand and Travis handed it to him. "And don't think of tearing it up, I have copies." John grabbed the phone. "I'm calling my lawyer."
Travis put his hand over John's on the receiver. "Afraid, Gwinnett?"
John sat back down. "Oh, go ahead. Search away. But if you disturb anyone, I'll sue you for harrassment."
Travis turned to go. "We'll start with your car."
John threw him the keys. "Just make sure you turn the alarm off."
Within 30 seconds John heard, 'beep-beep-beep-beep..."
What a moron! he thought. John went out there and Travis had the alarm thing pointed at the car and kept pressing the button. Malone stood there eating a jelly donut. John walked over calmly, took it out of McGee's hand, pointed it at the car and pressed the button. The beeping stopped.
John unlocked the doors and pocketed his keys. "I guess you don't need an alarm on a 1972 Nova, do you, McGee?"
John went back inside. What does he expect to find?

Travis McGee started with the glove compartment. To Malone he said, "Take out your notebook and write down what I tell you. Let's make an inventory. Then hand me all those 'evidence bags' and we'lll bag everything we find and send them to the lab for any traces of illegal substances."

He went through the glove compartment. "OK--here, hand me some bags. We have..a manual for a 2001 Corvette....a receipt for an oil change.....salt and pepper shakers?.. a menu from that new restaurant....insurance card....registration....kleenex....bank deposit envelopes for the ATM...this guy is so neat it's scary, maybe he's a Nazi!.... lipstick, light pink, just like her lips..a bottle of perfume, (Travis stops and smells it, closes his eyes) Malone said, "Officer McGee? McGee? Is that all?"
Travis immediatly came down to earth and said brusquely, "I think that's all in the glove compartment. Let's start taking the seats out and ripping up the carpet."
Malone was shocked. "Are you kidding? There's nothing in here!"
Travis narrowed his eyes. "Who is the senior officer here, Malone?" "You are."
"And what does that mean to you?"
Malone shrugged his shoulders. Travis snapped, "It means what I say goes! And now help me take these seats out!"
Malone sighed and helped him unbolt the seats. Travis leaned down. "What have we here?"
Travis held out several little pills that had little teddy bears on them. Travis bagged them. "I think they are ecstacy pills. They have been known to come in various shapes. I think we got him on this! No wonder he and that bimbo are so loving towards each other! They are on ecstacy!"

Malone shook his head. "Uh, McGee, I think those are..."
"What? WHAT?"
Malone shut up. Travis ripped up the carpetiing. He started to chuckle. "We got him on the good stuff. Oh, this is just great!"
Travis took a knife and scraped up a white powdery substance he found in between the seats. "It's not much--but enough to get him! This is FABULOUS! Now his little honey can have conjugal visits!"

Travis and Malone came into the office. Malone looked at John with a questioning look and just shrugged. Travis said, "John Gwinnett, I am arresting you for suspicion of possession of ecstacy tablets and cocaine possession."
John jumped up. "WHAT? Are you out of your mind?"
But Travis slapped the cuffs on him and said, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law....."


McGee opened the jail cell and practically threw John in it. He dusted off his hands. "Let's see how you talk your way out of THIS one!"
Malone meanwhile fetched Officer Alan Carson. Alan came into the squad room and said, "What the HELL is going on, John?"
John lifted up his cuffed hands pointed. He said, "Ask Dick Tracy over there."
Travis announced proudly, "I got him redhanded this time! Suspicion of ecstacy and cocaine possession."

John shook his head. "That's IMPOSSIBLE!"
Travis motioned Alan over and said in a low voice, "Malone and I got a search warrant and we found illegal substances in his car."
Alan looked over at Malone. "Is this true?"
Malone just shrugged and helped himself to another jelly donut.
Travis said, "I sent the substances to the lab. Should hear back this afternoon."
John said, "Hey, Alan! Tell Carmine I get my one phone call."
Alan opened the cell door. He produced a handcuff key and quietly said to John, "I don't know what gets into that Mickey Mouse club reject." He uncuffed John. John rubbed his wrists. "I DO get one phone call, right, Alan?"
Alan said, "Make as many as you want to, John."
Travis sat there and glared.
John reached over and dialed Rosamond's cellphone number.

