You just can't keep a good abortion down.
I will soon be moving this travesty to a different server. I tire of Angelfire and their inadequate bullshit. The reason my last update was like 6 months ago was I dealt with a lot of stupid shit, and left this to rot because their server refused to acknowledge my password. Figures......so, until I come back, I'm actually putting up pictures.
Who says you need content?
I Remember Nothing,
Mange
I haven't updated in almost a week. Damn......
I haven't done so because I've been busy. I now have a live journal. Check it out, and my friends on there. God, I sound like a happy little fag......
I have nothing to say. I'm gonna go sleepies........
Dance to the sound of tears on the cold stone floor,
Mange
I just got scolded by one of the people who actually read this travesty because it's been days since I updated. Ooops. I'd like to say it's because I've been investing in a social life, but I just watched movies and drank. Oh, wait, that IS my social life.....
The results of the voicemail thingie are in. One person responded. She apparently enjoyed the voicemail. I dunno about the answering machine, though it didn't eat its own brains, so I assume I was right, carrots and voicemail can co-exist. Science has indeed made a bold step forward today.
I have realized lately that, at work, I can distinguish certain rings on the phone. I have isolated the sound of stupid people calling. We call them, "the Stupid ring." It's the sound of the phone when you just know from the ring it's going to be someone with a fucking retarded question. Listen next time. See if you can hear it. I think I currently have a 90% accuracy rating.
"Pharmacy. How may I help you?"
"Is my prescription ready?"
Twenty seconds of silence
"What's your NAME?"
Insert name."Is it ready? My doctor should have called."
"I'm not finding you in the computer. Date of birth?"
"Mine, or my doctor's?"
"Yours, ma'am."
Insert D.O.B.
"Nothing here in the computer. Wait, you're in the "Not In Computer" file. He did call it in, we just couldn't find you. Have you used our pharmacy before?"
"No, I'm new here. Is it ready?"
"Well, ma'am, I need some information first."
I take all her information.
"So, is it ready?"
"No, ma'am, it'll be ready in about an hour to an hour and a half."
"WHAT? Why an hour?"
"Well, ma'am, we don't have your information. We can't fill it without that."
"Why not?"
"Let's say you have a penicillin allergy. If he calls in certain drugs, and we don't know that, we could give you something that you could have an allergic reaction to."
"So, why can't you just have it ready?"
"I just explained that, ma'am. We can't enter prescriptions without your information. The computer doesn't let us."
"Well, that's poor customer service. I'm just taking my business elsewhere."
**CLICK**
An hour later, she'll be in, demanding that it be ready. God, I hate people.
This update is dedicated to Kevin, and the number 13.
Mother, say you'll pray for me,
Mange
Sometimes I can stare out the window and imagine everything awash in flames. The whole view I hold cleaned by fire. No more problems, no more morons. Nothing.
Sometimes, when you lie, I'll walk away instead of becoming a dick about it. Even if you just didn't tell me the whole story, it's still a lie by omission. Later, it's fine to say to me "You must not have been too upset about it, because you didn't say anything." Never tell me you know when you've upset me. The moment passes, and all emotion tied to it fades slowly. Judging from a distance of time is lying to yourself that you can see anything. Sometimes you just don't know what to say. That's fine. Honesty will always be better than proper phrasing, but it's easier to tell yourself that you're saying nothing because you can't find the right words.
It's always easier to lie to yourself. I do it all the time.
There is great beauty in the solitude,
Mange
I've gotten one e-mail about this site. One. How fucking pathetic. I am a horrible failure, noone cares about me, and the World Wide Web has failed to provide me with the love of strangers and linking of kindred tortured, spooky darkling souls I had been promised by TV, magazines, and rumors. I am leaving in sorrow now.
Yeah, what the fuck ever. Go to the Misanthropic Bitch
because she rocks ass. And she understands hating idiocy as an artform.
I, meanwhile, have found a kindred spirit in Jebus. Jebus is my salvation. I will pledge my life to Jebus.
Anyways, GG Allin has been helping me get through the day, so I suppose I'll be a real interesting character to deal with by nighttime. I am currently listening to the 1996 Nightbreed Records sampler. The pains I go through as a DJ. Although, there's a really good band called Nekromantik (named, I assume, after one of my favorite movies), originally called Dead Boy Craved.
