Scene II - Lewis Zurr, This is Your Life.
1: Damn, that’s bright!
3: No, actually it’s quite dark. You just have to invert your senses.
1: Who are you?
3: I’m a ghost.
1: Oh. That explains why I can’t see you.
3: No. You can’t see me because it’s dark.
1: It still seems pretty damn bright to me.
3: Okay, just try to move your eyes through the bottom of your feet, turn
yourself inside out and then put them back in your head.
1: I can’t do that!
3: That’s just because you think you can’t. Try.
1: All right... ow! Hey, it is dark!
3: Why did you cry out?
1: Because I thought it would hurt.
3: But it didn’t.
1: I know, but I thought it would.
3: That’s the way a lot of things work here.
1: This is all most terribly difficult to get used to.
3: Be quiet. The feature’s about to start.
1: Hey, cool. No previews. Why can’t all movies be like this? Ew, what’s
that?
3: That’s you, about to win the great race of life against billions of
others.
1: What?
3: A sperm.
1: Gross. I don’t have to watch myself being born do I?
3: You can look away. I’ll tell you when it’s over.
1: Right. Wait a minute. Are you wearing a bed sheet with the eyes cut out?
3: Well, I am a ghost, aren’t I?
1: But I thought...
3: Don’t.
1: All right.
3: You can look now, you’ve been born for a bit.
1: So why are we watching this?
3: So you can observe your life as an outsider, and go into Judgment well
informed.
1: Judgment, huh? I don’t like the sound of that.
3: Good.
1: Oh my. There I am spitting up on a priest.
3: Don’t worry. I don’t think that one was out of malice.
1: What makes you so sure?
3: You were merely an infant. You didn’t know any better.
1: Babies can still be evil. I’m just sure there’s a movie about that or
something.
3: What the hell is wrong with you?!
1: Huh?
3: I mean, shouldn’t you be on your own side? We are talking about your
eternal reward here!
1: Well, a dash of humility, a pinch of showy honesty, it all ought to score
me points with the Big P.
3: The Big P?
1: Saint Peter.
3: Don’t call him that! You’re losing points already. And honesty doesn’t
count if it’s not honest. If you ask me, you’re being foolish.
1: Foolish? Who’s wearing the bed sheet here?
3: I... you... you know, this is one of those times that I wish I could come
with a better comeback than “I am”.
1: I’ve had a few of those. Hey, look! There I am at eight, not pushing
Jimmy Swiney into the mud.
3: A lot of people don’t push a lot of people into the mud.
1: Yeah, but I really wanted to.
3: There you are at 15, pouring milk into the school radiator.
1: That was for the sake of science!
3: You just wanted to see how much trouble you’d get into.
1: Curiosity, investigation, discovery... science!
3: And there you are filling the principal’s car with live eels.
1: You must admit that it was pretty funny.
3: It was hilarious, but that still doesn’t excuse it.
1: Uh... can I claim science on that one, too?
3: Well, that depends upon... hey!
1: What?
3: There you are at your high school grad dance, pushing Jimmy Swiney into
the mud!
1: A lot of things you can only keep inside you for so long.
3: Like the time you stole your boss’s shoes to get back at him for firing
you ten years earlier?
1: Uh, kinda like that.
3: Or the time that you broke into your old college roomate’s house to steal
a guitar pick?
1: Well, it was rightfully mine.
3: That doesn’t count for much 14 years later, and besides... hey!
1: What now?
3: There you are last year at your 20th high school reunion, pushing Jimmy
Swiney into the mud again!
1: I’m sorry, okay?
3: Well, that counts for something. You might want to close your eyes for
this part.
1: Why? Oh my God.
3: Something vaguely creepy about watching your own neck being broken in 14
places by an inertia-impaired Volvo, isn’t there?
1: What ever happened to the guy who hit me?
3: Oh, don’t worry about him. And that’s it for the movie. I hope you’re
ready for judgment. You don’t mind a little wait, do you?