"Hello?"
"HI, hon, it's me. What are you doing right now?"
'I'm heading to the grocery to the deli. I'm supposed to be at Bethia's for lunch. Just some girl talk, I haven't gotten a chance to really sit down and have a good chicktalk with her. What do you need? I notice you were out of razor blades..."
"Uh, honey, now don't get upset, sweetie. Seems I'm in jail."
John heard the sounds of brakes screeching and swearing. "You're upset, Rose. I told you not to get upset. You're hyperventilating. Relax. RELAX!"
Rose gasped, "What are you arrested for?"
"Drugs."
WHAT?? HOW? WHERE?"
"Seems Officer Eager Beaver here got a search warrant and trashed my car. He found something but he wouldn't let me see what it was. I have no idea what he has."
"But John he can't do that!"
"Seems he can and he did. Whatever it was they sent to the lab and are waiting for analysis. My bail is set at 22,000.00. They don't mess around here."
"TWENTY TWO THOUSAND?"

'Honey, what I want you to do is call Patrick O'Malley and tell him where I am and if he can come down here and help straighten it out. I'm kind of not wanting to open my mouth, Miranda rights and all." "John, what does a woman with fruit on her head have to do with this?" "Darling, just call Patrick, OK? There's a good girl!"

Within the hour Patrick and Rosamond were both down at the jail. Patrick had the bail money together. Rose ran up to the bars of the cell, practically in tears.
"Oh, darling, what am I going to do if they send you to the Big House? I'll have to bring Julie and Will down here to see their convict father..getting you cigarettes to bargain with .....and my God! The conjugal visits....!"
John laughed. "Sweetheart, you know that isn't going to happen."
Travis came swaggering up. "If it isn't Mrs. Montgomery. Or is it Madame now?"
Rosamond whirled on him. "YOU! You are just ticked off because I made you leave class that one time! Because you caught us at Venus Point and thought I was available."
Travis said, "Seems I got the 'available' part right! Only question was a matter of money."
Rosamond drew her hand back and Travis caught it. "Assault on an officer. Book her."
Rosamond was shocked. Patrick said, "Oh, come on, McGee. Do you want me to slap you with a harrassment suit? I suggest you drop it RIGHT NOW!"
Within the hour, John was free on bail. Travis smirked. "I guess I don't need to tell you not to leave town."
And Rose turned around to give him a zinger that cut him to the quick. "Even if I WAS 'available'...no way, no how, Travis McGee...and if I was what you think I am...well, you don't have enough money to make it worth my while!"
And with that she slammed the squad room doors.
The entire squad room, minus one, burst into laughter.
Travis did a slow burn. Just you wait your turn, Mrs. Montgomery! Just wait!


THE FAMILY MEETING.........by Coralynn

William hands a cow-bell to Bess and asks, "Could you walk around the house, the entire house, ringing that, announcing a family meeting in ten minutes?"
"Is the meeting in ten minutes or are you asking if I can get through the entire house in ten minutes?" she asks.
"The meeting," he hands her the bell and then sits at the head of the large table in the dining roon. He can hear her voice as she moves through the house: "Family meeting in ten minutes! family meeting in ten minutes!" she fades out as she goes upstairs ringing the bell.

William is pleased to see that everyone was within hearing distance of the bell, as they all congregate around the table.
He begins: "It has been brought to my attention by one of your more outspoken housemates," they all look at Eleanor, "That I have been ruling the house and all the occupants therein like a dictator."
They look from one to the other, waiting for someone to either agree with him or placate him, but, as no one is yet sure which would be the better approach, no one says a word.
"A-hem, yes, then! You may or may not have noticed that Hotstuff and Mike have moved out. They're getting their own place over at the blue house I've been informed. These young men did not tell me first, but the information came second hand, which leads me to believe that some people consider me unapproachable. This is sad, it grieves me greatly. I was told that they didn't feel they had the freedom to live autonymous lives in this house. So...... as my last dictum as Head of the Family......I command that John and Rose move into one of the rooms and not take up the extra space by occupying two. This shall be effective immediately!"