That's what I miss: deathrock. REAL deathrock, not this "we're gonna pretend to be Elvis ressurected" that everyone's doing now. I like doo-wop, horrorbilly, what have you, but I miss bands like Play Dead, like Rudimentary Peni, or really old Children on Stun.
Feh. I need booze.
The dream is clear, we need No More Cops,
Mange
Somebody please just reach inside my skull and shut off the backgroud noise.
I'm tired. I should sleep. Why aren't I? Because frankly, I have this problem with getting to sleep before 2 AM. My left hand is swollen around knuckles of the fourth and fifth fingers, where I connected with at least 5 people, backfisting in a pit to "So What" this past Thursday. I feel like some sort of weird experiment, on the outside looking in, watching myself become more antisocial, my fuse get shorter. I have taken on a roomate, since my friend Kat has been kicked out of her friend's father's house where she was staying. It feels like I'm giving up my beloved solitude, but at the same time, it's really going to help cut back on bills. If my cat doesn't eat her first.
Nasty Disaster will rock you.
I think I've found some people Like me. I seem to be listening to so much fucking Joy Division that Bic is probably going to commision a line of razors after me. I don't even get it; I don't consider them to be that depressing.
Escape With Romeo are well worth mention. They sound to me alot like the Cure. Plus, their site is fun to put into the Babelfish translator and see how it comes out. Makes no fucking sense......
This girl is hot. Raar.
Double Raar. Triple, even.......
Buckethead is assembling an army of giant chicken robots. Pledge your allegiance to him now, or be lowest on the pecking order after the new regime is installed......
Damn. That pun was such shit.
And now, for some of the lovely noise I hear all day in my head:
Do it. Walk out your door. Light a match, burn everything you accumulated in your past. Dead weight will only drag you under. Watch everything burn, and laugh all the while. Your photos. Your furniture. Your clothes, your ties to everyone.
Do it. Stop letting your mouth smile when you hate everyone you see. Open your lips and say what you're feeling in you. Watch their faces fall away when you you won't meet their white lies with the same. When you hold the shit right under their nose.
Do it. Stop listening to society. Walk out the door, see how bright the sun burns, see how closed the world is, and how much there is to feel and breathe and do with your life. No time spent with niceties. No time for ensuring everyone is watching you. No time for looking your best. I want to leave this world a map of scars, a diagram of where I've been and what I've seen. I want to walk out into the street and burn. Sit in front of people on their way to work, and quietly, slowly crackle and char. I want to see how a 15 year old girl will decide if her ass looks fat in those GAP jeans when she can remember the grin on my face. See the twenty-something with his nice hair and polished image try to make up his mind about which sports car on the lot will get him the most chicks, all the while trying to ignore the fact that he can still smell the burning skin, the melting fat cells. What will happen when they can no longer repress all the actual thinking that their minds are striving for? I want to destroy society.
If it doesn't use the lotion, it gets the hose again,
Mange
I am watching one of the worst films I have ever seen. It's called "Gore Whore." The damned thing is shot on chs camcorder. There's a56,15 syringe full of glowing green goo, ala "Re-Animator," which the undead hooker injects into her vagina through a big, black dildo. The actors all seem to be reading off of wet cuecards held too far away. I love it. Also watched Day of the Dead, and Return of the Living Dead 3 today. Hmmm........I sense a theme.
Yup, you guessed it.......I'm a zombie fanatic. Some people love Vampires, or dragons (I won't name names....). I like reanimated corpses. I like watching people in silly blue face paint eat fake brains. And rented, ripped up, dirty formal wear, like a prom happened in a big blender with eighty gallons of mud. I really have no idea where I'm going with this....
Sinnocence is trying to eat my brains!!!! Hee-hee. I went on her page, and I was link of the day along with two others, so I must be doing something right. (Paying her $2000 didn't hurt........).
I am conducting an experiment. I wish to know what the results of carrots on voicemail are. I seek knowledge. I seek enlightenment. I seek produce willing to aid me. Stop here in a few days, and see if carrots and voicemail can, indeed, co-exist.
So, I have both splash page graphics done. The first one should be up soon. Now, one of the two will be going up. I would have them up, but I seem to have corrupted my hard drive enough that I can't find anything to convert from .bmp to .jpg. How sad. I need a re-format, badly. I also have a link button:
I'm staring at a clock, trying to tell myself I should go to sleep. I've gotta work in like 7 hours.
