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Better Late Than Never
By Evan McBride.



Scene I - Taxi

1: Taxi! Taxi! Finally!
2: Get in, friend.
1: Uh, can you take me to the nearest hospital?
2: I donít think a hospital can help you.
1: Yeah, thatís what it seems like to me, too. I mean, I donít hurt at all. But some loser did hit me with his car, so Iíd better go in anyway. Just to be on the safe side.
2: I donít think a hospital can help you.
1: Yeah. Can you believe what the health care system has come to these days? Nonetheless, I did get hit by a car. Funny it doesnít hurt, though.
2: Is there anybody youíd like to see one last time before you go?
1: What? No, Iím a tourist here, and Iím not going home until Thursday. Nobody I know here. My nameís Lewis Zurr, by the way. My friends call me Lew.
2: I hate to contradict, but I think youíre going home right now.
1: I donít think itís that serious. Itís really strange though. It did hurt just for a second, and I thought I was seriously injured, but then I stopped feeling the pain and just got up and walked away. I really feel fine.
2: Youíll not have to worry about pain any longer.
1: Well, then you havenít met my girlfriend. You know what? Youíre right. I donít need to go to the hospital. Can you suggest a good restaurant? Iím really quite hungry. Or at least I was right before that asshole hit me and drove off. Why arenít I hungry?
2: Youíll find that eating is no longer a necessity, but a diversion.
1: What the hell are you talking about? Say, you should get more sun. You look a little pale.
2: Makes sense. Itís the oxygenated blood flow that gives the living their healthy colour.
1: You know, this whole thing is freaking me out. Iíd like to get out now, okay? Hereís a ten.
2: I donít think youíd like to get out right here.
1: Iím pretty sure I would. Say, itís gotten kinda misty all the sudden. What street are we on?
2: Street?
1: Yes, I canít see any buildings or street signs or anything.
2: That is correct.
1: What?
2: We have left the streets behind.
1: Then where the devil are we?
2: Almost home.
1: What?
2: Almost home.
1: Well, can you drop me off at the Best Western Motel on the way home?
2: Itís not really on the way.
1: Well, canít you drop me off there anyway? I am paying you.
2: Not really.
1: Say, whatís so bright up ahead?
2: The light.
1: The light?
2: Yes, as in ďcome into the light, my son.Ē
1: This is definitely creepy. Iím getting out right now and.... Aaaaaaaah!
2: What is it now?
1: I can see right through my hand!
2: Yes.
1: This is one of the oddest days of my life! I mean, first a raven drops dead from the sky and strikes me in the head, drawing blood...
2: Youíre dead.
1: ... and then I get this weird fortune cookie that says ďyou will dioĒ. What the hell does dio mean? And then...
2: Typo. Youíre dead.
1: ... I get hit by a car and it doesnít even hurt! And when I try to get a cab, people act as if Iím not even there, they all just stare at this guy lying on the road, I have no clue who that loser was, and when I...
2: Youíre dead.
1: ... finally do get a cab, the driver looks like Count Dracula and keeps talking about all of this bizarre stuff...
2: Youíre dead.
1: Will you please shut up, I am trying to think. Wait, what did you just say?
2: Me?
1: Yes, you! Did you just say that Iím dead?
2: Bingo.
1: You mean I just bought this lottery ticket for nothing?!
2: You know, I keep a journal of all of the fascinating things people say when they finally come to the realization that theyíve died, something to pass eternity and all that, but Iíve got to hand it to you. Thatís by far the stupidest one Iíve ever heard.
1: Weíre about to drive right into that light, arenít we?
2: Yes.
1: What will happen when we do?
2: Then Iíll be rid of you.
1: You really could be a tad more respectful toward the deceased, you know.
2: You ever watch old home videos of yourself?
1: What?
2: Itíll kind of feel like that.
1: But I never took any home videos.
2: You know, if you werenít already dead... ah, good. Weíre going in... now!