Everyone looks at John and/or Rose, and soon they're all laughing.
William finds himself laughing as well, then announces, "We shall have rotating Head of the Family from now on. You may elect whoever you choose. Whomever is HOF is responsible for keeping things running smoothly and does not have to report to me."
A cheer goes up.
"I regret that I brought my kingly skills into a modern situation that didn't require them, nay, my autocratic ways may have even alienated some. I will cease this minute."
Jack raises his hand and is recognized. "I nomiate Eleanor for the month of September."
William looks around the table, "Any other nominations? No? Alright, then, all in favor.."
All the hands go up.
"Very good! Then I turn the reigns of this runaway horse-carriage to our esteemed new HOF, Eleanor!"
John stands and lifts a coffe cup, "Three cheers for our fearless leader!"
"Hear, Hear!" "Bravo!" "Aye!" and "Hip, hip, hooray!" are heard.


AN AMERICAN IN PARIS (you knew we'd have to use this title eventually, didn't you?)....by Coralynn

"Celeste, can you do me a huge favor?" Eleanor asks.
"I can try," Celeste answers as she loads the dishwasher. "I have an idea about what you want, though....."
"You really are pyschic, aren't you? What do you think it is?"
"You're concerned about Rose's visions of seeing Billy Bob Montgomery in Paris when she and John were there for that convention. You want to know if he's really alive. Is that close?"
"Bingo!" Eleanor smiles, "Rose thought she could be losing her mind, seeing him almost everywhere they went. I don't believe there's a thing wrong with her mind!"
"You two have come a long way in a bit over two years, haven't you? I remember when you were at each other's throats on a daily basis. Now that you're close friends, it does my heart good."
As they walk back to where Celeste keeps her crystal ball, Eleanor puts her arm around the other woman, "I know how much you encouraged us to take down the wall of bitterness that we were both guilty of putting up. It's a relief to me that it's been demolished. We can thank old Henry2nd for that! When she realized that Henry did not have her best interests at heart, she woke up fast!"
"Yes, yes, she did, she most certainly did," Celeste agrees as she begins to warm up the crystal ball. "Now, Eleanor, you want to see Montgomery, wherever he is, living or dead, am I right?"
"Yep, as usual!"
The ball begins to clear and there he is sitting at a sidewalk cafe, sipping his coffee.
"He is in Paris!!" Eleanor is becoming excited.
"Surely looks like it, dear, now what do you plan to do with this information?"
"Check it out!! Go to Paris! Confront the bastard!" Eleanor has a determined look on her face.
Celeste covers the crystal ball and looks up at Eleanor, "You are not to tell another living soul about this, though. Events have to unfold in a natural fashion. Something in the future is going to put Montgomery in his place, but the time is not yet here."
"I can't tell Rose?"
"You must not. Not yet. I know it makes little sense to you now, but believe me, the time is not yet ripe."
"Rats!" Eleanor sits down on the other chair, "Then........all I can do right now is go to Paris and tell him he's been found out?"
"Something like that. But no more than that. I also sense that there's another person from this century in Paris giving him grief. I see the letter "W"......

Eleanor lets out a loud sigh......."I'm going this minute!"
She touches her coin and think about BB is Paris and vanishes from Celeste's view.

"Kind of hot in Paris in August," Eleanor thinks, "Too bad I couldn't have waited till Octobert or something, but then that's the month of John and Rose's wedding. Too much going on then. Gotta scare this Montgomery creep NOW!"

Meanwhile, BB is sitting at the sidewalk cafe having a light repast with his coffee, enjoying the view. He glances around furtively every few minutes, however, as he's on guard against WandaSue or Belle showing up suddenly. When, instead of those two, he sees Eleanor approach, he drops his coffee cup, shattering it. How did she get here??
Eleanor takes a seat at his table and glares at him, "So, you've been found out! What did you do, stage your own murder to get the insurance? What's the deal here, Billy Bob?"
He is for once speechless. To make things worse, at exactly that minute, WandaSue also takes a seat at the table. She looks at Eleanor in shock, "How did you get here?"
Eleanor doesn't reply to the question, but instead snatches the newspaper out of WandaSue's hands. Ahhhhh, the National Enquirer, the same edition we got back home. WandaSue snatches it back in anger and lays it out in front of BB.
"See this? See what a trollop that Rosebud whore you value so highly really is?"
Billy Bob scans the article with shock written all over his face.
"So William is really a pimp? Oh my God!! And I was taken in by her?"
"You are such a moron!" Eleanor angrily retorts, "Of couse not! Grow up! This tabloid is famous for printing lies from dubious sources! None of it is true!"
"Is so!" WandaSue insists.
"Is not!"
"Is so!"
"John is a drug dealer," Billy Bob continues, "I should have known!"
"Is not!"
"Is so!"
Eleanor stands up in her most imperious way and looks down her nose at the two of them. "I'm leaving you now! Neither of you are worth five minutes of my time! But be warned........justice will prevail! Be afraid, be very afraid!" and with that she disappears.