Today I saw a girl who I used to be really good friends with, who dated another girl I knew. She disappeared at one point from our little circle of friends, due to the disgust at all the drama in the scene. We reminisced about all the drunken hedonism and idiocy that happened at one appartment I lived in with people, right after getting kicked outta my parents place. It was kinda weird, crashing at this place every Friday night, then one day, I'm homeless and I never go back to my parents place. Oh, fucking well......So, she and I talked for hours, with a friend from that era and the girl's fiancee at a diner table. He shot her so many fucking looks as we talked about sick shit we had done, why she learned from hanging out with us not to say "Bite me," or stick her middle finger up......childish shit from drunk idiots who didn't want to grow up. I think I need a roomate again.
I also need a drink. And I've just been reminded my friends' kid is now 7 months old. Damn....
I had originally wanted to create a link button for this site, but last night, I opened Fireworks, and it froze my computer. I was too tired to care, so I tried again today, and the same thing happened. Half my Christian Death CDs do the same thing. So, no link button until I get something better than a Pentium MMX chip......god, that's sad.
You'll also notice that graphic I was so proud of isn't up. Well, I can't decide whether I really need a splash page or not........jury's still out. Tell me what you think.
This site has provided me with hours of entertainment. First saw it on New Years, when I was three sheets to the wind, and had just filmed my friend Angelo's leg coated in vomit (Yeah, I know, I'm weird that way....). I think my co-workers are getting worried, because I keep impersonating the dog, saying "Balls!!" in that voice all the time. Ah, well........Of course, when I'm at work, all I can think of lately is being at home, programming this site or coding....I'm such a geek.
Hmmmm.......everyone else asks for pictures of boobs....maybe I'll ask for pics of people vomiting? I always get a laugh outta those......
OK, plug time......Visit This Lady 'cuz she's just so purty. Visit the kittys 'cuz they're just so sarcastic and funny. Visit the blackrage crew 'cuz it's all about Dirty Illegal Monkey Sex. Visit the nerd crew 'cuz geeks are hot. Puuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrr......
Visit Nowhere Girl because I fucking well said so, and you like porn. Admit it. And fimally, Visit your parents. Because they miss you.
Alrighty, sleep time for the mangey kitty....I needs all the beauty rest I can get. Go find an animal abuser, and stitch their urethra closed.
My nipple rings are sore.
'Cause Richard Hung Himself,
Mange
I'm writing this under the influence of considerable alcohol.
I have all these thoughts running around in my head and I can't open my mouth becasue they can't find the right path out. Have you ever felt that if you don't fucking scream and punch through a window, you're going to either explode or burn a fuse out in your skull, and just fall over useless and lifeless? Or am I the only one who thinks these things and feels like a total fuckup? My parents used to get pissed, because they used the arguement "We gave you life, the least you could do is respect us." I'd tell them that I didn't have a choice in the matter, and if I did, I would've just reached outta the womb and handed them a coathanger. Fuck them. I walked into a gas station today, and the marker-squeegee-board-thingie had the question, "Who stared as Dracula in the Hammer Films?" Correct answer won me a free coffee. Best prize I could think of. The guy who runs the place told me in a heavy Indian accent that he had very few people guess right. Apparently, the question's such a stumper, it's been up for days.
I saw my friends' kid today. She's about 6 months old, and starting to grow teeth, so she's screaming up a rare fit.......I don't know how many times I've said this to friends, but I always see children as people before they become fucked up and jaded by the world. I'd love to be able to hand them a better world or life than I've been given, but right now, I can barely keep myself in an appartment. I'm tired of watching children grow up abused. I'm tired of the welfare dads on my block, who sit on Sunday at the little wood barrier of the raised lawns the appartment complex put in. They sit there, shirtless, drinking a beer, with their kids playing around them, and don't even try to hide the fact that they're rolling a blunt. I'm tired of good people struggling for enough to scrape by, while the fucking scum who stabs everyone in the back waltzes away with the crown. I'm fucking really, REALLY tired of cops. Things like this make me want to burn society to cinders, and have the decent people in the world start something new over the ashes. I realize that my beloved view of real anarchy, that is the ability of people to govern themselves without needing outside forces to keep them from fucking up, is a fucking dream. I don't want to dream. I don't want hope. Hope is a lie. No matter what, it's always a let-down, because you never get everything you were hoping for. It's like praying on a smaller scale. If Jesus were a bullet, I'd accept him into my heart and my head. And this is why I've been watched all my life, for thinking differently. For beleiveing that the status quo is fucked. For refusing to be satisfied with what we have, instead searching for a way to constantly improve, questioning those who sit complacent and watch life go why, not bothering to think how to possibly improve on the situation. I hate people who pull that national pride shit, "If you don't like the way things are, why not leave?" If you're so fucking proud of your country, why not constantly strive to improve it? I feel no pride in America; I feel disgust at the attrocities the government commits every day. I feel shame in the fact that I live in the same city as Yale University,
who conducted AIDS research in the 60s (the fucking 60S!!!!), and won't admit that they know anything, and still commits animal testing today.
