Better Late Than Never
By Evan McBride.
Scene I - Taxi
1: Taxi! Taxi! Finally!
2: Get in, friend.
1: Uh, can you take me to the nearest hospital?
2: I don’t think a hospital can help you.
1: Yeah, that’s what it seems like to me, too. I mean, I don’t hurt at all.
But some loser did hit me with his car, so I’d better go in anyway. Just to
be on the safe side.
2: I don’t think a hospital can help you.
1: Yeah. Can you believe what the health care system has come to these days?
Nonetheless, I did get hit by a car. Funny it doesn’t hurt, though.
2: Is there anybody you’d like to see one last time before you go?
1: What? No, I’m a tourist here, and I’m not going home until Thursday.
Nobody I know here. My name’s Lewis Zurr, by the way. My friends call me
Lew.
2: I hate to contradict, but I think you’re going home right now.
1: I don’t think it’s that serious. It’s really strange though. It did hurt
just for a second, and I thought I was seriously injured, but then I stopped
feeling the pain and just got up and walked away. I really feel fine.
2: You’ll not have to worry about pain any longer.
1: Well, then you haven’t met my girlfriend. You know what? You’re right. I
don’t need to go to the hospital. Can you suggest a good restaurant? I’m
really quite hungry. Or at least I was right before that asshole hit me and
drove off. Why aren’t I hungry?
2: You’ll find that eating is no longer a necessity, but a diversion.
1: What the hell are you talking about? Say, you should get more sun. You
look a little pale.
2: Makes sense. It’s the oxygenated blood flow that gives the living their
healthy colour.
1: You know, this whole thing is freaking me out. I’d like to get out now,
okay? Here’s a ten.
2: I don’t think you’d like to get out right here.
1: I’m pretty sure I would. Say, it’s gotten kinda misty all the sudden.
What street are we on?
2: Street?
1: Yes, I can’t see any buildings or street signs or anything.
2: That is correct.
1: What?
2: We have left the streets behind.
1: Then where the devil are we?
2: Almost home.
1: What?
2: Almost home.
1: Well, can you drop me off at the Best Western Motel on the way home?
2: It’s not really on the way.
1: Well, can’t you drop me off there anyway? I am paying you.
2: Not really.
1: Say, what’s so bright up ahead?
2: The light.
1: The light?
2: Yes, as in “come into the light, my son.”
1: This is definitely creepy. I’m getting out right now and.... Aaaaaaaah!
2: What is it now?
1: I can see right through my hand!
2: Yes.
1: This is one of the oddest days of my life! I mean, first a raven drops
dead from the sky and strikes me in the head, drawing blood...
2: You’re dead.
1: ... and then I get this weird fortune cookie that says “you will dio”.
What the hell does dio mean? And then...
2: Typo. You’re dead.
1: ... I get hit by a car and it doesn’t even hurt! And when I try to get a
cab, people act as if I’m not even there, they all just stare at this guy
lying on the road, I have no clue who that loser was, and when I...
2: You’re dead.
1: ... finally do get a cab, the driver looks like Count Dracula and keeps
talking about all of this bizarre stuff...
2: You’re dead.
1: Will you please shut up, I am trying to think. Wait, what did you just
say?
2: Me?
1: Yes, you! Did you just say that I’m dead?
2: Bingo.
1: You mean I just bought this lottery ticket for nothing?!
2: You know, I keep a journal of all of the fascinating things people say
when they finally come to the realization that they’ve died, something to
pass eternity and all that, but I’ve got to hand it to you. That’s by far
the stupidest one I’ve ever heard.
1: We’re about to drive right into that light, aren’t we?
2: Yes.
1: What will happen when we do?
2: Then I’ll be rid of you.
1: You really could be a tad more respectful toward the deceased, you know.
2: You ever watch old home videos of yourself?
1: What?
2: It’ll kind of feel like that.
1: But I never took any home videos.
2: You know, if you weren’t already dead... ah, good. We’re going in... now!