"Oh great," BB moans, "Now she'll tell Rose! I wanted to tell her myself, but do I get to? NOooooooooooo! The Parker Gang will also find out and hunt me down even here in Paris. What have I done to deserve this?" he has almost forgotten WSue's presence in his verbal stream-of-consciousness.
"What have you done? You have unleashed bad karma, very bad karma, by leaving me one measily dollar in your will, sweeeeetheart! Now I want that million I asked you for, and I want it pronto!"
"Go away, Wanda Sue, just go away. You are not getting another red cent, do you comprehend that? The answer is 'no'.......and 'no' is what it will remain. Now go back to Westchester County and take that nymphomanic friend of yours with you!"
She stands and hisses at him, "You have just made a bad decision, buster, a very bad decision! You'll live to regret it! I'm not done with you yet!! Maybe the National Enquirer would appreciate a story on a man who stages his own murder to collect the insurance money, then lives the high life in Paris..........ya think so?"
Billy Bob gets up, leaving the Enquirer laying on the table and goes back to his hotel. As he is about to enter his room, he senses a presence.
"Darling!" Belle throws her arms around him from behind, "You've come back to me!"


AND THE LAB RESULTS ARE.............by Terri

Travis McGee sat by the phone on his desk and kept staring at it, willing it to ring. The lab will have the results back by 4:00 PM, they told me. Can't wait to see him in court! Was that satisfying, throwing his butt into jail or what? And I finally got her attention! If he's locked away, and now that she's a rich widow, with an heiress for a daughter and a TV actress to boot....Carson is always on the prowl for a pretty face and a great bod, I just have to beat him to her....what am I saying? This is an ex-hooker, the kind you don't take home to Mama! How can someone so sweet and innocent looking be one of those...floozies?
Come on, phone!...RING! RING, DARN IT!
Precisely at 4:00 PM the phone rang.
It was Dr. Provine up in the crime lab. "Hello, Officer McGee? We would like a meeting with you, Sargeant Carson and Captain Donatello in fifteen minutes. This is very important. Conference room on the third floor OK with you?"
McGee said, "That is SO OK with me. I will inform them."
McGee turned around and said so everyone in the squad room could hear, "That was Dr. Provine up in the lab. He wants to meet me, you and the Captain in the conference room in fifteen minutes. Very important findings!"
Carson looked up. "Yeah, yeah, I hear you...."
Officer Malone leaned over and whispered to Carson, "I don't know, I don't think they were drugs. Why is McGee so hot to burn John Gwinnett anyhow?"
Carson looked at him disbelievingly. "Were you born on the sun or what? A tale as old as time....Gwinnett got the girl of his dreams!"
Malone started to laugh. "You're kidding! Travis has feelings....down THERE?"
They both started to laugh.
McGee stood up and announced to the squad room. "When this report comes back, I expect an apology from each and every one of you!" To Carson, he said, "...and a big fat promotion! Detective First Grade!"
To Malone Carson said, "Yeah, first grade alright! Too bad there isn't a Kindergarten cop!"

Dr. Provine and his assistant were already seated with their report in hand. Travis, Alan and Captain Carmine Donatello walked in and took their seats.
Dr. Provine cleared his throat. "What we have here are very unusual findings."
Travis looked over smugly at Alan and Carmine. He blew on his fingernails, rubbed them on his shirt, and leaned confidently back in the chair. It tipped over and he fell backwards. Carson and Donatello tried very hard to stifle their laughter. Dr. Provine looked over his glasses as Travis jumped up and set his chair aright.
"As I was saying, this was highly unusual. The tablets shaped like, er, teddy bears, was found to have the following components...."
Travis looked over at the other two self-satisfied.

"Each tablet contains the following---Vitamin A, 2000 mg, Vitamins B1, B2, B3, B6, B12--50 mg each, Vitamin C--500 mg, Vitamin D--500 mg, Vitamin E, 200 mg, Calcium, 600 mg, Magnesium, 300 mg, and various trace minerals. Basically what we have here are children's vitamins. As a back up I called my wife for verification. They are known as Teddy Ruxpin vitamins, with an approximate street value of 5.99 per 100. They come in cherry, grape and orange flavors, all approved by the FDA."
Travis sat there with his mouth open. Carson was laughing so hard he couldn't stop.
Donatello sat there and glowered at McGee.