Saturday night, one of my friends, who's very trusting, approached the guitarist for a band she sang in briefly. He berated her, telling her that her voice was no good, and she should stop singing. She was in tears by the time another friend got her out of the club for fresh air.......I wish I had been there, just to turn the asshole into a skidmark. This is a woman who recites poetry better in her speaking voice than I could sing at my best, and the only reason he had for making her feel like this was she wouldn't cheat on her husband and fuck him. I think next time I see this poncey-headed Renaissance fruitbasket, I'm either having him banned from the club, or just mauling him in front of people. I am so fucking disgusted with people.........
So, anyways, Anal Cunt are playing near here Saturday. I need a nice, violent show to clear my head. Nearly took a friend's eye out trying to backfist someone at a local show for shoving me into some girl who's back was to the speaker rack.....Sorry, Jim.....
Sinnocence linked me. Go to her site. She is one of the few good people left. BTW, I care, Sinn.
I need sleep. Booze has made me go from "in the mood" to homicidal fast.....Sleep well, don't swallow the red pills........
Pity is just Suffering turned contagious,
Mange
OK, now that I've slept, I feel a bit more rational...Why is it, though, that whenever I sit down at this fucking box, I forget everything I was gonna type? Ah, fuck it........
There's a fine layer of green mold on my sink and everything in it. I saw it and was fucking disgusted. I think it likes me, I could swear I saw an eye in there wink at me. Time to clean.
I have suddenly realized just how many blank burn CDs I have. This is really bad, especially since I DJ with most of them......and I now have a music section up. Go to it to find links to bands I've been listening to lately, as well as some old favorites.
Hmmmm........maybe I'll put up a search angine. And create a webring. And a banner exchange.
And then, I'll shoot myself in the knee with a .30-06 right over my new tattoo.
See, my real problem here is that everything has been done before. I don't have money for a cam, I can't even afford webhosting I'm so fucking broke. Christ, I'm on Angelfire. See my server, pity me......
Sooooo, I'm just gonna sit here and put down every thought and interesting bit of whatever I can find. At some point, I'm gonna organise it all, but right now, this is VERY bare bones. Yes, I realize I need to design this better. I can do so, I've just had almost no time. Hence the last update before yesterday being on like Wednesday.
I cannot stress this enough: I WILL NOT HAVE A
COUNTER OR GUESTBOOK ON THIS SITE!!!! I am tired of seeing them. Consider this my flashback to high school rebellion. Heh......"No way, man, that's conformity. I'm outta ...heeeeere." (god, I hope sombody gets that one......). So, if you want to give me feedback, e-mail me.
Go to Sin's Camportals!!!!!!There are lots of pretty people here. Like Purity. Like FemCenobite. Like, well, this lady. And, I suspect, Spiggy's packing, as well....
Currently reading:
I'm tired. I did a personal page, christ only knows why.....went to a wedding in RI today, looked like something outta fucking Shadow Over Innsmouth. It is now 15 minutes to 6 AM, and I gotta sleep. The Two Man Advantage show kicked my ass.....so leave me alone and go to the hot tamale punk hoochie mama's webpage, cuz she kicks ass.....
BTW, if you've been wondering where the standard guestbook and/or counter is, go fuck yourself. I'm tired of seeing them, and I really don't care how fucking many hits I get. Enjoy what's here, I got a lot of space to fill on this server......
Penguins Slide On Their Bellies........
Mange
Someone almost hit a kid outside my appartment not 5 minutes ago. People in this area decide to whip around the corner at insane speeds. I ran out to make sure noone was hurt, and thankfully the kids were all ok. At my last appartment, we had 4 accidents in the space of three weeks, with a total death count of 12. People would speed around the corner of the road where there was a barely noticable dip, lose control of their cars, and end up hitting oncoming traffic at 70 m.p.h. or so. They all happened around 1-2 AM, and of course I got woken up each time. On the last one, I heard the impact, rolled over, called 911, gave them the information (I guess I sounded so non-chalant that the operator at first thought I was prank calling), and went to sleep. As best I can remember:
"911."
I Give my address.
"Yes, there's been a crash outside my house."
"Please explain."
"There's been an accident. Someone's car crashed."
"What's your address?"
"How many are injured?"
"I don't know. I can't see"
"I'm sorry, sir, how do you know there's been an accident?"
"Well, I was just woken up by the sound of the impact outside my house."
"And you say you can't see the accident?"
"That's right. I'm in bed, and I don't have my contacts in."
About 20 seconds of silence.
I give my name
"What's your name?"
I give all the information again (Don't they have caller ID anyways?).
"And you say you can't see how many people are hurt?"
"No, I can't. I'm sorry."
"What was your name, address, and phone number again?"
"We're sending a squad car and ambulance now."
"Thank you."
**CLICK**
As a nice side note, they found a cheery three-car wreck when the cops arrived. Yeah, I'm an effective liar, to the point where I plant evidence like that....fuckheads....
Still no new appartment, no hope, no food......Oh, well, what did I expect. I had a great number of thoughts I had wanted to write about on this page today, but I fogrot them all in my anger at my boss. She actually had the balls to say today that anything wrong with our orders is directly my fault, after another pharmacy manager told her the chain's ordering program was all fucked up. Some people.....
I've realized the purpose of this page. I'm going to leave all these idiotic, half-assed ramblings up, showing the fact that I am progressing in my worldview from straight cynicism to either hard-headed drive to get what I want in life, or a chaotic load of shit that will constantly happen to me as I slowly degrade in body and mind as old age encroaches.
Fuck.....it's gonna be a long page.......
The splash page graphic is done, and I'm almost satisfied with it......it'll go up in the next few days.....
Today's searches:
First, off to my favorite place: the Library!!! Books are wonderful friends.
Pleasant something......
Stories have been posted. Go read. Be disgusted. Tell me how vile I am.
Today was spent in a mixture of apathy and disgust. I now have three days until I am supposed to move out of my appartment, with nowhere to go. I called a number from the paper, and some female voice told me to call her husband back after 6PM. I got the answering machine. Fuck these people.
You know that feeling when you get sick, and diahrrea and constant wiping chaps your asshole? My throat feels about like that right now. And no, it's not because I've been vomiting feces. I could get good money from filming that, at least....at one point during my shift today, i looked up to see a young blonde college student staring at me over the counter. After about four seconds, I could only say, "What?" she told me she knew me from somewhere. Fucking joy. After she hands in her application for employment, I noticed she lived in the same town I went to high school in, and asked if she went to the local high school. She told me, "No, that's not where you know me from. But keep trying, you'll figure it out." I had to walk away, before I got myself fired for saying, "Yes, I'm sure I'll lose all kinds of sleep wondering who you are, and why the fuck I should care. Everyone, excuse me if I seem a little peaked tomorrow morning." Christ, why do these people think I care......
On the plus side, I got the biography of Ian Curtis today. Goddamn, he was an ugly one. I find great pleasure in the thought that I'm not the only ugly fuckup in the world. It feels nice to belong.
Today's searches:
I'd say "something I can eat without feeling sick," but I'm starting to beleive that doesn't exist. And now, I face another month of no hot showers. Tell me again why it's wrong for me to not smile?
With something fast approaching total disgust....
Mange
I didn't want to do this.
I wasn't going to come back to this. I consider it an abortive attempt. Being social is not for me. But for some reason, part of me wants to offset all the idiots I see out there with shitty webpages. And I'm tired of staring at the walls, pissed off as hell and doing nothing.
I am incredibly disgusted with people right now. Everyone I know is acting like a 13 year old, and the people who complain the most about how they hate drama are the worst perpetuators of it. If you don't like me saying that, go to the Disney website, where life is peachy all the time and noone says anything hurtful.
If not, come back in a bit. I'm doing an overhaul of this site. I was disgusted with it for a while, and finally decided to come back and fuck with it. It should be done in a week or two, depending on whether I move this month or next. I will be including my writings first probably, since there seems to be quite a bit of my usual splatterpunk/erotica stuff, as well as some poetry, and pictures of my various attacks on my own skin in ink and steel form, and, .....oh, I don't know, pictures of me or something.....
Taa.