"Now, as to the white powdered substance, that was found to be confectionary sugar, the kind that is used on Krispy Kreme donuts. Street value, one dozen for 5.99, 4.99 if you have a coupon. FDA approved sugar, most likely from the Domino's Sugar Refinery in New Orleans, LA."
Travis turned several shades of red. Donatello was visibly upset, Carson couldn't hold back his glee.
"And that, gentlemen, is my official report, signed and sealed this 15th day of August, 2003. Respectfully submitted, Phillip G. Provine, MD, Crime Lab of Westchester County. Any questions?" Carson could hold back no longer. "Yes, one question--was it a jelly donut or a Boston Creme?"
And with that, they all burst into laughter----except one very embarrassed officer, still an officer and visions of Detective First Grade flying out the window!


THE GHOST OF ELIZABETH TUPPENCE......by Terri

"Uh, huh.....no, it IS weird...wouldn't it have been better to run the test BEFORE I got arrested?...yeah, I know, he's pretty hyper, but that doesn't mean....no, I totally agree....I'll talk to my lawyer and let you know...yes, I can imagine he IS a thorn in your side...ha, ha, ha....thanks for calling, Alan! No, we'll get together and do lunch...Ok, and thanks for calling!"

John turned to the rest of the household. He didn't know whether to laugh or be furioius.
Rose said anxiously, "Did the lab results come back?"
"Yes, they did."
William said, "Well...?"
John took a deep breath. "Teddy Ruxpin vitamins and the residue from a Krispy Kreme donut."
Rosamond threw down her dishtowel and yelled, "WILLIAM! YOU GET DOWN HERE PRONTO, MISTER!"
Will came into the room. "Yes, Mommy?"
"Will, would you like to explain how your vitamins and powdered sugar got in Uncle John's car?"
Will scuffed his tennis shoe on the carpet. "Uncle Daniel took me to the toy store while you and Uncle John were gone right before Mr. Montgomery--my stepfather--died. Celeste gave me the vitamins and I took them in the car with me. I told Uncle Daniel that I didn't like them and he said, 'We don't need no stinkin' vitamins!' and he bought me a jelly donut with the white stuff on top instead. He said it was the food of the gods. I--I dropped it between the seats." Then he rushed on, "but, Mommy, I cleaned it up really good!"

John got down on Will's level. "It's OK, Will. But Uncle Daniel is the one in trouble for borrowing my car. Don't worry about it, sport!"
Will looked at Rosamond anxiously, then threw himself around her legs and started to sob. "I'm so sorry, Mommy!"
Rosamond hugged Will fiercely. "Oh, Will, darling, it's alright! I love you!"
She looked ashamedly at John from over Will's head. She took a kleenex and held it up to Will's nose. He blew. Rosamond smiled, squeezed him tightly and said, "OK, my brave Will, go back to your Sesame Street!"

As Will scampered off, Rose got really quiet. "Am I that remote and unapproachable that my own son is afraid of displeasinig me?"
Celeste shook her head. "No, dear, Will has had a rough time, too. He lost a step-father, no matter that they didn't have much of a relationship. I think he is afraid he will lose you, too. And since John is not his father, he feels he has no one."
Rosamond put her hand to her mouth. "He told you all this?"
"Enough that I could figure it out."
Rose gathered up her things. John said, "Darling, where are you going?" "I--I don't know why, but I have this overwhelming need to talk to Bethia. John, would you and Celeste watch the baby and Will for me? I--I won't be long." John looked at her worriedly but Celeste said, "Sure, dear, take your time."
After Rose walked out the door, Celeste tried to soothe John. "Don't worry about her, John--she needs a woman's view and who better than one of her best friends? It's just a woman thing. You couldn't possibly understand it."

Rosamond walked down the street to Bethia's house. She knocked on the back door.
Bethia answered, flour all over her shirt and on her face.
"Oh, for Pete's sake, Rose, you know you don't have to knock!! You're family!"
Rose came in and sat down on one of the kitchen chairs. "Bethia, am I a horrible, selfish person?"
Bethia burst out laughing. "Now why would you say that?" Bethia stopped laughing when she saw the tears in Rose's eyes. She hugged her.
"Of course not, sweetie! You are one of the most tenderhearted, most devoted friends a person can ever have!"
Rose tried not to cry. "I haven't been a good mother to Will! He has his little problems and I don't even see them! Celeste and you were a better mother to him than I ever was!"
Bethia said, "Honey, you had him under very trying circumstances. You were only 18 and trying to deal with being the mistress of a King---an older one at that! You could have just dumped him and left him at Court but you went back in time to fetch him, and at great risk to yourself."
Rose wiped the tears off her cheeks. "Yes, and I put John and all of you at risk, too. Bethia? You were friends with Elizabeth Gwinnett, weren't you?"
"That I was. What does that...?"
"I need to know all about her!"
"Whatever for?"
"I figure if I know what she was like, I may get an idea of what John would want out of a wife. And I intend to be the best wife he could ever hope for!"
Bethia frowned, "I don't know, Rosamond,...."
Rose pleaded, "Please, Bethia. He hardly ever mentions her. Why is that? Was he so terribly hurt when she left? Or were they kind of just going through the motions? I want to know what Elizabeth had or has that I lack?"
Bethia fixed them each a cup of tea. "Perhaps we should have this conversation in a bar over Scotch!" but seeing that Rosamond was earnest, she began.
"John and Daniel came to this country on the same ship as Elizabeth Tuppence and her family. It seems they struck up a friendship on the ship. Daniel didn't bother with her, she totally was not his type. She was pretty, but in kind of a colorless way. She was very quiet and self-contained. She had two older brothers and three younger siblings. So her mother was busy with the little ones. On the ship her father passed away, drank some bad water, I guess. So when they landed in Southold, John made up his mind he was going to marry Elizabeth. I think a lot had to do with an obligation he felt, and he wanted to ease her mother's burden and help her out. Elizabeth was a skilled homemaker, knew how to cook and sew and weave. She didn't gossip, but then again she didn't socialize much. She was good friends with Persevere Coggin and her husband, but the husband died and Persevere took up with Reverend Jackson. Remember him?"
Rose shuddered and nodded.
Bethia resumed, "Elizabeth was always frail, she would get these colds that would last all winter. I think she and John were expecting several times but she lost them in the first three months. I don't think she ever told John she was with child. He just figured he couldn't have children because he and Elizabeth never conceived and then found out later after the good Reverend dumped her that she married a shoemaker in Boston and had six or seven kids. Poor John! He always wanted children, too. But I think their relationship lacked a certain pizazz. Elizabeth was not his soulmate. She was nice, she was sweet, she was bland. I knew John when he first landed here, before he married Elizabeth."

Bethia turned red, remembering that John gave her the first grownup kiss she ever got. "He was wonderful, he was always laughing. I think marrying Elizabeth took alot of that away from him. John, even though he was a Puritan, still liked to have a bawdy time, though he hid it very well, even from himself. I think when he met you, Rosamond, he began to realize he wanted more out of life than just hunting and fishing and plowing. I think he was one of those people who saw themselves in a dead end job, namely, married to Elizabeth. After about a year of being married to her, he started hunting and fishing more. I think secretly he was envious of Daniel, who seemed to be a free spirit. Isn't it ironic? John was envious of Daniel and vice versa. Now, Elizabeth was a very devout Puritan and seemed to worship the very ground that Reverend Jackson walked on. I think he took advantage of that, along with half the flock!"
Rosamond sat there wordlessly.
Bethia continued. "The first time I saw you I could see there was more to you than the 'floozy' that Eleanor painted you to be. John certainly saw it, too. When he was with you that first week in New York, I saw a change in him. It was the first time he smiled in almost five years. He let his guard down and he had a good time. I think he was smitten with you from the very beginning, he just had to convince himself of it. Bottom line is this, Rosamond....John, well, both of us!...came alive when you and Eleanor and William entered our lives. I know you and John have a strong, er, physical relationship. But it is more than that. You are soulmates, meant for each other."
Bethia put her hand over Rosamond's. "And Rose, I never did get a chance to thank you."
Rose asked, "Thank me?"
Bethia said, "Yes--if you hadn't been such a little trollop then you never would have gotten pregnant and I never would have met Roger and been deliriously happy! So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for not having any morals!"
And with that, Rosamond and Bethia clinked their teacups and burst out laughing.

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